ouuuuuuccch!!!

i am sore all over.every fiber in my body is crying out.the sting literally takes the life out of me.i am numb.tears stream down my face, and my face contorts painfully as it happens to me over and over again.

dont be mistaken,i am not talking about how painful it is to see a relationship fall apart[it is i know].i am not even talking about how painful it is to loose the one you love but i am talking about the inhuman torture a lady has to go through because she is the prettier of the two sexes.i am talking about the beauty process called waxing.for the men only,it is a process by which molten hot wax is poured all over your body and then with a piece of cloth it is yanked out...OUUCCH!!god!what not is expected out of us to appear ladylike.today was my first experience at the parlous when i got myself waxed.damn!!how can ladies go through such immense torture to appear good looking.i never had the time before,and neither did i ever pay attention to how i appear.i always considered waxing threading as a waste of time and quite unnecessary.but since pujas are just 6 days away i went to the parlor to get a trim,where my hair dresser totally freaked out on me.."kya didi,ap bhi..kabhi toh apni khayal rakhiye..kal sasural jaoge toh kya aise jaoge??time nikal kay thoda sajna sawarna sikhlijiye...kal ko kaam aigi.." [what do you do didi...why don't you groom yourself...tomorrow when you get married are you going to go like this...try and take time out for yourself ]

i must admit i was infuriated by her comment,who is she to tell me anyways.since i had time i decided to go for waxing.i never had really thought i was the hairy kind.or the one who needed much time to pamper myself. but then i decided to try this out just for the heck of it!.drat!that probably was the last thing i required.having my hair yanked out.after an hour long session.i left the parlour,few hair less,red in face and my hands and feet numb.

so men,next time you compliment a girl on her looks,please do acknowledge the pain she has to go through just to appear so,for you to praise her.oucch!it still hurts..

realization

i have tried.but have failed.to live away from the one i love.my mind tells me let go and move on for my sanity.but my heart.it tells me it will bear it all.and that it is the only way out.call me a loser or a one who quits,but loving someone,and imagining a life with him and then living apart is somewhat unattainable.i have tried staying apart and every trick in the book to change him but i have failed.i have failed to even stay apart from him.so now i've made up my mind.if he cant change for me i can for him,i know that samik will probably be immature and insensitive [which stems from his immaturity] all his life,so i will be less of a perfectionist and ignore his immaturity.so maybe this is an end.end of being bothered about the major flaws in his character.and the beginning of a new and improved:ME

Yes,the curtains have come down,prematurely.

it is finally
The End.

after a long time,i met up one of my friends from school.after college i went over to my friends college,trudging a narrow muddy road along small ponds and huts towards her college.her college is in the fringes of the city,so the walk there was long but nice.first time in somewhat ages,i was at peace,talking about my dreams,my life with my friend who has been my companion for 15 long years.we were reminded for probably the millionth time why being friends still has retained its meanings despite the several misuse of the word, that we had witnessed.in the course of life,several people have come and gone,all without a trace but the one that is true and means the most has remained,unchanged.we are friends from the time we could not differentiate between,right and wrong,before any complexities had settled in.my friendship with Srimoyee and her twin Sayanti is the among the very few that i have retained cherish more than any one could ever image.today sipping coffee i felt the negativity of the last few months of my life,without the constant touch with these school friends,seep away from me.i felt at home and at peace.i was me.

Heartbroken

i have waited for him to change
but he has disappointed me
more than once.
he had promised to try
but never had.
again and again he had begged
for a chance,and i had complied.
but each time i was let down.

then i told him i cant take it no more,
he promptly replied
i know that your expectations
i am unable to fulfill
and i can do nothing about it
i respect your decision.
and i understand if you must leave.
as easily as that it was all over.
END had arrived.


there it was all gone
without even a fight
a perfect life and lifetime of love
all gone without a trace
all in a moment of haste.
is this what they call love?
i wouldn't know.
i have tried and i've failed
and had to let go
and now, this is my fate.



P.S-i haven't broken up yet.my relationship is on probation.in exact a month i will be ready to take a major step,towards or away from it.then on,there wont be too many break ups and patch ups,just the "end".it all began with a plea for another chance,yes this has happened a million times before,all were unsuccessful and false.like all times i am taking one last gamble to save the our relationship, that means the world to me.i know by the looks of it now things wont improve,he wont do anything for us/me.but this one last time,for the sake of "us" i am being patient to see what he does what is required to make life different for us.a long long wait await me ahead.adios!

Happy Birthday bloggie!!!

Dear bloggie,
here's wishing you a very happy birthday.thank you for being my best friend and being there when i was alone and i needed someone to talk to,to be there unconditionally, patiently hearing me out.you have been such a solace and the reason why i fight to survive. i keep up my optimism because i know you are there to guide me, to be there even others have abandoned me.you keep me sane.you have brought back poetry back into my life.i have started writing again.you have opened the door to so many new friends,who has filled my life with so much love and compassion.reading about their lives their grief and pain has taught me to fight despair.i have cried reading their pain,i have smiled at their cheerfulness and i have become wise reading about their experiences.

life is so much more beautiful,having you around.i have you to confide in to express my views to meet new friends and express myself fearlessly and grow up too.comments can get fewer,people may stop visiting but you will be with me, i know, in my journey of life,always there.and i promise never to take you for granted or to abandon you.my best pal, i hope we have many more years of togetherness.you are indispensable to me.

happy first birthday!

love,phoenix

drinking for pleasure??

i soo wanna get drunk!

For your records i cannot stand the smell and taste of alcohol.it has a medicinal smell and is very distasteful.i have been brave enough to take a few sips but never really worshiped it.but i wanna drink and not just drink get DRUNK....i want to feel warm and fussy inside and forget everything for sometime...you would say..sleep away and you are wont be conscious enough to remember or think..but i beg to differ..i want to be awake and then loose all awareness and just let go of all the unspoken shackles binding me:responsibility,morals,ethics or love.i don't want to feel,i just want to dig out the things buried deep within me which i don't even let myself acknowledge otherwise.

last Monday,one of my friends parents went out of town.so we had another of our get-togethers. and as usual the guys drank all day like a tank.and i was feeling brave enough so i had three glasses of 2/3 fruiti and 1/3 vodka...i thought that was sufficient to get drunk,specially i did a great job at swallowing the gross white mischief vodka..yew!!and that too i did it while the guys were not looking, so i didn't get a beating for it! :D but all for nothing.i was NOT DRUNK.i just became very quite and reserved but i was ok! :( :( uwaaaaah... i so wanna get drunk!

now deciding to drink is probably the first step.then how when where and with whom to do it with?these questions arise.if you find a place and even decide a time you don't get a companion.and if you get all of the above then you don't get the permission to drink,mind you not by your parents or even friends but by the pub/restaurant authorities,reason??you are a woman and a woman must be accompanied by a male to be allowed to drink,are you thinking what crap??well no it is not,spoke to a friend today and she reported to me her personal experience.isn't this really silly.when men want to drink they can and when it comes to women they are not allowed,why? because they belong to the so called weaker sex.its 21st century people wake up!!and this kind of male chauvinistic attitude is total uncalled for in the city's most posh and elite area..what has the world come to.

random

i sat on the tank.the top most place of our terrace.it has always been my hiding place since childhood.whether unhappy or heart broken,happy or upset,it has been my retreat for every mood in every walk of my life.it is the only place i can let the tears flow freely,without feeling abashed.it is a place where i am me.today to in the diminishing light of the day,with dusk spreading it dark cloak all over the vast expanse of the sky, i sat there peacefully lost in the conflicting thoughts within my head.i felt a tap on my shoulder,i look up to see her sitting right beside me.

she-what are you mulling about?
me-i am trying to analyse what is it that i really want in life?
she-boy friend trouble?
me-yeah!kind of..
she-what is it this time?
me-well loads of things which i haven't been able to untangle myself.i have a perfect guy in my life.he is loving caring but very immature.
she-so what?i think you are matured enough for both.this is the real meaning of a relationship.what one doesn't have the partner compensates for it.moreover no one is perfect.we all have our short comings.you have them too.
me-yeah i realize.but the thing is,each and every time i sacrifice and do whatever it is required of me to save this relationship,and he just expects me to do it each time.he wont ever do anything for "us".i am tired of being the matured one,the one to make all the compromises.i am tired of neglecting my wants and wishes because i have to understand what he is going through.and the fact that i understand seems to be taken for granted.just because i understand that doesn't mean that i don't have any reservations about it .
she-so what do you want out of him?
me-i want him to value me.to take the responsibility once towards our relationship.to acknowledge that i am a human being,i have my wants and wishes.to pamper me,treat me like i am indispensable to him.
she-he is a caring and loving person.more than which he loves you.
me-i know he does.but i want a bit more.today if i give up and leave.he wont call me back,he is going to let me go and blame me that i am disloyal to him.and that is unfair.
she-can you imagine a life without him?
me-i cant.i still think he is my soul mate.or else i would not have been with him.but i cant sacrifice my life,my wants and wishes for him,no matter how much i love him.because i have done quite a bit already and now i am saturated.i have realized that life doesn't just strive on love.you need to nurture it and for which you need to be mature enough to respect the other person.
she-are you thinking of quitting?
me-maybe i am not too sure.i want to be absolutely sure before i do anything.relationship is a serious business.
she-i thought you are a fighter?how come u are even contemplating to quit?
me-i have fought endlessly for the last 3years to make this work and i am willing to do for the rest of my life,if only he is at the end of the tunnel and he keeps up his end of the bargain.a relationship needs nurturing from both consenting people.only one working for it wont make it work.if we are destined together then in life we will be.maybe we are made to apart but then reunite?who knows the future?i am an optimist,so i never quit hoping for the miracle and if it doesn't i ll rise from my ashes.what do you think i should do??
she-it is your life.i am not here to advice you.i am here to be there for you while you decide what you want.ultimately it is you who have to make a choice.think hard and then decide.what can be lost can be lost forever.sometimes,things once done cannot be done.be very careful for what you wish and decide.be aware for what will follow.and once you hear your heart and mind echoing your thoughts synchronizing each other,you know what you have to do.until then don't take a step.what you are saying now,is your mind speaking but your heart begs to differ,it can suffer but not live without the object of the overwhelming love.think before you act....
me-i know you are right..but....do you think i should hand on...........??

i turned around but she was nowhere to be seen..was it a figment of my imagination or my conscience??i guess i ll never know..

a gentle breeze ruffles my hair
bringing me back to reality
a rueful smile adorns my lips
as my eyes reveal the calm within

i allow the memories to drift back
as i travel back in time
to the first day we met
the firm shake and twinkling eye.

we walked matching steps
finishing sentences and
reading each others mind
and forging a bond,forever.

it has been years since the day
we have braved all odds
and conquered our fears,
and we are together still.

two loving hands created the castle of sand.molding it with utmost love and care, to make it a place of their own,dream after their hearts and the union of their soul and the symbol of their love.Eyes had met shyly,smile had reflected in each others lips.fingers touched and hesitantly brushed away.his hand tucks the loose strands away from her face as she lowers her eyes,blushing.promises were made to last a lifetime and undying love was professed.it was time to rejoice!then the sun reached its throne and reigned,the sea turtles and crabes came for a visit and were bravely encountered but the hands never moved,still guarding the sand castle.swollen and bitten,yet braving each wave,that threatened to wash away the dream,then the rain came pelting down yet they remained where they were, braving it all....

then one huge wave came threatening along..it had been ages since they were there..backs ached and the sun had been dethroned and it was time to let go...love had dimmed and it was getting dark.she tried to hold off the wave as he gave up and trampling the castle and went ahead,giving up.she did all she could to prevent her castle from being washed away and she did,but he had already ruined it all.the sun had set on love.there she sat in the after glow mourning for what was and never could be.soaked to the skin,tears fell uncontrolably blurring her vision sobs racked her body as it lay there limp out in the cold as wave after came anc washed her sand castle away, her perfect life falling apart.she knows nothing can make up for what she went through,she knows that now life would just be a charade without him,she is aware but she must do it.she must make an exit.for nothing will ever make up for what was before and no longer so.she knows she will be blamed so she has nothing to do but submit to to it willingly.her mind fragmenting just at the thought of walking away from the ruins of their dreams but she must for there is no other way.she knows if she does he wont be there to call her back,persuading her to stay,she knows the love for her will be replaced by hate and resentment but she must walk away with a leaden heart and mind gone astray,to preserve her sanity and the love that kindles her heart even now but she must leave.she walks ahead as he lets her go not knowing what he has lost untill its too late.his calls will never be answered,his cries will never be heard.yet somewhere the love will be nurtured and kept alive, even when the sand castle had fallen to fate