Only Memories

How does it feel to be back home after months altogether for not a couple of days, or a rushed stay but for a nice long stretch? relaxation? pure bliss? hell no!! its utter torture!! :) yes yes you heard it right and you can smile a little!

Life has been a roller coaster with it suddenly falling apart like a pack of cards, a brave front and the sheer will to go on kept me going. Suddenly I realized that there is nothing in me anymore that was scared at things not working out, that would be apprehensive of new things, that would be sad for leaving behind people, friends and everything that seemed so near and dear to me. Suddenly it was all gone, as i sat there on the flight with every thing that belonged to me with me, I looked out to the city that is second home to me (and will always be) i felt tears prick me, it was then that apprehensions came in, it was then the heart was ready to give up at the thought i was leaving behind a set life, but what kinda killed me for once i was guilty of leaving behind one person who probably loves me the most in the whole wide world, Someone who has let me down over time, someone who has never been there for me but has loved me madly and deeply. I knew there was no turning back, I had taken a step forward and there is no turning back...

Initial few days in Delhi was awful ( more on that in my next post. O yea there is gonna be other posts and I wont disappear) all i did was cry my eyes out. I didnt like anything nor the people, nor the culture and surely not the place other than the Metro (which is like superb). Securing a job entailed that I plan a trip back home ASAP. And here I am back home, for almost a week now, bored to death, ready to go back, wherever but not here. I'm sorry if it sounds like I hate home. Nope, i dont but overdose of home.. kinda gets to me. The auntys and uncles, the mashi's and meshos, the kakus and kakimas, the relatives calling for you 24*7, meeting with the entire clan, mom yelling at you to get off the phone; kinda gets to you trust me. And to top it off, people freaking you out with talks of marriage!! could it be worse??? yes it could, if you had a distant relative all of 12 years old, following you everywhere, even to the loo, who stares at you while you are asleep, because she wants to see how you look when asleep!!! Nope and my cribbing does not end here... with the mercury rising, the humidity at its all time high and no sign of rains, I had to go shopping to stock up for the next 6 months and trust me it can be taxing.. home for 4 days is ideal... then it becomes one big fat family overdose!! 

Amidst all these i came across a carton full of memories..journals, photographs,letters, scribblings, chocolate wrappers,bus tickets.. memories since the beginning of time.. somewhere i was lost..lost in a forgotten time...a time which slipped through my fingers.. a time which may have been reduced to being just memory but a time which has never lost its splendor.. to be honest sometimes when I see smiling faces of young lovers, of couples celebrating their youthful courtship... it feels as if a knife is twisting in my gut.. I'm reminded that in a months time it would have been 7 long years of togetherness..but not anymore... Sometimes I look back and wonder.. what if I could turn back time...and i am in two minds... You cant have everything in life.. there will always be an either and or situation.. and that choice we have to make no matter how difficult it is...

Life has spun out of control.. way beyond anything I had ever imagined... what was a fairytale is showing its fangs now.. it stings, it kills me some more each day.. its like you see the life you have nurtured with your entire being, fall slowly but surely. It hurts like hell.. in midst of all this mess called life i am discovering the monster that i am.. and the realities of my existence...its an uphill task... will need some getting used to... nothing that is impossible!! :)

Anyway enough of gloomy thoughts on my comeback post... next one is gonna be a Delhi bashing post.. sorry cant help it.. wrote it when i absolutely hated Delhi and i was just new to the city..but couldn't post it!! Hope you are doing fine? Btw i think i have gained some 10kilos since being home.. with all that ghar ka khana and all!! And Oh ya... i will get back to reading and commenting in a few hours time... hope you haven't forgotten me??!! :)

Updates

I have been a moron and i apologize.

i have been here in Bangalore for two months now. and the passion that i had always harboured for blogging has somehow been buried under stress and fatigue of life. i realized soon enough that i started belonging to the group of people i always critiqued saying blogging is like breathing how can you not do it. i have felt guilty for not being there for people who were a major part of my social life once, i have never managed to make time for all those who have understood me wordlessly, and there was this one person i have neglected just because i had found myself in unknown territory ; my bloggie. i sincerely apologize for not reading, commenting or even bothering to write. i wont make tall promises here but i will try my best to post 1 post a week even if it is just to say hi and hello... because blogging still means much to me.....



For all those who didn't already know... i turned 22 on the 6Th of September this year and it was one of the best birthdays of my life [ i know i say it every year but every year is better than the last year now what can i do? :P] what was best was, this is my first birthday away from home and family so it was bound to be lonely and upsetting, my blogger friends, Anwesa, Nikhil, Vinu, and Harshita made it so much special by wishing my on their blogs or calling me up and also Samik, who came down to Bangalore for a week just to be with me on my birthday. it was one helluva reason to pass all those gloomy days when i was terribly homesick and i just couldn't cope up with the pressures of college. each day id wake up to check the date and strike off just one more day. it was one helluva week, it all went so quickly that i felt i was in a daze.

here i was apprehensive of traveling to unknown locations in and around Bangalore; but for Samik i traveled from one end of the city traveling some 90 miles to just meet him. that week i hardly slept, with assignments due and deadlines and what with finishing work in record time one has ever even imagined i was finding ways to escape from college just to meet him.from frequent hot spots in Bangalore, from mall hopping to dining in restaurants, from shopping to gifting things to each other. it was one week to remember. i don't remember smiling or feeling this happy in a while. it goes without saying that i was extremely grateful that Samik could actually make it and took the effort to accommodate my inabilities to be there for him due to intense work pressures... needless to say there has been pictures galore... and they are all up on orkut and facebook and on picassa too. if you are interested to view the pics click here

The day he left, i remember standing on the road in majestic seeing his Volvo moving away from me with each second and there i was crying unabashedly. i cant believe how time flies. i cant believe how much i have grown in the past few months. I'm doing all the things i thought id never be able to do. i guess with time we all learn and we all outgrow the preconceived notions we have had in life.life teaches one to survive tough times.

Its time to say Goodbye

Tears blur my vision as i type this. i cant believe he has gone without me even getting a chance to say my goodbyes. it seemed that fate was conspiring against us, first the phone wouldn't connect, when it did he was busy, then i was supposed to call him back but then it slipped my mind, when i called the call got disconnected even before i had a chance to say goodbye. Shubankar left for MASSCOM Kottatayam today to pursue his childhood dream in Journalism, without a so much as a goodbye.

i waited...waited a long time...for this pain to subside...the pain that threatens to tear me apart..my lips are pursed but the tears are tireless...i don't know what next everything gets all the more murkier...i cant believe i wont have him around anymore..he has been so integral to me and to my life.. it was as if he was always around protecting me.. guiding me around and now with him gone.. i feel as if the life is squeezed out of me..soon it will be time when i will have to say my goodbyes too..

i know with time i will get used to him not being around... i know there will come a day when not keeping in touch on a regular basis will seem usual but at the moment life seems impossible..for as i write the train takes him further away from me.. i know Richa says friends can never part unless they want to.. but then there are times when things are not in our hands.. like even after wanting to meet him real bad we both haven't managed to meet each other in more than a month...all i remember now is seeing him for the very last time a little over a month back, as i got off the bus and him waving at me promising to meet... it never happened... maybe all this is for good, for had i known it was our last meeting it would have been even more painful.

now as i think back to us i am filled with gratefulness of having met such a beautiful person who became one of my closest friend...memories flood in and i am reminded of how despite being in a huge crowd on the first day at college we managed to sneak out time together..how that day waiting to take our electives i told him about Samik.. he was the first one to know about him...how those winter afternoons we would sit huddled under the blanket studying... the winter sun playing on our toes as we sat on the ledge of the veranda as our toes touching each other...how i will miss his deep baritone voice calling out to me every morning "Man you are looking hot!" those endless hours at the library where in between study sessions we managed ample time to just irritate each other like crazy...

i don't know what future holds.. maybe we will again sometime...maybe despite wanting we will never make it... but what matters is we will always have each other in our hearts knowing what others could never know...that there is a love much greater than that which is shared by a man and woman, a love that is defined by a powerful and meaningful word called friendship. What matters now is that both of ours dreams of becoming journalist is coming true in one way or other and we must work hard to achieve it..i know it wont be easy to not be around but we will always remain safe in each others memories until we meet again... and we will... someday..

501. R.e.m.i.n.i.s.c.e.n.c.e

They say that you don't make good friends in the virtual world.And we,the current generation is very much ridiculed by our predecessors for the extreme thin line precision at which almost all of our relationships go.I would however differ in this regard.Even though most relationships thrive on a very thin line,unfortunately,some do get above all those notions paving way for ultimate bliss....

And the one I share with the author (Raka/Phoenix) is one such.... :) Ultimate bliss....!!!!!!

I first come across her blog in the last quarter of 2008 and something which attracted me the most right away,was the fact that Raka was supremely modest and frank on all that she had been writing about.And my observation is very well reiterated by the many number of readers who flock around here...That is also because the blog readers have also evolved wonderfully well..Gone are those days,when people used to run behind a touch of flamboyance or gossip or sweet talk.

Plain incidents of one's life serve as a stepping stone in defining most others.

And that has been the most amazing thing behind the woman,herself.And as time went by,I got ever so wonderfully addicted to this space.Reading the Destiny's Child was like reading the newspaper first up in the morning for she was soo very punctual with her posts.The world through her eyes was and still is an extremely wonderful experience.And then came social networking sites to the foray,I found her on one of them and we were friends soon enough.As time went by,so did things fall into place ever-so-wonderfully well.


As things stand today,close to 6 months from our first real conversation on the telephone,I have learned more things from her than I could have ever given her.The humongous multi dimensions of the people inhabiting the earth,the life and times of an Indian girl coupled with the realities that they have to face in life,the flashes of the child in her who wishes to go places fueled by her ambitions,the woman in her who is a great source of emotional life support system to most people around her(including ME),an insight into the life of a perfectionist who has a very good head above her shoulders and whose feet are completely firm on the ground--I could just go on and on and on.The mere fact is,seldom have I been able to see people of the current generation who have had a better outlook on life than raka and in these times,I have never been ashamed to take a leaf out of hers and incorporate them into mine.After all,she is indeed MINE..... :D

And in these times,there sure has been my share of PR disasters(I am GOD) but unlike the previous times where in,I thought it transpired thanks to me,Raka has made me realise that it ain't really so and put a whole new dimension into my thought process..I don't really think about them now anymore,for I have her...forever...and ever....and ever.... :)



And now when I come across myself as one of those very lucky few who have been fortunate enough to adorn this space,I thank her for all the wonderful moments that have transpired in between the two of us in this short span of time,for putting up with me,the number of times I have put her in utter disarray through my umpteen SMS's (yeah,messaging is free for me..Want a bite??get in touch.. :p ) and missed calls and also those phone calls sometimes- just hoping that these times do last forever.....

Love you ever so much.....*Hugs*
yours Multi(Nikhil)Menon

Yeah,I am praying for your admission at MASCOM more than anyone else and you know why...!! :D

Beginning to an End

i was so looking forward to the college to end.but what i had not anticipated even in my wildest dreams that college coming to an end, would mean not seeing you in college everyday.

those conversations through scribbling on chits,
those moments of absolute bliss,
the study sessions,
the urgent phone calls,
and midnight texts
the jittery nerves.
the silent gazes and hasty hugs.
the scribbles and doodles,
the fake tattoos and autographs
the canteen talk or bitching sessions.
the reminiscence of happier times,
the tears of anguish and distress
the smiles and promises of a better tomorrow.
will be missed.

love is hardly the word, that can express just what i feel for you, thank you for being my friend.

its my last day at college tomorrow, Wednesday is our farewell. the day i have been waiting for is here. from here, it will be an onward journey and i will make good things happen.

My College Days 2

I was a prefect in my school for four consecutive years. i was the vice house captain in class 9 and then the house captain in class 10 [yellow house or Vivekananda house] all through voting. in class 11 and 12 i became the prefect, to put it modestly i was popular amongst my peers as well as juniors. event organizing or house meetings, thinking strategies or practicing for house matches i was there everywhere. maybe that's why college seemed to me as a huge leap, a step into the big bad world.

when i first started looking forward to college i always knew i would get into St Xavier's. after all it was our brother school, i had the qualification and the state level rower tag and several other activities under my belt; why on earth would i be rejected? i was confident and hopeful. but my hopes was dashed into a million pieces when i saw i wasn't featured anywhere on the list and the Principal of the college flung my extra curricular activities [some 40 odd certificates in different field] claiming them to be utter rubbish and asked me to furnish certificates of things i did in the last two years of my life. that was the most discouraging moment of my life, i have never felt disillusioned, broken and completely defeated before like this before. my confidence was shattered. it took a while for me to recover and it wasn't until i got through to JU.

My father is an ex student of JU, and i have grown up with the stories of JU but strangely i never developed a keen interest to join my dad's college to maintain the legacy. in fact JU was one of my last options despite it being the best in Kolkata. the day i went to pick up the forms for JU, i fell in love with the lush gardens, friendly seniors, open spaces and the huge campus. it was then i realized my calling. Yes, mass communication may have been a dream but studying literature has been a passion i had nurtured ever since i could remember. i finally found hope in the darkest hour of my life, and from the shattered dream was born a new me.

the reason why JU is simply the best is because you have the freedom to be just you. whether straight, gay or bisexual people confidently flaunt their sexuality, keeping aside gender bias girls and guys are treated equally not just by the management but also by students, gender bias has not really come to my notice, girls and guys smoke alike without the glares of moral police. to be honest i got lost in the vast campus and the vibrant people. from the popular girl in school i became the shy, and unknown girl, it was scary so i choose to look for dark corners to hide now and then. it took awhile to open up but somehow i could never establish the familiarity with the campus that i could once associate with my school. and to add to my woes, i joined Ju with the committed tag.. and that cost me some very potential boy friends who now remain but as friends!!can you beat that? lol! :P

my favorite hangouts in campus were varied, specially in different phases in college. in the first semester when Shubhankar and i were inseparable, we and some other friends including Rohit would hang out in what is known as the jheel par [a small lake] then Shubhankar and i fell apart, i had a new set of friends and we used to hang out in the BBC[ the basket ball court] after classes and just lie there for hours altogether. during daytime we would hang out in a place called gol [a round bench around a tree] the ledge has of course been a favorite throughout for all batches, Shubhankar and i would often sit on the ledge studying and exchanging notes, it was also a witness to the numerous fights we used to have :). later when i became much more studious and serious my hideout used to be the DL[departmental library] in the comforts of the AC and away from prying eyes there i would spend my afternoons.we have around 6-7 canteens in our college, and i have frequented almost all of them except the E-faculty ones [engineering people frequent there] because they are rowdy and rather intimidating and they ogle you like anything.. after all to them people from the arts faculty are big shot hots and prized possessions, specially since they seem to have droughts of female population :P lol! Milon da's canteen remains the most popular of all canteens however no one can equal the coffee found in the AC canteen!!phew!! after Shubhankar and i patched up, the back lanes of JU became our utopia, away from prying eyes and gossip mongers there we rebuilt our friendship.

sigh! i don't know about the people but i will surely miss the campus and the ambiance of JU. there is an old Bengal feel to it. i got in touch with my roots, this is the first time i started talking fluently in my mother tongue, my convent upbringing really handicapped in speaking Bengali. Ju for the first time gave me Bengali friends and through them i savoured Bangaliana. Ju is the one place where you are you, and you are not really judged by the background you come from, or the clothes you wear or the people you move around with. the motto of campus life in JU is live and let live and if you have attitude flaunt it. its been an enriching experience here, a place which will always be remembered as a benchmark in my life, where i actually outgrew the protected life i lived during my school life and entered the adult world with its responsibilities and its spiteful and vicious claws. as i step over the threshold i carry but the good memories as unhappy ones and the distasteful ones are left behind buried in what will soon be my past.

i cant believe i have grown up enough to finish college. i still consider myself a school kid.
you know what? when i was in class 3 once while doing maths i thought id just study till class 12 because i was finding doing maths tough. in class 12 i knew id just finish graduation and further studies wouldn't even be an option, and here i am almost a graduate and i crave to study more.. :) weird na??

2 more working days to go! woohooo!!! :)

My College Days

SHUBHANKAR and me :)

Yesterday was my last class test in JU. yes formally the countdown to the end has begun. i wish i could feel nostalgic and a little weepy but i am not :D!!. the happy go lucky blokes in our class are a lot more emotional but they are staying back for PG anyway. yes i am taking a massive risk in life, i will not take readmission in my college for PG which is a sure shot opportunity. that means if i don't get admission in any of the 5 colleges I'm applying outside Kolkata, either i have to work or waste a year and then maybe re-apply for PG in my department. and trust me instead of feeling the burden.. okay i do feel it but a teeny tiny bit ...but im sure that i will never repent the decision i'm taking now and i will stand by it no matter what and take what comes my way cheerfully. it makes me feel a lot lighter for knowing for sure i wont have to come back to this shit hole again. and the relief is beyond what i can hardly explain.

that's my friend IPSY and me :)

i know most of you are aghast and surprised at me taking about college in such drastic terms, but i have no ill feelings towards college, i have a grudge against the people i have encountered and the unjustly i have been treated here. more on that but later, this post is not for unhappy thoughts! :)

that's ROHIT and me :)

you know why i feel so happy and relaxed about leaving college without the tell-a-tale signs of tears and nostalgia? maybe its got to do with the fact that my good friends, handful in number are the ones who have stuck by me in this rocky journey of life and the relationship i have established with them transcend the college boundaries. i don't need college boundaries to unite me with my friends and this makes each and everyone whom i consider friends stand out among the others.

TISTA and me :)

if i really miss something about college life will be these friends, who in my hour of need have stood by me and became my pillar of strength. Ipsy has been a moral support guiding me through some of the darkest hours of my life, when i all but gave in to despair, she made me a more confident person and gave me the strength that i could conquer anything if i set my mind to it. Shubhankar has been there through thick and thin, he is the one person i actually depend upon, be it while submitting assignments or filling up admission forms, or calming my nerves before exams, he truly has been the ultimate friend, my mirror image; someone i connect to even without talking. Rohit is one friend who has been there for me, right from the first day of college till the end, we have gossip sessions as well as those dreamy conversations about life and people, we hardly meet but when we do we have the greatest conversations ever, no ego pride or negativity has marred our friendship and he is the one friend i have managed to keep secure from oblivion's curse, he is a treasure to me. Tista is a lot crazy, hyper, Queen bee of college, she is everything i am not; feminine, fashionable and forthcoming. yet we clicked we have been friend from the last 6-10 months yet we have connected well. its with her i share my girlie side, she is my ultimate guru when it comes to beauty and fashion tips. and with our boy friends in tow we have some awesome double dates.

i don't know what my future is, where ever i am. no matter what happens. these are really the cherished few whom I'm going to remember with love and make an attempt to always keep in touch. it is the ultimate bliss when the person for whom you care reciprocates your feelings and appreciates you for who you are... college is coming to and end but not the friendship that transcends the plane on which it first blossomed!

god! please make sure this is actually an end and i don't have to go back to JU again!! please be by my side and make this ending a permanent one so that i can move on ahead making the most of life and the opportunities that beacon me.

yay!! just 3 more days to go!

i intend to write a post on each of the last four remaining days of my college, to remember and share the time i spent here, so that someday when i come back and read this, i may be able to cherish these last moments with love and fondness.

Childhood memories

A day off during the week [CITU has called a 24 hour nationwide bandth] is really hard to come by. since its a time off from regular monotony of life, i plan to do absolutely nothing, just let my thoughts sprout wings. its been raining all through the night and the morning too doesn't seem any different. a day like this always brings back memories. i had always wanted to grow up and had claimed that i wouldn't really regret it. i don't regret but the rapidity of my evolution really startles me! it is really unbelievable even to myself that i turn 21 in just a few more weeks, [16day :P] when did i grow up so fast? i keep asking myself. i can still see myself playing cricket with my friends on the road, with my long hair somehow knotted, in a tee and shorts. i remember how ma would get angry, thinking of all the children my daughter has to be unruly, there is not a single lady like manner in her. but hey that was me! climbing my walls, smashing window panes, running around and yelling, doing all the things that so called convent educated young ladies are not supposed to do.

i remember how i used to mastermind all great activities, from planning pajama parties to organizing Independence day function, to setting up of our headquarters, everything. it used to be so much fun. i think the poor residents of our lane must have prayed day in and day out hoping we would grow up, so as to have a good afternoon nap. i used to be an avid reader, so on my way home in a metro i would continuously read and even while ma fed me [she still does it :P] to save time. then run down immediately as the clock struck 4. at prompt 6 we would hear our mothers yell for us to get back home. with bruises and mud stains we would head straight to the washroom. even then the milk and biscuits just before study time seemed such a treat!. what i loved the best was, the first rain of the season. we would all huddle up in my terrace in our nightclothes and would have greatest time being soaked to the skin. i had not a care in the world. such wonderful times those were.

then i had my first crush and started noticing my uncouth and unruly nature. i washed and took care of my hair more consciously, skirts replaced shorts and to be looking presentable at all times seemed my very important prerogative. how angry and disgusted i used to feel because i didn't know how to be more ladylike. i remember i had attempted to put kajal for the first time and messed it up big time. for just one look of my crush id wait hours on end on the veranda. times have changed.

Druhin, my first friend on planet earth, [i know him from the time i was 2, we are friends from Montessori] exclaims how ladylike i have become, wearing distinct "girlie" clothes now, he hates me wearing kajal which now i am so adept at applying, and so very hates the fact i no longer resemble the tomboy that i used to be. but times change and so have i, but something that is hard to change is the memories. somehow even now the childhood memories seem so real and life like that i can almost see myself doing the things i once did but with a start i realize that i have moved ahead in time. what i wouldn't do if only for once i could go back in time and relive the moments, that are hard to come by.