Tears of grief and longing

Today is just one of those days

When the pain in unbearable

The despair is gnawing at my soul

Tears are threatening to spill

It fills to the brim and overflows, unabashed

The pain makes me wonder out aloud

Why me? A voice in me answers

‘Because you are strong enough to tide through it all!’

But I don’t want to be the strong one

I don’t want to put up a façade of being brave

I wish I could just succumb to the pain that is tearing me apart

I want a pair of strong arms, His, to pull me up

Up against him, rocking me as I break down

His voice firm and full of love telling me,

That he is there, and I shall survive.

I break out of my reverie

Tears have left a soggy trail behind

I look for his arms, but he has long since gone

Just as I had known he would

Then why does the pain still rip me apart

Every time nostalgia visits me?

Life is changed manifolds

Never to be reversed again…

Thoughts make it hard to breathe
I feel myself free falling
into the vortex of despair
deeper and deeper
into nothingness
Pain tearing me apart.

Happier times are like a mirage
they disappear as i reach out
Unanswered questions gnaws at my soul
Why me? I ask myself
i hear muted sobs,mine in return
As loneliness stares backs..

How long must I carry on the charade?
how long will the ordeal continue?
how long before relief comes through?
Uncertainties are rampant
Peace still eludes me,
Long road ahead before I can repose.

Golmaal 3

I am not really a movie going kinds.. unless of course if its something sensible or romantic, then you know I ll be there.. so Golmaal 3 or Action Replay or even Dabaangg is not really my kinda movie.. but when you have a friend for company, and have time to kill and its just 9 am in the morning what do you do? We buy tickets for Golmaal 3 and walk in the Cineplex leaving our brains behind. That’s exactly what you should do before you go and watch this movie.

The movie has bright colours splashed all over, sun beach, pretty looking Kareena as arm candy amidst 5 other men, Ajay Devgan (the guy manages to appear hot even at 45 J) Arshad Warsi (lukewarm) Tushaar Kapoor (now a tad bit repetitive but brilliant performance as the dumb guy) Sheryas Talpade and Kunal Khemu ( totally wasted!). The movie is good in patches, laugh riot completely but then there were places when it felt as if you were forced to smile or literally held at gunpoint to laugh at jokes that fell flat. But having said that, some dialogues which made no sense to the scene was absolutely a treat! Mithun chakroborty in a comic avatar was really a surprise and did a commendable job even at this age. His dialogue to his girl friend’s father “jinke ghar sheeshay ke hote hain… who basement mein kapde badaltein hai!” tickled people pink. Music was pretty situational, nothing to rant about. The action sequence was well scripted and directed. In all the movie does manage well as a laughter filled time pass, a paisa wasool for sure… high on style quotient and a sure shot way to beat the blues of mundane world away!

A glimmer of hope is barely visible

the storm raging within me
threatens to engulf my sanity
I know not what lies ahead..
I know not when this journey ends
and when the new one begins...

Memories are at war
hurling unwanted thoughts at me
I know i must retrace my steps
I know my quest for moksha must continue
the hunt for peace making me restless
I know one day i will have to let go....
But vacillation comes easy to me
how long before end comes along?

Making a new comeback

Moksha…. Salvation… a step away from Destiny’s Child…same blog but with a whole new name. a name that reflects my current state of mind, that is symbolic of the much evolved me. Hope you stay with me as I gingerly make my way into the world that I had left behind. I may falter and may have writers block. I wont make tall comments as to how I will be back on the blogging on the blogging scene, I will just say that I will try and do my best. And I will do it for myself, to preserve my sanity.

The last time I wrote here I was a girl who returned home for what seemed like good, after a yearlong sojourn. I felt love was what made life bearable, I came back for the one I loved, giving up a career I had always wanted, compromising on my childhood dreams despite having financial liabilities. Things went downhill; I regretted giving up everything for someone I truly loved but that someone gave up me for everything else. Yes that was a bad phase, regrets were rampant, misgivings ruled, I couldn’t believe that I had messed up my life, maybe forever! But ultimately destiny showed me what she had planned for me. My belief never betrayed me… I soon got an opportunity I had always waited for…life from the outside felt like a dream come true little did I know that my carefully nurtured world would soon fall apart. Life never gave me an opportunity to breakdown to heal or evens be shattered… I had too many people pinning their hopes on me to let them down with my personal crisis. With the world falling apart for me in a distant land, I trudged along taking failures and heartbreak in my stride and built my life from scratch. My new world had its new challenges… I learned to cope up with this new phase called professional life… it had its stress and deliverables and all came at a massive price. I was blessed to have a mentor in a friend, a friend I had never even in my wildest dream contemplated of having that too in the least likely of places: office. Here I was forming new bonds and there on the personal front some old bonds were becoming weak… I was despairing at the course my life was taking… in pits of despair I found hope... I found strength... I found companionship... more than which I found the real me. The woman in me was born. 

The positives in my life outweighs the dark and more murky side. In my bid to escape my realities, to deal with the personal strife, to finally carve a career for myself I choose to move out of Hyderabad and now I’m back to Namma Bengaluru… and peace in search of which I found my way back to a place where I had started off, still eludes me. Confusion and chaos is still raging. I know I have made mistakes, I had wandered in search of salvation, more than which in search of me, in the process I have hurt people, wronged them. But my only consolation is that I have finally found me, I have realized what I really am, I have realized im not some perfectionist, but my ideal does exist only unattainable! But that does not change the feelings within me.. it does not change the most primitive of desires… that is of caring of concern and most importantly of love..

Be with me as a much matured Phoenix embarks upon a new journey of life in search of salvation… a special thanks to Anwesa who kept urging me to write to make a comeback…this one is for you babe! Leo without you goading me to finally write this post I would have procrastinated some more… Nikhil for never giving up on me in the darkest hour of my life…

Transitioning...

I have been home exactly a month back. Its been a massive journey in the past few months in my personal life.

Life at IIJNM hostel specially A2 (the room i stayed in) had transformed beyond my imagination just as the months ended and it was just a matter of a few weeks before we dismantled. it was a strange sensation, on one hand i was dying to get back, home seemed like paradise... at the same time a feeling of dread overcame me just imagining a life away from all my roomies. it was as if some invisible forces were bonding us in strong vices. the fun the laughter had suddenly magnified, we were closer than ever.

Vaidehi

Even now sometime i lay awake in the morning, closing my eyes tight imagining myself back at A2, hoping to just jump out of my bed and see all my roomies sleeping. i miss those goodnight and good morning sms's to Vaidu.. i miss seeing Deepi curled up in a ball, sleeping.. i miss the gurgling laughter of Anu...Shephali's morning exercise.. life was a routine... but mostly i miss having my best friend (Vaidu) around me 24*7.. its been painful experience to yank the roots i had spread at IIJNM to move away to my life (that has always been for the last 21 years) back at home. I cant ever forget the last roomie hug, the tears rolling down my face, clasping Vaidu's hands as they led me to the hostel gate where mum and dad were waiting for me to get into the car that would take me to the station and away from my 1 year stay at Bangalore and from people who had become my family. As the car moved away i could barely stop the tears., i could see Vaidu waving then she hung her head for a moment and then walked in stoically. the best part of the journey was, despite our differences, our clashing natures when it was time to say goodbyes we all left but we left being close to each other, and we left as good friends.

When i left home a year back I thought life was coming to an end on a personal front. But at the same time i knew my life was about to change forever, that it was my only opportunity to live a life that i had always wanted. I'm glad i took the plunge for the rise was surely worth it.

Coming up... Perks of living a life away from parents in a new city...

Scribblings

I write unsure of myself and of things i really want to write.

I have been home a little over a week and blogging has been on my mind ever since. But somehow i just couldn't make myself write. I wonder if i have anything more to offer to this place, this place has been instrumental in my life, both in my personal and professional life. This place became the one place where i could be me, where i went into incessant rants about my personal failings or achievements of issues i felt strongly about. But what took me back was that blogging gave me a leverage on my personal front. For the first time in life, during job interviews, I did not have to encounter quizzing eyes, when i told my HR that i blog, and have over 500 posts to my credit. it was then i realized what a world i had created for myself. I wonder why I feel this is important to say this, maybe its because I have not been able to give up on this space despite having nothing to offer.

On personal front life is messier than i had ever imagined. Not really a phase i'd like to rant about. For the first time in life probably i'm not sure of what i want. But in times of distress and immense personal strife one advantage is that I'm gonna earn doing what i love doing and what i do best: writing. However humble it may be, its a start; and i am grateful for that. Maybe this is what life had planned for me...

One of my learning's from this whole phase of transition, from a student to a professional is that

Nothing can be worse than living a life of regrets!

Sometimes its important in life to be selfish enough to fulfill your dreams and ambitions.. and not give it up for the supposed happiness of those you care most. Because life does not offer you opportunities each time and most often we live a life of regrets which does not really add to the happiness of our loved ones or ourselves.

Placement Season it is!

The placement season is on. Needless to say it just adds to stress if not anything else. Somehow this entire process of sitting for an exam, then wait endlessly for being shortlisted. on being announced its another stress to find if your name is there, if you are another round of stress descends you .. and you think now what? what will the ask will i make it? and if you don't then you have to prepare yourself for another round of stress for the next company that visits you... I wonder why the world is just about competition.. Darwin was a visionary when he spoke of "survival of the fittest'


Imagine how thousands of people sit for interviews and out of them just a lucky few get selected or shortlisted. Some times i wonder if its a matter of luck or just skill? i think its a bit of both. Some just sit for a job interview and at their first attemptget through and others despite the skill fail to make it anywhere. The disappointment and stress that comes with this entire placement process just seems to drain everything out of me. the wait and anticipation for the half baked jobs to turn into reality is driving to my graves..whats with getting short listed and yet not making it anywhere? ALC got short listed but didn't make it... PA sat for it..but dint make it for obvious reasons:fell asleep....Reuters:got shortlisted among 9 out of 60... but they are looking for business journalist which i know nothing off... I'm not optimistic about my chances and i don't even want to go for it because getting this far the disappointment will be too much to bear...

This is one of those phases in your life which is the toughest. if not anything else, your patience is tested so is your nerve... and on this account i think i have been trained... somehow once this ordeal finishes all i want is to go back home, hopefully with some saving grace (with a job) and just sink into my bed and just unwind...home now is about a month away...and where on one hand it fills me with renewed energy to go on on the same hand i cant ignore the fact the time is ticking away. Master's Project, Beat reporting, assignments as well as the part time I'm doing is nearly killing me. even though the latter is pleasurable but the distance i have to travel kills me at the end of the day..and its not funny...

With less than a month to go.. i really wish something positive comes out of all the hard work i have put in... like Rudyard Kipling says...

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

My first placement day !

Life has taken a new turn. we are now in the last leg of our course, specially with the placements proceedings beginning. Today Press Association came to our college to take the entrance test, this is the first company to visit us this year and that actually heightened the tension.

Like many others i opted to sit for the test, actually im sitting for almost all the companies that are coming without being pickey and choosey because after this course i need to get a job ASAP! :) What happened to me on my first placement day is something im not about to forget EVER!! i went to bed early and was having an undisturbed sleep for probably for the first time (since my noisiest roomie is away for the time being!) i thought the night would be peaceful but i woke up several times at night and thus i woke up tired and sleepy but because it was a placement day i willed myself to carry on with my chores! :(

The day began in the worst possible way. When i spotted the idli's for breakfast i should have known what was in store for me but i choose to be ignorant, and then i paid a price for it. i tripped and fell and dropped my morning cup of coffee, then embarrassed and extremely miserable i made my way to the shop for bread and omlette...after hogging i remembered that mom always forbade me to have eggs on the day of exam or anything important (call it superstitution or whatever! :P ) As if this wasnt already enough.. this PA made us wait for more than 3 hours to take the entrance test.. and that too when? during our lunch hour! damn them!
the test went fine and i finished my paper early and went back to hostel to eat. i changed into shorts and spaghetti and decided to take a nap after the long day but i kept wondering why my other roomies werent even there...an hour later my roomie walks in and asks me why i was absent during the second test! it was only then that i realized that I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE SECOND PART OF THE TEST COMPLETELY! then i called my prof begged him to let me sit for the test! i slipped on a tee and ran to the college to sit for the test! Sir was almost laughing at me, because i turned up disheveled and in shorts and tee and allowed me to sit for the test. somehow i finished the test in 15 minutes. i myself dont know what i wrote because i didnt even check my paper, i just managed to thrust the paper in the hands of the invigilator and run away to hide my face! by now the entire college knows i had forgotten about the test!! what an embarrassment!!! god!!

Of course i will make sure this is never repeated but the events that occurred during the course of the day has convinced me that this job at least is not meant for me.. hopefully something works out in the other projects that will come up.. that's all from my end as of now..tadaa!!

Reflections!

As journalists we are taught to look beyond the obvious. To hear the muted voices... to critically analyze, to first be apprehensive and then judge for yourself what we want to believe, what we must believe. The sad part of the deal is IIJNM with their esteemed faculty does not practice what they preach. they may be stalwarts in their profession but they fail to put into application what they want us all to adopt in life.

Sometimes we are so busy trying to do the right that we forget to stop and analyze if we ourselves are doing the right thing. i wonder if it occurs to people or it even matters to them, if they are being fair to people? i know it matters to me if im being fair or if im doing the right thing. like my roommates can be insensitive enough to talk in loud voices disturbing my much needed sleep (which is giving me a hard time!) i try and ensure i don't make any noise when im up and about and others are still sleeping. many tell me, its tit for tat, but i like to do what i think as right. i would rather be in my world where i will weave happiness into my day to day life, to breed positivity rather than going out of my way to prove a point. No im not trying to be saintly here. but it matters that im being fair or not. most others i think care not. they don't want to look beyond whats obvious, to think what the other person would have said to a particular issue if given a chance. to hear whats not being said, to analyze what the silences could mean...

Something like that happened to me yesterday, i chose to keep to my silences. they say silence is golden but now im beginning to wonder if it is? maybe one must resort to vices to pave your way ahead... maybe its the only way...but until i can transform myself, and distort my reality and be someone i am not... i guess i will have a lot more to survive and lot more injustices to brave through...

Life is all about perception and a bit of critical thinking! Something which most of us lack. and maybe it will be a good thing if we try and apply at least some of it in our lives, because our actions, our views or mindset can affect someone and that may and may not be fair at all.