Thoughts of longing and despair!

Thoughts are rampant. They keep me company when loneliness shrouds my very existence. I think back to the days, not long ago when I was back home. Life was so different, so serene and so uncomplicated. As years wore on, with time, life has changed and so have I. regrets? I have none. I know I have achieved all that I had set to conquer, but there are those things that I had never anticipated. Some are very good but comes with its own set of problems something I had never bargained for. Every time I walk the long road home on Friday evenings after work, I feel a gloom fill me, I have a job I like, I have everything I had dreamed of, staying away from home, doing my own thing, making a life for myself, in a city of my dreams: Bangalore. But then why do the tall buildings that I always fancied not give me any warmth, why do the whooshing cards not thrill me anymore, why does the fancy gadgets I own not keep me company? Why do I have tears pricking my eyes and eventually run down uncontrollably? Why do I just long to see the faces of loved ones? I long for just a glimpse of them, I long to just rest my head on Ma's lap and to cry uncontrollably, I long to wake up to Dad's voice telling its kachouri for breakfast and for me to run to freshen up, I long to sleep peacefully in my bed and wake up in my room, to the sun streaming through the window, like it has always been... Alas! those days are but a rarity!


 A new city, a new life but I have a heart that is never at peace. Love reigns, its His thoughts that keeps me going, I know I’m headed nowhere but somehow it keeps me alive. I wonder, most often than not, how can I accept things half way? I have never been the kinds. What drives me to relish whatever I have got and not lament not getting more? Sometimes when despair strikes I wonder at the existence I have, how long will I be able to carry on the charade? Will I be able to walk away from love knowing it’s the right thing to do? Will there be a day when I wake up and not think of him, not need him, not love him anymore? Will there be someone who is meant just for me? Questions are all that I have. They make my existence now.

Counting My Many Blessings

Christmas is a time when you count your many blessings, that brightened your year. This year has been one steap ride but there has been things to be thankful for. Here are the few people I'm extremely blessed with and thankful for.

Mom and Dad: I took a decision in life which came as a shock to near and dear ones. What mattered most is how my parents would react to it all. They have stood by me, understood me and more than which they have supported me in one of the most difficult phases in my life. I'm totally thankful for.

Saroo: He has been my first colleague, a mentor, a friend and now he is simple indispensable to me. Life brought him to me when I was beginning a very crucial phase of my life. Life was falling apart, professional life had just started and more than which for the first time I was on my own; he was just there. Love is hardly a word I feel for him, today he means the world to me. I'm grateful for whatever time I got with him and I know this is for a lifetime.

Vaidu: Well what can I say, she is always the first to know when things go wrong. She is blunt, she is caring and she is always there, relentlessly. She is a friend I love and also I am scared of. She has guided me through some of the toughest times of my life. I really value her to death! 

Ipsy & Shubhankar: They are what you call as true friends. They may not be around all the time, there are times when we dont message, we dont talk for months, we live life as if we dont exist but when I needed to make sense to the world, when I knew the world would never understand me, they never batted an eyelid when I told them the one thing that changed me life forever. Not once did they judge me, but only said "I am there for you!" Love you guys!!

Yes last 6 months has been a roller coaster.. with some bad experiences balanced out with the good ones..memories are... well all I have and if anything I think it keeps me going!! :) I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!! And Hey! Dont forget to count the people who made a difference to your life, because loved ones are worth it!! :)

Its better to be alone and lonely than be with people

and still feel the same

You will never betray yourself, You will never let yourself down

The world will not understand you

But You will always will. 

You ignite the fire in me
The desire to take on the world
To fight against all odds
To smile at adversity
That is our reality

You fill me with so much love
That I know I can survive
The world is still a better place to live
That love is not lost
I can because you want me to

You instill a sense of pride
I know I am worth it
That world will judge me
But I will still be me
Because I know I am loved by you.

You have become the reason
Why I smile
Let the tears dry
Let my heart feel alive
Life is beautiful
Because I know I'm loved by you.

Your thoughts

I feel a sense of love.

Of belonging

Take over…

I feel you near

Yours is the last thought

That adorns my lashes before

I drift off to sleep

Yours is the thought

That brightens my day

Nothing seems dull anymore

Loneliness envelopes me

Solitude my steady companion

But never for once does your thoughts

Bring with it regrets

Life will never be the same

Without you

For we were always

Destined to live life apart.

But it does not bother the heart

For it knows that you are

Safely cocooned in my thoughts

Buried in the very existence of my being

It is there, you are mine

Mine alone.

I have made peace with the god

Who cannot grant me you

I know that no matter what

You are there

Its as if I can feel you near

I close my eyes to find you here

Hugging me close

Whispering sweet nothings

Life seems a bliss

As tears bring with it

A jolt back to reality

Reality is that we were never meant to be

The love that we still share

Can never be granted

The bonds can never last

Letting go I will have to someday

Not now…

Memories are all that I have

Memories are all I can ever have

In my memories you are mine

Mine alone

And memories will last me a lifetime…

Of Memories of Bygone Times...

I sip coffee from the same mug
That would kiss your lips once
I let my mind take me away
To a lost time …
A time when every morning was
Filled with laughter and so much love
That unhappiness was forgotten
Reality lurked in the shadows
Seeking an apt moment to strike
We lived like there was no tomorrow..
Tomorrow lay shrouded in oblivion
Then it happened
Just the way we knew it would.

Then why does the heart not relent,
Hurting, pining for You
Despite knowing the consequences
Why does the pain magnify with each passing day!
Despite knowing that the end is inevitable
Why do I surrender to the torture of today?
The heart bleeds,
But it loves some more, each day!

Some star crossed lovers we were,
Instead of promising a lifetime of togetherness
We prepared each other for a lifetime of solitude
A life that could and would never have ‘us’
A life that would be barren,
Without the loving touches
Without loved one to wake up to
A life that would be devoid of
Smiles and the laughter that was ours.
Ours alone…
Devoid of your hands
Laced into mine..
Your smell clinging to my skin
Your touches branding me.

I knew it would be like
How it is now.
But the tears run down, incessantly
When the guard is down
And loneliness creeps in.
The heart longs for you
Just a glimpse of that smile
That caresses your lips
The twinkle in your eyes
As your face lightens up.
Those days are long since gone
Like you had warned me
It would
But the longing remains rampant
Memories of 'us' my only companion.

Vortex of desire

Your thoughts intoxicate me
Pushing me into a dreamless haze
The caresses leaving behind
A burning trail
Sensations coursing through
Making me aware of the
Sheer power of the need
Churning a deep seated desire
Desire to be loved, to be craved
To be taken and to be liberated
More than which to belong.
Your touches linger
taking me higher
Plunging me deeper into
the sensations that overpower me.
And I'm lost
Lost in you.
The love in your eyes
reflects in the gentlest
of touches.
The huskiness in your voice
is like the vortex of passion
Drawing me closer and closer
I surrender.
I surrender to you
I surrender to the love
That brought us closer
Uniting us one
Just you and me
Defying the rules of the world.

Tears of grief and longing

Today is just one of those days

When the pain in unbearable

The despair is gnawing at my soul

Tears are threatening to spill

It fills to the brim and overflows, unabashed

The pain makes me wonder out aloud

Why me? A voice in me answers

‘Because you are strong enough to tide through it all!’

But I don’t want to be the strong one

I don’t want to put up a façade of being brave

I wish I could just succumb to the pain that is tearing me apart

I want a pair of strong arms, His, to pull me up

Up against him, rocking me as I break down

His voice firm and full of love telling me,

That he is there, and I shall survive.

I break out of my reverie

Tears have left a soggy trail behind

I look for his arms, but he has long since gone

Just as I had known he would

Then why does the pain still rip me apart

Every time nostalgia visits me?

Life is changed manifolds

Never to be reversed again…

Thoughts make it hard to breathe
I feel myself free falling
into the vortex of despair
deeper and deeper
into nothingness
Pain tearing me apart.

Happier times are like a mirage
they disappear as i reach out
Unanswered questions gnaws at my soul
Why me? I ask myself
i hear muted sobs,mine in return
As loneliness stares backs..

How long must I carry on the charade?
how long will the ordeal continue?
how long before relief comes through?
Uncertainties are rampant
Peace still eludes me,
Long road ahead before I can repose.

Golmaal 3

I am not really a movie going kinds.. unless of course if its something sensible or romantic, then you know I ll be there.. so Golmaal 3 or Action Replay or even Dabaangg is not really my kinda movie.. but when you have a friend for company, and have time to kill and its just 9 am in the morning what do you do? We buy tickets for Golmaal 3 and walk in the Cineplex leaving our brains behind. That’s exactly what you should do before you go and watch this movie.

The movie has bright colours splashed all over, sun beach, pretty looking Kareena as arm candy amidst 5 other men, Ajay Devgan (the guy manages to appear hot even at 45 J) Arshad Warsi (lukewarm) Tushaar Kapoor (now a tad bit repetitive but brilliant performance as the dumb guy) Sheryas Talpade and Kunal Khemu ( totally wasted!). The movie is good in patches, laugh riot completely but then there were places when it felt as if you were forced to smile or literally held at gunpoint to laugh at jokes that fell flat. But having said that, some dialogues which made no sense to the scene was absolutely a treat! Mithun chakroborty in a comic avatar was really a surprise and did a commendable job even at this age. His dialogue to his girl friend’s father “jinke ghar sheeshay ke hote hain… who basement mein kapde badaltein hai!” tickled people pink. Music was pretty situational, nothing to rant about. The action sequence was well scripted and directed. In all the movie does manage well as a laughter filled time pass, a paisa wasool for sure… high on style quotient and a sure shot way to beat the blues of mundane world away!

A glimmer of hope is barely visible

the storm raging within me
threatens to engulf my sanity
I know not what lies ahead..
I know not when this journey ends
and when the new one begins...

Memories are at war
hurling unwanted thoughts at me
I know i must retrace my steps
I know my quest for moksha must continue
the hunt for peace making me restless
I know one day i will have to let go....
But vacillation comes easy to me
how long before end comes along?

Making a new comeback

Moksha…. Salvation… a step away from Destiny’s Child…same blog but with a whole new name. a name that reflects my current state of mind, that is symbolic of the much evolved me. Hope you stay with me as I gingerly make my way into the world that I had left behind. I may falter and may have writers block. I wont make tall comments as to how I will be back on the blogging on the blogging scene, I will just say that I will try and do my best. And I will do it for myself, to preserve my sanity.

The last time I wrote here I was a girl who returned home for what seemed like good, after a yearlong sojourn. I felt love was what made life bearable, I came back for the one I loved, giving up a career I had always wanted, compromising on my childhood dreams despite having financial liabilities. Things went downhill; I regretted giving up everything for someone I truly loved but that someone gave up me for everything else. Yes that was a bad phase, regrets were rampant, misgivings ruled, I couldn’t believe that I had messed up my life, maybe forever! But ultimately destiny showed me what she had planned for me. My belief never betrayed me… I soon got an opportunity I had always waited for…life from the outside felt like a dream come true little did I know that my carefully nurtured world would soon fall apart. Life never gave me an opportunity to breakdown to heal or evens be shattered… I had too many people pinning their hopes on me to let them down with my personal crisis. With the world falling apart for me in a distant land, I trudged along taking failures and heartbreak in my stride and built my life from scratch. My new world had its new challenges… I learned to cope up with this new phase called professional life… it had its stress and deliverables and all came at a massive price. I was blessed to have a mentor in a friend, a friend I had never even in my wildest dream contemplated of having that too in the least likely of places: office. Here I was forming new bonds and there on the personal front some old bonds were becoming weak… I was despairing at the course my life was taking… in pits of despair I found hope... I found strength... I found companionship... more than which I found the real me. The woman in me was born. 

The positives in my life outweighs the dark and more murky side. In my bid to escape my realities, to deal with the personal strife, to finally carve a career for myself I choose to move out of Hyderabad and now I’m back to Namma Bengaluru… and peace in search of which I found my way back to a place where I had started off, still eludes me. Confusion and chaos is still raging. I know I have made mistakes, I had wandered in search of salvation, more than which in search of me, in the process I have hurt people, wronged them. But my only consolation is that I have finally found me, I have realized what I really am, I have realized im not some perfectionist, but my ideal does exist only unattainable! But that does not change the feelings within me.. it does not change the most primitive of desires… that is of caring of concern and most importantly of love..

Be with me as a much matured Phoenix embarks upon a new journey of life in search of salvation… a special thanks to Anwesa who kept urging me to write to make a comeback…this one is for you babe! Leo without you goading me to finally write this post I would have procrastinated some more… Nikhil for never giving up on me in the darkest hour of my life…

Transitioning...

I have been home exactly a month back. Its been a massive journey in the past few months in my personal life.

Life at IIJNM hostel specially A2 (the room i stayed in) had transformed beyond my imagination just as the months ended and it was just a matter of a few weeks before we dismantled. it was a strange sensation, on one hand i was dying to get back, home seemed like paradise... at the same time a feeling of dread overcame me just imagining a life away from all my roomies. it was as if some invisible forces were bonding us in strong vices. the fun the laughter had suddenly magnified, we were closer than ever.

Vaidehi

Even now sometime i lay awake in the morning, closing my eyes tight imagining myself back at A2, hoping to just jump out of my bed and see all my roomies sleeping. i miss those goodnight and good morning sms's to Vaidu.. i miss seeing Deepi curled up in a ball, sleeping.. i miss the gurgling laughter of Anu...Shephali's morning exercise.. life was a routine... but mostly i miss having my best friend (Vaidu) around me 24*7.. its been painful experience to yank the roots i had spread at IIJNM to move away to my life (that has always been for the last 21 years) back at home. I cant ever forget the last roomie hug, the tears rolling down my face, clasping Vaidu's hands as they led me to the hostel gate where mum and dad were waiting for me to get into the car that would take me to the station and away from my 1 year stay at Bangalore and from people who had become my family. As the car moved away i could barely stop the tears., i could see Vaidu waving then she hung her head for a moment and then walked in stoically. the best part of the journey was, despite our differences, our clashing natures when it was time to say goodbyes we all left but we left being close to each other, and we left as good friends.

When i left home a year back I thought life was coming to an end on a personal front. But at the same time i knew my life was about to change forever, that it was my only opportunity to live a life that i had always wanted. I'm glad i took the plunge for the rise was surely worth it.

Coming up... Perks of living a life away from parents in a new city...

Scribblings

I write unsure of myself and of things i really want to write.

I have been home a little over a week and blogging has been on my mind ever since. But somehow i just couldn't make myself write. I wonder if i have anything more to offer to this place, this place has been instrumental in my life, both in my personal and professional life. This place became the one place where i could be me, where i went into incessant rants about my personal failings or achievements of issues i felt strongly about. But what took me back was that blogging gave me a leverage on my personal front. For the first time in life, during job interviews, I did not have to encounter quizzing eyes, when i told my HR that i blog, and have over 500 posts to my credit. it was then i realized what a world i had created for myself. I wonder why I feel this is important to say this, maybe its because I have not been able to give up on this space despite having nothing to offer.

On personal front life is messier than i had ever imagined. Not really a phase i'd like to rant about. For the first time in life probably i'm not sure of what i want. But in times of distress and immense personal strife one advantage is that I'm gonna earn doing what i love doing and what i do best: writing. However humble it may be, its a start; and i am grateful for that. Maybe this is what life had planned for me...

One of my learning's from this whole phase of transition, from a student to a professional is that

Nothing can be worse than living a life of regrets!

Sometimes its important in life to be selfish enough to fulfill your dreams and ambitions.. and not give it up for the supposed happiness of those you care most. Because life does not offer you opportunities each time and most often we live a life of regrets which does not really add to the happiness of our loved ones or ourselves.

Placement Season it is!

The placement season is on. Needless to say it just adds to stress if not anything else. Somehow this entire process of sitting for an exam, then wait endlessly for being shortlisted. on being announced its another stress to find if your name is there, if you are another round of stress descends you .. and you think now what? what will the ask will i make it? and if you don't then you have to prepare yourself for another round of stress for the next company that visits you... I wonder why the world is just about competition.. Darwin was a visionary when he spoke of "survival of the fittest'


Imagine how thousands of people sit for interviews and out of them just a lucky few get selected or shortlisted. Some times i wonder if its a matter of luck or just skill? i think its a bit of both. Some just sit for a job interview and at their first attemptget through and others despite the skill fail to make it anywhere. The disappointment and stress that comes with this entire placement process just seems to drain everything out of me. the wait and anticipation for the half baked jobs to turn into reality is driving to my graves..whats with getting short listed and yet not making it anywhere? ALC got short listed but didn't make it... PA sat for it..but dint make it for obvious reasons:fell asleep....Reuters:got shortlisted among 9 out of 60... but they are looking for business journalist which i know nothing off... I'm not optimistic about my chances and i don't even want to go for it because getting this far the disappointment will be too much to bear...

This is one of those phases in your life which is the toughest. if not anything else, your patience is tested so is your nerve... and on this account i think i have been trained... somehow once this ordeal finishes all i want is to go back home, hopefully with some saving grace (with a job) and just sink into my bed and just unwind...home now is about a month away...and where on one hand it fills me with renewed energy to go on on the same hand i cant ignore the fact the time is ticking away. Master's Project, Beat reporting, assignments as well as the part time I'm doing is nearly killing me. even though the latter is pleasurable but the distance i have to travel kills me at the end of the day..and its not funny...

With less than a month to go.. i really wish something positive comes out of all the hard work i have put in... like Rudyard Kipling says...

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

My first placement day !

Life has taken a new turn. we are now in the last leg of our course, specially with the placements proceedings beginning. Today Press Association came to our college to take the entrance test, this is the first company to visit us this year and that actually heightened the tension.

Like many others i opted to sit for the test, actually im sitting for almost all the companies that are coming without being pickey and choosey because after this course i need to get a job ASAP! :) What happened to me on my first placement day is something im not about to forget EVER!! i went to bed early and was having an undisturbed sleep for probably for the first time (since my noisiest roomie is away for the time being!) i thought the night would be peaceful but i woke up several times at night and thus i woke up tired and sleepy but because it was a placement day i willed myself to carry on with my chores! :(

The day began in the worst possible way. When i spotted the idli's for breakfast i should have known what was in store for me but i choose to be ignorant, and then i paid a price for it. i tripped and fell and dropped my morning cup of coffee, then embarrassed and extremely miserable i made my way to the shop for bread and omlette...after hogging i remembered that mom always forbade me to have eggs on the day of exam or anything important (call it superstitution or whatever! :P ) As if this wasnt already enough.. this PA made us wait for more than 3 hours to take the entrance test.. and that too when? during our lunch hour! damn them!
the test went fine and i finished my paper early and went back to hostel to eat. i changed into shorts and spaghetti and decided to take a nap after the long day but i kept wondering why my other roomies werent even there...an hour later my roomie walks in and asks me why i was absent during the second test! it was only then that i realized that I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE SECOND PART OF THE TEST COMPLETELY! then i called my prof begged him to let me sit for the test! i slipped on a tee and ran to the college to sit for the test! Sir was almost laughing at me, because i turned up disheveled and in shorts and tee and allowed me to sit for the test. somehow i finished the test in 15 minutes. i myself dont know what i wrote because i didnt even check my paper, i just managed to thrust the paper in the hands of the invigilator and run away to hide my face! by now the entire college knows i had forgotten about the test!! what an embarrassment!!! god!!

Of course i will make sure this is never repeated but the events that occurred during the course of the day has convinced me that this job at least is not meant for me.. hopefully something works out in the other projects that will come up.. that's all from my end as of now..tadaa!!

Reflections!

As journalists we are taught to look beyond the obvious. To hear the muted voices... to critically analyze, to first be apprehensive and then judge for yourself what we want to believe, what we must believe. The sad part of the deal is IIJNM with their esteemed faculty does not practice what they preach. they may be stalwarts in their profession but they fail to put into application what they want us all to adopt in life.

Sometimes we are so busy trying to do the right that we forget to stop and analyze if we ourselves are doing the right thing. i wonder if it occurs to people or it even matters to them, if they are being fair to people? i know it matters to me if im being fair or if im doing the right thing. like my roommates can be insensitive enough to talk in loud voices disturbing my much needed sleep (which is giving me a hard time!) i try and ensure i don't make any noise when im up and about and others are still sleeping. many tell me, its tit for tat, but i like to do what i think as right. i would rather be in my world where i will weave happiness into my day to day life, to breed positivity rather than going out of my way to prove a point. No im not trying to be saintly here. but it matters that im being fair or not. most others i think care not. they don't want to look beyond whats obvious, to think what the other person would have said to a particular issue if given a chance. to hear whats not being said, to analyze what the silences could mean...

Something like that happened to me yesterday, i chose to keep to my silences. they say silence is golden but now im beginning to wonder if it is? maybe one must resort to vices to pave your way ahead... maybe its the only way...but until i can transform myself, and distort my reality and be someone i am not... i guess i will have a lot more to survive and lot more injustices to brave through...

Life is all about perception and a bit of critical thinking! Something which most of us lack. and maybe it will be a good thing if we try and apply at least some of it in our lives, because our actions, our views or mindset can affect someone and that may and may not be fair at all.

Loving being Me!

When you stay from home you value it more than anything..Nostalgia has gripped me in a vice like grip and somehow i just cant shake this homesickness off me.. I've been missing home and loved ones like crazy...maybe its a phase.. i just cant wait for this course to come to an end... just 61 days to go and the wait seems unbearable!

Rudyard Kipling in his famous poem IF says-

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Finally im back from the taluk's got my work done in just 3 days... and just ran for my life... its so nice and peaceful at the hostel...no noise..and peace and quiet ..had an amazing sleep last night.. lazzed around all day today! :) was in absolute bliss....dont know how long this will last... Twitter/FB are taking revenge (as Anwesa says) i cant seem to update anything... :( at the moment im loving being on my own..spending time with myself.. its really refreshing specially because from next week the pressure will only increase...starting with mid semester review then working on Master's project..placement week...and then there is Samik's visit..which im absolutely looking forward too..what a deserving break it will! god cant wait...

thats all on my end...

cya for now :)

Peace!

INFJ

I'm INFJ according to MBTI test .. what type are you? not just some other personality test... its a psychometric test which allows you to understand yourself better...check it out.. its fun... click here

INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Busy life...

Sometimes life brings you at a cross road where you need to choose yourself over what you have always believed, felt and lived for. the decision to choose between one is excruciatingly painful, because until then the two roads was enmeshed into one whole. Choices, is something we all have to make in every walk of life. sometimes you allow you heart to rule your heart sometimes its just just the other way around. i choose a road which took me to me, a life of self respect leaving behind a life i had built. im proud i did that. sometimes it takes loosing someone to finally get a reality check in life. maybe it sounds silly.. but it took Samik somewhat months of staying apart to realize for himself what he truly wants... and when i had all the things i wanted served to me i thought it was only fair to give in... maybe this makes me sound so silly what with parting ways only to meet again..at least i wont live to regret what i have done.. nothing is worse than living life with regrets!

A part of me feels sad for a special friend who has truly proved how worthy he is as a friend and i will treasure him for lifelong!

so wassup at my end?

for starters im the Editor (again!! :( ) but this time for Bengali (regional) bulletin, last time i was the editor of the english bulletin which was far easy to handle! im worried sick because the last time my team members sabotaged my bulletin on purpose. thankfully we have a decent team, maybe we will manage something good in the end... and it promises to be fun...and we have trained our reporters to do P2C's (where the reporters say I'm Phoenix reporting for IIJNM Bangalore) in Bengali... its so cute the way our reporters (all non Bongs) trying to speak these few words in Bengali :P :) but tomorrow there will be a colossal amount of work what with translating around 21 stories, editing them and then going on air..will surely be an uphill task.

I hope you guys had a great Valentines day.. as for me for the first time in say 5 years i never felt anything.. i saw all my friends (couples) vegetating...it felt as if J-school sucked the life out of me.. apparently i was supposed to receive a parcel which decided not to turn up, even today :( damn!

im leaving for Taluk visits like i did in November last year. tons to do on that front too, because my degree depends on my masters project. the team is a terrible one, the same as the last time so i would have tons to put up with.. im planning life so that i don't have to spend more time than necessary there...

With life getting tougher... do look out at twitter updates for more on my life..

this is Phoenix signing off in true IIJNM ishtyle... :)

Learning to say No

How many times has it happened to you, when someone came up to you and asked you something that would totally inconvenience you and you could not help but agree. why? all because you cant say "no"

Well if you think you are the only one here's someone to keep you company. meet "me" yea you read it right. I'm the maha example of this. i just cant seem to make myself say "sorry but i really cant" "no not now maybe later?" "can you please ask someone else?" well this trait of mine has led me to many a situation where i had to do something i really dint want to. imagine few days back this girl came up to me and told me know what i have mehendi on my palms i cant really wash my hair will you just shampoo it for me. for once i did wonder why she didn't ask her room-mates instead of approaching me... but before i could say no i simply shrugged and i spent rest of the morning washing her hair *making a face* (there is a hair controversy with her .. )

Then again one day this girl's roomie comes up to me when i was watching a movie.. "hey can you please help me wax my arms i cant do it on my own" and i was like "hmm sure i will.. " and she was... okay come over now then.. and i was like WTF! but i did go along with her...leaving my movie unfinished.. these two incidents really shook me... i mean what kind of a dufus was i?!.. and then i went on damage control...

From then on whoever asked me for some help i made it a point to say 'no', no matter what. so when this girl P asked me if she could use the Mac i was using to copy footage while i was editing.. i just said no... when M asked me if she could borrow my hard drive i definitely told her no.. but saying no did land me in some sort of a fix because when my professor asked me to fetch a book for her from the library i blatantly told her "no" !! but of course i managed to rectify my stand before she got pissed...

so the moral of the story is... Learn to say no but first see who the person is in front of you..unless you want to be kicked where it hurts the most! :)

Tragedy of Life

Often when we lie we lose our credibility,
So when we actually tell the truth
no-one believes it!

P.S-I had meant the previous post to be funny and sarcy but apparently it came out as a bitter post. truly not what i had intended. apologies...

Obituary

Often when someone does, pain and loss makes you want to carve words out of beautiful memories of the deceased. But i write at the sheer meaningless nature of 'what was'.

It began exactly 5 years ago with a phone call. it was 19 Th of January 2005. that fateful day two virtual friends consolidated their friendship over a mere phone call.. what followed was, many more phone calls over 6 months, until the final step was taken. Thus 'Relationship' as we fondly call It was born.

Birth and death are two facets of life. if you are born you are fated to die. when or how you will die is never in our hands but when 'relationship' died it was because one had become tired of trying while the other couldn't care less. So we lost our beloved 'Relationship' to a not so painful death, probably 'It' was preparing itself for the end to happen, and when it did come she surrendered without a fight.

Relationship is survived by two of "Its" extensions (though two of them don't co exist anymore) One is a healthy female given to bouts of anger, tears and normalcy with regular succession. the other is (a worthless) male who is stunned (unaware of what happened and why, as usual) He continues to see comfort in a child like way in the arms of his creator and his failings; choosing not to assume responsibility for his actions.lets just blame it on his stunted mental growth and forgive him, because forgiveness as Oscar Wilde says "Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys them so much". Moreover by forgiving we earn a ticket to heaven, or we would have had a chance encounter with him hell! *shudder* *shudder*

Good it was while the effort existed. Died with the lack of it and mental imbalance of one man. Its presence will be mourned by one who truly valued It, until the next one comes along (you didn't except me not to move on did you?! :) )

This is what Relationship would have said if It could from its grave... It would lament that undeserving individuals who are desperate to be "cool" welcome It without having basic qualifications (brains, maturity and the guts to stand up for the choices they make). I assure you, It told me this wasn't me.. Before Relationship breathed Its last... It said It wanted to live longer if only the "alpha male had been a man enough...alas!

As one of the key extensions of our late 'Relationship" i wish i could spare a word or too about my EX. However, his failures and lack of credibility has handicapped my social skills. do forgive me, i cannot rise about the injustices done to me to tell lies about a man who is not worthy to be categorized such. lairs, cheaters, manipulators and losers just do not deserve the slightest mention... i hope my shortcomings and rudeness will be forgiven, for it hardly holds water when compared to my EX. thanks in advance ( for the forgiveness of course! :))

RIP Relationship. May you never happen to those who donot value you, despite learning the lesson twice over. Peace!

6 months in Namma Bengaluroo..

I came to Bangalore on the 18Th of July 2009 and its been 6 months since...6 months in an unknown city .. okay now somewhat known.. its nothing short of a wonder really... there i was 6 months back shuddering to even think of a life apart from life in Kolkata..the very thought of moving out sent chills down my spine..and now I'm settled in, and 'this' seems like life now. god! its something i cant even begin to comprehend.. so how was it?

i dint want to sulk..saying naah! Bangalore doesn't seem like home.. of course it isn't... i know it took me time to understand this.. i have now come to accept it instead of warring with it.. so now it seems nice.. i have hardly seen Bangalore despite residing in this place for like 6 months... but hey the best part of being here studying Journalism is.. i get to go to places [very reluctantly] but hell it makes me not only know the places but there are places i know by heart. i confess i really have to memorize the streets in case i got lost. :) but the best part of this lease of life is, i roam about anonymously. when tears pour down my cheeks there is no one here to question it... if i smile it goes unnoticed.. i blend in with the crowd... i feel lost but even loneliness feels great. it gives me space to just "be"... my realities are back home.. to escape them Bangalore is a perfect hideout.. i lost much ever since im here..but the scenic beauty, the calmness that surrounds this place called Kumbulgudu [that's where i stay in Bangalore.. okay not Bangalore..off Mysore highway] really heals me... i lay there on the terrace staring at the clear sky without a sense of time.. its sort of therapeutic.. i have learnt to live on my own.. to bring my home, my world to where i am... longing is there.. but i have made peace with life.. i have decided to make the most of the next 4 months and I'm even open to maybe adopt Bangalore as my future home.. :)

life is constantly changing, so is the world around us.. maybe it is time i do too... :)

Tagged

I was tagged in Fb by Anwesa but im doing this here... :) ya you guessed it right.. i didnt have much to write here :P


Rules:
Respond and rework – answer these questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own, and add one more question to the list. Then tag eight or ten other new set of people.

1.What is your current obsession?
Thinking about S

2. What are you wearing today?
My favorite Black top

3. What’s for dinner?
Chicken hopefully

4. What’s the last thing you bought?
recharge

5. What are you listening to right now?
people furiously punching the keys on their keyboards

6. What do you think about the person who tagged you?
a sweetheart

7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Paris/Shankarpur..


8. What are your must-have pieces for summer?
sunglasses, sun block, umbrella, lots of cotton tops/kurtas


9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Home

10. Which language do you want to learn?
as of now Kannada


11. What’s your favourite quote?
tough times dont last, tough people do

12. Who do you want to meet right now ?
Samik

13. What is your favourite colour?
Blue

14. What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own closet?
yellow tee that reads.. "everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die.. given to me by Samik

15. What is your dream job?
doing what i do best, get paid for it in a firm of repute

16. What’s your favourite magazine?
not a magazine person..

17. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
$100* 45= Rs 4500... will spend it on buying a digital photoframe.. wanna gift it

18. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
bad colour combo..

19. Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?
duh im not really knowledgeable about fashion

20. What kind of haircut do you prefer?
tons of Layers



21. What are you going to do after this?
hmm think of a worthwhile post to post next...

22. What are your favorite movies?
all sappy rom cops..been devouring them by dozens lately

23.How many tabs are turned on in ur browser right now?
around 15

24. What inspires you?
hmm i inspire myself

25. 3 styling tips that always work for you.

less is more
subtle is the key
comfy yet casual

26. What do you do when you “have nothing to wear” (even though your closet’s packed)?

oo i never have one of those days...

27.. Coffee or tea?

Definitely Coffee

28. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?

just let my mind wander

30. Which other blogs do you love visiting?

all those who are on my blog roll, they are really impressive..

31. Favorite Dessert/Sweet?

anything to do with chocolate

32. Favorite Season?

hmm im a rain person :)

33. If I come to your house now, what would you cook for me?

depends on what you are in a mood to eat...im a pretty good chef



34. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?

let them go

35. What are you afraid of the most ?

Failures

36:What brings a smile on your face instantly ?
memories of happier times...photographs..old letters, cards.. flowers that are preserved with care..

37:What makes me the most sad?
people just dont seem to want to look beyond what is obvious


38: What would you do,if I die the next moment?

write an obituary?! lol! just kidding.. may god grant many many more years of life :)

If you like this tag do take it up :) its rather fun!

A penny for my thoughts..

How does it feel to rip out a part of you that was you once held dear but which had since then become dead and decayed? Since it deserved to be amputated, i did so without remorse. I will be with the one who values me and not the one with empty words. this is it! over!

Musings

When you fall on your back,
there is just one way out: UP

Sorry haven't been able to read and comment but will do so this Sunday! :) tadaa for now..

This N That

I'm back to Bangalore. Came back yesterday. no matter how much i reasoned with myself i could hardly control the tears that rolled down as the flight took the runway. i made an utter fool of myself as the Steward [ a real hunk!] stopped during the security demonstration to peer closely at me and i squeezed my eyes shut firmly as if to block him out. maybe that's why he was more courteous to me while serving my coffee! :P

it was so tough getting back to hostel. i just wanted to cry like a 10 year old, that i wanted to go back home. with a heavy heart and throbbing head i set forward unpacking. god! hated it all! but the best part of it was my friend dropped in and told me those magical words and i couldn't help but smile "125 more days to go home.. Cheer up!" mom and dad had packed me sandwiches and pastries for the journey which i had in my break today.. and felt heavenly.. everything i do.. the craving for home in my heart never ceases...

on college front, tons has been happening.. i missed out 2 tests yesterday..and 3 more to take tomorrow...yes that means i should be studying now and I'm blogging..trust me there is no guilt but sinful pleasure. jokes apart, this time i have promised i ll take interest and enjoy what I'm doing, i didn't do that before..work wasn't as good as it should be.. and yes no more negative attitude this time for sure! :) will make the most of these 125 days.. make that 124 tomorrow morning! :) :D

O yea i miss Samik.. i know i should not given the current circumstance...the feeling never leaves me.. i wish he had tried... he proved me how it was so worth it..things would have been so different.. so fulfilling..if only.. sigh! :|

Home sick... yea to say the least but have much to do... test tomorrow...just dropped in to say hi! :)
tadaaaaa

did i tell you Journo Schools drive you to your grave?.. okay gotta really go.. :)

Changing times..

There are times you actually have to let go
to selfishly put yourself before others
to realize,that however good it is, it wont work
to have courage to hear the voice of reason;
amidst a din of the heart that weakens you
it is then time to steel yourself and
do what you know is right,
even if the result is far from happy.
tears and longing will try and weaken your resolve
solitude will break your heart.
no matter how difficult it is, the final step should be taken

So What's New?!

God! how i wish i was the cool chick who is oh so hot! who has an attitude to flaunt, a life to live.. in short hot and happening! here i am boring me. struggling in the race of life, no colour whatsoever and no attitude to flaunt! but heck! I'm me isn't it! and just because i don't have a thing doesn't mean i cant right? so it brings me to that point where i make resolutions..


are you wondering, why make resolutions when you will not keep it? Dude.. i make resolutions and i make them turn true you know ..ahaan! :) don't roll your eyes now... :P :)

• I'm gonna take pride in myself and my accomplishments.. and will gain my confidence back and walk tall...
• people will make me feel like a dimwit [ o yea they have] i will turn up my nose at them.. and tell them to F***k O*F! or Kiss My A$$!!
• Will stop being Uptight and ease out!
• Will take failures and disappointments in my stride...most importantly will forgive myself.
• Will channelize my energies..
• Will Blog!!! and get back to the two people who have struck by me, through thick and thin and did not abandon me in favour for newer friends..they were there no matter what!! Anwesa and Nikhil... a promise made and will be keep! no more hibernation!!
• Will put in my all for the one this i need desperately JOB!!

Now for the hopes and prayers of this new year...

The last year has been pretty rough on my parents.. they have proven just how much parents really do for their kids..my parents put me and my comfort before their own needs.. and this year i hope and pray i can make them proud by overcoming my not so great grades, get a job so that i can give them all that they deserve and more. not only do i owe it to them but because it pains me to see how much they do to provide me a decent life. its time unhappiness and hardship makes a move, paving way for some comfort and happiness to reign!

Since I'm in an asking mood... God please please.. first give me a job... and second give me a job in Kolkata please...i miss home and not a day passes when i don't long to come back..let me be where i have sent 21 years of my life.. please please..getting a job would be superb but a job in Kolkata would be a cherry on the cake!! please make my life! :) :P

With such a huge list i think Mister God must have logged out of his prayer inbox already :P anyway.. how was your 31st? new year resolutions in 2010??

P.S- I'm planning to change my template of the blog..can you guys suggest good templates/widgets etc? any suggestions is always welcome!!