This year that was

No come back speeches no promises to keep blogging. i write because i want to. another year has drawn to an end. a year that will be a landmark in my life. a year in which i 'Grew Up' all of 22 yea i grew up.

i was among those who stay at home and are dying to go out into the world, live on my own away from family, fiercely ambitious and independent who want to live life on my own terms. but what i had not bargained for is knowing life for what it really is, and not how i viewed it. i remember making resolutions that this year will be that year when i move out of home, and at the end of it i have moved out. and these Christmas holidays when i am home, I'm living the live i had left behind on rent; and even though it is borrowed i think this is the most beautiful and heavenly places on earth for me. yea staying away from home makes even the earlier hellish like home seem like heaven.

leaving behind everything i grew up with was probably the hardest thing i have done till date. i still cant believe that i have managed to stay without all the things i loved. living in a new city, sharing a room with 4 others is not easy to say the least. there were some minor problems and then there were major problems but then i took it on. there were times things went way bad than i could have ever imagined. i felt everything crumbling, i knew i would never be able to stand up and face it again but then i did it. i learned to face things i wasn't proud of or things that made me feel terrible about myself.i felt like an idiot at times, i lost my confidence my zest for life and somewhere the reason for why i am where i am. I'm still clawing in the dark to find that one light that would guide me through. a lot of discoveries i have made about people but first and foremost about me. being at home you don't realize what you like and what you don't, or the kind of person you will be. i saw a glimpse of the kind of person i will be: prim and proper. one who keeps her shoes together, her cupboard in place, her laundry done and no pending work, in a word control freak. and i love that about myself, because at home I'm quite the opposite but living in a hostel taught me what a cleanliness freak i can be, yeah sometimes it does range in the limits of insanity but then i mean no harm to anyone.

i have done a lot of grown up stuff in my stint in Bangalore. i have travelled from an unknown naxal infested taluk of Karnataka to Bangalore, i took my first ever flight ride [make that 4 ever since...]i have learnt to go shopping alone.. o most guys its not a big deal but shopping is not something you can do alone..seriously.. you always need a companion..talking about being all grown up i had to counsel myself say about a million times that at 22 I'm hardly a young girl and that i should overcome my fears .. well the counselling continues.. and well i hope sometime it yields proper results...

on other fronts... i had my convocation a few days back on 24Th of December 2009 at 3.15 precisely i was handed over graduation degree..dressed in saree and robes[that's thee tradition of JU] looking like pupils of Hogwarts except a tad bit hideous... i officially became a graduate.. :)

personal front.. well i could never imagine a life apart from Samik.. even though I'm living such a life now.. at least from my end i do not see any change in the dynamics of our relationship.. distance does not really bother me.. in fact in someways distance puts me in a space when i value the time i spend with him.. over the phone or those rare occasions when he flies down to Bangalore to visit me... there is not much to tell.. more updates on personal front is required before i can make further statements :)

that's all from my end as of now...

so does this post mean I'm back to blogging?? well no promises..because i don't seem to keep them.. but a realization on blogging front.. from the moment i had let life take over and not me controlling it..i realized i had ceased to be content and i went slightly insane...as i always said blogging keeps me alive and sane..so i will probably cut down on those extra hours of sleep because i have nothing much to do and devote a little time to doing something that never fails to bring a smile to my face: blogging...

Overwhelmed!!

I have tons to say, most things are serious, but before gettting into graver things, i'd like to apologize to Mayank, Nikhil, Anwesa and Yamini, who really thought i was leaving,if viewed from a different angle, my April Fools joke wasn't all that funny. but i found out just how much my blogger friends mean to me and vice versa and that is overwhelming.. and for those who guessed it out that i was indeed fibbing... :) well... i dont know what to say \m/ you guys are tough to fool! so in case you fell for it and thought i was leaving you for good.. wooohoohahahaa.. i'm not.. im very much here.. like they say.. quitters never win and winners never quit!

Now on to what happened today. i have never felt this overwhelmed and humbled like this before, by the end of the experience i could barely hold tears back, and i feel ungrateful and extremely selfish in life but before walking out of the place i made myself a promise, even if i can't do anything directly for the situation but i will try my best to value what i have and lead a more meaningful life.

I had an interview at an NGO today. this NGO provides education and upkeep of destitutes, orphans and mostly children of prostitutes. before you cringe and form opinions i'd entreat you to read what i have to tell you. Initially i too was very reluctant to apply and even go for the interview, because their main centre was amidst Kolkata's red light area, but on my sisters insistence and since she was supposed to accompany me i agreed. both of us walked the by lanes going deeper and deeper into a congested lane, shops lined either sides of the streets. people eyed the two of us, wondering where the two of us were heading in the locality of the ill repute. after a lot of asking, a prostitute herself helped my sister find the right lane which after several twists and turns lead us to an old house and then a narrow staircase took us up to a terrace and a grill gate on one side. we opened the gate and walked in. [till this point, i knew i would say no to the offer because traveling to that locality everyday was something i knew i could never do, but if they transferred me to their other branch, which is somewhat near home, i knew i could still do it.]
the sight that greeted us took me aback somewhat. on a carpet, lay 20-30 odd children all asleep, and the happy smiles on their face showed just how peaceful they were and happy being there. down the hall we went into the administration office where we had to wait for almost two hours till the lady in charge walked in. those two hours i met some of my sisters students, who study in the same school as the one my sister teaches in. once they woke up and noticed my sister they came running, and in moments i lost tract of my sister amidst hugs and kisses and constant chattering. as we sat there we saw what the children's routine was like, after napping they woke up to a glass of warm milk and biscuits and then after playing a while they got down to their books. they seemed like any normal kid running and playing around but it is their smiles that set them apart from any other kid, because they were the brightest and the happiest. what i heard about their backgrounds later, left me stunned, aghast and totally overwhelmed.

yes i got the job, and thankfully i will be teaching in their different branch which is situated in a better locality and it was just the thing i wanted. but when i walked out of the NGO office, what the lady in charge had to say, rang in my ears. most of the children of were brought up in the NGO was rescued from their homes in the locality, their mothers were prostitutes, most were alcoholics and subjected their children to abuse both verbal, physical and sexual. if you are shuddering already dont, more to come. i met this girl whom i so liked, her name was kajal. kajal was the eldest of the three kids,age 10 she was a surrogate mother to her younger siblings, while her mother was with clients locked up in their house she used to baby sit her siblings and was often subjected to molestation by her mothers clients and people from the locality. there was this guy, Rakesh whose mother woke up at 11 and barely managed to get him ready or get him food, and abused him badly both physically and sexually until he was rescued and incidentally he comes first in his form. Little akash aged 6 has a broken arm because of his drunken mother; all their children had one thing in common, the identity of their fathers is not known.


so much happening in their lives, so many scars that has almost taken away their innocence; but then how do they smile, how do they try harder and harder each time to be a better human being? how people like us scorn such women and their bastard children but then there are people among us who step in front and give a helping hand. what i simply loved was there were many, relatively young people who work for and towards these children, and they do so without any restraints. and these children having got a glimmer of hope in the dark alleys and glitter curtains, smell of stale sex and alcohol; they try and bring themselves up and help those who help them be a better human being. despite seeing their mothers being decked up each evening for a new man, a new client, someone who is not their father, mothers who hardly act like one instead sell themselves to sustain to survive; these children haven't lost their smiles or the hope that they too can lead a life like any other children. the optimism and the will to survive made me feel so humble and yet so ungrateful, i remembered just how i crib for the tough life i lead, studies, students, admissions, college, job etc etc but this time i knew how futile and silly my problems are, that their are greater issues in life, just because they are camourflaged in the darkest corner of the society doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

another thing that really struck me was, while we were lost and trying to find our way, my sister called out to this lady "Didi can you please direct me to Night Light?" the lady looked up startled at being addressed "Didi", she was a prostitute getting ready for the evening, she didnt react to it but the smile she gave my sister was one that was grateful and full of respect. why do we forget that these ladies are women too. why do we forget that these women are at times under compulsion to self themselves to strangers each night year after year?? why do we use the word "prostitute" as a slur to abuse someone we dislike? aren't they humans too? who gave us the right to judge them and categorize them as fallen women, and as an outcast?

As we walked out of the dingy lane, retracing our steps from where we had entered almost 3 hours earlier, we saw a bevy of beautiful ladies, young and really pretty, giggling away trying to prepare themselves for the evening, while the so called 'dignified' and 'refined' ladies walked by giving them dirty glances and the men caste their lustful eyes, eyeing them in the sleaziest way; i turned away and started walking ahead, tears brimmed my eyes and i silently brushed them aside. in the brightness of the so called civilized society exist at its core, a dark dark world, in the din of laughter and cheerful banter, agonized moans and heart wrenching cries are muted, muted by circumstances, by compulsion, by need and survival.

Ghastly Guests!!

Recently a few guests came over, their attitude really bugged the hell out of me. its funny how we are particular about the things we own, its well being but when it comes to others we care two hoots. who bothers if we are inconveniencing the hosts? as long as we are fine. i mean wtf!

This lady came with her young son who was given something to eat. he was crawling on our carpet and instead of feeding him herself the lady let him spill the contents of the food all over the expensive carpet. and then promptly told my mom, do give the carpet for dry cleaning... the poor baby's nose was running.. so the mother wiped his nose with her hand and then went on to wipe it on the handles of the sofa. imagine!! height of unhygienic behavior.. her 10 year old son was merrily pouncing up and down on our sofa almost ruining it, while his mom did nothing to stop him. i was wanting desperate to tell the lady to sit up and take notice that they are causing harm to our belongings but she was least bothered.

My student had once come to meet me and marched past the sitting room right into my room and sitting down on my bed, she found it soft so decided to pounce up and down. she got hold of cupid [my stuffed doggy] and began to pull its ears and began kissing him. i was seething in anger, from that day onwards i don't permit her to enter my room and don't let get her close to anything i consider personal and extremely precious or private.. i mean really? where are the etiquettes?

Some relatives came over. and they were supposed to dine with us. on being served their piled their plates with food and decided to waste more than half of the contents. i have serious doubts if these people will dare to do the same in their household. will they waste food if they were in their house? then why do these people misbehave in others house?? if you cant eat as much as you have been given then why dont you request to have them removed instead of wasting it.. some people will do anything if the food comes free.. yeww!!

This uncouth behavior really angers me. i don't know why people don't cultivate some manners and etiquettes when it is so essential for once grooming. and why are more so exploitive when it comes to other people when they wont ever do the same if the tables were changed to something that directly linked to them? Sit up people, and grow some manners!!

P.S-2 more days to go.. :)

Counting My Many Blessings

Anger, relief,pride,grief, mourning hope- are some of the emotions was running through me as i sat glued to the television relentlessly for many hours. all id like to say at a moment like this is.. i'm proud that i belong to that category of Indians, who think,who feel and who care; i've seen bloggers angry, voicing their opinion out aloud, showing their solidarity towards a nation that we belong to, leaving aside caste,creed, sex, sect etc.. We are Indians and no-one dares to mess with our motherland.

I salute the photo,print vedio journalists for their extensive and detailed coverage of this whole issue. an ardent fan of TIMES NOW, and Arnab Goswami; this is to applaud him and his whole team, who brought to us some really great journalism.

But the segment of people who finds extra special mention is the NSG, the navy, army and the camandos; who have worked fearlessly, without tiring and rescuing the hostages, and carrying out Mission;black Tornado to the hopefully its last leg of the armed battle.

Enough has been said now is the time to look forward and counting the many blessings.... yes there is a death toll, yes there is a crisis.. but it is not a time to sit back and lament but pray in thanks giving of what worse could have happened but thankfully never did... its thanksgiving and it is time we count our many blessings...

Here are the people and things i am most thankful about....

• my family, because of whom i am what i am. without them my life would have been so bleak.
• Samik, nomatter how grave the differences we may have, he is a comfort i treasure, his is the thought that comes to my mind in times of happiness or grief.
• i'm thankful of having a healthy mind and body; that i can run, walk, think, dream, achieve and do whatever i feel, how i feel and whichever way i feel.
  
• friends i have made in this journey of life, some who have struck through thick and thin.
  
• my blog and my friends here. my day begins with me sleepily putting on my pc to come online comment.. and my day ends with me signing out of gtalk... ive met some amazing friends here, and its kind of nice to interact with people outside what is "real' world...

do share your thoughts and the things and people you are most thankful about...

Terror Terror Everywhere!!

Its in news everywhere! live coverage, vedio clippings and more and more updates, its all over the news, the Mumbai massacre is there everywhere. with 101 killed till now and 287 injured... and 16 policemen dead, the government is out with condemnation and compensation. what is astonishing is, how could a Lashkar-e-toiba brand of terrorists travel through the Arabian sea and get off at the gateway of India without surveillances or any patrolling by the Indian navy? not just that how could these terrorists all in their early 20's gain access and entry into 3 big hotels of Mumbai- the Trident, Taj and the Nariman Bhavan?

While the operations are still on. and hostages are rescued; the government should sit down and discuss security issues instead of election campaign. are we a soft target then? only when there is a terror do we wake up and talk about nationalist feeling? Hasn't the government officials heard of prevention being better than cure??

What really really pissed me off was, in a far away city like Kolkata, the police woke up to tighten the security only after such incidents. shouldn't we have surveillance all the time and isn't security a thing that should be on 24*7 ? this is the case everywhere, we wait till terror strikes instead of being prepared of such a thing to happen.

Damn the government that boasts of being for the people, by the people and of the people; yet it fails to deliver to the citizens that vote them into power. if we behave like sheep it is bound that others will behave like tyrants. we have no infrastructure and no basic amenities to combat such grave issues like terrorism, we need to come up with a back up plan instead of just sitting back and watching on helpless.

My condolences are with the dead.May peace be with them.
Here's wishing all those injured a speedy recovery.
A big salute to those jawans and policemen who are at their job relentlessly trying to overcome these bloodthirsty leeches who are wasted on this planet earth.

May relief soon be close at hand.
God Speed.

Family Day, Awards and Exams

Yesterday was family day at Samik's office. Its a yearly event and like last year, this year too i accompanied him. Now you must be wondering why the hell would i go out with my [supposed] ex? well yeah we have broken up or rather we are on a break for sometime.. we keep going out, socializing, talking over the phone and usual stuff. Don't ask me why because i don't know, except i think we cant help not doing it. But trust me it really works wonders. The kind of equation we share now, probably is not the same as we used to share when we were together, its better and more mature i guess.


O yea Family Day, well family day at HSBC is really something. i mean the saroo employers do think of their employees enough to organize such an event on a high scale each year. the best part is, the event was not about showing off how good the company is. but it was also about doing their bit for the society. the company boasts of aiding an orphanage and an old age home, and they are their sole benefactors.imagine what it would look like to see men in their late twenties on stage, in South Indian attire-lungi and shirt, baring their [sexy lol!]legs and dancing to one of my favs-appadi podu... yeah you are right they were looking absolutely cute, where else would you see IT professional, from managerial level do this?!. it takes courage to perform in front of friends and family. what was amazing was, every department did their best trying to out do the rest, which resulted in a darn good show; except the MC was atrocious, with his PJs and singing. every one was chilled and relaxed, even his moronic managers were having a gala time with their wife and kids or girl friends. i have been hearing a lot of Fresh N Honest coffee in samik's office, finally i got to savor it too.it was perfect, a lil strong but absolutely heavenly. what did i do all evening? well samik and i went for never ending walks within the compound, drinking coffee, savoring the winter chills, chatting and laughing, and watching one or two great performances. To say the least we got spotted by samik's friends and colleagues, who kinda eyed me suspiciously and gave a meek smile and disappeared! [thank god!] i just hope today at least he wont be teased at office for being in the event yet not taking part.. but my prediction says he might as well feel the heat! :P

Madam PJ has award me again and it goes without saying that I'm thrilled and honored. its the butterfly award! how i was envying all those who had it and i didn't! but now i have one to flaunt it too. :) but id like to pass it on to

*harshita
*ria
*anwesa
**luckydivs
*yamini and
*tara

because this girl gang rocks! girl power!! :)

my semesters begin in an exact week. to be honest i have not been able to make a headway in the past week, but all that is about to change, relax! no im not quitting blog world :D its just im not scared or nervous. but i will be, dont worry and you will get to know for sure :P


i hope you all have a great weekend ahead!

cheerio!

What angers me?

In school id wonder what kinda temper i had, if i had a hot or short temper? then i realized that i have a hot and a short temper. now there are about a million things that really pisses me off. but then i ll not bore you and just state a few. you might ask why? id say some people have been rubbing me off the wrong way lately and i think i just reached my endurance, so here i go, venting my frustration. it seems all the losers of the world infest my planet.

1. "i the almighty" attitude that some flaunt and shamelessly so

2.first they prod you "comment nahi karte ho aj kal?" and then "what kinda comment was that?" !! isnt comments a way to express personal opinion?? or is to please author of the blog??

3.how i hate this one- "free advice" god! just because advice is free people are so generous with them that it often kills me.mails ho ya call ho, chat ho ya sms ho... everyone is dishing out free advice... wasn't advice something you seek? or to be given when you are in need? but no, nowadays wherever you go, you get it, all for FREE.... FREE ADVICE anyone?!! unlike most im not really interested in all things free, not this time though

4.some people just don't know how to read between lines.things said politely or rudely, subtly or directly; some just refuse to take the point! phew! this not only irritates me but bugs me to no end. what do you do with such people? who are thick skinned and fat sculled?

5.these are the type of people really makes me angry, because they are themselves volatile [more than me] and you just need to kowtow to them and if you don't, you are in for brickbats, you need to measure each things you say, for something said in jest is taken the wrong way. i hate being conscious and aware. because no matter what you do or say you end up in the wrong side of the person.god help those who have such gusse wala saroo as friends... they need it big time....

6.there are plenty such people in my college. these people will smile at you, but you can read their thoughts and look through their facade. they will tell you "o how beautiful you are looking.lost weigh na?! her thoughts are "bitch! she lost weight my foot!" what she wants to hear is "what are you saying? i think you have lost weight!" and i end up saying "o yea? have i lost weight? thanks for reminding, it boosts my confidence to work harder!" lol! sometimes these people will look at you with spite in their eyes, and when you catch them looking they are taken aback and will try and give their fake brightest smile and look away! :P

7. these are the people who have bloated ego's and think no end of themselves. one small thing done and they feel that they have been slighted.

8.are you still reading?! thanks.... well these people leave things half way just because they have lost motivation for whatever reasons. hate the losers!

9. these are sadists and misanthrope. no amount of good can cheer them up, they are down in the dumps and will make sure you feel the same too..arrgh!!

10. these people take a jibe at others thinking it to be fun but don't know how to take the reactions, good for bad.they think like is trivial and all hunky dory..damn them anyway! :P

then there are liars, hypocrites etc who fall in this category too but are kinda lame... if you meet people who belong to any of the above category run for you life and never go back!

Mixed Bag of Events

lots been happening on my personal front. some real encouraging things and somethings that totally suck. but then life is all about its ups and downs and i just hate to dwell on negativity for too long because it gets to me :)

finally a very hectic two weeks of college just came to an end. now there is another two weeks of study leave and then semesters. yeah i cant wait to get it done and over with. because i really wanna move beyond the boundaries of JU :). the good news is, most of my results of class tests are out, and i am really happy about it, they are pretty decent and at last the hard work paid off. what more my last semester with my favorite prof [yeah i have had a crush on him since 1st semester] ended with me getting really good marks in his paper.yay! :D *blush* *blush*


hmm things really turned sour on one of the places i really find solace in.my blog. the joint blog turned into a battlefield of sorts with a post on me, trying to cheer me up. the post was maybe well intended. but i really cant stand distortion of my name, and the things that were written about me, which seemed nothing like who i am. this keeps happening with me, the moment i stand up for myself i loose friends. i mean don't i even have the right to react after being humiliated in a public forum? those people who wrote the post quit one by one. what can i say? this is a free world, they have a right to do what they want. but its funny how a trivial issue like this was handled. misunderstandings happen if there are many on board, but the trick is to understand not everyone is the same, to adjust and work together in harmony.i thought these people were on because they truly wanted to have fun and to spread good cheer. maybe they were never meant to be a part of it. Rock star's Lounge will move ahead nonetheless.

on happier thoughts.... children's day is coming up, and i plan to do something for my students... have gotten them gifts i just hope they like it... my niece will be over too so maybe i'll make a trip to the mall, which is long overdue. have you guys seem Roadside Romeo?? can a 7 yr old see the movie? i hope there is no adult content. :P

PS- i know this post surely doesn't sound too optimistic but im trying to look beyond things that depress me. please be patient, happy posts will surely come up :)

Right And Wrong

For someone who is guided strongly by "what is right and wrong" it is tough when i find myself feeling, reacting or thinking things that may not be right. now you will ask me, what according to you is right? how do you define right? well, for example, jealousy is there in everyone but it is a negative feeling. just like we know that feeling jealous is not right in the same way there are hosts of other things that exists but may not be correct or the right thing to do or feel or react or act.

Being a Virgo analysing and over-analysing comes so easy to me. so when i identify myself having a feeling that i shouldn't have, my agony kinda multiplies. what really bothers me is when i see some friend or loved one down and depressed and i know if only she/he followed what i said things would be fine and when they don't pay heed to me, it makes me really unsettled and i try to give in to the person's choice. in the same way, I've always acknowledged the existence of another facet to a topic but initially it was so hard for me to accept a different perspective to view it, now i have practiced and perfected giving in gracefully. but the issue that most bothers me is when i know i feel something for someone [fondness, care, affection, love and happiness etc] and that person is not receptive enough, but with time that too I've overcome. i don't pain myself thinking of it, for i know it doesnt really matter, what matters is that i know i must not demand that the other person reciprocate my feelings.

there are certain wrong things around. it is up to us to identify them and rectify them. if we don't maybe it wont affect one but it will surely make us a better person. you must think I'm some mad girl, who having nothing to do decides to fill in her blog with utter trash and we are compelled to read her. but then am i that incoherent? or am i making sense at all? what id like to know is, is there anything that really bothers you that you have to deal with?

A Strange Phone call

Day before yesterday a really strange thing happened. samik and i was out. we had gone to this upcoming township adjacent to the IT Sector in kolkata called Rajarhat. that's our usual hangout on Sundays if we get a lot of time out. this Sunday wasn't unusual except for what happened.

We had stopped for coffee at CCD outlet in Technopolis [it houses several IT firms and CCD and bookstores as well] When we entered it was relatively empty. just a few people we hanging around but mostly it was vacated. we slowly made our way to the first floor which houses the cafe. entering we choose our seats in front of the counter. in no time we were engaged in our conversation, we were having a silly discussion when samik's phone rang. it was his mom calling him to tell him, to get her the mugs that she so wanted that are available only in a departmental store in Rajarhat.

We both were surprised as to how his folks knew exactly where we were. after asking kakima[ samik's mom] we were informed that some man had called kaku [samik's dad] and told him that his son is sitting at the very moment with a girl in CCD,Rajarhat. and when kaku informed that they know that samik is with his girlfriend like he usually is, on a Sunday evening; the man hung up. the identity of the caller is unknown.

Now what tantalizes me is who could have called and why? we had looked around after the call from kakima and there were only three other couple except us there. and none of them was known to Samik. that samik and i are dating is not unknown to anyone in his family, so who could have called and why? i wish i could see his face when kaku had informed him that he knew about us. lol! really! nowadays people have all the time in the world to interfere in others life. how i hate such people!

SPACE

Every individual has their own space and it is the space that has to be respected in order for a healthy relationship or atmosphere. wondering why my sudden obsession with space? well i got into an argument with mom and that reemphasized just how important space is in our lives.

When a child is being born there he/she should be nurtured and guided but once the child crosses his/her teens she should be trusted enough to make the right choices if required she can be suggested on the things she is doing, but not directly taking over his/her life and their making decisions. india it is not uncommon to hear parents exclaim "for me no matter how old you are, you will remain my baby to me" this may sound soo endearing to most but has a negative impact otherwise. once a child grows up, she should be given her space to be who she/he wants to be and what she wants to do. it is this lack of space, that often leads to the elders disrespecting the young adults that leads to so much strife within the family.

Now you will tell me why should elders respect their children? well respect is not something you demand but your attitude should be such that your personality should command respect. if we all respect one another, irrespective of age, then live is much smoother. being elders or parents it is difficult for them to appreciate or understand the youth because of their different ways, so instead that go about trying to change them. but instead if they respected the younger generation for who and what they are then things would have been much easier. it is applicable to youth respecting the elders too. if there is mutual respect and scope of space then this so called generation gap would not exist.

And this is not just applicable to parent-child relationship but to friendships, marriages and relationships too.i hope people are able to accept and appreciate each owns' want of space and respect them for everything that they are and everything that they are not.

A walk down memory lane

No I am not going to dust the dirt off my memories, or awaken my conscience which can never deny your existence. Not I am not going to linger to relish the moments we had shared. To be honest, time and love have already started to erode my memories, what remains is snippets of what was and what I will never let it be. Yes it belongs to the past and that is where it is destined and willed to be.

You will ask what the purpose of writing this is. And I’m silent. I know not what to tell you. No I’m not in love with you. Yes I am happy in my life now and I’m looking forward to my future. I guess I am just trying to make peace with something that marked a change in my life; forever.

I don’t know where you are now. I have almost forgotten your face. But I still battle with the memories which are no longer a source of pleasure but a reminder of something I would never like to remember. Sometimes when I walk past your old house, my mind drifts to you but in an instant that too is forgotten. I keep coming across things that remind me of you. I should cringe in remembrance but I don’t. I wonder how I could change thus, that nothing related to you affects me anymore, no fear or nostalgic grips me. But I can’t do away with you completely I try but I can’t. Why? No I have no hangover of what was, I don’t want to recreate the past. I am happy in my present but past comes back now and then to remind me that were there, that it had all happened you were there. It is not just my imagination.

Years have passed. I hope you have moved on. I want you to know I am happy and in love. I have a happy tomorrow waiting for me, when the person I love the most awaits me for the rest of my life. I want you to be happy too, in whatever you do. I want you to move on beyond the shadows of the past. I hope you will rise above the guilty feeling of pushing me away from you. I have forgiven you, but I can never come back. I hold you in the highest regard, and I wish you the world of happiness. Heed to my request and walk away from the past; which will give you nothing but grief and unhappiness. Accept that what happened can never be altered. Embrace reality, hold my hand in friendship and let me guide you to the golden sunrise, from where a new life will begin with a new tomorrow. Time has not run out, if only you make an effort. I will be there, like I have been always, as a friend always there in need, trust me. Let not your past mar the future you can build and the happiness that can be all yours if only you reach out.

A New Beginning

Wondering why i was suddenly consumed by this immense need to change my blog URL which has been my blog address since my formative days as a blogger?? well i felt a need for anonymity and a sense of security. over the period of time, i have noticed that my blog has been subjected to as a device by which people i know personally [my friends, family,relatives and some people i don't get along with at all] to pry into my private realm of my life and use the information for their own selfish needs. Samik looks in to see the things that are occurring in my life,which he suspects i may not tell him, my college mates pry to see what exactly i write if i bitch about them at all; so on and forth.

i still maintain that i blog to preserve my sanity. my blog is my best friend. and my friends in blogger ville are the people who matter the most once i enter this virtual world. they still find immense relevance once i step out too. but surely my blog isn't for those who seek voyeuristic pleasure from it. i am a simple and uncomplicated person. i am just plain and very ordinary. but i am me. and i have the right to write what i feel like and opine what my sensibilities allow me. what i write is not to please people but it is solely to satisfy my mind and my soul. and i need the independence to speak my mind and write on issues i find relevant.i don't want to cater to what people opine and write accordingly. i may sound like a selfish moron here but then sometimes one does have to think about ones own need.

i hope our association as friends will continue and in this leg of my journey in blogger i hope to make new friends who will value me for everything i am and everything i am not! cheerio

Friend and Stranger

In the last 24 hours i have been hurt twice. it is not hurt as in tears and sadness...but a part of me felt wounded. for one, is one of my closest friend and the other is a girl i admire in class[ i don't share a friendship with her though] both in their attitude towards me have really made me feel that, people don't need a reason to be mean, and they care less how their attitude may hurt other people.

lets take my friend. well what she could have politely refused me, she chose instead of humiliating and insulting me, insinuating that i lack in morals and degraded me. it was not required. i simple "no" would have worked too. what good does it do to people to look down upon people on issues which they themselves can be tarnished. but hey! im not saying a thing, because it is not an appropriate thing to do. i hope it does her good that she being a close friend has hurt me.

now for this stranger. well, she is one of the most sorted girls i had come across. we have never been friends and now maybe never will be. i admired her for all that she stood up for; and thought her to be a genuine person. the other day, i thought we connected well, as we spoke on some issues; and for once i felt it doesn't need a friend to have a good conversation, i think i liked her even more. but no! she too turned out to be like the rest, who mocked me because of the fact, that we had a conversation when she clearly didn't want to participate in it and wanted to be left alone; contrarily i remember distinctly that i had asked her if i should indeed leave her alone but she said it was fine and she in fact asked me various questions, gave me her views... how can people be so dual? why cant they be transparent in what they do and want?

If i don't want a thing or a person i make no bones about it. i don't know what is happening to people. probably this is how people are, they lash out at others and not resolve things politely and others use politeness to fend off people and then bitch about them... some people.....

some people make special places in our hearts.
when they move on their place is left vacant. and a void is created.
a void that can never be filled.

sometimes it is just best to let things go;
for what was never meant to be will remain unfulfilled.
maybe it was never meant to be at all.

Astrology

they say astrologer can read your palm and tell your future about you. they may not be the oracle telling things exactly as it will occur, but they can surely warn you of an impending thing, good or bad, and accordingly a remedy is given. my parents believe in astrology; somewhat. they don't refer to it like one would to as the word of god! but surely as something to be warned off and doing things to avoid it. but i am a 21st century girl, i refuse to believe anything said to be without a reason or logic. so when i was told to do certain things or wear gems i flatly refused; so if that meant that it will harm me i was prepared for it. but i guess things have change even if slightly once i was explained in a logical way of how the things work. I'm a mangalik but it doesn't effect me nor Samik, it cant help to know. but that doesn't mean from now on i will do things according to the auspicious time or without consulting my astrologer or vastuvid etc. but yeah to be warned and to look out if such things happen doesn't really hurt.

do you believe in palmistry or astrology?? would you be guided by kundali [horoscope]? what would be your take if the girl / guy you love is a mangalik*?

*mangalik is one who supposedly has a troubled personal life, his/her husband/wife dies early. so a mangalik is married off only to another mangalik. often the girl/guy is married off to a tree or shiva and then widowed to nullify the effect of mangalik on a non mangalik.

One thing that annoys me about people is their callous approach to life or things. Somehow I can deal with other flaws but however I can never come to terms with how a person deals with life in a nonchalant manner. They have this easygoing and laid back attitude. Often people will assume that world revolves around them and will function according to their own rules. For them it’s fine if they miss their flight, for their will catch the next one. If they have to submit a form somewhere, they will wait till the last day. They will stall doing a particular thing, which maybe of more importance than smoking up with their other friends. Its one big party, they are always up to some trick, even the most serious occasions seem funny to them, emotions seem trivial and maturity a fools burden of life. They may appear pleasing and almost entertaining to most, they maybe an obvious choice for frequenting or bonding but after a time they sure do get to you. Even their never-ending optimism makes you feel sick of them.

Maybe I am too much of a perfectionist here, but then life is so valuable, and to see people always taking it easy, bending a rule now and then, and doing their bit in their own sweet time not caring a bit of what others feel or do is something I consider somewhat illogical and extremely callous. Moreover, how can you always adopt this happy go lucky attitude towards things that may not be as trivial as you think they are? Optimism works wonders but sugary saccharine attitude frankly gets to me. I hate people who always have this attitude, as if life is one big joy ride.

Somehow I have always valued life; I have seen things and have always had a rather serious and matured way of looking at it and dealing with it. So when I see such people, I feel that they are a mere waste.

Call me demented or a moron. But one who hasn’t prioritized his/her life may be the flavor of the season, but soon after the joy ride is over, gets trashed and thrown out before he/she even knows it. So all those of the likes do -Review and reanalyze yourself!