Of summer heat and heart that beats..

She flicked a tendril  of hair from her face, summers were here and the heat was already unbearable. It was one of her days off but instead of an afternoon siesta; there she was sitting curled up on the bean bag with a book. The only sound she could hear was of the gentle humming of the AC. She smiled to herself. Thinking back to the times gone by. Summers, always brought back various memories.

The most vivid childhood memories were that of waking up to thunder and lightening and pitter patter rain drops on her window sill. Those reluctant few moments, when she would pull the covers up and let the sound of rain comfort her. Then there was that mad dash to the terrace to get drenched as it poured like crazy, soaking her clothes and purging her soul. Summers in Kolkata, meant Kalboishaki, storm and thunder that took away the stinging heat of the day and it was that which she loved like crazy.

As years rolled on, summers would come to mean stinging Delhi summers, the days of traveling in an auto with face covered up. Those midnight ice-cream cravings and him stepping out to satiate each and every one of them. Sometimes it would be a malai kulfi and sometimes a chocolate tub; whatever be the flavor, the ice cream miraculously tasted heavenly only because he so lovingly fed it to her. Nights seemed to wear off in his embrace, his gentle breathing lulling her off to sleep, her days beginning with a kiss on his forehead and it would end with his loving caress.

Memories came thick and fast and she sighed, she knew life since then had changed drastically. Pain and anguished marred her existence, going to the brink and back and then finding peace. All she needed to do was close her eyes to see the images flashing in front of her eyes. Unknowingly she had clenched her fists, her lips pursed in a straight line, as memories took her back in time in some of the darkest hours of her life. She felt as if she was spiraling into pits of despair like that summer evening when she had watched her life collapse as he walked away; the rain Gods had mercy on her and decided to pour. Minutes turned into hours and time stood still.

A gentle kiss on her forehead snapped her out of her reverie; as she looked up to see his smiling face. Instantaneously warmth spread through her, the worst had passed, he was there with her, to stay. As his arms came around her and he snuggled up to her, she knew she had triumphed her fears and had come a long way. At a distance she could see the rain clouds join forces and she could almost smell the rain. As his fingers caressed her head, she tucked her head under his chin and settled in. His familiar smell cocooning her as love reassured her that the storm had passed.

As the first drops came down in torrents, she handed him a cup of coffee and settled in beside him.  Life had come a full circle, if life was as harsh as the summers, He was like the rain that took the sting away and made it worthwhile.

End.. the very end

It is all a game. You know there is an end. The journey till the end is what makes this journey unpredictable. You know the pain has to be endured. You know that tears can’t be shed. You know that the heart will be ripped apart. But what you don’t know is how much it will hurt, how much you have to go through till the end comes to you. Will the end then be rejoiced? The rules are the same; the funny part is you enter this game voluntarily. 

The vicious circle of illusion draws you in. You battle with yourself, as illusion and reality blinds you rendering you defenseless and disarming you of your better judgments. You cringe, you weep, you push the emotions away but the harder you strive to stay afloat, the deeper the pit gets, pulling you in. Mirage draws you closer for a hopeless, directionless tomorrow. You stumble, you fall, you reach out but reality seems far ahead.

As the end draws closer, you are almost thankful of the outcome. You know that it was good while it lasted but end is required, even celebrated and has to be accepted despite the painful consequence. The end was always there, just at a distance. The end that was dreaded once, was no longer feared but rejoiced now.

Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye Check the video out here

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

Make him feel

Dear God

Make him feel the same things as she does

Let him feel the anguish

Of loving someone

Yet know the pain of sharing her

Let him feel torn inside

Each time he imagines

Her smiling at someone

The same way as she used to at him.

Hands touching her, which are not his.

Make him miss her

So much that it hurts

Even when she is right there beside him

Just the way she misses him

Everyday.

Let him wake up each day

Hurting, knowing that,

It may be their last day together.

The same way as she does.

Day in, day out.

Let him drift off to sleep

Knowing that tomorrow

She will lie in the loving arms

Of the one who will truly values her.

Let him cringe in pain.

Let him reminisce

Old times of fun and laughter

And wince in pain

Knowing that those days are now replaced

With someone who loves and cherishes her.

Let the pain

Be a constant reminder of

All those times when she reached out

And he had scorned her.

Let him feel the rejection too.

Let him feel her absence

Realizing her source of joy

Is no longer him

She smiles but at someone

who is not him.

Let him burn

Imagining her nursing

A child, who is not his

Let him seek salvation

But never find it

For he had wronged her.

For all those times he had wronged her,

Let him feel the rejection

And realize how unworthy he was of her love

Every time he saw her happy

In the arms of the man who truly loves her

Let him feel the loss

Let him feel the pain

Let him burn inside

Let him realize the wrongs

he had subjected her to

Let him value her

For all that she was

Knowing that he has lost her forever

Avenge her hurt and pain

And make her whole again!

Circle of Life

Have you ever come across a time in life when you think life has come a full circle? Well it happened with me yesterday and its a nice and a funny incident that I thought could do wonders to lift the spirits of my blog! :)

Last year in January, I was still a student studying Journalism. Paranoid, apprehensive and unsure as to what lay ahead of me. I had by then become irregular to blogging but whenever I did post it was about campus placements, interviews, an my first brush with this competitive world of job hunting. You can read about my first placement day which in itself was a hilarious event in my life where I goofed up big time.So that was last year. Yesterday I found myself on the other side of the interview table where it was me who taking the interview. Yes it did wonders to my self confidence but more than which for once as an interviewer I know what each of the candidates were going through, so in itself it was a very humbling experience to say the least!

As a stream of freshers came and went, I noticed the beads of perspiration making its presence felt prominently. I saw the crossed fingers, the hopeful looks, the nervousness making the palms sweaty. As I sat there I wondered at the thoughts that must be coursing through the minds of these people who has walked into the room to try their luck to secure a job. I wondered just how they perceived of me! Did I appear to be someone serious, strict or someone they could be comfortable with?


I remember when this guy called Arun walked into the room he seemed to be a little fidgety. Halfway through he was perspiring like nobody's business. When I asked him to convince and sell me his tie, and I gave him a hard time, he just felt ready to fall apart. Ultimately i had to reach into my backpack to get him a tissue! I couldnt believe that people could take me seriously! :) All along I have been someone people are pally with, most of the jokes are like cracked on me and basically I couldnt imagine that there could be a time when even I could be someone to recon with (there goes... so much for an ego booster!! lol! :P) But jokes apart,  I was just doing my job there, and my heart went out to all those students who were at the threshold of an important phase of their lives.

I am amazed at how soon this past year has gone by. Its been like I have traveled to the moon and back. I wonder why, whenIi look back I cant look back in bitterness but only with a smile? Im glad I have chosen a brighter hue to look at life as opposed to my otherwise bleak and despair filled life, because I know if I dont smile, then tears are just a blink away! :) But this thing called circle of life, where we do come back to where we began our journey has always happened to me, and somehow it keeps recurring. Has it ever happened to you?

This song called "Circle of Life" fit my thoughts completely, so I thought of posting the lyrics here. Hope you like it.

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

Yearnings!

As the days slip by

It brings me closer still

To you, to us

Your thoughts are rampant

On my mind

I long to see your lips

Sporting a smile

The twinkle in your eye

Your deep voice

Calling my name

I long for your arms

Snaking around me

Pulling me close

Your lips on mine

Bringing me to life

I long to hear

The gurgle of laughter

To feel your possessive touch

Branding me

Making me yours!

I long to wake up

To your breath on my nape

Your lips kissing my blues away

Your presence

Brightening my day!

Time will fly

Years will go by

I will still have you

Here by my side

Love binding us

Closer still!

Thoughts of longing and despair!

Thoughts are rampant. They keep me company when loneliness shrouds my very existence. I think back to the days, not long ago when I was back home. Life was so different, so serene and so uncomplicated. As years wore on, with time, life has changed and so have I. regrets? I have none. I know I have achieved all that I had set to conquer, but there are those things that I had never anticipated. Some are very good but comes with its own set of problems something I had never bargained for. Every time I walk the long road home on Friday evenings after work, I feel a gloom fill me, I have a job I like, I have everything I had dreamed of, staying away from home, doing my own thing, making a life for myself, in a city of my dreams: Bangalore. But then why do the tall buildings that I always fancied not give me any warmth, why do the whooshing cards not thrill me anymore, why does the fancy gadgets I own not keep me company? Why do I have tears pricking my eyes and eventually run down uncontrollably? Why do I just long to see the faces of loved ones? I long for just a glimpse of them, I long to just rest my head on Ma's lap and to cry uncontrollably, I long to wake up to Dad's voice telling its kachouri for breakfast and for me to run to freshen up, I long to sleep peacefully in my bed and wake up in my room, to the sun streaming through the window, like it has always been... Alas! those days are but a rarity!


 A new city, a new life but I have a heart that is never at peace. Love reigns, its His thoughts that keeps me going, I know I’m headed nowhere but somehow it keeps me alive. I wonder, most often than not, how can I accept things half way? I have never been the kinds. What drives me to relish whatever I have got and not lament not getting more? Sometimes when despair strikes I wonder at the existence I have, how long will I be able to carry on the charade? Will I be able to walk away from love knowing it’s the right thing to do? Will there be a day when I wake up and not think of him, not need him, not love him anymore? Will there be someone who is meant just for me? Questions are all that I have. They make my existence now.

You ignite the fire in me
The desire to take on the world
To fight against all odds
To smile at adversity
That is our reality

You fill me with so much love
That I know I can survive
The world is still a better place to live
That love is not lost
I can because you want me to

You instill a sense of pride
I know I am worth it
That world will judge me
But I will still be me
Because I know I am loved by you.

You have become the reason
Why I smile
Let the tears dry
Let my heart feel alive
Life is beautiful
Because I know I'm loved by you.

Thoughts make it hard to breathe
I feel myself free falling
into the vortex of despair
deeper and deeper
into nothingness
Pain tearing me apart.

Happier times are like a mirage
they disappear as i reach out
Unanswered questions gnaws at my soul
Why me? I ask myself
i hear muted sobs,mine in return
As loneliness stares backs..

How long must I carry on the charade?
how long will the ordeal continue?
how long before relief comes through?
Uncertainties are rampant
Peace still eludes me,
Long road ahead before I can repose.

A glimmer of hope is barely visible

the storm raging within me
threatens to engulf my sanity
I know not what lies ahead..
I know not when this journey ends
and when the new one begins...

Memories are at war
hurling unwanted thoughts at me
I know i must retrace my steps
I know my quest for moksha must continue
the hunt for peace making me restless
I know one day i will have to let go....
But vacillation comes easy to me
how long before end comes along?

Making a new comeback

Moksha…. Salvation… a step away from Destiny’s Child…same blog but with a whole new name. a name that reflects my current state of mind, that is symbolic of the much evolved me. Hope you stay with me as I gingerly make my way into the world that I had left behind. I may falter and may have writers block. I wont make tall comments as to how I will be back on the blogging on the blogging scene, I will just say that I will try and do my best. And I will do it for myself, to preserve my sanity.

The last time I wrote here I was a girl who returned home for what seemed like good, after a yearlong sojourn. I felt love was what made life bearable, I came back for the one I loved, giving up a career I had always wanted, compromising on my childhood dreams despite having financial liabilities. Things went downhill; I regretted giving up everything for someone I truly loved but that someone gave up me for everything else. Yes that was a bad phase, regrets were rampant, misgivings ruled, I couldn’t believe that I had messed up my life, maybe forever! But ultimately destiny showed me what she had planned for me. My belief never betrayed me… I soon got an opportunity I had always waited for…life from the outside felt like a dream come true little did I know that my carefully nurtured world would soon fall apart. Life never gave me an opportunity to breakdown to heal or evens be shattered… I had too many people pinning their hopes on me to let them down with my personal crisis. With the world falling apart for me in a distant land, I trudged along taking failures and heartbreak in my stride and built my life from scratch. My new world had its new challenges… I learned to cope up with this new phase called professional life… it had its stress and deliverables and all came at a massive price. I was blessed to have a mentor in a friend, a friend I had never even in my wildest dream contemplated of having that too in the least likely of places: office. Here I was forming new bonds and there on the personal front some old bonds were becoming weak… I was despairing at the course my life was taking… in pits of despair I found hope... I found strength... I found companionship... more than which I found the real me. The woman in me was born. 

The positives in my life outweighs the dark and more murky side. In my bid to escape my realities, to deal with the personal strife, to finally carve a career for myself I choose to move out of Hyderabad and now I’m back to Namma Bengaluru… and peace in search of which I found my way back to a place where I had started off, still eludes me. Confusion and chaos is still raging. I know I have made mistakes, I had wandered in search of salvation, more than which in search of me, in the process I have hurt people, wronged them. But my only consolation is that I have finally found me, I have realized what I really am, I have realized im not some perfectionist, but my ideal does exist only unattainable! But that does not change the feelings within me.. it does not change the most primitive of desires… that is of caring of concern and most importantly of love..

Be with me as a much matured Phoenix embarks upon a new journey of life in search of salvation… a special thanks to Anwesa who kept urging me to write to make a comeback…this one is for you babe! Leo without you goading me to finally write this post I would have procrastinated some more… Nikhil for never giving up on me in the darkest hour of my life…

Transitioning...

I have been home exactly a month back. Its been a massive journey in the past few months in my personal life.

Life at IIJNM hostel specially A2 (the room i stayed in) had transformed beyond my imagination just as the months ended and it was just a matter of a few weeks before we dismantled. it was a strange sensation, on one hand i was dying to get back, home seemed like paradise... at the same time a feeling of dread overcame me just imagining a life away from all my roomies. it was as if some invisible forces were bonding us in strong vices. the fun the laughter had suddenly magnified, we were closer than ever.

Vaidehi

Even now sometime i lay awake in the morning, closing my eyes tight imagining myself back at A2, hoping to just jump out of my bed and see all my roomies sleeping. i miss those goodnight and good morning sms's to Vaidu.. i miss seeing Deepi curled up in a ball, sleeping.. i miss the gurgling laughter of Anu...Shephali's morning exercise.. life was a routine... but mostly i miss having my best friend (Vaidu) around me 24*7.. its been painful experience to yank the roots i had spread at IIJNM to move away to my life (that has always been for the last 21 years) back at home. I cant ever forget the last roomie hug, the tears rolling down my face, clasping Vaidu's hands as they led me to the hostel gate where mum and dad were waiting for me to get into the car that would take me to the station and away from my 1 year stay at Bangalore and from people who had become my family. As the car moved away i could barely stop the tears., i could see Vaidu waving then she hung her head for a moment and then walked in stoically. the best part of the journey was, despite our differences, our clashing natures when it was time to say goodbyes we all left but we left being close to each other, and we left as good friends.

When i left home a year back I thought life was coming to an end on a personal front. But at the same time i knew my life was about to change forever, that it was my only opportunity to live a life that i had always wanted. I'm glad i took the plunge for the rise was surely worth it.

Coming up... Perks of living a life away from parents in a new city...

Scribblings

I write unsure of myself and of things i really want to write.

I have been home a little over a week and blogging has been on my mind ever since. But somehow i just couldn't make myself write. I wonder if i have anything more to offer to this place, this place has been instrumental in my life, both in my personal and professional life. This place became the one place where i could be me, where i went into incessant rants about my personal failings or achievements of issues i felt strongly about. But what took me back was that blogging gave me a leverage on my personal front. For the first time in life, during job interviews, I did not have to encounter quizzing eyes, when i told my HR that i blog, and have over 500 posts to my credit. it was then i realized what a world i had created for myself. I wonder why I feel this is important to say this, maybe its because I have not been able to give up on this space despite having nothing to offer.

On personal front life is messier than i had ever imagined. Not really a phase i'd like to rant about. For the first time in life probably i'm not sure of what i want. But in times of distress and immense personal strife one advantage is that I'm gonna earn doing what i love doing and what i do best: writing. However humble it may be, its a start; and i am grateful for that. Maybe this is what life had planned for me...

One of my learning's from this whole phase of transition, from a student to a professional is that

Nothing can be worse than living a life of regrets!

Sometimes its important in life to be selfish enough to fulfill your dreams and ambitions.. and not give it up for the supposed happiness of those you care most. Because life does not offer you opportunities each time and most often we live a life of regrets which does not really add to the happiness of our loved ones or ourselves.

This N That

I'm back to Bangalore. Came back yesterday. no matter how much i reasoned with myself i could hardly control the tears that rolled down as the flight took the runway. i made an utter fool of myself as the Steward [ a real hunk!] stopped during the security demonstration to peer closely at me and i squeezed my eyes shut firmly as if to block him out. maybe that's why he was more courteous to me while serving my coffee! :P

it was so tough getting back to hostel. i just wanted to cry like a 10 year old, that i wanted to go back home. with a heavy heart and throbbing head i set forward unpacking. god! hated it all! but the best part of it was my friend dropped in and told me those magical words and i couldn't help but smile "125 more days to go home.. Cheer up!" mom and dad had packed me sandwiches and pastries for the journey which i had in my break today.. and felt heavenly.. everything i do.. the craving for home in my heart never ceases...

on college front, tons has been happening.. i missed out 2 tests yesterday..and 3 more to take tomorrow...yes that means i should be studying now and I'm blogging..trust me there is no guilt but sinful pleasure. jokes apart, this time i have promised i ll take interest and enjoy what I'm doing, i didn't do that before..work wasn't as good as it should be.. and yes no more negative attitude this time for sure! :) will make the most of these 125 days.. make that 124 tomorrow morning! :) :D

O yea i miss Samik.. i know i should not given the current circumstance...the feeling never leaves me.. i wish he had tried... he proved me how it was so worth it..things would have been so different.. so fulfilling..if only.. sigh! :|

Home sick... yea to say the least but have much to do... test tomorrow...just dropped in to say hi! :)
tadaaaaa

did i tell you Journo Schools drive you to your grave?.. okay gotta really go.. :)

Changing times..

There are times you actually have to let go
to selfishly put yourself before others
to realize,that however good it is, it wont work
to have courage to hear the voice of reason;
amidst a din of the heart that weakens you
it is then time to steel yourself and
do what you know is right,
even if the result is far from happy.
tears and longing will try and weaken your resolve
solitude will break your heart.
no matter how difficult it is, the final step should be taken

Chalo let's go..

"Jani phuriye jabey jani..amader ai chelebelay

tobu ankre dhorey rekho tumi tomar joubon..

tobu hoy toh theke jabey amader gaan taniya"

i know someday our youth will diminish...yet cling to those times, maybe someday our song will remain taniya..

I had gone away with pain and anger seething in my heart. i could never really forget or forgive the episode. i nurtured the pain in me for almost a year now. but this time not anymore, i let go of it all. with a new year, i embrace newer challenges, newer opportunities; i will think not of what has happened but of what can happen. the pain is just too much to bear and carry forward and i refuse to crave for acceptance, of being validated. I've been craving for it too long and after a year of it, i don't think it is worth it, i don't think they are worth it either. i am who i am, and i refuse to bow my head and take on humiliation and insult dished out to me. Every human being deserves respect and right to be the way they are, and if to get acceptance and recognition you need to alter yourself, put the things that made you the person who are; then i don't crave for it at all. i know if i don't forgive Them and move on i can never really be me. i need to tell myself i don't need Them to tell me i exist for me to really exist. i can manage just being me, i have trodden alone and if need be i can do so without assistance. but i will have no more of a life, where i cant walk tall.for it, if i have to let go of my claim to something i hold dear, i will but no more of humiliation and pain. a new year warrants a new beginning and i deserve respect. i wont languish in pain but move ahead leaving behind the pain of the past. i let go.. i forgive Them..

"onek jontronao jabey phuriye akdin

kotoo bharakranto mon jabey juriyebakdin

keu hothat shanti khujey abey kuriye akdin..

somoy...somoy....

jotoi akre thaki somoy..hather mutho khuley jitey hobey akdin.. "

A lot of pain will get over one day...burdened mind will be eased one day..peace will be found one day...time..however much we cling to time..one has to open their fist someday and let it all go..time...

P.S- Lyrics are from a movie called Madly Bangali..one of my fav's

Wishing you all..

Happy and Prosperous New year!!

This year that was

No come back speeches no promises to keep blogging. i write because i want to. another year has drawn to an end. a year that will be a landmark in my life. a year in which i 'Grew Up' all of 22 yea i grew up.

i was among those who stay at home and are dying to go out into the world, live on my own away from family, fiercely ambitious and independent who want to live life on my own terms. but what i had not bargained for is knowing life for what it really is, and not how i viewed it. i remember making resolutions that this year will be that year when i move out of home, and at the end of it i have moved out. and these Christmas holidays when i am home, I'm living the live i had left behind on rent; and even though it is borrowed i think this is the most beautiful and heavenly places on earth for me. yea staying away from home makes even the earlier hellish like home seem like heaven.

leaving behind everything i grew up with was probably the hardest thing i have done till date. i still cant believe that i have managed to stay without all the things i loved. living in a new city, sharing a room with 4 others is not easy to say the least. there were some minor problems and then there were major problems but then i took it on. there were times things went way bad than i could have ever imagined. i felt everything crumbling, i knew i would never be able to stand up and face it again but then i did it. i learned to face things i wasn't proud of or things that made me feel terrible about myself.i felt like an idiot at times, i lost my confidence my zest for life and somewhere the reason for why i am where i am. I'm still clawing in the dark to find that one light that would guide me through. a lot of discoveries i have made about people but first and foremost about me. being at home you don't realize what you like and what you don't, or the kind of person you will be. i saw a glimpse of the kind of person i will be: prim and proper. one who keeps her shoes together, her cupboard in place, her laundry done and no pending work, in a word control freak. and i love that about myself, because at home I'm quite the opposite but living in a hostel taught me what a cleanliness freak i can be, yeah sometimes it does range in the limits of insanity but then i mean no harm to anyone.

i have done a lot of grown up stuff in my stint in Bangalore. i have travelled from an unknown naxal infested taluk of Karnataka to Bangalore, i took my first ever flight ride [make that 4 ever since...]i have learnt to go shopping alone.. o most guys its not a big deal but shopping is not something you can do alone..seriously.. you always need a companion..talking about being all grown up i had to counsel myself say about a million times that at 22 I'm hardly a young girl and that i should overcome my fears .. well the counselling continues.. and well i hope sometime it yields proper results...

on other fronts... i had my convocation a few days back on 24Th of December 2009 at 3.15 precisely i was handed over graduation degree..dressed in saree and robes[that's thee tradition of JU] looking like pupils of Hogwarts except a tad bit hideous... i officially became a graduate.. :)

personal front.. well i could never imagine a life apart from Samik.. even though I'm living such a life now.. at least from my end i do not see any change in the dynamics of our relationship.. distance does not really bother me.. in fact in someways distance puts me in a space when i value the time i spend with him.. over the phone or those rare occasions when he flies down to Bangalore to visit me... there is not much to tell.. more updates on personal front is required before i can make further statements :)

that's all from my end as of now...

so does this post mean I'm back to blogging?? well no promises..because i don't seem to keep them.. but a realization on blogging front.. from the moment i had let life take over and not me controlling it..i realized i had ceased to be content and i went slightly insane...as i always said blogging keeps me alive and sane..so i will probably cut down on those extra hours of sleep because i have nothing much to do and devote a little time to doing something that never fails to bring a smile to my face: blogging...

Updates

I have been a moron and i apologize.

i have been here in Bangalore for two months now. and the passion that i had always harboured for blogging has somehow been buried under stress and fatigue of life. i realized soon enough that i started belonging to the group of people i always critiqued saying blogging is like breathing how can you not do it. i have felt guilty for not being there for people who were a major part of my social life once, i have never managed to make time for all those who have understood me wordlessly, and there was this one person i have neglected just because i had found myself in unknown territory ; my bloggie. i sincerely apologize for not reading, commenting or even bothering to write. i wont make tall promises here but i will try my best to post 1 post a week even if it is just to say hi and hello... because blogging still means much to me.....



For all those who didn't already know... i turned 22 on the 6Th of September this year and it was one of the best birthdays of my life [ i know i say it every year but every year is better than the last year now what can i do? :P] what was best was, this is my first birthday away from home and family so it was bound to be lonely and upsetting, my blogger friends, Anwesa, Nikhil, Vinu, and Harshita made it so much special by wishing my on their blogs or calling me up and also Samik, who came down to Bangalore for a week just to be with me on my birthday. it was one helluva reason to pass all those gloomy days when i was terribly homesick and i just couldn't cope up with the pressures of college. each day id wake up to check the date and strike off just one more day. it was one helluva week, it all went so quickly that i felt i was in a daze.

here i was apprehensive of traveling to unknown locations in and around Bangalore; but for Samik i traveled from one end of the city traveling some 90 miles to just meet him. that week i hardly slept, with assignments due and deadlines and what with finishing work in record time one has ever even imagined i was finding ways to escape from college just to meet him.from frequent hot spots in Bangalore, from mall hopping to dining in restaurants, from shopping to gifting things to each other. it was one week to remember. i don't remember smiling or feeling this happy in a while. it goes without saying that i was extremely grateful that Samik could actually make it and took the effort to accommodate my inabilities to be there for him due to intense work pressures... needless to say there has been pictures galore... and they are all up on orkut and facebook and on picassa too. if you are interested to view the pics click here

The day he left, i remember standing on the road in majestic seeing his Volvo moving away from me with each second and there i was crying unabashedly. i cant believe how time flies. i cant believe how much i have grown in the past few months. I'm doing all the things i thought id never be able to do. i guess with time we all learn and we all outgrow the preconceived notions we have had in life.life teaches one to survive tough times.

Too much on my platter! :(

Everyday i wake up thinking yet another day has passed and I'm getting closer and closer to leaving..my heart is heavy, i know it will not be easy but i will get used to it...no i wont rant about my 'leaving home blues' i have successfully shooed away most of my friends who don't read me anymore.. but well i totally understand.. i haven't been writing any substantiate anyway... :)

Things at my end is well.. all too chaotic.. i had thought my last few days here would be peaceful..with quality time with my blog, my family and samik...but turns out that i cant find time to write on my blog if i do get even a few minutes i cant seem to do much.and this time crunch explains why i havent been able to read and comment on your blogs..sorry!.. mom has been ignored mostly..because i am out to please her, by visiting relatives all the time.. when i am home I'm tired and sleepy so much so that my body aches in fatigue... i cant sleep..i sleep in the wee hours of the morning only to be woken up rudely to go and meet someone again...samik has been really busy too and he cant seem to find time to spend with me..and id like to believe he wont find time to talk to me..for if we want we can find time for anything....anyway.. so all in all its been really harrowing... on top of it.. my mom has taken away all my clothes to keep aside for packing...and wont give me anything to wear out to meet the scores of relatives...damn!

Btw yesterday i went to Dakhineshwar its a very holy temple in the out skirts of the city.. i had done a mannat there about my leaving kolkata getting to study what i wanted to.. well by god's grace i have been granted that... :) so i went to offer my prayers and to ask something more from them..[them because i cant understand what to refer god as her /him.. because when i am alone i refer to god as him.. and when in temple i refer to god as her.. so I'm confused...:P] anyway i seem to realize what a greedy pig i am.. every time i go i tell god give me this and i wont ask anything again and i go back to offer prayers and ask again... now even god will say 'sorry you have exceeded the number of prayers" hey bhagwaan don't do this to me please... :) i am really scared that he will stop listening to me... on a serious note.. i am not a very religious person but i somehow have faith in god.. in the darkest hour of my life.. all i could do was to think of god and pray to him..and I'm thankful that he thought me worthy of granting my wishes...and ging to a temple really calms me down and makes me so humble.. i really have understood the meaning and the power of prayers... :)

Anyway I'm almost ready to faint there... i have to meet around 4 people today.... you guys have a good day ahead... and have fun.. and keep smiling..