Stray Thoughts

As I key in my thoughts the Volvo speeds away towards Pune. This is one of those times when I am traveling alone and I am simply loving it. My co passenger is a sweet tempered lady, having traveled so much over a period of time I really value my co-passengers who are really easy to get along with. Having horrid co-passengers can be a pain when traveling long distances and I am not unknown to that. 

As a child, I had always been apprehensive of traveling alone, half scared, of what?I am still not aware of. But of late, the unknown does not scare me anymore. But it really makes me feel nice. My first trip alone was when I had traveled from Hyderabad to Mumbai during Diwali. The other time was when I was traveling from Bangalore to Hyderabad and now to Pune. Each time I have to travel, my thoughts strays. To me, these journeys from one city to another, is a metaphor for the journey of life. We have destinations that we have to reach, we have fears and pain to overcome, for life to go on.  These journeys give me enough time with myself, to actually analyze what I am thinking, to rearrange it all to fight life with renewed energies. To me these journeys are therapeutic. 

As I type thoughts come thick and fast, I'm reminded of the dream I had last night. I dreamt of her, Roshni, my niece. There she was curled up to me, her face buried in my neck, like always. She murmured something about being scared of telling me to protect her and me trying to draw her close to me… the next thing I know I am lying on the floor in a pool of blood, my hands desperately feeling my lower tummy, the mound was gone, and I could hear my niece crying copiously. I woke up drenched in sweat; tears streaming down my face, I could almost see Roshni’s face swimming in front of me. I don’t know what my dream meant. But it was the first time in the past one year I had thought of her. Somehow I had always thought I had surgically removed her from me, that her existence didn’t really resonate with my soul anymore.  But I had dared to think I had my life in my control. Life has a way to telling you that no matter how much you try, there will always be things that are way beyond your control. 

Enough of gloomy thoughts for now, have a wonderful weekend people! I'm off to my nearest relatives’ and to some ghar ka khana… hope you guys have fun! More from my end but later…Ciao!

I will be gone someday...

Just when you think you have figured me,

Know at that very moment you are

Farthest from the truth.

Fool you are to think

You can fathom the depths of my soul,

Words can give you an inkling of what is

The reality lies shrouded within.

Love that teaches you to selflessly give,

Love that makes you break down time and time again.

It also empowers you to rise again..

Love will make me stronger than ever

To someday walk away…

From you, from everything that was ours,

But will the pain end?

Lofty thoughts can just make life seem bearable

But truth is what is never to be

Is there for a cause

And to serve the cause is what I intend!

The day the heart gives up

Know that, I will be gone

Yes I will be gone, someday

Without a trace

And I will usurp you of me!

None of my writings will remain

Nothing to link you to me

But memories.. but they too will be gone

Just like I will someday

And that day you will think

You know not who I have been

And you will be farthest from the truth

And the truth will always elude you.
I will be gone someday.

 Gone without a trace

Somewhere, where you will never find me...

Yes I will be gone someday

And you will never know the real me,
Or the love that i harbor within...

The Final Bus Ride

I stood at the bus stop waiting for ST6 like i have been doing for the past three years..it was the same bus stop that i stood waiting for, in loathsome anticipation of a crowded and a harrowing journey to Kalikapur. in all these years nothing had changed... not the horrible journey where i never ever got a place to sit..being squeezed in the unholiest way in order to get off the bus to my destination...it was the same black gate that i pushed to walk through the campus to reach the lift.. the same confusion regarding the floor i need to get off..the same silly tic tack toe method to guess the number and pushing the button to signal the lift to proceed.. except this was for the last time...

Nostalgic yea and greatly saddened too.. i walked with a heavy heart to my students place to whom i was teaching for one last time... it felt pretty ironic to me. 3 years back when i first rang the bell i felt i would not even last a month, having to travel so far. but in the next 3 years everything changed... my student was all of 10 then became a friend and more so a kid sister for whom i took over from a teacher and became a virtual nanny..from shopping expeditions to visit the book fair... the bond became more than just professional. and 3 years hence it felt eerie to walk away from everything that once was an integral part of my life. initially though it had been an opportunity to keep myself engaged and to earn the an extra buck.but it soon became much more than that. the love and respect i received is far more precious to me than the amount of money i earned. and i am thankful and grateful for that.

It really was an end of an era for me. leaving Barshali's tuition has been really tough because there has been several times in the past where i had contemplated leaving her due to so many issues, be it time crunch or the dreadful journey to and fro but i never made it, but now when i was happily settled it was time to say goodbye.

like Linkin Park says [thanks Leo for sharing this]

Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple Sometimes good bye's the only way ....

Now i have to go back to those early days of college where i would depend on pocket money from dad for maintenance... and i would always have to bid goodbye to the last 2 years where i had independently brought myself up...i took care of my smallest needs from cellphone recharge, to college fees, from shopping to binging.. from buying gifts to stationary i have done it all.. and i was really proud of it... but here comes a time when i will have to be dependant on another person for survival.. and its a thing which has mixed reactions from me.... :P

Its time to say Goodbye

Tears blur my vision as i type this. i cant believe he has gone without me even getting a chance to say my goodbyes. it seemed that fate was conspiring against us, first the phone wouldn't connect, when it did he was busy, then i was supposed to call him back but then it slipped my mind, when i called the call got disconnected even before i had a chance to say goodbye. Shubankar left for MASSCOM Kottatayam today to pursue his childhood dream in Journalism, without a so much as a goodbye.

i waited...waited a long time...for this pain to subside...the pain that threatens to tear me apart..my lips are pursed but the tears are tireless...i don't know what next everything gets all the more murkier...i cant believe i wont have him around anymore..he has been so integral to me and to my life.. it was as if he was always around protecting me.. guiding me around and now with him gone.. i feel as if the life is squeezed out of me..soon it will be time when i will have to say my goodbyes too..

i know with time i will get used to him not being around... i know there will come a day when not keeping in touch on a regular basis will seem usual but at the moment life seems impossible..for as i write the train takes him further away from me.. i know Richa says friends can never part unless they want to.. but then there are times when things are not in our hands.. like even after wanting to meet him real bad we both haven't managed to meet each other in more than a month...all i remember now is seeing him for the very last time a little over a month back, as i got off the bus and him waving at me promising to meet... it never happened... maybe all this is for good, for had i known it was our last meeting it would have been even more painful.

now as i think back to us i am filled with gratefulness of having met such a beautiful person who became one of my closest friend...memories flood in and i am reminded of how despite being in a huge crowd on the first day at college we managed to sneak out time together..how that day waiting to take our electives i told him about Samik.. he was the first one to know about him...how those winter afternoons we would sit huddled under the blanket studying... the winter sun playing on our toes as we sat on the ledge of the veranda as our toes touching each other...how i will miss his deep baritone voice calling out to me every morning "Man you are looking hot!" those endless hours at the library where in between study sessions we managed ample time to just irritate each other like crazy...

i don't know what future holds.. maybe we will again sometime...maybe despite wanting we will never make it... but what matters is we will always have each other in our hearts knowing what others could never know...that there is a love much greater than that which is shared by a man and woman, a love that is defined by a powerful and meaningful word called friendship. What matters now is that both of ours dreams of becoming journalist is coming true in one way or other and we must work hard to achieve it..i know it wont be easy to not be around but we will always remain safe in each others memories until we meet again... and we will... someday..

Yahoo

Have you ever loved someone knowing you will lose him?

I don't know if this will ever make sense to you, whether you will understand the gravity of what i am writing, but to me it means a lot.

Yahoo came to our house on a two day visit. He is my dad's friends pup. he is barely a month old. He was our guest for two days until he was to be taken away. knowing all we welcomed him into our heart and our lives. Repercussions of what will happen when he leaves never once entered our minds, we loved him as our own and we received him into our lives willingly. two days passed in a blink of an eye... its been around19 hours since he left... his presence is still missed... his small pranks... his running around everywhere... his sniffing and then chewing the legs of the chairs.. his bed remains untouched..rumpled as he has left it...

We miss you Yahoo.. you came for a few days and left an imprint on our mind for years to come. i know i will never have a pup at my place but the fact that you came and fulfilled my childhood dream, means much... i so hope you have a fulfilling life ahead with your new masters and new life.. while i will always treasure these borrowed moments...

Echoes...

When the heart is raped, repeatedly

Not a wound or drop of tear 

Bear witness.

When disillusionment comes about,

All that is left, is a dream

That has died several deaths 

Emosonal Attyachar

What would most of us have done if Anurag Kashyap had'nt made the movie Dev.D? we would have lost of out on a nice catch line to express the emotional torture we have to bear, but of course in a semi desi way. OK that was the worse Pj of the century. but honestly, i know the term "emosonal attyachar" is now almost a cliche but then it is an apt expression to the hell I've been going through of late.

My college ends on 21st of April then i have 2 weeks of study leave, during which and after which i have not only my semesters [graduation exams] but also entrance exams to various colleges. As if having Tamil again after 3 semesters [i have forgotten almost all of what i had learnt previously] in our course was difficult to cope up with, we have study pressure to maintain our grades and GPA, and SGPA [don't you dare ask me the full forms.. okay i don't know myself! :X] and the entrances. the least thing i need is people emotionally blackmailing me and instead of encouraging me they discourage me and add to tension and fear i already have regarding my performance.

Everyone i know offers me free advice and career counselling... you know na that ghisa pitta dialogue.. akeli ladki khuli hue tijori ki tarah hai and all that jazz??!! its the same old thing.. why don't you pursue your PG here? what will you do anyway.. all you need is a masters degree in your kitty for that why do you have to waste so much money studying out of the city etc etc. Yes i know studying outside the city wont be a piece of cake, i know i have a lot of emotional baggage myself, for i just cant stay away from anything or anyone familiar, least of all without my niece or samik but if I'm willing to battle it out, because this is the last chance i will ever get to study what i want and to pursue my dream career and should'nt my loved ones try and encourage me at least? but no! they can just sit back and pass their judgements.. come on losers get a life!! I'm not born to stay in my well and turn out to be a typical housewife. be careful for what you wish for.. if i ever have to stay back, then trust me, i will suck so bad at the things you expect out of me, that you will wish you never wished me to stay in the first place. so look out!! or better still wish me luck and let me go...

Uncle. sister, niece, relatives and friends..all are the perpetrators of the torture im going through.. and the list could go on but what's really tough is to explain to my mother, its frustrating and irritating, not because of the generation gap but because despite being a woman herself she refuses to see things that a woman goes through. a woman's life is not limitless like the sky, and specially one who is committed. she does not have the liberties as much as a guy can enjoy, so if she must fulfill her dreams and ambitions she must do it before she is tied down in life and before the time runs out, because her options are lesser as compared to men. Is it so difficult for people who are near and dear to me, to let me go, for my happiness and betterment? all i ask is 2-3 years after which i know i will be tied down with responsibilities, till then, spare me the emosanal attyachar and wish me luck, because i know i deserve better than the hogwash i have been served lately.hmmph!!

Pain penetrates me,
drop, by drop.
-Sappho

Knock Knock!!

Hey you there??

Are you listening?!

God!! Hello..............

Uff!! really!! this is height!

Really where the hell are you?

What? busy? yet again?

Can't you spare a moment for me?

here now see... you can find time if you want to,

now don't play a spoil port... yea, i know you are there, listening...

Yes, yes, I'm here to crib again and to say sorry.for what?well remember the last time i reached out to you? well I'm sorry. i didn't know what i was saying then. if i thought i was having a bad time then, then now,is the worst of the lot. now if you heard what had i had said the last time, you should have acted on it.but there, but i guess your government in heaven are malfunctioning again because my plight hasn't been fixed yet! yes yes you heard it right. it hasn't! do wake up! enough now! I'm tired and extremely angry. you don't want me to silly childish stuff... now do you?Na i guess not.so speed up your delivery and respite systems and clear my hurdles. its really high time now!see it wont be really good if i get down to business you see, can get ugly. so id rather try the good way. but if you are hell bent on throwing one hurdle after another, and that too at people like me,really there are major cause for concern. so if you really want to be in my good books, flex your muscles, try some tricks and get things done. then na people will say..ailaah! Bhagwaan kya cheez hai re..uske ghar mein der hai par andher nahi [there may be delays but never denials]chal chal enough of nautanki..get to business and resolve my problems... or else...

College is nearly over!

College these days seem so different. it amazes me to even think that this is the same place i used to hang out for hours altogether, the same people i used to have so much fun. other than khyati everyone has changed, she continues to remain her same old bubbly self always ready for some action, others are like least bothered about anything around them.

Yesterday Shreya came into class and announced that she got through MAT and will move to Bangalore in July. Rohit got through SOAS. most sat for SNAP, one got in others didn't. everyone is busy keeping updated about admission news, which form is out which is not. there is a certain lull in all the actvity. it really seems all of us are finally gearing up to take life ahead from where college will end. so it that good or bad? good in a sense because im sure happy for everyone who has life almost etched out in front of them and not so bad in the other, because a sense of deja vu gripps me.

I dont know how the last three years just whisked by. most of the time i was so engulfed in pain and misery that i must have missed out on a lot of fun. but no regrets.its just seeing the last few months of college thus slipping by, almost like a handful of sand. it makes me feel a wide array of things, fears and apprehensions for my future, nostalgic about what is today and what wont be..cautious and edgy about the people who feautre in my college memories, varing a few all are pretty worthless. so where does that leave me? i dont know... maybe hoping that i can make it to the places im aiming for and praying that i dont have to stay back here...after all for a girl sky is not all that limitless.

This year that was

The night before a New Year dawns is something very sentimental and teary to me, I don’t know why, maybe after yet another year of struggle there are apprehensions and hopes of just how the next year would turn out to be.

This year when first woke up, something in the air told me ‘this would be my year’. With the year almost coming to an end I know otherwise. Contrary to what I had hoped this year like others was a roller coaster. Nothing went ‘my’ way and it actually went where I didn’t want it to go. 4th semester results were bad and all because I refused to give my all to Tamil, a compulsory paper in our syllabus. Other cheated and studied and sneaked their way past a surprising good result for the first time, and I was there shocked at my results and to see my hard work go to waste, it was a huge setback but then somehow I battled it out. Slowly I retreated into my shell and stove to work harder.

The best that happened to me was my Vizaq trip that I went with my college. I didn’t have friends, people I had purposely severed from myself. There was this one time friend of mine who was there in the group and I was even apprehensive to go for the trip. Agreeing to the trip was the wisest thing I did. During the trip my friend and I finally buried the hatchet and talked out our differences. Amidst tears of regret and pain of longing for a year of separation my best friend from college and I were back to being the good friends that we once were and this time we swore that we would learn from our mistakes. We have braved a few hurdles now and then and we seem to be doing fine. [Touchwood] otherwise too the trip enabled me to visit a very beautiful place, somewhere I found the inner peace I had been looking for. The waves breaking on the beach of Vizaq calmed the inner turmoil I was battling then. And the break was refreshing.

I lost a great friend whom I had patched up with, after finding out ‘its’ true colors. Regrets? Yeah a little maybe. A beautiful thing that I created I saw wilting before me, it was one of the most jarring effects in my life and led me to contemplate a lot of things in life. I found a beautiful angel on blogger; Harshi; and finding her was a revelation; she helped me evolve over the time and made me a better person. Richa is like an addiction now, I cant pass a day without talking to her. Divs too was a great friend to have and I sincerely hope she hasn’t left us and she comes back soon. PJ has now become like this cute little sister to me, and is quite precious, then there is my newest friend Anwesa whom I’m getting to know and with the looks of it, we are about to hit it off real well. So blog world was an ultimate retreat and a source of pleasure.

My personal life is nothing worth talking about, for it wasn’t really bright but with the optimism that Harshi instilled in me I think I could make the best of a rotten situation. I found courage to fight back despair and let hope reign and I hope things work out on personal front, for carrying on this charade can be quite a burden.

So predictions for the next year? To be honest, I think next year will be more rotten than this year, I foresee a dip in finances, and loads of difficulties and disappointments coming my way. But now I’m somewhat prepared to deal with whatever comes my way. I know its worth all the pain because at the end of it I learn something. I can try my best rest is up to what is planned for me.

I hope you guys had a great year and here’s hoping that the New Year brings you prosperity, happiness and many things more.

Stay happy and keep smiling

Love Phoenix

Terror Terror Everywhere!!

Its in news everywhere! live coverage, vedio clippings and more and more updates, its all over the news, the Mumbai massacre is there everywhere. with 101 killed till now and 287 injured... and 16 policemen dead, the government is out with condemnation and compensation. what is astonishing is, how could a Lashkar-e-toiba brand of terrorists travel through the Arabian sea and get off at the gateway of India without surveillances or any patrolling by the Indian navy? not just that how could these terrorists all in their early 20's gain access and entry into 3 big hotels of Mumbai- the Trident, Taj and the Nariman Bhavan?

While the operations are still on. and hostages are rescued; the government should sit down and discuss security issues instead of election campaign. are we a soft target then? only when there is a terror do we wake up and talk about nationalist feeling? Hasn't the government officials heard of prevention being better than cure??

What really really pissed me off was, in a far away city like Kolkata, the police woke up to tighten the security only after such incidents. shouldn't we have surveillance all the time and isn't security a thing that should be on 24*7 ? this is the case everywhere, we wait till terror strikes instead of being prepared of such a thing to happen.

Damn the government that boasts of being for the people, by the people and of the people; yet it fails to deliver to the citizens that vote them into power. if we behave like sheep it is bound that others will behave like tyrants. we have no infrastructure and no basic amenities to combat such grave issues like terrorism, we need to come up with a back up plan instead of just sitting back and watching on helpless.

My condolences are with the dead.May peace be with them.
Here's wishing all those injured a speedy recovery.
A big salute to those jawans and policemen who are at their job relentlessly trying to overcome these bloodthirsty leeches who are wasted on this planet earth.

May relief soon be close at hand.
God Speed.

PHEW!

What with the story now over, there is a sense of relief though i admit i feel a void there in me. The last few days i have been obsessing about the characters, what can they be saying in a particular situation, what can bring them together and not. These thoughts have occupied every free waking hour and even sometimes during sleep. yes i was like Geet [Kareena Kapoor in Jab We Met] mumbling away to myself even in sleep. but its nice that the story ended, and ended with a new beginning.

To all those who hasn't already figured it out. yes it was somewhat autobiographical. i would like to clarify, though i know i need not. i cant write on things that i cannot connect to, there is always a part of me, literally; in whatever i write. and this story came at a time when i was going through a tough phase of my life. i wrote this story the way i would have liked mine to end. and i am not ashamed about it.

No matter just how practical or logical i maybe, i am a sucker for romance. i admit again, for those of you who don't know. i am a simple person who cant write any differently, using heavy words or think of unheard plots or tread untrodden path. i am me. and for all those who are disappointed in me. well what can i say! sometimes i just wish i could remain just anonymous and write because i love to and not to win acclaim. sometimes i just wish people who knew me would just let me be me in this place, which to me is my retreat!

Enough of sad and serious stuff which must have driven most of my friends from my blog. and now for something spicy... i'm looking for a companion [read:friend]. good looks doesnt apply, he cant be saroo like buzz who is cold and doesnt reciprocate my feelings [just kidding!]if he is harshita's male counter part nothing more like it! :P but otherwise he has to be sensitive, sensible,warm,and extremely forthright! anyone can apply, you can refer your friends too... so rush your entries now!!! offer valid till i change me mind! so hurry!!

Hello?God?

Can you please stop being busy and spare me a moment??? lots been happening and i think i have been rather patient. can you please hurry up? so that i can have my turn too. look i've tried to deal with my problems but now i think i need some divine intervention, you think you can help? give me a call back when free, i ll be looking forward to it.

love,
your very patient friend
R

Back!

i just came back today morning from our excursion from vizzaq, arraku valley and rishikonda. im too overwhelmed to write coherently. Loads happened and all good things details will come later. our train reached kolkata at about 4.30 in the morning andwe all disembarked with a heavy heart. it felt weird coming back from what seemed like paradise. its been long since we have rested and tiredness have left our sore limbs, sleep has been caught up with but nostalgia grips us painfully and the sms's and calls haven’t yet stopped from pouring in.it all says the same thing; how much we enjoyed ourselves and just how much we are all gonna miss this trip. thanks a ton to Arindam and Shubhankar for arranging this trip and making the dream come true! now that it is all over i long for the beaches and the one place that gave me what i had always longed for!im truly blessed! these are the pics i had promised.this is my orkut profile link..there are some 100 odd pictures that i have been able to upload, do let me know how you find it and the travellogue will soon follow in the next post!enjoy!
enjoying our first view of the ocean

at the naval base at vizaq

vizaq as viewed from shimachalam

in shimachalam

on our way to shimachalam

sharing the excitement of being together for the first time,away from home.

huddled together for the journey that lay ahead of us

two loving hands created the castle of sand.molding it with utmost love and care, to make it a place of their own,dream after their hearts and the union of their soul and the symbol of their love.Eyes had met shyly,smile had reflected in each others lips.fingers touched and hesitantly brushed away.his hand tucks the loose strands away from her face as she lowers her eyes,blushing.promises were made to last a lifetime and undying love was professed.it was time to rejoice!then the sun reached its throne and reigned,the sea turtles and crabes came for a visit and were bravely encountered but the hands never moved,still guarding the sand castle.swollen and bitten,yet braving each wave,that threatened to wash away the dream,then the rain came pelting down yet they remained where they were, braving it all....

then one huge wave came threatening along..it had been ages since they were there..backs ached and the sun had been dethroned and it was time to let go...love had dimmed and it was getting dark.she tried to hold off the wave as he gave up and trampling the castle and went ahead,giving up.she did all she could to prevent her castle from being washed away and she did,but he had already ruined it all.the sun had set on love.there she sat in the after glow mourning for what was and never could be.soaked to the skin,tears fell uncontrolably blurring her vision sobs racked her body as it lay there limp out in the cold as wave after came anc washed her sand castle away, her perfect life falling apart.she knows nothing can make up for what she went through,she knows that now life would just be a charade without him,she is aware but she must do it.she must make an exit.for nothing will ever make up for what was before and no longer so.she knows she will be blamed so she has nothing to do but submit to to it willingly.her mind fragmenting just at the thought of walking away from the ruins of their dreams but she must for there is no other way.she knows if she does he wont be there to call her back,persuading her to stay,she knows the love for her will be replaced by hate and resentment but she must walk away with a leaden heart and mind gone astray,to preserve her sanity and the love that kindles her heart even now but she must leave.she walks ahead as he lets her go not knowing what he has lost untill its too late.his calls will never be answered,his cries will never be heard.yet somewhere the love will be nurtured and kept alive, even when the sand castle had fallen to fate

Misty Thoughts

The weather is nice and chilly.its almost cyclonic,as the curtains are romancing the window panes and the doors banging to add to the merriment.there i sat doing what i love best on such a nice rainy day;yes,legs curled beneath me wearing a nice worn out jacket and penning my thoughts down while sipping some comforting tea.

Since it is an ideal romantic weather i tell myself,it would be so nice to snuggle up with samik and read a good book or have a nice discussion about home,family or maybe cricket.naaah!thats not possible,being a Sunday we are to meet but then due to the rains maybe we wont and that threatened to play spoil sport but then having a conversation with "Mr fart man"[he doesn't fart,maybe he does i'm not sure,he got that name on a different context :P] was as entertaining as ever. we talk about life,blogging, cricket and everything else on planet.i don't know much about him.all i know and care to know is, he is a nice and kind man and that is enough to know about my one time 'blogger' friend.we keep having these Hum-Tum like fights and though at times annoying it is actually fun!

Past month or so i have been reading so many fellow bloggers who write about their pain and anguish about soured relationships.they have cried,poured theirs hearts out and vented their anger and suffering.reading them had brought back sour memories,memories that i don't even want to acknowledge.it has bothered me because when i was once in the same boat i knew what it had felt then and for the person towards whom all this is directed is simply not worth it.they have all realized it sooner or later and the process even though gradual was towards healing.what bothered me most or rather made me guilty at times was the fact,that these people were at their low whereas i was perceived as "little miss sunshine".as if i have never known grief and pain.which is not at all so.hurt and pain are immeasurable emotions,you just cant sit back and say "you will never know what i went through,my hurt is more than yours". we all feel the same hurt,our hurts lurch the same way but just that the reasons or the basis of it all is different.i see my blogger friends deciding to quit,toying with the idea or some like Mr Fart Man have already done it.why??well their ex stalking them,writers block,fear of being baring their thoughts and soul.what happens to those who have gotten attached them.when the blogger decides to leave??some will say oh!but they are virtual friends,blogger is hardly the place to make friends but i beg to differ.

One fine day you cant just wake up and say i feel like quitting and you just go ahead and do it.i feel like yelling at them......COWARDS!!you could face betrayal and anguish yet you quit doing the thing that gave you solace and peace, that gave you friends,who accepted whatever you had to offer.you quit never to look back denying all those who by then have become attached to you,your life who feel when you are hurt, who want to but are unable to reach out to stabilize you when you falter.how can you deny people yourself when they want and value you,when others never did??

I realize that this is an outburst resulted from my attachment to the writings of other bloggers and the feeling of helplessness to see people whom you had once seen falter,come heal themselves or quit and move on.it hurts when a bolt of the blue makes you realize that while you weren't looking you became attached to someone or something that you never planned to or even dreamt of.i maybe wrong but it hurts damn bad to see people succumb to their humanly failings or whims at that time and not fight the demons in their hearts and mind and hang on for those whom they don't know, yet they who value him/her for who they are and whatever they stand for.

Pending Birthday Blues!

There has been this silly fantasy in my head since as long as i can remember,dates way back in my childhood.It used to make life a lot better just seeing life that when i was a kid and I still resort to it sometimes.I used to pretend that i am narrating the stories of my life to a friend and what i am going through in life is a mere narration which may seem quite intense then but in actuality its a thing of the past. And now on the threshold on 2o i am still naive enough to cling onto this childhood fantasy for my dear life.

In a few more days i will turn 20 and its really hard to believe that i am finally turning "20",because when i analyze myself,a feeling of sheer adulthood strikes me.It was just a year back I was still in school.20 signifies a whole new world now.it means the silly,goofing around is now practically over and a little maturity is now called for,thankfully the process is in motion now.My birthday had always brought a wealth of pain.I have been the unhappiest on my birthday.lost old friends,with close ones forgetting it or me always falling i ll just before the day.But i would be lying if i say i don't look forward to it,i do but with a lot of apprehension.I hope this birthday too,I don't have to cry myself to sleep as always.I so long for a puppy,my ideal birthday gift.That is the one thing i miss in life,but i am also aware that i will never ever get one of my own! :( that is something i have to take in my stride like everything else.

Gawd!turning twenty makes me feel so important.there are loads of things that i had ear-marked to do before i turned twenty;like keeping long hair [which is in progress,earlier i used to have short cropped hair] ,to have a bank balance which i have and be more feminine which well..erm.. i'm trying...A lot of pressures will soon start building up as it is my mashis and kakimas [aunts]are dropping subtle hints,trying to kajol me into confiding in them if i have found someone appropriate to marry and settle down or even if i secretly admire someone.sheesh!!marriage is last thing on my mind.i cant see myself as a shy and demure bride.i' having nightmares about it!thankfully my parents are in no hurry to marry me off,though i admit mom keeps harping this new tune "you' ll leave home in a few years..will have to start planning!""mom get a life!"is all that i can say before blowing the top over.things are bubbling..god knows when they'll burst out and when it does it will be time to face some questions!boy growing up can have a downside too!lord save me,i'd rather be a child than grow up if it means so handling much pressure and responsibilities.

P.S-Tuned in to-I'm not a girl not yet a woman by Britney Spears.

they came,they conquered and they went away

yesterday was feeling blue all of a sudden without any reason...and soon i was drowned in nostalgia...memories came thick and fast...somehow i have always loved autumn and spring..the change of seasons..the smell in the air...dry leaves and cool breeze...brought back memories of my childhood days...those games of cricket...cycle rides and hopscotch...old friends.......

thinking of old friends who came who conquered and went by...forgetting everything...made my heart wince with pain...it hurts to know and realise that people who once meant and still do mean a lot...to them you are but a memory and in some cases even not that...its amazing to look back to the past and relive the happy moments with best friends who later get lost in time somehow.....

for a change i let myself feel and purge myself of the feeling i was bottling within me...for once i wasn't being hard on me by being too saintly or sacrificing....i finally realised how much hurt and pain i had buried deep withing me in a veil of doing the "right" thing...friends who utilised me and then disappeared without a trace....Neharika-was my closest pal in my childhood,we have had some amazing times together...shared our crushes,had those secret talks...those walks in the lakes and cooking together....i have been there when she needed a person to share her hurt and pain but she never looked back....Vartika her sis..was my alter ego....though she is 3 yrs younger,she is at par with me...those animated talks,cycling on bandh days or playing cricket,sleepovers and picnics....but now they have moved to a new neighbourhood and so i am no longer a part of their family...so much was the animosity [i wonder of what or why?] that they didn't even tell me until the day they left....times have changed but my feelings haven't...they are the same as they were for each one just as it has been for Anushri.....a year senior to me..she used to be my friend,confidante and guidee...but she too vanished into thin air......then came more friends....Puneet,Adrija and too an extent Somasree...lets leave aside people whom i thought as close friends but actualy not so,from here,that's a new chapter...... just thinking of these friends i was seething with anger for the first time....

i wondered why such things happened...people about whom you care a lot and they move on and forget you and you??are left behind longing for them...wishing that even if for once they would turn back and remember you and value you for who you are and what you were once to them...but all in vain...truly said by this special friend of mine..."this is a pert of growing up"...probably it is....but what happens to people like us who care for others even when their friends move along..forgetting their old friends??

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Yet another bandh....but a holiday is always welcome.specially since last six months have been really hectic....what with college,internals,teaching a pest and then semester exams...sigh!i hardly got time to be with me...to think..or to sort out certain issues that were playing in my mind for quite some time now....newspapers lie in a stack...CD's scattered here and there...and of late books have been piling on my nightstand....last night i made my self a routine for today....i thought of pampering myself by sleeping in late and not waking up as early as i usually do...and till now everything is going the way i had planned......i finished reading the newspapers...cleaned up my room...and now i am sitting near the window soaking up the afternoon sun i let my thoughts take flight....
the phone hasn't buzzed since the morning..for some that maybe of some relief but not for me....i was expecting a call....i kept checking my cell from time to time...nope not a call not even a missed call.....has he forgotten me??the thought comes to my mind but i dismiss it.we had a tiff last night.so he must have misunderstood me when i announced that i wanted to hang up so abruptly.but what could i do?i was getting hurt that he wasn't understanding me or my actions.he complains that i never reach out for anything but instead i turn to my friends for help...little did he realise that he is always occupied with his assignments,or his semester exams or his family problems,that i felt highly guilty to approach him for help.i have many a times but he has very politely turned me down...is it wrong for me to turn to my friends for help if he is not around to bail me out?
instead of talking things out he thought it would be better to teach me a lesson by backtracking fro accompanying me to my school play...something that i was looking forward to,knowing well how much going back to school meant to me....hurt and angry i don't know what is it that i should do now...what pains me more is his total ignorance of my suffering and leading a normal life wallowing in self pity...he has to relocate in all probability and this is affecting both him and me..but instead of taking it in his stride he chooses to indulge in it.who is going to make him understand that i am going through the very same agony and instead of sharing our troubles,strengthening each other with the bonds of love,he is using me as a punching bag.......
hope this one of the trials of time and goes by soon....and the sun comes our shining bright after a rainy day..