Homeless

I came today from a trip back home. and its not a great feeling. what makes it worse is i couldn't just fit in back at home, i was sulking i wanted to get back, i was missing my roomies, my life here. and i had left at a time i had settled in but now that i went back everything got unsettled again. the life that i had to willingly detached myself from, was the same life i could never get back to when i was home. and when i was begining to just settled down i had to come back. and now when i am here i long for all that i wont get... why is it that grass is greener on the other side?

Its like i cant fit in back home anymore and neither do i belong here. its the worse feeling of the lot. i know within a few days i may settled back in here but this feeling is there to stay. how can life transform itself so fast? where do i belong now? is what i keep wondering.....

Sorry im in an exteremely bad mood now... hopefully will bounce back... :)

This is a teary phoenix signing off...

P.S-next post on my first flight journey... more on that later..

Overwhelmed!!

I have tons to say, most things are serious, but before gettting into graver things, i'd like to apologize to Mayank, Nikhil, Anwesa and Yamini, who really thought i was leaving,if viewed from a different angle, my April Fools joke wasn't all that funny. but i found out just how much my blogger friends mean to me and vice versa and that is overwhelming.. and for those who guessed it out that i was indeed fibbing... :) well... i dont know what to say \m/ you guys are tough to fool! so in case you fell for it and thought i was leaving you for good.. wooohoohahahaa.. i'm not.. im very much here.. like they say.. quitters never win and winners never quit!

Now on to what happened today. i have never felt this overwhelmed and humbled like this before, by the end of the experience i could barely hold tears back, and i feel ungrateful and extremely selfish in life but before walking out of the place i made myself a promise, even if i can't do anything directly for the situation but i will try my best to value what i have and lead a more meaningful life.

I had an interview at an NGO today. this NGO provides education and upkeep of destitutes, orphans and mostly children of prostitutes. before you cringe and form opinions i'd entreat you to read what i have to tell you. Initially i too was very reluctant to apply and even go for the interview, because their main centre was amidst Kolkata's red light area, but on my sisters insistence and since she was supposed to accompany me i agreed. both of us walked the by lanes going deeper and deeper into a congested lane, shops lined either sides of the streets. people eyed the two of us, wondering where the two of us were heading in the locality of the ill repute. after a lot of asking, a prostitute herself helped my sister find the right lane which after several twists and turns lead us to an old house and then a narrow staircase took us up to a terrace and a grill gate on one side. we opened the gate and walked in. [till this point, i knew i would say no to the offer because traveling to that locality everyday was something i knew i could never do, but if they transferred me to their other branch, which is somewhat near home, i knew i could still do it.]
the sight that greeted us took me aback somewhat. on a carpet, lay 20-30 odd children all asleep, and the happy smiles on their face showed just how peaceful they were and happy being there. down the hall we went into the administration office where we had to wait for almost two hours till the lady in charge walked in. those two hours i met some of my sisters students, who study in the same school as the one my sister teaches in. once they woke up and noticed my sister they came running, and in moments i lost tract of my sister amidst hugs and kisses and constant chattering. as we sat there we saw what the children's routine was like, after napping they woke up to a glass of warm milk and biscuits and then after playing a while they got down to their books. they seemed like any normal kid running and playing around but it is their smiles that set them apart from any other kid, because they were the brightest and the happiest. what i heard about their backgrounds later, left me stunned, aghast and totally overwhelmed.

yes i got the job, and thankfully i will be teaching in their different branch which is situated in a better locality and it was just the thing i wanted. but when i walked out of the NGO office, what the lady in charge had to say, rang in my ears. most of the children of were brought up in the NGO was rescued from their homes in the locality, their mothers were prostitutes, most were alcoholics and subjected their children to abuse both verbal, physical and sexual. if you are shuddering already dont, more to come. i met this girl whom i so liked, her name was kajal. kajal was the eldest of the three kids,age 10 she was a surrogate mother to her younger siblings, while her mother was with clients locked up in their house she used to baby sit her siblings and was often subjected to molestation by her mothers clients and people from the locality. there was this guy, Rakesh whose mother woke up at 11 and barely managed to get him ready or get him food, and abused him badly both physically and sexually until he was rescued and incidentally he comes first in his form. Little akash aged 6 has a broken arm because of his drunken mother; all their children had one thing in common, the identity of their fathers is not known.


so much happening in their lives, so many scars that has almost taken away their innocence; but then how do they smile, how do they try harder and harder each time to be a better human being? how people like us scorn such women and their bastard children but then there are people among us who step in front and give a helping hand. what i simply loved was there were many, relatively young people who work for and towards these children, and they do so without any restraints. and these children having got a glimmer of hope in the dark alleys and glitter curtains, smell of stale sex and alcohol; they try and bring themselves up and help those who help them be a better human being. despite seeing their mothers being decked up each evening for a new man, a new client, someone who is not their father, mothers who hardly act like one instead sell themselves to sustain to survive; these children haven't lost their smiles or the hope that they too can lead a life like any other children. the optimism and the will to survive made me feel so humble and yet so ungrateful, i remembered just how i crib for the tough life i lead, studies, students, admissions, college, job etc etc but this time i knew how futile and silly my problems are, that their are greater issues in life, just because they are camourflaged in the darkest corner of the society doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

another thing that really struck me was, while we were lost and trying to find our way, my sister called out to this lady "Didi can you please direct me to Night Light?" the lady looked up startled at being addressed "Didi", she was a prostitute getting ready for the evening, she didnt react to it but the smile she gave my sister was one that was grateful and full of respect. why do we forget that these ladies are women too. why do we forget that these women are at times under compulsion to self themselves to strangers each night year after year?? why do we use the word "prostitute" as a slur to abuse someone we dislike? aren't they humans too? who gave us the right to judge them and categorize them as fallen women, and as an outcast?

As we walked out of the dingy lane, retracing our steps from where we had entered almost 3 hours earlier, we saw a bevy of beautiful ladies, young and really pretty, giggling away trying to prepare themselves for the evening, while the so called 'dignified' and 'refined' ladies walked by giving them dirty glances and the men caste their lustful eyes, eyeing them in the sleaziest way; i turned away and started walking ahead, tears brimmed my eyes and i silently brushed them aside. in the brightness of the so called civilized society exist at its core, a dark dark world, in the din of laughter and cheerful banter, agonized moans and heart wrenching cries are muted, muted by circumstances, by compulsion, by need and survival.

I Hate Being Me!!

Granted that we should be optimistic and stay cheerful. granted that we should look beyond unhappiness and frustrations. but a person has her/his weak moments. and i guess every person should have their space to rant, let out anger and unhappiness, these are human failings and even i have an access to them.

Sometimes i feel that god has been really partial. he has given some, abundance of most good qualities and some he has given below average attributes.most will comfort me when i say I'm so flawed, but we all have flaws and all . i know i am not. i wish i had great hair.. OK not so great but good hair, thick and shiny. i wish i did have so blunt features. i have no qualms with my complexion being wheatish but then it is wheatish na not perfect and flawless. i don't have my athletic built anymore, love handles keeps reminding me of their existence. I'm not tall too. damn! i hate myself. i wonder why i lack motivation to do anything about myself. all my life I've been careless about myself, i have roamed carefree not caring about the sun burning my skin or the dust wrecking my long hair, which remained untied and un-brushed.maybe its because i never loved myself, never took pride in myself, never went the extra mile to take care of my appearance, maybe its because mom always discouraged me and made me feel bad about myself. i don't know maybe its just me.

i wonder why even after being dissatisfied and recognizing my flaws i can never have the motivation enough to see things through sustainably. its damn frustrating and irritating and i just don't know what to do about myself.

all you people whom i have bored, who are utterly disgusted to read this repelling post, i wont apologize, a girl has her frustrations and insecurities. and don't you dare tell me "its okay you will get better!" or "we all have our flaws!" or even "this is a phase, it too shall pass!!" because we all have these insecurities and frustrations some masquerade it and some very silly and dumb people like me choose to talk about it, hereby making it public!!!!

Don't ask me why this sudden moronic outburst, blame it on my PMS or the fact that i know I'm putting on weight despite checking my food and exercise. its really damn frustrating to choose L or XL clothes[ i tend to wear loose clothes anyway] damn! i cant pick out anything randomly without worrying if it will fit me or it will reveal all the things i don't want it to. uff!! I'm just too bugged and cranky i guess.. damn this new year!! nothing is going my way!!!!

911

Hello? God? you there??.... i need help here... :(

A long long day

Wow I'm so glad people take me so seriously :) in my last post where i was stomping about angry and hurt, where i had warned my friends not to read ahead if they were going to be bored hearing me rant. :) that's a real nice thing to see. to be honest I'm rather glad most didn't read it because, a day after the incident occurred my anger has gone down nonetheless.. I'm no longer as stomping mad as i was yesterday. i believe every incident has something to teach you, and that eventually everything happens for our own good. however unfortunate the event was, i got to know that i can never be too polite to bear someone humiliating and insulting me. samik too i see has stood up for me and what he felt was right, and for someone who is gandhi ji's ardent pupil, with ahimsa, that's a good start. apparently his folks have realized that what happened shouldn't have happened and are trying to make amends and have termed the whole fiasco as "unfortunate thing to happen" but i need time to heal. so now I'm just not going back and if i ever hear anyone talking marriage to me, i swear i will wring his/ her neck with my bare hands.

I was faced with yet another case of infidelity today. it was shocking to hear my student confess about her father's infidelity to me. what was really alarming was that, her father did it openly without any shame, got the lady over and did things or behaved in a way most inappropriate. and the reason for behaving this way? well her mom had been removed from her school when she was in class 9 and was married off to an old man from a rich household, who had an affair with his sister-in-law, so that had led to her unfortunate marriage falling apart and later she married her father. i was left with no words to comfort her. i don't know what the world is coming to.

On happier thoughts, i spoke to Harshi. and needless to say I'm a lot happier and calm. so no this time i wont thank her. i ll just settle with thanking god for sending me a non Christmas season Santa. Really life becomes a whole lot better if you have some great people around.

our new blog is really gaining great response and its really heartwarming. and the best part of it is, we are not under any pressure to promote or make its presence to be felt, like we had to the last time with the other blog. this time the bloggers are so excited that we have almost 6 posts in 5 days which i think is a super duper start. i just hope things work out and this blog stands the test of time.

if you still haven't seen it yet?and are interested to visit it.. then the link is here -Femme Fatale

And in case you haven't picked your award.. click here... or simply scroll down.there is one for everyone..

Here is what i keep telling myself every time life hurls me with a new challenge.. i don't know if it will work for you, but it sure works for me.

Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out.

Rotten Relatives!!

i hate socializing with my relatives. maybe i am a bit allergic to them or plain anti-social. but for me primarily the reason is their haughty nature and the tonality and choice of words. i don't really get into conflicts just avoid them like plague.

damn! this holidays, which i had carefully planned so that i could have "me"-time but instead I'm being forced to acknowledge that i haven't been active in the social circuits and that it is earning me negative marks [as i care!! :P] man! no matter what i do i cant seem to make some other plans and avoid it. I'm being grilled. no wonder i hate such relatives who force people away from them with their atrocious behaviour and then they bitch at their absence and snap when the person is forced to put up an appearance. damn!! damn!!

i don't know whats with these nosy people who are good for nothing and yet claim that they are relatives and demand attention!! really!! why this agitation you ask? well these are those pesky relatives who tell me, when are you going to do us a favour by completing your grads?as if they fund me and are my moral guardians. these people are the ones who tell me that I'm haughty because I'm studying in one of the best colleges in the city and that i choose not to spend time with them.. ludicrous!! i haven't seen people complaining because someone values studying to trivial social gatherings..

really!! :x what really bothers me is, these cousins who are almost 15-20 years my senior never bothered about me when i was younger. in fact they would not include me in any of their meets despite me begging them to allow me, saying I'm too small. and now that I'm all grown up they demand respect and attention! I'm raging here to even imagine tomorrow i have to go out to lunch at these peoples place because a cousin of mine has come down from Alaska for a few days and he will be leaving soon. because college is off now and i have nothing much planned I'm trapped into attending a social do despite not wanting to.. damn my fate!!

guys if you have such relatives..shun them or simple run away!! they are a pain in the A$$!! and do pray for me that i can endure this tyranny tomorrow without being my usual outspoken self and be the perfect darling daughter to my overtly emotional mom, who thinks the world of these trashy relatives!! :P

Wedding Party Woes!

I went to a wedding reception yesterday. it was my dad's friend's son's wedding. so it was kind of a family affair and on no acount could i refuse to go or give a slip as i usually do. my fears and apprehension are genuine,the comments of relatives and acquaintances really bothers me because it is almost as always on me getting married. my fears just got confirmed; when an aunty came up to my mom and said "ki go ruby di? meye akhon ki korchey? or kono chobi thakle dio.. oi je America theke oi je... akta patro achey........" [ ruby di, what is your daughter doing these days? send me her pic for that American guy i was talking about..." ] my face hardened and i was prepared to give the lady a taste of her own medicine when mom signalled me to keep my cool.

An invitee in the wedding was staring at me all evening. he was a man in his 50's, he later ensured that his wife joins in. it was only later i came to know he was inquiring to my mom what i was doing in life etc...

Another man, my dad's friend; went as far as to tell me, so you are completing college right? so will dad ensure you study or has he looked for a man yet? the moment i said both my dad and i will ensure that i study, his face clouded. he told my dad that he should treat me like a girl should and start looking for a groom.

Why do people worry about if or not others children are married and settled. cant they mind their own business? i have read about some similar experiences in my other bloggers friends blog but probably i could never gauge their plight. but now i do. isnt marraige about two people who are compatible and in love? and just who determines when is the right time to get married. im 21 and im having to face such a torture i wonder what will happen as the years proceed.marriage talks always makes me feel like an object, as if i am some old transistor that needs to me married off. i will marry if and when i am ready and not because someone thinks it is time to do it or i ought to do it. damn these social nuisance who think its on them to do good! and damn these arranged marriages and these pimps of a matchers!! hmmph!

Why do we still care when we know perfectly well that, for that person you dont matter at all?

why does it hurt when i knew this would happen?

WHY?!!

I TRIED DADA BUT FAILED!
I CANT FORGET YOU
EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE MANAGED JUST FINE!