Mother's day!

Yea i remember its mothers day.. i think every dutiful child will wish their mother on such a beautiful occasion... I'm just plain handicapped when it comes to such things...its just that i feel plain awkward... i read quite a few posts on mothers day and i felt i just had to write this one.. and this is just for my ma...

Dear Ma,

you know i really do remember its mothers day. no i didn't wish you because i don't you are worth it.. but i didn't because i couldn't muster the courage to do it..but as i read scores of posts celebrating mothers day i feel ashamed... ashamed that even though i feel the love, even though i want to i cant just walk up to you.. i know its as simple as walking to you and hug you tight and whisper it to you...i just wish i wasn't this way... i wish i could make you feel on top of the world on this day...

i wish i could just get you the breakfast in bed... but i didn't do it because i didn't want you to think i am capable of doing it. i feared that you will make me do it everyday if you knew i could.. :D somethings i just love you doing it... know what?? no matter what happens i love being fed by you.. its not that I'm lazy or i just want to create more troubles for you... its just that i love it this way... no i will never ever admit it to you.. :)

i wish i could gift you something worthwhile... but i cant now... but trust me... i will someday... i will give you a comfortable life, lots of love and all that you deserve but never got...but more than which i will make you proud.. i will be someone and then you can flaunt me with your friends...

know what ma? we have these huge fights... massive ones...and it really bugs me when you cry... because all i want is for you to fight me..not because i enjoy a good fight[ yea i do..] but i want you to stand up for yourself... sometimes i feel like your mom than you as mine.. because you are just to soft hearted..you just are plain lucky you have dad as your hubby who keeps you like a some china doll.. and shields you from all hardship.. but i want you to be independent to walk away from dad's shadow and show the world you can.. because i know you can.. and i know how you hate being totally dependent on others... here's something i want to tell you.. yea we do have these serious fights.. i do tell you terrible things.. but an argument doesn't mean i hate you... it just means we have our difference of opinion...it just pains me to see you nurture the wrong notion that i don't care a bit.. i may seem stoic but I'm not... i do care.. believe me i do.. :) nope id never say these things to you ever...

you know i truly feel blessed having you as my mom... yeah i know you will probably have a heart attack if you read or if you knew this one... but i do.. trust me i have been feeling a whole lot confident about my life ahead because of you.. since the day you changed your notion about my leaving the city [ earlier: "isn't there a good college in kolkata? do you have to leave?" now: "go live your life... have the career you want.. I'm there for you.."] you have no idea just how much it means to me...with your belief on me, i know i can if i try... you are always a comfort when i make you choose fingers, trying in my silly immature ways to determine if i will actually get through the college i want...and every time you choose the wrong finger.. and i ask you "ma i will get through na? i wont have to stay here na?" you boost my confidence by saying "why not? you deserve it... you have worked hard.."

ma i wont ever say these things ever in as many words... i never will.. but i know if i did it would have made life a lot better for you.. i know you think you have two daughters who are nothing like you...who are always warring with you...all you need to do is to see beyond that strong stoic exterior... read in between my lines... look into my eyes... even though you have a rebellious daughter... who will ensure you have tears in your eyes.. who will not listen to a word you say... who will never be what you want her to be... but you have a daughter who loves you... who doesn't know how to say it...

i wish you and dad had a bit more faith on me... i wish you guys could take me for granted, and believe that id be there for you. despite being born a girl... i know society believes that girls are born to be being married and gone,one can hardly do anything for their parents but you know i am the son you never had...believe that i will never let you down.. believe that i can give up my dreams and the one person i love if only to please you.. know that for me you and dad comes first... know that even though a thing doesn't appear doesn't mean it doesn't exist.. know that i love you.. i really do....

with lots of love hugs and kisses... i hope dad wont mind will he??... now now i hope you wont spank me.. you know I'm a big perverted soul when it comes to you..i still enjoy sleeping with you on summer afternoons you know.. :P [all puns intended :D ] mom with you i know i can dare... because you are you.. my mom... and don't ever forget i was the first one to tell you what a 'smooch' was... and those demonstrations too!! :)

Here's wishing you a very happy mothers day!! may i be blessed with you as my mom forever and always.... you are my super mom... with your generous heart, kind nature.. tearful ways and you beautiful smile...

and o yeah... please come out of the cold attitude you have adopted towards me of late due to the fight we had on last Tuesday.. i have forgotten it by the way!! and I'm rather scared dad will notice and ask me why things are so stiff!! come on now... smile :) and lets kiss and make up? mwuaah... that was a smooch you know.. if you let me that is....

love you ma... just be the inspiration you are to me always.. and do keep smiling... because you look like a dragon ready to explode when you don't smile :) and that makes me feel scared... :)

your rebellious

Pupu

P.S: do read this I'm sure you will like it.. its an earlier post of mine.. i had by mistake deleted it... but somehow i managed to retrieve it... its befitting this situation.. would love it if you comment on this one.. please... sorry for the trouble

P.P.S: i dint mean to get all senti here... but when it comes to mothers one cant help it... :)

P.P.P.S: do scroll down to the previous post too please.. yea this means its two posts in a span of a few hours... blame it on exam tensions please... :)

Winters are here!!

Winter is here in Kolkata. ya ya i know Kolkata is in the plains and all that. but trust me when i say that this kinda of chill in kolkata is the first, because just when we think the winter is receding, it rains in February and then it becomes chilly for a few days and then disappears. yesterday was oh so perfect a day. foggy mornings, really really chilly, no sun all day and the cold was almost chilling to the bones of all the Kolkattans who really don't know what cold is. it was a Sunday, a perfect day to stay home, get into a blanket and chat with family and friends over coffee and pokoras.

Just imagine my luck. Instead of spending a lazy morning in bed, and then chatting with that special someone from the blanket and then plans of meeting up; i woke up yesterday with the alarm at 7 and had to wake Samik up and reminded him that we are meeting in an hour and half and then went off to do my daily chores. now dad was surprised, he wondered out aloud where i was going that early in the morning, and i couldn't really avoid it and had to tell him that it was samik's sisters birthday and we had to pick up the cake from Kookie Jar, that too half way across the city. but oye hoye! what a morning yaaar! truly... worth the embarrassment i had to face from dad. biking across the city was so much fun in the morning and this was the first time we both met up so early in the morning. it was a time to romancing, to think of nice warm and cuddly thoughts.. but no.. with our teeth clattering and our face numb we walked into this warm and yummy smelling cake shop and god! we both could pass out..


But despite being interrupted and being at his place for his sisters birthday and all we could hardly sit close and chat but then we had a perfect afternoon. we were watching TV in his room while everyone smuggled into their chosen corners for a nice nap in the afternoon, and we were huddled on the sofa of his room sharing a blanket and chatting, until the sleep and the gloomy chilly weather got better of him and he too felt sleepy. then when his folks found us, he was on his bed sleeping and i was on the sofa, must have dozed off and the family was amused to say the least!! lolz

So you think I'm having a gala time? well no i have sinus and so the headaches are here to take the life out of me. i have managed to catch a bad case of cold where i cough all day and head hurts; despite the multi layered clothing. did i ever tell you guys i hate winters??and i cant stand cold? god! I'm allergic to the C word.i wish i could hibernate until the summers!! someone wake me when the winters over or i might dies of pneumonia.

Roshni: My Niece

My first memory of my niece is stepping into the room where my sister was dressing this tiny tot. i was too shocked to react, to see my sister with a baby was something that hadn't yet registered. mother and my sister?! no way! a gurgle drew my attention to this tiniest of being on earth. hesitantly i inched closer until my sister just flopped her over into my arms. nervous and scared that i may drop her. i clung to her for my life. that day despite being nothing more than 12-13 myself i knew what it is to hold someone close to ones heart. she won me over with her cu tests of smiles and those eyes that just stared at me laughingly. that very day i gave up my savings of rs 50 to buy her a 'hit me" toy which was way taller than her and would topple her, but the way she would hug it would melt my soul.

R O S H N I was just 9 months, my sister was admitted in the hospital with a bad case of appendicitis and i was entrusted with her care.barely old enough to know my way. i did what a mother should do. put her to sleep after walking and singing to her.changed her at regular intervals, cleaning her and feeding her. she wouldnt ever go to my mother, and clung to me 24*7. nights i would be awake trying to play with her and feed her and putting her to sleep.studies was the last thing i was able to do, because while she was asleep i would be trying to rest too. she was the world to me, and i did what i did only because i knew i had all the happiness in form of the baby in my arms.


Roshni is now all of 9. tall and lanky. she wears all my clothes with elaan.and she is more a friend than niece to me. she introduces me as a "friend" and not "masi" to her classmates and proudly flaunts me. it is always me who has to get her smallest whim and fantasy fulfilled. just like she knows she is pampered she is quite scared of me as well. she is the only one i allow to handle by precious cam. we get into some bad fights as well but they don't last long because chocolates and teddies do manage to bribe her and in no time is back to her usual chirpy self. it was worth all the pain and the neat pile i spent behind getting her the bacugan toy she so wanted. last time we were in the mall i hadn't been able to get her the toy coz i wasn't carrying my card with me.. but this time i got it and my my the look on her face was well worth it.

She just makes me such happy person. she makes me wanna put all the happiness of the world at her beckoning. because she is and will always be, my darling. and love is hardly the emotion that can summarize just how precious she is to me.she is and will always be my baby.

PS-D0 drop in a comment in the post below..

This week that was

This last week of pujas was very eventful to say the least. There were a few points that really made my pujas an enriching experience. Gloom, sadness and despair were close at hand but it could never dampen my mood which with vengeance I tried to remain gloom free for this was my last pujas in Calcutta. Next year I will be miles away from hom, with probably no leave. So I was determined to have the time of my life and I did.

What struck me during the pujas was, how people, irrespective of the kind of problems they face, the kind of life they lead otherwise, try and put on their best clothes and their best spirit to enjoy and celebrate the pujas with great fanfare. There were smiles even on those millions of policemen who sacrificed their holidays to manage the ocean of people out on the streets, during the festive occasion being away from their own families who need them. Calcutta police and the Civic Police did a splendid job manning the traffic!

My mind was the seat of contradicting thoughts and emotions. I wished and prayed that this is my last puja here [so that I can pursue my dream career outside the city] and on the other hand it hurt me even to imagine that I will have to stay away from an occasion that is now an integral part of our being. Pujas are no longer just a festive occasion, it’s a hope where people want to be in their best to enjoy before the lights are being taken off, pandals are dismantled and life comes back to haunt. I am not a religious person but pujas are something that makes one out of me; the ashtami anjali, the sandhi pujo, the dakhi, boron and sindur khela...

I spent a day with samik’s folks this pujas. And it felt great. I met his jiju for the first time and he was a perfect gentleman. He immediately put me in ease. And it was worth everything to see mohor play with her dad whom she had met after months. No one could tear her away from jiju. And the whole scene was heart rending to the core. I felt welcomed and very much a part of what was a tempting possibility, but I have to hold on to my ambitions and dreams of a career, and then being a part of this dream will be a reality too.

Another great event that occurred was a high school reunion with school buddies after 5 long years. Almost everyone had changed. Everyone looked more mature and ladylike unlike what were in school.Most of us met up. Sangita, ria, priyam, Natasha, anna, sayanti, srimoyee all turned up. And the best part was that despite having several issues in school, and being adamant not to turn up and face the people whom they had issues with, my friends irrespective of what had happened before, met up and decided to have the time of our lives. It was heart wrenching to see the initial group of friends reunite as if time has not been lost. As if there were no issues and it was perfectly normal to smile and hug each other as if the next moment would prove fatal. Laughter and giggles were the order of the day along with loads of yelling and a lot of excited news of those whom we used to know. We were all sorry it had to end this way but we had to leave. With the blink of an eye almost 5 hours had gone by. Soon it was time to leave but we all promised to make this an annual event! Phew! It was an awesome day! :D

Samik and I spent quite a time together, more than what we had anticipated. But most was lost in bickering. Our first formal dinner date was good but not so memorable. But I was atleast happy that I could be with someone I love the most and what to be with because pujo is no pujo without him. So alls well that ends well.

Pictures of pujo, reunion with friends, samik’s family are all to be found in a few moments in my photoblog known as the kaleidoscope of memories. Do crop in comments telling me what you think of them. I hope you all had an enriching festive time!

Hello?God?

Can you please stop being busy and spare me a moment??? lots been happening and i think i have been rather patient. can you please hurry up? so that i can have my turn too. look i've tried to deal with my problems but now i think i need some divine intervention, you think you can help? give me a call back when free, i ll be looking forward to it.

love,
your very patient friend
R

Taking Responsibilities!

I have no idea what has gotten into me.and now i am in deep shit.last few days suddenly this new thing has possessed me and now i am in a cleaning spree..i have made lists and chosen places,cleaned wiped and totally rearranged stuff at home.not just that now i am into interior decorating MY OWN HOUSE [dad's i mean :P] dad has given his word that we ll whitewash this year and there are several changes that has to be made and i have taken them all up.mom is no longer fit enough to man the house so irritated by her comments as to how she cannot do the work and upkeep the house,i have taken the responsibility to redo it all.

i started with the kitchen.cleaned the cabinet.threw off old bottles and jars.replaced them with new and bought of 45 kilos of old news paper and with the money bought new spices container.changed the age old rags with fresh ones out of old torn bed sheets.old crockery has been replaced by new.and the junk is piled in a corner to be sold or given away. our divans [beds with space to store cloths and other items] are been cleaned too and old clothes are given away or exchanged with new utensils.table mats and table clothes are brought out.cutlery is being polished and almost truck loads of sheer rubbish is being ousted from our house.my poor mom is almost in a fit seeing her daughter ravaging through the house throwing things out and replacing old things. other plans are also being made regarding the choice of the colours being used on walls and doors and windows,fabric of curtains and their colour. and not just that the woodwork that needs to be done is being designed by me.

PHEW!this is a lot of work.something that i have never done and never allowed to.the girl who wasn't allowed in the kitchen [ i do cook at times] is now taking over;making menus and cooking breakfasts and snack and then dinner.mom has taken up the responsibility to do the lunch and the morning tea.my servant, more like a mashi[aunt,who loves me dearly] has vowed to help me,not only take care of the house from now on but also teach me my way around the kitchen and home.dad too has promised to give me the lum sum required to buy the daily needs in advance,so that i can make lists of what is required and do the needful.as if just manning the house wasn't enough,and semesters almost round the corner,my dad requires me at office.so this is what i do now days.wake up at 6.30,then a quick bath and then over tea i read my news paper.then i make breakfast for all and get prepared to go to office.then by 9 i am in office with my books spread out [its just my presence that is required.thank god for small favours! :)]its there i study till about past 2pm.dad walks in the office and i walk out straight back home.i rest and watch TV.then i make tea/ coffee and snacks for everyone and then by 6 i am back to studying...its not easy but then i am good at multi tasking..... in a way my deepest fears of not knowing house work and being rebuked by samik's mom in 5 years time,has now been quelled.so i am at peace knowing that even if in adversity i know how to manage a household.

Happy Rakhi

Yesterday was probably the best Rakhi I ever had. It is not however usual, that once relationships get severed the second time it has the durability to stand tall for future. Yesterday proved to me that if you have the sentiment and the zest to see it to the end then nothing is impossible. One step from us can change our lives. Like Shakespeare said “our doubts are traitors, it often makes us loose what we could have achieved, by fearing to attempt.” Something very similar happened to me. My brother’s family and mine were having some issues way back from our childhood, and we were denied each other for over a decade. Then one day a miracle happened, our families came together once again only to split! This time none of us were kids yet I guess we both didn’t know what to do, when family pressures weighed down. Then one day unable to take it anymore I messaged him and he replied. Together we decided not to let the issues of our parents come in between us. We are individuals capable of taking out of decisions.

Unlike last year when we celebrated Rakhi, in the presence of parents and that too after ages of being apart. This Rakhi was celebrated secretively, away from home, lest our parents came to know. But all it mattered to him and me was, each others company. We were meeting after ages, despite living in the same house. Our talks seemed to be endless, as we caught up with the recent happenings of the recent past. All misgivings were forgiven and forgotten. The walk was pleasant and extremely companionable, brought back memories of old times and loads of happiness and it seemed that life had come a full circle. Had I not given up my ego and spoken to my bro, I would probably still tie rakhis to my other friends but not to the wrist which mattered most to me. In months I am truly happy knowing that there is still one person who loves me to death, even though he may not show it to me. To me, my bro is the best brother in the world..love you loads Dada

the story of my birth and my MOM

today was one of those rare days....when my mom and i shared a heart felt talk....one must be wondering...weird!mother and daughter are meant to be close whats so special about a mother-daughter talk...but my mom and me aren't every close,we share a very cordial and a hate relationship...basically i have been closer to my dad than mom,and several attempts of her's to discipline me has all gone in vain and it is with her i had major fights that just fell short of blows!:D

i had always half suspected my mom to be partial to my sister...no matter how wrong she was..despite being the black sheep of the family...no matter what i did i fell short in her eyes...and to speak honestly i didn't ever matter because my father was the one,whose opinion and appreciation mattered most to me,always...we [my mom and me]co-existed in mutual ignorance...but of late i have noticed her valuing me for what i am...probably she has realized that she has a 19 year old daughter who is on the verge of leaving home for first,studies in about two years and then in time to take her place with the man of her life....

this afternoon as we chatted about my nervousness about the course my life is taking...the job i want to do...further studies and then my being with samik....she then narrated to me the story of my birth....soon we were chatting away...how she was told by my father that she would bear him a son[who thought my mother wanted a son,which wasn't actually so,and to comfort her he told her that the doc had told him that indeed he would have a son],how much of an ordeal it was for her to be pregnant with me and taking care of my sister,who then was quite young then managing the house with no one from my father's side to help her out....the agony of labour she endured whole night until it was morning,so that she could wake my father...to see her mother[my dida/grandmother] bed ridden due to stroke..who in turn could not be there when i was born...how my dad dropped her off in the nursing home and had serious business to attend...those lonely hours she spent all afternoon,evening and then night until i was born at 5.10am in the morning...almost 27 hours of being in labour....and the tears that she shed seeing me and feeling hurt that my father had lied to her regarding me...elated as she was to have a girl she couldn't get over the fact that my father actually lied regarding the sex of the child..her second born

hearing her narrate the gory details of my birth....suddenly i saw her in a new light...all these of growing up..i practically hated her...being a rebellious tom boy..i have broken her heart...refusing to go to concerts that she held close to her heart...ignoring the tears running down her face because i said things tad bit rudely..i have never given her anything on mother's day nor did i wish her...never did i even mention that she meant anything to me....but now...hearing and almost feeling the pain she went through to just have me,with no one by her side..she she was alone she let me be alone...she had me despite the ordeal she went through...has melted me...i have understood her better...maybe i ll never hold a candle to her first born..the child born out of her youthful courtship and first love...but i know ll still be me...her daughter....the person through whom her dreams will come true...i too will remain close to her...for it never happens that a mother never loves her child....late as it maybe i have realized it...

this is my shy and embarrassed way to express just how much i value my mom for being there in my life...if you hadn't been there i wouldn't have been alive.

thank you ma
love you loads

To Dada,With Love....

the one thing that i had longed for,all my life was that of a brother....how i would envy my friends and my mother[she has 3 brothers]..those days when i was almost moved to tears because i had no one to fast for on bhai phota..or tie a rakhi on...how my heart wrenched just seeing my cousin,knowing of his existence aware of him being around and yet not having anything to do with him;for our families were having a feud and i was denied my brother....then again fate took pity on me...she made things go back to what it was before....and i was the happiest girl alive,i had my brother.....the whole experience of finally having my brother made me feel scared...scared that i may loose him...there was this ethereal feel to it..as if i half expected this dream to end abruptly only leaving more heartbroken than before...months turned in a year...and finally i believed that my brother and me will never be separated on mere family feuds...we had forged a bond beyond anything that our families could cut off....but fate must have smiled cruelly at my delirious happiness..for my bliss was not to last for this lifetime....another issue drove a wench between our families...and here i am at crossroads.....oneside is my family and the other my beloved brother...i cannot choose between the two..and i am not compelled to....i would have been blissfully happy thinking that my bond with my bro was an undying one but i was wrong...who am i fighting for?its like fighting a losing battle....i don't know if this is just an illusion or not....if my brother is reluctant to keep up his side of this relationship i wouldn't know what to do....i don't know if i would be able to survive this loss.....

there have been countless moments of fun and laughter...and not once did we speak of our feeling for each other..we never expression or talked about what we want to do if a situation like this arose....and now when this seems like a dead end,there is nothing left to do....just only a hope that despite the issues our relationship remains intact....and if even if that is a tough task then at least to keep alive the memories of our happy times and to hear the unspoken words that express just how much i love him and just how invaluable he is to me....to me he will always be the coolest bro,my best friend and my confidant and guide....a person who is just indispensable to me,a person i cant live without but i would if that kept him happy...those days when he patiently heard me rambling my problems,giving me advice...pulling my leg...trying to anger me...all those times when i hid the fact that he was smoking or him letting me take a puff on the eve of my 19th birthday,just to show he knows that i have grown up...those conversations on the stairs...and puchka treats and those long walks....will always remain precious to me...and it is the memory that i steal...i may not have my brother around...but i ll have his memories to last me a lifetime...this last year with him was the best ever....

in life if ever you feel you need me you ll have this sister to fall back upon...make no mistake of that..i ll never scorn you...you are and you ll always be my coolest,sweetest and dumbest brother ever...love you loads dada,i ll always miss you.

My Big Brother

i am down with fever for the last few days...its been really terrible...what with the cold,the cough and the fever....i was too weak to even get up to check my mail or blog....just that having nothing to do drove me mad...i have had bad days but yesterday was the worst...i had nothing to do all day except watching television.....what with the TV as my only companion i thought of going over to my brothers place just to spend sometime with him...he was tiried and beat froma whole week of office and was relaxing...despite me gate crashing he was caring and very understanding.....to my amazement i saw my bro in a whole new avatar...something like never before...my brother was genuinely affectionate extremely caring...well this maybe sounding weird but if you know the whole it..it actually isn't...my brother doesn't believe in displaying emotions..[runs in the family i believe] my bro is a very conservative man in his own rights...he will never take my responsibility even if he is paid to...for which we have had many clashes..where he wouldn't just take me out somewhere or let me have something i want to have....but truly to speak he is the closest to me, along with samik...to him i confide all....whether it is my problems with samik.or college...anything and everything under the sun.....yesterday his caring nature just came out when he ever so thoughtfully and in a caring way massaged my head as it was aching pretty badly due to the cold...he even wrapped me in his blanket and told me things to do and not to, to get well soon....truly this thoughtful gesture of my brother touched me like never before...i saw a whole new side of him and its reassuring to know that i have the best brother in the whole wide world....