As we grow up we realize that there is something called contradictions. While you may love something, it may not be the right thing for you. Every good guy is not the perfect guy for you. That relationship which has given you a sense of completion is not the one to last you a lifetime. Morbid thoughts to many I know but think over it.
I have a beautiful set of parents who have been married blissfully for a period of 35 years. They have stuck it out through thick and thin, through those rough patches, they have fought hard, something’s with others sometimes with each other to keep the family together. Born out of immense love and a youthful romance, my parents to me are how marriages should be. I have a lot of examples of enduring marriages, some not so good ones but mostly ones that make you admire the strength two people have to keep things going for them. Donot frown upon me, I used to think being married to someone is a natural thing but now I realize otherwise. Most often we ignore the obvious; marriages are about accepting another person in your life for the most trivial things. Like while doing your own laundry you now do his too, you take into account his likes or his dislikes, if he likes to sleep on the left of the bed, you adjust and take to the right. If you are used to plugging your ipod first thing in the morning, now you sit with him with the first cup of tea. All of you who are married or had flatmates or roommates or even lived in would know what i mean.
I have nothing against marriages. I think it’s beautiful to be able to allow a person (preferably one whom you love, or someone you grow to love eventually) into your life. Trust me its not an easy proposition. I don’t have fear of my guy cheating on me because somewhere I know there are things that are beyond us, everything is not black and white, and then there is the grey areas too, and then there are things that are way beyond us, they may not be fair but that’s how it is meant to be! Other than having very strong intimacy issues which i think stems from the fact that i need to love and trust a person fully before getting married and I cannot get married because it is the right time to take the plunge.
Another reason why I think marriage is not for me is because I find it hard to allow another person to be a part of my daily existence! I have never had to share my life with anyone till date. By the time I was growing up, my sister was married and long since gone so i basically grew up like an only child. It was only when i went to hostel i realized what my actual habits were like, my likes and dislikes, what totally pisses me off. Then i stayed on my own on my own terms so I never really accommodated anyone in my life. And now with friends getting married around me, I sit back and think and I shudder at the prospect of sharing my life with anyone. I maybe stubborn, unable to adjust to another human being, I’m a cleanliness freak, an utterly clumsy person; I cannot be dominated, and I’m totally obstinate. It would be a torture for anyone to be around me and deal with me day in day out. I wonder how our parents do it and do it so seamlessly.
No I haven’t gone mad it’s just that marriage is the current favourite topic of discussion for my relatives who want me to get married early in life to avoid complicated pregnancies. Imagine, here i am whose life has not even started. I am too young to get married let alone think of having a baby and my relatives are planning my entire life for me! So much for being a family!! How do i tell them that i don’t have it in me anymore to give my all to anyone? How do i say i don’t have anything against marriage except that it is not meant for me! How do I explain that i am happy with who i am and i don’t feel the need to have a guy to complete me. Happiness and peace is within us and we need to find it to have a wholesome existence!
Its just one of those days when sleep evades me and there is a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.. churning it so bad that i feel like puking... maybe i am upset.. maybe i am just sad... maybe i am just PMSing but something is not right..
Nostalgia was a constant companion today.. memories from different phases of my life resurfaced and i was struck by the lightening speed with which time is passing by... I can still vividly remember my childhood days, playing cricket with friends on the streets, shorts, tees and skirts were the order of the day. Worries meant homework, happiness meant summer holidays, reward meant an ice cream and fun meant playing with friends..life is whole lot different now somehow. Its hard to just say things without having the fear of being misinterpreted, actions are judged on parameters of morality and acceptance and emotions are often misconstrued as indifference. There are so many veils people wear, so many different masks that it gets difficult to recognize people... As we grow older our mind gets accustomed to the people around us, ego sits in, and even the strongest of bonds between two people breaks. Nothing really surprises me anymore and i wonder if that is a good thing.. isnt it a good thing if you get upset if your friend of 18 years refuses to talk to you? isnt it right if you cry after a fight with loved one? shouldnt it matter if your entire life is falling apart right in front of you? To me somehow all this has stopped making sense...Guess sometimes life gets the better of you and you can do nothing but go with the flow... I am in one such phase..
Anyway gloom breeds more of its like if given time... so i ll end this one right here, really random post I know...sometimes bouts of insanity makes you feel a lot saner... Hope you guys are doing good? Promise will read and comment on your blogs first thing from office.. Btw this was my 650th post! :) yay me...Goodnight people.. time to hit the bed...
This is from a forward that touched my heart... you may have read it before.. but this is as much for your benefit as mine... could do with some pep talk... its just one of those days when gloom fills your heart and nothing makes sense... when going gets tough and tears fills your eyes.. this made me smile.. hope it makes you smile too..
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.” There were only a few coins in the hat.
A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were u the one who changed my sign this morning? What did u write?”
The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what u said but in a
different way.”
What he had written was: “Today is a beautiful day & I cannot see it.”
Do you think the first sign & the second sign were saying the same thing?
Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first
sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective? Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think
differently and positively. Invite the people towards good with
wisdom.
Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets.
When Life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Face your past without regret.
Handle your present with confidence.
Prepare for the future without fear.
Keep the faith and drop the fear.
Don’t believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs.
Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve.
Life is wonderful if you know how to live.
Each day is as special as you want it to be………MAKE IT GREAT
P.S- Sorry for being out of the scene.. Currently life is falling apart and its one hell of a roller coaster.. will be back with something substantial.. thanks a ton for not abandoning me... means much... :)
Since its women’s day I thought of penning my two cents on something that has been on my mind of late. You shouldn’t be reading this post a) if you are a guy b) if you are that kind of a guy who hates reading about girlie banter that revolves around cosmetics and then will proceed to make acerbic comments! And you must read this if a) you are a woman b) you are a guy and have enough maturity to read something about women and if not appreciative but be tolerant of it, it can’t be that bad can it?
So since the prelude is over now for kill. Read the following and make a mental note, and this is strictly for the ladies…
-Do you wax/shave your legs only when you have to wear a skirt, three quarters, shorts or swim wear?
-Do you tweeze or pluck your eyebrows only when its really bushy?
-Do give/ get yourself a pedicure only because of the dead skin making its presence felt?
Mark the underlined words and make a mental note of the answer.
So I had this manager of sorts, who was rather cool with her funky outlook to life. We had similar taste in music, books and we got along really well! What made her rather cooler was that a tattoo on her left breast, I thought that to be like wow! The dragon lady has some spunk but then she decided to show me the other tattoo on her ankle. She lifts her leg of her jeans to reveal the cute devil, but hey that was hardly the thing that captivated me. I was horrified to see her legs!! Those were the most horrendous legs I had ever seen!!
Holy cow! I’m not some fashion guru, God knows, I may have more fashion faux pas to my credit, than anything else. Hey who am I kidding, I started to take care of myself, indulging in some girlie frills and graces only in the last year or so. But even during my tom boyish days, I would do the basics to keep myself groomed and presentable!
My point is, we women are strange. When we have a date or we are seeing someone, we are conscious about what we wear, how we look, how we smell etc etc. We wouldn’t be caught dead with a sweaty smell or a smudged kajal (okay look who is talking here…im the queen of panda eyes :D) so what happens to us when we get into a committed relationship or say marriage? Why do we stop talking care of ourselves? Do we only do things because it is expected of us? Do we do it only to please someone we love and care about? If yes then why do we stop doing it? Reason can be anything but the important part is doing it for ourselves.
Doesn’t it feel absolutely heavenly on those days when you heat some water pour some body wash and dip your feet in and let the water soothe your muscles softening your heels, and then you just follow it up with scrubbing your toes and painting your nails. I mean it’s great to pamper oneself because we are totally worth it. Whether you are single, married or dating, living alone or with family; why forget yourself, why forget that you have a life of your own even amidst the hustle and bustle of life! So this women’s day do the things that you feel great about, buy the pair of shoes you have been longing for but have been saving instead, go get a haircut or read the book you have wanted to, paint your nails, wash your hair! Don’t lose yourself in the mundane day to day life because nothing can be worse!
Smile and the world will smile with you! : ) Happy women’s day to all you lovely ladies!!
P.S- I got myself a haircut, bought amazing earrings, pampered myself, and cooked yummy strawberry custard! Yay me..
Oh btw… do drop in your email id in the comments segment…(please please please) even those who think I know your email id… in 5 days flat this blog is going private… I promise I’ll add you up so that you can continue reading me! : )
As I key in my thoughts the Volvo speeds away towards Pune. This is one of those times when I am traveling alone and I am simply loving it. My co passenger is a sweet tempered lady, having traveled so much over a period of time I really value my co-passengers who are really easy to get along with. Having horrid co-passengers can be a pain when traveling long distances and I am not unknown to that.
As a child, I had always been apprehensive of traveling alone, half scared, of what?I am still not aware of. But of late, the unknown does not scare me anymore. But it really makes me feel nice. My first trip alone was when I had traveled from Hyderabad to Mumbai during Diwali. The other time was when I was traveling from Bangalore to Hyderabad and now to Pune. Each time I have to travel, my thoughts strays. To me, these journeys from one city to another, is a metaphor for the journey of life. We have destinations that we have to reach, we have fears and pain to overcome, for life to go on. These journeys give me enough time with myself, to actually analyze what I am thinking, to rearrange it all to fight life with renewed energies. To me these journeys are therapeutic.
As I type thoughts come thick and fast, I'm reminded of the dream I had last night. I dreamt of her, Roshni, my niece. There she was curled up to me, her face buried in my neck, like always. She murmured something about being scared of telling me to protect her and me trying to draw her close to me… the next thing I know I am lying on the floor in a pool of blood, my hands desperately feeling my lower tummy, the mound was gone, and I could hear my niece crying copiously. I woke up drenched in sweat; tears streaming down my face, I could almost see Roshni’s face swimming in front of me. I don’t know what my dream meant. But it was the first time in the past one year I had thought of her. Somehow I had always thought I had surgically removed her from me, that her existence didn’t really resonate with my soul anymore. But I had dared to think I had my life in my control. Life has a way to telling you that no matter how much you try, there will always be things that are way beyond your control.
Enough of gloomy thoughts for now, have a wonderful weekend people! I'm off to my nearest relatives’ and to some ghar ka khana… hope you guys have fun! More from my end but later…Ciao!
Thoughts are rampant. They keep me company when loneliness shrouds my very existence. I think back to the days, not long ago when I was back home. Life was so different, so serene and so uncomplicated. As years wore on, with time, life has changed and so have I. regrets? I have none. I know I have achieved all that I had set to conquer, but there are those things that I had never anticipated. Some are very good but comes with its own set of problems something I had never bargained for. Every time I walk the long road home on Friday evenings after work, I feel a gloom fill me, I have a job I like, I have everything I had dreamed of, staying away from home, doing my own thing, making a life for myself, in a city of my dreams: Bangalore. But then why do the tall buildings that I always fancied not give me any warmth, why do the whooshing cards not thrill me anymore, why does the fancy gadgets I own not keep me company? Why do I have tears pricking my eyes and eventually run down uncontrollably? Why do I just long to see the faces of loved ones? I long for just a glimpse of them, I long to just rest my head on Ma's lap and to cry uncontrollably, I long to wake up to Dad's voice telling its kachouri for breakfast and for me to run to freshen up, I long to sleep peacefully in my bed and wake up in my room, to the sun streaming through the window, like it has always been... Alas! those days are but a rarity!
A new city, a new life but I have a heart that is never at peace. Love reigns, its His thoughts that keeps me going, I know I’m headed nowhere but somehow it keeps me alive. I wonder, most often than not, how can I accept things half way? I have never been the kinds. What drives me to relish whatever I have got and not lament not getting more? Sometimes when despair strikes I wonder at the existence I have, how long will I be able to carry on the charade? Will I be able to walk away from love knowing it’s the right thing to do? Will there be a day when I wake up and not think of him, not need him, not love him anymore? Will there be someone who is meant just for me? Questions are all that I have. They make my existence now.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Its better to be alone and lonely than be with people
and still feel the same
You will never betray yourself, You will never let yourself down
Of late i am meeting all weird people who are just frustrated in life and it really unnerves me to see such people around, who are pessimistic and totally selfish about their woes and plights.
such people are not only make their lives a whole lot difficult but they channelize their negativity to others life too... Wake up people! there is more to life than wallowing in your pain and anguish.
this man complains, that he has stayed away from home, he missed home and the pujas etc. what he fails to acknowledge that at a time of recession he has a job, however less paying it may be, he supports himself and doesn't have to beg to his parents for money. instead of valuing what he has in his present he is running after what he has missed out. men are never happy with their lives.
this person tells me, "god you are leaving in July, your birthday is in September and so is the pujas..so far away from home wont you just perish just thinking how far away from home and loved ones you are?" I wanted to say "Hello uncle you don't really think i will think like you na?!" yea i will feel lost and cut off, the celebrations will be on in my hometown and id be there in a land where i wont even get to hear the drums or see the goddess let alone offer pujas, but hey i get to study my dream subject and i get to be what i want at the end of it right? then what is the hassle?
why are people never happy about life? why cant they just look for happiness in a given situation. why do we tend to look at the bad and never appreciate what is good? have we become cynics or misanthropes?
What is it with people huh? they insult and humiliate you, then they act haughty and act as if nothing has happened and you are overreacting. then as soon as they see the tide changing they assume a new form and act all coy and nice. they disregard you otherwise but when it comes to them they expect you to regard them as a normal step to normalcy! ludicrous isn't it?
Why aren't we, what we want others to be, with us?
Banish Fakes, Hypocrites and Lairs from the civilized society!!
Kolkata experienced the beginning of the monsoons with the cyclone ‘aila’ yeah right that’s precicely what most of us felt like when the news greeted us first thing in the morning. It was a destructively beautiful day, with strong gusts of wind stormed through the entire house, windows slammed and ambience was punctuated with regular breaking of glass and yells. It was an ominously exciting experience. When i went out in the late afternoon despite the warnings from Met department what i saw struck me with awe, destruction reigned, trees uprooted, people were dead and yet life seemed to go one even when the rains poured relentlessly. And how symbolic it was it reflected the storm that raged within me. Someone who loves the rain, these few days will be all that I will ever be able to experience from now on.
Preparations are on at home, with lists made and all, there is a strange finality in the air. Like ma exclaims, that she feels like she is marrying me off forever, and in a way it is so true. Once I leave chances of coming back to the city is so remote that I am rather unnerved by it all. Yes this is a dream of a lifetime, I wont back down or give it up but I know it is feat that would squeeze everything out me, it scares me. I have never stayed away from home for a long period of time and everytime I am away from familiar things I feel life go out of me. I know you will tell me it is a phase it will pass and I will settle down, and that people before me have done it and people after me will do it. I know, but it doesn’t make my ordeal any less. Even though such apprehensions reign my heart, I am a picture of poise and calm, my mind is as strong as steel.
It is funny how, when you reach a socially agreeable position in life, there are people who flock you, who appreciate you and would do anything to gain favour with you. I saw this first hand with not just my peers but with others who earlier wouldn’t care much about me. Truly all my patience and tolerance of social anomaly has paid of. There was a time when a word said by me was slighted and was never believed, but today since all my words have come true I am in vogue, the most sought after.
Is it wrong that after all the anguish I have gone through, I am happy that I want to for once live my life for myself? And give less priority to those who have slighted me before?
I surprise myself each time, with the strength I feel within me and the conviction with which I deal with him. Last few months has been especially harsh on me. I was full of bitterness and anger. I have desired acceptance, I have craved love from people who have just insulted and humiliated me and I could do nothing to put an end to it. I had just tried to be patient and bear it all up in hope for my time to come and it has. Now I don’t want to be appreciated or accepted by them, I don’t need them around anymore. In a month and half I will be far far away from them, creating a life for myself one that is befitting me and one that I deserve, with them not being around to cast a shadow of misgivings on my life. I have endured much but not anymore.
Is it wrong NOT to believe someone who repeatedly professes his feelings to you and makes tall promises but never ever fulfils them?
I don’t like to hurt anyone. It does not bring me joy if I refuse a person for anything. But I am incapable to give my all, vanquishing the ‘I’ over ‘you’ that I had always done before. I am tired of believing and then being duped. I am tired of my thoughts being repeatedly raped and my emotions being molested time and again. For once I want to think of me, my future, my happiness, to see what life has in store for me. For once I want to challenge myself to move beyond known territory and make a mark for myself. I have so much I am indebted to, my folks who are doing their utmost to ensure that my dreams become a reality, this is the least I can do for them. I owe this to myself and to the hardwork I have put in.
In a way I am thankful to this opportunity. Had this opportunity never come my way, I would have never known the wealth of feelings people have for me and just how important they too are for me. My students face dissolving into tears made me believe again that love is really one feeling that creeps into our hearts without us being aware of it. Maybe once I am gone, people who have never really understood my worth all this while will finally wake up to reality.Just the thought of leaving fills me with a fear of the unknown but I know I am not going to bow down to it, for I am destined for a greater role…
