Scribblings

I write unsure of myself and of things i really want to write.

I have been home a little over a week and blogging has been on my mind ever since. But somehow i just couldn't make myself write. I wonder if i have anything more to offer to this place, this place has been instrumental in my life, both in my personal and professional life. This place became the one place where i could be me, where i went into incessant rants about my personal failings or achievements of issues i felt strongly about. But what took me back was that blogging gave me a leverage on my personal front. For the first time in life, during job interviews, I did not have to encounter quizzing eyes, when i told my HR that i blog, and have over 500 posts to my credit. it was then i realized what a world i had created for myself. I wonder why I feel this is important to say this, maybe its because I have not been able to give up on this space despite having nothing to offer.

On personal front life is messier than i had ever imagined. Not really a phase i'd like to rant about. For the first time in life probably i'm not sure of what i want. But in times of distress and immense personal strife one advantage is that I'm gonna earn doing what i love doing and what i do best: writing. However humble it may be, its a start; and i am grateful for that. Maybe this is what life had planned for me...

One of my learning's from this whole phase of transition, from a student to a professional is that

Nothing can be worse than living a life of regrets!

Sometimes its important in life to be selfish enough to fulfill your dreams and ambitions.. and not give it up for the supposed happiness of those you care most. Because life does not offer you opportunities each time and most often we live a life of regrets which does not really add to the happiness of our loved ones or ourselves.

Tragedy of Life

Often when we lie we lose our credibility,
So when we actually tell the truth
no-one believes it!

P.S-I had meant the previous post to be funny and sarcy but apparently it came out as a bitter post. truly not what i had intended. apologies...

Mundane World

I have been away from this space.. and this time it was deliberate and well thought out. i don't want to convert this space into a place where i whine, and bring all the negative energies of the mundane life here. this space is too precious for that.

there is so much to tell, i don't know where to begin. my last post was on my "mid sem review' so a follow up on that is, in 20 days following that i had another review and the change was phenomenal..i got commended on my reporting too on next beat reporting following my review..story ideas too fetched me marks.. and guess what? my stories too was taken for the bulletin at a time i felt extremely low about myself and my performance. it does make me feel good because after the review, no matter how brave a front i had put up, it had shaken my confidence and i was very reluctant to do anything. moreover devoting every waking hour to studies and giving myself time to do assignments, forgiving myself for things i couldn't do, really helped... sorry i didn't mean to brag, but its just that i feel good about myself that too in a long time.

"“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

i came to understand the value of friends in a world of competition, a world that means only business. disillusioned? no.. just a lot more mature.. this is not the first time this has happened so this time there were no reactions. in this leg of the journey of life i learned so many different things not just about people but about me. i combated my fear of loneliness. i was always apprehensive to go shopping alone or do things on my own, but now i do everything on my own. i don't depend on other for anything. i forgive those who are mean to me, purely because they don't posses the intellect or the education to know right from wrong, and forgiving people helps clean your heart and lets them burn in agony why is it that despite harming me, i fail to react. i thank this prof in college who actually taught me this, I'm grateful for that. she taught me something really valuable and i will carry it forward wherever i go..

Last few weeks has been a terrible nightmare to me.. i was sinking into pits of despair... thoughts of quitting was rampant on my mind... i just wanted to run away.. no one understood me.. all those i held close were away and others gave me a tough time.. work work and some more work drained the last drop of energy in me..exhaustion and depression made me even to think coherently...somewhere came the hope the will to see this through... i wanted to see, to test myself how much more i could endure this.. and now it feels a lot better. i know despite the terrible circumstances i know this will work out.. and no matter what people say or do, i will see this through to the end... because Winners never Quit and Quitters never Win

On personal front there is nothing great to talk about.. my parents have been extremely supporting and thoughtful in this last few weeks, i have come much closer to them, earlier i would never disclose the details of the things that go on in my life pertaining to college, but now i do and they have been a constant source of courage and inspiration to me .. for which i am extremely grateful.. where on one hand i was coming closer to loved ones... there was someone who complicated things by choosing not to understand me instead was being immature. patience is a virtue i had never possessed but i cultivated it... but its like fighting a loosing battle to reason to someone who refuses to see light no matter what and who will not support me but make matters difficult. i have no tolerance for such people even if they are close to me...sad but the extreme conditions on which i am surviving, there comes a time when patience and tolerance succumbs ...

On different thoughts... i have been reading a particular blog and i was so hooked that i went back read back the posts... and somewhere it calmed me down... its beautifully and truthfully written.. the reason why i kept reading was because it reinstated that emotions are there even in this mundane world... and the person who writes it A.G [yes i remember your name.. Mr Hopeless Romantic..] has now become someone i look forward to talking too even if for those brief chat sessions amidst work [both his and mine] with him i really talk endlessly, and i realized how much i love talking but here i hardly talk my heart out.. here i listen because people have so much to talk that they don't realize the person they are talking to may want to contribute too... i love talking to him.. laughing too... i miss these days .. i used to have a life online...Mayank Anwesa Harshi Leo Richa Nikhi Ne .. god! i have been so into work that i have lost those conversations.. those hours i would go chapper chapper all the time.. :) thank god i made some enduring friends here at bloggerville... who support me even if i am not around as much.. they understand... Nikhil never complains if i don't take his call because he knows im busy, he is patient and forever understanding.. i stay in Bangalore yet i don't meet Vinu but i extract a lot of information from him but he never complains... i wonder why? i must have done something good to deserve such friends for i know for a fact that such people in "real" life is extinct ....

Did i mention i went to Pavagada in Tumkur district for a Taluk visit? well the trip was beautiful.. people were great.. i haven't got so much warmth from strangers.. they gave us whatever they could offer to make us feel loved and welcomed.. it meant so much.. what really tugged at my conscience was these people looked at us with hope and expectation, willing us to help them change their abominable situation but there was hardly anything we could do... i tried doing my bit by blogging about the Fluorosis in Pavagada in my journalistic blog...check it out if you wish...click here

God has been really kind.. because a few of the troubles that has been clouding my life has partially moved to allow a ray of light to enter my life and that is something I'm grateful for...

So this is about everything that has been happening in my life... I'm sure i must have bored you to death... but once i began i couldn't stop myself.. until i write i don't know just how much i miss my blog...

i hope you all are well? wassup at your end? do keep me posted...

lots of love
~Phoenix~

P.S- do overlook my typos.. haven't got the time to proof read... :P :) sorry!!

Masked

i see them putting up a facade
i see their fangs behind their smiles
their words can kill,
and stares can pierce.
they are there, everywhere,
in every walk of life.
hooded and dark
slipping in and out of shadows
they will intrude your mind
rape your thoughts
push you deeper into the dreary depths of nothingness
they will extract your everything
they will violate your very being.

Too much on my platter! :(

Everyday i wake up thinking yet another day has passed and I'm getting closer and closer to leaving..my heart is heavy, i know it will not be easy but i will get used to it...no i wont rant about my 'leaving home blues' i have successfully shooed away most of my friends who don't read me anymore.. but well i totally understand.. i haven't been writing any substantiate anyway... :)

Things at my end is well.. all too chaotic.. i had thought my last few days here would be peaceful..with quality time with my blog, my family and samik...but turns out that i cant find time to write on my blog if i do get even a few minutes i cant seem to do much.and this time crunch explains why i havent been able to read and comment on your blogs..sorry!.. mom has been ignored mostly..because i am out to please her, by visiting relatives all the time.. when i am home I'm tired and sleepy so much so that my body aches in fatigue... i cant sleep..i sleep in the wee hours of the morning only to be woken up rudely to go and meet someone again...samik has been really busy too and he cant seem to find time to spend with me..and id like to believe he wont find time to talk to me..for if we want we can find time for anything....anyway.. so all in all its been really harrowing... on top of it.. my mom has taken away all my clothes to keep aside for packing...and wont give me anything to wear out to meet the scores of relatives...damn!

Btw yesterday i went to Dakhineshwar its a very holy temple in the out skirts of the city.. i had done a mannat there about my leaving kolkata getting to study what i wanted to.. well by god's grace i have been granted that... :) so i went to offer my prayers and to ask something more from them..[them because i cant understand what to refer god as her /him.. because when i am alone i refer to god as him.. and when in temple i refer to god as her.. so I'm confused...:P] anyway i seem to realize what a greedy pig i am.. every time i go i tell god give me this and i wont ask anything again and i go back to offer prayers and ask again... now even god will say 'sorry you have exceeded the number of prayers" hey bhagwaan don't do this to me please... :) i am really scared that he will stop listening to me... on a serious note.. i am not a very religious person but i somehow have faith in god.. in the darkest hour of my life.. all i could do was to think of god and pray to him..and I'm thankful that he thought me worthy of granting my wishes...and ging to a temple really calms me down and makes me so humble.. i really have understood the meaning and the power of prayers... :)

Anyway I'm almost ready to faint there... i have to meet around 4 people today.... you guys have a good day ahead... and have fun.. and keep smiling..

Happy and Smiling again!

I haven't been in too good a mood of late. probably i have pissed off many by not taking calls or replying to the Ims and sms's. i have been unable to blog, there was no interest and no desire to do so. i have missed many post of yours which i should have read and commented, while some of you who have been extremely understanding and kind to me regarding the same, some have come up and demanded why i haven't replied to the comments or visited their blogs. to the latter i just have something to clarify, there are times i read but i am unable to comment, but basically i blog because i want to, and that it is a source of pleasure for me, i don't want to reduce it to a liability, where i feel obligated to comment just because someone has commented, i will do it because i want to not because i have to. so if i haven't been up to your expectation,i am sorry but i am what i am.

Anyway moving on... as of now i am feeling a whole lot better, in kinda good mood you can say. finally right now its raining, i mean the proper hours long rain that washes away the dust and clearing the humidity that made life so impossible for us.this is the first monsoon showers of the season.it pretty late but nonetheless here... so that's surely a breather. but i wanted to enjoy my beloved rains here before moving on. and thank god my wish was granted!did i tell you i absolutely love the rains??!! i simply loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorve the rains!! :D :)

On other happy events. very recently most of my friends from school met up and we had a whale of a time together, some of whom i was meeting after 5 long years. you can imagine 11 ladies seated at a corner at one of Kolkata's finest restaurants in a well known mall for a buffet; chattering, giggling, clicking pictures away to glory and having a ball. everyone was like super happy and excited to be back and it was one happy reunion! thankfully i met up all these beautiful people before i left or else id be missing on a lot, since i don't think i will be around for the later reunions. what i absolutely loved was the fact, that despite meeting up after 5 years it didn't seem as if we hadst been out of touch at all. and there was never a dull or awkward moment, smiles and giggles ruled the whole outing and it was one happening event to be in.

As the days are rolling by and time to leave comes nearer the fear and apprehension is making me all the more anxious and nervous but I'm trying my best to not make it more difficult for me and take things as they come.. and if you have friends like Nikhil and Anwesa who keep reminding you of the number of days left... god u can imagine... I'm ready to tear my hair out! :) :P Sorry to all you lovely people who has had to read my rants about my insecurities and leaving home blues.. sorry to have bored you to death but i will try and not whine and make it all worthwhile and if indeed i fail to keep my word please be patient as this is one of the most rough and harsh phase of my life... i will bounce back with my chirpy ways...

And o yeah... there is this one deed that makes me a lot happier and relived these days... there has been something that had made me all cold and unapproachable and this was because i have been angry and bitter... but i have learnt to let go and do what i want.. even if it means contradicting myself and at the cost of appearing confused to many... i will maintain what i had realized for myself... that i will preserve my individuality and strength of character no matter what...but at the same time... i will do things which i feel like doing... for i am answerable to no-one but myself. this makes me happy and i am happy to be loved and to love. it makes my plight a lot lesser and my heart a lot lighter... and makes me one happy girl!

Happy Rains to all you lovely people.... and ya in case you are interested in reading the guest post i wrote for NE aka Nehya...and here is one i did for Vinay aka Leo too...just click on the names.. :).. cya around!!

I hate to say this but i think i just suffered a major writers block. i can give tons of excuses like, i am really pressed up with time [i really have] or that i am too busy to think of a post [ i have been busy before but i have always posted] or for the fact i feel a lot fatigued and drained these days; but to me too it sounds lame. even Anwesa's life saving act [read:the interview] couldn't pull me out and make me write. its all a little too complicated on my end and i can barely breathe..

2ND of June was samik's birthday and incidentally our 4 year anniversary too. i had a beautiful morning, i was yanked from my sleeping stupor to received "the thing" that had come for me. nothing making sense, my eyes hardly open, i managed to scribble my name as i slumped on the sofa only to be bombarded by a series of questions as to who sent me a huge bouquet of pink roses and orchids. Dad even went on to say how my secret admirer was thoughtful as he ushered my birthday 3 month in advance, if this wasn't enough mom let the cat out of the bag saying how come on Samik's birthday i get flowers sent by him?!! :P no really it was hilarious and very embarrassing.. but nonetheless a thoughtful gesture which i absolutely appreciated... the whole event was a dream come true and the flowers were totally out of the world! :)

Since i have just about a month and half okay 41 days to be precise, to leave now the whole house is swinging into action.. meri ma sach mein meri maa nikli...she brought out this huge list [read that went on to be about 4 pages] of the things i need to buy and the stuff i need to take. in fact right now i bailed out sometime for myself to blog, because i was feeling so bad for neglecting my bloggie for so long.. and really i meant what i had said i am going to blog even in Bangalore and there is no two ways about it... 

i have been talking to this new friend of mine her name is Vaidehi, she got through my college [okay calling JU my college for so many years, and now referring to IIJNM as college is so weird i tell you... :) ] and we both have decided to be roomies. thankfully to the delight of both of us, we have discovered similar tastes and likings, we are a lot alike in the kind of person we are... and it looks like i am going to have a good time there.. she seems nice and affectionate and i am really having a good time getting to know her.. hopefully someday i will get to splash pictures of her on my blog once we become good friends. she is now one of the reasons why i am looking forward to my new college.

its the beginning to an end... and everything seems to be taking me a step closer to leaving home, it is a scary feeling but then i am a lot excited too, though i fear tears and heart burn wont be far off but i am so eager to test the waters myself. i have managed to pack all my graduation books and xeroxes into two massive boxes and another box contains all my memories of slam book, scribbled tees,movie tickets etc, these were the toughest to pack. i was almost in tears thinking of packing all this away to clear my room to make space. some day i have to leave my Brad Pitt [my pc] too and then he will be possessed by Roshni or mom, the only consolation will be that my emails and chats will be view through Brad..sigh!! god I'm getting all weepy and senti here :)

god can u believe it i get almost everything new! from hair clips to undies.. from books and copies to equipments.. god! i feel so important and like a Queen. imagine the shopping expeditions, the phase1 starts today!! :) accha that reminds me i am getting a new phone and an ipod too... now i need help..im looking at nokia 5130 Xpress music [click the link] and i was wondering if at all i should do for Ipod or ditch it for an Mp4 player..see the logic is.. for ipod u need to download itunes, i wonder if i will be able to do that in college computers, moreover with the same amount i get a 2GB MP4 player.. since i am not big gadget expert if you guys have any idea...kindly shed some light :) funny how talks of shopping always perks you up na?? :) 

btw in case you are interested i wrote Yams a guest post... if you wish you can view it here.

I'm so in vogue these days i tell you that people invite me to their blogs to write posts.. first it was yams and then it was Mayank and the list just goes on and on. jokes apart! :) i am really honoured to write all the words but this zalim writers block..at times like this all i can say is Thank you God for gifting me Anwesa.. [you know what i mean now don't you my bind?! :P]

Phew!! this really is a long long post!! god u guys must be bored to death.. so sorry haan bura mat mana..bas aisai suddenly you know under ki bhadas nikal hi ayaa... :)

chalo i am off for now... next time will try to come back with a better post..till then you guys smile and take care... mwuaaaaaaaaaah!! :)

P.S- if you find any hot guys send him this way please! :)

A Lil bit of everything

Brace yourselves guys this is a really random post... :)

i have hardly a clue what i am writing now.. no i haven't lost it.. yet. but its just that i broke my glasses, and it took a really long time to get it fixed. so im virtually blind right now, my glasses come only tomorrow or day after tomorrow, so that means i can bunk studies some more.. :)





No i'm not celebrating summers here. its just that the heat here in Kolkata has become a record of sorts. its at 41.5 degrees with a humidity of 98% with no signs of rain. the Met too doesn't even make their usual fake promises of rain, which could however have pacified us. with loo blowing, and sweat making skin sticky and wet, its a terrible situation. i just hope the rains come soon, for without the respite surviving this heat will be tough, as already 5 people have died.

I have been hooked to watching Mtv Roadies and this time it was a nail biting finish. and by far the best in roadies. okay don't cringe because its a reality show and all that. not all are bad. yea roadies may seem like a show for wannabes and with Palak you cant really blame people for berating the show; but however there are the lines of Nauman and Kiri who show their true worth. the best part of the finale was,Kiri choose someone equal to fight instead of a weak contender [with a lot of brainstorming by Raghu and Rajiv] the task that both had to do in the finale was really exhilarating and i was in the edge of my seat. its a task that could be performed only on the basis of cheer passion and will to win. and Nauman did just that. he slipped and fell twice, he was cheered by only a few, he could have given up but he tried and Kiri put up a worthy fight but when Nauman lifted the flag and then collapsed having won the battle, i realized something for myself. if you have the passion in you, and the will to succeed, nothing ever is a hindrance, is not really abut winning, but its about the passion with which you do it, and the satisfaction you receive when you know you have done your best.


I think im destined to be a mom much before i actually give birth to my offspring, first my niece and then Samik. Samik has always been childish and had never portrayed any maturity but what he has been up to lately is beyond everything. he has been making really discouraging remarks about my choice of career etc, moreover he makes this insane demand of me 'taking him with me' to the college i will be taking admission. i mean this is bizarre!! here i am trying my best to make my dreams come true using what maybe my last opportunity and he chooses just this very time to be all lovey dovey and like a baby he keeps cribbing for my attention. and trust me he can be a handful. so right now I'm all smothered almost chocked with the attention im getting. and no its not as cute as it sounds, for right now i could do with some moral support and understanding than having to deal with a baby. thank god at least he is toilet trained! phew! god help me!!

this is my 496th post! yay!! look out for this space for some surprises soon... :)I'm about to take a sabbatical soon!!

Beginning to an End

i was so looking forward to the college to end.but what i had not anticipated even in my wildest dreams that college coming to an end, would mean not seeing you in college everyday.

those conversations through scribbling on chits,
those moments of absolute bliss,
the study sessions,
the urgent phone calls,
and midnight texts
the jittery nerves.
the silent gazes and hasty hugs.
the scribbles and doodles,
the fake tattoos and autographs
the canteen talk or bitching sessions.
the reminiscence of happier times,
the tears of anguish and distress
the smiles and promises of a better tomorrow.
will be missed.

love is hardly the word, that can express just what i feel for you, thank you for being my friend.

its my last day at college tomorrow, Wednesday is our farewell. the day i have been waiting for is here. from here, it will be an onward journey and i will make good things happen.

Exhausted!

I have been waiting for this time for almost the last three years.. a time when i will look forward to the second phase in my life. it is finally here, and to be honest i have been taken aback. often we anticipate for a thing to happen, but we are unaware of how the days and months go by, and the most anticipated thing stands there right in front of you. i don't know how many application forms i have filled, or drafts I've made or for that matter i have almost lost tract on last dates of application or declaration of admission test candidates etc. suddenly it seems all the walls are closing in, with study pressure at college, graduation exams and these entrances that have been scheduled in between my semester exams.. i know i sound repetitive but all this stress is just too much to handle.

This stress is really getting to me, for I'm not keeping well either, lack of sleep, perennial headache, and low BP; and the hot and humid weather isn't helping either. and guess what? i have a lot of mental and emotional stress to deal with, hmm yes some of it is my doing of course :) i never really believed in luck but then now i seem to think otherwise. take for example A [good for nothing, least interested in studies, irregular to college, class clown etc] applies to a place 1, and gets through, how? there are 50 seats and all the 45 people applying gets through, so he is now to move out of his home town to study there once college ends... now for B [enterprising but not polished, with bad English language skills] who applies in one of the premier institutions say 2, total seats 20 our of which 6 for general; 150 people are called for interview, and guess what?B gets in, because from this year seats have been increased to 100 and he was among those 100 to get through.. Just imagine!!

No its not envy, its plain fear that i feel at the moment. fear of not making through. to fail, for not being good enough. its haunting and it is one of the reasons why I'm having sleepless nights. i hardly have time these days to either sleep or prepare for my entrances. i will feel a whole lot guilty if after applying to so many places i don't even make it to even one, after all its dad who is funding me. i know i should not let stress of negativity to get to me; but then its hard to brush aside such thoughts, when all you hear in college, is who has got through where or where one is planning to go. there is so much i want to do but there is something that keeps pulling me back, maybe its just fear or apprehension. i just don't know what i will do if this totally backfires. i don't think i can forgive myself for not getting through the places i have been dreaming of ever since i was a kid. sigh!

don't mind me.. its just stress and exhaustion.all i need is some sleep and rest but then i hardly have the time :( !! somehow i just hope this phase goes by quickly and i too get to know what I'm destined for, good or bad; i just don't want to be suspended out of nowhere, not knowing where I'm headed, i think the wait is killing me... please! please! please god make my dreams come true!!

Rainy .....

Despite the sweat trickling down my face and my neck, despite the sun burning my skin, despite being tanned shades darker, do you know why Kolkata is the best in summers?? and why i simply and totally love the summers in spite of the soaring mercury?

Well no prizes for guessing its because of the rains... in Kolkata we haveNorwester called Kalboishakhi.. storm clouds darken the skies in the late evenings.. there is a storm, with cool cool breeze that almost wipes off the fatigue of the day, its such that it makes sweeps you off your feet and makes you forget the heat and humidity that made the day such an impossible one.. soon after dusk it rains hard for a spell and two and then its over, making the whole atmosphere much cooler, and with the breeze ensuring it remains so.. the nights sleep are assured to be good. but these rains are not the marathon ones which goes on for days, just those which pops up for sometime and then goes away. at times there are hail storms too and those are one helluva an experience.you just have to be here to experience it, its simply too good an experience to explain.

Last year a few friends from my locality called me up on a tremendously rainy day asking me if i was free, knowing that i was free i was ordered to change into shorts and tee. doing as i was asked, i stood waiting for my friends, i saw them wading through knee deep water waving frantically at me.. soon i joined them and together the three of us went almost swimming through the dirty water, with shoes floating .. young boys trying to catch fish[yeah there were fishes because we have a lake nearby which flooded its banks a little] and there we were out to survey our locality, of course we were eye candy, people stared at us thinking us to be mad. we sailed paper boats and went in search of a nearby chai shop which obviously wasn't opened because we three were the only mad ones out...nonetheless it was amazing... it was rather cold and wading through the cold water made our feet numb, but then chatting away to glory with friends reliving the times spent as kids is the ultimate bliss... it felt like old times when as kids we would purposely get out of home just to sail paper boats and splash about. rains always remind me of pleasant things... it has a magical effect on me.. and i so love the rains!!

Yeah this is yet another rain induced post but i just cant help it.. its just that it rained three days in a row, which made me really happy from inside, something which i was in look out for since a long time, at a time when I'm really caught up with tons of work and tensions and fear. it has been raining bad things at my end but these rare moments of happiness and smiles are like a much needed respite.

On graver issues.. one of the two friends with whom i have grown up and about whom i spoke about a little earlier, just informed me that her mother is suffering from crevical cancer. its a blow not only to my friend but to me too. her mother is like a mother to me too, all three of us have spent our prime together and its really a tremendous shock! here's wishing Kakima recovers from this grave ailment... and may god give us strength to bear this cross bravely...


On a lighter note.. its Uncle's birthday... [Richa's Dad] here's wishing you uncle A Very Happy Birthday!! :)

Moreover, the last two months i had just lost touch with 'me' and my blogging suffered. i wanted to write but couldn't hence the sloppy posts and frequent tags. i don't know why but i feel good despite everything falling apart around me. the comment segment of my blog and the new friends make me feel happier and encourage me to write. yes i feel sane and happy that i seem to have found my flair back.. phew!! :D *grins*

Tests , tests and more tests are coming my way... so yes that's screwing me big time but then to think just 16 days to go before my college days ends.. keeps me happy and gay :) yippee!!

Btw i started this post just for Anwesa to perk up her mood and it was her demand to read a rain post but i ended it up as yet another of my rants.. so sorry Anne.. don't mind.. I'm just not in my elements as of now... but will be back with a better post next time.. promise... :)

Hey I'm Back!

Last few days has passed, even before i knew what was happening. despite coming back from the trip, neither did i have the energy nor the mental stamina to blog about it. for that matter i have tons of things i need to do but i just never managed to. with tests and assignments flooding in, getting over the trip hangover was another thing i had to deal with.

The trip was that of a lifetime. despite the hype and expectations, it was good in parts and mostly disappointing. letting our hair down, enjoying with friends especially those who are like minded makes a holiday a blissful one, add to it some spectacular scenic beauty. what i best loved was the evening we spent all together, stretched out on the easy chairs, enjoying our chilled drinks, chatting up, as the breeze caressed our face as the horizon stretched out as a mesmerizing view. it was perfect. almost! what i probably expected was some basic things but then those get dashed unceremoniously. anyway i enjoyed myself immensely, had some awesome food. for pictures, do drop in your mail id's so that i can invite u to my photo blog.

Now on to other stuff. i feel proud of and happy for a dear friend, who on the basis or sheer hard work has made it to the B-school in Pune. CONGRATULATIONS Yams!! And here's wishing you the very best of luck of a golden future ahead! :)

Things however isn't all happy on my end. iv heard some really bad news lately. my late friend Papri's mom expired on Sunday, and i got to know the sad news while on the trip. it was earth shattering, a person whom i met exactly one year back and now she is no more, its the most hurtful thing. i feel sorry for uncle who has lost not only his only daughter;Papri and now his wife. may god give uncle the strength to bear this huge loss and may aunty's soul rest in peace.

Uncle, Richa's dad has met with an accident. and Samik's niece Mohor too isnt well, and was admitted in the hospital and was in a serious condition. so here's wishing both Mohor and Uncle a speedy recovery. Get Well Soon!!

Moreover, i have been a really bad girl, i haven't taken out time for my blogger friends, Richa, Nikhil and Anwesa; i haven't been able to come online neither have i managed to keep up with them, however that is about to change now! guys I'm Sorry! i hope you are not angry! pretty polly please!

Another 25 days and I'm outta college and i cant explain just how happy that makes me feel! but the nagging fear is there, what if the sliver of hope gets dashed and my dreams don't come true? i know i will put in my best and the rest is well up to what has been destined for me. O yea! I forgot! remember? i told you, about the undeserving people getting through an interview at Google? well most of us got the call for the next round of the interview. yea me too! Yahoo! the interview went well! waiting for the results now! I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

i hope you all are well? :) how you doin? joey ishtlye!! a la friends :P :)

Random Rambling

There were a million things i wanted to write in the past few days but since the story was on i have stifled the thoughts to focus on the story instead. must add here if you have liked the story then its all for Anwesa, who had pestered the hell out of me to bring back Neel and Noyona, there have been stumbling blocks but I'm just glad i could manage to end it and that too on a note i most wanted. and trust me writing about them was worth it for two people, one is Anwesa for sure, then is Yamini, because when i had earlier wrote on Neel and Noyona she had first visited my blog and judging from her reaction it was all worth it! thank you people all those who liked it and all those who didn't! :)

So what is up on my front? well i haven't really gone to college in the last 2 weeks and i havent had classes for almost 2 and a half weeks.. why? well first we had a 4 days conference, then came a Monday and Tuesday, where people were still in conference ending and next seminar preparation mode, then came a bandh and then the 23-26th weekend and then last week, where most of my profs were away to Hyderabad for a seminar so i took a long long holiday :) so I'm surely dreading tomorrow because now the tough times times begin, with this being my last semester, study pressures are going to be high! i need some serious prayers here..

On personal front is a huge event that entails massive compromise and adjustments, Samik is leaving for Bangalore in exact 20 days, he has got a new and better job there. we have been inseparable for the last 4 years, we always did everything together, shopping, hanging out, talking to each other for hours etc and now suddenly everything is going to change. Insecurities? well yea had my share but thankfully i got over it. now i have embraced whatever may come my way, it cant be easy, it was maddening when he had gone for short trips earlier but i know even if i fail i can always dust myself and stand up yet again! Anwesa, Richa and Mayank were amazing friends to me these last few days and really with such friends around i feel like saying "come on Problems, bring it on!" but id like to warn you before hand in case you would want to blame me someday that i didn't do my bit :) I'm may be emotionally highly charged, there may be whinings and rants and teary posts! but just understand me, i will be back with the fun and smiling posts okay? just dont abandon me! :)

Moving on, there are several issues id like to talk on but then if i use them here then id be losing out on another few posts... so i ll just save my ideas... :)

BTW i did an interview of Anwesa on her blogs 50Th post.. kindly check that out! :) thanks!

And Nikhil [aka multi menon] is having his exams and he seemed tensed! (damn just when i write a post because of someone, he is just not there.) so here's wishing him a very best of luck!

Wassup with you guys? i hope you all are doing well?? i know i havent been regular on commenting but hey look out... here i come! :D

Take care people!

Cheerio!

Being a girl is like living a life of utter indignity!

Let me warn you that i am angry and extremely pissed and this post is just a remedy to get off that thing that has turned my life living hell. So if you think you will be bored stop reading it, now or come back later when a different post is up. I should probably post this is my all girls blog but then i need to vent and i need to vent it here.
For the first time in life i felt that being a girl can be such a pain in life. Until today I have never faced the brunt of any injustice because i am a girl but what happened today made me feel bad for being a girl. What happened today shouldn't have happened and i don't know just how to get over it and move on. I know tomorrow maybe i will have better sense to look beyond everything, to regain the hope and faith and deal with this situation better but as of now, I'm angry,insulted, pissed, humiliated hurt and extremely disappointed.
A girl no matter how careerist, or homely, always envisions that the day the talks of her marriage will be broached will be a happy affair. it will be a beautiful moment that will be with her for life. I'm not different. but today my happiness turned into insult, humiliation and utter disappointment and hurt. Samik's folks brought up the topic of marriage today. its their tonality and perspective of looking at our marriage that led to this being my worst nightmare. They made me feel I'm an object.. some alu bhindi, with no dreams or desires, that i should get married and why? Because if Samik gets married then he will be settled he will learn to take responsibilities, and if he moves out of town, he will have me to take care of him. i wonder why his parents need a literature graduate servant for their son, to take care of him. i was angry and aghast. all this was coming from people who i believed loved me back, who are so concerned about me and my well being. they know about my future aspirations to study and work and yet they say stuff like this; and what could be worse, they spoke to me in third person, making me feel even worse, like "we were telling samik, get married because you will have someone to take care of you, and you wont be feeling alone or bored. having a wife will make him responsible" and i was dying to yell at them, " and what about me? and my dreams and wishes? am i that trivial?" damn!! i cant belive people in 21st century are like this, specially people who claim to love me treating me like im something that need to be weighed and sold; it hurts like hell. i cant belive that such people exist who they have double standards one reserved for thier daughter and one for their daughter-in-law.

Are we girls born only so that we can be married off?? are we not an individual at all? if any of you guys reading this, then make a mental note now; never let your parents talk you into such atrocious things, never do it to your own daughter and never ever let anyone related to you or not, go through this at all. marraige is a beautiful thing to happen, but it should happen when the time is right and when the two people are ready for it. i hope none of you have to go through what i did.

Btw NO IM NOT GETTING MARRIED!! :x

Agenda for the coming year!

With each hurdle comes an oppertunity, to learn and to try and succeed. With this year almost coming to an end and the lessons that i learnt, are too invaluable for words. Among loads of things that i learnt, these are the 5 things i promise myself for the next year.

• In life, no matter how fiercely independent i am, i find myself always sacrificing my needs and wants paving way for others. in this way i neglect myself. But in the new year i pledge to think about myself and not give in to others who tend to take me for granted and don't regard my wishes at all. its better to be forthright and speak out things, instead of standing by and silently suffering.

• No matter just how essential it is for me to find a solution to every problem, i will try and realize that there are certain things way beyond my to control. i will restrict myself from expressing the tiniest of problems with people, hoping to solve it, when clearly others don't notice it or regard it as a problem at all. i must learn to let go.

• There are loads of changes coming up in my life this year. Hopefully i will move out to study my PG, i will be away from home, family and friends and everything i call my own. Im averse to changes and i simply hate them, and i almost suffer panic attacks when I'm away from my people of things. but i make a promise to give in gracefully to the new changes, to make an effort to adjust myself to them.

• I must get out of my shell to think constructively and prepare myself to take a stand where my personal relationship is concerned, good or bad. i need to be firm and take a call, and stick by it. re-assertion of my personal aims should be a key word next year.
  

• And lastly i would try and break out of the notions and principles i had created for myself, which detain me in shackles, which i know i can do without considering that i have my head firmly on my shoulders. Being a little less principalistic wont harm specially since im turning into a pious and conservative old tart! i will try and be more confident and take pride in my existence.
  

No resolutions these are not. just mental notes, things i need to develop to evolve into a successful human being. hopefully next year will ne better than this one. have you guys made pointers too or is it just weirdo me??!!

May god always guide us in our endevours and give us strength to overcome whatever dissapointment that may come our way, next year. Have a great Year Ending!

Blog,Myself and Exams....

Phew! the month long blog-a-thon thus comes to an end today. i had planned that in November i ll blog everyday..and voila !! my job is done... well you can applaud my skills of writing crap.. but id very modestly admit.. i d nothing much to do anyway but write... :) 32 posts in one month is no mean feat because there are such moments when i do face writers block... anyway... I'm drifting here....

these are just a few of the books in my course this semesters...

My semesters begin tomorrow.... i have done my bit but not really seriously or diligently like i do otherwise... am i nervous wreck that i am usually before exams?!! hell no!! :) in fact I'm just cool... I'm doing everything on earth than give my 100% in studies.. Ive decided that if i don't feel like/ or i don't like doing something i wont. and this is a funda i use everywhere in everything... silly i know but hey that's me... :D

that's me in my wavy hair

I've been obsessing about myself a lot lately... been thinking of straightening my hair.. now straightening my hair is not something i have been too fond of or dying to get done... in fact i love my wavy hair.... now shelling Rs 4000-5000 on getting it professionally done is not something i consider wise...in fact i think its a waste of money... a hair straightener to get it done temporarily maybe a safe bet....but then I'm aiming at an image makeover...I'm tired of feeling bad about myself, I've only now started taking pride in being me because earlier i felt overweight and ugly... there is a host of things I'm aiming at doing BUT after loosing weight.... i need new specks.. new hairstyle... a tee or two.. a good bright sweater.. ipod... these are things i so want but I'm keeping them as a bait for myself to shed some weight.... phew! what not i do... really.... do you think i should go for hair straightening?? because i have long hair... but after my hair dries it curls up deceiving the actual length and i can hardly carry any proper style off, one because my hair is wavy and two because my hair grows damn fast... people i need some help here...

since my semesters will be on for the next two weeks and i cant bring myself up to quit blogging or even spend considerable time thinking of something new each day.. i have devised a plan.. i thought i ll post on random 5 things per post... will put in updates of exams and all ... god! how i want to get rid of these semesters so that i can just enjoy the glorious winter... :)

anyways i quit rambling here... :)

have a great week ahead!

cheerio!!

P.S- i have put up a pic of mine, in wavy hair and notice the nose piercing... i had been meaning to write about it but never got around to doing it.... do comment on it too... :)

Stressed!!

I've been planning to pen down a lot of things but unfortunately due to time constraint i'm unable to do so. so if you find me writing a little crap here and there, then please overlook it, for a few more days.

My college has finally reopened after the hols and it is anything but fun! its my third and last year here in JU. a few more months and i graduate. year ending is a little hectic for me. so many applications to put in. keeping tabs of all the colleges i will be applying for, and to start preparing for it. my uncle persuaded me to sit for a management entrance exam, and i was really reluctant, reason: dreaded maths which i cant do even to save my life. but i gave it a good thought and I'm going to apply for MAT, just to give it a shot, and see if HR comes beckoning to me. rest is up to god! advertising/ journalism/ cultural studies or HR, i haven't a clue. but then i cant really make a choice now. after all beggars cannot be choosers. and who knows what i am destined for. i just hope something happens. this whole graduating thing and applications for PG course is leaving me stressed and extremely fatigued. so i have to sit down to do maths now, at least i can try.

Moreover i have just two more weeks, this week and next, of classes before college closes for study leave and the first week of December i have my semesters. so does that mean im going to be irregular here on blogging circuits? well not not even a chance. these two weeks, straight after hols im loaded with classes, extra classes and more tests, and quite a few books remaining to be done still. if this wasnt enough i have to manage my 6 students whom i teach, yeah you have heard it right! i teach kids. no, i'm not finished yet, its such a shame really to come online, and not be able to spend considerable time,with so many of my blogger friends who are online,i request you to please bear with me, for just a few more days; because with loads to studies, and blogs to write, read and comment, i'm hardly getting any time at all for myself. now i have started getting up 2 hours earlier to study and read and comment on blogs. so practically i'm getting just about 4-5 hours of sleep.i'm a wreck really.zombie would be more appropriate! :P

i just hope i don't go absolutely insane and all you people don't run every time you see my blog has been updated, because yes i may rant to vent my frustration. but i promise to write relevant stuff too :)


Sunday Anil Kumble announced his retirement, after the tea break during the last day test match at Kotla, he bowed out. to all the cricket lovers it was an end of an era. i was almost in tears to see him wave for the last time. it wrenched the heart to see a stalwart like Kumble retire, giving in to his injuries. having hurt his fingers, that would render him unable to play the next test; he decided to end his cricketing career in this usual quite calm and grace. his absence will be felt. the next test match will be the last match of another legend,Sourav Ganguly. with two of the greatest players retiring a significant beginning to an end, of an era begins. farewell!

i wish closing my eyes,

would deem my problems non-existent

alas!but it is not to be!

Rambling

Just how do you think im feeling right now having to read 400 odd pages of this book ADAA GOAN [a village divided] when the whole atmosphere is that of celebration. the countdown has begun, 4 more days to go and then panchami dawns heralding Durga pujas. and for this silly silly classmate of mine, who asked this really nerdy and unpredictable teacher when she would take a test and that she better take it before the pujas or she may have problems. and guess what? that moron actually gave us a test that too on Friday the 3rd, just one day before the puja starts. now i have to salvage 400 odd pages of utter rubbish of which i cant make head or tail. damn! all i want to do is to set back and see the celebrations and take in the whole ambiance.

This is my last pujas here. next year i may not even make it home, and such a thing really dampens my spirit. the best thing is clouds is coming home and i hope to catch up with her. somehow i have arranged a meet with old school pals that too is coming up. i have to go over to samik's place to meet his jiju who is coming to visit, now that is an occasion I'm feeling a little scared of but i think with samik and didi around we will manage just fine. and there is a night out with samik of course to go pandal hopping with his friends. aahh! i hope this pujas are most memorable but to enjoy pujas i need give this dreadful test! might as well get it done and over with! but you guys beware of such hidden worms in class or work place, who bring on more not only on themselves but on others, much more than they themselves can manage! god!

Wassup

Being away from my blog is such a pain and not surprisingly all kinds of problem occur only with me so you can well imagine.. yes first person to be blamed is my internet. My service provider has now changed, actually the organization from whom I would take my package has now split into two groups, so now the wires and everything else has to be changed and new connection has to be established. Phew!

I donated blood on Sunday. What went wrong was I had woken up with a headache and a somewhat sore throat, but nonetheless I went. This time blood donation was somewhat smooth, no needle hassles like other times; when the doc isn’t able to find my vein, so he screwed the needle into my skin in search of that vein. Ouch! Guess what? I was the only girl and the youngst person to donate blood. Samik of course wasn’t too happy when he heard about it, but then I told him once I was back home and resting. Lol! Seriously I haven’t felt that weak in ages, I could barely sit straight. But still I went shopping in crowded markets J

Seeing the live coverage and report of the dehi blasts left me shattered. To seee canaught place, greater kailash and karol bagh being the victims of terrorism not only affected me, but to see the places with whom I have such fond memories, which stood for all things special to me being reduced to shambles brought tears to me eye. Samik and I both couldn’t get over the fact, that just 9 months back we were at the same place, having the time of our lives. I really hope the government will take strict action against terrorism, to ensure its citizens a happy and secure life.

I have a test coming up but im just too sick for words. This cold is killing me. I have just no clue what I am going to do. But I guess I will try and make use of the time in bed to relax and catch up with studies. Hopefully things work out. The first of my first internal results are out, they are pretty good, atleast I am happy. I got a 7 out of 10, the heighest being 8. I am putting in efforts I hope I am being rewarded.

Samik is serving his notice period in HSBC. He will get his release by November 8^th if it is not extended till maybe the end of the month. So spending the pujas is so not happening. But then we can spend the morning anjalis together, or so I hope. We have made some plans to enjoy ourselves before samik leaves. It is a big step. A Shantiniketan [ a place, where Rabindranath tagore opened his esteemed institutions. My mom is a pass out of it.] trip being planned with friends, I hope I can convince a few girl friends of mine to come along only then this trip will become a reality. And if it does, then it sure promises some good times ahead before the dreaded reality will step in.