Its time to say Goodbye

Tears blur my vision as i type this. i cant believe he has gone without me even getting a chance to say my goodbyes. it seemed that fate was conspiring against us, first the phone wouldn't connect, when it did he was busy, then i was supposed to call him back but then it slipped my mind, when i called the call got disconnected even before i had a chance to say goodbye. Shubankar left for MASSCOM Kottatayam today to pursue his childhood dream in Journalism, without a so much as a goodbye.

i waited...waited a long time...for this pain to subside...the pain that threatens to tear me apart..my lips are pursed but the tears are tireless...i don't know what next everything gets all the more murkier...i cant believe i wont have him around anymore..he has been so integral to me and to my life.. it was as if he was always around protecting me.. guiding me around and now with him gone.. i feel as if the life is squeezed out of me..soon it will be time when i will have to say my goodbyes too..

i know with time i will get used to him not being around... i know there will come a day when not keeping in touch on a regular basis will seem usual but at the moment life seems impossible..for as i write the train takes him further away from me.. i know Richa says friends can never part unless they want to.. but then there are times when things are not in our hands.. like even after wanting to meet him real bad we both haven't managed to meet each other in more than a month...all i remember now is seeing him for the very last time a little over a month back, as i got off the bus and him waving at me promising to meet... it never happened... maybe all this is for good, for had i known it was our last meeting it would have been even more painful.

now as i think back to us i am filled with gratefulness of having met such a beautiful person who became one of my closest friend...memories flood in and i am reminded of how despite being in a huge crowd on the first day at college we managed to sneak out time together..how that day waiting to take our electives i told him about Samik.. he was the first one to know about him...how those winter afternoons we would sit huddled under the blanket studying... the winter sun playing on our toes as we sat on the ledge of the veranda as our toes touching each other...how i will miss his deep baritone voice calling out to me every morning "Man you are looking hot!" those endless hours at the library where in between study sessions we managed ample time to just irritate each other like crazy...

i don't know what future holds.. maybe we will again sometime...maybe despite wanting we will never make it... but what matters is we will always have each other in our hearts knowing what others could never know...that there is a love much greater than that which is shared by a man and woman, a love that is defined by a powerful and meaningful word called friendship. What matters now is that both of ours dreams of becoming journalist is coming true in one way or other and we must work hard to achieve it..i know it wont be easy to not be around but we will always remain safe in each others memories until we meet again... and we will... someday..

Emosonal Attyachar

What would most of us have done if Anurag Kashyap had'nt made the movie Dev.D? we would have lost of out on a nice catch line to express the emotional torture we have to bear, but of course in a semi desi way. OK that was the worse Pj of the century. but honestly, i know the term "emosonal attyachar" is now almost a cliche but then it is an apt expression to the hell I've been going through of late.

My college ends on 21st of April then i have 2 weeks of study leave, during which and after which i have not only my semesters [graduation exams] but also entrance exams to various colleges. As if having Tamil again after 3 semesters [i have forgotten almost all of what i had learnt previously] in our course was difficult to cope up with, we have study pressure to maintain our grades and GPA, and SGPA [don't you dare ask me the full forms.. okay i don't know myself! :X] and the entrances. the least thing i need is people emotionally blackmailing me and instead of encouraging me they discourage me and add to tension and fear i already have regarding my performance.

Everyone i know offers me free advice and career counselling... you know na that ghisa pitta dialogue.. akeli ladki khuli hue tijori ki tarah hai and all that jazz??!! its the same old thing.. why don't you pursue your PG here? what will you do anyway.. all you need is a masters degree in your kitty for that why do you have to waste so much money studying out of the city etc etc. Yes i know studying outside the city wont be a piece of cake, i know i have a lot of emotional baggage myself, for i just cant stay away from anything or anyone familiar, least of all without my niece or samik but if I'm willing to battle it out, because this is the last chance i will ever get to study what i want and to pursue my dream career and should'nt my loved ones try and encourage me at least? but no! they can just sit back and pass their judgements.. come on losers get a life!! I'm not born to stay in my well and turn out to be a typical housewife. be careful for what you wish for.. if i ever have to stay back, then trust me, i will suck so bad at the things you expect out of me, that you will wish you never wished me to stay in the first place. so look out!! or better still wish me luck and let me go...

Uncle. sister, niece, relatives and friends..all are the perpetrators of the torture im going through.. and the list could go on but what's really tough is to explain to my mother, its frustrating and irritating, not because of the generation gap but because despite being a woman herself she refuses to see things that a woman goes through. a woman's life is not limitless like the sky, and specially one who is committed. she does not have the liberties as much as a guy can enjoy, so if she must fulfill her dreams and ambitions she must do it before she is tied down in life and before the time runs out, because her options are lesser as compared to men. Is it so difficult for people who are near and dear to me, to let me go, for my happiness and betterment? all i ask is 2-3 years after which i know i will be tied down with responsibilities, till then, spare me the emosanal attyachar and wish me luck, because i know i deserve better than the hogwash i have been served lately.hmmph!!

Knock Knock!!

Hey you there??

Are you listening?!

God!! Hello..............

Uff!! really!! this is height!

Really where the hell are you?

What? busy? yet again?

Can't you spare a moment for me?

here now see... you can find time if you want to,

now don't play a spoil port... yea, i know you are there, listening...

Yes, yes, I'm here to crib again and to say sorry.for what?well remember the last time i reached out to you? well I'm sorry. i didn't know what i was saying then. if i thought i was having a bad time then, then now,is the worst of the lot. now if you heard what had i had said the last time, you should have acted on it.but there, but i guess your government in heaven are malfunctioning again because my plight hasn't been fixed yet! yes yes you heard it right. it hasn't! do wake up! enough now! I'm tired and extremely angry. you don't want me to silly childish stuff... now do you?Na i guess not.so speed up your delivery and respite systems and clear my hurdles. its really high time now!see it wont be really good if i get down to business you see, can get ugly. so id rather try the good way. but if you are hell bent on throwing one hurdle after another, and that too at people like me,really there are major cause for concern. so if you really want to be in my good books, flex your muscles, try some tricks and get things done. then na people will say..ailaah! Bhagwaan kya cheez hai re..uske ghar mein der hai par andher nahi [there may be delays but never denials]chal chal enough of nautanki..get to business and resolve my problems... or else...

I Hate Being Me!!

Granted that we should be optimistic and stay cheerful. granted that we should look beyond unhappiness and frustrations. but a person has her/his weak moments. and i guess every person should have their space to rant, let out anger and unhappiness, these are human failings and even i have an access to them.

Sometimes i feel that god has been really partial. he has given some, abundance of most good qualities and some he has given below average attributes.most will comfort me when i say I'm so flawed, but we all have flaws and all . i know i am not. i wish i had great hair.. OK not so great but good hair, thick and shiny. i wish i did have so blunt features. i have no qualms with my complexion being wheatish but then it is wheatish na not perfect and flawless. i don't have my athletic built anymore, love handles keeps reminding me of their existence. I'm not tall too. damn! i hate myself. i wonder why i lack motivation to do anything about myself. all my life I've been careless about myself, i have roamed carefree not caring about the sun burning my skin or the dust wrecking my long hair, which remained untied and un-brushed.maybe its because i never loved myself, never took pride in myself, never went the extra mile to take care of my appearance, maybe its because mom always discouraged me and made me feel bad about myself. i don't know maybe its just me.

i wonder why even after being dissatisfied and recognizing my flaws i can never have the motivation enough to see things through sustainably. its damn frustrating and irritating and i just don't know what to do about myself.

all you people whom i have bored, who are utterly disgusted to read this repelling post, i wont apologize, a girl has her frustrations and insecurities. and don't you dare tell me "its okay you will get better!" or "we all have our flaws!" or even "this is a phase, it too shall pass!!" because we all have these insecurities and frustrations some masquerade it and some very silly and dumb people like me choose to talk about it, hereby making it public!!!!

Don't ask me why this sudden moronic outburst, blame it on my PMS or the fact that i know I'm putting on weight despite checking my food and exercise. its really damn frustrating to choose L or XL clothes[ i tend to wear loose clothes anyway] damn! i cant pick out anything randomly without worrying if it will fit me or it will reveal all the things i don't want it to. uff!! I'm just too bugged and cranky i guess.. damn this new year!! nothing is going my way!!!!

911

Hello? God? you there??.... i need help here... :(