If you toe the line and just keep mute about your grievances to their perpetrator,you are good.But the moment you stand up for yourself and voice your opinion, you are the vamp.
true friends are those who stick by no matter differences you have.
PS- thats something i realized and this post is not intended at anyone, so please keep your brickbats away! :|
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
The Last Physics Class Of My Life!
Im teaching 6 kids from different classes the youngest one is in class 3, next one is in class 5, then class 6 and 2 kids who are in class 10. when im interacting with them im firm, and funny. so i kinda share a fun and friendly relationship with them, its through them that i re-live my childhood days. every now and then i see myself in them and nostalgia comes visiting again. Reading PJ's post on her school days reminded me of, the last physics class of my life.
We were in the last week of class 10. Every teacher was wrapping up the syllabus. There was an air of finality. School was about to close for the study leave before the boards and it was my last physics class. While most choose to scribble whatever they could, of what the teacher was saying; my friend and i were cutting veggies. we were supposed to have a pinic of sorts and my friend and i, who were'nt too interested in physics were preparing to make aloo chat. the whole class had brought boiled potatoes, some got tomatoes and cucumber and onions and other spices as we had asked them to. while my friend sniffed away to glory while dicing the onions i did a major blunder, i opened the packet of chat masala, and soon everyone was sniffing around to locate the origin of the most awesome smell. And that was it, the concentration was broken. everyone fidgeted to finish the class and pounce on the food. and my last physics class ended, just the way my career as a physicist would [if i ever took that up]; without any useful work done, not that it mattered to me at all :)
its really tough to believe that i have changed so much over the period of time. class 10 was the happiest and the wackiest period of my life, i had lived my life as if there was no tomorrow. i remember how all of us would make a stack of Mills and Boons[MB] and it would then be passed around in a chain so that every one could read one and pass it on to the other. how many MB readings sessions we had in class. those days when id take over the class and with other friends we would put up acts and entertain the class. i wasn't the class clown. instead i was the Vivekananda house[yellow house] vice captain, then captain and the prefect; but i had fun nonetheless. there was a certain zest to living. there was hardly a thing i didn't participate in. id be organizing everything but now in college everything has changed. i hardly bother to participate in anything. i dont even show up for social do's and ive becomes somewhat aloof. alas! with time i guess i lost the sense of fun and retained the serious and matured outlook to life. how i wish id stop being the responsible one and let down my hair and enjoy the way life should be lived.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
JUST CHILL
Nope this is not an angry post. you are wrong this is not a rant. no not surely a sad post!na boss chap nio na. [dont take tension, just chill]
Just chill in bengali is usually said as "chap nio na.." don't take tension :P and this is now the hot phrase for all much to the dismay of our parents. i admit when i first walked into JU [Jadavpur University] i was not that good with Bengali. why? i have studied in a missionary school all my life [read loreto] which didn't allow speaking of regional languages and levied language taxes. but what with having bong friends for the first time i quickly picked up words... and to my parents surprise which soon turned to horror they heard me speaking Bengali and that too colloquial stuff. i was saying things to my dad as " baba chap nio na...." and in a spat i told ma... "dekho motka gorom koro na" [don't make me mad] and another very phrase that became popular was "korbo na" [wont do it, defiantly] it became such a hit with friends that once when dad asked me to get him the newspaper playfully and spontaneously i said "korbo naaa". just imagine i was so red faced left with eating my words and murmuring nothings i went quickly to fetch the morning paper.
These language things are such that it pops out before we can even think. what are the words you guys most use? did you ever have any embarrassing moments??
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
10 rules to be a lady!
I had written on 10 rules to be a perfect gentleman before. i somehow feel that is very unfair on the men to have things written about them and not ladies. so on Vinayak's suggestion here are a few habits and etiquette's that i think a young lady should have, with respect to her position in the society and to the guy she is dating.
1. when a man takes you out, then do offer to pay; if he refuses the offer then let it be. don't assume that the guy should pay each time you people decide to go out. but if the guy insists on paying then let him, don't be pushy, because you may just end up insulting him.
2. remember past is past. everyone has a past. don't bring up your past relationships unless you are asked to, never draw comparisons between the guy you are dating and the guy you had dated. and don't judge the person with the past he has had. remember you are his present and maybe tomorrow.
3. while it is perfectly normal to want to know about the guy you are dating, his whereabouts. but snoop around, suspecting his every move. give him his space too.
4. before you had entered his life, he had a different lifestyle and friends. respect that, don't demand or expect the guy to give up on all his friends to prove to you that he cares. it is unfair on him to give them up, insist that he balance both so as not to neglect one for the other.
5.guys have certain guy things. they would once in awhile want to booze or smoke. they may not be exactly understandable to us girls but to guys however harmful or bad, it is essential for them; so let them do what they want once in awhile.
6.while it is ok to what the best for your guy, to ensure he is going the right thing.don't go overboard with the criticism.
7. its nice to mutter i love yous every now and then to spark the romance, but it is really irritating if you demand that your guy repeats after each and every time you speak. consider that he may not be able to do so, due the people around him or the ambiance he is in at the moment.
8. while its ok to be independent, it is also the duty of the girl to put in an extra bit to make sure the relationship runs smooth, so one must give in once is awhile, only if the guy is truly right. ego issues on who is running the relationship or marriages is strongly advised against.
9. guys have a bad memory. so while it is good to expect them to remember birthdays and anniversaries. don't go overboard remembering, first making out session-anniversary, first holding hand anniversary, your dogs- birthday and so on. it can be highly irritating.
10. while its great to look absolutely gorgeous on your dates. don't forget your brains home when you are out. which means, pay attention to what the guys is saying, strike up a conversation it is as much his responsibility to make the dates special as it is yours, don't be shy and uptight. remember guys appreciate beauty with brains, and girls who know how to be a good friend, for them to be potential girlfriends. don't play hard to get for too long.
when i began the post i was so sure i wouldn't have much to write because i dint think there was much to criticize the girls. but i was wrong :P there are things that girls need to know. :) let me know if i was sordid, or if i managed to be impartial while writing this.
1. when a man takes you out, then do offer to pay; if he refuses the offer then let it be. don't assume that the guy should pay each time you people decide to go out. but if the guy insists on paying then let him, don't be pushy, because you may just end up insulting him.
2. remember past is past. everyone has a past. don't bring up your past relationships unless you are asked to, never draw comparisons between the guy you are dating and the guy you had dated. and don't judge the person with the past he has had. remember you are his present and maybe tomorrow.
3. while it is perfectly normal to want to know about the guy you are dating, his whereabouts. but snoop around, suspecting his every move. give him his space too.
4. before you had entered his life, he had a different lifestyle and friends. respect that, don't demand or expect the guy to give up on all his friends to prove to you that he cares. it is unfair on him to give them up, insist that he balance both so as not to neglect one for the other.
5.guys have certain guy things. they would once in awhile want to booze or smoke. they may not be exactly understandable to us girls but to guys however harmful or bad, it is essential for them; so let them do what they want once in awhile.
6.while it is ok to what the best for your guy, to ensure he is going the right thing.don't go overboard with the criticism.
7. its nice to mutter i love yous every now and then to spark the romance, but it is really irritating if you demand that your guy repeats after each and every time you speak. consider that he may not be able to do so, due the people around him or the ambiance he is in at the moment.
8. while its ok to be independent, it is also the duty of the girl to put in an extra bit to make sure the relationship runs smooth, so one must give in once is awhile, only if the guy is truly right. ego issues on who is running the relationship or marriages is strongly advised against.
9. guys have a bad memory. so while it is good to expect them to remember birthdays and anniversaries. don't go overboard remembering, first making out session-anniversary, first holding hand anniversary, your dogs- birthday and so on. it can be highly irritating.
10. while its great to look absolutely gorgeous on your dates. don't forget your brains home when you are out. which means, pay attention to what the guys is saying, strike up a conversation it is as much his responsibility to make the dates special as it is yours, don't be shy and uptight. remember guys appreciate beauty with brains, and girls who know how to be a good friend, for them to be potential girlfriends. don't play hard to get for too long.
when i began the post i was so sure i wouldn't have much to write because i dint think there was much to criticize the girls. but i was wrong :P there are things that girls need to know. :) let me know if i was sordid, or if i managed to be impartial while writing this.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Stressed!!
I've been planning to pen down a lot of things but unfortunately due to time constraint i'm unable to do so. so if you find me writing a little crap here and there, then please overlook it, for a few more days.
My college has finally reopened after the hols and it is anything but fun! its my third and last year here in JU. a few more months and i graduate. year ending is a little hectic for me. so many applications to put in. keeping tabs of all the colleges i will be applying for, and to start preparing for it. my uncle persuaded me to sit for a management entrance exam, and i was really reluctant, reason: dreaded maths which i cant do even to save my life. but i gave it a good thought and I'm going to apply for MAT, just to give it a shot, and see if HR comes beckoning to me. rest is up to god! advertising/ journalism/ cultural studies or HR, i haven't a clue. but then i cant really make a choice now. after all beggars cannot be choosers. and who knows what i am destined for. i just hope something happens. this whole graduating thing and applications for PG course is leaving me stressed and extremely fatigued. so i have to sit down to do maths now, at least i can try.
Moreover i have just two more weeks, this week and next, of classes before college closes for study leave and the first week of December i have my semesters. so does that mean im going to be irregular here on blogging circuits? well not not even a chance. these two weeks, straight after hols im loaded with classes, extra classes and more tests, and quite a few books remaining to be done still. if this wasnt enough i have to manage my 6 students whom i teach, yeah you have heard it right! i teach kids. no, i'm not finished yet, its such a shame really to come online, and not be able to spend considerable time,with so many of my blogger friends who are online,i request you to please bear with me, for just a few more days; because with loads to studies, and blogs to write, read and comment, i'm hardly getting any time at all for myself. now i have started getting up 2 hours earlier to study and read and comment on blogs. so practically i'm getting just about 4-5 hours of sleep.i'm a wreck really.zombie would be more appropriate! :P
i just hope i don't go absolutely insane and all you people don't run every time you see my blog has been updated, because yes i may rant to vent my frustration. but i promise to write relevant stuff too :)
Sunday Anil Kumble announced his retirement, after the tea break during the last day test match at Kotla, he bowed out. to all the cricket lovers it was an end of an era. i was almost in tears to see him wave for the last time. it wrenched the heart to see a stalwart like Kumble retire, giving in to his injuries. having hurt his fingers, that would render him unable to play the next test; he decided to end his cricketing career in this usual quite calm and grace. his absence will be felt. the next test match will be the last match of another legend,Sourav Ganguly. with two of the greatest players retiring a significant beginning to an end, of an era begins. farewell!
Monday, November 03, 2008
Counting My Many Blessings
I had a super duper sunday yesterday, despite my marathon, record wining time i spent online: 12 hours and 35 minutes. at the end of the day i had a terrible headache, my back pained so bad that i could barely sit, and my eyes watered profusely but it was well worth it because i had a really rocking time. and this post is dedicated to all those super cute, super nice and exceptional human beings, my blogger mates who have brought happiness, smiles and joy to my life. :D
Harshita - she has been an absolute angel. a reservoir of all things positive, one cant help but be influenced by easy charm, and the absolute love for life. we have been chatting for some days now but to me she is the one person i just need to talk once a day, to refill my energies. she is an absolute inspiration for a depression prone person like me, to face life smilingly. "share a smile" is her mantra and she follows it piously. i recommend all and sundry to befriend Santy.. oh i mean... saint harshita ji... :P and you guys should read the kind of things we say to each other.... will make all you naughty people drool! really food for your dirty thoughts... check the comment of this blog, like is here
Hemu- we were strangers, first timers in each others blog. we emailed and added up each other in the gtalk list and soon we were talking all day. and by evening we were like two friends who had been knowing each other for ages. he is simple in his ways, warm and friendly and extremely easy to talk to. thanks sweetheart for being my friend! i hope i never let you down!
Chris- is a real challenge to talk to.one has to match up to his wit and sharpness of his mind. truly, i just felt that he could look right through me. but a big thanks to him; for pushing me forward, teaching and guiding me to take chances and forget the failures or rejection that could come my way. thanks Chris for motivating me!
Pj- she completed her 50th post! and she is one smashing blogger! must read her to belive the kind of potential this girl has. truly commendable! here is wishing her many more posts!
When im writing a slightly sentimental post on my blog friends,do you think i wont mention Buzz? well i spoke to saroo and for the first time i realized how wrong my allegations were, that he doesnt reciprocate my feeling. talking to him yesterday really helped. you made me realize that no matter what happens in friendship, somethings like genuine feelings never really die out. for you id like to dedicate a song " tu hi toh meri dost hai" from Yuvraj
thanks a ton everyone for not only making my sunday super but helping me caste aside gloomy thoughts and to be the reason for my smile.. :D
Harshita - she has been an absolute angel. a reservoir of all things positive, one cant help but be influenced by easy charm, and the absolute love for life. we have been chatting for some days now but to me she is the one person i just need to talk once a day, to refill my energies. she is an absolute inspiration for a depression prone person like me, to face life smilingly. "share a smile" is her mantra and she follows it piously. i recommend all and sundry to befriend Santy.. oh i mean... saint harshita ji... :P and you guys should read the kind of things we say to each other.... will make all you naughty people drool! really food for your dirty thoughts... check the comment of this blog, like is here
Hemu- we were strangers, first timers in each others blog. we emailed and added up each other in the gtalk list and soon we were talking all day. and by evening we were like two friends who had been knowing each other for ages. he is simple in his ways, warm and friendly and extremely easy to talk to. thanks sweetheart for being my friend! i hope i never let you down!
Chris- is a real challenge to talk to.one has to match up to his wit and sharpness of his mind. truly, i just felt that he could look right through me. but a big thanks to him; for pushing me forward, teaching and guiding me to take chances and forget the failures or rejection that could come my way. thanks Chris for motivating me!
Pj- she completed her 50th post! and she is one smashing blogger! must read her to belive the kind of potential this girl has. truly commendable! here is wishing her many more posts!
When im writing a slightly sentimental post on my blog friends,do you think i wont mention Buzz? well i spoke to saroo and for the first time i realized how wrong my allegations were, that he doesnt reciprocate my feeling. talking to him yesterday really helped. you made me realize that no matter what happens in friendship, somethings like genuine feelings never really die out. for you id like to dedicate a song " tu hi toh meri dost hai" from Yuvraj
thanks a ton everyone for not only making my sunday super but helping me caste aside gloomy thoughts and to be the reason for my smile.. :D
Sunday, November 02, 2008
PHEW!
What with the story now over, there is a sense of relief though i admit i feel a void there in me. The last few days i have been obsessing about the characters, what can they be saying in a particular situation, what can bring them together and not. These thoughts have occupied every free waking hour and even sometimes during sleep. yes i was like Geet [Kareena Kapoor in Jab We Met] mumbling away to myself even in sleep. but its nice that the story ended, and ended with a new beginning.
To all those who hasn't already figured it out. yes it was somewhat autobiographical. i would like to clarify, though i know i need not. i cant write on things that i cannot connect to, there is always a part of me, literally; in whatever i write. and this story came at a time when i was going through a tough phase of my life. i wrote this story the way i would have liked mine to end. and i am not ashamed about it.
No matter just how practical or logical i maybe, i am a sucker for romance. i admit again, for those of you who don't know. i am a simple person who cant write any differently, using heavy words or think of unheard plots or tread untrodden path. i am me. and for all those who are disappointed in me. well what can i say! sometimes i just wish i could remain just anonymous and write because i love to and not to win acclaim. sometimes i just wish people who knew me would just let me be me in this place, which to me is my retreat!
Enough of sad and serious stuff which must have driven most of my friends from my blog. and now for something spicy... i'm looking for a companion [read:friend]. good looks doesnt apply, he cant be saroo like buzz who is cold and doesnt reciprocate my feelings [just kidding!]if he is harshita's male counter part nothing more like it! :P but otherwise he has to be sensitive, sensible,warm,and extremely forthright! anyone can apply, you can refer your friends too... so rush your entries now!!! offer valid till i change me mind! so hurry!!
To all those who hasn't already figured it out. yes it was somewhat autobiographical. i would like to clarify, though i know i need not. i cant write on things that i cannot connect to, there is always a part of me, literally; in whatever i write. and this story came at a time when i was going through a tough phase of my life. i wrote this story the way i would have liked mine to end. and i am not ashamed about it.
No matter just how practical or logical i maybe, i am a sucker for romance. i admit again, for those of you who don't know. i am a simple person who cant write any differently, using heavy words or think of unheard plots or tread untrodden path. i am me. and for all those who are disappointed in me. well what can i say! sometimes i just wish i could remain just anonymous and write because i love to and not to win acclaim. sometimes i just wish people who knew me would just let me be me in this place, which to me is my retreat!
Enough of sad and serious stuff which must have driven most of my friends from my blog. and now for something spicy... i'm looking for a companion [read:friend]. good looks doesnt apply, he cant be saroo like buzz who is cold and doesnt reciprocate my feelings [just kidding!]if he is harshita's male counter part nothing more like it! :P but otherwise he has to be sensitive, sensible,warm,and extremely forthright! anyone can apply, you can refer your friends too... so rush your entries now!!! offer valid till i change me mind! so hurry!!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Part 5 [ The Second Chance]
I had been thinking and I finally realized that this time it was me who was being immature. I was running from something that was right there in front of me, instead of facing it. I knew Neel was right, we should at least be cordial to each other if not be friends. But now since I know I was wrong I wanted to make amends but how? I didn’t know where Neel was putting up or have his contact number. But I didn’t have to look too hard, I met him the very next day at the departmental store. This time he stood and started, waited to see if I’d run away or come forward and talk. My palms were sweaty and I felt nervous. But I made my way to him, without faltering, thank god!
“hey! morning”
“g’morning!”
“i..umm.. had a change of heart”
“okay.. and..?”
“hmm and I was like hoping we’d start afresh?”
“does it still hurt that much to admit you were sorry?”
“huh?! No I mean, yeah I was about to admit, I’m sorry, I was sick and a little jittery having you there. And to make amends, I was hoping that you’ have dinner with me?”
“that’s quite a start!” he beamed. “And yes I’ll have dinner with you”
“Friday night at 8pm, my place cya..”
“yeah bye”
Damn! I dropped the salad bowl again! Thankfully it was empty. Boy! I’m nervous. 30 minutes more and he’ll be here, no he doing to be late as usual? Huh? Whatever! Putting the finishing touches I just ran to run me a shower and change into a plain blue jeans and a nice v- necked red tee. You don’t usually dress up for a friend do you? I added the kohl and the lip balm on an after thought and a hint of my favorite perfume. And there I was ready! Still around 5 more minutes to go. I went into the kitchen and set the table. I was just about to check on the food when the door bell rang. O my god! Is this the right thing to do? Suddenly I wasn’t sure. But I had to now open the door and let the man in who did things to her equilibrium. I let him in with a nervous smile.
“changed your mind?”
“no not really.” I blurted. “why don’t you make yourself comfortable?”
Soon he was settled in and I asked him if he would like something to drink. On his request I opened the bottle of expensive vodka that he had brought my very favorite. So he had remembered. As time passed we slowly eased out and the initial awkwardness of being together in a closed space ceased to remain. Maybe it was the vodka that got us talking.
“ so what brought to here to this sleepy town neel?”
“if you think your parents informed me of your whereabouts you are wrong. I just got myself transferred here. To stay back in kolkata with the memories haunting me in every step became too much for me to bear. So I choose this obscure place to begin again. But fate has something else planned. The person I was fleeing from, came right in front of me. Now I understand the suppressed smile your mother gave me when I last met her.”
“You met her? How is she?”
“Yes I did. But how come you don’t know how your mother is? Haven’t you been home?”
“no I haven’t. I couldn’t bring myself to go back, to answer questions about us. I wasn’t ready maybe im still not. Maybe im being selfish and im not being fair to them but needed the time to heal to build my life with shattered pieces”
“That explains it all. I still can’t believe how you left. At first I didn’t even realize your absence. I thought you were again angry over something but will start talking to me when your anger subsides. Then the last time we spoke, you were about to tell me something and I was too busy and impatient to hear you out and I hung up. It was only a week after when I went over to visit you that I was told by your mother that you had left but refused to say where you had gone, she just said that you were not going to come back in a long long time.”
“I tried telling you… I waited for you notice me in agony… I had hoped you would turn over a new leaf to make our relationship work but you never did. Then unble to bear it any longer I just gave up. I tried to make it work but it just didn’t. “
It was when I looked towards you that I saw tears in your eyes, I realized for the first time, maybe he had suffered as much as I had. Maybe this shouldn’t have happened the way it did. I wanted to comfort him, to tell them it’s alright, we’ll see it through, that we will put things right; but I couldn’t. I couldn’t forgive him for the agony I have been through. I couldn’t forget the disdain and disgrace. To be treated as a trophy girlfriend. No I just couldn’t forget but for the first time I forgave Neel for everything I had been through.
“It wasn’t easy, I looked for you everywhere. I waited for you to return but you never did. Anjali, your friend said that she hadn’t heard from you in ages and refused to divulge the details of your whereabouts to me. It was then I realized that you were gone and this relationship really is over.” I didn’t know what to tell him. I understood his agony but I couldn’t do anything to lighten his burden. He went on as if he had to get things off his chest, and I didn’t stop him.
“After the reality sank in, my whole life fell apart. It was as if I was in a trance. For days I wouldn’t return from office. It was Nandini who turned me around. She made me understand why you did what you did. She showed me where I went wrong. My anger towards you changed to that of repentance. I wanted to make things right but I knew you wouldn’t give me another chance for being the jerk I was. then I got myself transferred here. At first I thought I was just imagining you to be there in the store. But the next time I saw you again, during the morning walk; I couldn’t muster the courage to approach you. Moreover you looked content in your life, I didn’t want to disrupt your life in any which way.”
Then you say me again at the café? What made you call me?”
“Yes then I saw you again at the café. I saw how you stiffened when you heard my voice. I didn’t think you will recognize my voice but that small reaction reassured me that you are not indifferent to me. I just wanted to apologize for all the wrongs and was hoping that you would forgive me.”
“I have forgiven you Neel. I know you have gone through the same as I did. I don’t harbor grudges against you. We were both young, we did things that could have done differently. But now why reminisce the past? I think it is the time to heal.”
I said as I got up and went to him, ruffling his hair, affectionately, like I used to do; but this time he didn’t jerk my hand away. Instead he put his arm around me, and buried his face against me. I was taken aback. The gesture wasn’t intimate but the innocence with which it was done, touched me. I couldn’t retrain myself from hugging him close. Tremors rocked his body and then mine. I knew then, I may have tried to block Neel but I haven’t been successful. You can’t lock love away, it always crawls its way back to you heart. Yes, I was still in love with Neel. Once the tears subsided, I tried hesitantly to move away but Neel wouldn’t let me.
“I love you Noyona. Like I have always, loved you. I know I have been less than perfect to you. But give me just one chance to prove myself. Let me show you that I can be the guy you want to be with for the rest of your life. All I ask is to trust me, to have faith that this time I won’t the immature person i was. Life isn’t the same without you, if you say yes, I ll dedicate the rest of my life striving to make life a wonderful experience. And if you refuse, id die a bitter man. Wont you give me just one chance?”
I was silent, tears coursed its way down, leaving behind wet tracks. This time it was him, who came around and hugged me to him. I was enveloped in the arms of a man, who had learnt what it was to loose someone he loved, who had never lost faith in love, who now wanted another chance to put things right. I didn’t want to believe him, but I felt myself succumb to his words that held promises of a new tomorrow. I felt the walls I had so carefully built, crumbling. I dared, for one last time risking my emotions yet again, to let him in. I mumbled,
“yes”
“ noyona? I promise this time never to let you don’t. you wont be disappointed. Trust me this last time.”
“Neel, I said YES. I said I will take a chance”
“you what?”
“I said YES.”
“really?” he looked at me incredulously.
Suddenly I felt like a steam roller engulfing me, I could hardly breathe. My life was almost being squeezed out of me and I struggled to free myself.
“Get off! You moron! You are strangulating me. Neel I can’t breathe. Get off!”
It was as if some miracle had happened, I hadn’t seen Neel so happy, he looked even younger, the naughty spark was back. It warmed my heart to see things finally fall into place. I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes you just need to take the plunge, for not often does life give you a second chance. Once the happiness had sunk in, and initial jubiliation was tamed, I asked Neel,
“Shall we call home?”
“You want to? Are you sure” Neel asked somewhat hesitantly.
“Yes I am sure. I think I’m ready” he just smiled
I picked up the phone gingerly, and dialed home. I wondered how ma would react, it has been awhile since I had called.The phone rang for sometime, and then a sleepy voice came on.
“Hello?? Who is this?”
“Ma it’s me Noyona.”
“What are you doing calling me at this hour? Its 3am”
“Ma I have something to tell you”
“Yes?”
“We are coming home!”
“Huh? What? We?”
“Ma Neel and I are coming home. We are coming home together!”
This time ma was wide awake. I could hear her muted sobs. It was sometime when she spoke. “Finally! I never thought I would see the day! Wait till I tell everyone!”
As we sat in the veranda waiting for dawn to break, Neel hugged me close.
“Today we are going home Noyona! And now everything will fall into place, just trust me!” I didn't reply, but hugged him back, things were finally falling into place.
“hey! morning”
“g’morning!”
“i..umm.. had a change of heart”
“okay.. and..?”
“hmm and I was like hoping we’d start afresh?”
“does it still hurt that much to admit you were sorry?”
“huh?! No I mean, yeah I was about to admit, I’m sorry, I was sick and a little jittery having you there. And to make amends, I was hoping that you’ have dinner with me?”
“that’s quite a start!” he beamed. “And yes I’ll have dinner with you”
“Friday night at 8pm, my place cya..”
“yeah bye”
Damn! I dropped the salad bowl again! Thankfully it was empty. Boy! I’m nervous. 30 minutes more and he’ll be here, no he doing to be late as usual? Huh? Whatever! Putting the finishing touches I just ran to run me a shower and change into a plain blue jeans and a nice v- necked red tee. You don’t usually dress up for a friend do you? I added the kohl and the lip balm on an after thought and a hint of my favorite perfume. And there I was ready! Still around 5 more minutes to go. I went into the kitchen and set the table. I was just about to check on the food when the door bell rang. O my god! Is this the right thing to do? Suddenly I wasn’t sure. But I had to now open the door and let the man in who did things to her equilibrium. I let him in with a nervous smile.
“changed your mind?”
“no not really.” I blurted. “why don’t you make yourself comfortable?”
Soon he was settled in and I asked him if he would like something to drink. On his request I opened the bottle of expensive vodka that he had brought my very favorite. So he had remembered. As time passed we slowly eased out and the initial awkwardness of being together in a closed space ceased to remain. Maybe it was the vodka that got us talking.
“ so what brought to here to this sleepy town neel?”
“if you think your parents informed me of your whereabouts you are wrong. I just got myself transferred here. To stay back in kolkata with the memories haunting me in every step became too much for me to bear. So I choose this obscure place to begin again. But fate has something else planned. The person I was fleeing from, came right in front of me. Now I understand the suppressed smile your mother gave me when I last met her.”
“You met her? How is she?”
“Yes I did. But how come you don’t know how your mother is? Haven’t you been home?”
“no I haven’t. I couldn’t bring myself to go back, to answer questions about us. I wasn’t ready maybe im still not. Maybe im being selfish and im not being fair to them but needed the time to heal to build my life with shattered pieces”
“That explains it all. I still can’t believe how you left. At first I didn’t even realize your absence. I thought you were again angry over something but will start talking to me when your anger subsides. Then the last time we spoke, you were about to tell me something and I was too busy and impatient to hear you out and I hung up. It was only a week after when I went over to visit you that I was told by your mother that you had left but refused to say where you had gone, she just said that you were not going to come back in a long long time.”
“I tried telling you… I waited for you notice me in agony… I had hoped you would turn over a new leaf to make our relationship work but you never did. Then unble to bear it any longer I just gave up. I tried to make it work but it just didn’t. “
It was when I looked towards you that I saw tears in your eyes, I realized for the first time, maybe he had suffered as much as I had. Maybe this shouldn’t have happened the way it did. I wanted to comfort him, to tell them it’s alright, we’ll see it through, that we will put things right; but I couldn’t. I couldn’t forgive him for the agony I have been through. I couldn’t forget the disdain and disgrace. To be treated as a trophy girlfriend. No I just couldn’t forget but for the first time I forgave Neel for everything I had been through.
“It wasn’t easy, I looked for you everywhere. I waited for you to return but you never did. Anjali, your friend said that she hadn’t heard from you in ages and refused to divulge the details of your whereabouts to me. It was then I realized that you were gone and this relationship really is over.” I didn’t know what to tell him. I understood his agony but I couldn’t do anything to lighten his burden. He went on as if he had to get things off his chest, and I didn’t stop him.
“After the reality sank in, my whole life fell apart. It was as if I was in a trance. For days I wouldn’t return from office. It was Nandini who turned me around. She made me understand why you did what you did. She showed me where I went wrong. My anger towards you changed to that of repentance. I wanted to make things right but I knew you wouldn’t give me another chance for being the jerk I was. then I got myself transferred here. At first I thought I was just imagining you to be there in the store. But the next time I saw you again, during the morning walk; I couldn’t muster the courage to approach you. Moreover you looked content in your life, I didn’t want to disrupt your life in any which way.”
Then you say me again at the café? What made you call me?”
“Yes then I saw you again at the café. I saw how you stiffened when you heard my voice. I didn’t think you will recognize my voice but that small reaction reassured me that you are not indifferent to me. I just wanted to apologize for all the wrongs and was hoping that you would forgive me.”
“I have forgiven you Neel. I know you have gone through the same as I did. I don’t harbor grudges against you. We were both young, we did things that could have done differently. But now why reminisce the past? I think it is the time to heal.”
I said as I got up and went to him, ruffling his hair, affectionately, like I used to do; but this time he didn’t jerk my hand away. Instead he put his arm around me, and buried his face against me. I was taken aback. The gesture wasn’t intimate but the innocence with which it was done, touched me. I couldn’t retrain myself from hugging him close. Tremors rocked his body and then mine. I knew then, I may have tried to block Neel but I haven’t been successful. You can’t lock love away, it always crawls its way back to you heart. Yes, I was still in love with Neel. Once the tears subsided, I tried hesitantly to move away but Neel wouldn’t let me.
“I love you Noyona. Like I have always, loved you. I know I have been less than perfect to you. But give me just one chance to prove myself. Let me show you that I can be the guy you want to be with for the rest of your life. All I ask is to trust me, to have faith that this time I won’t the immature person i was. Life isn’t the same without you, if you say yes, I ll dedicate the rest of my life striving to make life a wonderful experience. And if you refuse, id die a bitter man. Wont you give me just one chance?”
I was silent, tears coursed its way down, leaving behind wet tracks. This time it was him, who came around and hugged me to him. I was enveloped in the arms of a man, who had learnt what it was to loose someone he loved, who had never lost faith in love, who now wanted another chance to put things right. I didn’t want to believe him, but I felt myself succumb to his words that held promises of a new tomorrow. I felt the walls I had so carefully built, crumbling. I dared, for one last time risking my emotions yet again, to let him in. I mumbled,
“yes”
“ noyona? I promise this time never to let you don’t. you wont be disappointed. Trust me this last time.”
“Neel, I said YES. I said I will take a chance”
“you what?”
“I said YES.”
“really?” he looked at me incredulously.
Suddenly I felt like a steam roller engulfing me, I could hardly breathe. My life was almost being squeezed out of me and I struggled to free myself.
“Get off! You moron! You are strangulating me. Neel I can’t breathe. Get off!”
It was as if some miracle had happened, I hadn’t seen Neel so happy, he looked even younger, the naughty spark was back. It warmed my heart to see things finally fall into place. I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes you just need to take the plunge, for not often does life give you a second chance. Once the happiness had sunk in, and initial jubiliation was tamed, I asked Neel,
“Shall we call home?”
“You want to? Are you sure” Neel asked somewhat hesitantly.
“Yes I am sure. I think I’m ready” he just smiled
I picked up the phone gingerly, and dialed home. I wondered how ma would react, it has been awhile since I had called.The phone rang for sometime, and then a sleepy voice came on.
“Hello?? Who is this?”
“Ma it’s me Noyona.”
“What are you doing calling me at this hour? Its 3am”
“Ma I have something to tell you”
“Yes?”
“We are coming home!”
“Huh? What? We?”
“Ma Neel and I are coming home. We are coming home together!”
This time ma was wide awake. I could hear her muted sobs. It was sometime when she spoke. “Finally! I never thought I would see the day! Wait till I tell everyone!”
As we sat in the veranda waiting for dawn to break, Neel hugged me close.
“Today we are going home Noyona! And now everything will fall into place, just trust me!” I didn't reply, but hugged him back, things were finally falling into place.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Part 4 [ The Second Chance]
Blocking Neel out was easier said than done. I keep bumping into him. Apparently he stays in my neighborhood itself! Arrgh! Just the thing I didn’t want. We bumped into each other in the only departmental store that the town has, then again at the newspaper stand, where I was pick up the morning paper after the morning walk. We haven’t spoken, just exchanged glances, something flickered when his eyes met mine but then died out.
I have to admit, with time I got used to him being there. At times I wondered what was behind his blank countenance. If I ever let myself talk to him freely, what would he tell me? I rather hoped he would blame me for walking out without a word, or for selfishly deciding the fate of our relationship, but he never did. Knowing that he was around did things to my equilibrium. I wonder if he has gotten under my skin and broken down the steel wall I had built around my heart. We hadn’t spoken in more than a year and half except for that day at the café, but we did speak again and the dam broke.
I had had some left over food some three days old. I’ve been too busy burying myself in work so I didn’t quite pay heed to what I eat. A bout of food poisoning rendered me bedridden. I don’t know how many days I was stranded home, with no one to cook or take care of me, what more do you expect when you are all by yourself, sick in a strange town, with no one to take care of you. It must have been three days, when I heard a knock very early in the morning. It must Mrs. Sen., my neighbor, coming to check on me. So I yelled.
“Come in. I’m in the bedroom.” I could barely manage to get off the bed to greet Mrs. Sen so I lay where I was waiting for her to come in, maybe I could even ask her to make me some soup or coffee, I thought.
“May I come in?” who was that? Not mrs. Sen surely. God! Not some burglar I hoped and prayed and then my mysterious visitor peeped in, and I could just die there and then.
“Neeel… what the hell are you doing here? How did you know where I live? Get out. Now!”
“Stay where you are. Don’t move. You can go on yelling but you would aggravate your illness or you can stay put and let me help you. How long have you been ill? 3 days? You hadn’t come for your regular morning walks so I wondered what you were up to. Thankfully I came in to check.”
I could yell or call someone for help but no-one would be around at such an ungodly hour. So I sulked instead, refusing to answer him. But being taken care of sounded like heaven and in any case I was too weak to even protest, so I did what I was asked to and stayed there as he made himself comfortable and went around, cooking and cleaning. In no time I had steaming soup in front of me.
“You can cook now?”
“Yes I have learned”
“It is good you know.” I said sipping the last spoonful of the soup.
“Really?” he said, as he cleared it off and headed towards the bathroom.
I heard the tap running and wondered what he was up to. Soon he came out with a towel soaked in lukewarm water. I was rather apprehensive of his next move; in any case he was too close for comfort. I almost jumped off the bed when he ordered me to stay and I knew there was no use protesting. He wiped my face with the towel, and my nape. He came back with a rubber band and a comb and combed my hair and braided it and even got me a small mirror to peek in. thank god! I looked decent now, I must have looked like a gypsy when he had come in. I’m sure he had noticed. If he had noticed, he didn’t say anything, just instructed me to take a nap while he ordered me to guide him to a spare key of the house. By now I was feeling way fatigued and all I wanted was to sleep so I did as I was told. Before the door clicked shut he added, almost as an afterthought,
“I’ll be back.” That sounded vaguely like a promise than a statement, I thought as I drifted off.
The next time I woke up it was noon, and true to his work Neel was there slouched on couch near my bed, buried in work, typing furiously on this laptop. Why was he doing so much for me? What were his real intentions? Did ma tell him I was here? Whatever it was I didn’t want him to rekindle the desire and emotions that I had done away with.
“Why are you doing this Neel?” I said feebly
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean, I don’t want to fight but I can’t take this anymore. Tell me why are you doing this?
“I know you don’t want me around. But I’m doing what you would if you were in my place”
“That was not what I meant. What was there is over. Then why do all this? Why come here?
“You think I’m stalking you? “
“Aren’t you?”
“No! I was as surprised as you were to find me here in this town. I had never hoped to find you here but then you were. Fate had planned and so we met. Grow up Noyona! Let go of your past and let’s behave like adults, people who are mature enough to deal with the complexities of life. I admit I had been a jerk, but you selfishly decided you wanted out, and walked away without a bye. A lot has happened. But don’t look for something that is not there. I’m not going to harm you. Why do you have to behave like I’m going to pounce on you? Give me some credit,”
“So you are saying that we should be friends. Do you think it is possible? After all that has already happened?”
“But at least we can behave cordially, like one would to a person we know for as long as we do?”
“Hmm…”
“Think about it. You can run if you want yet again but then you can stop and face it. The decision is, as always, on you.” He said and walked out, and the door closed with a click.
I was silent. I didn’t know what to say. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was destined that we meet again but we can never get back together again. These beautiful multicolored dreams full of promises of a brighter tomorrow kindled a part of me that wanted to believe him, that indeed things would be perfect now if only she gave in. the temptation was too great. Maybe he was right, that I need to let go, to accept what life now offers to me instead of running away. Maybe all that he said wasn’t that vague. Maybe just maybe they could resurrect the friendship..
to be continued...
P.S-Watch out for this space for the concluding 5th and last part, tomorrow 1st November at 8.30.beware it is going to be longish :)
I have to admit, with time I got used to him being there. At times I wondered what was behind his blank countenance. If I ever let myself talk to him freely, what would he tell me? I rather hoped he would blame me for walking out without a word, or for selfishly deciding the fate of our relationship, but he never did. Knowing that he was around did things to my equilibrium. I wonder if he has gotten under my skin and broken down the steel wall I had built around my heart. We hadn’t spoken in more than a year and half except for that day at the café, but we did speak again and the dam broke.
I had had some left over food some three days old. I’ve been too busy burying myself in work so I didn’t quite pay heed to what I eat. A bout of food poisoning rendered me bedridden. I don’t know how many days I was stranded home, with no one to cook or take care of me, what more do you expect when you are all by yourself, sick in a strange town, with no one to take care of you. It must have been three days, when I heard a knock very early in the morning. It must Mrs. Sen., my neighbor, coming to check on me. So I yelled.
“Come in. I’m in the bedroom.” I could barely manage to get off the bed to greet Mrs. Sen so I lay where I was waiting for her to come in, maybe I could even ask her to make me some soup or coffee, I thought.
“May I come in?” who was that? Not mrs. Sen surely. God! Not some burglar I hoped and prayed and then my mysterious visitor peeped in, and I could just die there and then.
“Neeel… what the hell are you doing here? How did you know where I live? Get out. Now!”
“Stay where you are. Don’t move. You can go on yelling but you would aggravate your illness or you can stay put and let me help you. How long have you been ill? 3 days? You hadn’t come for your regular morning walks so I wondered what you were up to. Thankfully I came in to check.”
I could yell or call someone for help but no-one would be around at such an ungodly hour. So I sulked instead, refusing to answer him. But being taken care of sounded like heaven and in any case I was too weak to even protest, so I did what I was asked to and stayed there as he made himself comfortable and went around, cooking and cleaning. In no time I had steaming soup in front of me.
“You can cook now?”
“Yes I have learned”
“It is good you know.” I said sipping the last spoonful of the soup.
“Really?” he said, as he cleared it off and headed towards the bathroom.
I heard the tap running and wondered what he was up to. Soon he came out with a towel soaked in lukewarm water. I was rather apprehensive of his next move; in any case he was too close for comfort. I almost jumped off the bed when he ordered me to stay and I knew there was no use protesting. He wiped my face with the towel, and my nape. He came back with a rubber band and a comb and combed my hair and braided it and even got me a small mirror to peek in. thank god! I looked decent now, I must have looked like a gypsy when he had come in. I’m sure he had noticed. If he had noticed, he didn’t say anything, just instructed me to take a nap while he ordered me to guide him to a spare key of the house. By now I was feeling way fatigued and all I wanted was to sleep so I did as I was told. Before the door clicked shut he added, almost as an afterthought,
“I’ll be back.” That sounded vaguely like a promise than a statement, I thought as I drifted off.
The next time I woke up it was noon, and true to his work Neel was there slouched on couch near my bed, buried in work, typing furiously on this laptop. Why was he doing so much for me? What were his real intentions? Did ma tell him I was here? Whatever it was I didn’t want him to rekindle the desire and emotions that I had done away with.
“Why are you doing this Neel?” I said feebly
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean, I don’t want to fight but I can’t take this anymore. Tell me why are you doing this?
“I know you don’t want me around. But I’m doing what you would if you were in my place”
“That was not what I meant. What was there is over. Then why do all this? Why come here?
“You think I’m stalking you? “
“Aren’t you?”
“No! I was as surprised as you were to find me here in this town. I had never hoped to find you here but then you were. Fate had planned and so we met. Grow up Noyona! Let go of your past and let’s behave like adults, people who are mature enough to deal with the complexities of life. I admit I had been a jerk, but you selfishly decided you wanted out, and walked away without a bye. A lot has happened. But don’t look for something that is not there. I’m not going to harm you. Why do you have to behave like I’m going to pounce on you? Give me some credit,”
“So you are saying that we should be friends. Do you think it is possible? After all that has already happened?”
“But at least we can behave cordially, like one would to a person we know for as long as we do?”
“Hmm…”
“Think about it. You can run if you want yet again but then you can stop and face it. The decision is, as always, on you.” He said and walked out, and the door closed with a click.
I was silent. I didn’t know what to say. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was destined that we meet again but we can never get back together again. These beautiful multicolored dreams full of promises of a brighter tomorrow kindled a part of me that wanted to believe him, that indeed things would be perfect now if only she gave in. the temptation was too great. Maybe he was right, that I need to let go, to accept what life now offers to me instead of running away. Maybe all that he said wasn’t that vague. Maybe just maybe they could resurrect the friendship..
to be continued...
P.S-Watch out for this space for the concluding 5th and last part, tomorrow 1st November at 8.30.beware it is going to be longish :)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Part 3 [The Second Chance]
What if’s have always intrigued me, and what if things dint happen the way it did? What if I hadn’t gone to the mall two days later and what if I hadn’t actually spilled coffee on my tee and had not gone to the washroom? Would I have still met the slender 18 year old somewhere else who desperate for some help approach me to bail her out? Would I actually like the girl enough to accompany her to meet her brother? Would I bump in to her somewhere else if not there at some later date?? The matter was, it happened. Nandini, the little girl and I walked out of the washroom, chatting, where her brother was waiting for her. There stood Neel, waiting for his sister to emerge from the washroom, the same sister I had helped him choose a gift for. On finding me with her, he recognized me instantly and his face lit up.
“So you two have met already?”
“Met already? You know her?? She has been an absolute darling. It seems like you guys know each other?”
“Do you do social service with vengeance?”
“Hardly. I like to lend a helping hand to anyone who needs me” I beamed. Finally, I thought, just when I was about to give up on ever finding Neel fate brought him to me.
“Care for coffee, Noyona or do you have to scoot today too, before I can actually ask for you number?”
I blushed. “Umm..Ok if it’s not a problem” So he remembered my name, now is that a good sign or bad? I wondered.
“What the hell is going on? Will someone tell me?”
“Come along kiddo I’ll tell all but not before we order coffee.”
What had followed were calls and more hanging out. Calls were random at first then the frequency increased. The excitement was palpable but there was always a fear nagging my mind. Where is this heading? What if he is not the one, what if he breaks my heart? It didn’t take him long to pop the question. With a heavy heart I had refused him because I thought we both were getting carried away by infatuation. Heartache entailed, calls stopped and it seemed all the happiness had been sucked out of my life. Even books didn’t interest me anymore. Then a freak call from him brought it all back. It was tough taking the plunge to rise beyond apprehension and gamble my emotions. I knew I was ready, and ever so gingerly I confessed that it wasnt really infatuation but I really did love him. Then there was no looking back. As if we had opened the Pandora’s Box and none of knew just how to contain it. Fear was always close at hand. Fear of losing each other. Nandini was the happiest when we broke the news to her first. It was she who encouraged us to tell our parents. Tension and apprehension ruled but to our surprise we were both welcomed with open arms. Our happiness was now official and for all to us. I remember the ecstatic feeling, as if I had wings and could fly. Happiness knew no bounds. We knew it was a matter of time before we were officially together. But love is good while it lasts, once the honeymoon period is over the real test begins, I thought bitterly.
I was such a fool then, to even think that this was it, bliss was right here, and that my prince charming had arrived. Maybe I was riding high on an overdose of mills and boons or maybe I was hopelessly in love. I learnt in the next few years to come that my prince charming was a mere mortal, that once the prince was sure he had his princess, he would go back to being the frog and would cease to fulfill the promises and the dreams that he had promised to turn to reality. Spending time with me became a charade to him, something that he should do not because he wanted to be with me. Talks only consisted of his work; he’d briefly enquire about my day, and move on to the next topic: him, without even waiting for me to answer. He had started not telling me things, it was only when his mom brought things up that I knew of it, he had gone drinking with friends in the middle of the night, or something he has bought or some new friend he was hanging out with. I felt like a stranger to the man I was seeing. Love seemed like prison cell to me. Being the perfectionist that I am, I tried to accommodate his erratic life, mood swings and work pressure into my life, to understand all that he had to go through in life, and his inability to give me time or attention. I tried for 4 long years, I know I did. With each fight, the feeling that ‘this wont work, that I am happy alone’ became stronger and stronger. Crying myself to sleep became a ritual then I just turned indifferent. There as much as one can take, listening to a guy talk about how hard he worked as if the work put it by the girl didn’t matter at all.
I knew it was coming and then one day something snapped within me. I couldn’t take it anymore. Life wasn’t a compromise for me. For a girl fiercely independent I had given up my wild ways for a man who cared less. I compromised and accommodated him and his flaws and inabilities, despite being the perfectionist I am. My self respect couldn’t take the indifference, the humiliation and the position he could offer to me in his life, that of being a trophy girl friend. I had had enough of believing that he would change, that he would indeed keep his promises. Of hoping that someday he will value me for what I was. I applied for a job which I eventually bagged and without giving him a reason or a formal goodbye I left and relocated to this sleepy seaside town. I haven’t been home since. Baring an occasional phone call for a few minutes to exchange pleasantries, I haven’t spoken to my parents. I’m not ready to face questions about my relationship. I’m not willing to go back home and be haunted by memories of what was but will never be.
Why did he have to turn up and mess around with the life I had chosen for myself. What is he after? This is my life now, and I’m not letting Neel’s presence ruin it. This time I won’t succumb to his lies and fake promises. This time, I’m not going to get my heartbroken. What I had with Neel is over and it will remain buried and nothing can resurrect it, come what may; I swore.
To be continued…………..
“So you two have met already?”
“Met already? You know her?? She has been an absolute darling. It seems like you guys know each other?”
“Do you do social service with vengeance?”
“Hardly. I like to lend a helping hand to anyone who needs me” I beamed. Finally, I thought, just when I was about to give up on ever finding Neel fate brought him to me.
“Care for coffee, Noyona or do you have to scoot today too, before I can actually ask for you number?”
I blushed. “Umm..Ok if it’s not a problem” So he remembered my name, now is that a good sign or bad? I wondered.
“What the hell is going on? Will someone tell me?”
“Come along kiddo I’ll tell all but not before we order coffee.”
What had followed were calls and more hanging out. Calls were random at first then the frequency increased. The excitement was palpable but there was always a fear nagging my mind. Where is this heading? What if he is not the one, what if he breaks my heart? It didn’t take him long to pop the question. With a heavy heart I had refused him because I thought we both were getting carried away by infatuation. Heartache entailed, calls stopped and it seemed all the happiness had been sucked out of my life. Even books didn’t interest me anymore. Then a freak call from him brought it all back. It was tough taking the plunge to rise beyond apprehension and gamble my emotions. I knew I was ready, and ever so gingerly I confessed that it wasnt really infatuation but I really did love him. Then there was no looking back. As if we had opened the Pandora’s Box and none of knew just how to contain it. Fear was always close at hand. Fear of losing each other. Nandini was the happiest when we broke the news to her first. It was she who encouraged us to tell our parents. Tension and apprehension ruled but to our surprise we were both welcomed with open arms. Our happiness was now official and for all to us. I remember the ecstatic feeling, as if I had wings and could fly. Happiness knew no bounds. We knew it was a matter of time before we were officially together. But love is good while it lasts, once the honeymoon period is over the real test begins, I thought bitterly.
I was such a fool then, to even think that this was it, bliss was right here, and that my prince charming had arrived. Maybe I was riding high on an overdose of mills and boons or maybe I was hopelessly in love. I learnt in the next few years to come that my prince charming was a mere mortal, that once the prince was sure he had his princess, he would go back to being the frog and would cease to fulfill the promises and the dreams that he had promised to turn to reality. Spending time with me became a charade to him, something that he should do not because he wanted to be with me. Talks only consisted of his work; he’d briefly enquire about my day, and move on to the next topic: him, without even waiting for me to answer. He had started not telling me things, it was only when his mom brought things up that I knew of it, he had gone drinking with friends in the middle of the night, or something he has bought or some new friend he was hanging out with. I felt like a stranger to the man I was seeing. Love seemed like prison cell to me. Being the perfectionist that I am, I tried to accommodate his erratic life, mood swings and work pressure into my life, to understand all that he had to go through in life, and his inability to give me time or attention. I tried for 4 long years, I know I did. With each fight, the feeling that ‘this wont work, that I am happy alone’ became stronger and stronger. Crying myself to sleep became a ritual then I just turned indifferent. There as much as one can take, listening to a guy talk about how hard he worked as if the work put it by the girl didn’t matter at all.
I knew it was coming and then one day something snapped within me. I couldn’t take it anymore. Life wasn’t a compromise for me. For a girl fiercely independent I had given up my wild ways for a man who cared less. I compromised and accommodated him and his flaws and inabilities, despite being the perfectionist I am. My self respect couldn’t take the indifference, the humiliation and the position he could offer to me in his life, that of being a trophy girl friend. I had had enough of believing that he would change, that he would indeed keep his promises. Of hoping that someday he will value me for what I was. I applied for a job which I eventually bagged and without giving him a reason or a formal goodbye I left and relocated to this sleepy seaside town. I haven’t been home since. Baring an occasional phone call for a few minutes to exchange pleasantries, I haven’t spoken to my parents. I’m not ready to face questions about my relationship. I’m not willing to go back home and be haunted by memories of what was but will never be.
Why did he have to turn up and mess around with the life I had chosen for myself. What is he after? This is my life now, and I’m not letting Neel’s presence ruin it. This time I won’t succumb to his lies and fake promises. This time, I’m not going to get my heartbroken. What I had with Neel is over and it will remain buried and nothing can resurrect it, come what may; I swore.
To be continued…………..
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