Too much on my platter! :(

Everyday i wake up thinking yet another day has passed and I'm getting closer and closer to leaving..my heart is heavy, i know it will not be easy but i will get used to it...no i wont rant about my 'leaving home blues' i have successfully shooed away most of my friends who don't read me anymore.. but well i totally understand.. i haven't been writing any substantiate anyway... :)

Things at my end is well.. all too chaotic.. i had thought my last few days here would be peaceful..with quality time with my blog, my family and samik...but turns out that i cant find time to write on my blog if i do get even a few minutes i cant seem to do much.and this time crunch explains why i havent been able to read and comment on your blogs..sorry!.. mom has been ignored mostly..because i am out to please her, by visiting relatives all the time.. when i am home I'm tired and sleepy so much so that my body aches in fatigue... i cant sleep..i sleep in the wee hours of the morning only to be woken up rudely to go and meet someone again...samik has been really busy too and he cant seem to find time to spend with me..and id like to believe he wont find time to talk to me..for if we want we can find time for anything....anyway.. so all in all its been really harrowing... on top of it.. my mom has taken away all my clothes to keep aside for packing...and wont give me anything to wear out to meet the scores of relatives...damn!

Btw yesterday i went to Dakhineshwar its a very holy temple in the out skirts of the city.. i had done a mannat there about my leaving kolkata getting to study what i wanted to.. well by god's grace i have been granted that... :) so i went to offer my prayers and to ask something more from them..[them because i cant understand what to refer god as her /him.. because when i am alone i refer to god as him.. and when in temple i refer to god as her.. so I'm confused...:P] anyway i seem to realize what a greedy pig i am.. every time i go i tell god give me this and i wont ask anything again and i go back to offer prayers and ask again... now even god will say 'sorry you have exceeded the number of prayers" hey bhagwaan don't do this to me please... :) i am really scared that he will stop listening to me... on a serious note.. i am not a very religious person but i somehow have faith in god.. in the darkest hour of my life.. all i could do was to think of god and pray to him..and I'm thankful that he thought me worthy of granting my wishes...and ging to a temple really calms me down and makes me so humble.. i really have understood the meaning and the power of prayers... :)

Anyway I'm almost ready to faint there... i have to meet around 4 people today.... you guys have a good day ahead... and have fun.. and keep smiling..

Emosonal Attyachar

What would most of us have done if Anurag Kashyap had'nt made the movie Dev.D? we would have lost of out on a nice catch line to express the emotional torture we have to bear, but of course in a semi desi way. OK that was the worse Pj of the century. but honestly, i know the term "emosonal attyachar" is now almost a cliche but then it is an apt expression to the hell I've been going through of late.

My college ends on 21st of April then i have 2 weeks of study leave, during which and after which i have not only my semesters [graduation exams] but also entrance exams to various colleges. As if having Tamil again after 3 semesters [i have forgotten almost all of what i had learnt previously] in our course was difficult to cope up with, we have study pressure to maintain our grades and GPA, and SGPA [don't you dare ask me the full forms.. okay i don't know myself! :X] and the entrances. the least thing i need is people emotionally blackmailing me and instead of encouraging me they discourage me and add to tension and fear i already have regarding my performance.

Everyone i know offers me free advice and career counselling... you know na that ghisa pitta dialogue.. akeli ladki khuli hue tijori ki tarah hai and all that jazz??!! its the same old thing.. why don't you pursue your PG here? what will you do anyway.. all you need is a masters degree in your kitty for that why do you have to waste so much money studying out of the city etc etc. Yes i know studying outside the city wont be a piece of cake, i know i have a lot of emotional baggage myself, for i just cant stay away from anything or anyone familiar, least of all without my niece or samik but if I'm willing to battle it out, because this is the last chance i will ever get to study what i want and to pursue my dream career and should'nt my loved ones try and encourage me at least? but no! they can just sit back and pass their judgements.. come on losers get a life!! I'm not born to stay in my well and turn out to be a typical housewife. be careful for what you wish for.. if i ever have to stay back, then trust me, i will suck so bad at the things you expect out of me, that you will wish you never wished me to stay in the first place. so look out!! or better still wish me luck and let me go...

Uncle. sister, niece, relatives and friends..all are the perpetrators of the torture im going through.. and the list could go on but what's really tough is to explain to my mother, its frustrating and irritating, not because of the generation gap but because despite being a woman herself she refuses to see things that a woman goes through. a woman's life is not limitless like the sky, and specially one who is committed. she does not have the liberties as much as a guy can enjoy, so if she must fulfill her dreams and ambitions she must do it before she is tied down in life and before the time runs out, because her options are lesser as compared to men. Is it so difficult for people who are near and dear to me, to let me go, for my happiness and betterment? all i ask is 2-3 years after which i know i will be tied down with responsibilities, till then, spare me the emosanal attyachar and wish me luck, because i know i deserve better than the hogwash i have been served lately.hmmph!!

College is nearly over!

College these days seem so different. it amazes me to even think that this is the same place i used to hang out for hours altogether, the same people i used to have so much fun. other than khyati everyone has changed, she continues to remain her same old bubbly self always ready for some action, others are like least bothered about anything around them.

Yesterday Shreya came into class and announced that she got through MAT and will move to Bangalore in July. Rohit got through SOAS. most sat for SNAP, one got in others didn't. everyone is busy keeping updated about admission news, which form is out which is not. there is a certain lull in all the actvity. it really seems all of us are finally gearing up to take life ahead from where college will end. so it that good or bad? good in a sense because im sure happy for everyone who has life almost etched out in front of them and not so bad in the other, because a sense of deja vu gripps me.

I dont know how the last three years just whisked by. most of the time i was so engulfed in pain and misery that i must have missed out on a lot of fun. but no regrets.its just seeing the last few months of college thus slipping by, almost like a handful of sand. it makes me feel a wide array of things, fears and apprehensions for my future, nostalgic about what is today and what wont be..cautious and edgy about the people who feautre in my college memories, varing a few all are pretty worthless. so where does that leave me? i dont know... maybe hoping that i can make it to the places im aiming for and praying that i dont have to stay back here...after all for a girl sky is not all that limitless.

Thoughts

Okay so the exams were just okay.. you ll ask why? well it was lengthy and my hand had a cramp, fingers were stiff and damn profs mixed and matched texts that made the paper more lengthy and more analytical. my fastrack seems to be down in the dumps like me so keep taking breaks now and then, almost rendering me helpless.. damn! moreover i got an answer paper from one of the most important papers and i did not get good marks just plain average.... that too just before the exams.. surely it wasn't helping either!! so much for luck!! anyway its over so and the score now stands at; only two more exams to go and im kinda happy, i know i ll have lot to worry when the results are out, yeah i am prepared to be dissapointed, for not being treated fair.. dont worry i ll get over it.. its regular you see... i never seem to get anything better.. yeah thats what you call 'my bad luck being bad' day!!

There are millions of happy things crossing my mind even when I'm writing these sullen words. dont bother asking... I'll tell you anyway.. well guess what?? I spoke to Miss Happiness the other day for the first time ever..and she was the sweetest... she was everything i had dreamt of and more.. and we spent most of the time giggling and i was so excited that i was talking non-stop.. in English, and some very broken and awkward hindi.. :) yup you guessed it... its the belated budday girl; Harshita I'm talking about... :)

Okay more on thoughts.... there is a major secret I'm keeping.. im bursting to tell.. but somehow i think its jinxed if i say before it happening it may ruin the fun! hmm from the track record of such things maybe i can call 'it' my winter bonanza... okay my thoughts on just what i am going to do when the exams are over just has to stop... phew! because I'm getting all dreamy and teary here... okay now back to something meaningful its something that i wanna know....

Have you ever loved someone
Knowing well that he/she will never reciprocate your feelings?
If yes, then
What makes you do it?

The love im talking about need not be between a man and woman..
no i am not upset or depressed... just asking... :)

P.S- i'm tired and fatigued, so much so that i dont have a clue as to what exactly im saying.... i may just pass out with exhaustion.. people overlook anything you dont find up to the mark... i just had a bad day.. it was too much to handle!pardon me for that.. okay enough.. i just have to hit the sack! NOW!! will come back and comment tomorrow... promise...