This maddness called ME

You know me. You know how my journey of life has been. You have witnessed it all. But you donot know who this mad person is, who writers of this blog. So just for fun, here are a few funny quirks about me.

• I'm a girl who will stick post ids all over, be it my work station, my cupboard, kitchen everywhere. It ranges from quotes, reminders, things to do/buy lists
• I am a maha lists person, i make a list for everything.
• I have a thing with washing. I am forever washing, towels, linen, clothes. If I did not have a professional career I'd be a washer woman. 
• I have a huge sock fetish. I keep buying socks. I have some 100 pairs of them, of different colour and types.
• I love reading romantic novels. I end up crying secretly. 
• I cant write fiction which is not a love story.
• I am very idealistic when it comes to relationships and love.
• I talk to myself, a lot.
• I smile in my sleep
• I am a cleanliness freak
• I simply love chocolates and ice creams
• I'm overtly sentimental and get hurt very often
• I love cooking and main meri favourite hoon! :)
• I smile when thoughts come to my head, be it while walking, shopping, or even traveling. People often think I am some weirdo
• I forgive but I never forget
• I have a phoenix tattoo and I simply love it!
• I often reply memories in my head over and over again before I fall asleep
• I love babies and my insides hurt to think of the future I have chosen for myself
• All my stuff toys have names
• I love mushrooms
• I'm a complete bookworm and spent all my money buying them
• I have curly hair and I simply love it

Btw if you haven't guessed I am a Virgo... yeah that explains the freak in me no??!!

Beginning to an End

i was so looking forward to the college to end.but what i had not anticipated even in my wildest dreams that college coming to an end, would mean not seeing you in college everyday.

those conversations through scribbling on chits,
those moments of absolute bliss,
the study sessions,
the urgent phone calls,
and midnight texts
the jittery nerves.
the silent gazes and hasty hugs.
the scribbles and doodles,
the fake tattoos and autographs
the canteen talk or bitching sessions.
the reminiscence of happier times,
the tears of anguish and distress
the smiles and promises of a better tomorrow.
will be missed.

love is hardly the word, that can express just what i feel for you, thank you for being my friend.

its my last day at college tomorrow, Wednesday is our farewell. the day i have been waiting for is here. from here, it will be an onward journey and i will make good things happen.

Hi!!

This is yet another post on Me, but honestly i cant help it, i couldn't find anything else to write na...so if you think i am becoming a narcissist with all these posts on me and life.. you are in all probability right. but no worries i will try and rectify it all once i get well a little bit.

So whats up with me? well the temperature sure is. i have caught a bad case of cold and have high fever. with my niece gone on Friday, i guess i had a bit of 'i-miss-my-niece-' syndrome too. and surely sitting in an AC auditorium for 4 and a half hours straight didn't quite help, on top of it, i returned home with high fever.

Well actually i had gone for our college campus-ing for GOOGLE. Yup you heard it right. and believe me the presentation they put up of life at Google, left me drooling and wanting and wishing i could be a apart of it. it is every media/advertising aspirants dream come true. with benefits like, pick and drop, insurance, free food and transport and phone connection, spas and massages etc. :P okay the work ambiance is to die for. okay don't jump the gun! i just sat for the written interview, they will get back to us in 3-4 weeks, then then there are 4 rounds of interviews and ultimately the selection. i just hope, wish and pray that i get in. please pray for me na..pretty polly please!!! :D :P

Just when i decided to be less of the lazy bones that i have evolved into, all my noble plans are totally wasted. our college fest:Sanskriti began from today. everyone is almost everywhere, rehearsals for fashion show dance, poetry writing etc.. and i feel totally a misfit because these things don't excite me anymore. classes too aren't on. festive ambiance reigns. Bangla rock band FOSSILS, whose lead singer Rupam sang, the song from the movie Jannat [with Emraan Hashmi] this guy has some fan base truly. when there is a live performance by Fossils, the crowd sings with him, and the crowd has a distinct voice of its own, the people are in a trance like state, they are really good. then Cassini's Division too is turning up, they too are a local band but of great repute. so this week promises to end in some fun,frolic and laughter, but you think my plans of having fun is going to be unmarred?Never! i have a test on Friday, just before the fest began on its last day!sigh! no matter what have to study for that too.. :) i guess our teachers are big patrons of 'All play and no work makes Jack a dull boy!'

Sorry people if i haven't been really frequent on your blog. my sincere apologies. I'm just bed ridden with cold and fever. pardon me. will be back visiting all your blogs in no time. till then stay happy and spread the cheer! :)

P.S- a big thank you to Anwesa, Yams [Yamini], and my twin Nikhil, for being absolute sweethearts,for their kindess and concern, they keep scolding me and ordering me to get to bed. im really touched people.thanks a ton for being such great friends!

Rotten Relatives!!

i hate socializing with my relatives. maybe i am a bit allergic to them or plain anti-social. but for me primarily the reason is their haughty nature and the tonality and choice of words. i don't really get into conflicts just avoid them like plague.

damn! this holidays, which i had carefully planned so that i could have "me"-time but instead I'm being forced to acknowledge that i haven't been active in the social circuits and that it is earning me negative marks [as i care!! :P] man! no matter what i do i cant seem to make some other plans and avoid it. I'm being grilled. no wonder i hate such relatives who force people away from them with their atrocious behaviour and then they bitch at their absence and snap when the person is forced to put up an appearance. damn!! damn!!

i don't know whats with these nosy people who are good for nothing and yet claim that they are relatives and demand attention!! really!! why this agitation you ask? well these are those pesky relatives who tell me, when are you going to do us a favour by completing your grads?as if they fund me and are my moral guardians. these people are the ones who tell me that I'm haughty because I'm studying in one of the best colleges in the city and that i choose not to spend time with them.. ludicrous!! i haven't seen people complaining because someone values studying to trivial social gatherings..

really!! :x what really bothers me is, these cousins who are almost 15-20 years my senior never bothered about me when i was younger. in fact they would not include me in any of their meets despite me begging them to allow me, saying I'm too small. and now that I'm all grown up they demand respect and attention! I'm raging here to even imagine tomorrow i have to go out to lunch at these peoples place because a cousin of mine has come down from Alaska for a few days and he will be leaving soon. because college is off now and i have nothing much planned I'm trapped into attending a social do despite not wanting to.. damn my fate!!

guys if you have such relatives..shun them or simple run away!! they are a pain in the A$$!! and do pray for me that i can endure this tyranny tomorrow without being my usual outspoken self and be the perfect darling daughter to my overtly emotional mom, who thinks the world of these trashy relatives!! :P

Childhood memories

A day off during the week [CITU has called a 24 hour nationwide bandth] is really hard to come by. since its a time off from regular monotony of life, i plan to do absolutely nothing, just let my thoughts sprout wings. its been raining all through the night and the morning too doesn't seem any different. a day like this always brings back memories. i had always wanted to grow up and had claimed that i wouldn't really regret it. i don't regret but the rapidity of my evolution really startles me! it is really unbelievable even to myself that i turn 21 in just a few more weeks, [16day :P] when did i grow up so fast? i keep asking myself. i can still see myself playing cricket with my friends on the road, with my long hair somehow knotted, in a tee and shorts. i remember how ma would get angry, thinking of all the children my daughter has to be unruly, there is not a single lady like manner in her. but hey that was me! climbing my walls, smashing window panes, running around and yelling, doing all the things that so called convent educated young ladies are not supposed to do.

i remember how i used to mastermind all great activities, from planning pajama parties to organizing Independence day function, to setting up of our headquarters, everything. it used to be so much fun. i think the poor residents of our lane must have prayed day in and day out hoping we would grow up, so as to have a good afternoon nap. i used to be an avid reader, so on my way home in a metro i would continuously read and even while ma fed me [she still does it :P] to save time. then run down immediately as the clock struck 4. at prompt 6 we would hear our mothers yell for us to get back home. with bruises and mud stains we would head straight to the washroom. even then the milk and biscuits just before study time seemed such a treat!. what i loved the best was, the first rain of the season. we would all huddle up in my terrace in our nightclothes and would have greatest time being soaked to the skin. i had not a care in the world. such wonderful times those were.

then i had my first crush and started noticing my uncouth and unruly nature. i washed and took care of my hair more consciously, skirts replaced shorts and to be looking presentable at all times seemed my very important prerogative. how angry and disgusted i used to feel because i didn't know how to be more ladylike. i remember i had attempted to put kajal for the first time and messed it up big time. for just one look of my crush id wait hours on end on the veranda. times have changed.

Druhin, my first friend on planet earth, [i know him from the time i was 2, we are friends from Montessori] exclaims how ladylike i have become, wearing distinct "girlie" clothes now, he hates me wearing kajal which now i am so adept at applying, and so very hates the fact i no longer resemble the tomboy that i used to be. but times change and so have i, but something that is hard to change is the memories. somehow even now the childhood memories seem so real and life like that i can almost see myself doing the things i once did but with a start i realize that i have moved ahead in time. what i wouldn't do if only for once i could go back in time and relive the moments, that are hard to come by.

In Quest Of Happiness!

The Happy Face:ME

I have had enough. And I am so tired and exhausted being sad and depressed. And I look so ugly too with that practiced calm on my face. Damn! I’ve been melancholy for ages it seems and now I want to smile, life is tough and no one will make it any easier for me. Then why not do something to get rid of the plague called “depression”. I made up my mind to go on a “I am going to try and be happy” drive, what I realized that no one absolutely no one had the power to make me unhappy it is me who is allowing things to effect me the wrong way, causing me to be unhappy. Why not beat my negativity and strive to be happy? I just have to add that my first day at it was a major success. I was not in pursuit of happiness, but I tried hunting it down within me. I know I am happy but it got clouded by so much of negative feelings running through me. I was angry at my peers for being so mean to me and moreover on me because I couldn’t combat their meanness, I was unhappy at Samik because he just wont give me the happiness I deserve, and I had failed to make any kind of impact on him regarding my woes; he was as indifferent as ever. Last but not the least; I was disappointed in me, that despite putting in so much of hard work I just couldn’t manage to get the right grades. God! How I had converted my mind and heart into a garbage dump but adding my negativity to already tough life! Sheesh!! I must be some mental of sorts! “Why me” thoughts didn’t help either. Terrible terrible. And yesterday while I was being narcissistic and taking my own pics, I realized I thought I looked best by appearing serious or gruff, but then out of nowhere what I was doing came to my mind and I actually smiled and that very moment the flash went off and the pic was well.. Nice! I mean I can look good even while smiling so why wasn’t I? God! I must have been so mad to indulge myself with the negativity that always threatens to overpower us.

Earlier I was this bindas girl! Tomboyish, I dint have the worry in the world. But I had troubles too; regarding my crush on whom I had been crushing for 4 long years, my nagging parents who wanted me to get good grades in mathematics and I was never interested to comply to their wishes [ I was a rebel to the core]. I had fun to the full blast! I was always up to something, a naughty smile always perched on my lips, in my free time I was always planning new ways to combat mom and dad when they forced me to do something I just hated. I even devised an ingenious plan to rebel against mom, who never allowed me to read mills and boons. I got a stack of the books, put them in a polly bag and then tied a string to it and I lowered it from the terrace to the window of the bathroom which only I used. Obviously what followed were long, longer and longest bathroom sessions, I used to be in there for hours reading the books, the pot became my throne and the books my septre and the bathroom my kingdom, just to think I defeated mom at her game filled me up with a renewed glee …. There was never a situation I couldn’t control to my best advantage. I would run about with no concern of my long flowing hair, which needed care, climbing up some wall or another or going on long cycle rides or playing cricket on the streets with boys. Mom used to be hopping mad seeing a 14year old jumping around in the locality. God! What days those were… then what happened? I grew up! Lol! Or so I thought :P disgusting then I became prim and proper, I started to take care of myself and worrying about things that I could afford not to, no parents didn’t encourage me for the change I did, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.

I know now it’s different, then I was 13 and now I am 20… but who cares... I am still young and the child in me hasn’t yet grown up, even though my mind has, I can still learn things in life without changing myself. One day of forcefully trying to be happy has taught me that I don’t have to force anything on me, naturally I am a happy person, its just that I tend to think and indulge myself in my thoughts a bit too much. I am a very optimistic person, seeing people depressed or indulging into pessimism has an impact on me too. I guess I have been reading or deal with a bit too many unhappy people who prefer to bask in their unhappiness and misfortune instead or trying to get out of it. Yesterday I lone diya taught me so much. In a room, pitch dark, a lone diya brightened up the whole room and also the adjacent one. Optimism and happiness are such things, if you are happy and positive you make others think the way you do and this way good cheer spreads so. I just hope someday I am able to emit so much happiness that others around will be equally happy and spread it. There will be enough time to cry and mourn. People come and go, friends become strangers, death distances everyone from their loved one, but isn’t it how it should be sooner or later? We are born to live, so what not make the full use of it? Trust me it feels great to smile, to feel the warm fuzzy feeling to spread all over. Its easier to bask in our pain and agony, sulking over how it hurts will make things just worse, why not defeat it all and let happiness ooze out which is dying to overflow with just try to free it… why not let the spirits fly… [in total fhilmi ishtyle] kya pata kal ho na ho [who knows if there is a tomorrow or not] :D

i am happy..... are you??

i dont think i could have celebrated my 200th post in any better way!

Congratulations Bloggy!!!

happy birthday!

I have finally come back to blogging after a small break due to internet connection not being there. My blog keeps me sane and posts are my motivation and without it I felt like a fish out of water. But thanks heavens I am back with my mate, my blog..

I came across in Annie’s blog her memories of childhood and that triggered off a series of things within me. Today I saw her, after 2 whole years. We stood 10 yards away from each other and she stared back blankly and eventually she turned away. I stood smiling ruefully at a childhood friend gone astray, never to come back again. Then even I moved away and went on my way. Yes I have grown up.

I was then in fifth grade. On one rainy day I had stood with two of my closest friend, exclaiming to them how the next year we will move on to sixth form and that too in the senior building, this realization filled us with a sense of adulthood and importance. That day the building right across the road: our senior school seemed like paradise and a gateway to adulthood. Then came the dream of college, it came and went away. And now on the threshold of adulthood, [I’m turning twenty] the normal excitement and fun is not there. Now I know what actually adulthood means. Not just fun and independence but it entails a lot of adult problems. But then with each stage we get the maturity to deal with it too.

In the eve of my twentieth birthday all the memories of childhood, seems to come back. As if to guide me into the dawn of adulthood. In the course of time people have come, only to go away and some have stayed back, maybe for a lifetime. The people who are still there holding my hand and helping me to let go but not to forget my childhood.

Mom presented me a gold chain for my birthday, said she wanted to give me something that I ll value all my life. And I really do, this is my first real jewellary and it feels great to make myself worthy enough to get such a gift. Today she related anecdotes of my childhood and that really made me realize the weight of the truth: that it is finally time to grow up. To forget my childish ways, to preserve my innocence and take the responsibility. Today I promise myself to remember all the good memories, forget the bad and let go of the people who are no longer there in my life, and truly make a new start.

Happy Birthday to me!

me!

I wish my mind was a laptop.Then the thoughts going through my mind could easily be stored to be posted later as a blog post.While at college,or on the bus ride to my tuition's or on my walk home,amidst people or simply while lazing around there are trillions of things that keeps running through my mind.I make a mental note,sometimes i even list them down,but its never the same.its tough to recall every thought in its minutest detail.Shame really!!I've become a tad bit dishonest to my blog lately.I still do blog about my life,my thoughts and feelings.however i have become a bit selective over the topics i choose to blog about:specially ever since my post "surviving times",unwanted bloggers still lurked around trying to seek voyeuristic pleasure.Anyways,i had made a list of topics to blog about this month and they are almost all done,you see i am passionate about my blog,she is my best friend you know...are you smirking at me for making lists and note about this??well,go on laugh at me but i can't help it,i am a perfectionist.I simply can't deal with lackadaisical people,or unplanned things,a crease here or there,bad handwriting or even people with atrocious manners and idiosyncrasies.It totally FREAKS me out!!Gawd!!i get nervous and hyper when things happen unplanned.I just hate loosing games.I'm practical,meticulous and i analyze ALOT!Ok so i am a carbon copy of Monica from the famous sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S.I am a freak so??

Apna Sapna MONEY MONEY !!!

Since I have blogged about almost everything connected to me I however think it’s extremely unfair not to write about my spending habits… people have strange habits when it comes to spending….some spend money or balance ….some are stingy… and the third category of people… that is me…the saver. This I am sure is going to make many laugh and many wish that they were like me, but, straight from the horse’s mouth despite being “the saver” its almost like a an illness…..

I get a decent pocket money…to most it will be a fat one…. But since I get the money on a daily basis I feel extremely handicapped because the amount I save could be more if I had been given pocket money like most in the beginning on the month…. A fear always works behind me that I haven’t saved enough of that the target I had set for me to save hadn’t been reached yet…or the fact that I haven’t had time to visit the bank to deposit the regular amount of money that I vowed that I would in the beginning of the month… little by little I have quite a niche… but even that doesn’t seem enough….its not as if I am a miser and that I don’t spend …I actually do…I go dutch with friends and samik… I indulge in shopping for my necessities ranging from clothes to earrings, bags to shoes…. Just the thing that matters more is saving up!

Recently my dad required some immediate cash that he would return once the back would open on Monday, since it was the weekend …. He first quoted an amount. Seeing his hesitation I asked what the actual amount was that he wanted and he reluctantly replied…and I said I’d help him out since I have an ATM ....he nearly fell off the chair…in amazement and shock…because as far as he knew I had deposited an amount 9 months back while opening an account even during the course of a few months he hadn’t even dreamed that I could almost double the amount….aint i a good girl!

People who are close to me know that I am a bit dishonest when it comes to taking money from dad regarding college fees…and why wont I? its just my charge, to take transport money which in turn is also my pocket money lol! What do I do with the cash? simple I save! If I donot have a decent amount stashed away…I feel bankrupt or rather worthless… and this anxiety is not a make believe thing…I actually spend sleepless nights to think how is it that I can improve my finances…where this particular friend of mine keeps urging me to take a cab home or even buy that ipod I have been craving for or even the cam cell…. I give a nonchalant nod and give a knowing smile and say “naaaah!...nothing doing gotta save up!”