Scribbles

Scribbles while a guest lecturer was lecturing us on the cultural heritage of Bangalore... no offence to the Bangalorians but it did seem like they were promoting the city A LOT :D :P

Like the lofty breeze
that Saunders in, unannounced
memories visit me, and
time stops

those twinkling city lights
fading fast, as the car rushes on
those misty morning tea sessions
and those late night calls.

mothers heavenly home cooked food
and the comforts of my queen sized bed
the luxuries of home

so many relationships i have left behind
so many hearts have bled
tears of anguish and stifled sobs
is all i have left

its what i have always wanted
i repeatedly remind myself,
but memories keep coming back
making it difficult to rest.

i hunger for a glimpse of home
i thirst for his hugs
life is getting complicated
i wonder if the nightmare will end.

dreams they say come at a price
and I'm serving my time
in hope for a better tomorrow
when life will turn around


they say i will be fine
that this is just a phase
but surviving pangs of homesickness
is easier said than done.

the world swirls around me
i look around dazed
everything moves around
faster, than i can comprehend

tears will dry
time will fly
there will be a time
when my dreams will be realized

it took me 10 minutes to write this one... 4 days to finally find a pc and and another 4 days to finally finish typing... been extremely busy... :)

My new life

My room-mates: Vaidehi, Anu, Shephali and Deepika

its been a week since i left home and it already seems as if i have been living life this way for years. tears yes they came, when i was leaving home. i couldn't believe that everything i called my own was taken away from me. as the train rolled out of the platform and my mother's and niece's silhouettes was blurred as tears made it impossible to see.. soon they disappeared into oblivion and i was forced to get into the Ac compartment where i had everyone wondering the cause of the tearful farewell. thus under extreme embarrassment i swallowed my tears. it took me two nights to finally reach the city where my dreams were to be realized.

Bangalore is good. it strangely felt known as if i was made for it even though it was all new to me... i could hardly manage breathe it is really impossible to explain the varied emotions coursing through me. it was around 3pm when i first entered the campus and found my rooms. they are nice and spacious, almost like mini apartments and room mates are like pretty decent. people wonder that hostel food is like really terrible to consume but then really IIJNM is really an exception.. where else do you have four course meal with desert and friams almost every single meal and four meals a day. the amenities are simply awesome. its a tech freak's paradise. we have swipe cards for the media labs where we have a computer all to ourselves. this is the first place where i saw no manager or caretakers to overlook our work and doings.. we can walk in the campus anytime between 6am-11pm and almost at all times someone is around doing their work. its just 3 official days at college and we have had 4 assignments. its really harrowing and hectic for it seems like i am always on the run. Deadlines is the one word i really fear if not Nikhat mam. our first class in college really bowled me over, which began with an address by Ralph Framalino who is a visiting faculty from the US and he is a Pulitzer award nominee for this year. man! its so exciting and thrilling i can express. and yes the schedules are jam packed and hectic to say the least and they say the first month is smooth and slow... if this is slow i hate to see the real hectic ones...

there are so many changes in me these days and all for the better i see. i have been living a really disciplined life since i first came here. i wake up as early as 5.45 and try and go to bed by 12. and despite being drained at the end of the day i managed to do my ironing, folding my laundry and preparing for the next day. did i mention we need to read newspapers in the morning for a quiz first thing in the morning? yes well... that's life now.. and hating as i like its life now... impressive na?? :) :P its getting really late now.. and i need to head to the hostel which is a 5 min walk from the college, where i am now in the media lab.. and i have tons of chores to do.... i hope you guys are fine?? i ll try and visit blogs daily from now on.. yea this time its a promise... :) not as frequent as before though but i will try.. :) do tell me what i have been missing.. please... :) god speed... tadaaa

At Bangalore!

My last few days at Kolkata...had been really harrowing and hectic...but here i am in Bangalore now..campus is light years away from civilization...but surroundings are beautiful and serene...rooms are just like home..and with great friends as roomies; Vaidehi,Shephali, Anu, and Deepika... this place is all alien...nothing like home..but there is still a kind of comfort level..Maybe meeting friends we met online and then meeting them personally is quite a treat...so all in all yes i am homesick, missing SAMIK like hell but the place is good..Someday i hope to call IIJNM 'home'.. so this is all i can type now..as my roomies are queuing up for using the lappy...so more updates on my new life...but on my net post... btw haven’t decided if i ll be blogging or not :) so this is a smiling Phoenix signing off... :P

MY Last Post

This is my last post from home, and maybe it the last one on its own or maybe one of the last ones... but one thing is for sure.. this place no longer holds the kind of warmth, the freedom to write what i want or for the fact i don't feel the need to blog here anymore... i simply because i cant be ME here and neither can people take me for who i am.... so as i leave for Bangalore today i take a break, to contemplate what should be my future course of action.. whether i will stop blogging altogether or i will continue... no.. this is not leaving home blues, i am not sentimental... just i think this is the next obvious step. although i stop blogging i will not stop visiting your blogs and comment. i know i haven't read or commented on any of late but i will once i am a little bit more settled in life... as of now, this is Phoenix signing off...

Ashamed

Just the thing i had always feared. the reason i hated even drinking was because i was scared that drinking would make me drunk and on being drunk i would vent all my pent up emotions and cry. and my fears were realized... and i sobbed endlessly for hours altogether i guess and there was little i could do.

Today when i woke up and remembered what happened, i am ashamed for what i did and i promise the next time i will never drink, not surely to drown my emotions but i will try and be brave like i usually am. I'm not proud of what happened and i know i will never repeat it again.Ever! Promise!

Don't copy if you can't paste...

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said : "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was shocked into silence. The speaker went on to add: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause...

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink, he said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went: "Ah!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "....and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water


Moral of the story : Don't copy if you can't paste!

Sexy TAG

Saw this at PJ's blog and i couldn't resist doing it... and this one is for Pj !

1. Your secret moan Zone??
HM well.. i guess its my ears its pretty erogenous i think... [playing safe you know]

2. Dressed or undressed-when you feel the sexiest??
is there an option called semi dressed?? lol kidding... hmm i think it would have to be dressed.. because it leaves a lot on imagination.. a lil tantalizing... you don't have to be nude to feel good in your own skin

3.Most passionate book u've ever read.
I think it has to be all the Mills and Boons i have read and trust me i have read tons!!

4.A color that makes you feel wild.
Black.... hides the flaws and accentuates what you already have...:)

5.What makes a man irresistible :P
his being sensitive to a woman's need... a woman is [not all. at least me] is a lot inhibited and not that comfortable with her sexuality and needs..the guy has to gauge the comfort level of the lady and sets the pace for intimacy is what makes my man irresistible :)

6.The perfect romantic setting would be?

sitting on the beach watching the waves break on the boulders... or sitting in the car watching the dusk engulfed by the night...watching the city twinkling lights..even amidst the hustle and bustle of the city....time stops and its lovers paradise

7. Music that puts you in the mood of passion.
Instrumental... or a slow soft number...

8. Love to you is..
Someone i love and trust myself with, enough to give up my body, share my heart and bare my soul

9. Your secret obsession.
Waking up in the morning to see the one i love sleeping beside me... sleep makes a person vulnerable and without a care about the world... at such a time i want to see my guy at his total abandonment..

10. The craziest thing you've ever done to attract a guy/gal(for guys) attention.

OMG..really tough one to answer... i don't remember this one.. I'm pretty shy and I'm someone who makes the guy want to draw my attention..but if i had to draw a guys attention.. id be hot and cold.. and keep the guy guessing about my intentions...

My brand new phone

MY brand new phone Nokia 5130 Express music... yay!

I got my first ever decent phone and you cant imagine my happiness.. all my life i have used a simple colour phone with FM and now i have something that i have always pined for.. i must have had a wonderful sleep for i always held my phone in my hand...the only time i let go was when the alarm went off and a shrill voice yelled wake up :) even that seemed so melodious to me... so yeah I'm on cloud 9 :)

Happy Birthday Hannah!!

here's wishing my dearest friend Hannah a very very happy birthday... may all her dreams and desires come true... keep smiling always... with lots of love...hugziee

Too much on my platter! :(

Everyday i wake up thinking yet another day has passed and I'm getting closer and closer to leaving..my heart is heavy, i know it will not be easy but i will get used to it...no i wont rant about my 'leaving home blues' i have successfully shooed away most of my friends who don't read me anymore.. but well i totally understand.. i haven't been writing any substantiate anyway... :)

Things at my end is well.. all too chaotic.. i had thought my last few days here would be peaceful..with quality time with my blog, my family and samik...but turns out that i cant find time to write on my blog if i do get even a few minutes i cant seem to do much.and this time crunch explains why i havent been able to read and comment on your blogs..sorry!.. mom has been ignored mostly..because i am out to please her, by visiting relatives all the time.. when i am home I'm tired and sleepy so much so that my body aches in fatigue... i cant sleep..i sleep in the wee hours of the morning only to be woken up rudely to go and meet someone again...samik has been really busy too and he cant seem to find time to spend with me..and id like to believe he wont find time to talk to me..for if we want we can find time for anything....anyway.. so all in all its been really harrowing... on top of it.. my mom has taken away all my clothes to keep aside for packing...and wont give me anything to wear out to meet the scores of relatives...damn!

Btw yesterday i went to Dakhineshwar its a very holy temple in the out skirts of the city.. i had done a mannat there about my leaving kolkata getting to study what i wanted to.. well by god's grace i have been granted that... :) so i went to offer my prayers and to ask something more from them..[them because i cant understand what to refer god as her /him.. because when i am alone i refer to god as him.. and when in temple i refer to god as her.. so I'm confused...:P] anyway i seem to realize what a greedy pig i am.. every time i go i tell god give me this and i wont ask anything again and i go back to offer prayers and ask again... now even god will say 'sorry you have exceeded the number of prayers" hey bhagwaan don't do this to me please... :) i am really scared that he will stop listening to me... on a serious note.. i am not a very religious person but i somehow have faith in god.. in the darkest hour of my life.. all i could do was to think of god and pray to him..and I'm thankful that he thought me worthy of granting my wishes...and ging to a temple really calms me down and makes me so humble.. i really have understood the meaning and the power of prayers... :)

Anyway I'm almost ready to faint there... i have to meet around 4 people today.... you guys have a good day ahead... and have fun.. and keep smiling..

Final Farewell

A child prodigy, a talented musician, a "controversial" celebrity and The King of Pop.

there is so much i want to say... yet words fail me... they say death erases it all.. and it did all the blemishes that made him appear all jaded... yet he will be remembered...for the beautiful person he was.. his creative genius..and the wealth of work... he lives on in the hearts of millions where he dwells...

Time to be gay and merry.... its a breather!

I felt so GAY reading the 2ND of July Delhi High Court ruling that says consensual same sex is not a crime and this is nothing short of history.

i am heterosexual in nature and like me many are and may revel in the fact flaunting of being 'natural' and the accepted i society. but no one said that because we are born heterosexuals, other alternate sexuality is taboo are banned. i know my post will invite wrath from most homophobic males and females alike, i speak up because it is important for me to. one of my bestest buddies is from alternate sexuality and that doesn't make him any less of a friend in fact he has been a great academician, a brilliant movie maker, a store house of creativity and the only friend who has lasted from beginning to end with me. being so called "straight" it was hard on me to understand fully what exactly it meant but i learnt to understand that it is not a matter of 'choice' but it is 'natural' like it is for us.

Delhi HC rule comes late but at least it comes as a respite to all those who were weighed down under the burden of being outcast living in fear of being tagged "criminal". i don't know if there will be more and more people now coming out of the closet but i sure hope now even the minority will have a place where they belong. if you are one of those who believe that Gays and Lesbians and Transsexuals are are aliens from another planet who contaminate our normal life.. then please go get a life and find a valuable way to rot on planet earth.

The Final Bus Ride

I stood at the bus stop waiting for ST6 like i have been doing for the past three years..it was the same bus stop that i stood waiting for, in loathsome anticipation of a crowded and a harrowing journey to Kalikapur. in all these years nothing had changed... not the horrible journey where i never ever got a place to sit..being squeezed in the unholiest way in order to get off the bus to my destination...it was the same black gate that i pushed to walk through the campus to reach the lift.. the same confusion regarding the floor i need to get off..the same silly tic tack toe method to guess the number and pushing the button to signal the lift to proceed.. except this was for the last time...

Nostalgic yea and greatly saddened too.. i walked with a heavy heart to my students place to whom i was teaching for one last time... it felt pretty ironic to me. 3 years back when i first rang the bell i felt i would not even last a month, having to travel so far. but in the next 3 years everything changed... my student was all of 10 then became a friend and more so a kid sister for whom i took over from a teacher and became a virtual nanny..from shopping expeditions to visit the book fair... the bond became more than just professional. and 3 years hence it felt eerie to walk away from everything that once was an integral part of my life. initially though it had been an opportunity to keep myself engaged and to earn the an extra buck.but it soon became much more than that. the love and respect i received is far more precious to me than the amount of money i earned. and i am thankful and grateful for that.

It really was an end of an era for me. leaving Barshali's tuition has been really tough because there has been several times in the past where i had contemplated leaving her due to so many issues, be it time crunch or the dreadful journey to and fro but i never made it, but now when i was happily settled it was time to say goodbye.

like Linkin Park says [thanks Leo for sharing this]

Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple Sometimes good bye's the only way ....

Now i have to go back to those early days of college where i would depend on pocket money from dad for maintenance... and i would always have to bid goodbye to the last 2 years where i had independently brought myself up...i took care of my smallest needs from cellphone recharge, to college fees, from shopping to binging.. from buying gifts to stationary i have done it all.. and i was really proud of it... but here comes a time when i will have to be dependant on another person for survival.. and its a thing which has mixed reactions from me.... :P

New Look!!

Me before

Guess what people i got a whole new look.... i had my hair cut and have coloured it both global and streaks... and it made me one happy chick....

Me after the hair cut... please try and notice the streaks

this is how my hair looks now..>

This has to be my first where i spend almost 6 hours for tremendous sessions with streaks and global [full hair colour] i was given a shampoo which came with a head massage and i could happy go off to sleep.. then came a beautiful and funky hair cut followed up by a blow dry and setting... you must be wondering why the hell is she ranting about her hair cut and colour.. well trust me i have my reasons..firstly i have never pampered myself like this before.. i have cut my hair and all but i have never really sat in the salon for hours altogether pampering myself... and this has to be my first... secondly this is the first time i coloured my hair.... and thirdly i would have spent 9k on the the services i availed to if i had paid... but it was done to me for FREE FREE FREE!!

now you guys give me a feedback..tell me how it is! :)

Tag!

You know why i do Tags now don't you? :P yes i was bored but wanted to put up something on my blog but couldn't think of any.. so i practically ripped this tag off Ne's blog initially and then from Mayanks too :)

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss..... was passionate yet sweet :P

2. I am listening to... dhan te nan..kaminay

3. I talk... endlessly so much that my jaw hurts at the end of the day :P

4. I love... to blog

5. My best friends... are the exiler of my life

6. My first real kiss... was embarrassing, hot and extremely sweet :P *Blush* *Blush*

7. Love is... living life in the truest sense

8. Marriage is... forever

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking... separation and loneliness

10. I'll always... be a survivor in life :)

11. The last time I really cried was because... shubhankar left without a goodbye

12. My cell phone ... is indispensable to me

13. When I wake up in the morning... i try and remember what day it is and what is scheduled on that day

14. Before I go to bed... I hug and kiss my neice, and think about samik and fall asleep planning the next day

15. Right now I am thinking about... going to bed

16. Babies are... adorable.. i want at least 2 facebook says 3 and mentions the date they will be born too :P

17. I miss... my home, family and friends even before leaving home..

18. Today I... am elated.. i got a beautiful top as a farewell gift from Samik

19. Tomorrow I will be... going for a haircut and colour and that too Free! Free! Free! at A N John"s yahoo!!

20. I really want to be... a successful journalist... get a plush job and eradicate the troubles my parents have been through.... and be with Samik in life