This year that was

No come back speeches no promises to keep blogging. i write because i want to. another year has drawn to an end. a year that will be a landmark in my life. a year in which i 'Grew Up' all of 22 yea i grew up.

i was among those who stay at home and are dying to go out into the world, live on my own away from family, fiercely ambitious and independent who want to live life on my own terms. but what i had not bargained for is knowing life for what it really is, and not how i viewed it. i remember making resolutions that this year will be that year when i move out of home, and at the end of it i have moved out. and these Christmas holidays when i am home, I'm living the live i had left behind on rent; and even though it is borrowed i think this is the most beautiful and heavenly places on earth for me. yea staying away from home makes even the earlier hellish like home seem like heaven.

leaving behind everything i grew up with was probably the hardest thing i have done till date. i still cant believe that i have managed to stay without all the things i loved. living in a new city, sharing a room with 4 others is not easy to say the least. there were some minor problems and then there were major problems but then i took it on. there were times things went way bad than i could have ever imagined. i felt everything crumbling, i knew i would never be able to stand up and face it again but then i did it. i learned to face things i wasn't proud of or things that made me feel terrible about myself.i felt like an idiot at times, i lost my confidence my zest for life and somewhere the reason for why i am where i am. I'm still clawing in the dark to find that one light that would guide me through. a lot of discoveries i have made about people but first and foremost about me. being at home you don't realize what you like and what you don't, or the kind of person you will be. i saw a glimpse of the kind of person i will be: prim and proper. one who keeps her shoes together, her cupboard in place, her laundry done and no pending work, in a word control freak. and i love that about myself, because at home I'm quite the opposite but living in a hostel taught me what a cleanliness freak i can be, yeah sometimes it does range in the limits of insanity but then i mean no harm to anyone.

i have done a lot of grown up stuff in my stint in Bangalore. i have travelled from an unknown naxal infested taluk of Karnataka to Bangalore, i took my first ever flight ride [make that 4 ever since...]i have learnt to go shopping alone.. o most guys its not a big deal but shopping is not something you can do alone..seriously.. you always need a companion..talking about being all grown up i had to counsel myself say about a million times that at 22 I'm hardly a young girl and that i should overcome my fears .. well the counselling continues.. and well i hope sometime it yields proper results...

on other fronts... i had my convocation a few days back on 24Th of December 2009 at 3.15 precisely i was handed over graduation degree..dressed in saree and robes[that's thee tradition of JU] looking like pupils of Hogwarts except a tad bit hideous... i officially became a graduate.. :)

personal front.. well i could never imagine a life apart from Samik.. even though I'm living such a life now.. at least from my end i do not see any change in the dynamics of our relationship.. distance does not really bother me.. in fact in someways distance puts me in a space when i value the time i spend with him.. over the phone or those rare occasions when he flies down to Bangalore to visit me... there is not much to tell.. more updates on personal front is required before i can make further statements :)

that's all from my end as of now...

so does this post mean I'm back to blogging?? well no promises..because i don't seem to keep them.. but a realization on blogging front.. from the moment i had let life take over and not me controlling it..i realized i had ceased to be content and i went slightly insane...as i always said blogging keeps me alive and sane..so i will probably cut down on those extra hours of sleep because i have nothing much to do and devote a little time to doing something that never fails to bring a smile to my face: blogging...

One month Anniversary

Me

Today is Independence day but that is not the only reason why this day is so significant to me. today marks one whole month of my leaving home. before you cringe, let me promise you, yes this is about leaving home but its primarily about my evolution and my journey of life in the past one month. So i wont go yapping about home and me feeling homesick.

Deepi and Vaidu

Earlier i couldn't conceive of a day when i would have to live a life away from home. i thought i would just perish just missing home. but now one month has passed, almost in a blink of an eye, and i realized that i have slipped into a life which i was probably destined to live. i think somewhere i have taken my stay here as a long long excursion maybe that's why it isn't affecting that much or maybe i keep too busy to even realize. i assure you problems are there, i do cry myself to sleep at times or i just break down whenever i try and take time alone; but pushing those moments aside its okay, I'm fine here, i do enjoy myself. i have realized unlike most i will always miss home and pine for it but there will also be millions of such moments when i will be happy, i will smile and laugh. here i have made friends or i have some very familiar faces who are now a part of my new life. a life which is what i wanted its so my type, the discipline, the punctuality with which the whole system runs. the meal times when we all gather together, laughing and talking, we often eat from others plate, we cry, we hug, we go for walks and these unknown people somewhere are like family. the bonds may not be that strong or close but these people do smile when you walk in... they ask about your health, they appreciate what you wear. its fun getting dressed for seminars and conferences, where all the girls help each other to fix their hair or make up. the guys are always at the TT board playing. we often play carom with the guards and it turns really noisy... its fun in a way. even far away from home i have made friends who care, Deepi actually woke up one night when i was sick, hearing me choke in my sleep. she got me medicines and woke me up to feed it to me... Vaidehi always locks my cupboard for me because i keep forgetting to do it... in turn i do what little i can to help them out, for better or for worse these people are my family now and it may not be great but life's good here.

Roomies: Deepi,ME,Shephu,Anu and Vaidu

Its been a month now.. i still couldn't believe it when i woke up this morning. everyone else was sleeping in.... it felt strange. i looked around me... there was Deepi and Vaidu sleeping curled up in their blankets, and i smiled its a regular sight for me now, and that reminded me at one time regular sight to me was waking up to find my niece curled up to me... thinking about her i looked at my watch it was 7.35 then i let my mind drift to a month back and i closed my eyes to recount what happened over a month back... this very day....

Samik

I can vividly remember, it was a cloudy day, my sister had already arrived to spend the day with me... and i was hurriedly getting dressed to meet Samik. we had gone to our favourite breakfast joint, and sipping tea he told me that was the last time i was drinking tea with him. even then it hadn't really sunk in that i was leaving that very day in a few hours, and i calmly smiled at him. it was later that the realization came, i kept staring at Samik, drinking in his sight, memorising how there were little wrinkles when he smiled, his forever sleepy eyes... i broke down several times in reckless sobs, but he was there strong as a stone, many times i had wondered if all his concerns about me leaving was just a formality? for he never betrayed any emotion. i understood later that he was being strong for me. it was only when i spoke to him from the station and he was leaving office that he broke down asking me if i was really leaving home and i couldn't reply only the announcements of a railway station filled the unspoken moments. it was really hard. i didn't know what i was doing. at that moment i regretted choosing such dreams that took me away from my loved ones. i didn't want it, if i could i would have dumped it all and just been by samik. but he evolved into a mature man and encouraged me to go on and fulfill my childhood dreams... he gave me hope and i knew i had to sail through this one year and rush back to be with him...


I had settled in my seat and came out to meet my folks and tears just wouldn't stop, just thinking about that day brings back more tears. as the train started pulling off i broke down... A MONTH HAS PASSED SINCE THEN.....it all seems surreal to me now.... immediately thinking about leaving home, I'm reminded of my first two days here. i remember how excited i was to walk down the slope to my hostel, pulling my suitcase behind me. i was greeted by so many people whom until then i had met only online, it was great. the next day officially all the others trooped in and those who had stayed back the day before like me, we helped the others drag their luggage and unpack. it was amazing... that night all of us roomies we stayed up huddled in two narrow beds, munching and talking about our lives, it was 3 in the morning when we stopped and realized we have been talking since 9 the last night. its funny how life changes and how we fall in place even in a new life.

Vaidu aka Vaidehi

Now my day begins with Vaidu's alarm ringing and i sit up to see Vaidu waking up too, or she comes over to wake me or vice versa.... the initial days of being prim and proper has given way to being absolutely shameless with each other, photo sessions are the order of the way [check my orkut pics... i dunno why but i cant upload pics to facebook :(] life is difficult and challenging. but i am alive and i hope someday all the goals that i had set for myself are realized and all the things that so burden me give way to a brighter tomorrow.... someday i will smile back at my life here and take forward many beautiful memories from my new life at IIJNM. someday... i will go home... :)

P.S- Wishing you all a very Happy Independence Day!

Ashamed

Just the thing i had always feared. the reason i hated even drinking was because i was scared that drinking would make me drunk and on being drunk i would vent all my pent up emotions and cry. and my fears were realized... and i sobbed endlessly for hours altogether i guess and there was little i could do.

Today when i woke up and remembered what happened, i am ashamed for what i did and i promise the next time i will never drink, not surely to drown my emotions but i will try and be brave like i usually am. I'm not proud of what happened and i know i will never repeat it again.Ever! Promise!

Too much on my platter! :(

Everyday i wake up thinking yet another day has passed and I'm getting closer and closer to leaving..my heart is heavy, i know it will not be easy but i will get used to it...no i wont rant about my 'leaving home blues' i have successfully shooed away most of my friends who don't read me anymore.. but well i totally understand.. i haven't been writing any substantiate anyway... :)

Things at my end is well.. all too chaotic.. i had thought my last few days here would be peaceful..with quality time with my blog, my family and samik...but turns out that i cant find time to write on my blog if i do get even a few minutes i cant seem to do much.and this time crunch explains why i havent been able to read and comment on your blogs..sorry!.. mom has been ignored mostly..because i am out to please her, by visiting relatives all the time.. when i am home I'm tired and sleepy so much so that my body aches in fatigue... i cant sleep..i sleep in the wee hours of the morning only to be woken up rudely to go and meet someone again...samik has been really busy too and he cant seem to find time to spend with me..and id like to believe he wont find time to talk to me..for if we want we can find time for anything....anyway.. so all in all its been really harrowing... on top of it.. my mom has taken away all my clothes to keep aside for packing...and wont give me anything to wear out to meet the scores of relatives...damn!

Btw yesterday i went to Dakhineshwar its a very holy temple in the out skirts of the city.. i had done a mannat there about my leaving kolkata getting to study what i wanted to.. well by god's grace i have been granted that... :) so i went to offer my prayers and to ask something more from them..[them because i cant understand what to refer god as her /him.. because when i am alone i refer to god as him.. and when in temple i refer to god as her.. so I'm confused...:P] anyway i seem to realize what a greedy pig i am.. every time i go i tell god give me this and i wont ask anything again and i go back to offer prayers and ask again... now even god will say 'sorry you have exceeded the number of prayers" hey bhagwaan don't do this to me please... :) i am really scared that he will stop listening to me... on a serious note.. i am not a very religious person but i somehow have faith in god.. in the darkest hour of my life.. all i could do was to think of god and pray to him..and I'm thankful that he thought me worthy of granting my wishes...and ging to a temple really calms me down and makes me so humble.. i really have understood the meaning and the power of prayers... :)

Anyway I'm almost ready to faint there... i have to meet around 4 people today.... you guys have a good day ahead... and have fun.. and keep smiling..

The Final Bus Ride

I stood at the bus stop waiting for ST6 like i have been doing for the past three years..it was the same bus stop that i stood waiting for, in loathsome anticipation of a crowded and a harrowing journey to Kalikapur. in all these years nothing had changed... not the horrible journey where i never ever got a place to sit..being squeezed in the unholiest way in order to get off the bus to my destination...it was the same black gate that i pushed to walk through the campus to reach the lift.. the same confusion regarding the floor i need to get off..the same silly tic tack toe method to guess the number and pushing the button to signal the lift to proceed.. except this was for the last time...

Nostalgic yea and greatly saddened too.. i walked with a heavy heart to my students place to whom i was teaching for one last time... it felt pretty ironic to me. 3 years back when i first rang the bell i felt i would not even last a month, having to travel so far. but in the next 3 years everything changed... my student was all of 10 then became a friend and more so a kid sister for whom i took over from a teacher and became a virtual nanny..from shopping expeditions to visit the book fair... the bond became more than just professional. and 3 years hence it felt eerie to walk away from everything that once was an integral part of my life. initially though it had been an opportunity to keep myself engaged and to earn the an extra buck.but it soon became much more than that. the love and respect i received is far more precious to me than the amount of money i earned. and i am thankful and grateful for that.

It really was an end of an era for me. leaving Barshali's tuition has been really tough because there has been several times in the past where i had contemplated leaving her due to so many issues, be it time crunch or the dreadful journey to and fro but i never made it, but now when i was happily settled it was time to say goodbye.

like Linkin Park says [thanks Leo for sharing this]

Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple Sometimes good bye's the only way ....

Now i have to go back to those early days of college where i would depend on pocket money from dad for maintenance... and i would always have to bid goodbye to the last 2 years where i had independently brought myself up...i took care of my smallest needs from cellphone recharge, to college fees, from shopping to binging.. from buying gifts to stationary i have done it all.. and i was really proud of it... but here comes a time when i will have to be dependant on another person for survival.. and its a thing which has mixed reactions from me.... :P

Happy and Smiling again!

I haven't been in too good a mood of late. probably i have pissed off many by not taking calls or replying to the Ims and sms's. i have been unable to blog, there was no interest and no desire to do so. i have missed many post of yours which i should have read and commented, while some of you who have been extremely understanding and kind to me regarding the same, some have come up and demanded why i haven't replied to the comments or visited their blogs. to the latter i just have something to clarify, there are times i read but i am unable to comment, but basically i blog because i want to, and that it is a source of pleasure for me, i don't want to reduce it to a liability, where i feel obligated to comment just because someone has commented, i will do it because i want to not because i have to. so if i haven't been up to your expectation,i am sorry but i am what i am.

Anyway moving on... as of now i am feeling a whole lot better, in kinda good mood you can say. finally right now its raining, i mean the proper hours long rain that washes away the dust and clearing the humidity that made life so impossible for us.this is the first monsoon showers of the season.it pretty late but nonetheless here... so that's surely a breather. but i wanted to enjoy my beloved rains here before moving on. and thank god my wish was granted!did i tell you i absolutely love the rains??!! i simply loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorve the rains!! :D :)

On other happy events. very recently most of my friends from school met up and we had a whale of a time together, some of whom i was meeting after 5 long years. you can imagine 11 ladies seated at a corner at one of Kolkata's finest restaurants in a well known mall for a buffet; chattering, giggling, clicking pictures away to glory and having a ball. everyone was like super happy and excited to be back and it was one happy reunion! thankfully i met up all these beautiful people before i left or else id be missing on a lot, since i don't think i will be around for the later reunions. what i absolutely loved was the fact, that despite meeting up after 5 years it didn't seem as if we hadst been out of touch at all. and there was never a dull or awkward moment, smiles and giggles ruled the whole outing and it was one happening event to be in.

As the days are rolling by and time to leave comes nearer the fear and apprehension is making me all the more anxious and nervous but I'm trying my best to not make it more difficult for me and take things as they come.. and if you have friends like Nikhil and Anwesa who keep reminding you of the number of days left... god u can imagine... I'm ready to tear my hair out! :) :P Sorry to all you lovely people who has had to read my rants about my insecurities and leaving home blues.. sorry to have bored you to death but i will try and not whine and make it all worthwhile and if indeed i fail to keep my word please be patient as this is one of the most rough and harsh phase of my life... i will bounce back with my chirpy ways...

And o yeah... there is this one deed that makes me a lot happier and relived these days... there has been something that had made me all cold and unapproachable and this was because i have been angry and bitter... but i have learnt to let go and do what i want.. even if it means contradicting myself and at the cost of appearing confused to many... i will maintain what i had realized for myself... that i will preserve my individuality and strength of character no matter what...but at the same time... i will do things which i feel like doing... for i am answerable to no-one but myself. this makes me happy and i am happy to be loved and to love. it makes my plight a lot lesser and my heart a lot lighter... and makes me one happy girl!

Happy Rains to all you lovely people.... and ya in case you are interested in reading the guest post i wrote for NE aka Nehya...and here is one i did for Vinay aka Leo too...just click on the names.. :).. cya around!!

Amar Kolkata

South City.. one of the biggest housing and mall projects in Kolkata

City centre.. one of the finest malls in kolkata

howrah bridge..

tanga ...

Nandan.. seat of bangalee culture..

Trams

Victoria memorial

Vidaysagar sethu

Its hot and humid

there are frequent strikes and bandhs

people are a lot unprofessional

no many opportunities here

there is smoke and dust everywhere

fewer malls and slower developments [than the rest]

water logs,

we have a 'Buddha' and a 'Didi'

we have tons that prove that we are yet to evolve.

But we are the people of the place

where hospitality comes first

where there are no racial or linguistic discrimination.

where recession or no

people forget their grief and come together for the pujas

where Christmas is as important as Durga pujas

Where there is always a smile despite the hardship

where the rich and the poor co-exist

where we get to be ourselves without any limitations.

Maybe this is why i love this place called Kolkata

A few days back i saw Anjan Dutta's Madly Bangalee...[which means Madly Bengali] Anjan Dutta is a very talented man who writes and directs his films, he composes and sings, he acts and and produces his work too. he movies are are all classics as it brings out the 'bangalee' culture in someway or the other... his recent flick is about a bangla rock band, comprising of these youth who give us a flavour of the youth of Kolkata who are very modern and cosmopolitan but who retain their bangaleeana... the flick was fun and worth a watch.. amazingly throughout it i was in tears for no reason at all and by the time it all ended, i realized just how much i am going to miss my Kolkata, a place i was born in, a place that made me who i am and a place that is integral to my identity.

[okay i know Amit is going to smirk at me...] but since the movie revolved around JU[that's my college] and the actors too are from my college and there were scenes of my college.. at the end of it i realized that i will surely miss my college.... only the campus and the ambiance and my profs not the people...

So all in all I'm terribly homesick and it just adds to my woes of shopping, socializing, no time and some really nagging people...

Leaving Home Blues...

last night, i woke up suddenly in the middle of the night. As i lay there on my bed,darkness surrounding me i could hear a rhythmic breathing somewhere near me as an arm encircled my waist. as i wriggled the arm tightened some more. i felt contended and peaceful. this time there were no complaints, i didn't mind her nuzzling me in sleep, i didn't mind that she practically kicked me out of my bed, i didn't so much as yank back the covers which she had unceremoniously taken away from me. to me these now seemed bliss.. i guess you can call this leaving home blues.

while growing up i couldn't wait to leave home. every time i was down with some problem all i wanted to do was flee somewhere. i still do at times. but now i realize just what i am going to have to give up for that. here are the things i will absolutely miss when away from home.

~kachoris... there is this halwai [snack shop] nearby and i simply love the kachori from there.. and a jalebi to add...slurp slurp... off too good yaar i simply love it... i could have the same everyday... :)

~i didn't think i was such a fish person.. okay being a bong makes me a fish person but i wasn't before..but i have become now...imagine not having..doi [curd] rui[rohu], hilsa..omg writing this post is turning out to be a food post and it is making me all hungry... :P

~all these years of staying home, and having a room all to myself, i had tons of liberties which i am going to miss when is hostel. here when i sleep i am all prim and proper but when i wake up i am a mess, my night dress rides up, my hands and legs are all over the place. i guess now i need to be prim and proper even in my sleep with 3 other girl to share the room with :) god i need a lot of practice here...

~oooooo i will miss my bed.. the soft mattress in which i almost sink in...the comforts of the bed which makes me fall asleep instantly..sigh!

~the other day i heard the dhak [sound of drum] that are played specially during the pujas.. the very sound of it heralds the pujas..and you know its a matter of time when the whole celebrations will start..those five days ..when there is no night, then sleep flees, despite the aching feet and sore eyes; people still have the energy to walk all over the city..those early morning anjali's and the evening arati's those new clothes and shoes bites..... but this year there will be none of it...i cant even imagine waking up, knowing that it is the pujas in kolkata and not be able to savour it all... god I'm feeling homesick already...

~have you ever had boiled potatoes mashed, with a little bit of ghee and salt with rice? it tastes heavenly.. its my favourite..how I'm gonna miss it..its like my staple diet here... :(

~blogging is on my mind greatly...i know i will be able to blog..but will i like get to just use a pc whenever i feel i need to pen down some? just the thought that i will be at the mercy of college computers without my brad pitt[my pc] i am feeling lost...

~no birthdays are not special for me...bt despite all that i think i am gonna miss not being around folks on that day..the panch bhaja [5 types of fries...like brinjal,potato,cauliflower etc] and the payesh [rice custard/kheer]

i thought my mood will improve as i write but i seem to get all depressed... maybe its got to do with the fact that within a month..that is 15Th July I'm supposed to leave..and my mood has gone for a toss ever since I've had it...ok this is it.. i should end the post here..i dont want to breakdown.. i hope you guys had a great weekend....tadaaa!cya later.....

I hate to say this but i think i just suffered a major writers block. i can give tons of excuses like, i am really pressed up with time [i really have] or that i am too busy to think of a post [ i have been busy before but i have always posted] or for the fact i feel a lot fatigued and drained these days; but to me too it sounds lame. even Anwesa's life saving act [read:the interview] couldn't pull me out and make me write. its all a little too complicated on my end and i can barely breathe..

2ND of June was samik's birthday and incidentally our 4 year anniversary too. i had a beautiful morning, i was yanked from my sleeping stupor to received "the thing" that had come for me. nothing making sense, my eyes hardly open, i managed to scribble my name as i slumped on the sofa only to be bombarded by a series of questions as to who sent me a huge bouquet of pink roses and orchids. Dad even went on to say how my secret admirer was thoughtful as he ushered my birthday 3 month in advance, if this wasn't enough mom let the cat out of the bag saying how come on Samik's birthday i get flowers sent by him?!! :P no really it was hilarious and very embarrassing.. but nonetheless a thoughtful gesture which i absolutely appreciated... the whole event was a dream come true and the flowers were totally out of the world! :)

Since i have just about a month and half okay 41 days to be precise, to leave now the whole house is swinging into action.. meri ma sach mein meri maa nikli...she brought out this huge list [read that went on to be about 4 pages] of the things i need to buy and the stuff i need to take. in fact right now i bailed out sometime for myself to blog, because i was feeling so bad for neglecting my bloggie for so long.. and really i meant what i had said i am going to blog even in Bangalore and there is no two ways about it... 

i have been talking to this new friend of mine her name is Vaidehi, she got through my college [okay calling JU my college for so many years, and now referring to IIJNM as college is so weird i tell you... :) ] and we both have decided to be roomies. thankfully to the delight of both of us, we have discovered similar tastes and likings, we are a lot alike in the kind of person we are... and it looks like i am going to have a good time there.. she seems nice and affectionate and i am really having a good time getting to know her.. hopefully someday i will get to splash pictures of her on my blog once we become good friends. she is now one of the reasons why i am looking forward to my new college.

its the beginning to an end... and everything seems to be taking me a step closer to leaving home, it is a scary feeling but then i am a lot excited too, though i fear tears and heart burn wont be far off but i am so eager to test the waters myself. i have managed to pack all my graduation books and xeroxes into two massive boxes and another box contains all my memories of slam book, scribbled tees,movie tickets etc, these were the toughest to pack. i was almost in tears thinking of packing all this away to clear my room to make space. some day i have to leave my Brad Pitt [my pc] too and then he will be possessed by Roshni or mom, the only consolation will be that my emails and chats will be view through Brad..sigh!! god I'm getting all weepy and senti here :)

god can u believe it i get almost everything new! from hair clips to undies.. from books and copies to equipments.. god! i feel so important and like a Queen. imagine the shopping expeditions, the phase1 starts today!! :) accha that reminds me i am getting a new phone and an ipod too... now i need help..im looking at nokia 5130 Xpress music [click the link] and i was wondering if at all i should do for Ipod or ditch it for an Mp4 player..see the logic is.. for ipod u need to download itunes, i wonder if i will be able to do that in college computers, moreover with the same amount i get a 2GB MP4 player.. since i am not big gadget expert if you guys have any idea...kindly shed some light :) funny how talks of shopping always perks you up na?? :) 

btw in case you are interested i wrote Yams a guest post... if you wish you can view it here.

I'm so in vogue these days i tell you that people invite me to their blogs to write posts.. first it was yams and then it was Mayank and the list just goes on and on. jokes apart! :) i am really honoured to write all the words but this zalim writers block..at times like this all i can say is Thank you God for gifting me Anwesa.. [you know what i mean now don't you my bind?! :P]

Phew!! this really is a long long post!! god u guys must be bored to death.. so sorry haan bura mat mana..bas aisai suddenly you know under ki bhadas nikal hi ayaa... :)

chalo i am off for now... next time will try to come back with a better post..till then you guys smile and take care... mwuaaaaaaaaaah!! :)

P.S- if you find any hot guys send him this way please! :)

why is it that i cant belive a word that you say...

your promises seem fake,

the emotions make belief

and the assurances all hollow??

has the pain and anguish that i have been through, made me immune to you?

or have i just fallen out of love?

Introspection

Kolkata experienced the beginning of the monsoons with the cyclone ‘aila’ yeah right that’s precicely what most of us felt like when the news greeted us first thing in the morning. It was a destructively beautiful day, with strong gusts of wind stormed through the entire house, windows slammed and ambience was punctuated with regular breaking of glass and yells. It was an ominously exciting experience. When i went out in the late afternoon despite the warnings from Met department what i saw struck me with awe, destruction reigned, trees uprooted, people were dead and yet life seemed to go one even when the rains poured relentlessly. And how symbolic it was it reflected the storm that raged within me. Someone who loves the rain, these few days will be all that I will ever be able to experience from now on.

Preparations are on at home, with lists made and all, there is a strange finality in the air. Like ma exclaims, that she feels like she is marrying me off forever, and in a way it is so true. Once I leave chances of coming back to the city is so remote that I am rather unnerved by it all. Yes this is a dream of a lifetime, I wont back down or give it up but I know it is feat that would squeeze everything out me, it scares me. I have never stayed away from home for a long period of time and everytime I am away from familiar things I feel life go out of me. I know you will tell me it is a phase it will pass and I will settle down, and that people before me have done it and people after me will do it. I know, but it doesn’t make my ordeal any less. Even though such apprehensions reign my heart, I am a picture of poise and calm, my mind is as strong as steel.

 It is funny how, when you reach a socially agreeable position in life, there are people who flock you, who appreciate you and would do anything to gain favour with you. I saw this first hand with not just my peers but with others who earlier wouldn’t care much about me. Truly all my patience and tolerance of social anomaly has paid of. There was a time when a word said by me was slighted and was never believed, but today since all my words have come true I am in vogue, the most sought after.

 Is it wrong that after all the anguish I have gone through, I am happy that I want to for once live my life for myself? And give less priority to those who have slighted me before?

 I surprise myself each time, with the strength I feel within me and the conviction with which I deal with him. Last few months has been especially harsh on me. I was full of bitterness and anger. I have desired acceptance, I have craved love from people who have just insulted and humiliated me and I could do nothing to put an end to it. I had just tried to be patient and bear it all up in hope for my time to come and it has. Now I don’t want to be appreciated or accepted by them, I don’t need them around anymore. In a month and half I will be far far away from them, creating a life for myself one that is befitting me and one that I deserve, with them not being around to cast a shadow of misgivings on my life. I have endured much but not anymore.

 Is it wrong NOT to believe someone who repeatedly professes his feelings to you and makes tall promises but never ever fulfils them?

 I don’t like to hurt anyone. It does not bring me joy if I refuse a person for anything. But I am incapable to give my all, vanquishing the ‘I’ over ‘you’ that I had always done before. I am tired of believing and then being duped. I am tired of my thoughts being repeatedly raped and my emotions being molested time and again. For once I want to think of me, my future, my happiness, to see what life has in store for me. For once I want to challenge myself to move beyond known territory and make a mark for myself. I have so much I am indebted to, my folks who are doing their utmost to ensure that my dreams become a reality, this is the least I can do for them. I owe this to myself and to the hardwork I have put in.

In a way I am thankful to this opportunity. Had this opportunity never come my way, I would have never known the wealth of feelings people have for me and just how important they too are for me. My students face dissolving into tears made me believe again that love is really one feeling that creeps into our hearts without us being aware of it. Maybe once I am gone, people who have never really understood my worth all this while will finally wake up to reality.  Just the thought of leaving fills me with a fear of the unknown but I know I am not going to bow down to it, for I am destined for a greater role…