Mother's day!

Yea i remember its mothers day.. i think every dutiful child will wish their mother on such a beautiful occasion... I'm just plain handicapped when it comes to such things...its just that i feel plain awkward... i read quite a few posts on mothers day and i felt i just had to write this one.. and this is just for my ma...

Dear Ma,

you know i really do remember its mothers day. no i didn't wish you because i don't you are worth it.. but i didn't because i couldn't muster the courage to do it..but as i read scores of posts celebrating mothers day i feel ashamed... ashamed that even though i feel the love, even though i want to i cant just walk up to you.. i know its as simple as walking to you and hug you tight and whisper it to you...i just wish i wasn't this way... i wish i could make you feel on top of the world on this day...

i wish i could just get you the breakfast in bed... but i didn't do it because i didn't want you to think i am capable of doing it. i feared that you will make me do it everyday if you knew i could.. :D somethings i just love you doing it... know what?? no matter what happens i love being fed by you.. its not that I'm lazy or i just want to create more troubles for you... its just that i love it this way... no i will never ever admit it to you.. :)

i wish i could gift you something worthwhile... but i cant now... but trust me... i will someday... i will give you a comfortable life, lots of love and all that you deserve but never got...but more than which i will make you proud.. i will be someone and then you can flaunt me with your friends...

know what ma? we have these huge fights... massive ones...and it really bugs me when you cry... because all i want is for you to fight me..not because i enjoy a good fight[ yea i do..] but i want you to stand up for yourself... sometimes i feel like your mom than you as mine.. because you are just to soft hearted..you just are plain lucky you have dad as your hubby who keeps you like a some china doll.. and shields you from all hardship.. but i want you to be independent to walk away from dad's shadow and show the world you can.. because i know you can.. and i know how you hate being totally dependent on others... here's something i want to tell you.. yea we do have these serious fights.. i do tell you terrible things.. but an argument doesn't mean i hate you... it just means we have our difference of opinion...it just pains me to see you nurture the wrong notion that i don't care a bit.. i may seem stoic but I'm not... i do care.. believe me i do.. :) nope id never say these things to you ever...

you know i truly feel blessed having you as my mom... yeah i know you will probably have a heart attack if you read or if you knew this one... but i do.. trust me i have been feeling a whole lot confident about my life ahead because of you.. since the day you changed your notion about my leaving the city [ earlier: "isn't there a good college in kolkata? do you have to leave?" now: "go live your life... have the career you want.. I'm there for you.."] you have no idea just how much it means to me...with your belief on me, i know i can if i try... you are always a comfort when i make you choose fingers, trying in my silly immature ways to determine if i will actually get through the college i want...and every time you choose the wrong finger.. and i ask you "ma i will get through na? i wont have to stay here na?" you boost my confidence by saying "why not? you deserve it... you have worked hard.."

ma i wont ever say these things ever in as many words... i never will.. but i know if i did it would have made life a lot better for you.. i know you think you have two daughters who are nothing like you...who are always warring with you...all you need to do is to see beyond that strong stoic exterior... read in between my lines... look into my eyes... even though you have a rebellious daughter... who will ensure you have tears in your eyes.. who will not listen to a word you say... who will never be what you want her to be... but you have a daughter who loves you... who doesn't know how to say it...

i wish you and dad had a bit more faith on me... i wish you guys could take me for granted, and believe that id be there for you. despite being born a girl... i know society believes that girls are born to be being married and gone,one can hardly do anything for their parents but you know i am the son you never had...believe that i will never let you down.. believe that i can give up my dreams and the one person i love if only to please you.. know that for me you and dad comes first... know that even though a thing doesn't appear doesn't mean it doesn't exist.. know that i love you.. i really do....

with lots of love hugs and kisses... i hope dad wont mind will he??... now now i hope you wont spank me.. you know I'm a big perverted soul when it comes to you..i still enjoy sleeping with you on summer afternoons you know.. :P [all puns intended :D ] mom with you i know i can dare... because you are you.. my mom... and don't ever forget i was the first one to tell you what a 'smooch' was... and those demonstrations too!! :)

Here's wishing you a very happy mothers day!! may i be blessed with you as my mom forever and always.... you are my super mom... with your generous heart, kind nature.. tearful ways and you beautiful smile...

and o yeah... please come out of the cold attitude you have adopted towards me of late due to the fight we had on last Tuesday.. i have forgotten it by the way!! and I'm rather scared dad will notice and ask me why things are so stiff!! come on now... smile :) and lets kiss and make up? mwuaah... that was a smooch you know.. if you let me that is....

love you ma... just be the inspiration you are to me always.. and do keep smiling... because you look like a dragon ready to explode when you don't smile :) and that makes me feel scared... :)

your rebellious

Pupu

P.S: do read this I'm sure you will like it.. its an earlier post of mine.. i had by mistake deleted it... but somehow i managed to retrieve it... its befitting this situation.. would love it if you comment on this one.. please... sorry for the trouble

P.P.S: i dint mean to get all senti here... but when it comes to mothers one cant help it... :)

P.P.P.S: do scroll down to the previous post too please.. yea this means its two posts in a span of a few hours... blame it on exam tensions please... :)

I'm Back...

yes finally i get to come back to the space i consider home. its been n amazing 7 guest post celebrating my 500th post! and it felt great that everyone spoke good things about me [thank god!.. nahi toh naak kat jati :P] i dont know how this idea struck me to have guest posts but i must say it yielded such rich dividends... im big on friendships but somehow i have always been unsure of what my friend feels about this virtual friendship [to me its very much real] but these posts made me realize that my feelings are reciprocated and I'm valued as much as i value them... it really helps to be reminded that you are loved and cared for... when times are tough, when despair surrounds me and i feel like quitting, i will have these wonderful posts to fall back on..

thank you Mayank, Yamini, Richa, Harshita, Nikhil, Anwesa, and  Sumit da for being so wonderfully kind and generous to me... im really touched by all the beautiful words and thoughtful gestures..... 

anyway i don't think i have thanked all my new friends... like  Seher, Kajal, Arv, Arnab, Mahesh,Amith etc who have been extremely patient and thoughtful while reading and commenting on my last few posts.....

a really tough phase in my live begins tomorrow... i have my very first entrance exams [MASCOM,Kottayam] it is the one place i really really want to get in... its a strange sensation...I'm a little nervous as to what will happen but somehow i feel ready.. maybe a huge disappointment will come my way.. but no matter what comes my way... i will fight it.. i know i will.... 

from Monday my semester begins. Tamil being the first exam.. and to be very honest i haven't a clue... its really beyond me to memorize anything...i have a bad feeling that the invigilation will be tightened and it will be next to impossible to sneak a peak near by.. whatever happens im still hopeful.. i just wish i pass or else all my hard work of the last 3 years and 5 semesters will go to the dogs! hey bhagwaan please kripa karo..

you know just when i wanted to sit back and relax with no pressing need to write posts... i felt an insatiable need to blog.. maybe its got to do with exams.. those who know me... are aware.. that just before exams i make tall promises to not blog but i end up posting almost everyday.. anyway i had tons to write during these last few days.. a few i have it saved in drafts... and others are somewhere scribbled hopefully i will be able to retrieve them.... 

even during what seemed like happy hours for me.. some people were really silly, childish and in turn hurtful too.. and there were others who took the opportunity to take potshots at me... for all those who misunderstood me... here is a clarification... i haven't said or meant any hurtful things to anyone... and i surely don't want anyone to quit blogging because of me...if you think I'm offending or hurting you..kindly clarify with me and then go on to publish stuff in my name.. 

okay i think the heat and humidity is getting to me here....my thoughts are punctuated by trickles of sweat coursing down every nook and crevices of my body..arrgh! i guess i have to take a shower! again!!

Wish me luck people! tomorrow is really a big day for me!! i need all the luck!