Mundane World

I have been away from this space.. and this time it was deliberate and well thought out. i don't want to convert this space into a place where i whine, and bring all the negative energies of the mundane life here. this space is too precious for that.

there is so much to tell, i don't know where to begin. my last post was on my "mid sem review' so a follow up on that is, in 20 days following that i had another review and the change was phenomenal..i got commended on my reporting too on next beat reporting following my review..story ideas too fetched me marks.. and guess what? my stories too was taken for the bulletin at a time i felt extremely low about myself and my performance. it does make me feel good because after the review, no matter how brave a front i had put up, it had shaken my confidence and i was very reluctant to do anything. moreover devoting every waking hour to studies and giving myself time to do assignments, forgiving myself for things i couldn't do, really helped... sorry i didn't mean to brag, but its just that i feel good about myself that too in a long time.

"“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

i came to understand the value of friends in a world of competition, a world that means only business. disillusioned? no.. just a lot more mature.. this is not the first time this has happened so this time there were no reactions. in this leg of the journey of life i learned so many different things not just about people but about me. i combated my fear of loneliness. i was always apprehensive to go shopping alone or do things on my own, but now i do everything on my own. i don't depend on other for anything. i forgive those who are mean to me, purely because they don't posses the intellect or the education to know right from wrong, and forgiving people helps clean your heart and lets them burn in agony why is it that despite harming me, i fail to react. i thank this prof in college who actually taught me this, I'm grateful for that. she taught me something really valuable and i will carry it forward wherever i go..

Last few weeks has been a terrible nightmare to me.. i was sinking into pits of despair... thoughts of quitting was rampant on my mind... i just wanted to run away.. no one understood me.. all those i held close were away and others gave me a tough time.. work work and some more work drained the last drop of energy in me..exhaustion and depression made me even to think coherently...somewhere came the hope the will to see this through... i wanted to see, to test myself how much more i could endure this.. and now it feels a lot better. i know despite the terrible circumstances i know this will work out.. and no matter what people say or do, i will see this through to the end... because Winners never Quit and Quitters never Win

On personal front there is nothing great to talk about.. my parents have been extremely supporting and thoughtful in this last few weeks, i have come much closer to them, earlier i would never disclose the details of the things that go on in my life pertaining to college, but now i do and they have been a constant source of courage and inspiration to me .. for which i am extremely grateful.. where on one hand i was coming closer to loved ones... there was someone who complicated things by choosing not to understand me instead was being immature. patience is a virtue i had never possessed but i cultivated it... but its like fighting a loosing battle to reason to someone who refuses to see light no matter what and who will not support me but make matters difficult. i have no tolerance for such people even if they are close to me...sad but the extreme conditions on which i am surviving, there comes a time when patience and tolerance succumbs ...

On different thoughts... i have been reading a particular blog and i was so hooked that i went back read back the posts... and somewhere it calmed me down... its beautifully and truthfully written.. the reason why i kept reading was because it reinstated that emotions are there even in this mundane world... and the person who writes it A.G [yes i remember your name.. Mr Hopeless Romantic..] has now become someone i look forward to talking too even if for those brief chat sessions amidst work [both his and mine] with him i really talk endlessly, and i realized how much i love talking but here i hardly talk my heart out.. here i listen because people have so much to talk that they don't realize the person they are talking to may want to contribute too... i love talking to him.. laughing too... i miss these days .. i used to have a life online...Mayank Anwesa Harshi Leo Richa Nikhi Ne .. god! i have been so into work that i have lost those conversations.. those hours i would go chapper chapper all the time.. :) thank god i made some enduring friends here at bloggerville... who support me even if i am not around as much.. they understand... Nikhil never complains if i don't take his call because he knows im busy, he is patient and forever understanding.. i stay in Bangalore yet i don't meet Vinu but i extract a lot of information from him but he never complains... i wonder why? i must have done something good to deserve such friends for i know for a fact that such people in "real" life is extinct ....

Did i mention i went to Pavagada in Tumkur district for a Taluk visit? well the trip was beautiful.. people were great.. i haven't got so much warmth from strangers.. they gave us whatever they could offer to make us feel loved and welcomed.. it meant so much.. what really tugged at my conscience was these people looked at us with hope and expectation, willing us to help them change their abominable situation but there was hardly anything we could do... i tried doing my bit by blogging about the Fluorosis in Pavagada in my journalistic blog...check it out if you wish...click here

God has been really kind.. because a few of the troubles that has been clouding my life has partially moved to allow a ray of light to enter my life and that is something I'm grateful for...

So this is about everything that has been happening in my life... I'm sure i must have bored you to death... but once i began i couldn't stop myself.. until i write i don't know just how much i miss my blog...

i hope you all are well? wassup at your end? do keep me posted...

lots of love
~Phoenix~

P.S- do overlook my typos.. haven't got the time to proof read... :P :) sorry!!

Mid sem Review!!

Yesterday we had mid sem reviews in college. and i got the biggest shock of my life. and i realized how true all that was spoken to me was "i needed a life" i have been too stressed about how best to get a job, how to perform great each time, how not to make mistakes, to diligently do my work; that i had forgotten to breathe to take it easy.

And that is exactly i was told among other things of course. i have this way of piling things on me. and i let the burden of responsibilities that is on me get better of me and my work suffered and it showed the stress i am putting on myself. maybe Kanchan[vise Dean] was right, i need to forgive myself, to tell myself i can make mistakes, to allow space for mistakes. yes the technical bit i need to work harder but on the whole i need to relax and take it easy without piling on.

The worse part of it all was, i had a nervous breakdown during the mid sem review, nothing could be more humiliating and embarrassing. maybe its time i have to stop being hard on myself. its time to review myself and set my priorities straight.

My first Diwali away from home

My roomate Vaidehi and Me

There is always many firsts when you leave home.. these occasions either overwhelm you or leave you having the time of your life. for me it was a little of both. all of you who still read me [thank you! :)] know how paranoid i was leaving home, and everything that i called mine. here away from home i realized how dear everything that i left behind is to me, but more than that i have learnt to make a new place my own.

this is my first diwali away from mom dad and Samik, so in a way it was really painful but did i just sit and sulk? no i learnt to bring a little of everything i so loved into my new life and spread a few smiles. this diwali was unique with it came a realization and it was all a bitter sweet feeling.

Doing Rangoli

my day began getting ready for a cricket match between a mixed team of girls and guys and it was fun to say the least. with Bangalore sun scorching, burning our skin there we were sweating it out.. playing cricket brought back memories of playing cricket in my gully, it used to be so much fun minus the male chauvinism.. :) then i proceeded to learn the art of rangoli when the housekeping didi's drew beautiful rangoli's. so the entire morning went just colouring the beautiful rangoli's with the security bhaiiyas and then the better part of the day before and after lunch was spent decorating the whole hostel. the light man had come and fixed the lights for the evening. raisin was done with the puja house and fixing lights on top of the terrace.amplifires were up so was the sound system, diyas were prepared for the evening and then it was time for a quick bath and getting dressed.


it was an amazing night as i carried the try of diyas placing it at regular intervals just like i used to at home, but there wasn't dad to help me out this time. i couldn't see the lights glittering in the streets below as i looked down from my veranda. i had to blink back tears several times, and ignore the pain of not being with Samik... but i let go.. because i knew this time wouldn't ever come back again.. the people, the smiling faces, those warm wishes and glittering lights.. a life that will now last for only the next 6 months.. until i leave... i lived the life like i wouldn't ever, and i did what i wouldn't be caught doing in public;dancing.. and what a night it was! tears were never away but i wasn't prepared to let it dampen my spirits...

late at night when everyone was in bed, tired and sleepy i stole away to the terrace and looked around.. a year ago this life was unimaginable.. a year later would be surreal too.. i will be working... maybe i will be away from home... now home seems a long long way off.. a temporary respite.. i will bring my home to a place where i will be.. i will build my life again.. and hopefully i will have the house i have always hoped of living in..

hopes and dreams are the comforters of life.. it often makes the journey worthwhile and makes life so much better...

for more pics click HERE

Flying on a jet plane

I know most of you will find this really silly and childish but then since it was my first ever airplane ride it was really special to me and that's what this post is about.

as a child i would keep staring at all those airplanes or helicopters that would fly in the sky above, and i would squint till it disappeared amidst clouds. this habit or fascination stayed with me until recently. so you can imagine what i must have felt like when i finally got the tickets to fly home for the pujas. and to add to that i was going home, life seemed blissful. without having any prior knowledge about flight experience i faltered quite a few times but thankfully i didn't really goof up.

the best part of the whole 2 way flight experience was the view. while flying home i had taken the evening flight so i actually saw the cities i passed twinkling. highways seemed like river of lights snaking its way through mountains and hillocks. this may be quite a common sight for regular flyer's but for me it was a scene id die for.. it was something i had never seen before. and while i was flying on my way back it was another experience because i saw the sunrise as my flight took off and then the whole world glistening under the morning sun... white clouds floated around.. the land below looked like what an overview of Fb would look like... it was amazing... despite being tired and utterly stressed on both times i didn't sleep a wink.. i was glued to the window taking in the sight ... it was one beautiful experience...

P.S- do pardon my childlike excitement... but i really thought it is important to to share one of the most beautiful experiences of my life...

Homeless

I came today from a trip back home. and its not a great feeling. what makes it worse is i couldn't just fit in back at home, i was sulking i wanted to get back, i was missing my roomies, my life here. and i had left at a time i had settled in but now that i went back everything got unsettled again. the life that i had to willingly detached myself from, was the same life i could never get back to when i was home. and when i was begining to just settled down i had to come back. and now when i am here i long for all that i wont get... why is it that grass is greener on the other side?

Its like i cant fit in back home anymore and neither do i belong here. its the worse feeling of the lot. i know within a few days i may settled back in here but this feeling is there to stay. how can life transform itself so fast? where do i belong now? is what i keep wondering.....

Sorry im in an exteremely bad mood now... hopefully will bounce back... :)

This is a teary phoenix signing off...

P.S-next post on my first flight journey... more on that later..

Updates

I have been a moron and i apologize.

i have been here in Bangalore for two months now. and the passion that i had always harboured for blogging has somehow been buried under stress and fatigue of life. i realized soon enough that i started belonging to the group of people i always critiqued saying blogging is like breathing how can you not do it. i have felt guilty for not being there for people who were a major part of my social life once, i have never managed to make time for all those who have understood me wordlessly, and there was this one person i have neglected just because i had found myself in unknown territory ; my bloggie. i sincerely apologize for not reading, commenting or even bothering to write. i wont make tall promises here but i will try my best to post 1 post a week even if it is just to say hi and hello... because blogging still means much to me.....



For all those who didn't already know... i turned 22 on the 6Th of September this year and it was one of the best birthdays of my life [ i know i say it every year but every year is better than the last year now what can i do? :P] what was best was, this is my first birthday away from home and family so it was bound to be lonely and upsetting, my blogger friends, Anwesa, Nikhil, Vinu, and Harshita made it so much special by wishing my on their blogs or calling me up and also Samik, who came down to Bangalore for a week just to be with me on my birthday. it was one helluva reason to pass all those gloomy days when i was terribly homesick and i just couldn't cope up with the pressures of college. each day id wake up to check the date and strike off just one more day. it was one helluva week, it all went so quickly that i felt i was in a daze.

here i was apprehensive of traveling to unknown locations in and around Bangalore; but for Samik i traveled from one end of the city traveling some 90 miles to just meet him. that week i hardly slept, with assignments due and deadlines and what with finishing work in record time one has ever even imagined i was finding ways to escape from college just to meet him.from frequent hot spots in Bangalore, from mall hopping to dining in restaurants, from shopping to gifting things to each other. it was one week to remember. i don't remember smiling or feeling this happy in a while. it goes without saying that i was extremely grateful that Samik could actually make it and took the effort to accommodate my inabilities to be there for him due to intense work pressures... needless to say there has been pictures galore... and they are all up on orkut and facebook and on picassa too. if you are interested to view the pics click here

The day he left, i remember standing on the road in majestic seeing his Volvo moving away from me with each second and there i was crying unabashedly. i cant believe how time flies. i cant believe how much i have grown in the past few months. I'm doing all the things i thought id never be able to do. i guess with time we all learn and we all outgrow the preconceived notions we have had in life.life teaches one to survive tough times.

..........Forever.

You came in. I wiped off my tears. You saw it all. Still you remained unmoved.Tickets, luggage everything was in place.

With each step, my life was drifting away from me.

Your words flashed across my mind. Those poignant words……“You cannot see my tears. That does not mean I don’t ever cry.”

I turned back, fathomed the depth of your eyes and vowed to be yours…Forever.

**Crafted by : ANWESA**

P.S.: It is a guest post. Our dear Phoenix will be back in sometime.

Masked

i see them putting up a facade
i see their fangs behind their smiles
their words can kill,
and stares can pierce.
they are there, everywhere,
in every walk of life.
hooded and dark
slipping in and out of shadows
they will intrude your mind
rape your thoughts
push you deeper into the dreary depths of nothingness
they will extract your everything
they will violate your very being.

Love,Career and Relationships

i have watched Love Aj Kal a couple of weeks back, and i have been meaning to write something regarding my perception of modern day relationships but what finally makes me write this post is not just the movie but what my prof at college had to say in our class. before i go on to my take on this whole "love,career and relationship" topic lemme assure you the prof I'm talking about is someone i really respect and admire but it is one of the things she said that got me thinking.

This professor kept on telling us in class [and she does this almost everyday] that if you have be a good journo what you need to do is, chuck your boy friends and girl friends to leave you alone for the remaining 9 months.

in love aj kal, Meera and Jai decide to call off their relationship, even though it was great and was working fine but because they had to shift to a different city and it would be inconvenient.

i am no one to pass judgements on todays youth, im no moral police... but when it comes to me i can speak for myself. i somehow find these two incidents really strange. im in a really hectic course where stress rules high, no time to spare and no personal space but even then i never fail to take time out, after i am done with my studies and work to talk to my guy or my parents or my loved ones..

my point is, life now is competitive, far more than the generation or two before. where its cut throat competition, but that does not mean one gives up human emotions and relationships in favour of a career or better life. one of the most important words in life is balance. nothing is possible without balance. a career is really not worth it if one doesn't have someone or loved one to share it with, the successes or the failures, the moments of achievement or utter dejection... in the same time I'm not in favour of an idle life with no direction.

what do you think? is career more important or love? or a mix of both? what would have been your choice and why?

Happy Birthday Vinu!

He is one of my very close blogger friends... he is what i would call ATF... Any Time Friend... before i landed in Bangalore i had some 10,000,000 queries... from bus routes to places.. and he was forever helpful... but what touched me most about this friend of mine was... he remembered when i was to turn up in his city... he regularly checked on me... he actually helped me do an assignment, he met me up at a short notice and for a really short time... but he never complained not even when he wanted to talk to me and i told him some 100 times that i was in class or busy. he is relentless and patient as a friend someone who makes you feel at home no matter what... he has been just wonderful specially during my illness here...

Today as my special friend celebrates his birthday! here's wishing him the best in life.. may all good things happen to him for he deserves nothing but the best!

lots of love and luck

~Phoenix~