My first Diwali away from home

My roomate Vaidehi and Me

There is always many firsts when you leave home.. these occasions either overwhelm you or leave you having the time of your life. for me it was a little of both. all of you who still read me [thank you! :)] know how paranoid i was leaving home, and everything that i called mine. here away from home i realized how dear everything that i left behind is to me, but more than that i have learnt to make a new place my own.

this is my first diwali away from mom dad and Samik, so in a way it was really painful but did i just sit and sulk? no i learnt to bring a little of everything i so loved into my new life and spread a few smiles. this diwali was unique with it came a realization and it was all a bitter sweet feeling.

Doing Rangoli

my day began getting ready for a cricket match between a mixed team of girls and guys and it was fun to say the least. with Bangalore sun scorching, burning our skin there we were sweating it out.. playing cricket brought back memories of playing cricket in my gully, it used to be so much fun minus the male chauvinism.. :) then i proceeded to learn the art of rangoli when the housekeping didi's drew beautiful rangoli's. so the entire morning went just colouring the beautiful rangoli's with the security bhaiiyas and then the better part of the day before and after lunch was spent decorating the whole hostel. the light man had come and fixed the lights for the evening. raisin was done with the puja house and fixing lights on top of the terrace.amplifires were up so was the sound system, diyas were prepared for the evening and then it was time for a quick bath and getting dressed.


it was an amazing night as i carried the try of diyas placing it at regular intervals just like i used to at home, but there wasn't dad to help me out this time. i couldn't see the lights glittering in the streets below as i looked down from my veranda. i had to blink back tears several times, and ignore the pain of not being with Samik... but i let go.. because i knew this time wouldn't ever come back again.. the people, the smiling faces, those warm wishes and glittering lights.. a life that will now last for only the next 6 months.. until i leave... i lived the life like i wouldn't ever, and i did what i wouldn't be caught doing in public;dancing.. and what a night it was! tears were never away but i wasn't prepared to let it dampen my spirits...

late at night when everyone was in bed, tired and sleepy i stole away to the terrace and looked around.. a year ago this life was unimaginable.. a year later would be surreal too.. i will be working... maybe i will be away from home... now home seems a long long way off.. a temporary respite.. i will bring my home to a place where i will be.. i will build my life again.. and hopefully i will have the house i have always hoped of living in..

hopes and dreams are the comforters of life.. it often makes the journey worthwhile and makes life so much better...

for more pics click HERE

Homeless

I came today from a trip back home. and its not a great feeling. what makes it worse is i couldn't just fit in back at home, i was sulking i wanted to get back, i was missing my roomies, my life here. and i had left at a time i had settled in but now that i went back everything got unsettled again. the life that i had to willingly detached myself from, was the same life i could never get back to when i was home. and when i was begining to just settled down i had to come back. and now when i am here i long for all that i wont get... why is it that grass is greener on the other side?

Its like i cant fit in back home anymore and neither do i belong here. its the worse feeling of the lot. i know within a few days i may settled back in here but this feeling is there to stay. how can life transform itself so fast? where do i belong now? is what i keep wondering.....

Sorry im in an exteremely bad mood now... hopefully will bounce back... :)

This is a teary phoenix signing off...

P.S-next post on my first flight journey... more on that later..

One month Anniversary

Me

Today is Independence day but that is not the only reason why this day is so significant to me. today marks one whole month of my leaving home. before you cringe, let me promise you, yes this is about leaving home but its primarily about my evolution and my journey of life in the past one month. So i wont go yapping about home and me feeling homesick.

Deepi and Vaidu

Earlier i couldn't conceive of a day when i would have to live a life away from home. i thought i would just perish just missing home. but now one month has passed, almost in a blink of an eye, and i realized that i have slipped into a life which i was probably destined to live. i think somewhere i have taken my stay here as a long long excursion maybe that's why it isn't affecting that much or maybe i keep too busy to even realize. i assure you problems are there, i do cry myself to sleep at times or i just break down whenever i try and take time alone; but pushing those moments aside its okay, I'm fine here, i do enjoy myself. i have realized unlike most i will always miss home and pine for it but there will also be millions of such moments when i will be happy, i will smile and laugh. here i have made friends or i have some very familiar faces who are now a part of my new life. a life which is what i wanted its so my type, the discipline, the punctuality with which the whole system runs. the meal times when we all gather together, laughing and talking, we often eat from others plate, we cry, we hug, we go for walks and these unknown people somewhere are like family. the bonds may not be that strong or close but these people do smile when you walk in... they ask about your health, they appreciate what you wear. its fun getting dressed for seminars and conferences, where all the girls help each other to fix their hair or make up. the guys are always at the TT board playing. we often play carom with the guards and it turns really noisy... its fun in a way. even far away from home i have made friends who care, Deepi actually woke up one night when i was sick, hearing me choke in my sleep. she got me medicines and woke me up to feed it to me... Vaidehi always locks my cupboard for me because i keep forgetting to do it... in turn i do what little i can to help them out, for better or for worse these people are my family now and it may not be great but life's good here.

Roomies: Deepi,ME,Shephu,Anu and Vaidu

Its been a month now.. i still couldn't believe it when i woke up this morning. everyone else was sleeping in.... it felt strange. i looked around me... there was Deepi and Vaidu sleeping curled up in their blankets, and i smiled its a regular sight for me now, and that reminded me at one time regular sight to me was waking up to find my niece curled up to me... thinking about her i looked at my watch it was 7.35 then i let my mind drift to a month back and i closed my eyes to recount what happened over a month back... this very day....

Samik

I can vividly remember, it was a cloudy day, my sister had already arrived to spend the day with me... and i was hurriedly getting dressed to meet Samik. we had gone to our favourite breakfast joint, and sipping tea he told me that was the last time i was drinking tea with him. even then it hadn't really sunk in that i was leaving that very day in a few hours, and i calmly smiled at him. it was later that the realization came, i kept staring at Samik, drinking in his sight, memorising how there were little wrinkles when he smiled, his forever sleepy eyes... i broke down several times in reckless sobs, but he was there strong as a stone, many times i had wondered if all his concerns about me leaving was just a formality? for he never betrayed any emotion. i understood later that he was being strong for me. it was only when i spoke to him from the station and he was leaving office that he broke down asking me if i was really leaving home and i couldn't reply only the announcements of a railway station filled the unspoken moments. it was really hard. i didn't know what i was doing. at that moment i regretted choosing such dreams that took me away from my loved ones. i didn't want it, if i could i would have dumped it all and just been by samik. but he evolved into a mature man and encouraged me to go on and fulfill my childhood dreams... he gave me hope and i knew i had to sail through this one year and rush back to be with him...


I had settled in my seat and came out to meet my folks and tears just wouldn't stop, just thinking about that day brings back more tears. as the train started pulling off i broke down... A MONTH HAS PASSED SINCE THEN.....it all seems surreal to me now.... immediately thinking about leaving home, I'm reminded of my first two days here. i remember how excited i was to walk down the slope to my hostel, pulling my suitcase behind me. i was greeted by so many people whom until then i had met only online, it was great. the next day officially all the others trooped in and those who had stayed back the day before like me, we helped the others drag their luggage and unpack. it was amazing... that night all of us roomies we stayed up huddled in two narrow beds, munching and talking about our lives, it was 3 in the morning when we stopped and realized we have been talking since 9 the last night. its funny how life changes and how we fall in place even in a new life.

Vaidu aka Vaidehi

Now my day begins with Vaidu's alarm ringing and i sit up to see Vaidu waking up too, or she comes over to wake me or vice versa.... the initial days of being prim and proper has given way to being absolutely shameless with each other, photo sessions are the order of the way [check my orkut pics... i dunno why but i cant upload pics to facebook :(] life is difficult and challenging. but i am alive and i hope someday all the goals that i had set for myself are realized and all the things that so burden me give way to a brighter tomorrow.... someday i will smile back at my life here and take forward many beautiful memories from my new life at IIJNM. someday... i will go home... :)

P.S- Wishing you all a very Happy Independence Day!

Lonely

This is going to be a long sentimental post so if you are not in a mood to read a rant or be sensitive to my woes then id warn you to keep off...

I have had a certain someone tell me that i am selfish and i think only about myself as i am too careeristic, enough not to think of anyone but me. it has been more than 2 days since i was told this and it has still not left me. yes there was hurt and immense anguish and somewhere i tried to evaluate myself. today, thankfully is the only day we don't have an assignment in college. so since i was free i tried to steal sometime alone. now if you are in a hostel that too in a secluded place there are hardly anytime alone, for where ever you go you always bump into someone or the other.


i am in Bangalore, a place where hopefully all my childhood dreams will be realized. i am miles and miles away from home. where despite feeling homesick i can never even think of home because i am reminded of the cost at which i am where i am, and i can never burden my folks with my tales of missing home...I'm loving what i am doing now...though the work pressure is immense...i often feel challenged to come up with a better story idea, to perform my best all the time... and it is not only because it has been my dream, but because there are so many responsibilities on me. my parents who have allowed me to make my dreams come true.. and my dreams comes with a hefty sum of money for which i have to be responsible..moreover if i screw up... all those people who have underestimated me wins and i cant afford that.


it is sad when people don't know and don't try and understand you. but it is even sadder when people know and say they understand when they don't. the person who told me i am selfish does not know he is talking about, despite knowing me so well. here i am scared shit of being in a city i know nothing of, at all. i try and learn my way each time i am left alone in the city trying to rack my brains for a story idea which is not only worth reporting but which will be somewhat better than the rest. the pressure of outdoing myself, to perform my given task, to be innovative and to meet deadlines is too stressful for words, there are days when we go without much sleep, and the semester has not even started and they say this is just the beginning.


Each evening as the classes end and we take a breather for a few minutes before doing our assignments i steal sometime alone in nooks and crevices of deserted part of college so that i can be alone.it is there in my own little hideout where i look out into the horizon, where the sun sets far away, the wind ruffles my hair and all i can hear is the breeze swishing past and everywhere i look, all i see is miles and miles of greenery and not a soul in sight. one who says i only think of myself and nothing else, doesn't know how hard it is to be in a new place and not having a soul she is close to. where despite being in a crowd she is lonely. where not a soul understands her nor do they try and do so. where there is hardly someone she can talk, share and be herself with. where every time one takes a spoonful of food into her mouth, tears threaten to spill with the taste and quality of food. where the beds are too narrow for comfort. where every time you open your eyes into the night, you do so because either some one's phone is ringing or some one's alarm just went off and she is sleeping through it, or someone is just going bonkers and creating a racket. he who makes such comments has always lived in the comforts of home and does not know how hard it is to share a room with five other strangers trying to adjust. he surely doesn't know how fatiguing it is to do 9am-5pm classes, then assignments and then come home do the chores and yet wake up next morning at the crack of dawn without complaining to prepare herself for the news quiz....... he surely has no idea what it feels like lying in the bed sick with no-one to talk to, no one who can take care of her, or even offer her water to drink.


I feel homesick but i am trying to adjust to keep a smile on my face, not just because this is the life i want but because i can never quit because too many people, and their happiness and future depends on what i do and not just my life. i can quit breaking down under tremendous stress but i can never do it because i have too many people pinning their hopes on me, and too many people who expect me to fail...my life is no longer just mine.. it has never been so.... its utterly painful when people don't make an attempt to read between the lines, or to hear the unspoken words. and it hurts even more when someone you love is the same one who refuses to understand you, despite the trillions of things you do for him, despite the kind of hectic life you lead..