Love,Career and Relationships

i have watched Love Aj Kal a couple of weeks back, and i have been meaning to write something regarding my perception of modern day relationships but what finally makes me write this post is not just the movie but what my prof at college had to say in our class. before i go on to my take on this whole "love,career and relationship" topic lemme assure you the prof I'm talking about is someone i really respect and admire but it is one of the things she said that got me thinking.

This professor kept on telling us in class [and she does this almost everyday] that if you have be a good journo what you need to do is, chuck your boy friends and girl friends to leave you alone for the remaining 9 months.

in love aj kal, Meera and Jai decide to call off their relationship, even though it was great and was working fine but because they had to shift to a different city and it would be inconvenient.

i am no one to pass judgements on todays youth, im no moral police... but when it comes to me i can speak for myself. i somehow find these two incidents really strange. im in a really hectic course where stress rules high, no time to spare and no personal space but even then i never fail to take time out, after i am done with my studies and work to talk to my guy or my parents or my loved ones..

my point is, life now is competitive, far more than the generation or two before. where its cut throat competition, but that does not mean one gives up human emotions and relationships in favour of a career or better life. one of the most important words in life is balance. nothing is possible without balance. a career is really not worth it if one doesn't have someone or loved one to share it with, the successes or the failures, the moments of achievement or utter dejection... in the same time I'm not in favour of an idle life with no direction.

what do you think? is career more important or love? or a mix of both? what would have been your choice and why?

Rant

I realized after writing the previous post that the anger I have within me is due to the fact that I endure what I do from people. It is not because they were just plain bad. But it was me who was unable to stand up to them and tell them “hey! Stop it right there. I won’t put up with your crap!” instead I am content to feel angry within, wishing I had stood up and voiced my opinion.

The reasons for not doing it are many, but most important one being; I didn’t want to have a fight and loose loved ones, as I have always said before, the moment I stand up for myself I loose friends. I then figured I loose friends anyway, so why endure the crap and loose them, why not just put an end to my troubles by voicing my opinions instead of opting out of a conflict? I have been overtly polite and meek and thus stuff kept happening to me. Who do these even think they are to mess up my life anyway? If these people are true friends as I think them to be, they will respect my opinions if and when I choose to voice them. And if they choose to walk away, what can I say? Maybe they weren’t really ‘real’ friends, so what would have happened, happened anyway. At least I will not have regrets or anger within me, because anger is self destructive.

Giving up something you love is the hardest thing to do; trust me I know. It was disheartening to see people ruin the thing that was after my heart, a part of my creation. The final blow was however to see, a person who meant so much do the same. One of the most important truths in life that I learn't is, No one, Absolutely No one cares for the thing you care, the way you do. But having said that, people have their strange ways, and who am I to even judge them?

On happier thoughts…
A very dear friend is going through a rough patch, his spirits are down and he is somewhat demoralized. It just makes me feel helpless, unable to bail him out. But here’s praying that he marches out of the darkness as the warrior of light. *HUGS* cheer up pal!
A big thank you to Harshita,Valencia, and Ria for being the friend in need. It meant the world to have someone who understood me.



News update on personal front-
My semesters begin sometime in the first week of December, yes I need to get down to books, and I will, promise. And I am not going to pledge falsely that I will not be frequent the blog world and study, for I have tried it the last four semesters and I was utterly unsuccessful. But I just have to forewarn that my posts may just be stray thoughts and random doodles. Just don’t abandon me... or else.. I will haunt your blogs..just kidding lol! I hope things are going good at your end… do take care…

Cheerio!

P.S- I’m not unhappy, sad, or even depressed. Instead I’m hail and hearty. I just wanted to reassertion a few things to myself, hence the post. So don’t worry. :D o! i almost forgot... thanks for the lovely comments in the post below!:P

i wish closing my eyes,

would deem my problems non-existent

alas!but it is not to be!

Paranoia

Have you ever been bothered by things that are not directly related to you? i have. and i don't find a logic to it and never can i reason myself not to feel that way.

~it bothers when i read about the riots,massacre,mass plundering and dehumanization that took place before and after the partition of India

~ it angers me to see china try and make its presence felt in Indian air water and land,space.

~ it upsets me when i hear that India has not performed well in a particular sport

~it unnerves me to think that with more power,money and fame people are becoming more greedy and the world faces a threat of being wiped out

~it scares me to think of the world my children will be born into.

~i feel terrible to think of those innocent,who lost their lives and honour in the name of religion and terror.

~it shocks me to think in 21st century man still kills in the name of religion that does not endorse violence

~it depresses me how one, for his own selfish needs sacrifices the happiness and well being of millions.

~its traumatising to see that despite being the age os reason,logic and science,where other countries are flourishing, India still fails to do much for its people.

~it makes me despiar to think the system and anti-sytem both are corrupt beyond amendments and that we are left with no choices but choose among greater and lesser evils.

~it traumatizes me to see that we are raped of our fundamental rights and we are a mere drop into a vast ocean.our existence is of hardly any significance

~it grieves me, that there may not be a tomorrow someday, that all my dreams may remain just a dream.

ABORTION

Unlike other countries, in India abortion is illegal. though there are laws which has certain sections abortion is actually permissible, that too only if the mothers life is in danger. in mumbai a recent case that has been making headlines is, about a certain Mr and Mrs mehta moving to high court to ask for permission to abort their child. what they are concerned is not the gender of the child, but that the child has been detected with a serious heart disease which is terminal.

there are many who say, that the parents are irresponsible, they don't deserveo be the parents if they are not prepared to have the baby. others say by permitting such a case people will use it to kill girl child and make infanticide legal. while others say abortion is a sin.

i too don't support abortion but in this case it is only fair. because every child wants to have a healthy life and parents too would wish the same. when this child grows up he would question his parents why they entrusted him with such a handicap life. he too would deserve a good life like other normal kids. maybe this doesn't sound fair. as if the handicap don't deserve equal opportunities but then rationally thinking wouldn't the child, rather it is just a foetus, a giant cell now; be better of without life rather than have such a burden to deal with throughout life? i mean lets think about the mother, it is not easy on her to take this decision specially this being her first child but to ensure her child and her life a better direction she is willing to do what it takes. what good will that motherhood do if she had the baby and treated it as an obligation and specially if she wouldn't be able to treat their child to the best of medication for the terminal disease which in itself is not curable? i don't know if i was the mother what i would have done, but surely if i felt i wouldn't be able to give my child my all then i wouldn't be bringing my love into this world at all, but this is hypothetical don't know if i will ever be able to do it in real life.

what do you think about this? do you think the government should allow abortions and devise a system to keep infanticide in check at the same time? do u think the mehta's are wrong?

How feasible is “what we want”?

Often the one thing that most feel, and believe and in turn advise others to do is, one should always do what one wants. Sometimes social restraints, sometimes moral restraints, or sometimes responsibilities and codes of conduct prevent us from doing so. Just like the thought, “what could have been…” is luring; similarly “follow your heart!”- The statement is something equally lethal when it comes to how misleading it could be. Many a time I have been told and I too myself have told people to follow what the heart desires… but what makes me wonder is the after effect of what we actually desire? How do we know if what we want is feasible or it is attainable or not?

She sits on the park bench isolated yet not alone. Its her thoughts that keep her company. Her life is in a mess, she needs to make those 5 year plans of her life, she needs to take decisions and move on, her family requires her and her relationship is as good as over. Caught between what her heart desires and what is expected of her, she is confused and distressed. The duel between her heart and mind never ceases. First it was whether she should leave the city for better prospect in career front leaving behind a family who needs her. Her heart wants her to pursue her dreams for she knows if not now then never, she would be reduced to a piece of furniture in due coarse of time. But it is her mind that reminds her of her duty towards her parents. People tell her to follow her heart but how can she turn away from her parents who have made her whatever she is.

Her relationship too is headed nowhere, he is never by her side to support her instead she is left all alone to deal with the troubles of time alone. Quite frequently she wonders whether or not she should be with Him, they have been dating for a long time now. They may seem perfect together but in reality they were far from it. A workaholic he rarely has time for her and when He does, by then she has already learned to live with her loneliness and has removed herself from Him. She silently suffers His indifference who knowing her plight won’t do a thing, and has said so in as many words. So she has accepted her fate and had given in to the fact that things won’t ever change. She wants to break free from Him, knowing that he will be forever indifferent to her needs and a life with him would mean a lot of compromises, feelings would have to be sacrificed and hopes and dreams mercilessly strangled. Her mind tells her she is still better off, she knows the person who she would end up with, better than marrying a complete stranger. Moreover being with Him is now almost a second skin, it would be even unthinkable to move on, leaving Him behind. Her heart tells her she needs more, a bit more of love and attention. It tells her to be with one who would return her love, who would love her like no tomorrow, to whom she‘ll be the world, yet he would respect her for what she was and more. Mind tells that nothing from dreams ever come true, they are just figments of our imagination, no-one is perfect, one should accept and embrace the imperfections and mould them into happiness. She has tried, following her heart she has tried to either get accustomed to His indifference, to understand his plight, to sacrifice her emotions; but she has failed repeatedly. Now what remains is a carcass what had been and maybe never will be.

Bowed down by the weight of problems troubling her, she knows not how to resolve the situation, instead of improving things go from bad to worse. She was tired of struggling to survive and battling against all odds and come out triumph and now all she needed is an inch of clear blue sky with no thunder clouds threatening to darken her horizon. All her heart desires is to just pack off and leave on a long long vacation. Away from anyone or anything that she is familiar with. To build her life and her dreams from the very beginning. To indulge in painting, something she had always wanted to do. To buy that house that she had dreamt of from her very childhood. To live life carefree and not look back to all those who have harmed her and left her to pick up bits and pieces of her life and compelling her to rise from her ashes… a gentle breeze ruffled her hair, causing it to fall over her eyes, she was rudely brought out from her reverie and she sighed! Only if this was possible she wondered…..

More often than not we follow what we are expected to do or do what our mind says and what we truly want takes the back seat. Among the complexities that life hurls at us, our desires are castrated and there are no tears to bleed or acknowledgement of the sad demise. We learn in due coarse of time to act as per what we have to, quite contrary to what people advice us to do. Following the tiny voice in our heart, that yells and begs us to do what the heart desires, which by then doesn’t count anymore. It is not only about how we do what we should or expected to but the biggest question that we are confronted with is, how correct are we in our desires? What if following what we really want lands us in trouble? What if it is not the right path for us and we land up messing our life up? Will it still be worth it? Will we be able to console ourselves by saying ‘ I did what I really wanted, and even if now I know it wasn’t really the correct thing to do and now I am totally screwed up; I know that I did what my heart told me to do’ ? Or do we listen to our mind and land up quite successful in life, but with this nagging thought ‘what would have happened if I had taken the chance?

What could have been...

What could have been but is not is a rather potent and dangerously tempting, luring one to unknown. Wondering about it... is momentary bliss, which can often end up not so pleasantly, and when the illusion breaks and one is forced to embrace the reality, it is anything but pleasant, rather heartbreaking..

She walks through the empty platform towards the end, waiting for the train to come, thoughts come thick and fast. She shivers as a chill runs down her spine as her mind drifts off, she suddenly remember what He had once told her, whenever you are lonely I will always be in your thoughts at least to keep you company. She smiles as a tear escapes her otherwise leak proof eye-lids. ” I’m after all not all that tough.. I took him out of my life but never away from my thoughts..” she muttered as she allowed herself to think… one night, she had woken up suddenly, must have dreamt of something, the other side of her bed seemed empty and the coldness of the expanse beside her filled her with a sudden loneliness that reduced her to immediate inconsolable tears. She gave in this time, letting the darkness masquerade the tears that had been threatening for a long time. She dint know what occurred to her that she sent Him a text expressing how lonely she felt all of a sudden with no reason at all. It was after the text was delivered that she realized what she had just done, she had almost bled inwardly yet firmly she had chosen to ignore the obvious signs of love, refusing to read more into the matter, for his and her own good; and now she had reached out to the man who had made her a woman from a girl, who had taught her to fight for the one you love and she had in turn pushed him away and now she herself reached out for Him, knowing well that she may hurt him yet again. The screen of her cell began to flicker, it was Him, He was calling her back, even after what she had done to him. He must really love me to do this for me, must hurt Him damn much, yet for me He is still right there, waiting… what if we were together….. it has been 5 years and yet she wonders.. it is ‘what could have been’… that keeps her ticking even now, when he is no more and she still walks the same streets where they used walked light years back… she had outlived him but the thought of what would have happened if only she had allowed herself keeps her regretting and it is the regret that keeps her alive….

It is always what could have been that is intriguing and captivating.. if one allows oneself to drift one can easily loose oneself…and its one of the greatest temptation one can ever have… almost like the mirage in the desert.. What one hungers for, one sees and running after it foolishly one looses whatever one has… dwelling in a supposition often ruins the present as well as for the tomorrow that is yet to dawn. Living a lifetime of regret is one colossal weight to carry but life is not always fair and ‘shit does happen’… either one should just take the plunge and just do it, freeing the spirit and the soul from shackles of moral codes of conduct or doing the right thing; one just stick to the decision one has taken come what may. Pondering over what could have been and never could be will only complicate things… life never fails to amaze me… its intricacies … course of nature.. How even though one is hurt, but it is within oneself that there lies the cure to all the wounds, how with time there is nothing that cannot be achieved or healed.. I loved this dialogue where in the movie Jab We Met, Geet [Karrena] tells Aditya [Shahid] that she loves the game called life, “main meri favourite hoon” [I am my favorite!] it’s the simplicity in Geets thoughts and spirit that kept me wondering… what if the experience of life doesn’t not manage to make us cynical probably we would be better off…. But it’s the ‘what if..’ that keeps things unfinished… what if the ‘what if’s ‘could have been eradicated from the face of the earth? “What could have been but can never be… “

Serious Thinking

The last exams finished yesterday...and now i am officially in second year...it really feels like in a blink of an eye the whole year whooshed past...we were puny first years just months back and now we are seniors..... meeting this friend of mine...being best of pals...then the dawning of the truth...and then again a new beginning...a whole new friends and a lot of fun.....this past year has been truly eventful!!!

with the new year,now comes a time to prepare ourselves to decide....just about two years to go....its time i make decisions as to what i plan to do next in life...a masters or a job....my friends will be giving their GRE or TOEFL ...they are already chalking their 7 yr plans...in this summer hols i ll make up my mind..short list the courses and institutions i want to apply and start preparing myself for the tests....many may say there is no need for such slogging so much before..but then if you are in the group i am...time whizzes past...and soon i ll realize that there is no more time left...i now have to take responsibilities for whatever i decide to do next...admission test are never easy..and to compete with the best all over the county for masters level will be tough...all the days of fun..will be there and along with it will be my preparation ...with samik gone too..i ll get more time to focus...its better to focus on something constructive than lamenting over my grief....and seeing my friends doing their bit to get ready to face the world i have found the courage to actually take notice and do the needful for a better life ahead...

Masquerade

The reactions to one of my earlier posts has compelled me to analyze and arrive at a conclusion that often people perceive that somehow i am "little miss sunshine" who is always happy and cheerful....it has triggered off several feelings deep within me...and one of it being sadness....its strange how people think you are always happy when they fail to read in between lines to come to a true conclusion....often people overlook the tear brimmed eyes...or the choked voice or even the the strained expression and think...oh! here comes the girl who is always smiling and is always happy,nothing ever goes wrong with her,aww!how i envy her...

what happens to the wealth of pain and sorrow that i drown within me to keep up a happy front to people to whom i am the pillar of strength?? ...somehow i have made putting up a front of being happy such a habit that i have forgotten to be "me"..being the responsible one,who cannot do any wrong...the dutiful and obedient,prim and proper girl..ah!just perfect.. and the one,one can turn to when in need...what happens to me? and my wants and desires...in the act of being politically correct i have lost track of my needs,somehow i have convinced myself..what is expected out of me is what i actually need...so,suddenly i find myself alone,with no one to turn to,no one to lean upon....maybe i have masqueraded long enough that i have started believing that what i put up is me but now its time people know me...i know i needn't justify myself...after all...this is my blog...i can write whatever i please.but i want to disillusion people about me and want then to know that it is far more difficult to suppress the natural feelings to keep up the positive feeling going than it is to be cynical and depressed...

the other day my senior and fellow blogger told me somehow i haven't learn't the art of putting up a facade or to dissimulate ...somehow when one reads my blog he/she feels that somehow i write to reassure myself...yeah!maybe its right...i do write to reassure myself...to engrave memories in my mind so that i never forget..so that even in times of unhappiness i know i have had better times...maybe its my defense mechanism...who cares!its the same old me...battered yet surviving...like the phoenix rising from my ashes...its my belief in positivism that keeps me going....but what saddens me is what people assume without even looking beyond the surface....