why is it that i cant belive a word that you say...

your promises seem fake,

the emotions make belief

and the assurances all hollow??

has the pain and anguish that i have been through, made me immune to you?

or have i just fallen out of love?

Insecurities

Insecurity is one of those negative feelings that comes to us when we feel threatened or the fear of losing someone gets to us. we have all faced insecurity some point of time in life. and we all know even though having an insecurity is not exactly a good thing we understand why it happens. most often the one who is in no way responsible for arousing such feels loses out on a good friendship just because another person has insecurities about him/her, sometimes the reasons for such insecurity is not valid at all.

The reason i am writing about this is because not only have i been infected by insecurity but i have also been affected by it too at some point in my life. and here is what i feel. sometimes insecurities are justified and sometimes not.. I'm sure many think what do you mean by justified.. what i simply mean is...sometimes we do things that purposely sets off the other person... but then there are times our respective others/close friends feel all insecure about a few other friends or a friend for no reason. there is a catch, most of my friends claim that they have been victimised where they lost out on a friend because their bf/gf has had a problem with him/her. in someway we are all the butt of insecurities whether we ourselves harbour it or we are subjected to it.. 

Now what do you do if you respective other is insecure about a particular friend. what do you do? give up your friend for your boy friend/ girl friend ?? what is your take on insecurities?

P.S- answering the questions is a must... and my answer will be posted as a comment..

Introspection

Kolkata experienced the beginning of the monsoons with the cyclone ‘aila’ yeah right that’s precicely what most of us felt like when the news greeted us first thing in the morning. It was a destructively beautiful day, with strong gusts of wind stormed through the entire house, windows slammed and ambience was punctuated with regular breaking of glass and yells. It was an ominously exciting experience. When i went out in the late afternoon despite the warnings from Met department what i saw struck me with awe, destruction reigned, trees uprooted, people were dead and yet life seemed to go one even when the rains poured relentlessly. And how symbolic it was it reflected the storm that raged within me. Someone who loves the rain, these few days will be all that I will ever be able to experience from now on.

Preparations are on at home, with lists made and all, there is a strange finality in the air. Like ma exclaims, that she feels like she is marrying me off forever, and in a way it is so true. Once I leave chances of coming back to the city is so remote that I am rather unnerved by it all. Yes this is a dream of a lifetime, I wont back down or give it up but I know it is feat that would squeeze everything out me, it scares me. I have never stayed away from home for a long period of time and everytime I am away from familiar things I feel life go out of me. I know you will tell me it is a phase it will pass and I will settle down, and that people before me have done it and people after me will do it. I know, but it doesn’t make my ordeal any less. Even though such apprehensions reign my heart, I am a picture of poise and calm, my mind is as strong as steel.

 It is funny how, when you reach a socially agreeable position in life, there are people who flock you, who appreciate you and would do anything to gain favour with you. I saw this first hand with not just my peers but with others who earlier wouldn’t care much about me. Truly all my patience and tolerance of social anomaly has paid of. There was a time when a word said by me was slighted and was never believed, but today since all my words have come true I am in vogue, the most sought after.

 Is it wrong that after all the anguish I have gone through, I am happy that I want to for once live my life for myself? And give less priority to those who have slighted me before?

 I surprise myself each time, with the strength I feel within me and the conviction with which I deal with him. Last few months has been especially harsh on me. I was full of bitterness and anger. I have desired acceptance, I have craved love from people who have just insulted and humiliated me and I could do nothing to put an end to it. I had just tried to be patient and bear it all up in hope for my time to come and it has. Now I don’t want to be appreciated or accepted by them, I don’t need them around anymore. In a month and half I will be far far away from them, creating a life for myself one that is befitting me and one that I deserve, with them not being around to cast a shadow of misgivings on my life. I have endured much but not anymore.

 Is it wrong NOT to believe someone who repeatedly professes his feelings to you and makes tall promises but never ever fulfils them?

 I don’t like to hurt anyone. It does not bring me joy if I refuse a person for anything. But I am incapable to give my all, vanquishing the ‘I’ over ‘you’ that I had always done before. I am tired of believing and then being duped. I am tired of my thoughts being repeatedly raped and my emotions being molested time and again. For once I want to think of me, my future, my happiness, to see what life has in store for me. For once I want to challenge myself to move beyond known territory and make a mark for myself. I have so much I am indebted to, my folks who are doing their utmost to ensure that my dreams become a reality, this is the least I can do for them. I owe this to myself and to the hardwork I have put in.

In a way I am thankful to this opportunity. Had this opportunity never come my way, I would have never known the wealth of feelings people have for me and just how important they too are for me. My students face dissolving into tears made me believe again that love is really one feeling that creeps into our hearts without us being aware of it. Maybe once I am gone, people who have never really understood my worth all this while will finally wake up to reality.  Just the thought of leaving fills me with a fear of the unknown but I know I am not going to bow down to it, for I am destined for a greater role… 

I wish i could just lie in a corner

waiting for death to come to me.

I wish i could cry my eyes out

and yell till the pain in me subsides.

I wish i could question god

"why me?"

I wish i could write my own destiny

and paint a pretty picture.

I wish i could just wake up one morning

to feel nothing anymore

I wish someday my memory fails me

and i dont remember any thing anymore.

I wish... how i wish...

Next stop Bengaluru:IIJNM has been Rakafied!!

This has to be one of the happiest day of my life. Everyone grows up learning to dream dreams, then as we grow up we realize that making dreams come true is not a mean feat, you face disappointment, hurdles in life; many are not fortunate enough to get their dreams to blossom but i must among the chosen few to see my dreams come true. Ever since i can remember, way back in Class 5, i wrote an essay on'My ambition in life' and my teacher really applauded me for writing a profession that not many knew:journalism. and since then the dream has lived on.. and today is the day when my childhood dream has become my reality

I have got through in IIJNM, Bangalore, in Television Journalism

This morning a parcel arrived, which is like a routine thing these days with so many colleges i had applied to, constantly brochures and admit card keeps pouring in, so i didn't make anything of it when i gently cut the envelope and took the brochure out, i thought it must be the admit card of this college for which i have an exam next week..but voila reading the letter i thought i was reading all wrong...but hey the letter was from IIJNM telling me i got through.. it was one 'Oscar winning moment for me.. i couldn't believe that i had actually gotten through... im still reading and re-reading the letter even now.. and it hasnt sunk in yet that i really have gotten through :)

Last Thursday i got a call from IIJNM stating that i have a telephonic interview the very next day.. my semesters were on and i was under immense pressure with semesters and then entrances.. the Alchemist here was Mayank who really calmed me down and made me go through a mock interview and really helped tons and tons to boost my confidence..the interview went at 11 and then at 3.20 i get a call from them to sit for an entrance test.. i was ready to collapse just when i thought i could relax and study for the next day..i had to write a test, that too out of the blue with no preparation somehow i managed to go to a cyber cafe.. and amidst yells and screams from some fellows who were playing FIFA.. and it was raining cats and dogs and i had a 15 min exams which squeezed every bit out of me...when the ordeal ended i just collapsed ... i don't know how i managed to study for the next day but i know i just did... really it was hectic and now... 7 days to the date... here i am ... all my worries about my future put to rest..and i am at peace...what with no re-applying in JU, many said i was taking a major risk that i may end up doing nothing..but i am glad the gamble paid off.. now maybe its time to change the 'about me' column on my blog.. :)

The people who were really instrumental in my success is first and foremost Harshita.. who never made me loose faith and belief in my abilities ..there was a time i was wondering if i would be able to apply in any of the colleges..but she had faith i would apply and get through...then Shubhankar without whom IIJNM would have been a lost dream...he guided me through all my admission procedures..reminding me of the formalities, telling me what to study and in turn encouraging me to delivering my best, not just that he ensured that that essay i had sent with my application was the best they could find..for that i will be forever grateful to him..Mayank who took time out of his busy schedule and mentored me... his contribution in a way paved way for my achievement today...he had faith on me and made me have faith on myself.. Thank you guys for being my pillar's of support .. for being there when i needed the most... 

the feelings running through my mind at the moment are happiness, relief and immense gratitude.. i am glad i could keep the honour of my words to all those to whom i had emphatically said that 'i would leave' and that ' i would someday show them that i had it in me to prove myself' thank you god for reaffirming to me that i am not ordinary that i can do anything i set my mind to. that i am cut out for a bigger role. thank you for thinking i deserve this opportunity. i am humbled and grateful. i wish now i can hold my head high up and live life on my terms.  be with me and trust me i will never let you down. i know to make my dreams come true i have two beautiful people, ma and baba who are doing their utmost for me, it is a huge risk, let me never ever to let them down, be with me as i set forth to do what i am chosen to do and do them proud. thank you god for thinking me worthy of this oppertunity...i am humbled and grateful to you...

P.S- So sorry for the long long post.. its just that i am happy and relieved...

Etched on the wings of change...

Not everything in life turns out to be the way we want it.

Sometimes it is better we let go..

Even though it may be the most painful thing to do

To see something you nurtured, 

To fall to its fate but then it is the right thing to do

No matter just how agonising it may be

In the battle of the heart and mind,

Sometimes one must rely on the mind

For not always what the heart desires is right.

Sooner or later reality will sink in,

Then the pain of goodbyes will rip me apart.

Till then, i pray to bear it all bravely, 

To have the strength to move on and never look back,

For it is the right thing to do.

Graduate... Almost!

Its OVER!! Finally my college life comes to an End!

What struck me while writing the last few lines of my paper was.. soon my exams will come to an end... what hadn't yet registered on my mind was that with the end of my exams.. my college life too came to an end.. not that i am very sentimental about leaving college and friends but still there was a sense of deja vu... and the worst part is i realized it once it was all over...

You it always happens.. in this rat race of life.. where almost every moment symbolizes a struggle to survive, where the fittest survives...we always focus on the goal, like.. the college we want to get in..or the job we want etc but we are surprised when one day reach the goal... maybe that is what has happened to me.. i have been focusing on getting out of college that i forget the moment has come and gone by.. but in a way its good because if i had put too much thought into it maybe i would have been distracted during my exams.. in times of extreme tension when i feel like giving up this particular poem called If  by Rudyard Kipling... gives me immense courage and strength to go on... the lines that i so love are ..

"If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!"

One of the highlights of today was.. that my last day at JU as a student and as well as my last day of college life was spent sitting side by side the one person i began my college life with in the same room it had all begun.. Shubhankar is such a moron i tell you.. he is this weird sort of a guy..despite being my good friend he never feels an urge to sit by me.. if i drag him [which i do most of the time] he does but if he is left to his own devices then he sits where ever or whoever catches his fancy..damn him! and you can imagine my surprise when he came over to me and filled in the vacant seat right next to me.. and gave me a look? as if to say.. "what??! i felt like sitting here don't make it a big deal now!" damn the moron!! and double damn him.. he is partially challenged in  hearing and dint get what i was asking him in the examination hall and when he got what i asked him.. he didn't have a clue... and the super moron gets all senti only after hours of coming back home... and when i was around or rather when i was willing to be around he was busy trying to get me home and get back to doing some work!! pond scum... but having said and done.. Shubhankar has been an absolute gift to me.. someone i always relied on and never got disappointed..whether it is ripping off his notes for me.. or literally dictating me my assignment.. or patiently repeating and re-repeating his explanations .. or being extremely patient with me when i give him the look "i don't know what the hell you are saying..???"..and now that college has come to an end.. I'm really going to miss him telling me everyday "you really are looking hot.." or "three years has gone by and we still havent done it.. lets do it" and id surprise him each time by saying "yea lets... but lets find a vacant room for doing or do you wanna do it here"... i don't know where we will be placed in life.. im sure he will have a bright future... he is bound too..morons have all the luck :)  but no matter what he will surely be the godfather to my kids!! 

The thoughts that are coursing through my mind at the moment is that of relief and a sense of timelessness reigns.. i cant belive that not only my exams, my college life has come to an end.. i feel all grown up as if i have scale mount Everest! God! when I was a little girl, i couldn't imagine studying beyond Class 12 but then when i was in Class 12 i couldn't think beyond graduation here i am at the threshold of Graduation and i desire to further my education.. with my student clearing her  class 10.. i feel its like yesterday i was where she is now but that was something that happened almost 5 years to this day! :O i wonder where did these days go?! Yes yes i am all overwhelmed with this sudden transition but then i love this feeling when despite knowing the truth the truth yet hasn't sunk in!! anyway this is it.. this post is a fitting end to my college life!

  ~The End~

P.S- To see the pictures of the last few days of my college life..check orkut...search me out with Phoenix. ... i will update my photoblog soon and the pictures will be up there too :)

P.P.S- Dont worry about my absense on all your blogs and the missing blog link.. its all taken care of. earlier i couldnt visit blogs as i had not put it up after i changed the template.. i will be back to reading your blogs in no time!! 

Fleeting Emotions...

The past two weeks have been really rough on me... with hordes of entrances... and semesters knocking at my door.. i have hardly slept for 10 hours in the last 72 hours.. i didnt have the time to even breath let alone to heave a sigh....yea i know you couldn't guess with the regular flow of posts and all.. :) but that's how i am.. i blog like crazy when all i should be doing is study.. like i should now.. ya i have one more test to go.. that is tomorrow :) now now don't get angry... i will make it all in good time..trust me...blogging is therapeutic for me...yes i have an accute case 'blog-o-mania" :)

As i type this I'm caressed by the cool breeze that whisper of the storm that is soon to follow...i feel a lot empty inside...my niece has gone back home or the next few days to be with her parents and here i am feeling a lot lost.. i don't know which one is better..cribbing that she practically sleeps all over me ensuring that i have a eventful night battling her kicks and snuggles.. or miss the warmest of hugs i get before i finally succumb to sleep.. since she came to live with me with measles life is no longer the same...my room has been taken over..even my cupboards captured but strangely today almost 4 months to the date..i feel so accomplished and so peaceful.. because with her mere presence Roshni [my niece] just calms me down and fills colour to my life... inventing a new name everyday, or scurrying home, or surprising her with little somethings every time i return home, to those delightful melting moments when delighted by the money i give her she runs to the shop near by for her favourite ice-cream to those sneaky chocolate sessions... these now seems such an integral part of my life.. i wonder what i am to do if i am to leave the city.. or how she is going to survive once i am gone.. :) kids are such  darlings i tell you.. to have such darlings I'm ready to overcome my phobia about giving birth it really is worth it...

ICSE results were declared today and my student fared really well and i feel so proud of her. We started of being teacher and student but at the end of an year I'm her mentor and then her friend. Knowing the mental conditions she was going through from almost every quarter of life, its a miracle she did so well.. and i am one happy teacher.. it feels great finally to see something you gave life to become successful it is one hell of a accomplished feeling... Congratulations Sushmita!! here's to newer shores and broader horizons!! Cheers!! :)

I have been having pretty harrowing time.. with a range of emotions changing with rapid succession.. fear, anger,depression,hope,anger, happiness and despair and hope again..not it is not just PMS but life for sure...i feel i have aged manifold in the month..i could have broken down in despair and given up the fight but i choose not to, i took risks.. i did whatever i could to nurse my dream and see it to completion... the rest.. is on God and what he wants to fashion my life...but whatever it is.. i am ready...i am ready to give it my best, to dare to dream, to achieve and face the verdict whatever it maybe... 

After more than a year of despair... there is a glimmer of hope...prayers maybe answered..labour may just be rewarded... *keeping my finger crossed*  may peace and prosperity be restored, may the good times come, and are here to stay..

the storm clouds seems to have been blown away... literally soo.. :( so this is to be a rain-less night! sigh! damn! yes now i must get back to my books... tadaaa :)

Echoes...

When the heart is raped, repeatedly

Not a wound or drop of tear 

Bear witness.

When disillusionment comes about,

All that is left, is a dream

That has died several deaths 

Naked Thoughts

I have been plagued by this thought and i just cant help but ask you guys something... 

Does being in a relationship make it mandatory for a

 girl to comply to the advances of her guy,

even if she doesnt not want it, or is not in a mood for it?

Does the girl have a right/ choice to refuse the guy??

And if the guy forces himself on the girl 

[that is if she doesnt want it and he goes ahead]

can a girl term it as molestation?

Now a little personal question.. its ok if you choose not to answer but if you can i will really be obliged.

Is feelings important in an intimate situation? 

or its ok if he/she has feelings.. if they dont then just go ahead and enjoy the moment

Disclaimer: the author does not wish to generalize.. she is just curious... :)

My Social Skills

I'm frankly a bit bored... but then both literally and from life.. so thats why i have gone through these tests..which reveal a lot about my social skills and if you [guys not girls] like what you read, then you can send in your applications...offer lasts till mood lasts.... Mayank.. i hope you are listning.. send me your xerox copy... :) :P

Your Hair Should Be Red

Passionate, fiery, and sassy. You're a total smart aleck who's got the biggest personality around. Your Seduction Style: Prized Object The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor. You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for. You Are Wine You are very naturally sexy and inviting. You don't have to try too hard. The longer people spend time with you, the more drawn in they become. You believe that seduction shouldn't be rushed, you like to savor every moment. Going too fast kills the excitement. You like to indulge all of your senses. Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge You know how to make your man crave more of you But you also know when to show some interest back You're good at keeping your guy guessing And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel For the Capricons out there "im ready to mingle" :P You Attract a Capricorn When down to earth, responsible, loyal Capricorn meet you, they've met their match. You are as ethical as Capricorn, and they respect your values. You are also able to be a loyal and caring partner to your Capricorn, even when times are tough. You are there to cheer up or motivate your Capricorn - which never goes unappreciated. now this is what i believe You Don't Need a Man ... or Want One! Generally, you're very happy being a single woman. And anyone who has a problem with that... well, that's there problem. Not that you wouldn't share your life with the almost perfect guy. You simply won't settle though. Your life is too good to share with some substandard man! You Are Extremely Charming When someone talks to you, they feel like they are the most interesting person in the world. And for you in that moment, they actually are. You truly care about the people you're around, and it's obvious to everyone who meets you. You are open, warm, friendly, and welcoming. You epitomize charm. You Are Snow You are peaceful and calm. You are able to enjoy each moment. You have a pure, gentle spirit. People automatically trust you. You have a playful, adventurous spirit. You still feel like a kid. You are able to find the joy in any situation. You are blissful.

Happy Birthday Anwesa!!!

Today is the birthday of a really beautiful soul who is not only my friend but also my bindh [my hubby :P] as she turns a year older here’s wishing her nothing but the very best in life. May she scale heights of success and may happiness be hers now and always.

Anwesa has been my biggest critique and comfort when it comes to life and my feeble attempts at writing fiction. She is the one person who pursues me with a whip [almost] to write a post a day, she obsesses with Neel and Noyona [my fictional characters] much more than I do, and pushes me up the wall to bring them back to life time and again and is a creative help each time I’m facing a writers block. Most of my posts are written just to please her. What draws me to Anne as I lovingly call her, is her simple and heart warming ways, she always remembers smallest of things about me and takes an active interest in whatever happens in my life. She is also probably the only one who believes what I have to say and I don’t ever need to convince her by saying ‘really’ or ‘trust me’ she is one of the brightest spots in my life and she is one of the reasons why I make it a point to come online even though I have nothing much to post.

With her awful PJ’s to funny innuendos, to the beautiful poetic creations and real like fiction.. She is a package of everything nice... And she is a pure delight. Along with a few others she is my support systems in the virtual world, and there is nothing virtual about us. From being acquaintances in blog-world to being friends over gtalk, we have come a long long way…she is now indispensable to me…

Happy birthday Anwesa!!

Here’s wishing you happiness galore and blog full of posts!!


Love you loads

With muwaaahs pouring in,

Hugs

Yours truly,

One and only
BINDNI :)

P.S- Anwesa I remembered your birthday alright I can never forget my bind’s birthday now can I?

P.P.S- please scroll down to the post below and leave a comment ... i will feel highly obliged... thank you in advance :)

To be a woman....

Disclaimer: the author writes the following based on her personal experience. She does not wish to generalize. She holds respect for women and men alike and in no way does she suggest that her experiences as the norm. She firmly believes in exception as a rule.

I have been reading Rabindranath’s short stories along with Ashapurna Devi and a few others, trust me its strictly related to the course at college. The literature pieces we are studying are from the perspective of Indian society and the position of women that was prevalent in the 19th century Bengal. While reading what shocked me, being a 21st century woman, is the way the women were treated then but what absolutely appalled me was, when I tried to co-relate what I learnt with my immediate reality, only to realize we are maybe a little better off but that is only in degrees but the whole issue however remains the same.

I have been brought up in a convent background for 14 years of my life, which I believe makes me different from the rest of my peers. A convent upbringing gives one a highly European stylized life, where a woman is not just taught good manners and just how to be dainty and polite but she is taught to be independent, to question what she receives and to have an opinion and to express it. I believe I have greatly imbibed these qualities which has forever placed me in the firing line of the society I’m seated in. The reason I say this is because of the conflict I have had to face in every aspect of life.

From the time I was an adolescent I was rebellious, fiercely independent, I had a mind of my own and I always stood up for what I believed was right. Over the years I may have become a little mild but I do retain most of my wild streak. Most often I have had to hear “having an opinion of your own isn’t that good for a woman, you must look out” or while helping out mom with making parathas I have had to hear “its good that you are finally taking an interest in these things, this will come handy when you are at your in-laws” or “you are a girl, so you should quit thinking of leaving the city and engage yourself in a teaching course, it is by far the safest” these may sound outrageous to a 21st century woman however these are a reality, and trust me not just mine. Thankfully I have parents who support me in my ambitions, and despite being 21 and going to be a graduate soon, they haven’t yet broached the topic of marriage yet; honestly I feel thankful, for the world subjects me to a forceful realization that I am a girl and there are a set pattern that I need to follow.

I have noticed from my personal experience that often daughters and daughter-in-laws are treated differently, yes even in 21st century. When it comes to dreams of their daughter they go out in support but when it comes to the daughter in laws the conventions and traditions step in. Moreover the groom’s family often put on an air of being superior to the bride’s, an age old mal-practice still exists, where for no apparent reason the grooms family get all snooty and high handed over the brides even though the bride maybe greater in terms of education or culture. The men I have come across are really well turned out, they are opinionated, they stand by what they believe in, they allow their women to be the person they are, and respect them for that, however coming across men who do have an education to boost of and well placed in life but despite that they are male chauvinists in hiding and think being with a girl means owning her, this leaves a bitter taste in my mouth to see men who go out of their way to woo a girl but fail to give her, her due when it comes to standing up for her and his choices.

When faced with such situations and judging by the way I violently react to such gender based partiality I am subjected to I am forced to wonder if for me my education has been beneficial or not. My education tells me to protest and not given in to the sheer humiliation I am subjected to because I am a girl. But convention tells me a girl needs to compromise a lot and accommodate a lot of things in life, and if not done so then she has to face bitter consequences. If I react to the gender biases then I become arrogant and haughty and if I don’t I am being a coward for not standing up to what I believe is right. If I don’t keep mum I’m likely to have a tumultuous life, beset with difficulties., and this makes me come to a cross-road where I am to decide which path is right for me.

Sometimes I wish I had a general education then maybe I would have not reacted to such atrocities and took whatever comes my way without questioning. Is there no way out? Are women only meant to suffer and endure without complaining or questioning? I’m about to take a major decision in life soon, my mind tells me it will be an uphill task if I agree because I am what I am and to have a smooth life I need to endure whatever comes my way, which I don’t think I am capable of. But then again if I choose to stand by what I believe I wonder if ever I will be in a different situation than this, because even though exceptions are the rule. They are few and far between.

Finally it Rained!!

Phew! finally it rained.... after a period of 8 days of continuous heat wave.. last evening finally the Norwesters descended... it was a relief.. with the storm blowing away the curtains.. the windows slamming...the cool breeze instilling a fresh new breath to life... finally the Kolkattans yesterday heaved a sigh of relief! 

if last night was one of the coolest and most pleasant nights of this summer season...today was simply spectacular...i woke up to a distinct chill making it impossible to continue sleeping... the sun didn't wake me up rudely this time.. and it was sheer bliss to snuggle in within sheets cuddling up to my niece...sigh! i couldn't thank god enough for this day.. for a day like this.. with clouds mystifying the sky...the sun nowhere in sight and the temperatures going down several notches...having to go to college or to study on a day like this is a crime...

It didn't take long for the threats of the cloud to turn to a reality...it poured cats and dogs.. relentlessly...and we all got a breather...with the heat wave forgotten for the moment.. its a perfect time to go for walks in the rain kissed streets..with hand in hand with that special one..to drop in at the local tea-walla...or the CCD and enjoying a hot cuppa... or sitting in the car with that special someone and watching the rains stain the glass... its just splendid! sigh!  

P.S; yeah yea its yet another rain post... but i do get to gloat 'i told you so' now didn't i?? :D!!

P.P.S: BTW guess what?? my Tamil exam finished.. nothing spectacular to talk about...but then i know i will pass. now that's what i call relief!! :D  so that's just 3 more exams to go... :) 

Mother's day!

Yea i remember its mothers day.. i think every dutiful child will wish their mother on such a beautiful occasion... I'm just plain handicapped when it comes to such things...its just that i feel plain awkward... i read quite a few posts on mothers day and i felt i just had to write this one.. and this is just for my ma...

Dear Ma,

you know i really do remember its mothers day. no i didn't wish you because i don't you are worth it.. but i didn't because i couldn't muster the courage to do it..but as i read scores of posts celebrating mothers day i feel ashamed... ashamed that even though i feel the love, even though i want to i cant just walk up to you.. i know its as simple as walking to you and hug you tight and whisper it to you...i just wish i wasn't this way... i wish i could make you feel on top of the world on this day...

i wish i could just get you the breakfast in bed... but i didn't do it because i didn't want you to think i am capable of doing it. i feared that you will make me do it everyday if you knew i could.. :D somethings i just love you doing it... know what?? no matter what happens i love being fed by you.. its not that I'm lazy or i just want to create more troubles for you... its just that i love it this way... no i will never ever admit it to you.. :)

i wish i could gift you something worthwhile... but i cant now... but trust me... i will someday... i will give you a comfortable life, lots of love and all that you deserve but never got...but more than which i will make you proud.. i will be someone and then you can flaunt me with your friends...

know what ma? we have these huge fights... massive ones...and it really bugs me when you cry... because all i want is for you to fight me..not because i enjoy a good fight[ yea i do..] but i want you to stand up for yourself... sometimes i feel like your mom than you as mine.. because you are just to soft hearted..you just are plain lucky you have dad as your hubby who keeps you like a some china doll.. and shields you from all hardship.. but i want you to be independent to walk away from dad's shadow and show the world you can.. because i know you can.. and i know how you hate being totally dependent on others... here's something i want to tell you.. yea we do have these serious fights.. i do tell you terrible things.. but an argument doesn't mean i hate you... it just means we have our difference of opinion...it just pains me to see you nurture the wrong notion that i don't care a bit.. i may seem stoic but I'm not... i do care.. believe me i do.. :) nope id never say these things to you ever...

you know i truly feel blessed having you as my mom... yeah i know you will probably have a heart attack if you read or if you knew this one... but i do.. trust me i have been feeling a whole lot confident about my life ahead because of you.. since the day you changed your notion about my leaving the city [ earlier: "isn't there a good college in kolkata? do you have to leave?" now: "go live your life... have the career you want.. I'm there for you.."] you have no idea just how much it means to me...with your belief on me, i know i can if i try... you are always a comfort when i make you choose fingers, trying in my silly immature ways to determine if i will actually get through the college i want...and every time you choose the wrong finger.. and i ask you "ma i will get through na? i wont have to stay here na?" you boost my confidence by saying "why not? you deserve it... you have worked hard.."

ma i wont ever say these things ever in as many words... i never will.. but i know if i did it would have made life a lot better for you.. i know you think you have two daughters who are nothing like you...who are always warring with you...all you need to do is to see beyond that strong stoic exterior... read in between my lines... look into my eyes... even though you have a rebellious daughter... who will ensure you have tears in your eyes.. who will not listen to a word you say... who will never be what you want her to be... but you have a daughter who loves you... who doesn't know how to say it...

i wish you and dad had a bit more faith on me... i wish you guys could take me for granted, and believe that id be there for you. despite being born a girl... i know society believes that girls are born to be being married and gone,one can hardly do anything for their parents but you know i am the son you never had...believe that i will never let you down.. believe that i can give up my dreams and the one person i love if only to please you.. know that for me you and dad comes first... know that even though a thing doesn't appear doesn't mean it doesn't exist.. know that i love you.. i really do....

with lots of love hugs and kisses... i hope dad wont mind will he??... now now i hope you wont spank me.. you know I'm a big perverted soul when it comes to you..i still enjoy sleeping with you on summer afternoons you know.. :P [all puns intended :D ] mom with you i know i can dare... because you are you.. my mom... and don't ever forget i was the first one to tell you what a 'smooch' was... and those demonstrations too!! :)

Here's wishing you a very happy mothers day!! may i be blessed with you as my mom forever and always.... you are my super mom... with your generous heart, kind nature.. tearful ways and you beautiful smile...

and o yeah... please come out of the cold attitude you have adopted towards me of late due to the fight we had on last Tuesday.. i have forgotten it by the way!! and I'm rather scared dad will notice and ask me why things are so stiff!! come on now... smile :) and lets kiss and make up? mwuaah... that was a smooch you know.. if you let me that is....

love you ma... just be the inspiration you are to me always.. and do keep smiling... because you look like a dragon ready to explode when you don't smile :) and that makes me feel scared... :)

your rebellious

Pupu

P.S: do read this I'm sure you will like it.. its an earlier post of mine.. i had by mistake deleted it... but somehow i managed to retrieve it... its befitting this situation.. would love it if you comment on this one.. please... sorry for the trouble

P.P.S: i dint mean to get all senti here... but when it comes to mothers one cant help it... :)

P.P.P.S: do scroll down to the previous post too please.. yea this means its two posts in a span of a few hours... blame it on exam tensions please... :)

Just for laughs!

These are just something i found in my mail... and i wanted to share them... :)

NOW i know why Samik never wins an argument. Its not you.. its got to do with your gender pal!

Watch and learn!!

click to enlarge

The Heat wave has been upped in Kolkata... its 43 degrees... the hottest in almost 59 years... its  even more harsh with the humidity at 90% and the MET doesn't forecast any rains in the near future..damn! i feel like the ice creams i have..who melt even before i open their packs...its atrocious and to add to it the LOO...na silly not bathroom the breeze wala loo...chee chee what not you guys think... :D

The entrance went... so so... i had always prided myself in scoring the highest in English language but boy i had never imagined the entrance language portion could be this tough..not tough but then wasn't a cake walk either... and can you beat it i couldn't remember a few of the very common words like the writing on the tomb that is called epitome... or the fact that walking aimlessly was loitering and i remember all this after the exams!!damn!! if the language portion was like this then i had no idea about the General knowledge segment... I'm really grateful to whoever invented 'inkie pinkie ponkie' it really helped in deciding the multiple choice answers!! now really I'm not joking! and guess what there were maths portion too..and guess what?i didn't freak out! and moreover i got them right!yahoo... can you guess how many GK questions we had??...okay i ll tell you 105 yeah you read it right...i soooooo wish i make it to the next level...please please god let me get through this then i wont ask for anything..ever!! i swear!! 

Yes this is pretty much how I'm feeling at the moment!!

Today i celebrate Liberation Day!!with Samik away on a family wedding, for once i get to spend an entire day being on my own, no dressing up to go out, just being home, in my comfy home clothes [specially with this heat] with just me and the books. hurray!!

P.S: sometime away from the respective other is therapeutic!! yo!

I'm Back...

yes finally i get to come back to the space i consider home. its been n amazing 7 guest post celebrating my 500th post! and it felt great that everyone spoke good things about me [thank god!.. nahi toh naak kat jati :P] i dont know how this idea struck me to have guest posts but i must say it yielded such rich dividends... im big on friendships but somehow i have always been unsure of what my friend feels about this virtual friendship [to me its very much real] but these posts made me realize that my feelings are reciprocated and I'm valued as much as i value them... it really helps to be reminded that you are loved and cared for... when times are tough, when despair surrounds me and i feel like quitting, i will have these wonderful posts to fall back on..

thank you Mayank, Yamini, Richa, Harshita, Nikhil, Anwesa, and  Sumit da for being so wonderfully kind and generous to me... im really touched by all the beautiful words and thoughtful gestures..... 

anyway i don't think i have thanked all my new friends... like  Seher, Kajal, Arv, Arnab, Mahesh,Amith etc who have been extremely patient and thoughtful while reading and commenting on my last few posts.....

a really tough phase in my live begins tomorrow... i have my very first entrance exams [MASCOM,Kottayam] it is the one place i really really want to get in... its a strange sensation...I'm a little nervous as to what will happen but somehow i feel ready.. maybe a huge disappointment will come my way.. but no matter what comes my way... i will fight it.. i know i will.... 

from Monday my semester begins. Tamil being the first exam.. and to be very honest i haven't a clue... its really beyond me to memorize anything...i have a bad feeling that the invigilation will be tightened and it will be next to impossible to sneak a peak near by.. whatever happens im still hopeful.. i just wish i pass or else all my hard work of the last 3 years and 5 semesters will go to the dogs! hey bhagwaan please kripa karo..

you know just when i wanted to sit back and relax with no pressing need to write posts... i felt an insatiable need to blog.. maybe its got to do with exams.. those who know me... are aware.. that just before exams i make tall promises to not blog but i end up posting almost everyday.. anyway i had tons to write during these last few days.. a few i have it saved in drafts... and others are somewhere scribbled hopefully i will be able to retrieve them.... 

even during what seemed like happy hours for me.. some people were really silly, childish and in turn hurtful too.. and there were others who took the opportunity to take potshots at me... for all those who misunderstood me... here is a clarification... i haven't said or meant any hurtful things to anyone... and i surely don't want anyone to quit blogging because of me...if you think I'm offending or hurting you..kindly clarify with me and then go on to publish stuff in my name.. 

okay i think the heat and humidity is getting to me here....my thoughts are punctuated by trickles of sweat coursing down every nook and crevices of my body..arrgh! i guess i have to take a shower! again!!

Wish me luck people! tomorrow is really a big day for me!! i need all the luck!

And then she grew up...

A winter sun... a lazy chair,
A curious mind... a new find,
A sunny day... seasons later,
Lazy spring... fine wine,
That's how she grew,
And then Phoenix finally flew...
Note: Quite random actually, however as you read further am sure the essence of the above lines would be delivered.

Time flies they say, and well it sure does. Figuratively speaking! Honestly, what were you thinking? ;)

I started my second innings in blogsville, towards the fag end of 2006 and was very much a closet blogger. used to write as and when I felt like, and never really bothered to read other blogs. And then, after being coaxed into reading some other blogs by a friend of mine, I started blog-hopping. It was the winter of 2007. And it was then that on one such expedition I happened to chance across a blogger called "Phoenix". Absolutely frank, and with a much appreciated flair of writing, I kept coming back for more. Over the course of next few months we developed a few common acquaintances (also bloggers) over other social networking sites. It was then, I came to know Raka, and not Phoenix. One might claim that, Raka n Phoenix are one and the same, I, unfortunately beg to differ. Phoenix is Raka, the converse is not true. I digress. :)

The basic essence of Destiny's Child the way I have seen it, is the honesty with which Phoenix writes. I know few other bloggers who have done so. Not always the sensitive soul, who can drive one mad with their sugar coated posts, Phoenix struck a delicate balance with her posts. She presented the world the way she saw it, the way it happened around her. The other remarkable aspect about her is the blog has matured along with Raka/Phoenix. back in 2007, when I came to know her, she was a thoughtful, sensitive blogger, who had just stepped into adulthood and was going through the pains of finding out a lot of harsh realities of life. Now, about to graduate, this lady has matured beyond my imagination. Always had a good head on her shoulders, the lessons learnt, the pragmatism, ambitiousness has reflected in her posts. At times subtle, at times overt, but the growth has been tremendous. Between then and now, she has grown by nearly 300 posts. And frankly, as Phoenix approaches the 500 milestone she has managed to touch quite a few hearts as a blogger and as a friend. I honestly, couldn't think of talking about any other topic other than her growth as I had seen here at blogsville.

Phoenix,
From where I stand the 500 milestone for you is kind of symbolic. It marks a point in time, when you step beyond the cocoons of your comfort zone. A phase of your life where you are keen to strike out on your own, you are ambitious and going all out to build your own identity. You are making choices and decisions which will determine the course of your life at least for the next 5 years. It is a rite of passage which we all undertake at some point. I wish you the very best, and hope that amidst all your pursuits you wouldn't lose touch with your real self. Oh and do not take a hiatus from blogsville like I did. :)
Best wishes
Sam a.k.a Confused Sam

Now, I have been at my best behaviour in this post. If you all would excuse me, I must attend to a few pressing matters of my own. Damn Imperial!! :D

R-A-K-A M-A-J-U-M-D-A-R

Reveling under the sky,

Animating the flowing river,

Kneeling down to caress the daisies,

At times,she personifies the ultimate giver.

Making my day a dream,

Amazing me by her sheer words,

Juggling several tasks without fail,

Understanding me like no other,

My endearing friend -

Daunting,brave- up against a rough sail

And do you who she is ?Our very own-

Raka Majumdar......

I could not help but write this acrostic for my dear friend and lovely soul sister Phoenix.

Awaiting your reply....

Lotsa love and more love to Phoenix...