Thoughts of longing and despair!

Thoughts are rampant. They keep me company when loneliness shrouds my very existence. I think back to the days, not long ago when I was back home. Life was so different, so serene and so uncomplicated. As years wore on, with time, life has changed and so have I. regrets? I have none. I know I have achieved all that I had set to conquer, but there are those things that I had never anticipated. Some are very good but comes with its own set of problems something I had never bargained for. Every time I walk the long road home on Friday evenings after work, I feel a gloom fill me, I have a job I like, I have everything I had dreamed of, staying away from home, doing my own thing, making a life for myself, in a city of my dreams: Bangalore. But then why do the tall buildings that I always fancied not give me any warmth, why do the whooshing cards not thrill me anymore, why does the fancy gadgets I own not keep me company? Why do I have tears pricking my eyes and eventually run down uncontrollably? Why do I just long to see the faces of loved ones? I long for just a glimpse of them, I long to just rest my head on Ma's lap and to cry uncontrollably, I long to wake up to Dad's voice telling its kachouri for breakfast and for me to run to freshen up, I long to sleep peacefully in my bed and wake up in my room, to the sun streaming through the window, like it has always been... Alas! those days are but a rarity!


 A new city, a new life but I have a heart that is never at peace. Love reigns, its His thoughts that keeps me going, I know I’m headed nowhere but somehow it keeps me alive. I wonder, most often than not, how can I accept things half way? I have never been the kinds. What drives me to relish whatever I have got and not lament not getting more? Sometimes when despair strikes I wonder at the existence I have, how long will I be able to carry on the charade? Will I be able to walk away from love knowing it’s the right thing to do? Will there be a day when I wake up and not think of him, not need him, not love him anymore? Will there be someone who is meant just for me? Questions are all that I have. They make my existence now.

Transitioning...

I have been home exactly a month back. Its been a massive journey in the past few months in my personal life.

Life at IIJNM hostel specially A2 (the room i stayed in) had transformed beyond my imagination just as the months ended and it was just a matter of a few weeks before we dismantled. it was a strange sensation, on one hand i was dying to get back, home seemed like paradise... at the same time a feeling of dread overcame me just imagining a life away from all my roomies. it was as if some invisible forces were bonding us in strong vices. the fun the laughter had suddenly magnified, we were closer than ever.

Vaidehi

Even now sometime i lay awake in the morning, closing my eyes tight imagining myself back at A2, hoping to just jump out of my bed and see all my roomies sleeping. i miss those goodnight and good morning sms's to Vaidu.. i miss seeing Deepi curled up in a ball, sleeping.. i miss the gurgling laughter of Anu...Shephali's morning exercise.. life was a routine... but mostly i miss having my best friend (Vaidu) around me 24*7.. its been painful experience to yank the roots i had spread at IIJNM to move away to my life (that has always been for the last 21 years) back at home. I cant ever forget the last roomie hug, the tears rolling down my face, clasping Vaidu's hands as they led me to the hostel gate where mum and dad were waiting for me to get into the car that would take me to the station and away from my 1 year stay at Bangalore and from people who had become my family. As the car moved away i could barely stop the tears., i could see Vaidu waving then she hung her head for a moment and then walked in stoically. the best part of the journey was, despite our differences, our clashing natures when it was time to say goodbyes we all left but we left being close to each other, and we left as good friends.

When i left home a year back I thought life was coming to an end on a personal front. But at the same time i knew my life was about to change forever, that it was my only opportunity to live a life that i had always wanted. I'm glad i took the plunge for the rise was surely worth it.

Coming up... Perks of living a life away from parents in a new city...

So What's New?!

God! how i wish i was the cool chick who is oh so hot! who has an attitude to flaunt, a life to live.. in short hot and happening! here i am boring me. struggling in the race of life, no colour whatsoever and no attitude to flaunt! but heck! I'm me isn't it! and just because i don't have a thing doesn't mean i cant right? so it brings me to that point where i make resolutions..


are you wondering, why make resolutions when you will not keep it? Dude.. i make resolutions and i make them turn true you know ..ahaan! :) don't roll your eyes now... :P :)

• I'm gonna take pride in myself and my accomplishments.. and will gain my confidence back and walk tall...
• people will make me feel like a dimwit [ o yea they have] i will turn up my nose at them.. and tell them to F***k O*F! or Kiss My A$$!!
• Will stop being Uptight and ease out!
• Will take failures and disappointments in my stride...most importantly will forgive myself.
• Will channelize my energies..
• Will Blog!!! and get back to the two people who have struck by me, through thick and thin and did not abandon me in favour for newer friends..they were there no matter what!! Anwesa and Nikhil... a promise made and will be keep! no more hibernation!!
• Will put in my all for the one this i need desperately JOB!!

Now for the hopes and prayers of this new year...

The last year has been pretty rough on my parents.. they have proven just how much parents really do for their kids..my parents put me and my comfort before their own needs.. and this year i hope and pray i can make them proud by overcoming my not so great grades, get a job so that i can give them all that they deserve and more. not only do i owe it to them but because it pains me to see how much they do to provide me a decent life. its time unhappiness and hardship makes a move, paving way for some comfort and happiness to reign!

Since I'm in an asking mood... God please please.. first give me a job... and second give me a job in Kolkata please...i miss home and not a day passes when i don't long to come back..let me be where i have sent 21 years of my life.. please please..getting a job would be superb but a job in Kolkata would be a cherry on the cake!! please make my life! :) :P

With such a huge list i think Mister God must have logged out of his prayer inbox already :P anyway.. how was your 31st? new year resolutions in 2010??

P.S- I'm planning to change my template of the blog..can you guys suggest good templates/widgets etc? any suggestions is always welcome!!

This year that was

No come back speeches no promises to keep blogging. i write because i want to. another year has drawn to an end. a year that will be a landmark in my life. a year in which i 'Grew Up' all of 22 yea i grew up.

i was among those who stay at home and are dying to go out into the world, live on my own away from family, fiercely ambitious and independent who want to live life on my own terms. but what i had not bargained for is knowing life for what it really is, and not how i viewed it. i remember making resolutions that this year will be that year when i move out of home, and at the end of it i have moved out. and these Christmas holidays when i am home, I'm living the live i had left behind on rent; and even though it is borrowed i think this is the most beautiful and heavenly places on earth for me. yea staying away from home makes even the earlier hellish like home seem like heaven.

leaving behind everything i grew up with was probably the hardest thing i have done till date. i still cant believe that i have managed to stay without all the things i loved. living in a new city, sharing a room with 4 others is not easy to say the least. there were some minor problems and then there were major problems but then i took it on. there were times things went way bad than i could have ever imagined. i felt everything crumbling, i knew i would never be able to stand up and face it again but then i did it. i learned to face things i wasn't proud of or things that made me feel terrible about myself.i felt like an idiot at times, i lost my confidence my zest for life and somewhere the reason for why i am where i am. I'm still clawing in the dark to find that one light that would guide me through. a lot of discoveries i have made about people but first and foremost about me. being at home you don't realize what you like and what you don't, or the kind of person you will be. i saw a glimpse of the kind of person i will be: prim and proper. one who keeps her shoes together, her cupboard in place, her laundry done and no pending work, in a word control freak. and i love that about myself, because at home I'm quite the opposite but living in a hostel taught me what a cleanliness freak i can be, yeah sometimes it does range in the limits of insanity but then i mean no harm to anyone.

i have done a lot of grown up stuff in my stint in Bangalore. i have travelled from an unknown naxal infested taluk of Karnataka to Bangalore, i took my first ever flight ride [make that 4 ever since...]i have learnt to go shopping alone.. o most guys its not a big deal but shopping is not something you can do alone..seriously.. you always need a companion..talking about being all grown up i had to counsel myself say about a million times that at 22 I'm hardly a young girl and that i should overcome my fears .. well the counselling continues.. and well i hope sometime it yields proper results...

on other fronts... i had my convocation a few days back on 24Th of December 2009 at 3.15 precisely i was handed over graduation degree..dressed in saree and robes[that's thee tradition of JU] looking like pupils of Hogwarts except a tad bit hideous... i officially became a graduate.. :)

personal front.. well i could never imagine a life apart from Samik.. even though I'm living such a life now.. at least from my end i do not see any change in the dynamics of our relationship.. distance does not really bother me.. in fact in someways distance puts me in a space when i value the time i spend with him.. over the phone or those rare occasions when he flies down to Bangalore to visit me... there is not much to tell.. more updates on personal front is required before i can make further statements :)

that's all from my end as of now...

so does this post mean I'm back to blogging?? well no promises..because i don't seem to keep them.. but a realization on blogging front.. from the moment i had let life take over and not me controlling it..i realized i had ceased to be content and i went slightly insane...as i always said blogging keeps me alive and sane..so i will probably cut down on those extra hours of sleep because i have nothing much to do and devote a little time to doing something that never fails to bring a smile to my face: blogging...

One month Anniversary

Me

Today is Independence day but that is not the only reason why this day is so significant to me. today marks one whole month of my leaving home. before you cringe, let me promise you, yes this is about leaving home but its primarily about my evolution and my journey of life in the past one month. So i wont go yapping about home and me feeling homesick.

Deepi and Vaidu

Earlier i couldn't conceive of a day when i would have to live a life away from home. i thought i would just perish just missing home. but now one month has passed, almost in a blink of an eye, and i realized that i have slipped into a life which i was probably destined to live. i think somewhere i have taken my stay here as a long long excursion maybe that's why it isn't affecting that much or maybe i keep too busy to even realize. i assure you problems are there, i do cry myself to sleep at times or i just break down whenever i try and take time alone; but pushing those moments aside its okay, I'm fine here, i do enjoy myself. i have realized unlike most i will always miss home and pine for it but there will also be millions of such moments when i will be happy, i will smile and laugh. here i have made friends or i have some very familiar faces who are now a part of my new life. a life which is what i wanted its so my type, the discipline, the punctuality with which the whole system runs. the meal times when we all gather together, laughing and talking, we often eat from others plate, we cry, we hug, we go for walks and these unknown people somewhere are like family. the bonds may not be that strong or close but these people do smile when you walk in... they ask about your health, they appreciate what you wear. its fun getting dressed for seminars and conferences, where all the girls help each other to fix their hair or make up. the guys are always at the TT board playing. we often play carom with the guards and it turns really noisy... its fun in a way. even far away from home i have made friends who care, Deepi actually woke up one night when i was sick, hearing me choke in my sleep. she got me medicines and woke me up to feed it to me... Vaidehi always locks my cupboard for me because i keep forgetting to do it... in turn i do what little i can to help them out, for better or for worse these people are my family now and it may not be great but life's good here.

Roomies: Deepi,ME,Shephu,Anu and Vaidu

Its been a month now.. i still couldn't believe it when i woke up this morning. everyone else was sleeping in.... it felt strange. i looked around me... there was Deepi and Vaidu sleeping curled up in their blankets, and i smiled its a regular sight for me now, and that reminded me at one time regular sight to me was waking up to find my niece curled up to me... thinking about her i looked at my watch it was 7.35 then i let my mind drift to a month back and i closed my eyes to recount what happened over a month back... this very day....

Samik

I can vividly remember, it was a cloudy day, my sister had already arrived to spend the day with me... and i was hurriedly getting dressed to meet Samik. we had gone to our favourite breakfast joint, and sipping tea he told me that was the last time i was drinking tea with him. even then it hadn't really sunk in that i was leaving that very day in a few hours, and i calmly smiled at him. it was later that the realization came, i kept staring at Samik, drinking in his sight, memorising how there were little wrinkles when he smiled, his forever sleepy eyes... i broke down several times in reckless sobs, but he was there strong as a stone, many times i had wondered if all his concerns about me leaving was just a formality? for he never betrayed any emotion. i understood later that he was being strong for me. it was only when i spoke to him from the station and he was leaving office that he broke down asking me if i was really leaving home and i couldn't reply only the announcements of a railway station filled the unspoken moments. it was really hard. i didn't know what i was doing. at that moment i regretted choosing such dreams that took me away from my loved ones. i didn't want it, if i could i would have dumped it all and just been by samik. but he evolved into a mature man and encouraged me to go on and fulfill my childhood dreams... he gave me hope and i knew i had to sail through this one year and rush back to be with him...


I had settled in my seat and came out to meet my folks and tears just wouldn't stop, just thinking about that day brings back more tears. as the train started pulling off i broke down... A MONTH HAS PASSED SINCE THEN.....it all seems surreal to me now.... immediately thinking about leaving home, I'm reminded of my first two days here. i remember how excited i was to walk down the slope to my hostel, pulling my suitcase behind me. i was greeted by so many people whom until then i had met only online, it was great. the next day officially all the others trooped in and those who had stayed back the day before like me, we helped the others drag their luggage and unpack. it was amazing... that night all of us roomies we stayed up huddled in two narrow beds, munching and talking about our lives, it was 3 in the morning when we stopped and realized we have been talking since 9 the last night. its funny how life changes and how we fall in place even in a new life.

Vaidu aka Vaidehi

Now my day begins with Vaidu's alarm ringing and i sit up to see Vaidu waking up too, or she comes over to wake me or vice versa.... the initial days of being prim and proper has given way to being absolutely shameless with each other, photo sessions are the order of the way [check my orkut pics... i dunno why but i cant upload pics to facebook :(] life is difficult and challenging. but i am alive and i hope someday all the goals that i had set for myself are realized and all the things that so burden me give way to a brighter tomorrow.... someday i will smile back at my life here and take forward many beautiful memories from my new life at IIJNM. someday... i will go home... :)

P.S- Wishing you all a very Happy Independence Day!

Scribbles

Scribbles while a guest lecturer was lecturing us on the cultural heritage of Bangalore... no offence to the Bangalorians but it did seem like they were promoting the city A LOT :D :P

Like the lofty breeze
that Saunders in, unannounced
memories visit me, and
time stops

those twinkling city lights
fading fast, as the car rushes on
those misty morning tea sessions
and those late night calls.

mothers heavenly home cooked food
and the comforts of my queen sized bed
the luxuries of home

so many relationships i have left behind
so many hearts have bled
tears of anguish and stifled sobs
is all i have left

its what i have always wanted
i repeatedly remind myself,
but memories keep coming back
making it difficult to rest.

i hunger for a glimpse of home
i thirst for his hugs
life is getting complicated
i wonder if the nightmare will end.

dreams they say come at a price
and I'm serving my time
in hope for a better tomorrow
when life will turn around


they say i will be fine
that this is just a phase
but surviving pangs of homesickness
is easier said than done.

the world swirls around me
i look around dazed
everything moves around
faster, than i can comprehend

tears will dry
time will fly
there will be a time
when my dreams will be realized

it took me 10 minutes to write this one... 4 days to finally find a pc and and another 4 days to finally finish typing... been extremely busy... :)

My new life

My room-mates: Vaidehi, Anu, Shephali and Deepika

its been a week since i left home and it already seems as if i have been living life this way for years. tears yes they came, when i was leaving home. i couldn't believe that everything i called my own was taken away from me. as the train rolled out of the platform and my mother's and niece's silhouettes was blurred as tears made it impossible to see.. soon they disappeared into oblivion and i was forced to get into the Ac compartment where i had everyone wondering the cause of the tearful farewell. thus under extreme embarrassment i swallowed my tears. it took me two nights to finally reach the city where my dreams were to be realized.

Bangalore is good. it strangely felt known as if i was made for it even though it was all new to me... i could hardly manage breathe it is really impossible to explain the varied emotions coursing through me. it was around 3pm when i first entered the campus and found my rooms. they are nice and spacious, almost like mini apartments and room mates are like pretty decent. people wonder that hostel food is like really terrible to consume but then really IIJNM is really an exception.. where else do you have four course meal with desert and friams almost every single meal and four meals a day. the amenities are simply awesome. its a tech freak's paradise. we have swipe cards for the media labs where we have a computer all to ourselves. this is the first place where i saw no manager or caretakers to overlook our work and doings.. we can walk in the campus anytime between 6am-11pm and almost at all times someone is around doing their work. its just 3 official days at college and we have had 4 assignments. its really harrowing and hectic for it seems like i am always on the run. Deadlines is the one word i really fear if not Nikhat mam. our first class in college really bowled me over, which began with an address by Ralph Framalino who is a visiting faculty from the US and he is a Pulitzer award nominee for this year. man! its so exciting and thrilling i can express. and yes the schedules are jam packed and hectic to say the least and they say the first month is smooth and slow... if this is slow i hate to see the real hectic ones...

there are so many changes in me these days and all for the better i see. i have been living a really disciplined life since i first came here. i wake up as early as 5.45 and try and go to bed by 12. and despite being drained at the end of the day i managed to do my ironing, folding my laundry and preparing for the next day. did i mention we need to read newspapers in the morning for a quiz first thing in the morning? yes well... that's life now.. and hating as i like its life now... impressive na?? :) :P its getting really late now.. and i need to head to the hostel which is a 5 min walk from the college, where i am now in the media lab.. and i have tons of chores to do.... i hope you guys are fine?? i ll try and visit blogs daily from now on.. yea this time its a promise... :) not as frequent as before though but i will try.. :) do tell me what i have been missing.. please... :) god speed... tadaaa

At Bangalore!

My last few days at Kolkata...had been really harrowing and hectic...but here i am in Bangalore now..campus is light years away from civilization...but surroundings are beautiful and serene...rooms are just like home..and with great friends as roomies; Vaidehi,Shephali, Anu, and Deepika... this place is all alien...nothing like home..but there is still a kind of comfort level..Maybe meeting friends we met online and then meeting them personally is quite a treat...so all in all yes i am homesick, missing SAMIK like hell but the place is good..Someday i hope to call IIJNM 'home'.. so this is all i can type now..as my roomies are queuing up for using the lappy...so more updates on my new life...but on my net post... btw haven’t decided if i ll be blogging or not :) so this is a smiling Phoenix signing off... :P