Ashamed

Just the thing i had always feared. the reason i hated even drinking was because i was scared that drinking would make me drunk and on being drunk i would vent all my pent up emotions and cry. and my fears were realized... and i sobbed endlessly for hours altogether i guess and there was little i could do.

Today when i woke up and remembered what happened, i am ashamed for what i did and i promise the next time i will never drink, not surely to drown my emotions but i will try and be brave like i usually am. I'm not proud of what happened and i know i will never repeat it again.Ever! Promise!

My College Days

SHUBHANKAR and me :)

Yesterday was my last class test in JU. yes formally the countdown to the end has begun. i wish i could feel nostalgic and a little weepy but i am not :D!!. the happy go lucky blokes in our class are a lot more emotional but they are staying back for PG anyway. yes i am taking a massive risk in life, i will not take readmission in my college for PG which is a sure shot opportunity. that means if i don't get admission in any of the 5 colleges I'm applying outside Kolkata, either i have to work or waste a year and then maybe re-apply for PG in my department. and trust me instead of feeling the burden.. okay i do feel it but a teeny tiny bit ...but im sure that i will never repent the decision i'm taking now and i will stand by it no matter what and take what comes my way cheerfully. it makes me feel a lot lighter for knowing for sure i wont have to come back to this shit hole again. and the relief is beyond what i can hardly explain.

that's my friend IPSY and me :)

i know most of you are aghast and surprised at me taking about college in such drastic terms, but i have no ill feelings towards college, i have a grudge against the people i have encountered and the unjustly i have been treated here. more on that but later, this post is not for unhappy thoughts! :)

that's ROHIT and me :)

you know why i feel so happy and relaxed about leaving college without the tell-a-tale signs of tears and nostalgia? maybe its got to do with the fact that my good friends, handful in number are the ones who have stuck by me in this rocky journey of life and the relationship i have established with them transcend the college boundaries. i don't need college boundaries to unite me with my friends and this makes each and everyone whom i consider friends stand out among the others.

TISTA and me :)

if i really miss something about college life will be these friends, who in my hour of need have stood by me and became my pillar of strength. Ipsy has been a moral support guiding me through some of the darkest hours of my life, when i all but gave in to despair, she made me a more confident person and gave me the strength that i could conquer anything if i set my mind to it. Shubhankar has been there through thick and thin, he is the one person i actually depend upon, be it while submitting assignments or filling up admission forms, or calming my nerves before exams, he truly has been the ultimate friend, my mirror image; someone i connect to even without talking. Rohit is one friend who has been there for me, right from the first day of college till the end, we have gossip sessions as well as those dreamy conversations about life and people, we hardly meet but when we do we have the greatest conversations ever, no ego pride or negativity has marred our friendship and he is the one friend i have managed to keep secure from oblivion's curse, he is a treasure to me. Tista is a lot crazy, hyper, Queen bee of college, she is everything i am not; feminine, fashionable and forthcoming. yet we clicked we have been friend from the last 6-10 months yet we have connected well. its with her i share my girlie side, she is my ultimate guru when it comes to beauty and fashion tips. and with our boy friends in tow we have some awesome double dates.

i don't know what my future is, where ever i am. no matter what happens. these are really the cherished few whom I'm going to remember with love and make an attempt to always keep in touch. it is the ultimate bliss when the person for whom you care reciprocates your feelings and appreciates you for who you are... college is coming to and end but not the friendship that transcends the plane on which it first blossomed!

god! please make sure this is actually an end and i don't have to go back to JU again!! please be by my side and make this ending a permanent one so that i can move on ahead making the most of life and the opportunities that beacon me.

yay!! just 3 more days to go!

i intend to write a post on each of the last four remaining days of my college, to remember and share the time i spent here, so that someday when i come back and read this, i may be able to cherish these last moments with love and fondness.

Exhausted!

I have been waiting for this time for almost the last three years.. a time when i will look forward to the second phase in my life. it is finally here, and to be honest i have been taken aback. often we anticipate for a thing to happen, but we are unaware of how the days and months go by, and the most anticipated thing stands there right in front of you. i don't know how many application forms i have filled, or drafts I've made or for that matter i have almost lost tract on last dates of application or declaration of admission test candidates etc. suddenly it seems all the walls are closing in, with study pressure at college, graduation exams and these entrances that have been scheduled in between my semester exams.. i know i sound repetitive but all this stress is just too much to handle.

This stress is really getting to me, for I'm not keeping well either, lack of sleep, perennial headache, and low BP; and the hot and humid weather isn't helping either. and guess what? i have a lot of mental and emotional stress to deal with, hmm yes some of it is my doing of course :) i never really believed in luck but then now i seem to think otherwise. take for example A [good for nothing, least interested in studies, irregular to college, class clown etc] applies to a place 1, and gets through, how? there are 50 seats and all the 45 people applying gets through, so he is now to move out of his home town to study there once college ends... now for B [enterprising but not polished, with bad English language skills] who applies in one of the premier institutions say 2, total seats 20 our of which 6 for general; 150 people are called for interview, and guess what?B gets in, because from this year seats have been increased to 100 and he was among those 100 to get through.. Just imagine!!

No its not envy, its plain fear that i feel at the moment. fear of not making through. to fail, for not being good enough. its haunting and it is one of the reasons why I'm having sleepless nights. i hardly have time these days to either sleep or prepare for my entrances. i will feel a whole lot guilty if after applying to so many places i don't even make it to even one, after all its dad who is funding me. i know i should not let stress of negativity to get to me; but then its hard to brush aside such thoughts, when all you hear in college, is who has got through where or where one is planning to go. there is so much i want to do but there is something that keeps pulling me back, maybe its just fear or apprehension. i just don't know what i will do if this totally backfires. i don't think i can forgive myself for not getting through the places i have been dreaming of ever since i was a kid. sigh!

don't mind me.. its just stress and exhaustion.all i need is some sleep and rest but then i hardly have the time :( !! somehow i just hope this phase goes by quickly and i too get to know what I'm destined for, good or bad; i just don't want to be suspended out of nowhere, not knowing where I'm headed, i think the wait is killing me... please! please! please god make my dreams come true!!