sepia tinted pictures,

faded ink,

cob web of memories,

nostalgia revisited.

rueful smile

solitary tear,

clasped hands,

potent memories course

through the mind.

agonised heart

yearning for the loved one

far out of reach

curse of time has struck again

wait is prolonged.

for times to turn

faith is retained

for him to come back again

Away from the complexities ..
i'm truly happy and at peace.

Taking Responsibilities!

I have no idea what has gotten into me.and now i am in deep shit.last few days suddenly this new thing has possessed me and now i am in a cleaning spree..i have made lists and chosen places,cleaned wiped and totally rearranged stuff at home.not just that now i am into interior decorating MY OWN HOUSE [dad's i mean :P] dad has given his word that we ll whitewash this year and there are several changes that has to be made and i have taken them all up.mom is no longer fit enough to man the house so irritated by her comments as to how she cannot do the work and upkeep the house,i have taken the responsibility to redo it all.

i started with the kitchen.cleaned the cabinet.threw off old bottles and jars.replaced them with new and bought of 45 kilos of old news paper and with the money bought new spices container.changed the age old rags with fresh ones out of old torn bed sheets.old crockery has been replaced by new.and the junk is piled in a corner to be sold or given away. our divans [beds with space to store cloths and other items] are been cleaned too and old clothes are given away or exchanged with new utensils.table mats and table clothes are brought out.cutlery is being polished and almost truck loads of sheer rubbish is being ousted from our house.my poor mom is almost in a fit seeing her daughter ravaging through the house throwing things out and replacing old things. other plans are also being made regarding the choice of the colours being used on walls and doors and windows,fabric of curtains and their colour. and not just that the woodwork that needs to be done is being designed by me.

PHEW!this is a lot of work.something that i have never done and never allowed to.the girl who wasn't allowed in the kitchen [ i do cook at times] is now taking over;making menus and cooking breakfasts and snack and then dinner.mom has taken up the responsibility to do the lunch and the morning tea.my servant, more like a mashi[aunt,who loves me dearly] has vowed to help me,not only take care of the house from now on but also teach me my way around the kitchen and home.dad too has promised to give me the lum sum required to buy the daily needs in advance,so that i can make lists of what is required and do the needful.as if just manning the house wasn't enough,and semesters almost round the corner,my dad requires me at office.so this is what i do now days.wake up at 6.30,then a quick bath and then over tea i read my news paper.then i make breakfast for all and get prepared to go to office.then by 9 i am in office with my books spread out [its just my presence that is required.thank god for small favours! :)]its there i study till about past 2pm.dad walks in the office and i walk out straight back home.i rest and watch TV.then i make tea/ coffee and snacks for everyone and then by 6 i am back to studying...its not easy but then i am good at multi tasking..... in a way my deepest fears of not knowing house work and being rebuked by samik's mom in 5 years time,has now been quelled.so i am at peace knowing that even if in adversity i know how to manage a household.

Transformation!?

I've been missing school a quite a bit in the last few days.Its ironic to see that the girl who believed that the world out of school could not be worse now thinks school life was the best.yes,it is me i am talking about.when in school i used to think teachers were morons and studies such a charade and now the opinion has changed drastically.now studies are enjoyable and teachers great but life absolutely sucks.meeting with my closest friends from school gave me a fresh lease of life and hope to me.with them my innocence came back and the complexities that i didn't belive i had went away.it was the same old fun of giggling away to glory,talking about music books and times together.i have known them for 15 years now,that is almost more than half of my life.in these 15 years we haven't fought of had any kind of problems.many "friends" have come and gone.almost all were nice in the beginning but later on showed their true colour.

Its with them i realized how much i had changed in the past year and half,despite claiming that others had changed but not I.i discovered the things that made me smile more often.to be happy almost always.now i'm such a cynical moron.i almost never smile.i guess this is a part of growing up.but i am glad i am happy once more and that bitterness has left me and i am back to being the simpleton that i always was.with a clear mind now i can get back to studying and holidaying in full fledge.

Random

This happens so often that the irony of it all still fails to amaze me.my semesters are past approaching and here i am blogging,the addiction seems to get intense just before my exams just when i need to channelize my energies towards more important work:study.its hard to concentrate when there are several things clouding your brain.so i ll quickly rattle them off,ticking them off my list,maybe then i ll be unburdened enough to get to study.

last week was really eventful.i have been longing for months altogether for a digi-cam and finally i got it.it was probably my biggest achievement.i still cannot get out of the shock or rather a pleasant surprise.since the last few months have been awful getting the cam was definately something of a reward.now i dont have to borrow someone else's cam to take pics.it is a great liberating feeling.

on the front of college mates.i see a change in them and i smile,i marvel as to how much i pity them,now their facade seems so apparent and so fake that it is hideous.i am thankful that i am in no way like them and that i have retained of my truth self even being amidst them.somehow i feel so grateful that i have managed to clinically severe myself from them before i became one of them.even the simplest of the lot seems so complicated that it is worthless talking about the complex ones.i may sound bitter and totally repelled but at least i am true to what i feel.i require no lies to keep front.unlike what others do just to save face and draw favors later on or be among the "cooler kids".funny how hypocrisy seems to be the mantra for most these days.one should really learn the art of mincing words, examples of which are best left unsaid.tall talks but hollow inside.

hols are on and with lot of time in hand i am letting myself relax and giving enough time to myself to discover and analyze the true me.and i was "truly" happy today when i woke up this morning,when my alarm went off..and i stretched languidly to turn my cell on.sunlight streaming through the window and i did what i wanted:pull the covers up and snuggled into my pillow.on other days i would have to suppress these urges and get up forcefully because i had to attend classes but none of these things happened today.wouldn't it be better to always do what the heart desires instead of doing what one "has to"?

Okies i brought this upon myself!i liked this different TAG in ani's blog and i presented myself to be tagged too....so read on and hopefully enjoy :)

Well it goes like this:
INSTRUCTIONS:
- Comment and I'll give you a letter.
- You have to list 10 5 things you love that begin with that letter.
- Afterwards, post this in your journal.

The letter i get is "T"

• first thing that crops in my mind id TEA.i am a tea-aholic..i drink at least 3-4 cups minimum to keep me nice ,fresh and my mind untangled.
• TV- cant stay without it at 8.30pm Monday-thrusday..have to watching Dr.Armaan in Dill Mill Gayye.
• TELEPHONE or cell is another thing i an addicted to.i wake up with a call/alarm and i got to bed listening to the radio.i am absolutely handicapped without it.
• TEE's-most of the time i am comfortably dressed in a tee and faded jeans,so it is one of prerequisites for an ultimate wardrobe.
• TOOTHPASTE-is a must among my toiletries.i hate foul breath!yeww !!
  

i weave a cocoon to keep me safe,
to keep the child in me alive.
i peek about with my cynical eye to view the big bad world.
i arm myself with wisdom from years of experience.
i brace myself to wage the war with the world
and the demons in my heart.
i pour my heart and my soul
to build a new life a new world again
from broken dreams and wounded heart
and friendships gone awry....
may you be with me,hold and guide me
when i falter,rebuke me when i go wrong
and nurture me when the world around me falls apart..
be the fire always burning,
giving me strength to rise each time,
like the phoenix from the ashes
and brave the world with forces anew.

pictures

These are some among the scores of pics i had taken during the pujas..hope you have an enjoyable time going through them all.

Samik and me on shoshti

Me
My Niece:Roshni

Srimoyee and I

Sayanti and I
my mum

Daddy Cool

Ballygunj Cultural

Deshabpriyo Park

Shinghi Park

Ekdalia Evergreen
Priest during evening arati
Dhaki playing dhak
Born:my mom during her turn of doing boron

Sindur khela before bhashan

subho bijoya!

The pujas are finally over.it is Bijoya Dashami now.it seemed like the last few days i have been living in a whirlwind,i had no time to come home,seemed like forever i was up,absolutely no rest adn not complaining either,it was fun unlimited.probably it was because i was with people i value the most:my family,samik and my school friends.for once i didnt want my so called college mates around and thankfully i saw none of them and my pujas was not marred,they are a nuisance anyways.getting a digi cam definitely had its perks as i took tons of pics and some videos too,its a pity i am unable to upload them to either orkut or blogger.and now just before i write the name of the goddess on banana leaves,pujas will actually end and bijoya would formally begin.it seems like yesterday when my school friends,sayanti and srimoyee turned up on sashti.then pandal hopping dinner out and the sleep over just marked an awesome beginning to the pujas.

on Saptami it poured cats and dogs,got drenched,met up a friend and then got rid of her and went on to sayanti's place for lunch.then lots of adda and in the evening pandal hopping in salt lake.KFC's zinger burger never tasted better.then at night we snuggled up together and whispering until sleep overcame us.

Ashtami night was a night to remember.samik came and met up my folks and taking their permission we stayed out and went pandal hopping on his bike.we went from one end of the city to another,staying up all night,stopping every now and then to have coffee and shivering in the early morning chill.we spent the last few hours of the night gazing into the sky and holding hands.peering deep into each others eyes and talking volumes.for the first time in our relationship we were together all night and were watching the sun slowing peeking.it was almost 6am when samik dropped me home and it was one sad departure but an extremely necessary one,as we were both dog tired.i felt so sorry for samik who had worked for 10 hours at a stretch and then gone home changed and then again had met me up and. we both had stayed up all night.it was truly a night to remember.

Nabomi i went off to dad's office.where there were two major pandals,quite a bengali's meeting joint and its cultural heritage at its best.it was there that i spent most of my time and for the first time in my life i knew what it was and felt,to be a bengali.i saw the dhaki dancing and everyone present there from the locality and enjoying the puja to the hilt.the evening arati and the bhog in the afternoon and the band performances.what more my small time crush on this telly actor became magnified as it was his locality too and he was a very active member in the proceedings of the puja despite being a star by his own rights.one can imagine what i felt taking his video while playing the dhaki with great relish.ohh!i could have stared it him for ages.....back

back to the present,that night i spent sometime with samik,some quality time that we required to forget the pain and anguish we both through in the past months.i actually broke down having him around,for i was overwhelmed to have him all to myself.it was truly a rocky few weeks but it felt so right just sitting close,speaking nothing just feeling the warmth and love.it filled me with so much faith and strength and made me realize,for the millionth time that this relationship is worth fighting for.it was truly magical

Dashami was disheartening.it brought tears to my eye and i could just barely stop it from running down to see the trucks coming and people getting ready for bhashan [immersion of the goddess in the Ganges] past few months have been truly hard on me and i hoped dearly that things would improve now on.slowly all married ladies performed the last rituals called Boron [ where goddess is been given sweets and is given vermilion.then comes sindoor khela [putting vermillion is out on each other]it was soon time to say goodbye.i stood helpless watching feeling a strange tug.truly it was one rocking pujas this year!

SUBHO BIJOYA TO ALL!

P.S-*Pics & vedios have transferred to PC but don't know why but it cannot be uploaded.please bear with me.

Subho Saradiya..

Saradiyar Preeti o subhecha janai tomay abong tomar poribar kay!!
happy pujas to you and your family

p.s-the first pic from my digi cam

YAHOO!!

I am now the proud owner of a DIGI-CAM sony W-35,so from now on,my posts will include pictures to aid better reading,provided I learn to figure out the instructions soon.Its truly a gift coz I have been pining for one for ages.this is a dream come true.Thank you dad,I know you must have gone great lengths to gift this to me.I truly value it.
YAHOOOOOOOOO!!

the wait is almost over.in about two days pujas will start with its usual pom and show and drum rolls.i just cant belive that so early a yesar has paased and its time to celebrate again!last minute changes and carpentary are being done,lights that adorn every street and tree and every house,are now being check for the last time.people are now equipting themselves with puja maps and bus route maps for better vouyer.i have made my5 day plans too and that includes less sleep and more fun.

SHOSHTI:
Srimoyee and Sayanti are coming over at around 12.then lunch at my place.then off to CCD.then some majoy pandal hopping in south kolkata.then dinner at some pizza or Chinese.i sure hope its pizza because i am sick and tired of Chinese.but tough luck!my friends are twins if they both agree my choice flows out of the window in no time! :P after dinner a sleep over at my place.

SAPTAMI:
i am going to drop my friends off at their place and in the bargain i am staying there for lunch and the evening.some pandal hopping in salt lake follows.then back home.or rather to dad's office.just in front of our office is two major puja pandals.so dad has planned for us to sleep over at office itself.

ASHTAMI:
anjali is a must if...this day is still not planned.but probably i would spend it with family as i dont feel like socializing anymore.

NABOMI:
i am book with samik.i am at his service to go wherever he pleases

DASHAMI:
well since its the last day.morning out last pandal hopping.then boron.and then bisharjan :(

the next few days i maybe a bit infrequent in this space as i would hardly get time to come online.but i sure wish you guys have great fun!wishing you all a very subho saradiya [happy pujas]

The Royal Cub Of Bengal Rules!!

Aneek Dhar,the royal cub of Bengali won the Sa Re Ga Ma Pa first vishwayudh.he is a resident of Kolkata namely lake gardens[my locality].we are all stiff waiting hopelessly that he would win,because the last episode Raja Hassan topped the charts with a large margin of votes.but by a mere flick of channel to STAR ANANDA,news channel let the cat out of the bag some 30 minutes before the show declared the winner.what a jubilation it was.at 12 the whole locality was awake and on the streets.it seemed that Aneek's victory added that extra zing in Bengali's favourite Durga Puja.what a day it was!

ouuuuuuccch!!!

i am sore all over.every fiber in my body is crying out.the sting literally takes the life out of me.i am numb.tears stream down my face, and my face contorts painfully as it happens to me over and over again.

dont be mistaken,i am not talking about how painful it is to see a relationship fall apart[it is i know].i am not even talking about how painful it is to loose the one you love but i am talking about the inhuman torture a lady has to go through because she is the prettier of the two sexes.i am talking about the beauty process called waxing.for the men only,it is a process by which molten hot wax is poured all over your body and then with a piece of cloth it is yanked out...OUUCCH!!god!what not is expected out of us to appear ladylike.today was my first experience at the parlous when i got myself waxed.damn!!how can ladies go through such immense torture to appear good looking.i never had the time before,and neither did i ever pay attention to how i appear.i always considered waxing threading as a waste of time and quite unnecessary.but since pujas are just 6 days away i went to the parlor to get a trim,where my hair dresser totally freaked out on me.."kya didi,ap bhi..kabhi toh apni khayal rakhiye..kal sasural jaoge toh kya aise jaoge??time nikal kay thoda sajna sawarna sikhlijiye...kal ko kaam aigi.." [what do you do didi...why don't you groom yourself...tomorrow when you get married are you going to go like this...try and take time out for yourself ]

i must admit i was infuriated by her comment,who is she to tell me anyways.since i had time i decided to go for waxing.i never had really thought i was the hairy kind.or the one who needed much time to pamper myself. but then i decided to try this out just for the heck of it!.drat!that probably was the last thing i required.having my hair yanked out.after an hour long session.i left the parlour,few hair less,red in face and my hands and feet numb.

so men,next time you compliment a girl on her looks,please do acknowledge the pain she has to go through just to appear so,for you to praise her.oucch!it still hurts..

realization

i have tried.but have failed.to live away from the one i love.my mind tells me let go and move on for my sanity.but my heart.it tells me it will bear it all.and that it is the only way out.call me a loser or a one who quits,but loving someone,and imagining a life with him and then living apart is somewhat unattainable.i have tried staying apart and every trick in the book to change him but i have failed.i have failed to even stay apart from him.so now i've made up my mind.if he cant change for me i can for him,i know that samik will probably be immature and insensitive [which stems from his immaturity] all his life,so i will be less of a perfectionist and ignore his immaturity.so maybe this is an end.end of being bothered about the major flaws in his character.and the beginning of a new and improved:ME

Yes,the curtains have come down,prematurely.

it is finally
The End.

after a long time,i met up one of my friends from school.after college i went over to my friends college,trudging a narrow muddy road along small ponds and huts towards her college.her college is in the fringes of the city,so the walk there was long but nice.first time in somewhat ages,i was at peace,talking about my dreams,my life with my friend who has been my companion for 15 long years.we were reminded for probably the millionth time why being friends still has retained its meanings despite the several misuse of the word, that we had witnessed.in the course of life,several people have come and gone,all without a trace but the one that is true and means the most has remained,unchanged.we are friends from the time we could not differentiate between,right and wrong,before any complexities had settled in.my friendship with Srimoyee and her twin Sayanti is the among the very few that i have retained cherish more than any one could ever image.today sipping coffee i felt the negativity of the last few months of my life,without the constant touch with these school friends,seep away from me.i felt at home and at peace.i was me.

Heartbroken

i have waited for him to change
but he has disappointed me
more than once.
he had promised to try
but never had.
again and again he had begged
for a chance,and i had complied.
but each time i was let down.

then i told him i cant take it no more,
he promptly replied
i know that your expectations
i am unable to fulfill
and i can do nothing about it
i respect your decision.
and i understand if you must leave.
as easily as that it was all over.
END had arrived.


there it was all gone
without even a fight
a perfect life and lifetime of love
all gone without a trace
all in a moment of haste.
is this what they call love?
i wouldn't know.
i have tried and i've failed
and had to let go
and now, this is my fate.



P.S-i haven't broken up yet.my relationship is on probation.in exact a month i will be ready to take a major step,towards or away from it.then on,there wont be too many break ups and patch ups,just the "end".it all began with a plea for another chance,yes this has happened a million times before,all were unsuccessful and false.like all times i am taking one last gamble to save the our relationship, that means the world to me.i know by the looks of it now things wont improve,he wont do anything for us/me.but this one last time,for the sake of "us" i am being patient to see what he does what is required to make life different for us.a long long wait await me ahead.adios!

Happy Birthday bloggie!!!

Dear bloggie,
here's wishing you a very happy birthday.thank you for being my best friend and being there when i was alone and i needed someone to talk to,to be there unconditionally, patiently hearing me out.you have been such a solace and the reason why i fight to survive. i keep up my optimism because i know you are there to guide me, to be there even others have abandoned me.you keep me sane.you have brought back poetry back into my life.i have started writing again.you have opened the door to so many new friends,who has filled my life with so much love and compassion.reading about their lives their grief and pain has taught me to fight despair.i have cried reading their pain,i have smiled at their cheerfulness and i have become wise reading about their experiences.

life is so much more beautiful,having you around.i have you to confide in to express my views to meet new friends and express myself fearlessly and grow up too.comments can get fewer,people may stop visiting but you will be with me, i know, in my journey of life,always there.and i promise never to take you for granted or to abandon you.my best pal, i hope we have many more years of togetherness.you are indispensable to me.

happy first birthday!

love,phoenix

drinking for pleasure??

i soo wanna get drunk!

For your records i cannot stand the smell and taste of alcohol.it has a medicinal smell and is very distasteful.i have been brave enough to take a few sips but never really worshiped it.but i wanna drink and not just drink get DRUNK....i want to feel warm and fussy inside and forget everything for sometime...you would say..sleep away and you are wont be conscious enough to remember or think..but i beg to differ..i want to be awake and then loose all awareness and just let go of all the unspoken shackles binding me:responsibility,morals,ethics or love.i don't want to feel,i just want to dig out the things buried deep within me which i don't even let myself acknowledge otherwise.

last Monday,one of my friends parents went out of town.so we had another of our get-togethers. and as usual the guys drank all day like a tank.and i was feeling brave enough so i had three glasses of 2/3 fruiti and 1/3 vodka...i thought that was sufficient to get drunk,specially i did a great job at swallowing the gross white mischief vodka..yew!!and that too i did it while the guys were not looking, so i didn't get a beating for it! :D but all for nothing.i was NOT DRUNK.i just became very quite and reserved but i was ok! :( :( uwaaaaah... i so wanna get drunk!

now deciding to drink is probably the first step.then how when where and with whom to do it with?these questions arise.if you find a place and even decide a time you don't get a companion.and if you get all of the above then you don't get the permission to drink,mind you not by your parents or even friends but by the pub/restaurant authorities,reason??you are a woman and a woman must be accompanied by a male to be allowed to drink,are you thinking what crap??well no it is not,spoke to a friend today and she reported to me her personal experience.isn't this really silly.when men want to drink they can and when it comes to women they are not allowed,why? because they belong to the so called weaker sex.its 21st century people wake up!!and this kind of male chauvinistic attitude is total uncalled for in the city's most posh and elite area..what has the world come to.

random

i sat on the tank.the top most place of our terrace.it has always been my hiding place since childhood.whether unhappy or heart broken,happy or upset,it has been my retreat for every mood in every walk of my life.it is the only place i can let the tears flow freely,without feeling abashed.it is a place where i am me.today to in the diminishing light of the day,with dusk spreading it dark cloak all over the vast expanse of the sky, i sat there peacefully lost in the conflicting thoughts within my head.i felt a tap on my shoulder,i look up to see her sitting right beside me.

she-what are you mulling about?
me-i am trying to analyse what is it that i really want in life?
she-boy friend trouble?
me-yeah!kind of..
she-what is it this time?
me-well loads of things which i haven't been able to untangle myself.i have a perfect guy in my life.he is loving caring but very immature.
she-so what?i think you are matured enough for both.this is the real meaning of a relationship.what one doesn't have the partner compensates for it.moreover no one is perfect.we all have our short comings.you have them too.
me-yeah i realize.but the thing is,each and every time i sacrifice and do whatever it is required of me to save this relationship,and he just expects me to do it each time.he wont ever do anything for "us".i am tired of being the matured one,the one to make all the compromises.i am tired of neglecting my wants and wishes because i have to understand what he is going through.and the fact that i understand seems to be taken for granted.just because i understand that doesn't mean that i don't have any reservations about it .
she-so what do you want out of him?
me-i want him to value me.to take the responsibility once towards our relationship.to acknowledge that i am a human being,i have my wants and wishes.to pamper me,treat me like i am indispensable to him.
she-he is a caring and loving person.more than which he loves you.
me-i know he does.but i want a bit more.today if i give up and leave.he wont call me back,he is going to let me go and blame me that i am disloyal to him.and that is unfair.
she-can you imagine a life without him?
me-i cant.i still think he is my soul mate.or else i would not have been with him.but i cant sacrifice my life,my wants and wishes for him,no matter how much i love him.because i have done quite a bit already and now i am saturated.i have realized that life doesn't just strive on love.you need to nurture it and for which you need to be mature enough to respect the other person.
she-are you thinking of quitting?
me-maybe i am not too sure.i want to be absolutely sure before i do anything.relationship is a serious business.
she-i thought you are a fighter?how come u are even contemplating to quit?
me-i have fought endlessly for the last 3years to make this work and i am willing to do for the rest of my life,if only he is at the end of the tunnel and he keeps up his end of the bargain.a relationship needs nurturing from both consenting people.only one working for it wont make it work.if we are destined together then in life we will be.maybe we are made to apart but then reunite?who knows the future?i am an optimist,so i never quit hoping for the miracle and if it doesn't i ll rise from my ashes.what do you think i should do??
she-it is your life.i am not here to advice you.i am here to be there for you while you decide what you want.ultimately it is you who have to make a choice.think hard and then decide.what can be lost can be lost forever.sometimes,things once done cannot be done.be very careful for what you wish and decide.be aware for what will follow.and once you hear your heart and mind echoing your thoughts synchronizing each other,you know what you have to do.until then don't take a step.what you are saying now,is your mind speaking but your heart begs to differ,it can suffer but not live without the object of the overwhelming love.think before you act....
me-i know you are right..but....do you think i should hand on...........??

i turned around but she was nowhere to be seen..was it a figment of my imagination or my conscience??i guess i ll never know..

a gentle breeze ruffles my hair
bringing me back to reality
a rueful smile adorns my lips
as my eyes reveal the calm within

i allow the memories to drift back
as i travel back in time
to the first day we met
the firm shake and twinkling eye.

we walked matching steps
finishing sentences and
reading each others mind
and forging a bond,forever.

it has been years since the day
we have braved all odds
and conquered our fears,
and we are together still.

two loving hands created the castle of sand.molding it with utmost love and care, to make it a place of their own,dream after their hearts and the union of their soul and the symbol of their love.Eyes had met shyly,smile had reflected in each others lips.fingers touched and hesitantly brushed away.his hand tucks the loose strands away from her face as she lowers her eyes,blushing.promises were made to last a lifetime and undying love was professed.it was time to rejoice!then the sun reached its throne and reigned,the sea turtles and crabes came for a visit and were bravely encountered but the hands never moved,still guarding the sand castle.swollen and bitten,yet braving each wave,that threatened to wash away the dream,then the rain came pelting down yet they remained where they were, braving it all....

then one huge wave came threatening along..it had been ages since they were there..backs ached and the sun had been dethroned and it was time to let go...love had dimmed and it was getting dark.she tried to hold off the wave as he gave up and trampling the castle and went ahead,giving up.she did all she could to prevent her castle from being washed away and she did,but he had already ruined it all.the sun had set on love.there she sat in the after glow mourning for what was and never could be.soaked to the skin,tears fell uncontrolably blurring her vision sobs racked her body as it lay there limp out in the cold as wave after came anc washed her sand castle away, her perfect life falling apart.she knows nothing can make up for what she went through,she knows that now life would just be a charade without him,she is aware but she must do it.she must make an exit.for nothing will ever make up for what was before and no longer so.she knows she will be blamed so she has nothing to do but submit to to it willingly.her mind fragmenting just at the thought of walking away from the ruins of their dreams but she must for there is no other way.she knows if she does he wont be there to call her back,persuading her to stay,she knows the love for her will be replaced by hate and resentment but she must walk away with a leaden heart and mind gone astray,to preserve her sanity and the love that kindles her heart even now but she must leave.she walks ahead as he lets her go not knowing what he has lost untill its too late.his calls will never be answered,his cries will never be heard.yet somewhere the love will be nurtured and kept alive, even when the sand castle had fallen to fate