I will be gone someday...

Just when you think you have figured me,

Know at that very moment you are

Farthest from the truth.

Fool you are to think

You can fathom the depths of my soul,

Words can give you an inkling of what is

The reality lies shrouded within.

Love that teaches you to selflessly give,

Love that makes you break down time and time again.

It also empowers you to rise again..

Love will make me stronger than ever

To someday walk away…

From you, from everything that was ours,

But will the pain end?

Lofty thoughts can just make life seem bearable

But truth is what is never to be

Is there for a cause

And to serve the cause is what I intend!

The day the heart gives up

Know that, I will be gone

Yes I will be gone, someday

Without a trace

And I will usurp you of me!

None of my writings will remain

Nothing to link you to me

But memories.. but they too will be gone

Just like I will someday

And that day you will think

You know not who I have been

And you will be farthest from the truth

And the truth will always elude you.
I will be gone someday.

 Gone without a trace

Somewhere, where you will never find me...

Yes I will be gone someday

And you will never know the real me,
Or the love that i harbor within...

Mid sem Review!!

Yesterday we had mid sem reviews in college. and i got the biggest shock of my life. and i realized how true all that was spoken to me was "i needed a life" i have been too stressed about how best to get a job, how to perform great each time, how not to make mistakes, to diligently do my work; that i had forgotten to breathe to take it easy.

And that is exactly i was told among other things of course. i have this way of piling things on me. and i let the burden of responsibilities that is on me get better of me and my work suffered and it showed the stress i am putting on myself. maybe Kanchan[vise Dean] was right, i need to forgive myself, to tell myself i can make mistakes, to allow space for mistakes. yes the technical bit i need to work harder but on the whole i need to relax and take it easy without piling on.

The worse part of it all was, i had a nervous breakdown during the mid sem review, nothing could be more humiliating and embarrassing. maybe its time i have to stop being hard on myself. its time to review myself and set my priorities straight.

Lonely

This is going to be a long sentimental post so if you are not in a mood to read a rant or be sensitive to my woes then id warn you to keep off...

I have had a certain someone tell me that i am selfish and i think only about myself as i am too careeristic, enough not to think of anyone but me. it has been more than 2 days since i was told this and it has still not left me. yes there was hurt and immense anguish and somewhere i tried to evaluate myself. today, thankfully is the only day we don't have an assignment in college. so since i was free i tried to steal sometime alone. now if you are in a hostel that too in a secluded place there are hardly anytime alone, for where ever you go you always bump into someone or the other.


i am in Bangalore, a place where hopefully all my childhood dreams will be realized. i am miles and miles away from home. where despite feeling homesick i can never even think of home because i am reminded of the cost at which i am where i am, and i can never burden my folks with my tales of missing home...I'm loving what i am doing now...though the work pressure is immense...i often feel challenged to come up with a better story idea, to perform my best all the time... and it is not only because it has been my dream, but because there are so many responsibilities on me. my parents who have allowed me to make my dreams come true.. and my dreams comes with a hefty sum of money for which i have to be responsible..moreover if i screw up... all those people who have underestimated me wins and i cant afford that.


it is sad when people don't know and don't try and understand you. but it is even sadder when people know and say they understand when they don't. the person who told me i am selfish does not know he is talking about, despite knowing me so well. here i am scared shit of being in a city i know nothing of, at all. i try and learn my way each time i am left alone in the city trying to rack my brains for a story idea which is not only worth reporting but which will be somewhat better than the rest. the pressure of outdoing myself, to perform my given task, to be innovative and to meet deadlines is too stressful for words, there are days when we go without much sleep, and the semester has not even started and they say this is just the beginning.


Each evening as the classes end and we take a breather for a few minutes before doing our assignments i steal sometime alone in nooks and crevices of deserted part of college so that i can be alone.it is there in my own little hideout where i look out into the horizon, where the sun sets far away, the wind ruffles my hair and all i can hear is the breeze swishing past and everywhere i look, all i see is miles and miles of greenery and not a soul in sight. one who says i only think of myself and nothing else, doesn't know how hard it is to be in a new place and not having a soul she is close to. where despite being in a crowd she is lonely. where not a soul understands her nor do they try and do so. where there is hardly someone she can talk, share and be herself with. where every time one takes a spoonful of food into her mouth, tears threaten to spill with the taste and quality of food. where the beds are too narrow for comfort. where every time you open your eyes into the night, you do so because either some one's phone is ringing or some one's alarm just went off and she is sleeping through it, or someone is just going bonkers and creating a racket. he who makes such comments has always lived in the comforts of home and does not know how hard it is to share a room with five other strangers trying to adjust. he surely doesn't know how fatiguing it is to do 9am-5pm classes, then assignments and then come home do the chores and yet wake up next morning at the crack of dawn without complaining to prepare herself for the news quiz....... he surely has no idea what it feels like lying in the bed sick with no-one to talk to, no one who can take care of her, or even offer her water to drink.


I feel homesick but i am trying to adjust to keep a smile on my face, not just because this is the life i want but because i can never quit because too many people, and their happiness and future depends on what i do and not just my life. i can quit breaking down under tremendous stress but i can never do it because i have too many people pinning their hopes on me, and too many people who expect me to fail...my life is no longer just mine.. it has never been so.... its utterly painful when people don't make an attempt to read between the lines, or to hear the unspoken words. and it hurts even more when someone you love is the same one who refuses to understand you, despite the trillions of things you do for him, despite the kind of hectic life you lead..

Its time to say Goodbye

Tears blur my vision as i type this. i cant believe he has gone without me even getting a chance to say my goodbyes. it seemed that fate was conspiring against us, first the phone wouldn't connect, when it did he was busy, then i was supposed to call him back but then it slipped my mind, when i called the call got disconnected even before i had a chance to say goodbye. Shubankar left for MASSCOM Kottatayam today to pursue his childhood dream in Journalism, without a so much as a goodbye.

i waited...waited a long time...for this pain to subside...the pain that threatens to tear me apart..my lips are pursed but the tears are tireless...i don't know what next everything gets all the more murkier...i cant believe i wont have him around anymore..he has been so integral to me and to my life.. it was as if he was always around protecting me.. guiding me around and now with him gone.. i feel as if the life is squeezed out of me..soon it will be time when i will have to say my goodbyes too..

i know with time i will get used to him not being around... i know there will come a day when not keeping in touch on a regular basis will seem usual but at the moment life seems impossible..for as i write the train takes him further away from me.. i know Richa says friends can never part unless they want to.. but then there are times when things are not in our hands.. like even after wanting to meet him real bad we both haven't managed to meet each other in more than a month...all i remember now is seeing him for the very last time a little over a month back, as i got off the bus and him waving at me promising to meet... it never happened... maybe all this is for good, for had i known it was our last meeting it would have been even more painful.

now as i think back to us i am filled with gratefulness of having met such a beautiful person who became one of my closest friend...memories flood in and i am reminded of how despite being in a huge crowd on the first day at college we managed to sneak out time together..how that day waiting to take our electives i told him about Samik.. he was the first one to know about him...how those winter afternoons we would sit huddled under the blanket studying... the winter sun playing on our toes as we sat on the ledge of the veranda as our toes touching each other...how i will miss his deep baritone voice calling out to me every morning "Man you are looking hot!" those endless hours at the library where in between study sessions we managed ample time to just irritate each other like crazy...

i don't know what future holds.. maybe we will again sometime...maybe despite wanting we will never make it... but what matters is we will always have each other in our hearts knowing what others could never know...that there is a love much greater than that which is shared by a man and woman, a love that is defined by a powerful and meaningful word called friendship. What matters now is that both of ours dreams of becoming journalist is coming true in one way or other and we must work hard to achieve it..i know it wont be easy to not be around but we will always remain safe in each others memories until we meet again... and we will... someday..

Yahoo

Have you ever loved someone knowing you will lose him?

I don't know if this will ever make sense to you, whether you will understand the gravity of what i am writing, but to me it means a lot.

Yahoo came to our house on a two day visit. He is my dad's friends pup. he is barely a month old. He was our guest for two days until he was to be taken away. knowing all we welcomed him into our heart and our lives. Repercussions of what will happen when he leaves never once entered our minds, we loved him as our own and we received him into our lives willingly. two days passed in a blink of an eye... its been around19 hours since he left... his presence is still missed... his small pranks... his running around everywhere... his sniffing and then chewing the legs of the chairs.. his bed remains untouched..rumpled as he has left it...

We miss you Yahoo.. you came for a few days and left an imprint on our mind for years to come. i know i will never have a pup at my place but the fact that you came and fulfilled my childhood dream, means much... i so hope you have a fulfilling life ahead with your new masters and new life.. while i will always treasure these borrowed moments...