A penny for my thoughts..

How does it feel to rip out a part of you that was you once held dear but which had since then become dead and decayed? Since it deserved to be amputated, i did so without remorse. I will be with the one who values me and not the one with empty words. this is it! over!

Changing times..

There are times you actually have to let go
to selfishly put yourself before others
to realize,that however good it is, it wont work
to have courage to hear the voice of reason;
amidst a din of the heart that weakens you
it is then time to steel yourself and
do what you know is right,
even if the result is far from happy.
tears and longing will try and weaken your resolve
solitude will break your heart.
no matter how difficult it is, the final step should be taken

This year that was

No come back speeches no promises to keep blogging. i write because i want to. another year has drawn to an end. a year that will be a landmark in my life. a year in which i 'Grew Up' all of 22 yea i grew up.

i was among those who stay at home and are dying to go out into the world, live on my own away from family, fiercely ambitious and independent who want to live life on my own terms. but what i had not bargained for is knowing life for what it really is, and not how i viewed it. i remember making resolutions that this year will be that year when i move out of home, and at the end of it i have moved out. and these Christmas holidays when i am home, I'm living the live i had left behind on rent; and even though it is borrowed i think this is the most beautiful and heavenly places on earth for me. yea staying away from home makes even the earlier hellish like home seem like heaven.

leaving behind everything i grew up with was probably the hardest thing i have done till date. i still cant believe that i have managed to stay without all the things i loved. living in a new city, sharing a room with 4 others is not easy to say the least. there were some minor problems and then there were major problems but then i took it on. there were times things went way bad than i could have ever imagined. i felt everything crumbling, i knew i would never be able to stand up and face it again but then i did it. i learned to face things i wasn't proud of or things that made me feel terrible about myself.i felt like an idiot at times, i lost my confidence my zest for life and somewhere the reason for why i am where i am. I'm still clawing in the dark to find that one light that would guide me through. a lot of discoveries i have made about people but first and foremost about me. being at home you don't realize what you like and what you don't, or the kind of person you will be. i saw a glimpse of the kind of person i will be: prim and proper. one who keeps her shoes together, her cupboard in place, her laundry done and no pending work, in a word control freak. and i love that about myself, because at home I'm quite the opposite but living in a hostel taught me what a cleanliness freak i can be, yeah sometimes it does range in the limits of insanity but then i mean no harm to anyone.

i have done a lot of grown up stuff in my stint in Bangalore. i have travelled from an unknown naxal infested taluk of Karnataka to Bangalore, i took my first ever flight ride [make that 4 ever since...]i have learnt to go shopping alone.. o most guys its not a big deal but shopping is not something you can do alone..seriously.. you always need a companion..talking about being all grown up i had to counsel myself say about a million times that at 22 I'm hardly a young girl and that i should overcome my fears .. well the counselling continues.. and well i hope sometime it yields proper results...

on other fronts... i had my convocation a few days back on 24Th of December 2009 at 3.15 precisely i was handed over graduation degree..dressed in saree and robes[that's thee tradition of JU] looking like pupils of Hogwarts except a tad bit hideous... i officially became a graduate.. :)

personal front.. well i could never imagine a life apart from Samik.. even though I'm living such a life now.. at least from my end i do not see any change in the dynamics of our relationship.. distance does not really bother me.. in fact in someways distance puts me in a space when i value the time i spend with him.. over the phone or those rare occasions when he flies down to Bangalore to visit me... there is not much to tell.. more updates on personal front is required before i can make further statements :)

that's all from my end as of now...

so does this post mean I'm back to blogging?? well no promises..because i don't seem to keep them.. but a realization on blogging front.. from the moment i had let life take over and not me controlling it..i realized i had ceased to be content and i went slightly insane...as i always said blogging keeps me alive and sane..so i will probably cut down on those extra hours of sleep because i have nothing much to do and devote a little time to doing something that never fails to bring a smile to my face: blogging...

Lonely

This is going to be a long sentimental post so if you are not in a mood to read a rant or be sensitive to my woes then id warn you to keep off...

I have had a certain someone tell me that i am selfish and i think only about myself as i am too careeristic, enough not to think of anyone but me. it has been more than 2 days since i was told this and it has still not left me. yes there was hurt and immense anguish and somewhere i tried to evaluate myself. today, thankfully is the only day we don't have an assignment in college. so since i was free i tried to steal sometime alone. now if you are in a hostel that too in a secluded place there are hardly anytime alone, for where ever you go you always bump into someone or the other.


i am in Bangalore, a place where hopefully all my childhood dreams will be realized. i am miles and miles away from home. where despite feeling homesick i can never even think of home because i am reminded of the cost at which i am where i am, and i can never burden my folks with my tales of missing home...I'm loving what i am doing now...though the work pressure is immense...i often feel challenged to come up with a better story idea, to perform my best all the time... and it is not only because it has been my dream, but because there are so many responsibilities on me. my parents who have allowed me to make my dreams come true.. and my dreams comes with a hefty sum of money for which i have to be responsible..moreover if i screw up... all those people who have underestimated me wins and i cant afford that.


it is sad when people don't know and don't try and understand you. but it is even sadder when people know and say they understand when they don't. the person who told me i am selfish does not know he is talking about, despite knowing me so well. here i am scared shit of being in a city i know nothing of, at all. i try and learn my way each time i am left alone in the city trying to rack my brains for a story idea which is not only worth reporting but which will be somewhat better than the rest. the pressure of outdoing myself, to perform my given task, to be innovative and to meet deadlines is too stressful for words, there are days when we go without much sleep, and the semester has not even started and they say this is just the beginning.


Each evening as the classes end and we take a breather for a few minutes before doing our assignments i steal sometime alone in nooks and crevices of deserted part of college so that i can be alone.it is there in my own little hideout where i look out into the horizon, where the sun sets far away, the wind ruffles my hair and all i can hear is the breeze swishing past and everywhere i look, all i see is miles and miles of greenery and not a soul in sight. one who says i only think of myself and nothing else, doesn't know how hard it is to be in a new place and not having a soul she is close to. where despite being in a crowd she is lonely. where not a soul understands her nor do they try and do so. where there is hardly someone she can talk, share and be herself with. where every time one takes a spoonful of food into her mouth, tears threaten to spill with the taste and quality of food. where the beds are too narrow for comfort. where every time you open your eyes into the night, you do so because either some one's phone is ringing or some one's alarm just went off and she is sleeping through it, or someone is just going bonkers and creating a racket. he who makes such comments has always lived in the comforts of home and does not know how hard it is to share a room with five other strangers trying to adjust. he surely doesn't know how fatiguing it is to do 9am-5pm classes, then assignments and then come home do the chores and yet wake up next morning at the crack of dawn without complaining to prepare herself for the news quiz....... he surely has no idea what it feels like lying in the bed sick with no-one to talk to, no one who can take care of her, or even offer her water to drink.


I feel homesick but i am trying to adjust to keep a smile on my face, not just because this is the life i want but because i can never quit because too many people, and their happiness and future depends on what i do and not just my life. i can quit breaking down under tremendous stress but i can never do it because i have too many people pinning their hopes on me, and too many people who expect me to fail...my life is no longer just mine.. it has never been so.... its utterly painful when people don't make an attempt to read between the lines, or to hear the unspoken words. and it hurts even more when someone you love is the same one who refuses to understand you, despite the trillions of things you do for him, despite the kind of hectic life you lead..

The thing called LOVE!?

Sometimes i wonder what is it drives people to love? they approach the object of that compelling love, risking rejection to confess his/her feelings. and then what? with time slowly love becomes a habit and soon its nothing but a charade. sounds cynical? its true.

I doubt if most people realize the kind of commitment or responsibility they are about to take up when they approach someone with their feelings. most often i see people going miles for the person they love but once they become sure of the other persons feelings they sit back and stop trying. nothing can be worse fate to this so called love when in the guise of stability habit takes over the spontaneity of love. when it comes to confessing the feelings people are too eager but when it comes to actually doing something for the relationship, most often people shy away. 'i love you' is replaced by "if you don't like me.. we can break up '.

What really vexes me is, why don't most men decide for themselves what they are getting themselves into when they decide for a relationship. okay i maybe a lil unfair here generalizing men, but hey i know there are good men around just that they are too few and unfortunately most of us girls are unlucky to have missed those genuine ones in our lives. i mean seriously, in the early courtship period, guys do everything in their capacity to impress to win love and attention from the girl, and once the target is achieved all that comes to a girl is neglect. because even if the girl gives the guy a hard time before saying a 'yes' to the relationship, but once the girl is committed she is totally loyal and dedicated, and the guys... well they stop doing anything once they get the girl they want.

love is such a sweet feeling. if you are in love with someone you want to make that special person feel loved and wanted, you want to make her feel like she is the most important one in life. you try and be there for her, stick up for her, protect her and give her not only what every girl deserves- love respect,trust and understanding; but also what she needs. you dont just take her for granted, throw attitude and expect her to keep the relationship running and do nothing to help her. if sitting back and seeing things get done something you want then why get into a relationship, if you cant be a man enough to be a good BF to her. is giving her a hard time, compelling her to kill her desires and wants from her relationship, what a girl deserves? most honest men, make a woman feel loved and wanted. they pull out the stops, to be the best man she encountered, they would make the girl feel loved not just on Valentines day but make every day a Valentines day. and yes such men exists, just that men nowadays are wimps who need girl friends to show off and care two hoots for the girl they are with. such men are wimps and total mamma's boys good-for-nothing morons, who get into a relationship for the sake of it, not knowing the true meaning of love.

If this is what love is, i wish i never knew love. because what i thought was just my problem turns out to be a mass problem, one that almost every girl in a relationship is facing.Singledom truly rocks! i wish i could go back to those days, where despite being single, i was never alone, i was in love with 'love' but never felt the need to love someone, and surely there was no heartache. truly those were the best days of my life. love is but an illusion.

P.S- DONT bombard me with are you okay's please. im fine. just plain bitter and disappointed about my experiences. nothing serious though. so please dont jump into conclusions.

In the most darkest hour of despair,
Is born a hope.
A hope for things to be resolved.
Heart anguished for the one it loves;
Turns to the one it seeks,
desperately.
In tears, and grief,
Thoughts disappears,
What remains is love;
Unchallenged and much craved.
In the battle of life, eventually,
Love triumphs.

Pain penetrates me,
drop, by drop.
-Sappho

5 Benifits of your boy friend working night shifts!

Phew! when i heard Samik's department going global, the first thing i felt was despair for him who has a hard time working night shifts as his biological clock gets messed up etc etc. but then i actually found out glorious 5 benifits that im going to enjoy just because my delicate darling of a BF working night shifts. its revenge time!! wuhuuhahaha! :) :P

• SLEEP- yes i will get a good 8 hours of sleep. why? well basically i wake up early by say 7 latest. then i have hordes of chores to do, tuition's and then college, and so on and so forth. in my busy schedule which involves mostly running from one point to another, using my brains sitting in the most analytical and logical classes, then returning home to study for the next day. then there is blogging.. i ll come to that later. you can imagine that by 11pm i am slowly nearing absolute breakdown. do i sleep then? no i have boy friend duty after all! i stay up till 2 to talk to the moron because after a long day he doesn't feel like sleeping and the sweet, self sacrificing idiot that i am, i am there without thinking of the millions of things that awaits me the next morning. so while i struggle with less sleep and fatigue, my stupid moron; Samik sleeps his full quota of sleep and calls me just when my prof walks into the class room. so now at least i get to sleep more. phew!

• BLOG- i have Internet from 8pm-8am as most know.. i know i know it sucks but works fine for me :) so after studying i manage to be online after 9, then replying to mails etc and just when i sit for blogging, yes the moron puts up an appearance. and he gets irritated because i can multitask, chat blog and talk to him that is. and he cribs for attention. so most often i have to abandon my friends and the beautiful conversations I'm invariably having just to attend to the cry baby. so now you know why i haven't been attentive and been commenting frequently.. marooo usse aur maroo... not me.. but Samik :D :P

• STUDIES- i really have a terrible time studying because every time i sit to study, i get his call as he is on a break. not that i don't love it, i do. but leaving aside whatever I'm studying i attend his call. sometimes it hinders if I'm teaching my student or I'm commuting back home. so at least on that front i get some respite :)

• PEACE & QUITE- now i get to attend my classes without having to sms in between. or even try and sneak in calls here and there in between two classes. things will be a lot calm that way.

• REVENGE- most importantly i ll be able to take revenge from Samik for belittling my hectic schedules. not just that, he doesn't give me attention, and takes things for granted, and has huge expectations and doesn't appreciate me for the things i do for him or that fact that i go out of my way to adjust and accommodate him. now since he will have the day time all to himself with nothing much to do. i ll be the busy bee not giving him any attention at all.. whoohoo what fun!!

And now for some worthy good nights sleep..cheerio people.. sweet dreams :D :)

PS- people i need a new template... please help :)

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I've been really lousy the last few days in blogging. don't ask me why but I'm not in my usual element of late and i didn't want to let my gloomy state of mind to effect my blog and all the beautiful people who read it. it isn't a nice feeling when you read a blog and all you get are really negative vibe. so till i am a little sorted out, do be patient.

We all grow up with dreams. dreams that someday we hope to turn to reality. little do we know that reality is rather harsh, and that in reality if you are really fortunate then your dreams come true. most often than not, dreams die under the tremendous wrath of destiny. it hurts when you see that world you had envisioned crumble down right when you had expected it to stand the tests of time. the earth shattering feeling of a lost dream, ends the last illusion of innocence. that's when you know its time to grow up. yes I'm coming to terms with my broken dreams, dreams which i was confident of turning into my reality. i guess I'm among those whose dreams remain a dream. yea it pains me much now, but someday i hope i can look back and say maybe what happened, was for my good after all. now please don't tell me to have faith etc, it is true i know but at a moment like this I'm hardly in a state to comfort myself with these things. maybe someday i will understand but for now. id rather it the way it is. coming to terms with a broken dreams is a helluva task but I'm trying... and will continue to do so until i succeed.

All about love

If you think this is a Valentines day induced post then you are wrong. Valentine's day has practically nothing to do with love, but you do get yet another reason to smile, to tell your loved one that he/she means the world to you, to shower gifts and attention to the one who completes you. love and the object of my love has been hogging every living moment in my life of late. what with Samik having to leave the city for better job offers, the prospect of dealing with life away from him and of course the insecure feelings of what next, once he left.

This week almost four years back, was marked by chaos and confusion. i was getting involved with this new friend, who slowly came to occupy a prominent space in my life. being hurt and battered from previous relationship, with emotional baggage to carry and scars that hadn't healed, i had taken the leap of faith. i have been less than perfect myself, i had built a wall around me, guarding it with my pride and self esteem and so much so that i have probably blocked Samik out, not relying or trusting him to deal with me, all these years. but when one is threatened to lose the one person who is indispensable to his /her life, then he/she realizes their true worth. maybe i did too. frankly i don't think anyone but Samik is capable of handling my atrocious temper, my fanaticism about perfection, my inherent need to critique not just others but myself; and all this and more makes Samik the one person who made me realize almost four years after being in love with him, that i really do love him and it is not just a deep seated need in me to crave for security and stability, that Samik offers me to perfection.

Funny! isn't it but my life is nothing short of being a comedy of errors and if you know me from close quarters then you'd know just what kind of love-hate relationship we share. despite being poles apart, diametrically opposite we are like paper and glue and somehow i have come to accept this imperfection and love it as well. ask me now what is love? and if I'm honest to myself id tell, i don't really know. to me love means, to be there for each other through thick and thin, to trust the other person with my mind, body and soul; to reach out to him in agony and pain, in happiness and in disdain. to feel for him enough to let down my guard and if need be, to lower my ego to reach out.

Wondering why all this talk of love? and thinking i should have posted this on valentines day? hell no, I'm not insane. like Samik i don't believe in love being reserved for valentines day, if i feel it today i will express it today and not wait till the 14th of Feb. cliched? who cares! i don't! i was scared and at my wits end, thinking of a life apart from Samik. despite being a tough girl i knew i just couldn't do it, there wasn't a scope either to revert things because there wasn't much to do. but [thankfully] or sadly.. no thankful i am that Samik is not going to Bangalore, Ive never really been this happy or relieved or so grateful to God, ever! but i am. i know what i went through and just how hard it was for me to be in a state where at night i felt relieved that samik wasn't going but then again in the morning he changed his mind, and decided to leave, it was the most traumatic week of my life but in the end relief came rushing back and i could cry with joy! i know Samik did this for me at the cost of his pride and self dignity, he sacrificed his dreams and hopes for me, and for this i respect and love him more. i always had this against him, that i could sacrifice my dreams and desires for him but he didn't love me enough to do it for me. but even though he never said those words to me, he did them for me. for the first time in life, i left happy and proud despite being defeated.

There is no pride in admitting you are wrong, in reaching out to your loved one, no shame to admit your love. i know i am being emotionally challenged, i have intimacy issues, i may not say it too often, or i may actually shrug off the feeling. but it is there, for all to see. i may be headstrong and stubborn and an extremely angry person, he maybe foolish and a moron.. a 'foolish moron' but despite the imperfections having him around completes my world, never mind the flaws and imperfections. Maybe this is love for me, and i truly Love Samik.

Bolt from the blue

It is a strange feeling when out of the blue comes someone whom you had lost in time. the feel is a little surprising, a whole lot queasy and nostalgic too. and when it happens to be your first crush whom you thought didn't notice you at all then. well i reopened my Facebook account again, for the god-knows-how-many-Th-time! and there was this invitation from this person called Maradona. and stunned i sat, staring at the invitation for whole 5 minutes. [Now his real name is Soumya and but he was popular by his nick name from the time i knew him.]

He was the first ever guy, i noticed and i had an instant crush on him. No i never told him i liked him, i never felt the need. Instead i helped him propose to my friend :D yeah crazy i was! but i was happy! i remember how i used to go to my skating classes without fail just so that mam would tell me to show him a few steps, and how happy i had been when once mam told me to hold his hands and show him the steps better. Nervous and excited almost apprehensive to hold hands, but he had reached out to take my hands in his to get me started. sigh! :D i remember how he used to be this stud, despite not being good looking and all, and id be just another girl, whom he barely noticed. once i had gone to our club, where there was a fair and i accompanied my neice, to climb up the 'air castle'- those things where kids are sent to jump and climb up, just to see him from the very top. damn! i never dared to tell him anything, maybe because i didn't think i was good enough; or because i was happy staring and admiring him from afar. i don't think he ever noticed me as an entity ever!

But apparently i was wrong. so am i happy or what? well a little to see that he actually found me out after almost10 years. that sure was something. made me smile at all those childish things i had done, just to see him. and how on finally realizing, that i never really existed for him, i withdrew from the club, never to go there again, which i still don't even now. but really thinking back i cant help but smile even those tears i had shed thinking of never seeing him and the dramatic feeling that i was moving away for good, had a sense of innocent love and is really endearing now. sigh!

Chicken pox

I have been presented with a very strange responsibility. my niece has contracted chicken fox and the poor girl is stranded at my place, since her mom is a working mother and cant take leave from her school, and her granny has a broken hip. so she is to stay with us, as ive had my chicken fox before, so she is all mine for the next few weeks until her quarantine is over. so yeah there is a reason to celebrate for every night is a sleep over night but then comes additional responsibilities. since my niece is attached to me she refuses to have food from anyone but me. we had gotten a separate bed in my room now just so that we can be close. my responsibilty entails night shifts too, for knwoing my neice she has this habit of roaming all over the bed while sleeping. loo sessions and water drinking in the middle of the night.. but hey im not complaining! after all i took care of my neice full time when she was but a baby for nearly two months or so! :)

So now there will be yet another reason to come home early. really i'm looking forward to my nurse and baby trainings! you can well imagine what a sight it is all going to be, pillow fights and midnight snacks and sneaking into the tv room for some cartoons, and the soap sud fights. life is going to be tough for the little darling! after all staying away from her daddy dearest is the last thing that amuses her, so yea the tears are threatning to spill now and then. but hey super masi is here... and there is no fear! just imagine how happy i was hearing the news, was hopping about in excitement and Roshni [my niece] joined in the happy dance and mom was almost exasperated just thinking of managing the two kids at home. hey the next few days seems like fun. will keep you guys updated, now i just have to go and put my niece to bed. until later. cya! cheerio!

Shoppaholic

I have always maintained that i am not a miser, just a careful spender. I have rambled on how i save every dime.. because saving comes easy to me. and that if i dont save i feel something killing me inside.. yes yes i Was like this, a few months back. and now??Well something must have bitten me.

Earlier dad would give me an amount of money durign pujas and tell me, 'go get yourself a nice pair of jeans and a tee that you like'. so this dad's darling daughter would go shopping either with samik or my friend ipsy. so with the amount dad gave usually id end up getting 1 pair of jeans,1 skirt, 2 tee shirts, 1 kurti, 1 hang bag, 1 pair of shoes, accesories and what now. id never go for branded instead i would shy from it and go for more affordable stuff from great bargain place. qauntity would matter, you know na? with college and all, you do need clothes.

But Hey Bhaggu, with time I have changed drastically. From saver i have become spender. i do save money without doubt... but once in 2-3 months. I cant help but pick up stuff from the malls. somehow i just cant help but buy branded stuff. its like i do wait to get what i want but then i don't settle for anything but that comes with a tag.Jeez!! i must be going crazy. just when my 'things to buy' list ends then another crops up. i never seem to run out on the things i have to buy. each month i seem to buy something that i think i "need" what will happen to me. i dont ever carry my card so its even more easy, samik's card always comes handy, specially since i don't have to deal with real money transaction only card i dont feel the pinch. but hey! i do return the amount and that is when i feel the pinch. but no worries. i get over it in no time. trust me!! Hey Bhaggu save me!! this is supposed to be my THE financial year.. i have saved 3/4 of what i promised i will... just pray that i don't buy anything this month then i ll be on target.. because ive already bought myself an expensive sweater and a tee.. and new year is not anyway near the corner.. and i will have to wait till the 15th next month to be in a better stabilizing condition..

P.S- im maha upset. i had asked dad to trim my hair and he reduced my waist length hair to just below my shoulder.. thats whooping 6-8 inches :O but its okay... my hair grows back rapidly.. touchwood.. im in mourning.. im having a bad hair day!! :(

Strengths and Weaknesses

Most people think that by not accepting or hiding their faults or weaknesses makes them appear strong and confident. by accepting their short comings makes them mentally demoralized and weak. however i beg to differ; according to me if you posses the courage to admit that there is a short coming it makes you mentally strong to cope with it, and it is also the first step to finding a solution. being a Virgo isn't really easy because criticism comes easily to us and it doesn't really help when the person you first criticize is you.

Trust me when i say 'i know' because almost 99.99% of the times i really do know... no prizes for guessing there. the reason i have been writing this post is everyone has their own weakness but admitting it becomes a strength. there are a few faults that i have realized i possess and i cant say i am too proud of it. so this is just a way to come to terms with it. pardon me if you feel I'm washing my dirty linen in public here...

The 5 things i just truly hate about me/ my 5 flaws -

• i have serious intimacy issues.
  
• I'm one who is guided by 'to do list' and lots and lots of planning and it drives me almost insane.
• I'm a perfectionist to the hilt
• i get emotionally involved with people quicker than anyone can imagine, real or virtual.
• i just cant say 'no' very well, and this lands me in sticky situations...

P.S-Hey i just wanted to share that PJ is at her benevolent best and has bestowed me with yet another award, hereby making it a great year ending :)

Roshni: My Niece

My first memory of my niece is stepping into the room where my sister was dressing this tiny tot. i was too shocked to react, to see my sister with a baby was something that hadn't yet registered. mother and my sister?! no way! a gurgle drew my attention to this tiniest of being on earth. hesitantly i inched closer until my sister just flopped her over into my arms. nervous and scared that i may drop her. i clung to her for my life. that day despite being nothing more than 12-13 myself i knew what it is to hold someone close to ones heart. she won me over with her cu tests of smiles and those eyes that just stared at me laughingly. that very day i gave up my savings of rs 50 to buy her a 'hit me" toy which was way taller than her and would topple her, but the way she would hug it would melt my soul.

R O S H N I was just 9 months, my sister was admitted in the hospital with a bad case of appendicitis and i was entrusted with her care.barely old enough to know my way. i did what a mother should do. put her to sleep after walking and singing to her.changed her at regular intervals, cleaning her and feeding her. she wouldnt ever go to my mother, and clung to me 24*7. nights i would be awake trying to play with her and feed her and putting her to sleep.studies was the last thing i was able to do, because while she was asleep i would be trying to rest too. she was the world to me, and i did what i did only because i knew i had all the happiness in form of the baby in my arms.


Roshni is now all of 9. tall and lanky. she wears all my clothes with elaan.and she is more a friend than niece to me. she introduces me as a "friend" and not "masi" to her classmates and proudly flaunts me. it is always me who has to get her smallest whim and fantasy fulfilled. just like she knows she is pampered she is quite scared of me as well. she is the only one i allow to handle by precious cam. we get into some bad fights as well but they don't last long because chocolates and teddies do manage to bribe her and in no time is back to her usual chirpy self. it was worth all the pain and the neat pile i spent behind getting her the bacugan toy she so wanted. last time we were in the mall i hadn't been able to get her the toy coz i wasn't carrying my card with me.. but this time i got it and my my the look on her face was well worth it.

She just makes me such happy person. she makes me wanna put all the happiness of the world at her beckoning. because she is and will always be, my darling. and love is hardly the emotion that can summarize just how precious she is to me.she is and will always be my baby.

PS-D0 drop in a comment in the post below..

Weighty Issues

All my girl pals in blog world are on a diet,taking care of themselves. and that kinda inspired me to write this post.even if i try to overlook, weight has been something that has been worrying me,for a long time now. I've been very sporty from childhood, i used to play badminton, took coaching for it and was kinda good in it too. in school i played basketball,dodge ball,khoko,throw ball etc.Not many know,that i am a state level rower [rowing]. till about class 12 i was about as fit as a fiddle. athletic and muscular [in a good way] god! i had a toned body with no flab.if you ever heard the kinda breakfast i had, you'd gasp. 2 eggs[whole], a big mug milk, 6-8 slices of bread,and a fruit!!geeez! and not an ounce of extra flab i had.it used to be so much fun exerting the body to exhaustion.every time i used to flex my muscles to row a stroke more, my body would be pushed further and the pain would increase but the sore too had a satisfaction.

And now, with the lack of exercise, needless to say i have put on flab. many a time I've told myself "OK.this is it.i' ll shed some weight". I've tried from morning walks,to eating healthy,less of junk food, or dieting. nothing lasted for long.yoga helped a lot.mom does it every morning but i just can seem to get down to it.i lack motivation and the timings just never matches up. exercises is such a boring thing for me,and there is no gym close by,yes i am lazy too; but it is something i know is not for me, so i give up soon.

But seeing most of the people put in an honest effort to control over eating or wrong eating;made me what to do the same.I'm not eating healthy to look reed thin [read kareena kapoor, she looks sick!!]but i want to be healthy and fit, so that the troubles my mum is facing of osteoporosis and osteoarthritis i don't do the same.because it is somewhat hereditary and these happen due to overweight.then there are heart diseases and others that follow.

So now i am on an oil free boiled veggies diet. i eat that almost thrice a day.no carbs,no eggs and just black coffee and tea. it isn't easy, only i know how hard i find to overlook the pangs of hunger that are nothing to do with me being hungry but everything to do because i want to chew on something or i feel empty.once i have started monitoring myself i realize where i do wrong and what i should do.the after meal hunger is by far the deadliest. and trust me to see Ads that show food, is a torture. but nothing is impossible if we set our mind to it.all i can say is, im trying, i don't know if i will succeed but at least I'm trying to stay healthy.i hope you do too.

Stay healthy and stay happy :)

Mixed Bag of Events

lots been happening on my personal front. some real encouraging things and somethings that totally suck. but then life is all about its ups and downs and i just hate to dwell on negativity for too long because it gets to me :)

finally a very hectic two weeks of college just came to an end. now there is another two weeks of study leave and then semesters. yeah i cant wait to get it done and over with. because i really wanna move beyond the boundaries of JU :). the good news is, most of my results of class tests are out, and i am really happy about it, they are pretty decent and at last the hard work paid off. what more my last semester with my favorite prof [yeah i have had a crush on him since 1st semester] ended with me getting really good marks in his paper.yay! :D *blush* *blush*


hmm things really turned sour on one of the places i really find solace in.my blog. the joint blog turned into a battlefield of sorts with a post on me, trying to cheer me up. the post was maybe well intended. but i really cant stand distortion of my name, and the things that were written about me, which seemed nothing like who i am. this keeps happening with me, the moment i stand up for myself i loose friends. i mean don't i even have the right to react after being humiliated in a public forum? those people who wrote the post quit one by one. what can i say? this is a free world, they have a right to do what they want. but its funny how a trivial issue like this was handled. misunderstandings happen if there are many on board, but the trick is to understand not everyone is the same, to adjust and work together in harmony.i thought these people were on because they truly wanted to have fun and to spread good cheer. maybe they were never meant to be a part of it. Rock star's Lounge will move ahead nonetheless.

on happier thoughts.... children's day is coming up, and i plan to do something for my students... have gotten them gifts i just hope they like it... my niece will be over too so maybe i'll make a trip to the mall, which is long overdue. have you guys seem Roadside Romeo?? can a 7 yr old see the movie? i hope there is no adult content. :P

PS- i know this post surely doesn't sound too optimistic but im trying to look beyond things that depress me. please be patient, happy posts will surely come up :)

PHEW!

What with the story now over, there is a sense of relief though i admit i feel a void there in me. The last few days i have been obsessing about the characters, what can they be saying in a particular situation, what can bring them together and not. These thoughts have occupied every free waking hour and even sometimes during sleep. yes i was like Geet [Kareena Kapoor in Jab We Met] mumbling away to myself even in sleep. but its nice that the story ended, and ended with a new beginning.

To all those who hasn't already figured it out. yes it was somewhat autobiographical. i would like to clarify, though i know i need not. i cant write on things that i cannot connect to, there is always a part of me, literally; in whatever i write. and this story came at a time when i was going through a tough phase of my life. i wrote this story the way i would have liked mine to end. and i am not ashamed about it.

No matter just how practical or logical i maybe, i am a sucker for romance. i admit again, for those of you who don't know. i am a simple person who cant write any differently, using heavy words or think of unheard plots or tread untrodden path. i am me. and for all those who are disappointed in me. well what can i say! sometimes i just wish i could remain just anonymous and write because i love to and not to win acclaim. sometimes i just wish people who knew me would just let me be me in this place, which to me is my retreat!

Enough of sad and serious stuff which must have driven most of my friends from my blog. and now for something spicy... i'm looking for a companion [read:friend]. good looks doesnt apply, he cant be saroo like buzz who is cold and doesnt reciprocate my feelings [just kidding!]if he is harshita's male counter part nothing more like it! :P but otherwise he has to be sensitive, sensible,warm,and extremely forthright! anyone can apply, you can refer your friends too... so rush your entries now!!! offer valid till i change me mind! so hurry!!

A Strange Phone call

Day before yesterday a really strange thing happened. samik and i was out. we had gone to this upcoming township adjacent to the IT Sector in kolkata called Rajarhat. that's our usual hangout on Sundays if we get a lot of time out. this Sunday wasn't unusual except for what happened.

We had stopped for coffee at CCD outlet in Technopolis [it houses several IT firms and CCD and bookstores as well] When we entered it was relatively empty. just a few people we hanging around but mostly it was vacated. we slowly made our way to the first floor which houses the cafe. entering we choose our seats in front of the counter. in no time we were engaged in our conversation, we were having a silly discussion when samik's phone rang. it was his mom calling him to tell him, to get her the mugs that she so wanted that are available only in a departmental store in Rajarhat.

We both were surprised as to how his folks knew exactly where we were. after asking kakima[ samik's mom] we were informed that some man had called kaku [samik's dad] and told him that his son is sitting at the very moment with a girl in CCD,Rajarhat. and when kaku informed that they know that samik is with his girlfriend like he usually is, on a Sunday evening; the man hung up. the identity of the caller is unknown.

Now what tantalizes me is who could have called and why? we had looked around after the call from kakima and there were only three other couple except us there. and none of them was known to Samik. that samik and i are dating is not unknown to anyone in his family, so who could have called and why? i wish i could see his face when kaku had informed him that he knew about us. lol! really! nowadays people have all the time in the world to interfere in others life. how i hate such people!

A walk down memory lane

No I am not going to dust the dirt off my memories, or awaken my conscience which can never deny your existence. Not I am not going to linger to relish the moments we had shared. To be honest, time and love have already started to erode my memories, what remains is snippets of what was and what I will never let it be. Yes it belongs to the past and that is where it is destined and willed to be.

You will ask what the purpose of writing this is. And I’m silent. I know not what to tell you. No I’m not in love with you. Yes I am happy in my life now and I’m looking forward to my future. I guess I am just trying to make peace with something that marked a change in my life; forever.

I don’t know where you are now. I have almost forgotten your face. But I still battle with the memories which are no longer a source of pleasure but a reminder of something I would never like to remember. Sometimes when I walk past your old house, my mind drifts to you but in an instant that too is forgotten. I keep coming across things that remind me of you. I should cringe in remembrance but I don’t. I wonder how I could change thus, that nothing related to you affects me anymore, no fear or nostalgic grips me. But I can’t do away with you completely I try but I can’t. Why? No I have no hangover of what was, I don’t want to recreate the past. I am happy in my present but past comes back now and then to remind me that were there, that it had all happened you were there. It is not just my imagination.

Years have passed. I hope you have moved on. I want you to know I am happy and in love. I have a happy tomorrow waiting for me, when the person I love the most awaits me for the rest of my life. I want you to be happy too, in whatever you do. I want you to move on beyond the shadows of the past. I hope you will rise above the guilty feeling of pushing me away from you. I have forgiven you, but I can never come back. I hold you in the highest regard, and I wish you the world of happiness. Heed to my request and walk away from the past; which will give you nothing but grief and unhappiness. Accept that what happened can never be altered. Embrace reality, hold my hand in friendship and let me guide you to the golden sunrise, from where a new life will begin with a new tomorrow. Time has not run out, if only you make an effort. I will be there, like I have been always, as a friend always there in need, trust me. Let not your past mar the future you can build and the happiness that can be all yours if only you reach out.