Loving being Me!

When you stay from home you value it more than anything..Nostalgia has gripped me in a vice like grip and somehow i just cant shake this homesickness off me.. I've been missing home and loved ones like crazy...maybe its a phase.. i just cant wait for this course to come to an end... just 61 days to go and the wait seems unbearable!

Rudyard Kipling in his famous poem IF says-

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Finally im back from the taluk's got my work done in just 3 days... and just ran for my life... its so nice and peaceful at the hostel...no noise..and peace and quiet ..had an amazing sleep last night.. lazzed around all day today! :) was in absolute bliss....dont know how long this will last... Twitter/FB are taking revenge (as Anwesa says) i cant seem to update anything... :( at the moment im loving being on my own..spending time with myself.. its really refreshing specially because from next week the pressure will only increase...starting with mid semester review then working on Master's project..placement week...and then there is Samik's visit..which im absolutely looking forward too..what a deserving break it will! god cant wait...

thats all on my end...

cya for now :)

Peace!

This N That

I'm back to Bangalore. Came back yesterday. no matter how much i reasoned with myself i could hardly control the tears that rolled down as the flight took the runway. i made an utter fool of myself as the Steward [ a real hunk!] stopped during the security demonstration to peer closely at me and i squeezed my eyes shut firmly as if to block him out. maybe that's why he was more courteous to me while serving my coffee! :P

it was so tough getting back to hostel. i just wanted to cry like a 10 year old, that i wanted to go back home. with a heavy heart and throbbing head i set forward unpacking. god! hated it all! but the best part of it was my friend dropped in and told me those magical words and i couldn't help but smile "125 more days to go home.. Cheer up!" mom and dad had packed me sandwiches and pastries for the journey which i had in my break today.. and felt heavenly.. everything i do.. the craving for home in my heart never ceases...

on college front, tons has been happening.. i missed out 2 tests yesterday..and 3 more to take tomorrow...yes that means i should be studying now and I'm blogging..trust me there is no guilt but sinful pleasure. jokes apart, this time i have promised i ll take interest and enjoy what I'm doing, i didn't do that before..work wasn't as good as it should be.. and yes no more negative attitude this time for sure! :) will make the most of these 125 days.. make that 124 tomorrow morning! :) :D

O yea i miss Samik.. i know i should not given the current circumstance...the feeling never leaves me.. i wish he had tried... he proved me how it was so worth it..things would have been so different.. so fulfilling..if only.. sigh! :|

Home sick... yea to say the least but have much to do... test tomorrow...just dropped in to say hi! :)
tadaaaaa

did i tell you Journo Schools drive you to your grave?.. okay gotta really go.. :)

This year that was

No come back speeches no promises to keep blogging. i write because i want to. another year has drawn to an end. a year that will be a landmark in my life. a year in which i 'Grew Up' all of 22 yea i grew up.

i was among those who stay at home and are dying to go out into the world, live on my own away from family, fiercely ambitious and independent who want to live life on my own terms. but what i had not bargained for is knowing life for what it really is, and not how i viewed it. i remember making resolutions that this year will be that year when i move out of home, and at the end of it i have moved out. and these Christmas holidays when i am home, I'm living the live i had left behind on rent; and even though it is borrowed i think this is the most beautiful and heavenly places on earth for me. yea staying away from home makes even the earlier hellish like home seem like heaven.

leaving behind everything i grew up with was probably the hardest thing i have done till date. i still cant believe that i have managed to stay without all the things i loved. living in a new city, sharing a room with 4 others is not easy to say the least. there were some minor problems and then there were major problems but then i took it on. there were times things went way bad than i could have ever imagined. i felt everything crumbling, i knew i would never be able to stand up and face it again but then i did it. i learned to face things i wasn't proud of or things that made me feel terrible about myself.i felt like an idiot at times, i lost my confidence my zest for life and somewhere the reason for why i am where i am. I'm still clawing in the dark to find that one light that would guide me through. a lot of discoveries i have made about people but first and foremost about me. being at home you don't realize what you like and what you don't, or the kind of person you will be. i saw a glimpse of the kind of person i will be: prim and proper. one who keeps her shoes together, her cupboard in place, her laundry done and no pending work, in a word control freak. and i love that about myself, because at home I'm quite the opposite but living in a hostel taught me what a cleanliness freak i can be, yeah sometimes it does range in the limits of insanity but then i mean no harm to anyone.

i have done a lot of grown up stuff in my stint in Bangalore. i have travelled from an unknown naxal infested taluk of Karnataka to Bangalore, i took my first ever flight ride [make that 4 ever since...]i have learnt to go shopping alone.. o most guys its not a big deal but shopping is not something you can do alone..seriously.. you always need a companion..talking about being all grown up i had to counsel myself say about a million times that at 22 I'm hardly a young girl and that i should overcome my fears .. well the counselling continues.. and well i hope sometime it yields proper results...

on other fronts... i had my convocation a few days back on 24Th of December 2009 at 3.15 precisely i was handed over graduation degree..dressed in saree and robes[that's thee tradition of JU] looking like pupils of Hogwarts except a tad bit hideous... i officially became a graduate.. :)

personal front.. well i could never imagine a life apart from Samik.. even though I'm living such a life now.. at least from my end i do not see any change in the dynamics of our relationship.. distance does not really bother me.. in fact in someways distance puts me in a space when i value the time i spend with him.. over the phone or those rare occasions when he flies down to Bangalore to visit me... there is not much to tell.. more updates on personal front is required before i can make further statements :)

that's all from my end as of now...

so does this post mean I'm back to blogging?? well no promises..because i don't seem to keep them.. but a realization on blogging front.. from the moment i had let life take over and not me controlling it..i realized i had ceased to be content and i went slightly insane...as i always said blogging keeps me alive and sane..so i will probably cut down on those extra hours of sleep because i have nothing much to do and devote a little time to doing something that never fails to bring a smile to my face: blogging...

Updates

I have been a moron and i apologize.

i have been here in Bangalore for two months now. and the passion that i had always harboured for blogging has somehow been buried under stress and fatigue of life. i realized soon enough that i started belonging to the group of people i always critiqued saying blogging is like breathing how can you not do it. i have felt guilty for not being there for people who were a major part of my social life once, i have never managed to make time for all those who have understood me wordlessly, and there was this one person i have neglected just because i had found myself in unknown territory ; my bloggie. i sincerely apologize for not reading, commenting or even bothering to write. i wont make tall promises here but i will try my best to post 1 post a week even if it is just to say hi and hello... because blogging still means much to me.....



For all those who didn't already know... i turned 22 on the 6Th of September this year and it was one of the best birthdays of my life [ i know i say it every year but every year is better than the last year now what can i do? :P] what was best was, this is my first birthday away from home and family so it was bound to be lonely and upsetting, my blogger friends, Anwesa, Nikhil, Vinu, and Harshita made it so much special by wishing my on their blogs or calling me up and also Samik, who came down to Bangalore for a week just to be with me on my birthday. it was one helluva reason to pass all those gloomy days when i was terribly homesick and i just couldn't cope up with the pressures of college. each day id wake up to check the date and strike off just one more day. it was one helluva week, it all went so quickly that i felt i was in a daze.

here i was apprehensive of traveling to unknown locations in and around Bangalore; but for Samik i traveled from one end of the city traveling some 90 miles to just meet him. that week i hardly slept, with assignments due and deadlines and what with finishing work in record time one has ever even imagined i was finding ways to escape from college just to meet him.from frequent hot spots in Bangalore, from mall hopping to dining in restaurants, from shopping to gifting things to each other. it was one week to remember. i don't remember smiling or feeling this happy in a while. it goes without saying that i was extremely grateful that Samik could actually make it and took the effort to accommodate my inabilities to be there for him due to intense work pressures... needless to say there has been pictures galore... and they are all up on orkut and facebook and on picassa too. if you are interested to view the pics click here

The day he left, i remember standing on the road in majestic seeing his Volvo moving away from me with each second and there i was crying unabashedly. i cant believe how time flies. i cant believe how much i have grown in the past few months. I'm doing all the things i thought id never be able to do. i guess with time we all learn and we all outgrow the preconceived notions we have had in life.life teaches one to survive tough times.

The Final Bus Ride

I stood at the bus stop waiting for ST6 like i have been doing for the past three years..it was the same bus stop that i stood waiting for, in loathsome anticipation of a crowded and a harrowing journey to Kalikapur. in all these years nothing had changed... not the horrible journey where i never ever got a place to sit..being squeezed in the unholiest way in order to get off the bus to my destination...it was the same black gate that i pushed to walk through the campus to reach the lift.. the same confusion regarding the floor i need to get off..the same silly tic tack toe method to guess the number and pushing the button to signal the lift to proceed.. except this was for the last time...

Nostalgic yea and greatly saddened too.. i walked with a heavy heart to my students place to whom i was teaching for one last time... it felt pretty ironic to me. 3 years back when i first rang the bell i felt i would not even last a month, having to travel so far. but in the next 3 years everything changed... my student was all of 10 then became a friend and more so a kid sister for whom i took over from a teacher and became a virtual nanny..from shopping expeditions to visit the book fair... the bond became more than just professional. and 3 years hence it felt eerie to walk away from everything that once was an integral part of my life. initially though it had been an opportunity to keep myself engaged and to earn the an extra buck.but it soon became much more than that. the love and respect i received is far more precious to me than the amount of money i earned. and i am thankful and grateful for that.

It really was an end of an era for me. leaving Barshali's tuition has been really tough because there has been several times in the past where i had contemplated leaving her due to so many issues, be it time crunch or the dreadful journey to and fro but i never made it, but now when i was happily settled it was time to say goodbye.

like Linkin Park says [thanks Leo for sharing this]

Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple Sometimes good bye's the only way ....

Now i have to go back to those early days of college where i would depend on pocket money from dad for maintenance... and i would always have to bid goodbye to the last 2 years where i had independently brought myself up...i took care of my smallest needs from cellphone recharge, to college fees, from shopping to binging.. from buying gifts to stationary i have done it all.. and i was really proud of it... but here comes a time when i will have to be dependant on another person for survival.. and its a thing which has mixed reactions from me.... :P

Graduate... Almost!

Its OVER!! Finally my college life comes to an End!

What struck me while writing the last few lines of my paper was.. soon my exams will come to an end... what hadn't yet registered on my mind was that with the end of my exams.. my college life too came to an end.. not that i am very sentimental about leaving college and friends but still there was a sense of deja vu... and the worst part is i realized it once it was all over...

You it always happens.. in this rat race of life.. where almost every moment symbolizes a struggle to survive, where the fittest survives...we always focus on the goal, like.. the college we want to get in..or the job we want etc but we are surprised when one day reach the goal... maybe that is what has happened to me.. i have been focusing on getting out of college that i forget the moment has come and gone by.. but in a way its good because if i had put too much thought into it maybe i would have been distracted during my exams.. in times of extreme tension when i feel like giving up this particular poem called If  by Rudyard Kipling... gives me immense courage and strength to go on... the lines that i so love are ..

"If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!"

One of the highlights of today was.. that my last day at JU as a student and as well as my last day of college life was spent sitting side by side the one person i began my college life with in the same room it had all begun.. Shubhankar is such a moron i tell you.. he is this weird sort of a guy..despite being my good friend he never feels an urge to sit by me.. if i drag him [which i do most of the time] he does but if he is left to his own devices then he sits where ever or whoever catches his fancy..damn him! and you can imagine my surprise when he came over to me and filled in the vacant seat right next to me.. and gave me a look? as if to say.. "what??! i felt like sitting here don't make it a big deal now!" damn the moron!! and double damn him.. he is partially challenged in  hearing and dint get what i was asking him in the examination hall and when he got what i asked him.. he didn't have a clue... and the super moron gets all senti only after hours of coming back home... and when i was around or rather when i was willing to be around he was busy trying to get me home and get back to doing some work!! pond scum... but having said and done.. Shubhankar has been an absolute gift to me.. someone i always relied on and never got disappointed..whether it is ripping off his notes for me.. or literally dictating me my assignment.. or patiently repeating and re-repeating his explanations .. or being extremely patient with me when i give him the look "i don't know what the hell you are saying..???"..and now that college has come to an end.. I'm really going to miss him telling me everyday "you really are looking hot.." or "three years has gone by and we still havent done it.. lets do it" and id surprise him each time by saying "yea lets... but lets find a vacant room for doing or do you wanna do it here"... i don't know where we will be placed in life.. im sure he will have a bright future... he is bound too..morons have all the luck :)  but no matter what he will surely be the godfather to my kids!! 

The thoughts that are coursing through my mind at the moment is that of relief and a sense of timelessness reigns.. i cant belive that not only my exams, my college life has come to an end.. i feel all grown up as if i have scale mount Everest! God! when I was a little girl, i couldn't imagine studying beyond Class 12 but then when i was in Class 12 i couldn't think beyond graduation here i am at the threshold of Graduation and i desire to further my education.. with my student clearing her  class 10.. i feel its like yesterday i was where she is now but that was something that happened almost 5 years to this day! :O i wonder where did these days go?! Yes yes i am all overwhelmed with this sudden transition but then i love this feeling when despite knowing the truth the truth yet hasn't sunk in!! anyway this is it.. this post is a fitting end to my college life!

  ~The End~

P.S- To see the pictures of the last few days of my college life..check orkut...search me out with Phoenix. ... i will update my photoblog soon and the pictures will be up there too :)

P.P.S- Dont worry about my absense on all your blogs and the missing blog link.. its all taken care of. earlier i couldnt visit blogs as i had not put it up after i changed the template.. i will be back to reading your blogs in no time!! 

Beginning to an End

i was so looking forward to the college to end.but what i had not anticipated even in my wildest dreams that college coming to an end, would mean not seeing you in college everyday.

those conversations through scribbling on chits,
those moments of absolute bliss,
the study sessions,
the urgent phone calls,
and midnight texts
the jittery nerves.
the silent gazes and hasty hugs.
the scribbles and doodles,
the fake tattoos and autographs
the canteen talk or bitching sessions.
the reminiscence of happier times,
the tears of anguish and distress
the smiles and promises of a better tomorrow.
will be missed.

love is hardly the word, that can express just what i feel for you, thank you for being my friend.

its my last day at college tomorrow, Wednesday is our farewell. the day i have been waiting for is here. from here, it will be an onward journey and i will make good things happen.

My College Days 2

I was a prefect in my school for four consecutive years. i was the vice house captain in class 9 and then the house captain in class 10 [yellow house or Vivekananda house] all through voting. in class 11 and 12 i became the prefect, to put it modestly i was popular amongst my peers as well as juniors. event organizing or house meetings, thinking strategies or practicing for house matches i was there everywhere. maybe that's why college seemed to me as a huge leap, a step into the big bad world.

when i first started looking forward to college i always knew i would get into St Xavier's. after all it was our brother school, i had the qualification and the state level rower tag and several other activities under my belt; why on earth would i be rejected? i was confident and hopeful. but my hopes was dashed into a million pieces when i saw i wasn't featured anywhere on the list and the Principal of the college flung my extra curricular activities [some 40 odd certificates in different field] claiming them to be utter rubbish and asked me to furnish certificates of things i did in the last two years of my life. that was the most discouraging moment of my life, i have never felt disillusioned, broken and completely defeated before like this before. my confidence was shattered. it took a while for me to recover and it wasn't until i got through to JU.

My father is an ex student of JU, and i have grown up with the stories of JU but strangely i never developed a keen interest to join my dad's college to maintain the legacy. in fact JU was one of my last options despite it being the best in Kolkata. the day i went to pick up the forms for JU, i fell in love with the lush gardens, friendly seniors, open spaces and the huge campus. it was then i realized my calling. Yes, mass communication may have been a dream but studying literature has been a passion i had nurtured ever since i could remember. i finally found hope in the darkest hour of my life, and from the shattered dream was born a new me.

the reason why JU is simply the best is because you have the freedom to be just you. whether straight, gay or bisexual people confidently flaunt their sexuality, keeping aside gender bias girls and guys are treated equally not just by the management but also by students, gender bias has not really come to my notice, girls and guys smoke alike without the glares of moral police. to be honest i got lost in the vast campus and the vibrant people. from the popular girl in school i became the shy, and unknown girl, it was scary so i choose to look for dark corners to hide now and then. it took awhile to open up but somehow i could never establish the familiarity with the campus that i could once associate with my school. and to add to my woes, i joined Ju with the committed tag.. and that cost me some very potential boy friends who now remain but as friends!!can you beat that? lol! :P

my favorite hangouts in campus were varied, specially in different phases in college. in the first semester when Shubhankar and i were inseparable, we and some other friends including Rohit would hang out in what is known as the jheel par [a small lake] then Shubhankar and i fell apart, i had a new set of friends and we used to hang out in the BBC[ the basket ball court] after classes and just lie there for hours altogether. during daytime we would hang out in a place called gol [a round bench around a tree] the ledge has of course been a favorite throughout for all batches, Shubhankar and i would often sit on the ledge studying and exchanging notes, it was also a witness to the numerous fights we used to have :). later when i became much more studious and serious my hideout used to be the DL[departmental library] in the comforts of the AC and away from prying eyes there i would spend my afternoons.we have around 6-7 canteens in our college, and i have frequented almost all of them except the E-faculty ones [engineering people frequent there] because they are rowdy and rather intimidating and they ogle you like anything.. after all to them people from the arts faculty are big shot hots and prized possessions, specially since they seem to have droughts of female population :P lol! Milon da's canteen remains the most popular of all canteens however no one can equal the coffee found in the AC canteen!!phew!! after Shubhankar and i patched up, the back lanes of JU became our utopia, away from prying eyes and gossip mongers there we rebuilt our friendship.

sigh! i don't know about the people but i will surely miss the campus and the ambiance of JU. there is an old Bengal feel to it. i got in touch with my roots, this is the first time i started talking fluently in my mother tongue, my convent upbringing really handicapped in speaking Bengali. Ju for the first time gave me Bengali friends and through them i savoured Bangaliana. Ju is the one place where you are you, and you are not really judged by the background you come from, or the clothes you wear or the people you move around with. the motto of campus life in JU is live and let live and if you have attitude flaunt it. its been an enriching experience here, a place which will always be remembered as a benchmark in my life, where i actually outgrew the protected life i lived during my school life and entered the adult world with its responsibilities and its spiteful and vicious claws. as i step over the threshold i carry but the good memories as unhappy ones and the distasteful ones are left behind buried in what will soon be my past.

i cant believe i have grown up enough to finish college. i still consider myself a school kid.
you know what? when i was in class 3 once while doing maths i thought id just study till class 12 because i was finding doing maths tough. in class 12 i knew id just finish graduation and further studies wouldn't even be an option, and here i am almost a graduate and i crave to study more.. :) weird na??

2 more working days to go! woohooo!!! :)

My College Days

SHUBHANKAR and me :)

Yesterday was my last class test in JU. yes formally the countdown to the end has begun. i wish i could feel nostalgic and a little weepy but i am not :D!!. the happy go lucky blokes in our class are a lot more emotional but they are staying back for PG anyway. yes i am taking a massive risk in life, i will not take readmission in my college for PG which is a sure shot opportunity. that means if i don't get admission in any of the 5 colleges I'm applying outside Kolkata, either i have to work or waste a year and then maybe re-apply for PG in my department. and trust me instead of feeling the burden.. okay i do feel it but a teeny tiny bit ...but im sure that i will never repent the decision i'm taking now and i will stand by it no matter what and take what comes my way cheerfully. it makes me feel a lot lighter for knowing for sure i wont have to come back to this shit hole again. and the relief is beyond what i can hardly explain.

that's my friend IPSY and me :)

i know most of you are aghast and surprised at me taking about college in such drastic terms, but i have no ill feelings towards college, i have a grudge against the people i have encountered and the unjustly i have been treated here. more on that but later, this post is not for unhappy thoughts! :)

that's ROHIT and me :)

you know why i feel so happy and relaxed about leaving college without the tell-a-tale signs of tears and nostalgia? maybe its got to do with the fact that my good friends, handful in number are the ones who have stuck by me in this rocky journey of life and the relationship i have established with them transcend the college boundaries. i don't need college boundaries to unite me with my friends and this makes each and everyone whom i consider friends stand out among the others.

TISTA and me :)

if i really miss something about college life will be these friends, who in my hour of need have stood by me and became my pillar of strength. Ipsy has been a moral support guiding me through some of the darkest hours of my life, when i all but gave in to despair, she made me a more confident person and gave me the strength that i could conquer anything if i set my mind to it. Shubhankar has been there through thick and thin, he is the one person i actually depend upon, be it while submitting assignments or filling up admission forms, or calming my nerves before exams, he truly has been the ultimate friend, my mirror image; someone i connect to even without talking. Rohit is one friend who has been there for me, right from the first day of college till the end, we have gossip sessions as well as those dreamy conversations about life and people, we hardly meet but when we do we have the greatest conversations ever, no ego pride or negativity has marred our friendship and he is the one friend i have managed to keep secure from oblivion's curse, he is a treasure to me. Tista is a lot crazy, hyper, Queen bee of college, she is everything i am not; feminine, fashionable and forthcoming. yet we clicked we have been friend from the last 6-10 months yet we have connected well. its with her i share my girlie side, she is my ultimate guru when it comes to beauty and fashion tips. and with our boy friends in tow we have some awesome double dates.

i don't know what my future is, where ever i am. no matter what happens. these are really the cherished few whom I'm going to remember with love and make an attempt to always keep in touch. it is the ultimate bliss when the person for whom you care reciprocates your feelings and appreciates you for who you are... college is coming to and end but not the friendship that transcends the plane on which it first blossomed!

god! please make sure this is actually an end and i don't have to go back to JU again!! please be by my side and make this ending a permanent one so that i can move on ahead making the most of life and the opportunities that beacon me.

yay!! just 3 more days to go!

i intend to write a post on each of the last four remaining days of my college, to remember and share the time i spent here, so that someday when i come back and read this, i may be able to cherish these last moments with love and fondness.

Rainy .....

Despite the sweat trickling down my face and my neck, despite the sun burning my skin, despite being tanned shades darker, do you know why Kolkata is the best in summers?? and why i simply and totally love the summers in spite of the soaring mercury?

Well no prizes for guessing its because of the rains... in Kolkata we haveNorwester called Kalboishakhi.. storm clouds darken the skies in the late evenings.. there is a storm, with cool cool breeze that almost wipes off the fatigue of the day, its such that it makes sweeps you off your feet and makes you forget the heat and humidity that made the day such an impossible one.. soon after dusk it rains hard for a spell and two and then its over, making the whole atmosphere much cooler, and with the breeze ensuring it remains so.. the nights sleep are assured to be good. but these rains are not the marathon ones which goes on for days, just those which pops up for sometime and then goes away. at times there are hail storms too and those are one helluva an experience.you just have to be here to experience it, its simply too good an experience to explain.

Last year a few friends from my locality called me up on a tremendously rainy day asking me if i was free, knowing that i was free i was ordered to change into shorts and tee. doing as i was asked, i stood waiting for my friends, i saw them wading through knee deep water waving frantically at me.. soon i joined them and together the three of us went almost swimming through the dirty water, with shoes floating .. young boys trying to catch fish[yeah there were fishes because we have a lake nearby which flooded its banks a little] and there we were out to survey our locality, of course we were eye candy, people stared at us thinking us to be mad. we sailed paper boats and went in search of a nearby chai shop which obviously wasn't opened because we three were the only mad ones out...nonetheless it was amazing... it was rather cold and wading through the cold water made our feet numb, but then chatting away to glory with friends reliving the times spent as kids is the ultimate bliss... it felt like old times when as kids we would purposely get out of home just to sail paper boats and splash about. rains always remind me of pleasant things... it has a magical effect on me.. and i so love the rains!!

Yeah this is yet another rain induced post but i just cant help it.. its just that it rained three days in a row, which made me really happy from inside, something which i was in look out for since a long time, at a time when I'm really caught up with tons of work and tensions and fear. it has been raining bad things at my end but these rare moments of happiness and smiles are like a much needed respite.

On graver issues.. one of the two friends with whom i have grown up and about whom i spoke about a little earlier, just informed me that her mother is suffering from crevical cancer. its a blow not only to my friend but to me too. her mother is like a mother to me too, all three of us have spent our prime together and its really a tremendous shock! here's wishing Kakima recovers from this grave ailment... and may god give us strength to bear this cross bravely...


On a lighter note.. its Uncle's birthday... [Richa's Dad] here's wishing you uncle A Very Happy Birthday!! :)

Moreover, the last two months i had just lost touch with 'me' and my blogging suffered. i wanted to write but couldn't hence the sloppy posts and frequent tags. i don't know why but i feel good despite everything falling apart around me. the comment segment of my blog and the new friends make me feel happier and encourage me to write. yes i feel sane and happy that i seem to have found my flair back.. phew!! :D *grins*

Tests , tests and more tests are coming my way... so yes that's screwing me big time but then to think just 16 days to go before my college days ends.. keeps me happy and gay :) yippee!!

Btw i started this post just for Anwesa to perk up her mood and it was her demand to read a rain post but i ended it up as yet another of my rants.. so sorry Anne.. don't mind.. I'm just not in my elements as of now... but will be back with a better post next time.. promise... :)

Tuned...

Do you have any one song, hearing which you have an out of the body experience? the song that makes you transcend time, place and people? a song that transports you to a new realm altogether, where you loose all bodily sense? can the song make you wish, that if you were to dedicate a song to the loved one this would be it? and nothing can ever sum up your feelings better than this one?? well, there is this one song which answers all the above questions with affirmative, for me. ever since i have heard Tum se hi... from the movie Jab We Met.. the songs brings back all kinds of memories.. all of them good, i didn't know a song can come to mean so much to me but this one does, and it brings two distinct memories one directly, it is a song I'd dedicate to the one i love and the other reason being, this song is the one that reminds me of a dear friend. for this and more, this song just makes me happy every time i hear it, its as if I'm transfixed and breathless with the emotions it represents...

This song reminds me of my friend, Firefly and the beaches of Vizaq and the memories flood in. We used to be the bestest friends from the first day of college, but then due to our silly and immature ways we had fallen apart. but because of our departmental trip to Vizaq, we came together as organizers. from talking in monosyllables,we started conversing properly. even amidst friends, we were the only two who was quite during a lively conversation gazing at each other; maybe we were recalling those early days of college, where we were inseparable. we got talking over this song first, and then during the entire trip we would both share the ipod listening to this song. my fondest of memory with this song and Firefly is the one at the beach when all our differences faded into oblivion as our lost friendship resurfaced...


One evening we had gone out to the beach, our friends all sat in a group chatting as the song was played in the loudspeaker in some one's phone. i got up to walk along the beach alone, with the waves breaking at my feet. looking back i saw a happy set of friends and a silent pair of eyes following my every move, almost hidden in the dark. at that time i thought, how bad a fate our friendship would have, if we were to walk out of college without clearing out our differences, if only we could still have another chance at friendship.. a lone tear coursed down...

i felt someone standing right beside me and i turned to look, it was him, seeing me wipe off the tear he had come to talk to me. this was the first proper conversation we had in almost a year. soon we got talking and in moments our disagreement was sorted and long forgotten. when i dared to remove my eyes from the beach and look at him, i saw that tears were streaming down his face too. i knew then, that he had missed me too all those months when we barely recognized each others existence, that he valued me as much as i valued him.


Thus the song reminds me of this day when i found my friend back. that day i had been the happiest ever, i felt as if a huge burden had shifted off my heart, i felt free and fearless, i knew i had my friend back and i knew that nothing could stop me then.. sigh! it was one of the best feelings ever...

If this wasn't reason enough. Every time i hear this song the one person i can think of is Samik. maybe because this song is still his ring tone, that he had set because i loved it. If i really want to mean the lyrics for someone, it would be Samik, who is now indispensable to me and my life. this song reminds me of the beach, the waves, friends, Firefly and of course Samik...

So tell me... what is the one song that sets your pulse racing? or do you think being so attached to a song is sheer madness??

Raindrops and Roses..

It rained last night, almost. the short spell of shower induced the wet-earth spell that i so love and i was lost. this has to be the first of the rain influenced posts that are due this rainy season, friends who read me for a long time now will definitely agree :) i have this strange thing with rain. it makes me happy and sad at the same time. in kolkata, yes that's where i stay, rain is associated with water logging and a bad case at that, not as bad as Mumbai though but pretty bad, i mean we are still known for it. anyway who cares at least we get a few unapproved leaves right?


Waking up to rainy days ranks among the first of the things i absolutely love. the cold cold feeling, snuggling deeper into the sheets, the pitter patter raindrops on the glass pane, is simply heavenly. days like this, i simply wear an old sweatshirt and worn out jeans and socks, pull my legs beneath me and simply blog or read a good book while dad brings in some great coffee!! sigh!! I'm already back in time it seems, even though rain has long since stopped...


Rainy days like these are a big with Samik and me. i remember once it had rained cats and dogs, and it was the last day of Samik's before he joined office. and we just had to spend that day together, yet the transport situation was real bad. but somehow Samik waded through knee deep water till my place, where i was waiting with rolled up jeans, flip flips, umbrella in hand trying to almost wade through all that water just to meet him. that day we walked almost two kilometers to Barista for coffee and it was heavenly. With freshly brewed coffee sat there, with muffins and pastries as we chatted to our hearts content, watching the city in inaction. it was in a way surreal..


Some day those were..once.. this was really early into our courtship maybe just months into our relationship.. in those days, back when i was in school... Samik would persuade me for a week and half and then id relent to meet him. so our meetings would be few and far in between. once dad went to Hyderabad for the Asian Games and i pataoed mom to the hilt and asked her for those 5 days as a gift, and those 5 days were ours and just for ours to live. we met in rain and in sun and literally so. it was hot and sultry the first 2 days and then it poured and how. dad once called me and i was nowhere near home he tells me "i just saw the tv. they are saying Kolkata is under water due to heavy rains. where are you?" and I'm like "baba im with friends in our locality it is hardly that bad!" when i was actually miles away from home and still in a much water logged area!! but it was all good fun!! :) really its getting me nostalgic here... so what happened?? well those initial months became years... and now 5 years into the relationship.. Samik is working and i'm on my way out of college.. finally life caught up on us..now its more like.."yes it happened.. once upon a time...."sigh! :)

College is nearly over!

College these days seem so different. it amazes me to even think that this is the same place i used to hang out for hours altogether, the same people i used to have so much fun. other than khyati everyone has changed, she continues to remain her same old bubbly self always ready for some action, others are like least bothered about anything around them.

Yesterday Shreya came into class and announced that she got through MAT and will move to Bangalore in July. Rohit got through SOAS. most sat for SNAP, one got in others didn't. everyone is busy keeping updated about admission news, which form is out which is not. there is a certain lull in all the actvity. it really seems all of us are finally gearing up to take life ahead from where college will end. so it that good or bad? good in a sense because im sure happy for everyone who has life almost etched out in front of them and not so bad in the other, because a sense of deja vu gripps me.

I dont know how the last three years just whisked by. most of the time i was so engulfed in pain and misery that i must have missed out on a lot of fun. but no regrets.its just seeing the last few months of college thus slipping by, almost like a handful of sand. it makes me feel a wide array of things, fears and apprehensions for my future, nostalgic about what is today and what wont be..cautious and edgy about the people who feautre in my college memories, varing a few all are pretty worthless. so where does that leave me? i dont know... maybe hoping that i can make it to the places im aiming for and praying that i dont have to stay back here...after all for a girl sky is not all that limitless.

Back To School

Today I went back to where I started out. I went back to play school where my education and this struggle in life began. My prof’s [the one who is my favorite. I thought you'd like to know :D :P] daughter applied there too and i had gone along as i had been an ex student of the play school and its the best in the city. Thankfully salsa [sir's daughter] got in, without a hassle :) it was nothing short of an achievement for all of us present there.. we saw salsa being born, her first toddle and then her very first birthday and now to see her go to school. Man! These days’ kids grow up real fast!! *sniff*

Getting in through the gates, I walked in to the place that is monumental in my being "me". I went back there almost 17 years after I had left it. Memories of my first school is a lot hazier now, cobwebs are preventing it from it being more clear but the essence it there. I was almost feeling a sense of timelessness over take me. As I sat opposite to my ex princie who is Kusum Bhandari of Graphiti of Telegraph Zodiac Column’ fame; I was just overcome by this all consuming feeling that almost rendered me helpless. What or what it was its hard to explain. There were so many lil toddlers who were moving around in chains and holding hands, little knowing that the race to survive to succeed had begun. Each would go on to fight for their seat in one of the reputed schools of the city and would secure a bright future for themselves.

Really going back to school was something and has made me so nostalgic!! It’s weird how I was looking forward to this year ending as if my life depended upon it and now when its here and now; I feel this apprehension pulling me back from actually fully enjoy it. I had never anticipated a lot of changes that are about to rock my world but here they are, staring at me. In my anticipation of the goal I forgot to look out for the means to reach it and the changes id have to make to meet it. So it’s a sudden impact that hit me. There is a lot of soul searching to do now, loads to prepare myself. So if you find my next few posts all senti and nostalgic, you’ll know what to blame.. I hope I haven’t bored you to death? If I have.. then don’t even tell me about it ! :)

The Last Physics Class Of My Life!

Im teaching 6 kids from different classes the youngest one is in class 3, next one is in class 5, then class 6 and 2 kids who are in class 10. when im interacting with them im firm, and funny. so i kinda share a fun and friendly relationship with them, its through them that i re-live my childhood days. every now and then i see myself in them and nostalgia comes visiting again. Reading PJ's post on her school days reminded me of, the last physics class of my life.
We were in the last week of class 10. Every teacher was wrapping up the syllabus. There was an air of finality. School was about to close for the study leave before the boards and it was my last physics class. While most choose to scribble whatever they could, of what the teacher was saying; my friend and i were cutting veggies. we were supposed to have a pinic of sorts and my friend and i, who were'nt too interested in physics were preparing to make aloo chat. the whole class had brought boiled potatoes, some got tomatoes and cucumber and onions and other spices as we had asked them to. while my friend sniffed away to glory while dicing the onions i did a major blunder, i opened the packet of chat masala, and soon everyone was sniffing around to locate the origin of the most awesome smell. And that was it, the concentration was broken. everyone fidgeted to finish the class and pounce on the food. and my last physics class ended, just the way my career as a physicist would [if i ever took that up]; without any useful work done, not that it mattered to me at all :)

its really tough to believe that i have changed so much over the period of time. class 10 was the happiest and the wackiest period of my life, i had lived my life as if there was no tomorrow. i remember how all of us would make a stack of Mills and Boons[MB] and it would then be passed around in a chain so that every one could read one and pass it on to the other. how many MB readings sessions we had in class. those days when id take over the class and with other friends we would put up acts and entertain the class. i wasn't the class clown. instead i was the Vivekananda house[yellow house] vice captain, then captain and the prefect; but i had fun nonetheless. there was a certain zest to living. there was hardly a thing i didn't participate in. id be organizing everything but now in college everything has changed. i hardly bother to participate in anything. i dont even show up for social do's and ive becomes somewhat aloof. alas! with time i guess i lost the sense of fun and retained the serious and matured outlook to life. how i wish id stop being the responsible one and let down my hair and enjoy the way life should be lived.

Why do we still care when we know perfectly well that, for that person you dont matter at all?

why does it hurt when i knew this would happen?

WHY?!!

I TRIED DADA BUT FAILED!
I CANT FORGET YOU
EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE MANAGED JUST FINE!

My First Crush!

I was taking a stroll down the lane just in front of my house when a flood of memories came back in a flash.Those childhood memories,games on the streets,squabbles with friends and my first crush.Just thinking back brought back a smile on my lips as a lone tears rolled down.Friends have long since gone but the memories are still there,fresh in my heart as if it was just yesterday.I had became nostalgic suddenly as childhood memories brought back pangs of first crush.

I was in class six.I was the eldest of my playmates and he was the owner of a hobby center in our lane.i had gone there to check my email and surf and he was there smiling at me.i cannot pin point how and when i had a crush on him but i guess his resemblance to Hrithik Roshan [ i have the hugest crush on him,even now :P] was one of the major reasons for me to flip over.One day I saw him rescue a kid from being crushed beneath a car and that cemented my crush for him.My best friend Neha for reasons best known to her fell for his best friend.it all seemed perfect.though they were almost 8-9 years older to us it dint deter us to feel for them.It was one hell of a time when we had to conceal our secret talks about "them" from Nehas nosy younger sisters and other friends.I used to spend hours on the veranda just to catch a glimpse of him lounging on his bike or talking to his subordinates.We used to play on the streets and Neha and i would lock gazes alerting each other when our significant "him" came into focus.Our crush lasted a long time almost 3-4 years and Neha's mom even gave us a pep talk about concentrating on our studies and how they weren't suitable for us,we were heading the wrong way.We both went through the pain and heart break when they didn't turn up for days or they dint glance at us.We knew nothing would ever materialize from this but we were so young and we mistook our first crush to be our first love.It was one painful ride but nonetheless very innocent and sweet.

What happened then??Well Neha discovered that her crush eat food at a really run down oily and stinky place which according to her was beneath her status and so her crush flew out of the window.And me?Well one day i was at a friends place in the neighborhood,they were my play mates too.they casually mentioned that the hunk [my crush,apparently all the girls in the locality fancied him] was married.gawd!!my heart squeezed the life out of me and i was shocked beyond expression then in one flash i remembered that indeed i had gone to his wedding years back and my dad had mentioned a few days back that he has a new born son.My world crumbled down and my crush was crushed.I was feeling so guilty for most silly reasons,now i think back.I cursed myself for liking a married guy with a kid.i cried on the short walk home.with my vision blurred i shrank behind a car and sat down on the pavement,thankfully Neha had seen me and came to talk,seeing me she had asked me what was wrong and i was too upset to even tell.She dragged me home and on the way i collided onto him and when i looked up, i saw him smile in acknowledgment and what could have been a real treat otherwise this time i ran until i came home and on my terrace where i confessed everything to my friend.Almost for a month i pined for him,avoiding him and forcing myself not to do the things,that i used to before,just to get one glimpse of him.Then an amazing thing happened it seemed that 4 years of crushing over him made him reciprocate my feelings but by then i had grown up.It was a nightmarish few months when the person i had had a crush on became the one person i feared the most.As he pursued me,confessed his feelings,and almost stalking me.But now when i look back i smile.those bittersweet memories now replace the pain and anguish with a smile.my first crush taught me to be selfless in love and inspired me to write my first poem.some days those were! :)

Moon kissed roof-top!

starry starry night...cloud sailing by...the breeze blows my hair over my face i tuck it behind my ears and gaze,what seemed like eternity,sky wards..i lie on the roof top mesmerized by the beauty of the night bathed in the moonlight...what more i had my best pal beside me gazing too and sharing some amazing fantasies,dreams and desires...we became people belonging to an Utopian world..far away from this materialistic world full of its politics,diplomacy,conspiracies and bitching..together we weaved a cocoon of magic and fantasy around us...churning out series of theories and observation and an ethereal feeling....talks never seemed to end..stories were narrated and were re told...moments good and bad...happy and sad was shared and treasured...even the silences spoke volumes and was comfortable....dreams suddenly sprouted wings and seemed to fly away...even sky wasnt the limit...there was heady feeling of happiness despite the gloom...the smile for absolutely no reason at all...yearning for the beloved yet there was the comfort of his voice and there was the endless mesmerizing gaze...all added on to become a totally wholesome nutritious food for the soul which seemed to have gotten a lease a new life to it...this safe haven of my pal[ipsy] went on to become my favorite place on earth where even dying doesnt seem like a depressing thought...where if one goes one wants to live to experience and to feel the beauty of nature and be one with it...where magic is not just about harry potter or hogwarts..but a feeling of completeness and satisfaction without any particular reason at all...at times like this one realizes how lucky one is to live and witness such beauty in its starkness and the boon of having a close friend and your perfect soul mate in life...people whom you value the most in live and who understands even without saying,completes the unfinished sentences and accepts you for what you stand up for... likes you for everything you are and everything you are not...roof-top fun will always be special to me....for everything that it was symbolic for..

alot can happen over coffee

After a long long time yesterday all of us..yeah the whole gang went out together....it goes without saying it was whole lot fun! My god! it was seeming as if the whole of CCD had eyes only for us. Couples and elderly people all alike, we were the cynosure of every eye.....laughter rang every where....everyone was having a good time and digging in to some delicious food and drink....chocolate fantasy. tropical ice berg....sandwich...puff...chicken wrap...yummy....more than concentrating on the food. and savoring the taste...we laughed as if there was no tomorrow...this was one of the best times ever...so many of us huddled together....finally one plan to freak out worked.....


it seemed like all of a sudden the smiles were frozen in time...khyati enjoying her ice cream...shiladitya naughtily looking around...abhi casually stretched out..rohit sipping his coffee was taking all in....souro was up to tricks..and antoreep as usual on this horny act....ipsy and i kept chit chatting as ria looked on...khyati's digi cam came handy yet again...as scores of pics were taken...

all of a sudden I became nostalgic....I wanted to freeze the moment in time. The look of pure glee...the smiles...the naughtiness...the playful chiding...it really felt bad thinking that since we are officially second years now, two more years to graduate. And then we ll all go our own way..some will stay behind but others invariably move on.....we just dont have a choice.....ju has given me some great friends......and these are my possessions for a life time....times like this how i wish pictures were much more expressive...i wish they could capture the feeling. The feel of that moment...the thought process...

i wonder why people come and go from our lives....they share some exceptional moments ...in school we meet friends...some stick on for life others move on....school life changes into college. more great friends and more fun...but then this phase too doesn’t last....one just has to move on....we are compelled...however much we want to cling to it we have to let go...we shed tears feel the loss but in sometime it becomes a part of us. and then we realize that while we were not looking we have adjusted to this new phase in life...and that’s how life is...the only ever thing that is constant is change. no matter how bad or cruel it is...it just happens...i know i am feeling awful now that someday i wont be with my friends anymore like now....pictures will fade. pages will blur....e-mails will be scanty but the memories will remain...i'm sure they will....and the binds that are formed now will last...world thrives on faith...and i have faith in these wonderful times and beautiful people...maybe we all will meet someday...old and haggard...reminding each other the time of our youth...these wonderful moment s will be relived again....