Of summer heat and heart that beats..

She flicked a tendril  of hair from her face, summers were here and the heat was already unbearable. It was one of her days off but instead of an afternoon siesta; there she was sitting curled up on the bean bag with a book. The only sound she could hear was of the gentle humming of the AC. She smiled to herself. Thinking back to the times gone by. Summers, always brought back various memories.

The most vivid childhood memories were that of waking up to thunder and lightening and pitter patter rain drops on her window sill. Those reluctant few moments, when she would pull the covers up and let the sound of rain comfort her. Then there was that mad dash to the terrace to get drenched as it poured like crazy, soaking her clothes and purging her soul. Summers in Kolkata, meant Kalboishaki, storm and thunder that took away the stinging heat of the day and it was that which she loved like crazy.

As years rolled on, summers would come to mean stinging Delhi summers, the days of traveling in an auto with face covered up. Those midnight ice-cream cravings and him stepping out to satiate each and every one of them. Sometimes it would be a malai kulfi and sometimes a chocolate tub; whatever be the flavor, the ice cream miraculously tasted heavenly only because he so lovingly fed it to her. Nights seemed to wear off in his embrace, his gentle breathing lulling her off to sleep, her days beginning with a kiss on his forehead and it would end with his loving caress.

Memories came thick and fast and she sighed, she knew life since then had changed drastically. Pain and anguished marred her existence, going to the brink and back and then finding peace. All she needed to do was close her eyes to see the images flashing in front of her eyes. Unknowingly she had clenched her fists, her lips pursed in a straight line, as memories took her back in time in some of the darkest hours of her life. She felt as if she was spiraling into pits of despair like that summer evening when she had watched her life collapse as he walked away; the rain Gods had mercy on her and decided to pour. Minutes turned into hours and time stood still.

A gentle kiss on her forehead snapped her out of her reverie; as she looked up to see his smiling face. Instantaneously warmth spread through her, the worst had passed, he was there with her, to stay. As his arms came around her and he snuggled up to her, she knew she had triumphed her fears and had come a long way. At a distance she could see the rain clouds join forces and she could almost smell the rain. As his fingers caressed her head, she tucked her head under his chin and settled in. His familiar smell cocooning her as love reassured her that the storm had passed.

As the first drops came down in torrents, she handed him a cup of coffee and settled in beside him.  Life had come a full circle, if life was as harsh as the summers, He was like the rain that took the sting away and made it worthwhile.

End.. the very end

It is all a game. You know there is an end. The journey till the end is what makes this journey unpredictable. You know the pain has to be endured. You know that tears can’t be shed. You know that the heart will be ripped apart. But what you don’t know is how much it will hurt, how much you have to go through till the end comes to you. Will the end then be rejoiced? The rules are the same; the funny part is you enter this game voluntarily. 

The vicious circle of illusion draws you in. You battle with yourself, as illusion and reality blinds you rendering you defenseless and disarming you of your better judgments. You cringe, you weep, you push the emotions away but the harder you strive to stay afloat, the deeper the pit gets, pulling you in. Mirage draws you closer for a hopeless, directionless tomorrow. You stumble, you fall, you reach out but reality seems far ahead.

As the end draws closer, you are almost thankful of the outcome. You know that it was good while it lasted but end is required, even celebrated and has to be accepted despite the painful consequence. The end was always there, just at a distance. The end that was dreaded once, was no longer feared but rejoiced now.

Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye Check the video out here

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

Au revoir

There comes a time in our life when we see our life flash before us. In that moment we realize the truth of the situation we are in. All illusions falls apart, those lies we tell ourselves to feel good diminishes into nothingness. And you know it’s time to say goodbye. 

It was a normal argument which took an ugly turn. She felt anger course through her as she saw his face distort as he spew venom at her. She thought like every other fight this too shall pass but she had no clue how one argument would shatter the life she had painstakingly build.

“Whore!! I have never made you feel like one. But you are what you feel inside!” He spat

She trembled angrily and lunged forward. In one swift motion she whipped her palm across his face! It took him a second to recover from the shock of the slap. He rose from the couch, his hands firmly on her throat; he pushed her against the wall with all his might. She fell to her knees as she hit the cupboard, her knees hurt as tears pricked her eyes. She thought she was living a nightmare not realizing that the torture was not over yet. He was back within seconds, he yanked her hair and pulled her back on to her feet and threw her on the bed and strangled her.

As his hands gripped her throat in a vice like grip, she struggled hard to breathe. A dull ache in her head plunged her into a daze like state. She did not fight him. A part of her could not believe that it was the same man whom she loved with her very being who was hurting her. The guy who taught her how to love was the same man who was now hurting her so much that pain blinded her. She heard him saying, “How dare you hit me?! I will kill you. Yes you are a Whore!! You will always be one!” That moment she gave up, gave up on the love, gave up on the desire to live as the torture continued. One hand on her neck, and the other slapping her, she lost track of the number of times he smacked her across her face. She lay still, willing the end to come. It ended almost as soon as it began. A stunned silence reigned. It took her a few minutes to regain her breathing. Tears threatened to spill; broken dreams and shattered heart were all that was left. 

She remembered how he had once told her that she used tears to win an argument. Willing herself not to react, she tried to overcome the wooziness in her head, her eyes barely open, head throbbing painfully, she sat up, wiped the stray tears and made for the door, when a pair of arms stopped and embraced her.

For once she did not melt in the embrace. She did not bury her head in his chest and breathed in his scent as his warmth enveloped her. She recoiled, as if she has been possessed. She tried to tear herself away from him. His voice not registering in her head. She refused to even look at him. The more she begged him to let her go the more he tried to hold her close. All she wanted was to get away from him before he killed her, for her it was all over.

The more she tried to break away the tighter he hugged her. It took her a while to realize that he was not trying to harm her anymore, he was repentant. Tears came, sobs racked his body as she sat still as he hugged her, and not a tear trickled down her face. It took a while for his voice to reach her and there was no comfort. Nothing made the pain easier to bear. 

She knew what happened was in a fit of uncontrolled rage, she knew he did not want to harm her.  He would never have if she had not provoked him. But she knew it was over, they had crossed a line from which there was no return. Things would probably be normal but the scars would remain, as would the horrific memory of what happened, the love was lost forever. 

As tears rolled down his face, and he hung his head in shame, he sat cradling her, rocking her. She wanted to make him feel better, but she felt paralyzed unable to react. She knew all was not well, it never would be. She sat motionless as the tears turned into sobs, loud mournful ones, eyes begging for forgiveness. Hands touching her face tenderly, tracing the invisible scars that may have remained. There was not a single mark on her cheeks or on her throat but her soul was scarred. The realization shook her but the part of her that loved him wholeheartedly was anguished seeing his pain. Slowly, her she raised her arms slowly and hugged him close.

Only then did he break down. Her heart lurched, she hurt seeing him hurt. She rocked him, pacified him that it was fine, she forgave him. But she knew things had changed irrevocably. 

She had forgiven him the moment she had seen regret and repentance in his eyes but she could never live with the fact that loving him also meant giving up on who she was. 

Days later, Noyona pulled the door close behind her. She left her set of keys with the guard and instructed him to hand them over to Niel when he got home from work that evening.

                                                                             ~ *  ~

Echoes...

I look out at the city skyline stretched out in front of me. Tall buildings...twinkling lights...flights taking off or touching down nearby... cars below zip by...I look up at the moon.. the moon which is a steady companion...Soon it will be time to go home... to you. Thoughts reoccur and I am reminded of a lost time. An evening like today, except in a different place: after a hard day at work, I would stand drinking a cup of coffee staring at the moon, wondering how the sky, the stars and the moon were the only link that connected me to you, across the distance that stood between us. I used to wonder if my thought brought a smile on your face like before, if your eyes still twinkled when you smiled, those creases forming making you look even more endearing.... Tears would fill my eyes and a dull ache would spread all over me, numbing me. The thought that I may never set my eyes on you, that I’d probably always long and ache for you.. made me despair about love. That day, I never conceived that there would be a day when I’d wake up beside you, and fall asleep in your arms; and yet feel incomplete.

I observe quietly, I cry silent tears, I hope against hope, that we could make this moment count... I suffer, I take in the pain... looking beyond the troubles in fear of tomorrow that will not see us together, again. I hope you would notice how beneath the seeming calmness, there is a raging storm within. That, smiles often masquerade the anguish within. I see the disapproving look in your eyes, the harshness in your rebuke, and the stiffness in your gait  and I feel my insides cringe in pain. I know there will be a tomorrow, when there will be a ‘you’ and there will be a ‘me’ but ‘us’ will have to die... that day I’d lose everything, yet I will not be entitled to breaking down or to mourn. I’d have to take things in my stride.. I’d have to swallow the tears, bear the pain that would turn my insides out...while you will carry on with your life, just the way you had warned me you would, without so much as a thought about me. That day I would have to learn to live my life again and even though dull, the pain of having lost 'us' shall remain; forever.

That day I will wonder, which was better knowing that you were mine and out there somewhere but we can never be together or that we were together but that you were never mine...

Shadow of Darkness

He got into the cab that was waiting for him just outside the airport. Settled in the cab, he pinched the bridge of his nose while loosening his tie. It had been quite a week. All this traveling to and fro was not doing anything for his health, pocket or his personal life but then it was a gamble he had to play, for as long as it lasted.

As the car sped on, his thoughts drifted to her. It had been a been a rough few weeks, he had hardly had time to be home, to talk to her, hold her and to top it off he had been extremely edgy and had snapped at her unnecessarily. Strangely she had been silent, hardly reacting and rather calm. He knew his approach hadnt been right and this time he mentally swore that he will set things right as soon as he got home! Home...funny how he kept referring to the homes he had...he suppressed a devilish chuckle, let the world think what they want, for now and as long as it lasted, home was with her. He just could wait to get home, hug her close, make love to her till exhaustion and reassure his love for her. He made a mental note to take the day off the next few days and spend quality time with her. He had to. This time unlike other times he felt something was not right. He couldn't place his finger on what it was but he had a strange restlessness that was eating him inside. 

As the car came to a stop, he stepped out and dragged his trolley behind him. Taking the keys out, he slowly climbed the stairs till he reached the door. He put the key in and turned and slowly pushed the door open. The house was in darkness. A sense of dread filled him. He hated coming back to an empty home but this was something else. He turned the light on. The house looked organized, neat and clean, just the way he liked. He took off his shoes and went to the bathroom to turn on the geyser for a nice long bath. She had stepped out he thought to himself and smiled inwardly. What a surprise it will be when she comes back and sees him.

He went to the washing machine and removed his socks and shirt and put them in. He then made his way to the cupboard to take his night clothes out. He had just opened the cupboard when he noticed the door to her cupboard slightly ajar, pushing it open he realized that her clothes, shoes, linen, books and jewellery was just not there. He turned back and looked at the dressing table, everything was intact, except that her things were not there. Her side of the nightstand did not have her regular stack of books or her charger or her glasses. He ran to the bathroom and opened the cabinet, her tooth brush was gone, so was her shampoo and other essentials. He went from the balcony, to the kitchen, opening cupboards, looking searching for one sign of her. But nothing was left. It was as if she had never been there.


Thoughts came thick and fast. Where would she be? Why had she gone?? When did she decide to leave? Why had she not told him? His head felt heavy and was ready to explode. His eyes was burning and he was hungry. But nothing mattered. She was gone! Like someone lost he went about trying to find something that would connect him to her. their photographs were gone. Her favourite mug from which she would sip her morning coffee, her collection of CDs, her books, her stuffed toy. Her arm chair wore an abandoned look, so he went and sat down holding his head on his hand. His cellphone beeped, Home calling.... he looked at the phone in an agitated way and switched it off. Tomorrow he would deal with his family, today he needed time alone.

As he walked back to the bedroom and sat down on his side of the bed he noticed the ring. It was the only that was left of her, no note, no email... he tried calling her phone but it was switched off, exhaustion and pain drained him completely, as tears brimmed his eyes. He couldn't believe that she had just gone without saying a thing. He felt angry, irritated and betrayed... How could she do this to him!! Anger boiled inside him and he tried remembering the last time he had seen her, she was standing at the door with a forlorn expression on her face but she dint say anything, she had even moved away when he moved in to hug her. Then he didnt think much, he knew he will set things right when he got back from home, maybe he should have been more sensitive... if onlys and maybes remain... As he saw the lights flicker on the wall and then darkness surround him, he knew he had lost her and this time she was gone forever and the pain was numbing but there was nothing he could do. He had always prepared her for the day he would be gone,with much resilience and stoicism but nothing had prepared him for the day he would lose her. Pain ripped him apart and guilt of what he had done to her made it difficult for him to breathe, the burden of the cross getting heavier by the minute but he knew this was his cross to bear and in a silent prayer he hoped against hope that someday she would have some love left in her to forgive him for wronging her.

The leaves of memory seemed to make
A mournful rustling in the dark

~The End~

The last encounter

He sat at the dinner table surrounded by three of his closest friends and their family at an upmarket restaurant. It was a family dinner, arranged after a lot of cancellation and planning. Life had truly moved at a break neck pace. He felt as if he was leading life as if in a haze. There he was with friends whom he had met at college and now they were not just successful professionals but also family men with wife and kids. As he looked around he felt accomplished as he was surrounded by people who meant most to him, his wife, his 8 year old daughter and a set of friends and their family who were much closer to him than his family ever was, but there was a sense of unrest an incompleteness that he was never really able to fathom...

His mind wandered, and he reflected upon how his life had shaped in the last years. His friends would say that after a period of madness he has finally found his moorings and his life was finally on track... but was it really? Every day he came home to his beautiful daughter who was a source of joy and a very driven wife who was efficient, responsible and everything that one would wish for in a wife, she was a good mother, a dutiful daughter and a great homemaker. Then why was it that he yearned for her, he kept thinking about her, longing for her even after so many years.

Where would she be now? Has she married? Does she have children? Does she still smile in her sleep? Does she wake up only to snuggle deeper into the sheets? Does she ever wonder what happened to him? This trail of thought disturbed him. After so many years he had no business thinking about her. After all he had done the right thing, moved away before it rocked his settled life and she had agreed to the entire arrangement as well. Even though the mind is at ease the heart never was, it kept yearning for what was and what never will be.

A roar of laughter brought him back to the dinner table and he looked around smiling and it was then he noticed the most adorable girl he has ever seen walk up to the table next to theirs. She must be all of three, dressed in a red frock, hair falling till her shoulders fixed with clips and matching bunny shoes to complete the look, she was a pretty kid and for some reason he could never move his eyes from her. The kid was making fish faces at a person who was probably her mother on being denied her favorite toy, as his gaze left the kid and settled on the mother who had her back towards him something tugged at him, a familiar feeling coursed through him yet he couldn't really place it. Just then the lady turned to the daughter swinging her into her arms and turning around.

For a few moments time stood still. He was glad others at his table were too engrossed to notice his expression. He couldn’t believe it was her standing right in front of her even after so many years. His eyes drank in her sight. He loved the way she wore her hair long as it fell to her waist in soft natural curls. The beautiful white and red salwar kameez moulded her body as small diamond studs glittered in her ears, which got reflected in his nose pin. Her left wrist wore a simple elegant watch and the right wore two thin intricate bangles and her shapely fingers wore two rings one on each hand. Her eyes wore the familiar heavily kohled look and a touch of colour brightened her full lips.

She had maintained her no makeup look even after so many years which made her look elegant and breathtakingly beautiful and for a moment he was lost in her sight. It was the little girl’s giggle that brought him back to reality and he felt a rush of anger boiling in him. So she had gone ahead and married and had a family and had forgotten all about him with ease. He felt angry and stupid about himself for thinking about her till he felt possessed. For a moment he felt like walking up to her and slapping her but then he looked away.

Feeling a stare she looked up to see him and her face turned while and she hugged her daughter closer to her for comfort. It wasn’t just him who had noticed her, Arti had too, and she turned to her husband and whispered.

“Isn’t she Noyona, Neel?”

“Huh? Who? Aah... yes Noyona...” he tried to say smoothly hoping that she and others at the table wouldn’t notice the discomfort. Before he could figure what should be done next Arti pushed back her chair and walked up to Noyona. For a moment he felt uncomfortable, he felt a little guilty, Arti never really knew what he had shared with Noyona, but she had been really insecure and rather bitter about her which had led to a lot of spats until he stopped mentioning her at all. It had been four years since it was over between him and Noyona, but she lingered around in his marriage for no fault of her own. Arti could sense that Noyona was someone very important to Neel but could never accept it nor was she able to keep her off from her husband and the knowledge made her angry and inadequate.

“Hi Noyona?!”

Noyona turned to Arti in surprise.

“Arti? Hi!”

“Funny how we never met but we know each other”

“Really...so how have you been? You guys are now settled in Delhi?”

“Yes we have been for the last two years... didn’t you know?”

“I’m really sorry I guess I have been out of touch for a long time...”

“So are you based out of Delhi too now?”

“No I am still in Bangalore. Nandini my niece stays here and we had come to visit her and her fiancé.”

He had been listening on to the conversation for some time and felt it was time to chip in as the air

was turned on to be very uncomfortable.

“Hi Noyona...How have you been?” He asked trying to keep all emotion out of his voice.”

“I have been good and you?”

“I have been good too, funny how we seem to bump into each other all the time.”

A strange looked passed Noyona and he knew she remembered how they had first met. They had literally collided with each other on the office staircase. Arti fidgeted and he moved on to say something.

“So what brings you to Delhi? Planning to move here?” Arti gave a panicked look.

“No actually my niece has finally met someone and we have come to meet him.”

“Is this your daughter?”

“Err... yes her name is Ankhi.”

This time it was Neel who visibly recoiled. He remembered how she had once passionately said that she would name her son and daughter Ayon and Ankhi, as it meant eyes and she had always loved eyes as they she believed were the windows to the soul. And after so many years she had married and had kids and she had named her daughter Ankhi, her daughter but not fathered by him. Pain made it hard for him to breathe.

“Aah so you married? Where is your husband?” Arti chipped in.

Before she could reply they were joined by Nandini her niece and Arnab whom he recalled was her best friend from college. So finally Arnab got to marry Noyona, a girl who was his best friend and also someone he had had a massive crush on which he could never recover from. They had even met once. He reached out to greet him.

“Hi Arnab been a long time...”

“Yeah it has been... how have you been Neel?”

“Been pretty good, now settled in Delhi itself. Hey hi Nandini...we have never really met but we have spoken, I don’t know if you remember me?”

“Hey hi Neel I do remember you, it’s hard not to... it’s been a really long time na? By the way have you met Ayon the little monster?”

“O my!! Are Ayon and Ankhi twins?” Arti exclaimed.

“Yes they are... but that’s where all the similarities end. They are diametrically opposite but love each other nonetheless” Nandi exclaimed.

“Hey I think you should get back to your dinner, your friends are waiting!” Noyona said.

“I think we should, but you do keep in touch, it was really nice meeting you.”

“Thanks Arti it was the same for us, bye Neel.” With that Noyona turned away, trying to settle her kids. Ayon choose to sit with his Masi on her left as Noyona took to her right with Ankhi beside her and Arnab taking his place right across the table.

After the order was placed, it was finally Nandini who finally spoke out.

“Are you okay Noyon? Look if you want we can do somewhere else. I know this must be hard.... i

dint know he was in town or i would never have brought you here...”

“Relax its fine. I didn’t expect him to be here too but then given the history of running into each other I should have known I’d bump into him. Dont mind me, when is Rannvijay joining us?”

“He will be along any minute now.”

As he sipped his drink he felt drawn to her. She seemed happy; finally she had found her anchor in Arnab and decided to give life a chance. While at one level he was happy for her at another level anger and jealousy ripped him apart. He couldn’t believe she had lied to him. All those tall talks about not being able to envision sharing life with anyone else but him and deciding to be all alone throughout life because she loved him and couldn’t not love someone the same way, all was a lie! A small voice in his head told him what he was thinking was all wrong. He had chosen to end this unexpected relationship and decided to go back to his wife and kid and had given up on her, it was his choice not hers. But she knew from the beginning that there was no future yet she let herself be in this relationship, he reasoned. So does that mean even after he let go of her she was supposed to die mourning for him? He figured he was being unreasonable but the thought that some other man was in her life was disturbing enough let alone the fact that he had fathered her kids and was

a permanent part of her life. He died several deaths just thinking about how another man touched her, made love to her.

He imagined her waking up only to nuzzle her face against his chest, her smile brightening her face even before she fully opened her eyes. He remembered her painstakingly scrubbing his feet and throwing soap suds all over him because he wasn’t cooperating. He remembered her draping her saree and him watching her every move, the way it caressed and moulded her body. She had not made it to the puja pandal in time; he had ensured that his hands traced the contours of her body, kissed each and every curve of her body. It had been hours before she went out, the marks was there for all to see who cared enough to take a second look but she had not complained. That was the beauty of her, even in the dead of the night when she would lay deep in sleep and he would trace his fingers along her bare back, caressing her nape and kissing her ears, she would just languidly turn and submit herself in his arms.

But it wasn’t for the sheer beauty of her body that made him long for her, but the childlike quality in her. When she would decide to make dinner or lunch, food would be scattered all over the place, she would be clumsy and sloppy which led to innumerable fights. She would end up pissed giving him the cold shoulder and he would criticize her some more, until later things would be resolved in a moment of uncontrollable passion. He wanted to take care of her and hold her and take away all her pain but he knew he was not meant to be around forever, he had a home and family to go to and strangely she never seemed to challenge that. Maybe that’s why he loved her so much.

Now as he looked across the room he saw a mature lady who was sure about herself, the childlike innocence had been replaced by wisdom, her eyes were veiled but almost sad and the smile even though permanently adorning her lips was not natural. So much had changed, they had gone their separate ways just as they had known they would but then why even after so many years does heart still long for her? He wondered for the millionth time, what if he had decided to shirk his responsibilities and chosen her over them? How would life have been then?

His daughter laced her arm with his and he came out of his reverie only to meet Shekhar’s eyes. A friend of many years he knew exactly what transpired much more than anyone could ever imagine. He nodded to him and smiled signaling that things were in control. Seeing the happy faces around him he couldn’t help but feel disconnected. This was the first time in so many years Arti made an attempt to participate in any kind of conversation or be in a good mood in such gatherings yet the knowledge didn’t please him, he knew something was not right, was it her? Why did it bother him that she had chosen to settle down in life? He looked across to the kids perched on their high chair

feeding ice cream to one another. With ice cream smeared all over the face and a messy bib, they looked quite adorable, almost a reflection of their mother. And the familiar tug was back, they could be his if only... Arnab had linked his hands to hers under the table and his eyes rarely left hers. He knew at that very moment that he had truly lost her when he had chosen his family over her few years back and what they had had surely succumbed to the tests of time.

The cheque arrived and after paying he made his way out with his family and others. Before the restaurant door clicked shut he looked back, she sat there smiling hugging her kids close to her, her hair falling on her face masking her expression.

“Dad...... come on...”

“Coming coming....”

After Arnab and Noyona saw Nandini and her fiancé off, he settled the kids on the front seat of the car, securing them with the seat belt. He arranged their bags neatly on the backseat and kissed them goodnight.

“You okay?” Arnab said as he pulled her close for a tight hug.

“Been better before but will survive this.”

“Come on now smile.. Okay enough of brooding let’s get going. It’s getting late.”

“Drive safe Arnab. Goodnight.”

“You too Noyona. Goodnight.”

As Arnab saw the car turn into the driveway and disappear, his phone started ringing.

“Hi baby, how are you doing? You want me to pick something up on the way? Some ice cream? No cravings tonight? Are you sure? I’m not going out again once I’m home... uhuh!! Okay... yea the dinner went off well... Nandini’s fiancé is rather nice... yes IIT Delhi... good chap.. kids were great... yes we missed you.. Nandini understood that in your condition coming out would have been tough... yeah they can’t wait for the baby to arrive... you won’t believe who we met today... no no it was Neel... Noyona was stunned at first but then she seemed collected... did she tell him? No she didn’t. They kind of assumed that I was with her and no we didn’t not tell them otherwise. No she seemed perfectly okay with it... Anyway let’s discuss this once i get home? Okay see you in sometime then.”

He hung up and reflected on the events of the night and sighed. He felt sorry for Noyona for all that she had been through all alone for the last four years but more than that he was proud that she never for once faltered or complained. She accepted whatever life brought her way smilingly and braved all hardship. If only Neel knew... would he have done things otherwise? He didn’t think so. He started the engine and drove away.

~*~

Half a life 4!

Even in sleep she could felt the bed dip on her left, soon she felt a pair of hands wrap itself all around her. The feel of it was vaguely familiar, so was the smell. Then she felt a face nuzzling her neck and even in her sleep she snuggled in, falling asleep instantly. She woke up to find a pair of naughty eyes peering down at her with eyes full of unmasked love and she visibly recoiled! Neel had woken up and he was right there on the bed, hugging her while she slept! She was mortified! She had snuggled up to him and slept!! She didn’t know where to look, she just wanted to lie there and wished death would come to her. She considered jumping out of bed but then again she fretted that her hair was in a mess and she was wearing a very old strappy nightgown that wasn’t flattering and she wouldn’t be caught dead in front of him in that! She was confused about her next course of action! Instead she pulled the covers up till her eyes as she heard him laugh out aloud. 

“I have seen you wear much less than what you have on Noyona… grow up! It’s okay… it’s just me…” He just pulled her to him and hugged her tight until she gave up her fight and hugged him back.

“I missed you all these years.. There has not been a day I have not wondered where you are, how you have been. I have hurt so bad that I am no longer scared of being hurt.”

“I have missed you too…” she whispered barely audible

“Then why leave like that? Then why didn’t you keep in touch. Not once in these last three years. Have you ever wondered what I have been through? Did you care even once to know how I am? Did I not mean anything to you?”

“You still mean a lot to me Neel, it’s just that we were never meant to be for each other. I knew we couldn’t live in denial. I had to build life from scratch. It hasn’t been hunky dory for me… with the kids and all... but I managed. I had to… I had to keep my end of the bargain after what I had done. My love for you had never ceased in all these years…”

“And him?? What about him?”

She looked away, scared that she may have to tell him. He held her and pulled her close.

“Did you love him as much as you loved me? Tell me... I need to know….  Did you love him?” He shook her hard.

“No…never… I have always loved you. I do even today!”

Her last few words were drowned as she felt his lips come crashing on hers, first violently, then becoming gentle. She felt herself falling into a bottomless pit. She felt his hands caressing her arms and she linked hers around him as they were swept away by passion, longing and pent up emotions of the last few years getting the better of them. They clung to each other as the sun came up.

The next time he woke up she wasn’t there with him. He quickly got dressed pulling over one of her over sized tees that was lying around, just like old times… and went off to look for her…

“Coffee?” she asked smiling shyly as she went about making coffee and breakfast.

They were drinking their second cup, when the door to the kids room opened and Ayon came out rubbing his eyes. He looked at him for the first time and smiled for the first time, as if finding a man in their household was a natural phenomenon. He went and hugged his mother and then did the unthinkable, he went and asked Neel to pick him up. Doing as he was told, he put Ayon on his lap and he looked across to her.

“Funny Ayon reacted like that! He never trusts people so completely. He must really like you to go and sit on your lap!”

Neel beamed, to think he struck a chord with her kids made him feel happy, especially because now he felt like he was a part of this happy picture! Despite having made peace with Noyona, his heart ached and he didn’t know why, he kept feeling that something was amiss but he just couldn’t place just what and it eat at his heart!

“So how old are you Ayon?”

“He will turn two next month.” She blurted before she could think things through and for a moment he looked dazed and a strange look passed but since he went on to speak on other things she silently said a prayer and heaved a sigh of relief!

Meanwhile Aankhi had woken up and decided to be in a cranky mood, since Neel seemed to be quite a hit with her, she left her with him and went to make breakfast.

“Fried eggs just the way you like it!” she said as she put his plate of eggs in front of him.

“So who are the other fried eggs for…. You like your eggs in a French omlette if I remember correctly!”

“ Yes I still do… its just that kids seem to like the eggs the way you do!” the moment the words were out of her mouth she regretted it for his face clouded and he looked up giving her a quizzing look.

“What I simply meant was… they donot like eggs in any other form, that’s a fine coincidence you share with them.”

Later he joined her when she was doing the dishes and hugged her. The kids had gone down to the park with the maid so that gave them some time alone.

“So… don’t you have to go home… what are you going here loitering? I don’t want the police at my doorstep looking for you okay… I have kids to bring up!” she said jokingly but he seemed not in a mood to joke.

“Don’t worry about that. I am not expected back until tomorrow so leave that to me. Why do I get the feeling that you are not telling me something Noyona? There is something that is taking place and I can’t seem to put my finger onto what.”

“What do you mean?” She said quivering trying her best to remain normal. 

“Tell me about him…. You never really spoke about him. Where did you two meet? When did you get married? What happened? Why did he walk out? Was he there when the kids were born?”

“It’s been a long time Neel… I don’t really want to talk about it… its rather painful.” She said turning away from him but he had already seen the fear in her eyes.

“Or is there nothing about him to tell me Noyona? Does he even exist?” His voice becoming threatening by the minute.

“He does. We met, decided to get married, things didn’t work out… and he left. Later I found out I was pregnant with the kids. That’s all there is to this. And can we talk on something else now Neel?”

“So how come there are no pictures anywhere of him and you? And when did all this happen? Soon after you left me? How could you? And you say you have always loved me??”

“Neel we had our separate lives, I never judged yours and I thought you wouldn’t judge mine. And tell me is this why you came back for? To ask what made me fall in love again? To torture me about my choices in life?”

“That has never been my intension and even you know that… but tell me Noyona. When is it that you met him? Or is it because of him that you left me? Because this equation of time never really matches up! You getting married and divorced, pregnant with kids, who turn two next month all in a span of three years… isn’t that too quick?”

She paled and bit her lips, her knuckles had become white from clutching at the kitchen counter. This did not miss his eyes. He came close and grabbed hold of her in a vice like grip and stared straight into her eyes.

“They are mine aren’t they?”

“Who?? What are you talking about? Leave me alone… its hurting me….”

“Don’t lie anymore… Aankhi and Ayon… they are my kids aren’t they?? Tell me…. Don’t lie… just tell me… I want to know if I am the father… tell me Noyona…I deserve to know and you know that!” he shook her.

“Yes… yes.. Aankhi and Ayon are your kids…” She barely whispered, scared at his reaction, the weight of the last three years got to her as she broke down in inconsolable sobs! He just stood there shell shocked as if life was sucked out of him!

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you out. You didn’t have to do this alone, and I had told you we would tackle this together if this situation ever happened. Then why didn’t you tell me anything about it?!”

“Neel I knew it even then what I was doing?”

“You mean to tell me, you had planned this all along? That you purposely cut me out of your life, had my kids and blocked me out of the lives of my own flesh and blood. Don’t you think I deserved to know and then decide if I wanted to be a part of it or not?”

“Why are you overreacting Neel? What could you have done anyway if you had known?”

“Then this situation wouldn’t have happened! You wouldn’t have been in this mess!”

“But don’t you see? This was never a mess for me. I wanted to have Aankhi and Ayon. It was my choice. Yes it was my way of getting back at fate which would never let me have you… don’t you see?”

“No I don’t… I don’t know what to feel angry about. You cutting me off your life, denying me of you, of having my kids or keeping me away from their life too.. What a sadist you are Noyona… how selfish can you be? Did you for once think of me and how I would feel about this?? Did it occur to you that I would want to be a part of your life and theirs too? Are you not denying them of a normal life?”

“I knew the scores from the beginning Neel and I gave you your old life back sans the complications. And as for the kids, what they have never known they won’t miss. For them I am enough. And for me being selfish, for once I lived for myself and I donot regret it!”

He looked livid, ready to kill. Then the look was just gone, he quietly went into her room only to return a few minutes later dressed in his clothes, he picked up his cell phone and left without a word. She dissolved into tears, sobs racking her body as she heard the door bang and close in on her. Her carefully planned life was falling apart yet again!

 ~*~

Half a Life! 3

Feeding kids while they are engrossed in watching cartoon on tv can be a daunting task. Specially if it was a Friday and you have had a long week at work and all you wanted to do was to crash in bed, after a nice shower, pulling up the sheets and reading a book until sleep took over! She didn’t really mind because even these little things gave her immense pleasure. It kept her mind off a lot of things; it became a reason for the joys in her life. As she was clearing the table the bell rang, wondering who it could be at this hour she gingerly washed her hands to get to the door.

As he rang the doorbell, he knew he would cave in any time. The past ten days had been harrowing to say the least, with countless meetings, travelling to and fro, her thoughts plaguing his mind. He felt angry, possessive, calm, distressed and totally devastated in regular succession thinking about her. How could she just calmly walk out of his life and then begin afresh. Anger and jealously tore at him and he wanted answers. Later, much later did he allow himself to think of her, of her happiness and her wishes. She carved her life just the way she wanted and she was happy and a part of him was at peace, felt a lot less guilty. But nothing could stop the thoughts that questioned him, how she could unfeelingly begin life afresh, didn’t she ever think of him while doing so? Was he ever important to her? Was she then lying when she said he was the one and she could never be with anyone else? Bitch! Yes that’s what she is or else why would she never try and find out how he has been all these years? He thought of her all the time, his mind kept replaying their life together; so much that he had memorized everything, every little detail. But at the end of 10 days he couldn’t contain himself. He had to find out for himself and he didn’t really care if she was prepared to answer them or if he was there with her. He needed to talk and he didn’t know any other way but this!

“What are you doing here?” A very surprised Noyona exclaimed while turning pale. She had never imagined he would come and find her. It has been 10 days and she assumed that by now the worst was over, and life would resume at the normal pace. But she was in for a rude shock

.

“I need to talk! Can I come in?”

“But… it’s late…”

“Look I think I made my intensions very clear… I am not going to rape you. It’s been a hectic 10 days, I’m exhausted and ready to pass out and in this state I wouldn’t be able to rape you even if I wanted to! And you know forcing myself on people, that has never been my style… and in any case people succumb to my charms… as you might remember!” He said smiling cheekily.

Mortified and blushing she moved back to allow him to come in and gestured him to make himself comfortable on the sofa while she went to tend to the kids who were now becoming restless as it was nearing bed time.

“Is it okay that I am here? I mean will he mind if he knew I was here? I mean… I’m sure you know what I mean right?” He said hesitantly.

Startled for a minute, she looked up “no it’s okay… I‘ll just get the kids to wash up and be back…”

“You want me to help?”

“No thanks I’ll manage…”

Here let me…. I‘ll carry her and you can carry him… I feel so shameless… I didn’t ask you their names..”

“Aankhi and Ayon…”

“Hmm… you had always wanted to name your daughter Aankhi haven’t you… Aankhi and Ayon…. Beautiful names…”

As he leaned over to pick Aankhi up he noticed a nervous look pass between mother and son, and Noyona was quick to reassure Ayon that it was okay that Aankhi was being picked up. The little girl however had no inhibitions; she gurgled gleefully, wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face against him. His heart twisted painfully and his throat became dry, he had no clue why he felt overwhelmed with emotions. Was it because he still couldn’t believe that this was Noyona’s kids? The Noyona who was wild, alive, constantly chattering, driving him crazy, whose love was all consuming. The Noyona who loved with abandonment, who had welcomed him in her life without any promises, she let him in a place where she had not let anyone else even come close. The youthful Noyona, as pretty as ever with those same kohl rimmed eyes, was almost the same but she was only quieter, more serious and had two lovely kids. Kids that could have been his 

reality!

He sighed as he opened the faucet to let water run, as he rinsed Ankhi’s mouth. He gently carried her into the room which looked like it belonged to the kids and sat down with her, as Noyona was busy with Ayon. In no time, he had seen all her toys, the names were known too and she was totally unaffected by a stranger in her private space. Instead she seemed eager to forge a bond with him, her little fingers played with the chain around his neck as he read to her. Soon Noyona walked in with Ayon, and putting him on the bed, she sat down.

“The kids don’t sleep with you?”

“No of late I’m trying to make them sleep in a different room. Sooner or later they would have to, and anyway Ayon takes care of her. He is the mature one of the two so I have nothing much to worry! Moreover they have a habit of sneaking into my room in the wee hours of the morning. So that’s how I begin the day. That partly cures my guilt of making them sleep in a different room.” She blabbered nervously.

He smiled, “A good thing you know… gives you room for some time alone too…” he winked at her and she blushed at his insinuation.

“I had almost forgotten to ask, do you want something to eat? I haven’t eaten too… “

“Are you sure it won’t be a problem that I’m here... It’s already around 9pm. I’d hate it if I caused problems for you”

“No its okay, don’t worry. Can you watch over the kids while I heat dinner? Just sit with them; they will fall asleep on their own,”

“Yeah okay…”

The moment she asked him to watch over her kids her heart winced. She even in her wildest dreams could have ever imagined that someday life would bring her face to face with him again. She thought that day at the airport was the last she saw of him, the last she would ever see him. But she was wrong. She saw him everywhere, he was ever present, he was there in Ayon, he was there in Ankhi. He was there in her memories. She was a fool to think that she could deceive fate and have the kids all to herself. That someday she would never have to share them with him. A part of her was angry but another part of her understood that there were things that were beyond her.

With the kids off to sleep, they finally sat down to eat. This entire family scene was getting to her, because she had carefully built her life from scratch and she didn’t want to disrupt any of that with his sudden appearance. But she knew this was temporary, her stint here would last another few days and then they would go back to the life they had embarked together. Then this will be just another memory, a cruel joke by fate

.

“So how have you been?” His voice startled her and she broke out of her reverie.

“I have been fine, with the kids and work. Life is good. So how are things on your end? And Ria?” she smiled weakly.

“She has been good, grown up and all. Work is good too, I have been busy. Just returned from a trip, and as you can see I’m completely exhausted…”

There was an eerie silence and unable to bear it any long he asked.

“So where is he? What does he do? Is it okay that I am here?”

“It’s fine that you are here. He is not around, never really been around.”

Something unsettled him and he could just not put a finger on to just what. Then he understood, the unhappiness in her eyes, the lack of smile…. She must have loved him a lot… with that realization came a stab in his gut, she has never really loved him as much. Why would she? I made no promises to her. Maybe he had…

“So when did you move in to this city? You came here for work?”

“I came here a couple of months back…for a short time though. Have some assignments to finish.”

He offered to help in clearing up the table but she would hear none of it. Reluctantly he went and made himself comfortable on the sofa. When she had finished her chores, she came to sit beside him with two bowls of ice cream only to find him fast asleep. The sight was very ordinary for her… she remembered so many such evenings, when they would stay up to talk, make passionate love and then she would watch him sleep. So many years later, she still watched over him as he slept only this time a lot had changed. She tried waking him up fearing that he may have to head home, but after his garbled reply that no-one was expecting him home and that he needed to sleep. She just made him comfortable and pulling a blanket over him and went into her room.

To be continued…