Obituary

Often when someone does, pain and loss makes you want to carve words out of beautiful memories of the deceased. But i write at the sheer meaningless nature of 'what was'.

It began exactly 5 years ago with a phone call. it was 19 Th of January 2005. that fateful day two virtual friends consolidated their friendship over a mere phone call.. what followed was, many more phone calls over 6 months, until the final step was taken. Thus 'Relationship' as we fondly call It was born.

Birth and death are two facets of life. if you are born you are fated to die. when or how you will die is never in our hands but when 'relationship' died it was because one had become tired of trying while the other couldn't care less. So we lost our beloved 'Relationship' to a not so painful death, probably 'It' was preparing itself for the end to happen, and when it did come she surrendered without a fight.

Relationship is survived by two of "Its" extensions (though two of them don't co exist anymore) One is a healthy female given to bouts of anger, tears and normalcy with regular succession. the other is (a worthless) male who is stunned (unaware of what happened and why, as usual) He continues to see comfort in a child like way in the arms of his creator and his failings; choosing not to assume responsibility for his actions.lets just blame it on his stunted mental growth and forgive him, because forgiveness as Oscar Wilde says "Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys them so much". Moreover by forgiving we earn a ticket to heaven, or we would have had a chance encounter with him hell! *shudder* *shudder*

Good it was while the effort existed. Died with the lack of it and mental imbalance of one man. Its presence will be mourned by one who truly valued It, until the next one comes along (you didn't except me not to move on did you?! :) )

This is what Relationship would have said if It could from its grave... It would lament that undeserving individuals who are desperate to be "cool" welcome It without having basic qualifications (brains, maturity and the guts to stand up for the choices they make). I assure you, It told me this wasn't me.. Before Relationship breathed Its last... It said It wanted to live longer if only the "alpha male had been a man enough...alas!

As one of the key extensions of our late 'Relationship" i wish i could spare a word or too about my EX. However, his failures and lack of credibility has handicapped my social skills. do forgive me, i cannot rise about the injustices done to me to tell lies about a man who is not worthy to be categorized such. lairs, cheaters, manipulators and losers just do not deserve the slightest mention... i hope my shortcomings and rudeness will be forgiven, for it hardly holds water when compared to my EX. thanks in advance ( for the forgiveness of course! :))

RIP Relationship. May you never happen to those who donot value you, despite learning the lesson twice over. Peace!

Social Menace 5

I have been noticing a few things lately about people and their lack of emotions in a public sphere. i have written posts previously critiquing the society and just how people move about within social framework. but however what i encountered recently left me aghast and wondering if people at all have humanity left?

1st incident- i was traveling with my niece, we had had a long journey and we were returning from meeting one of my friends who stay in the outskirts of the city. by the time we were returning, my niece was totally fatigued ready to drop, and she complained of headache; to which i didn't pay attention as my main aim was to get her home before she actually fell sick. during the bus ride she turned pale and complained of feeling pukish, at this time i finally decided to get off with her and take her in a cab or something. as i was about to get her off the bus, she almost puked,almost.but with her hand firmly on her mouth, we got off as Samik stayed back.and what i heard from Samik about what he went through after we got off was alarming. apparently the passengers were almost up in blows because my niece while getting off the bus in a rush tripped over a lady's Saree and that dirtied her Saree. my god! as if my niece did that on purpose and she was actually doing all present a Cavour by not puking there and then on the bus, instead she waited patiently to puke once we got off. poor Samik got into a brawl of sorts which had threatened to turn nasty..damn don't people feel anymore? after all a child was sick and it wasn't as if she did that on purpose!! grrr! :X

Incident 2- I'm learning driving these days, Samik was kept in the dark about it. so today when his new car arrived i surprised him by driving a little bit, and while he was instructing me to take a turn and then get the car to halt, and i believe i did so very well but the man standing round the corner was an old man, who fumed and yelled at us for nothing, it wasn't as if i was about to hit him or anything.gawd!! i apologized to the man profusely because i thought i scared him and he turned around and started abusing me...i mean if i was at fault i apologized for it right? and even then instead of understanding, and specially disregarding the fact that I'm a girl, the man started abusing me. sheesh! i wonder if people have lost their etiquette's or the fact there is something called humanism.

Really these two incidents have made me wonder have people nowadays lost their manners or their humanity? have they stopped feeling for others? have we become so immune to the plight or problems of others??

Overwhelmed!!

I have tons to say, most things are serious, but before gettting into graver things, i'd like to apologize to Mayank, Nikhil, Anwesa and Yamini, who really thought i was leaving,if viewed from a different angle, my April Fools joke wasn't all that funny. but i found out just how much my blogger friends mean to me and vice versa and that is overwhelming.. and for those who guessed it out that i was indeed fibbing... :) well... i dont know what to say \m/ you guys are tough to fool! so in case you fell for it and thought i was leaving you for good.. wooohoohahahaa.. i'm not.. im very much here.. like they say.. quitters never win and winners never quit!

Now on to what happened today. i have never felt this overwhelmed and humbled like this before, by the end of the experience i could barely hold tears back, and i feel ungrateful and extremely selfish in life but before walking out of the place i made myself a promise, even if i can't do anything directly for the situation but i will try my best to value what i have and lead a more meaningful life.

I had an interview at an NGO today. this NGO provides education and upkeep of destitutes, orphans and mostly children of prostitutes. before you cringe and form opinions i'd entreat you to read what i have to tell you. Initially i too was very reluctant to apply and even go for the interview, because their main centre was amidst Kolkata's red light area, but on my sisters insistence and since she was supposed to accompany me i agreed. both of us walked the by lanes going deeper and deeper into a congested lane, shops lined either sides of the streets. people eyed the two of us, wondering where the two of us were heading in the locality of the ill repute. after a lot of asking, a prostitute herself helped my sister find the right lane which after several twists and turns lead us to an old house and then a narrow staircase took us up to a terrace and a grill gate on one side. we opened the gate and walked in. [till this point, i knew i would say no to the offer because traveling to that locality everyday was something i knew i could never do, but if they transferred me to their other branch, which is somewhat near home, i knew i could still do it.]
the sight that greeted us took me aback somewhat. on a carpet, lay 20-30 odd children all asleep, and the happy smiles on their face showed just how peaceful they were and happy being there. down the hall we went into the administration office where we had to wait for almost two hours till the lady in charge walked in. those two hours i met some of my sisters students, who study in the same school as the one my sister teaches in. once they woke up and noticed my sister they came running, and in moments i lost tract of my sister amidst hugs and kisses and constant chattering. as we sat there we saw what the children's routine was like, after napping they woke up to a glass of warm milk and biscuits and then after playing a while they got down to their books. they seemed like any normal kid running and playing around but it is their smiles that set them apart from any other kid, because they were the brightest and the happiest. what i heard about their backgrounds later, left me stunned, aghast and totally overwhelmed.

yes i got the job, and thankfully i will be teaching in their different branch which is situated in a better locality and it was just the thing i wanted. but when i walked out of the NGO office, what the lady in charge had to say, rang in my ears. most of the children of were brought up in the NGO was rescued from their homes in the locality, their mothers were prostitutes, most were alcoholics and subjected their children to abuse both verbal, physical and sexual. if you are shuddering already dont, more to come. i met this girl whom i so liked, her name was kajal. kajal was the eldest of the three kids,age 10 she was a surrogate mother to her younger siblings, while her mother was with clients locked up in their house she used to baby sit her siblings and was often subjected to molestation by her mothers clients and people from the locality. there was this guy, Rakesh whose mother woke up at 11 and barely managed to get him ready or get him food, and abused him badly both physically and sexually until he was rescued and incidentally he comes first in his form. Little akash aged 6 has a broken arm because of his drunken mother; all their children had one thing in common, the identity of their fathers is not known.


so much happening in their lives, so many scars that has almost taken away their innocence; but then how do they smile, how do they try harder and harder each time to be a better human being? how people like us scorn such women and their bastard children but then there are people among us who step in front and give a helping hand. what i simply loved was there were many, relatively young people who work for and towards these children, and they do so without any restraints. and these children having got a glimmer of hope in the dark alleys and glitter curtains, smell of stale sex and alcohol; they try and bring themselves up and help those who help them be a better human being. despite seeing their mothers being decked up each evening for a new man, a new client, someone who is not their father, mothers who hardly act like one instead sell themselves to sustain to survive; these children haven't lost their smiles or the hope that they too can lead a life like any other children. the optimism and the will to survive made me feel so humble and yet so ungrateful, i remembered just how i crib for the tough life i lead, studies, students, admissions, college, job etc etc but this time i knew how futile and silly my problems are, that their are greater issues in life, just because they are camourflaged in the darkest corner of the society doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

another thing that really struck me was, while we were lost and trying to find our way, my sister called out to this lady "Didi can you please direct me to Night Light?" the lady looked up startled at being addressed "Didi", she was a prostitute getting ready for the evening, she didnt react to it but the smile she gave my sister was one that was grateful and full of respect. why do we forget that these ladies are women too. why do we forget that these women are at times under compulsion to self themselves to strangers each night year after year?? why do we use the word "prostitute" as a slur to abuse someone we dislike? aren't they humans too? who gave us the right to judge them and categorize them as fallen women, and as an outcast?

As we walked out of the dingy lane, retracing our steps from where we had entered almost 3 hours earlier, we saw a bevy of beautiful ladies, young and really pretty, giggling away trying to prepare themselves for the evening, while the so called 'dignified' and 'refined' ladies walked by giving them dirty glances and the men caste their lustful eyes, eyeing them in the sleaziest way; i turned away and started walking ahead, tears brimmed my eyes and i silently brushed them aside. in the brightness of the so called civilized society exist at its core, a dark dark world, in the din of laughter and cheerful banter, agonized moans and heart wrenching cries are muted, muted by circumstances, by compulsion, by need and survival.

The thing called LOVE!?

Sometimes i wonder what is it drives people to love? they approach the object of that compelling love, risking rejection to confess his/her feelings. and then what? with time slowly love becomes a habit and soon its nothing but a charade. sounds cynical? its true.

I doubt if most people realize the kind of commitment or responsibility they are about to take up when they approach someone with their feelings. most often i see people going miles for the person they love but once they become sure of the other persons feelings they sit back and stop trying. nothing can be worse fate to this so called love when in the guise of stability habit takes over the spontaneity of love. when it comes to confessing the feelings people are too eager but when it comes to actually doing something for the relationship, most often people shy away. 'i love you' is replaced by "if you don't like me.. we can break up '.

What really vexes me is, why don't most men decide for themselves what they are getting themselves into when they decide for a relationship. okay i maybe a lil unfair here generalizing men, but hey i know there are good men around just that they are too few and unfortunately most of us girls are unlucky to have missed those genuine ones in our lives. i mean seriously, in the early courtship period, guys do everything in their capacity to impress to win love and attention from the girl, and once the target is achieved all that comes to a girl is neglect. because even if the girl gives the guy a hard time before saying a 'yes' to the relationship, but once the girl is committed she is totally loyal and dedicated, and the guys... well they stop doing anything once they get the girl they want.

love is such a sweet feeling. if you are in love with someone you want to make that special person feel loved and wanted, you want to make her feel like she is the most important one in life. you try and be there for her, stick up for her, protect her and give her not only what every girl deserves- love respect,trust and understanding; but also what she needs. you dont just take her for granted, throw attitude and expect her to keep the relationship running and do nothing to help her. if sitting back and seeing things get done something you want then why get into a relationship, if you cant be a man enough to be a good BF to her. is giving her a hard time, compelling her to kill her desires and wants from her relationship, what a girl deserves? most honest men, make a woman feel loved and wanted. they pull out the stops, to be the best man she encountered, they would make the girl feel loved not just on Valentines day but make every day a Valentines day. and yes such men exists, just that men nowadays are wimps who need girl friends to show off and care two hoots for the girl they are with. such men are wimps and total mamma's boys good-for-nothing morons, who get into a relationship for the sake of it, not knowing the true meaning of love.

If this is what love is, i wish i never knew love. because what i thought was just my problem turns out to be a mass problem, one that almost every girl in a relationship is facing.Singledom truly rocks! i wish i could go back to those days, where despite being single, i was never alone, i was in love with 'love' but never felt the need to love someone, and surely there was no heartache. truly those were the best days of my life. love is but an illusion.

P.S- DONT bombard me with are you okay's please. im fine. just plain bitter and disappointed about my experiences. nothing serious though. so please dont jump into conclusions.

WTF!!

okay this is surely a WTF! moment. i hope you guys remember i had gone for the Google interview etc? well apparently they called a few people from our class for the other interviews. damn! don't ask, most of us didn't make the cut. surprises? well kinda but then this isn't the end of the world and all that. but hey the drastic bit is the few people of our class got through, who personally some of us feel don't shouldn't even be there, among the ones chosen is one most deserving girl, a hardworking at that and a good academician. but if this is the kinda people who get through then boy! my future seems bleak. now this doesn't mean that i am excellent or most deserving but really shocking to see Bengali medium people who don't even take English as optional to make the cut and others, specially Firefly to not get through. damn this is the most disgusting thing to ever happen. the disappointment is there for sure. but more so is the WTF moment, where you are so damn pissed at fate and everything else that was unjust. god save me from plunging into pitless despair!! am i all that bad?! damn! cruel fate!