Masked

i see them putting up a facade
i see their fangs behind their smiles
their words can kill,
and stares can pierce.
they are there, everywhere,
in every walk of life.
hooded and dark
slipping in and out of shadows
they will intrude your mind
rape your thoughts
push you deeper into the dreary depths of nothingness
they will extract your everything
they will violate your very being.

Love,Career and Relationships

i have watched Love Aj Kal a couple of weeks back, and i have been meaning to write something regarding my perception of modern day relationships but what finally makes me write this post is not just the movie but what my prof at college had to say in our class. before i go on to my take on this whole "love,career and relationship" topic lemme assure you the prof I'm talking about is someone i really respect and admire but it is one of the things she said that got me thinking.

This professor kept on telling us in class [and she does this almost everyday] that if you have be a good journo what you need to do is, chuck your boy friends and girl friends to leave you alone for the remaining 9 months.

in love aj kal, Meera and Jai decide to call off their relationship, even though it was great and was working fine but because they had to shift to a different city and it would be inconvenient.

i am no one to pass judgements on todays youth, im no moral police... but when it comes to me i can speak for myself. i somehow find these two incidents really strange. im in a really hectic course where stress rules high, no time to spare and no personal space but even then i never fail to take time out, after i am done with my studies and work to talk to my guy or my parents or my loved ones..

my point is, life now is competitive, far more than the generation or two before. where its cut throat competition, but that does not mean one gives up human emotions and relationships in favour of a career or better life. one of the most important words in life is balance. nothing is possible without balance. a career is really not worth it if one doesn't have someone or loved one to share it with, the successes or the failures, the moments of achievement or utter dejection... in the same time I'm not in favour of an idle life with no direction.

what do you think? is career more important or love? or a mix of both? what would have been your choice and why?

Happy Birthday Vinu!

He is one of my very close blogger friends... he is what i would call ATF... Any Time Friend... before i landed in Bangalore i had some 10,000,000 queries... from bus routes to places.. and he was forever helpful... but what touched me most about this friend of mine was... he remembered when i was to turn up in his city... he regularly checked on me... he actually helped me do an assignment, he met me up at a short notice and for a really short time... but he never complained not even when he wanted to talk to me and i told him some 100 times that i was in class or busy. he is relentless and patient as a friend someone who makes you feel at home no matter what... he has been just wonderful specially during my illness here...

Today as my special friend celebrates his birthday! here's wishing him the best in life.. may all good things happen to him for he deserves nothing but the best!

lots of love and luck

~Phoenix~

One month Anniversary

Me

Today is Independence day but that is not the only reason why this day is so significant to me. today marks one whole month of my leaving home. before you cringe, let me promise you, yes this is about leaving home but its primarily about my evolution and my journey of life in the past one month. So i wont go yapping about home and me feeling homesick.

Deepi and Vaidu

Earlier i couldn't conceive of a day when i would have to live a life away from home. i thought i would just perish just missing home. but now one month has passed, almost in a blink of an eye, and i realized that i have slipped into a life which i was probably destined to live. i think somewhere i have taken my stay here as a long long excursion maybe that's why it isn't affecting that much or maybe i keep too busy to even realize. i assure you problems are there, i do cry myself to sleep at times or i just break down whenever i try and take time alone; but pushing those moments aside its okay, I'm fine here, i do enjoy myself. i have realized unlike most i will always miss home and pine for it but there will also be millions of such moments when i will be happy, i will smile and laugh. here i have made friends or i have some very familiar faces who are now a part of my new life. a life which is what i wanted its so my type, the discipline, the punctuality with which the whole system runs. the meal times when we all gather together, laughing and talking, we often eat from others plate, we cry, we hug, we go for walks and these unknown people somewhere are like family. the bonds may not be that strong or close but these people do smile when you walk in... they ask about your health, they appreciate what you wear. its fun getting dressed for seminars and conferences, where all the girls help each other to fix their hair or make up. the guys are always at the TT board playing. we often play carom with the guards and it turns really noisy... its fun in a way. even far away from home i have made friends who care, Deepi actually woke up one night when i was sick, hearing me choke in my sleep. she got me medicines and woke me up to feed it to me... Vaidehi always locks my cupboard for me because i keep forgetting to do it... in turn i do what little i can to help them out, for better or for worse these people are my family now and it may not be great but life's good here.

Roomies: Deepi,ME,Shephu,Anu and Vaidu

Its been a month now.. i still couldn't believe it when i woke up this morning. everyone else was sleeping in.... it felt strange. i looked around me... there was Deepi and Vaidu sleeping curled up in their blankets, and i smiled its a regular sight for me now, and that reminded me at one time regular sight to me was waking up to find my niece curled up to me... thinking about her i looked at my watch it was 7.35 then i let my mind drift to a month back and i closed my eyes to recount what happened over a month back... this very day....

Samik

I can vividly remember, it was a cloudy day, my sister had already arrived to spend the day with me... and i was hurriedly getting dressed to meet Samik. we had gone to our favourite breakfast joint, and sipping tea he told me that was the last time i was drinking tea with him. even then it hadn't really sunk in that i was leaving that very day in a few hours, and i calmly smiled at him. it was later that the realization came, i kept staring at Samik, drinking in his sight, memorising how there were little wrinkles when he smiled, his forever sleepy eyes... i broke down several times in reckless sobs, but he was there strong as a stone, many times i had wondered if all his concerns about me leaving was just a formality? for he never betrayed any emotion. i understood later that he was being strong for me. it was only when i spoke to him from the station and he was leaving office that he broke down asking me if i was really leaving home and i couldn't reply only the announcements of a railway station filled the unspoken moments. it was really hard. i didn't know what i was doing. at that moment i regretted choosing such dreams that took me away from my loved ones. i didn't want it, if i could i would have dumped it all and just been by samik. but he evolved into a mature man and encouraged me to go on and fulfill my childhood dreams... he gave me hope and i knew i had to sail through this one year and rush back to be with him...


I had settled in my seat and came out to meet my folks and tears just wouldn't stop, just thinking about that day brings back more tears. as the train started pulling off i broke down... A MONTH HAS PASSED SINCE THEN.....it all seems surreal to me now.... immediately thinking about leaving home, I'm reminded of my first two days here. i remember how excited i was to walk down the slope to my hostel, pulling my suitcase behind me. i was greeted by so many people whom until then i had met only online, it was great. the next day officially all the others trooped in and those who had stayed back the day before like me, we helped the others drag their luggage and unpack. it was amazing... that night all of us roomies we stayed up huddled in two narrow beds, munching and talking about our lives, it was 3 in the morning when we stopped and realized we have been talking since 9 the last night. its funny how life changes and how we fall in place even in a new life.

Vaidu aka Vaidehi

Now my day begins with Vaidu's alarm ringing and i sit up to see Vaidu waking up too, or she comes over to wake me or vice versa.... the initial days of being prim and proper has given way to being absolutely shameless with each other, photo sessions are the order of the way [check my orkut pics... i dunno why but i cant upload pics to facebook :(] life is difficult and challenging. but i am alive and i hope someday all the goals that i had set for myself are realized and all the things that so burden me give way to a brighter tomorrow.... someday i will smile back at my life here and take forward many beautiful memories from my new life at IIJNM. someday... i will go home... :)

P.S- Wishing you all a very Happy Independence Day!

A-Z Tag

Was bored and had nothing to do... so i had done it some 20 days back... but couldnt find time to publish it until now :D :)

A- always and forever... Samik [boy! i miss him!! :( ]

B- Best friends... one who are there to stay...till eternity

C- calculative and conceited people who are a pain in the ass

D- Digha of which i have brilliant memories... :)

E- enigmatic... i love people who are enigmatic

F- Freaky and fun loving... my roomies!!

G - gadha... deepi [deepika; my roomie] says best friends na gadho kay jayse hotein hai :P she is mad!!! what she meant was, friends are relentlessly hardworkin.. :P

H- harem pants... thats what i have got on now.. these are nice funky and comfortable too!

I- ice cream i soo love them...

J- for jeans... a nice comfy jeans and a tee...ideal attire for anything and everything other than seminars and reporting :P

K- kaminay... saaley IIJNM waley kaam kara kara kay maar daalenge... :P

L- LOU [love]... that i feel for samik

M- money... i need to make a huge pile and give it to the bank :(

N-night ... i miss talking through the night with Samik..midnight calls are amazing

O- omnipresent.... thats love for me.... i carry my love [samik and the wealth of feelings we harbour for each other, wherever i am.. its just there...

P-puchka... i soo miss the puchkas we used to get way back in kolkata

Q-quilt... the nice and warm one.. under which i slip and go off to la la land

R-Raka and thats me...

S- SAMIK .....ALL MINE!!!

T-tying the knot... marriage seems like a better option to me than journalism.. they are working us to our graves here

U-understanding.. which samik has Finally developed!! :D

V- Valentine's Day... i love to LOU [love]... the gifts,cards and the chocolates!! ooff! :D

W-the Titan Watch Samik had gifted me on Valentines Day

X-the X rated people that infest "my world"

Y-yummy home food that i soo miss :(

Z-Zenith that's where i wanna reach...

Anyone interested in this Tag can take it up!!

P.S- i have thought of a post which i ll post soon... right now i had just 5 minute free time so i thought it would be best to post this tag which has been languishing in my drafts for long... hopefully a new post will be up tomorrow evening or on Saturday morning... tadaaaa!! :)

My funny moment

I think i have nagged and bored you guys to death with all my sordid tales and homesickness... and for once i need a breather... so here is a funny anecdote i was wanting to write for long but never managed to do it... :)


Somehow i always thought i was this prim and proper girl... and i always do my utmost to appear as impeccable as possible and what in turn happens is whenever i want something not to happen it does..

i was not in best of my mood while coming to Bangalore in a train...moreover there were guys my age... who were wondering the cause of the tearful farewell i got when i left...and not just that they were trying to draw my attention by playing loud music .. chatting or making a racket... there i was either on my berth or on the top side bunk trying to read or listen to music alternatively... when the last day dawned... when we were supposed to disembark... i was carefully climbing the runks of the iron ladder of the bunk and on the last step i just leapt on the ground... the last thing i wanted was for the guys, who were noting my every step, to stare shamelessly at my exposed midriff. but hell that's what happened...as i jumped off the last rung my tee got caught on the top rung and as i got off the ground a part of my tee was still caught at the ladder and i was there for them to oogle at...damn! i dont know how i did it..but somehow i managed to yank off my tee and bury myself in the newspaper refusing to even look at the blokes... there was a hushed silence from their coup too and hell it was embarrassing..

when i saw these guys take a prepaid cab and leave... i heaved a sigh of relief, praying that, that was the last time i met them in life...this really really was one of those moments you wish never ever came back again..god i wish that was the last time i saw the whole bunh!!sheesh! :P

tell me a funny moment in your life? something that embarrassed you but when you looked back you had a hearty laugh?

Lonely

This is going to be a long sentimental post so if you are not in a mood to read a rant or be sensitive to my woes then id warn you to keep off...

I have had a certain someone tell me that i am selfish and i think only about myself as i am too careeristic, enough not to think of anyone but me. it has been more than 2 days since i was told this and it has still not left me. yes there was hurt and immense anguish and somewhere i tried to evaluate myself. today, thankfully is the only day we don't have an assignment in college. so since i was free i tried to steal sometime alone. now if you are in a hostel that too in a secluded place there are hardly anytime alone, for where ever you go you always bump into someone or the other.


i am in Bangalore, a place where hopefully all my childhood dreams will be realized. i am miles and miles away from home. where despite feeling homesick i can never even think of home because i am reminded of the cost at which i am where i am, and i can never burden my folks with my tales of missing home...I'm loving what i am doing now...though the work pressure is immense...i often feel challenged to come up with a better story idea, to perform my best all the time... and it is not only because it has been my dream, but because there are so many responsibilities on me. my parents who have allowed me to make my dreams come true.. and my dreams comes with a hefty sum of money for which i have to be responsible..moreover if i screw up... all those people who have underestimated me wins and i cant afford that.


it is sad when people don't know and don't try and understand you. but it is even sadder when people know and say they understand when they don't. the person who told me i am selfish does not know he is talking about, despite knowing me so well. here i am scared shit of being in a city i know nothing of, at all. i try and learn my way each time i am left alone in the city trying to rack my brains for a story idea which is not only worth reporting but which will be somewhat better than the rest. the pressure of outdoing myself, to perform my given task, to be innovative and to meet deadlines is too stressful for words, there are days when we go without much sleep, and the semester has not even started and they say this is just the beginning.


Each evening as the classes end and we take a breather for a few minutes before doing our assignments i steal sometime alone in nooks and crevices of deserted part of college so that i can be alone.it is there in my own little hideout where i look out into the horizon, where the sun sets far away, the wind ruffles my hair and all i can hear is the breeze swishing past and everywhere i look, all i see is miles and miles of greenery and not a soul in sight. one who says i only think of myself and nothing else, doesn't know how hard it is to be in a new place and not having a soul she is close to. where despite being in a crowd she is lonely. where not a soul understands her nor do they try and do so. where there is hardly someone she can talk, share and be herself with. where every time one takes a spoonful of food into her mouth, tears threaten to spill with the taste and quality of food. where the beds are too narrow for comfort. where every time you open your eyes into the night, you do so because either some one's phone is ringing or some one's alarm just went off and she is sleeping through it, or someone is just going bonkers and creating a racket. he who makes such comments has always lived in the comforts of home and does not know how hard it is to share a room with five other strangers trying to adjust. he surely doesn't know how fatiguing it is to do 9am-5pm classes, then assignments and then come home do the chores and yet wake up next morning at the crack of dawn without complaining to prepare herself for the news quiz....... he surely has no idea what it feels like lying in the bed sick with no-one to talk to, no one who can take care of her, or even offer her water to drink.


I feel homesick but i am trying to adjust to keep a smile on my face, not just because this is the life i want but because i can never quit because too many people, and their happiness and future depends on what i do and not just my life. i can quit breaking down under tremendous stress but i can never do it because i have too many people pinning their hopes on me, and too many people who expect me to fail...my life is no longer just mine.. it has never been so.... its utterly painful when people don't make an attempt to read between the lines, or to hear the unspoken words. and it hurts even more when someone you love is the same one who refuses to understand you, despite the trillions of things you do for him, despite the kind of hectic life you lead..

Perceptions

We often form perceptions of people from our initial interactions with them
but it is only when we have to deal with the same from close quarters
that we realize what they truly are!
and i learned it the hard way!
Phew! living in the hostel is pretty crappy!

Happy Friendships Day!

Wishing you all a very happy F R I E N D S H I P S day!!
thank you for putting up with a moron like me!! :D
I value each and everyone of you..
and thankyou for making life so much better..

love Phoenix

Scribbles

Scribbles while a guest lecturer was lecturing us on the cultural heritage of Bangalore... no offence to the Bangalorians but it did seem like they were promoting the city A LOT :D :P

Like the lofty breeze
that Saunders in, unannounced
memories visit me, and
time stops

those twinkling city lights
fading fast, as the car rushes on
those misty morning tea sessions
and those late night calls.

mothers heavenly home cooked food
and the comforts of my queen sized bed
the luxuries of home

so many relationships i have left behind
so many hearts have bled
tears of anguish and stifled sobs
is all i have left

its what i have always wanted
i repeatedly remind myself,
but memories keep coming back
making it difficult to rest.

i hunger for a glimpse of home
i thirst for his hugs
life is getting complicated
i wonder if the nightmare will end.

dreams they say come at a price
and I'm serving my time
in hope for a better tomorrow
when life will turn around


they say i will be fine
that this is just a phase
but surviving pangs of homesickness
is easier said than done.

the world swirls around me
i look around dazed
everything moves around
faster, than i can comprehend

tears will dry
time will fly
there will be a time
when my dreams will be realized

it took me 10 minutes to write this one... 4 days to finally find a pc and and another 4 days to finally finish typing... been extremely busy... :)