Only Memories

How does it feel to be back home after months altogether for not a couple of days, or a rushed stay but for a nice long stretch? relaxation? pure bliss? hell no!! its utter torture!! :) yes yes you heard it right and you can smile a little!

Life has been a roller coaster with it suddenly falling apart like a pack of cards, a brave front and the sheer will to go on kept me going. Suddenly I realized that there is nothing in me anymore that was scared at things not working out, that would be apprehensive of new things, that would be sad for leaving behind people, friends and everything that seemed so near and dear to me. Suddenly it was all gone, as i sat there on the flight with every thing that belonged to me with me, I looked out to the city that is second home to me (and will always be) i felt tears prick me, it was then that apprehensions came in, it was then the heart was ready to give up at the thought i was leaving behind a set life, but what kinda killed me for once i was guilty of leaving behind one person who probably loves me the most in the whole wide world, Someone who has let me down over time, someone who has never been there for me but has loved me madly and deeply. I knew there was no turning back, I had taken a step forward and there is no turning back...

Initial few days in Delhi was awful ( more on that in my next post. O yea there is gonna be other posts and I wont disappear) all i did was cry my eyes out. I didnt like anything nor the people, nor the culture and surely not the place other than the Metro (which is like superb). Securing a job entailed that I plan a trip back home ASAP. And here I am back home, for almost a week now, bored to death, ready to go back, wherever but not here. I'm sorry if it sounds like I hate home. Nope, i dont but overdose of home.. kinda gets to me. The auntys and uncles, the mashi's and meshos, the kakus and kakimas, the relatives calling for you 24*7, meeting with the entire clan, mom yelling at you to get off the phone; kinda gets to you trust me. And to top it off, people freaking you out with talks of marriage!! could it be worse??? yes it could, if you had a distant relative all of 12 years old, following you everywhere, even to the loo, who stares at you while you are asleep, because she wants to see how you look when asleep!!! Nope and my cribbing does not end here... with the mercury rising, the humidity at its all time high and no sign of rains, I had to go shopping to stock up for the next 6 months and trust me it can be taxing.. home for 4 days is ideal... then it becomes one big fat family overdose!! 

Amidst all these i came across a carton full of memories..journals, photographs,letters, scribblings, chocolate wrappers,bus tickets.. memories since the beginning of time.. somewhere i was lost..lost in a forgotten time...a time which slipped through my fingers.. a time which may have been reduced to being just memory but a time which has never lost its splendor.. to be honest sometimes when I see smiling faces of young lovers, of couples celebrating their youthful courtship... it feels as if a knife is twisting in my gut.. I'm reminded that in a months time it would have been 7 long years of togetherness..but not anymore... Sometimes I look back and wonder.. what if I could turn back time...and i am in two minds... You cant have everything in life.. there will always be an either and or situation.. and that choice we have to make no matter how difficult it is...

Life has spun out of control.. way beyond anything I had ever imagined... what was a fairytale is showing its fangs now.. it stings, it kills me some more each day.. its like you see the life you have nurtured with your entire being, fall slowly but surely. It hurts like hell.. in midst of all this mess called life i am discovering the monster that i am.. and the realities of my existence...its an uphill task... will need some getting used to... nothing that is impossible!! :)

Anyway enough of gloomy thoughts on my comeback post... next one is gonna be a Delhi bashing post.. sorry cant help it.. wrote it when i absolutely hated Delhi and i was just new to the city..but couldn't post it!! Hope you are doing fine? Btw i think i have gained some 10kilos since being home.. with all that ghar ka khana and all!! And Oh ya... i will get back to reading and commenting in a few hours time... hope you haven't forgotten me??!! :)

Sleepless..

Its just one of those days when sleep evades me and there is a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.. churning it so bad that i feel like puking... maybe i am upset.. maybe i am just sad... maybe i am just PMSing but something is not right..

Nostalgia was a constant companion today.. memories from different phases of my life resurfaced and i was struck by the lightening speed with which time is passing by... I can still vividly remember my childhood days, playing cricket with friends on the streets, shorts, tees and skirts were the order of the day. Worries meant homework, happiness meant summer holidays, reward meant an ice cream and fun meant playing with friends..life is whole lot different now somehow. Its hard to just say things without having the fear of being misinterpreted, actions are judged on parameters of morality and acceptance and emotions are often misconstrued as indifference. There are so many veils people wear, so many different masks that it gets difficult to recognize people... As we grow older our mind gets accustomed to the people around us, ego sits in, and even the strongest of bonds between two people breaks. Nothing really surprises me anymore and i wonder if that is a good thing.. isnt it a good thing if you get upset if your friend of 18 years refuses to talk to you? isnt it right if you cry after a fight with loved one? shouldnt it matter if your entire life is falling apart right in front of you? To me somehow all this has stopped making sense...Guess sometimes life gets the better of you and you can do nothing but go with the flow... I am in one such phase..

Anyway gloom breeds more of its like if given time... so i ll end this one right here, really random post I know...sometimes bouts of insanity makes you feel a lot saner... Hope you guys are doing good? Promise will read and comment on your blogs first thing from office.. Btw this was my 650th post! :) yay me...Goodnight people.. time to hit the bed...

Life... make it large

This is from a forward that touched my heart... you may have read it before.. but this is as much for your benefit as mine... could do with some pep talk... its just one of those days when gloom fills your heart and nothing makes sense... when going gets tough and tears fills your eyes.. this made me smile.. hope it makes you smile too.. 


A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.” There were only a few coins in the hat.
A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, “Were u the one who changed my sign this morning? What did u write?”

The man said, “I only wrote the truth. I said what u said but in a
different way.”
What he had written was: “Today is a beautiful day & I cannot see it.”

Do you think the first sign & the second sign were saying the same thing?
Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first
sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: 

Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think
differently and positively. Invite the people towards good with
wisdom.
Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets.
When Life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Face your past without regret.
Handle your present with confidence.
Prepare for the future without fear.
Keep the faith and drop the fear.
Don’t believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs.
Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve.

Life is wonderful if you know how to live.
Each day is as special as you want it to be………MAKE IT GREAT

Drawing lines...

Boundaries don't keep people out..

they just fence you in..life is messy.. 

that's how we are made.. 

you can waste your life drawing lines..

or you can live your life crossing them

I think I will just cross them

For nothing is worse than

living a life full of regrets..

P.S- Sorry for being out of the scene.. Currently life is falling apart and its one hell of a roller coaster.. will be back with something substantial.. thanks a ton for not abandoning me... means much... :)

Life always gives us options...

 its just that sometimes... we refuse to acknowledge them.. 

Why blame fate for something that is our doing? 

Down the memory lane...

As the car pulled over from the highway into a familiar road I felt a strange apprehension fill me. I wondered what seemed like a millionth time if it was the right thing to visit college after all these months. The memories, the good and the bad ones were battling it out. And for the first time I felt nauseated as fear gripped me. I didn’t know if I could do it but there was nowhere to run. Soon the car came to a halt in front of a familiar white palatial building I knew at the back of my hand. As my friends got off the cab hurrying to meet people, I took a moment to steady myself before I stepped out into the sun.  there it all came back… memories… one by one… the good, the bad and the ugly ones…

As I walked through the media lab, I closed my eyes, I could almost hear the familiar voices yelling, calling out, laughing and calling each other names. I let my fingers caress the familiar bay where I would spend hours completing my assignments, silently crying, longing, missing home. I went to my desk and a small blue post-it pinned to the soft board.. “Raat yeh bhi guzar jaaygi…” the handwriting was familiar.. it was mine.. in deepest despair I found hope in those words.. I had no clue it would still be there. I went walked down the dark corridor to the FCP room, where I had spent hours on end trying to edit footage, failing, trying again, frustration making me almost give up. I felt claustrophobic memories  making it hard to breathe. But I kept moving, kept walking, down the stairs, behind those pillars, slipping into the lawn  to my hideout. I knelt down to feel the grass, the sun beating down my back burning me. Memories of me lying there alone seeing the sunset, with tears washing my vision came back to me. I walked into the auditorium, half expecting the familiar faces but they were not there. I searched... I looked everywhere.. but I just couldn’t find Vaidu…. 

It was then I realized that it was gone.. gone forever… that phase.. horrid memories of my news bulletin being sabotaged, of lying there, crying in the dark in the basket ball court till I was discovered by the guards… my glasses being stolen and then thrown away, the longing for home, the fights to keep the relationship going… all of it… the pain was gone.. college was no longer as painful as I had thought… then it was fine… I finally had completed a full circle.. I let go of the pain, of the suffering.. I forgive those who wronged me, I forgave myself for being so harsh on myself.. and I finally let go… Going to the college reunion wasn’t all that bad… I remembered some real good times, I felt thankful for who I was today and ultimately i felt good for feeling whole again!

You are on my mind..

I want to say I love you

I want to say I care

I want to do a whole lot more

But I don’t know if you’d care

Sometimes pain is all that I can feel

Where love fails to elicit a reaction

Nothing makes sense..

Something’s in life will always elude me

Acceptance has come through

They why does the heart still sway?

What hurts the most

Is having it all

But nothing that will last..

Sometimes I wonder why

I endure it all

Why I cant put myself out of this?

Not being there

Is not an option

Never has been. Never will

So the agony will continue

Love will live

As long as I will..

Happy Women's day!!

Since its women’s day I thought of penning my two cents on something that has been on my mind of late. You shouldn’t be reading this post a) if you are a guy b) if you are that kind of a guy who hates reading about girlie banter that revolves around cosmetics and then will proceed to make acerbic comments! And you must read this if a) you are a woman b) you are a guy and have enough maturity to read something about women and if not appreciative but be tolerant of it, it can’t be that bad can it?

So since the prelude is over now for kill. Read the following and make a mental note, and this is strictly for the ladies…

-Do you wax/shave your legs only when you have to wear a skirt, three quarters, shorts or swim wear?

-Do you tweeze or pluck your eyebrows only when its really bushy?

-Do give/ get yourself a pedicure only because of the dead skin making its presence felt?

Mark the underlined words and make a mental note of the answer.

So I had this manager of sorts, who was rather cool with her funky outlook to life. We had similar taste in music, books and we got along really well! What made her rather cooler was that a tattoo on her left breast, I thought that to be like wow! The dragon lady has some spunk but then she decided to show me the other tattoo on her ankle. She lifts her leg of her jeans to reveal the cute devil, but hey that was hardly the thing that captivated me. I was horrified to see her legs!! Those were the most horrendous legs I had ever seen!!

 Holy cow! I’m not some fashion guru, God knows, I may have more fashion faux pas to my credit, than anything else. Hey who am I kidding, I started to take care of myself, indulging in some girlie frills and graces only in the last year or so. But even during my tom boyish days, I would do the basics to keep myself groomed and presentable!

My point is, we women are strange. When we have a date or we are seeing someone, we are conscious about what we wear, how we look, how we smell etc etc. We wouldn’t be caught dead with a sweaty smell or a smudged kajal (okay look who is talking here…im the queen of panda eyes :D) so what happens to us when we get into a committed relationship or say marriage? Why do we stop talking care of ourselves? Do we only do things because it is expected of us? Do we do it only to please someone we love and care about? If yes then why do we stop doing it? Reason can be anything but the important part is doing it for ourselves. 

Doesn’t it feel absolutely heavenly on those days when you heat some water pour some body wash and dip your feet in and let the water soothe your muscles softening your heels, and then you just follow it up with scrubbing your toes and painting your nails. I mean it’s great to pamper oneself because we are totally worth it. Whether you are single, married or dating, living alone or with family; why forget yourself, why forget that you have a life of your own even amidst the hustle and bustle of life! So this women’s day do the things that you feel great about, buy the pair of shoes you have been longing for but have been saving instead, go get a haircut or read the book you have wanted to, paint your nails, wash your hair! Don’t lose yourself in the mundane day to day life because nothing can be worse!

Smile and the world will smile with  you! : ) Happy women’s day to all you lovely ladies!!

P.S- I got myself a haircut, bought amazing earrings, pampered myself, and cooked yummy strawberry custard! Yay me..

Oh btw…  do drop in your email id in the comments segment…(please please please) even those who think I know your email id… in 5 days flat this blog is going private… I promise I’ll add you up so that you can continue reading me! : )

Blog going Private

I have been toying with the idea of making my blog private for sometime now... and I would really like to give it a shot, at least for sometime..  So if you would still like to read me... leave me your email Id and I'll modify settings enabling you to read me despite the blog going private!

Sorry for the inconvenience though!

Happiness lies within!

We are fools to depend upon others

For our happiness, peace and contentment

When in reality, it lies within us...

I have found reasons to smile, to be happy and to live 

External factors are mere additions not the totality.