Mid sem Review!!

Yesterday we had mid sem reviews in college. and i got the biggest shock of my life. and i realized how true all that was spoken to me was "i needed a life" i have been too stressed about how best to get a job, how to perform great each time, how not to make mistakes, to diligently do my work; that i had forgotten to breathe to take it easy.

And that is exactly i was told among other things of course. i have this way of piling things on me. and i let the burden of responsibilities that is on me get better of me and my work suffered and it showed the stress i am putting on myself. maybe Kanchan[vise Dean] was right, i need to forgive myself, to tell myself i can make mistakes, to allow space for mistakes. yes the technical bit i need to work harder but on the whole i need to relax and take it easy without piling on.

The worse part of it all was, i had a nervous breakdown during the mid sem review, nothing could be more humiliating and embarrassing. maybe its time i have to stop being hard on myself. its time to review myself and set my priorities straight.

Ashamed

Just the thing i had always feared. the reason i hated even drinking was because i was scared that drinking would make me drunk and on being drunk i would vent all my pent up emotions and cry. and my fears were realized... and i sobbed endlessly for hours altogether i guess and there was little i could do.

Today when i woke up and remembered what happened, i am ashamed for what i did and i promise the next time i will never drink, not surely to drown my emotions but i will try and be brave like i usually am. I'm not proud of what happened and i know i will never repeat it again.Ever! Promise!

Happy Birthday Roshni

Dear Roshni,

I cant believe it has been 10 years since the day Di first lowered you into my arms. i still remember the day, hardly old enough myself, awkward i struggled to hold you right, with mom dad and everyone else instructing me what to do. i still remember how an operation of Di denied you your mother presence. it was very hard on me but i learnt. i learnt to wake up from the deepest slumber to make you the milk, i learnt to sleep light, i learnt to bathe, feed and put you to sleep and i don't regret any moment.

I may sound all ancient here... but then hell i cant believe how fast you have just grown up. it seems all a miracle to me now..

The past 5 months are my moments of bliss when i got a large chunk of quality time with you. now i cant even imagine going to bed and not hugging you tight, i cant imagine not waking up with you around. 10 years... okay this still hasn't sunk in...

'You mean the world to me.. or you are my world' is hardly enough to sum up the wealth of feelings i harbour for you.. even though i may not have been your mother... but to me you will be my baby always...

Times ahead will be tough sweetheart, maybe i wont be around... but don't mess up life based on emotions..learn to carve a niche for yourself against all odds remember in the end there will always be a reward waiting for you, for the hard work you put in.. remember that you have an aunt who has you on her mind always.. that she will be there for you always....

Here's wishing you a very happy 10Th birthday.. may you grow up to be a fine lady... and make us all very proud of you... dream high and persevere to make them your reality....

With lots of love and luck

*hugs*

Pupu

Yahoo

Have you ever loved someone knowing you will lose him?

I don't know if this will ever make sense to you, whether you will understand the gravity of what i am writing, but to me it means a lot.

Yahoo came to our house on a two day visit. He is my dad's friends pup. he is barely a month old. He was our guest for two days until he was to be taken away. knowing all we welcomed him into our heart and our lives. Repercussions of what will happen when he leaves never once entered our minds, we loved him as our own and we received him into our lives willingly. two days passed in a blink of an eye... its been around19 hours since he left... his presence is still missed... his small pranks... his running around everywhere... his sniffing and then chewing the legs of the chairs.. his bed remains untouched..rumpled as he has left it...

We miss you Yahoo.. you came for a few days and left an imprint on our mind for years to come. i know i will never have a pup at my place but the fact that you came and fulfilled my childhood dream, means much... i so hope you have a fulfilling life ahead with your new masters and new life.. while i will always treasure these borrowed moments...

Fleeting Emotions...

The past two weeks have been really rough on me... with hordes of entrances... and semesters knocking at my door.. i have hardly slept for 10 hours in the last 72 hours.. i didnt have the time to even breath let alone to heave a sigh....yea i know you couldn't guess with the regular flow of posts and all.. :) but that's how i am.. i blog like crazy when all i should be doing is study.. like i should now.. ya i have one more test to go.. that is tomorrow :) now now don't get angry... i will make it all in good time..trust me...blogging is therapeutic for me...yes i have an accute case 'blog-o-mania" :)

As i type this I'm caressed by the cool breeze that whisper of the storm that is soon to follow...i feel a lot empty inside...my niece has gone back home or the next few days to be with her parents and here i am feeling a lot lost.. i don't know which one is better..cribbing that she practically sleeps all over me ensuring that i have a eventful night battling her kicks and snuggles.. or miss the warmest of hugs i get before i finally succumb to sleep.. since she came to live with me with measles life is no longer the same...my room has been taken over..even my cupboards captured but strangely today almost 4 months to the date..i feel so accomplished and so peaceful.. because with her mere presence Roshni [my niece] just calms me down and fills colour to my life... inventing a new name everyday, or scurrying home, or surprising her with little somethings every time i return home, to those delightful melting moments when delighted by the money i give her she runs to the shop near by for her favourite ice-cream to those sneaky chocolate sessions... these now seems such an integral part of my life.. i wonder what i am to do if i am to leave the city.. or how she is going to survive once i am gone.. :) kids are such  darlings i tell you.. to have such darlings I'm ready to overcome my phobia about giving birth it really is worth it...

ICSE results were declared today and my student fared really well and i feel so proud of her. We started of being teacher and student but at the end of an year I'm her mentor and then her friend. Knowing the mental conditions she was going through from almost every quarter of life, its a miracle she did so well.. and i am one happy teacher.. it feels great finally to see something you gave life to become successful it is one hell of a accomplished feeling... Congratulations Sushmita!! here's to newer shores and broader horizons!! Cheers!! :)

I have been having pretty harrowing time.. with a range of emotions changing with rapid succession.. fear, anger,depression,hope,anger, happiness and despair and hope again..not it is not just PMS but life for sure...i feel i have aged manifold in the month..i could have broken down in despair and given up the fight but i choose not to, i took risks.. i did whatever i could to nurse my dream and see it to completion... the rest.. is on God and what he wants to fashion my life...but whatever it is.. i am ready...i am ready to give it my best, to dare to dream, to achieve and face the verdict whatever it maybe... 

After more than a year of despair... there is a glimmer of hope...prayers maybe answered..labour may just be rewarded... *keeping my finger crossed*  may peace and prosperity be restored, may the good times come, and are here to stay..

the storm clouds seems to have been blown away... literally soo.. :( so this is to be a rain-less night! sigh! damn! yes now i must get back to my books... tadaaa :)

Mother's day!

Yea i remember its mothers day.. i think every dutiful child will wish their mother on such a beautiful occasion... I'm just plain handicapped when it comes to such things...its just that i feel plain awkward... i read quite a few posts on mothers day and i felt i just had to write this one.. and this is just for my ma...

Dear Ma,

you know i really do remember its mothers day. no i didn't wish you because i don't you are worth it.. but i didn't because i couldn't muster the courage to do it..but as i read scores of posts celebrating mothers day i feel ashamed... ashamed that even though i feel the love, even though i want to i cant just walk up to you.. i know its as simple as walking to you and hug you tight and whisper it to you...i just wish i wasn't this way... i wish i could make you feel on top of the world on this day...

i wish i could just get you the breakfast in bed... but i didn't do it because i didn't want you to think i am capable of doing it. i feared that you will make me do it everyday if you knew i could.. :D somethings i just love you doing it... know what?? no matter what happens i love being fed by you.. its not that I'm lazy or i just want to create more troubles for you... its just that i love it this way... no i will never ever admit it to you.. :)

i wish i could gift you something worthwhile... but i cant now... but trust me... i will someday... i will give you a comfortable life, lots of love and all that you deserve but never got...but more than which i will make you proud.. i will be someone and then you can flaunt me with your friends...

know what ma? we have these huge fights... massive ones...and it really bugs me when you cry... because all i want is for you to fight me..not because i enjoy a good fight[ yea i do..] but i want you to stand up for yourself... sometimes i feel like your mom than you as mine.. because you are just to soft hearted..you just are plain lucky you have dad as your hubby who keeps you like a some china doll.. and shields you from all hardship.. but i want you to be independent to walk away from dad's shadow and show the world you can.. because i know you can.. and i know how you hate being totally dependent on others... here's something i want to tell you.. yea we do have these serious fights.. i do tell you terrible things.. but an argument doesn't mean i hate you... it just means we have our difference of opinion...it just pains me to see you nurture the wrong notion that i don't care a bit.. i may seem stoic but I'm not... i do care.. believe me i do.. :) nope id never say these things to you ever...

you know i truly feel blessed having you as my mom... yeah i know you will probably have a heart attack if you read or if you knew this one... but i do.. trust me i have been feeling a whole lot confident about my life ahead because of you.. since the day you changed your notion about my leaving the city [ earlier: "isn't there a good college in kolkata? do you have to leave?" now: "go live your life... have the career you want.. I'm there for you.."] you have no idea just how much it means to me...with your belief on me, i know i can if i try... you are always a comfort when i make you choose fingers, trying in my silly immature ways to determine if i will actually get through the college i want...and every time you choose the wrong finger.. and i ask you "ma i will get through na? i wont have to stay here na?" you boost my confidence by saying "why not? you deserve it... you have worked hard.."

ma i wont ever say these things ever in as many words... i never will.. but i know if i did it would have made life a lot better for you.. i know you think you have two daughters who are nothing like you...who are always warring with you...all you need to do is to see beyond that strong stoic exterior... read in between my lines... look into my eyes... even though you have a rebellious daughter... who will ensure you have tears in your eyes.. who will not listen to a word you say... who will never be what you want her to be... but you have a daughter who loves you... who doesn't know how to say it...

i wish you and dad had a bit more faith on me... i wish you guys could take me for granted, and believe that id be there for you. despite being born a girl... i know society believes that girls are born to be being married and gone,one can hardly do anything for their parents but you know i am the son you never had...believe that i will never let you down.. believe that i can give up my dreams and the one person i love if only to please you.. know that for me you and dad comes first... know that even though a thing doesn't appear doesn't mean it doesn't exist.. know that i love you.. i really do....

with lots of love hugs and kisses... i hope dad wont mind will he??... now now i hope you wont spank me.. you know I'm a big perverted soul when it comes to you..i still enjoy sleeping with you on summer afternoons you know.. :P [all puns intended :D ] mom with you i know i can dare... because you are you.. my mom... and don't ever forget i was the first one to tell you what a 'smooch' was... and those demonstrations too!! :)

Here's wishing you a very happy mothers day!! may i be blessed with you as my mom forever and always.... you are my super mom... with your generous heart, kind nature.. tearful ways and you beautiful smile...

and o yeah... please come out of the cold attitude you have adopted towards me of late due to the fight we had on last Tuesday.. i have forgotten it by the way!! and I'm rather scared dad will notice and ask me why things are so stiff!! come on now... smile :) and lets kiss and make up? mwuaah... that was a smooch you know.. if you let me that is....

love you ma... just be the inspiration you are to me always.. and do keep smiling... because you look like a dragon ready to explode when you don't smile :) and that makes me feel scared... :)

your rebellious

Pupu

P.S: do read this I'm sure you will like it.. its an earlier post of mine.. i had by mistake deleted it... but somehow i managed to retrieve it... its befitting this situation.. would love it if you comment on this one.. please... sorry for the trouble

P.P.S: i dint mean to get all senti here... but when it comes to mothers one cant help it... :)

P.P.P.S: do scroll down to the previous post too please.. yea this means its two posts in a span of a few hours... blame it on exam tensions please... :)