When the heart is raped, repeatedly
Not a wound or drop of tear
Bear witness.
When disillusionment comes about,
All that is left, is a dream
That has died several deaths
Showing posts with label woes and lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label woes and lessons. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
To be a woman....
Disclaimer: the author writes the following based on her personal experience. She does not wish to generalize. She holds respect for women and men alike and in no way does she suggest that her experiences as the norm. She firmly believes in exception as a rule.
I have been reading Rabindranath’s short stories along with Ashapurna Devi and a few others, trust me its strictly related to the course at college. The literature pieces we are studying are from the perspective of Indian society and the position of women that was prevalent in the 19th century Bengal. While reading what shocked me, being a 21st century woman, is the way the women were treated then but what absolutely appalled me was, when I tried to co-relate what I learnt with my immediate reality, only to realize we are maybe a little better off but that is only in degrees but the whole issue however remains the same.I have been brought up in a convent background for 14 years of my life, which I believe makes me different from the rest of my peers. A convent upbringing gives one a highly European stylized life, where a woman is not just taught good manners and just how to be dainty and polite but she is taught to be independent, to question what she receives and to have an opinion and to express it. I believe I have greatly imbibed these qualities which has forever placed me in the firing line of the society I’m seated in. The reason I say this is because of the conflict I have had to face in every aspect of life.
From the time I was an adolescent I was rebellious, fiercely independent, I had a mind of my own and I always stood up for what I believed was right. Over the years I may have become a little mild but I do retain most of my wild streak. Most often I have had to hear “having an opinion of your own isn’t that good for a woman, you must look out” or while helping out mom with making parathas I have had to hear “its good that you are finally taking an interest in these things, this will come handy when you are at your in-laws” or “you are a girl, so you should quit thinking of leaving the city and engage yourself in a teaching course, it is by far the safest” these may sound outrageous to a 21st century woman however these are a reality, and trust me not just mine. Thankfully I have parents who support me in my ambitions, and despite being 21 and going to be a graduate soon, they haven’t yet broached the topic of marriage yet; honestly I feel thankful, for the world subjects me to a forceful realization that I am a girl and there are a set pattern that I need to follow.
I have noticed from my personal experience that often daughters and daughter-in-laws are treated differently, yes even in 21st century. When it comes to dreams of their daughter they go out in support but when it comes to the daughter in laws the conventions and traditions step in. Moreover the groom’s family often put on an air of being superior to the bride’s, an age old mal-practice still exists, where for no apparent reason the grooms family get all snooty and high handed over the brides even though the bride maybe greater in terms of education or culture. The men I have come across are really well turned out, they are opinionated, they stand by what they believe in, they allow their women to be the person they are, and respect them for that, however coming across men who do have an education to boost of and well placed in life but despite that they are male chauvinists in hiding and think being with a girl means owning her, this leaves a bitter taste in my mouth to see men who go out of their way to woo a girl but fail to give her, her due when it comes to standing up for her and his choices.When faced with such situations and judging by the way I violently react to such gender based partiality I am subjected to I am forced to wonder if for me my education has been beneficial or not. My education tells me to protest and not given in to the sheer humiliation I am subjected to because I am a girl. But convention tells me a girl needs to compromise a lot and accommodate a lot of things in life, and if not done so then she has to face bitter consequences. If I react to the gender biases then I become arrogant and haughty and if I don’t I am being a coward for not standing up to what I believe is right. If I don’t keep mum I’m likely to have a tumultuous life, beset with difficulties., and this makes me come to a cross-road where I am to decide which path is right for me.
Sometimes I wish I had a general education then maybe I would have not reacted to such atrocities and took whatever comes my way without questioning. Is there no way out? Are women only meant to suffer and endure without complaining or questioning? I’m about to take a major decision in life soon, my mind tells me it will be an uphill task if I agree because I am what I am and to have a smooth life I need to endure whatever comes my way, which I don’t think I am capable of. But then again if I choose to stand by what I believe I wonder if ever I will be in a different situation than this, because even though exceptions are the rule. They are few and far between.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
This year that was
The night before a New Year dawns is something very sentimental and teary to me, I don’t know why, maybe after yet another year of struggle there are apprehensions and hopes of just how the next year would turn out to be.
This year when first woke up, something in the air told me ‘this would be my year’. With the year almost coming to an end I know otherwise. Contrary to what I had hoped this year like others was a roller coaster. Nothing went ‘my’ way and it actually went where I didn’t want it to go. 4th semester results were bad and all because I refused to give my all to Tamil, a compulsory paper in our syllabus. Other cheated and studied and sneaked their way past a surprising good result for the first time, and I was there shocked at my results and to see my hard work go to waste, it was a huge setback but then somehow I battled it out. Slowly I retreated into my shell and stove to work harder.
The best that happened to me was my Vizaq trip that I went with my college. I didn’t have friends, people I had purposely severed from myself. There was this one time friend of mine who was there in the group and I was even apprehensive to go for the trip. Agreeing to the trip was the wisest thing I did. During the trip my friend and I finally buried the hatchet and talked out our differences. Amidst tears of regret and pain of longing for a year of separation my best friend from college and I were back to being the good friends that we once were and this time we swore that we would learn from our mistakes. We have braved a few hurdles now and then and we seem to be doing fine. [Touchwood] otherwise too the trip enabled me to visit a very beautiful place, somewhere I found the inner peace I had been looking for. The waves breaking on the beach of Vizaq calmed the inner turmoil I was battling then. And the break was refreshing.
I lost a great friend whom I had patched up with, after finding out ‘its’ true colors. Regrets? Yeah a little maybe. A beautiful thing that I created I saw wilting before me, it was one of the most jarring effects in my life and led me to contemplate a lot of things in life. I found a beautiful angel on blogger; Harshi; and finding her was a revelation; she helped me evolve over the time and made me a better person. Richa is like an addiction now, I cant pass a day without talking to her. Divs too was a great friend to have and I sincerely hope she hasn’t left us and she comes back soon. PJ has now become like this cute little sister to me, and is quite precious, then there is my newest friend Anwesa whom I’m getting to know and with the looks of it, we are about to hit it off real well. So blog world was an ultimate retreat and a source of pleasure.
My personal life is nothing worth talking about, for it wasn’t really bright but with the optimism that Harshi instilled in me I think I could make the best of a rotten situation. I found courage to fight back despair and let hope reign and I hope things work out on personal front, for carrying on this charade can be quite a burden.
So predictions for the next year? To be honest, I think next year will be more rotten than this year, I foresee a dip in finances, and loads of difficulties and disappointments coming my way. But now I’m somewhat prepared to deal with whatever comes my way. I know its worth all the pain because at the end of it I learn something. I can try my best rest is up to what is planned for me.
I hope you guys had a great year and here’s hoping that the New Year brings you prosperity, happiness and many things more.
Stay happy and keep smiling
Love Phoenix
This year when first woke up, something in the air told me ‘this would be my year’. With the year almost coming to an end I know otherwise. Contrary to what I had hoped this year like others was a roller coaster. Nothing went ‘my’ way and it actually went where I didn’t want it to go. 4th semester results were bad and all because I refused to give my all to Tamil, a compulsory paper in our syllabus. Other cheated and studied and sneaked their way past a surprising good result for the first time, and I was there shocked at my results and to see my hard work go to waste, it was a huge setback but then somehow I battled it out. Slowly I retreated into my shell and stove to work harder.
The best that happened to me was my Vizaq trip that I went with my college. I didn’t have friends, people I had purposely severed from myself. There was this one time friend of mine who was there in the group and I was even apprehensive to go for the trip. Agreeing to the trip was the wisest thing I did. During the trip my friend and I finally buried the hatchet and talked out our differences. Amidst tears of regret and pain of longing for a year of separation my best friend from college and I were back to being the good friends that we once were and this time we swore that we would learn from our mistakes. We have braved a few hurdles now and then and we seem to be doing fine. [Touchwood] otherwise too the trip enabled me to visit a very beautiful place, somewhere I found the inner peace I had been looking for. The waves breaking on the beach of Vizaq calmed the inner turmoil I was battling then. And the break was refreshing.
I lost a great friend whom I had patched up with, after finding out ‘its’ true colors. Regrets? Yeah a little maybe. A beautiful thing that I created I saw wilting before me, it was one of the most jarring effects in my life and led me to contemplate a lot of things in life. I found a beautiful angel on blogger; Harshi; and finding her was a revelation; she helped me evolve over the time and made me a better person. Richa is like an addiction now, I cant pass a day without talking to her. Divs too was a great friend to have and I sincerely hope she hasn’t left us and she comes back soon. PJ has now become like this cute little sister to me, and is quite precious, then there is my newest friend Anwesa whom I’m getting to know and with the looks of it, we are about to hit it off real well. So blog world was an ultimate retreat and a source of pleasure.
My personal life is nothing worth talking about, for it wasn’t really bright but with the optimism that Harshi instilled in me I think I could make the best of a rotten situation. I found courage to fight back despair and let hope reign and I hope things work out on personal front, for carrying on this charade can be quite a burden.
So predictions for the next year? To be honest, I think next year will be more rotten than this year, I foresee a dip in finances, and loads of difficulties and disappointments coming my way. But now I’m somewhat prepared to deal with whatever comes my way. I know its worth all the pain because at the end of it I learn something. I can try my best rest is up to what is planned for me.
I hope you guys had a great year and here’s hoping that the New Year brings you prosperity, happiness and many things more.
Stay happy and keep smiling
Love Phoenix
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
JU Memories
The year is coming to an end. With it so many plans and dreams and i'm inching closer to leaving
home. college too is almost over. what with the exams ending the 5th semester, a new semester will dawn only briefly, to end. college life in Jadavpur University [JU, where i study] too will see and end, and an era too will end.
our building as viewed from the parking lot.
Jheel in our college and the hanging bridge
I have grown up hearing stories about JU and its various places and things available from dad [my dad was a pass out too of my college] but i never really loved it for what the college stood for. in fact i never even considered applying for the college let alone wanting to be or not to be, in it. Not getting through Xaviers was a huge blow to my dreams and to my ego too, despite my grades and my extra- curricular activities. then dad entreated me to go with him to fill the forms in JU, reluctantly i followed him. and the first look of the campus i fell in love with it. the natural beauty, the greenery, water bodies, the ambiance and the vastness; to say the least. i couldn't believe my luck that i got through in JU when dad called home and announced! what joy it was!! and what irony!
My class-after vizaq tripMy college life until now has been a period,when i grew up from the naive lil girl freshly out of school. life to me, was almost an empty canvas with its bright patches, hint of dark impending ones and those not so happy grey ones too. first semester will always be the sweetest memory of the lot. i made friends and quite a few good ones, emotions ran very high and high voltage drama winded it up, with me loosing out on a very close friend. second semester, ensured a whole lot of healing and forgetting, with new set of friends, adda sessions and lazing around, life was almost bliss;until i realized how futile and fake it all was. then came a semester of bitter truth,revelation,hurt,pain and disillusionment and complete retreating into my shell. from there rose a new me, battered bruised but one who could rise from her ashes true to her name. things from then on was a lot more dull and shabby until the trip happened February this year. i got back my friend whom i had lost. and life fell back into place. sigh!
friends- during one of our hangout sessions in CCDmemories of unwanted faces will be forgotten with vengeance.
links to them will be de-linked
but those, that stood above the rest
will remain forever cherished
engraved in my mind and heart
as the happier times spent.
JU will remain a symbol
of all that i learnt and all that i earned,
and all things happy
and nothing more.
links to them will be de-linked
but those, that stood above the rest
will remain forever cherished
engraved in my mind and heart
as the happier times spent.
JU will remain a symbol
of all that i learnt and all that i earned,
and all things happy
and nothing more.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Shoppaholic
I have always maintained that i am not a miser, just a careful spender. I have rambled on how i save every dime.. because saving comes easy to me. and that if i dont save i feel something killing me inside.. yes yes i Was like this, a few months back. and now??Well something must have bitten me.
Earlier dad would give me an amount of money durign pujas and tell me, 'go get yourself a nice pair of jeans and a tee that you like'. so this dad's darling daughter would go shopping either with samik or my friend ipsy. so with the amount dad gave usually id end up getting 1 pair of jeans,1 skirt, 2 tee shirts, 1 kurti, 1 hang bag, 1 pair of shoes, accesories and what now. id never go for branded instead i would shy from it and go for more affordable stuff from great bargain place. qauntity would matter, you know na? with college and all, you do need clothes.
But Hey Bhaggu, with time I have changed drastically. From saver i have become spender. i do save money without doubt... but once in 2-3 months. I cant help but pick up stuff from the malls. somehow i just cant help but buy branded stuff. its like i do wait to get what i want but then i don't settle for anything but that comes with a tag.Jeez!! i must be going crazy. just when my 'things to buy' list ends then another crops up. i never seem to run out on the things i have to buy. each month i seem to buy something that i think i "need" what will happen to me. i dont ever carry my card so its even more easy, samik's card always comes handy, specially since i don't have to deal with real money transaction only card i dont feel the pinch. but hey! i do return the amount and that is when i feel the pinch. but no worries. i get over it in no time. trust me!! Hey Bhaggu save me!! this is supposed to be my THE financial year.. i have saved 3/4 of what i promised i will... just pray that i don't buy anything this month then i ll be on target.. because ive already bought myself an expensive sweater and a tee.. and new year is not anyway near the corner.. and i will have to wait till the 15th next month to be in a better stabilizing condition..
P.S- im maha upset. i had asked dad to trim my hair and he reduced my waist length hair to just below my shoulder.. thats whooping 6-8 inches :O but its okay... my hair grows back rapidly.. touchwood.. im in mourning.. im having a bad hair day!! :(
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Rant
I realized after writing the previous post that the anger I have within me is due to the fact that I endure what I do from people. It is not because they were just plain bad. But it was me who was unable to stand up to them and tell them “hey! Stop it right there. I won’t put up with your crap!” instead I am content to feel angry within, wishing I had stood up and voiced my opinion.
The reasons for not doing it are many, but most important one being; I didn’t want to have a fight and loose loved ones, as I have always said before, the moment I stand up for myself I loose friends. I then figured I loose friends anyway, so why endure the crap and loose them, why not just put an end to my troubles by voicing my opinions instead of opting out of a conflict? I have been overtly polite and meek and thus stuff kept happening to me. Who do these even think they are to mess up my life anyway? If these people are true friends as I think them to be, they will respect my opinions if and when I choose to voice them. And if they choose to walk away, what can I say? Maybe they weren’t really ‘real’ friends, so what would have happened, happened anyway. At least I will not have regrets or anger within me, because anger is self destructive.
Giving up something you love is the hardest thing to do; trust me I know. It was disheartening to see people ruin the thing that was after my heart, a part of my creation. The final blow was however to see, a person who meant so much do the same. One of the most important truths in life that I learn't is, No one, Absolutely No one cares for the thing you care, the way you do. But having said that, people have their strange ways, and who am I to even judge them?
On happier thoughts…
A very dear friend is going through a rough patch, his spirits are down and he is somewhat demoralized. It just makes me feel helpless, unable to bail him out. But here’s praying that he marches out of the darkness as the warrior of light. *HUGS* cheer up pal!
A big thank you to Harshita,Valencia, and Ria for being the friend in need. It meant the world to have someone who understood me.
News update on personal front-
My semesters begin sometime in the first week of December, yes I need to get down to books, and I will, promise. And I am not going to pledge falsely that I will not be frequent the blog world and study, for I have tried it the last four semesters and I was utterly unsuccessful. But I just have to forewarn that my posts may just be stray thoughts and random doodles. Just don’t abandon me... or else.. I will haunt your blogs..just kidding lol! I hope things are going good at your end… do take care…
Cheerio!
P.S- I’m not unhappy, sad, or even depressed. Instead I’m hail and hearty. I just wanted to reassertion a few things to myself, hence the post. So don’t worry. :D o! i almost forgot... thanks for the lovely comments in the post below!:P
The reasons for not doing it are many, but most important one being; I didn’t want to have a fight and loose loved ones, as I have always said before, the moment I stand up for myself I loose friends. I then figured I loose friends anyway, so why endure the crap and loose them, why not just put an end to my troubles by voicing my opinions instead of opting out of a conflict? I have been overtly polite and meek and thus stuff kept happening to me. Who do these even think they are to mess up my life anyway? If these people are true friends as I think them to be, they will respect my opinions if and when I choose to voice them. And if they choose to walk away, what can I say? Maybe they weren’t really ‘real’ friends, so what would have happened, happened anyway. At least I will not have regrets or anger within me, because anger is self destructive.
Giving up something you love is the hardest thing to do; trust me I know. It was disheartening to see people ruin the thing that was after my heart, a part of my creation. The final blow was however to see, a person who meant so much do the same. One of the most important truths in life that I learn't is, No one, Absolutely No one cares for the thing you care, the way you do. But having said that, people have their strange ways, and who am I to even judge them?
On happier thoughts…
A very dear friend is going through a rough patch, his spirits are down and he is somewhat demoralized. It just makes me feel helpless, unable to bail him out. But here’s praying that he marches out of the darkness as the warrior of light. *HUGS* cheer up pal!
A big thank you to Harshita,Valencia, and Ria for being the friend in need. It meant the world to have someone who understood me.
News update on personal front-
My semesters begin sometime in the first week of December, yes I need to get down to books, and I will, promise. And I am not going to pledge falsely that I will not be frequent the blog world and study, for I have tried it the last four semesters and I was utterly unsuccessful. But I just have to forewarn that my posts may just be stray thoughts and random doodles. Just don’t abandon me... or else.. I will haunt your blogs..just kidding lol! I hope things are going good at your end… do take care…
Cheerio!
P.S- I’m not unhappy, sad, or even depressed. Instead I’m hail and hearty. I just wanted to reassertion a few things to myself, hence the post. So don’t worry. :D o! i almost forgot... thanks for the lovely comments in the post below!:P
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Food for thought
No one is this world is generous or selfless. In a rat race to succeed, more often than not, even friends or family choose themselves over you. Avarice does indeed rule over all earthly emotions!
PS- this is not about anyone from blogger-ville..do pardon me i'm in a really crappy mood.will be back with a better post and in a better mood.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Maybe...
maybe this time i have gone too far and dared to dream a dream that is way beyond my means. maybe it is best that i give it up.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Friend and Stranger
In the last 24 hours i have been hurt twice. it is not hurt as in tears and sadness...but a part of me felt wounded. for one, is one of my closest friend and the other is a girl i admire in class[ i don't share a friendship with her though] both in their attitude towards me have really made me feel that, people don't need a reason to be mean, and they care less how their attitude may hurt other people.
lets take my friend. well what she could have politely refused me, she chose instead of humiliating and insulting me, insinuating that i lack in morals and degraded me. it was not required. i simple "no" would have worked too. what good does it do to people to look down upon people on issues which they themselves can be tarnished. but hey! im not saying a thing, because it is not an appropriate thing to do. i hope it does her good that she being a close friend has hurt me.
now for this stranger. well, she is one of the most sorted girls i had come across. we have never been friends and now maybe never will be. i admired her for all that she stood up for; and thought her to be a genuine person. the other day, i thought we connected well, as we spoke on some issues; and for once i felt it doesn't need a friend to have a good conversation, i think i liked her even more. but no! she too turned out to be like the rest, who mocked me because of the fact, that we had a conversation when she clearly didn't want to participate in it and wanted to be left alone; contrarily i remember distinctly that i had asked her if i should indeed leave her alone but she said it was fine and she in fact asked me various questions, gave me her views... how can people be so dual? why cant they be transparent in what they do and want?
If i don't want a thing or a person i make no bones about it. i don't know what is happening to people. probably this is how people are, they lash out at others and not resolve things politely and others use politeness to fend off people and then bitch about them... some people.....
lets take my friend. well what she could have politely refused me, she chose instead of humiliating and insulting me, insinuating that i lack in morals and degraded me. it was not required. i simple "no" would have worked too. what good does it do to people to look down upon people on issues which they themselves can be tarnished. but hey! im not saying a thing, because it is not an appropriate thing to do. i hope it does her good that she being a close friend has hurt me.
now for this stranger. well, she is one of the most sorted girls i had come across. we have never been friends and now maybe never will be. i admired her for all that she stood up for; and thought her to be a genuine person. the other day, i thought we connected well, as we spoke on some issues; and for once i felt it doesn't need a friend to have a good conversation, i think i liked her even more. but no! she too turned out to be like the rest, who mocked me because of the fact, that we had a conversation when she clearly didn't want to participate in it and wanted to be left alone; contrarily i remember distinctly that i had asked her if i should indeed leave her alone but she said it was fine and she in fact asked me various questions, gave me her views... how can people be so dual? why cant they be transparent in what they do and want?
If i don't want a thing or a person i make no bones about it. i don't know what is happening to people. probably this is how people are, they lash out at others and not resolve things politely and others use politeness to fend off people and then bitch about them... some people.....
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Confused
Time is running out and I'm standing at a cross road. so many avenues lay ahead of me, that taking a decision, the right one seems to be really an unhill task. every step i take is marked with uncertainty and certain amount of risk. i don't know where i will land up in 10 months time but i sure hope things work out because one false step can jeopardize my entire life. what do i do? how do i know which is the best thing for me? confusion clouds my mind and muddles my sensibilities... what should i do in times like this? and what i the decision i take is not the right one? what next then?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The walls are closing in
Fear gnaws at my soul;
Darkness reigns.
My eyelids grow heavier
My back hurts,
I'm losing consciousness
The end seems near.
Hold on, but for how long?
Despair looms, close at hand.
The world threatens to crumble,
But the hope still remains;
Dreams live on,
For a new tomorrow
Will there be a new dawn?
Will golden sunshine illuminate my soul?
Will there be yellow butterflies
Filling my heart with happiness?
Will the warrior of light
Rescue me, from cruel reality
I know times will change
And happier times will reign again
The golden tomorrow awaits
If only I don't loose faith.
Fear gnaws at my soul;
Darkness reigns.
My eyelids grow heavier
My back hurts,
I'm losing consciousness
The end seems near.
Hold on, but for how long?
Despair looms, close at hand.
The world threatens to crumble,
But the hope still remains;
Dreams live on,
For a new tomorrow
Will there be a new dawn?
Will golden sunshine illuminate my soul?
Will there be yellow butterflies
Filling my heart with happiness?
Will the warrior of light
Rescue me, from cruel reality
I know times will change
And happier times will reign again
The golden tomorrow awaits
If only I don't loose faith.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Forgive And Forget??!!
i can forgive but cant forget.
forgiveness comes naturally to me, a wrong done to me is readily forgiven but i can never seem to forget. so in a way the matter is not done and over with, the burden of being wronged carries on forth.
P.S- this post has nothing to do with anyone. it is a random thought.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Illusions
Illusion like a cocoon, envelops us in its warm comforting hug. and when it decides to reveal its true identity; life falls apart. And the fairy tale comes to an end. Forever and ever is but a myth.
we are left, alone, to pick up the broken peices and to try and start afresh. tears are the only constant companion as the world just mocks and moves on.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
As children we were so innocent that we failed to realize that merely putting hands on our faces will not make us invisible to the world but the world momentarily stopped existing for us while we were still in full vision of the world. Sometimes even adults are naive enough to think, that by shutting ones eyes the reality changes, but the truth remains
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
whorehouse drama
well well so sorry haven't been online despite wanting to so desperately.actually i had exhausted my internet download limit so i thought id restrain myself to some extent :P! anyway the good news is that my semesters have ended earlier this month, in case i didnt already tell you, and thanks to mann aka manita deo alias miss firewhisky i got an opportunity to atleast apply for an internship with the The Telegraph;which in itself is a grand thing now getting in is somewhat irrelevant because i know we both tried our best :D . since samik had the week off last week we finally got to spent more time than usual with other, though nothing exciting happened.but these moments without the tension or worries to head home in time for my next days class or his office, we enjoyed each others company in our own relaxed space.anyway the week has gone by and new one here.phew!
wondering at the weird title?? well what ive been going though the last few days is nothing short of hell! and the kind of drama that nearly fatigued me. phew! this old friend of mine, who was my closest friend suddenly turned up and claimed i gave no time, im good for nothing and so on and so forth. she choose to fill my orkut scrapbook with her sentimental,irrelevant scathing words, which i could make no head or tail about?i wondered at this sudden outburst. since exams were on i could only pacify her by saying that id deal with it once im done with my studies! but she was in no mood to listen.called and smsed and hounded me, with her sobby stories so much that i snapped! god!some people know only to cling! uff after a lot of rona dhone scraps i called it quits. mom and dad finally understand the hell ive been going through. and guess what this so called friend of mine went even to the extent of reading all my scraps to all my friends and finally scrapped me back with another truck load of shit!finally i sent her packing off...sometime it was! a sad ending to a good friendship :( but the friendship that just demands and not understands,is in fact no friendship at all.
o there is this another bitch, a friend to turned into a rotten gold digger.she fibbed on an imaginary mishap and duped me of 1000 bucks.she was in fact a really nice friend,so i thought so.but then what can you say,never judge a book by its over,its way misleading. but anyway i guess the bitched needed the money more, i really pity her. i hope god stops her from begging or stealing from people, after they are bad habits, maybe her folks and school dint teach her soo... tut tut tut! :(
aaaaaaaa now for the biggest bitch ever, the mother of my newest student. filthy rich she is, and my my what a son! a wild life maniac, with a body odour that of a caged tiger, with the urge to go potty every few hours...shesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!and in academics he was nothing short of fused tube light.ive been devising plans to get the monster off my back when her mom did the honours herself :D. the bitch fought with me regarding pay[i wanted pay the the begining fo the month and she wanted to pay me at the end of it] she gave it to me 2 classes after she was supposed to.but i pardon even her poor lady sitting on a coffer with a hulk of a son to take care,i know what a life she must be having. no worries mam i forgive you
PS- i just wanted to shed my "miss goody two shoes" image and wanted to viciously bitch :) so pardon me :P
wondering at the weird title?? well what ive been going though the last few days is nothing short of hell! and the kind of drama that nearly fatigued me. phew! this old friend of mine, who was my closest friend suddenly turned up and claimed i gave no time, im good for nothing and so on and so forth. she choose to fill my orkut scrapbook with her sentimental,irrelevant scathing words, which i could make no head or tail about?i wondered at this sudden outburst. since exams were on i could only pacify her by saying that id deal with it once im done with my studies! but she was in no mood to listen.called and smsed and hounded me, with her sobby stories so much that i snapped! god!some people know only to cling! uff after a lot of rona dhone scraps i called it quits. mom and dad finally understand the hell ive been going through. and guess what this so called friend of mine went even to the extent of reading all my scraps to all my friends and finally scrapped me back with another truck load of shit!finally i sent her packing off...sometime it was! a sad ending to a good friendship :( but the friendship that just demands and not understands,is in fact no friendship at all.
o there is this another bitch, a friend to turned into a rotten gold digger.she fibbed on an imaginary mishap and duped me of 1000 bucks.she was in fact a really nice friend,so i thought so.but then what can you say,never judge a book by its over,its way misleading. but anyway i guess the bitched needed the money more, i really pity her. i hope god stops her from begging or stealing from people, after they are bad habits, maybe her folks and school dint teach her soo... tut tut tut! :(
aaaaaaaa now for the biggest bitch ever, the mother of my newest student. filthy rich she is, and my my what a son! a wild life maniac, with a body odour that of a caged tiger, with the urge to go potty every few hours...shesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!and in academics he was nothing short of fused tube light.ive been devising plans to get the monster off my back when her mom did the honours herself :D. the bitch fought with me regarding pay[i wanted pay the the begining fo the month and she wanted to pay me at the end of it] she gave it to me 2 classes after she was supposed to.but i pardon even her poor lady sitting on a coffer with a hulk of a son to take care,i know what a life she must be having. no worries mam i forgive you
PS- i just wanted to shed my "miss goody two shoes" image and wanted to viciously bitch :) so pardon me :P
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Hope and Disappointment
Have you ever encountered this? You have just typed out your next blog post, which you think is great and before you could even save it, the power goes and that is the end of your hardwork? And no matter what you do you can ever fixed it? Or you have made a perfect sand castle when a big wave washes it off? Sometimes we may not like it, but it is probably the best that we start over again. Cause with disappointment comes hope, hope to make it the next time.
We all face disappointments in life. Some maybe really trivial and some not. What probably is the worst kind is when your hope dashes and you are forcefully faced with the reality, something that does not care what its impact would be on you. But we have learned to stumble, fall and then dust the dirt and walk straight again, even though our hopes are bruises and battered, we move on. And that my dear is life.
What does one do when the thing one so loves is threatened by oblivion? What does one do for the one person he/ she claims to love dearly? The answer to all of this will probably be the same for all, to try and do anything that one possibly can to salvage the situation to prevent something beautiful to fall to its fate and stop the despair and gloom from clouding the loved one’s face.
She wakes up each morning thinking how best to salvage the problems she encountered in her personal life. For she knew until she did that she will be ill equipped to handle the challenges that lay out there for her. She found faults in the one she loved and tried to make him a better person because somewhere she believed that if he didn’t change things would happen to weaken the bonds that they shared. She hopes that someday he will mend his ways but he never does. People tell her, that you should love the person as they are and not to change the person according to you. So she tries to be a bit more tolerant and patient. Probably she realized that the love of her life was not a knight in shining armour at all, he would always be what he was. He probably was just another mortal who was otherwise kind and funny and immature and nothing like what she thought he would be, but nonetheless she happened to love him. So she tried and tried hard to calm herself and over critiquing nature and willed her relationship to reach a new height. Instead of finding a solution she tried to defer dealing with it because she could never discuss the problems she was facing nor could she ever come up with a suitable solution talking to the one person she so loved, who was once her best friend, who refused to believe that there was a problem.
Each time they had a problem the root cause was always the same. And each time she was asked for yet another chance by that person to turn over a new leaf. Each time she relented because she hoped that this time, this time things would work out. When one person who comes so close to loosing the person he claims to love, whom he had won over, after a tough fight; will do whatever it takes to resolve the situation. She raked her mind to come up with newer solutions, they work for sometime and then backfire, every single of it. She then tried to change herself to be less critical of him and try to rectify the mistakes she herself had. She rebuked myself and did whatever she could possibly do to make things work. But nothing ever did. Each time she made up her mind to walk away, she is told to trust him, to give him yet another chance, and each time she relents because she hopes against hope that someday things will work out. But in a day it always goes back to being what it is.
Why should she believe him anymore? In the end she is the one to suffer. Sometimes she wishes she could just walk away, without any guilt, being at peace with herself, thinking that she has put in her best and if things don’t work out maybe that is how it was intended to be. Maybe she deserved a better life. Disappointment of not making the relationship that she gave her heart and soul to work out, hurts much more one can imagine. But what disappointed her even more is that the person she so loved, could never keep up his end of his promise of trying hard to make this work. Maybe she was not worth it. Maybe there are things in life that are way beyond our control. And there are surely things that are not meant to be. So some day she must walk away, even though heart may wrench at the very thought, but she must do it. For ahead will lie a new hope of a better live. Where she will be given another chance to build her life from the ashes, she will get to turn her disappointments and failures into the pillars of her success. The journey ahead will not be easy on her, she will cry and breakdown at every now and then but in her despair she will find hope and putting her disappointments behind she will shrug and move on, not looking back at the wimp who couldn’t save the precious thing he had been given, because he lacked the strength to fight and the “hope” for a better future.
And like Kajol says in the movie- U,Me Aur Hum. “pyaar karney liye ek junoon zaroori hota hai, par usse nibhaney kay liye bhi ek junoon zaroori hota hai“ [ to love you need passion but to make the love last needs passion too] and that holds true for dreams and hope as well. Disappointment greets us in every walk of life but the trick is to have the strength in ourselves to walk away from it to begin afresh. And that is only possible if she have faith and more importantly we dare to hope.
We all face disappointments in life. Some maybe really trivial and some not. What probably is the worst kind is when your hope dashes and you are forcefully faced with the reality, something that does not care what its impact would be on you. But we have learned to stumble, fall and then dust the dirt and walk straight again, even though our hopes are bruises and battered, we move on. And that my dear is life.
What does one do when the thing one so loves is threatened by oblivion? What does one do for the one person he/ she claims to love dearly? The answer to all of this will probably be the same for all, to try and do anything that one possibly can to salvage the situation to prevent something beautiful to fall to its fate and stop the despair and gloom from clouding the loved one’s face.
She wakes up each morning thinking how best to salvage the problems she encountered in her personal life. For she knew until she did that she will be ill equipped to handle the challenges that lay out there for her. She found faults in the one she loved and tried to make him a better person because somewhere she believed that if he didn’t change things would happen to weaken the bonds that they shared. She hopes that someday he will mend his ways but he never does. People tell her, that you should love the person as they are and not to change the person according to you. So she tries to be a bit more tolerant and patient. Probably she realized that the love of her life was not a knight in shining armour at all, he would always be what he was. He probably was just another mortal who was otherwise kind and funny and immature and nothing like what she thought he would be, but nonetheless she happened to love him. So she tried and tried hard to calm herself and over critiquing nature and willed her relationship to reach a new height. Instead of finding a solution she tried to defer dealing with it because she could never discuss the problems she was facing nor could she ever come up with a suitable solution talking to the one person she so loved, who was once her best friend, who refused to believe that there was a problem.
Each time they had a problem the root cause was always the same. And each time she was asked for yet another chance by that person to turn over a new leaf. Each time she relented because she hoped that this time, this time things would work out. When one person who comes so close to loosing the person he claims to love, whom he had won over, after a tough fight; will do whatever it takes to resolve the situation. She raked her mind to come up with newer solutions, they work for sometime and then backfire, every single of it. She then tried to change herself to be less critical of him and try to rectify the mistakes she herself had. She rebuked myself and did whatever she could possibly do to make things work. But nothing ever did. Each time she made up her mind to walk away, she is told to trust him, to give him yet another chance, and each time she relents because she hopes against hope that someday things will work out. But in a day it always goes back to being what it is.
Why should she believe him anymore? In the end she is the one to suffer. Sometimes she wishes she could just walk away, without any guilt, being at peace with herself, thinking that she has put in her best and if things don’t work out maybe that is how it was intended to be. Maybe she deserved a better life. Disappointment of not making the relationship that she gave her heart and soul to work out, hurts much more one can imagine. But what disappointed her even more is that the person she so loved, could never keep up his end of his promise of trying hard to make this work. Maybe she was not worth it. Maybe there are things in life that are way beyond our control. And there are surely things that are not meant to be. So some day she must walk away, even though heart may wrench at the very thought, but she must do it. For ahead will lie a new hope of a better live. Where she will be given another chance to build her life from the ashes, she will get to turn her disappointments and failures into the pillars of her success. The journey ahead will not be easy on her, she will cry and breakdown at every now and then but in her despair she will find hope and putting her disappointments behind she will shrug and move on, not looking back at the wimp who couldn’t save the precious thing he had been given, because he lacked the strength to fight and the “hope” for a better future.
And like Kajol says in the movie- U,Me Aur Hum. “pyaar karney liye ek junoon zaroori hota hai, par usse nibhaney kay liye bhi ek junoon zaroori hota hai“ [ to love you need passion but to make the love last needs passion too] and that holds true for dreams and hope as well. Disappointment greets us in every walk of life but the trick is to have the strength in ourselves to walk away from it to begin afresh. And that is only possible if she have faith and more importantly we dare to hope.
Friday, April 04, 2008
i woke up today to a heavenly morning a perfect treat to last few weeks of harsh slogging.i woke up to feeling very cold,almost shivery.i managed to pry open an eye to check the mobile clock.7.15am! shit! just imagine!last few weeks i have been trying to wake up by 7.30 so that i have a few extra hours before i have to rush off to college and today on such a perfect day i get to wake up even before my alarm went off!the sky had darkened and the curtains were being tossed by the cool breeze as the pitter patter rain drop continued.
last few weeks all i have been doing is running from once class to another.writing kilometers and kilometers of parchments of notes that i have already exhausted 3 copies in just 3 months.tests and preparation took my time and all i seem to be doing is slog,to push myself to the hilt.the reason is more than one,i was just channelizing my frustration and anger to a positive direction.why sit and mop?so when i woke up today the temptation of not giving into not going to college almost seduced me when the clear sky brought an end to all my romantic wanderings of my heart! sigh!
sometimes i wonder if hard work pays after all i have been in this grind for months now when i see others seem to be having a good time and sailing through life without the hard work?then i think i should not bother if it does because i should be happy with whatever i am doing.results and what others are doing and how is irrelevant!i read it somewhere and it has kind of stuck "people who care not matter,and people who matter don't care" and this has become my thread of logic for all those in my class who are insecure about themselves, who spread baseless "rumours" about people just to satisfy themselves with an illusion.who cares what others think as long as i know i am right!there will always be a cruella in every sphere of life who will dedicate her life to wreck yours, the trick is not to bother.so the jhonny bravos who think taking a jive at people will yield to some moments of mirth can think again! since virtue and morality and in that case dignity all gone for a toss its a time to replace these with laughter and frolic,or so it seems.
its amusing to see life becoming so grotesque and so appalling.but then even in murky waters blossoms the lotus and hence there is always a lesson to learn with every incident that occurs to us.
P.S- a big THANK YOU to all those who commented on my last post!i was feeling extremely down and a bit neglected as i thought my blogger friends had forgotten all about me but the comments really touched me and in more ways than one i feel blessed.thanks once again!
last few weeks all i have been doing is running from once class to another.writing kilometers and kilometers of parchments of notes that i have already exhausted 3 copies in just 3 months.tests and preparation took my time and all i seem to be doing is slog,to push myself to the hilt.the reason is more than one,i was just channelizing my frustration and anger to a positive direction.why sit and mop?so when i woke up today the temptation of not giving into not going to college almost seduced me when the clear sky brought an end to all my romantic wanderings of my heart! sigh!
sometimes i wonder if hard work pays after all i have been in this grind for months now when i see others seem to be having a good time and sailing through life without the hard work?then i think i should not bother if it does because i should be happy with whatever i am doing.results and what others are doing and how is irrelevant!i read it somewhere and it has kind of stuck "people who care not matter,and people who matter don't care" and this has become my thread of logic for all those in my class who are insecure about themselves, who spread baseless "rumours" about people just to satisfy themselves with an illusion.who cares what others think as long as i know i am right!there will always be a cruella in every sphere of life who will dedicate her life to wreck yours, the trick is not to bother.so the jhonny bravos who think taking a jive at people will yield to some moments of mirth can think again! since virtue and morality and in that case dignity all gone for a toss its a time to replace these with laughter and frolic,or so it seems.
its amusing to see life becoming so grotesque and so appalling.but then even in murky waters blossoms the lotus and hence there is always a lesson to learn with every incident that occurs to us.
P.S- a big THANK YOU to all those who commented on my last post!i was feeling extremely down and a bit neglected as i thought my blogger friends had forgotten all about me but the comments really touched me and in more ways than one i feel blessed.thanks once again!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Gloom and despair visited me once again and successfully conquered my optimism as I gave in to desolation and hopelessness. It is amazing how my castle made from ruins of the onslaught of fates cruel designs, fell prey to her for the umpteenth time! Mercy is what I seek but even in my darkest hour does fate yield to me and happiness eludes me.
It is often said, the good is always rewarded and the wrong punished but in my lifetime and my experience has witnessed, just the contrary. The undeserving gets rewarded while the hardworking is dealt an unjust hand by fate or luck!
I never really believed in luck, man makes his destiny, and this was my conviction. But today’s incident proved that indeed life is not always fair and deserving always gets let down when others pave their way ahead. I have been a lousy blogger ever since I came back from my trip, the reason being my last semester results which were terrible and I have putting my ever waking hour into struggling to make up for all those times. I have cut down my sleeping hours from 7 hours to just 3-4 hours per day. Instead of spending time frolicking with friends I have put in extra hours to do research work. And what is the result? Just the same, people who copied got the same marks as me and people who hardly do regular classes, who are unaware of what is being taught in class until the day before the test, who hardly work as hard as some of us have: have merrily scored high and what a relish it is for them! Nothing can be more depressing and frustrating than this! Value for labor and hard work is hardly the yardstick to measure ones credibility. Where foul and unfair means are adopted to move ahead! Where is the justice therefore? And what happens to those who truly deserve the fruits of their hard work. Probably these marks will loose importance in times to come, what about the scarring effect it has on the mind and the zeal to prosper, what happens to the hours of toil one puts in to genuinely do well. Isn’t their efforts and hard slogging thwarted? How then does one find the courage to fight, to struggle to do good when all they are disenchanted by the state of affair! Is it then that good will never be rewarded and the bad proper, do we all adopt foul ways to prosper or stick to their conviction and their karma? I have lost my line of reason and totally disillusioned by the way life works.
It is often said, the good is always rewarded and the wrong punished but in my lifetime and my experience has witnessed, just the contrary. The undeserving gets rewarded while the hardworking is dealt an unjust hand by fate or luck!
I never really believed in luck, man makes his destiny, and this was my conviction. But today’s incident proved that indeed life is not always fair and deserving always gets let down when others pave their way ahead. I have been a lousy blogger ever since I came back from my trip, the reason being my last semester results which were terrible and I have putting my ever waking hour into struggling to make up for all those times. I have cut down my sleeping hours from 7 hours to just 3-4 hours per day. Instead of spending time frolicking with friends I have put in extra hours to do research work. And what is the result? Just the same, people who copied got the same marks as me and people who hardly do regular classes, who are unaware of what is being taught in class until the day before the test, who hardly work as hard as some of us have: have merrily scored high and what a relish it is for them! Nothing can be more depressing and frustrating than this! Value for labor and hard work is hardly the yardstick to measure ones credibility. Where foul and unfair means are adopted to move ahead! Where is the justice therefore? And what happens to those who truly deserve the fruits of their hard work. Probably these marks will loose importance in times to come, what about the scarring effect it has on the mind and the zeal to prosper, what happens to the hours of toil one puts in to genuinely do well. Isn’t their efforts and hard slogging thwarted? How then does one find the courage to fight, to struggle to do good when all they are disenchanted by the state of affair! Is it then that good will never be rewarded and the bad proper, do we all adopt foul ways to prosper or stick to their conviction and their karma? I have lost my line of reason and totally disillusioned by the way life works.
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