Love or something like it?

Since it’s the season of love, I thought I ll have a relook at the last 7 years of my life and its brush with love.  You must be wondering why? Well it’s just because I want to do away with the freaking notion of love and the popular perception of me as the girl who had it all. Okay I am a bit upset… not make that a lot…but hell its my blog right… so I do get to rant. So scoot while you still can.

I have always been a girl who didn’t really want love. She read tons and tons of sappy sordid novels, which talked about a perfect guy, problems and love triumphing it all. Okay the perfect guy bit screwed up with my system but I could care less because I was happy in my own little world. Then came this silly neighbor who played the guitar, well he pretended to at least to get my attention. It was rocky and rather childish and after  a year of torment of thinking about the reasons why we care the way we do I knew I could do without with the thing called love. Specially I could do without someone who would not use me, who would be my friend who would love me as much as I did. So what happened? From the girl who had a semi relationship, to the one who found someone who convinced her that life is all about giving a chance, to risk it, to allow love to brighten the day. So after sis months of constant wooing, of contemplating love, I finally gave in but with just one aim, come what may this should last. The rest is history, if you have hung around this blog for the last 5 years of my writing it, you pretty much know everything. 

Then things fell apart. And I finally mustered the courage to walk away from something I gave my life to. And I know I did the right thing. Its been sometime, seven months to be exact and frankly I had lost track of time until now. Whenever I looked back, I did so with a smile, lovingly remembered all those beautiful moments, of times that was but that would never be, not with bitterness but with affection. But now I know its not, it never was pure and unadulterated love that I thought it was in the first place. That frankly took the wind out of my sails. And im not sure what love is anymore. Imagine what a fool I was to stick to a blind belief, going against the better judgment of loved ones to side without what I truly believed in, only to be told by the one that love wasn’t there, what was attraction and desire. So my notion of love and commitment kinda died a million times. 

So what is love?  Not that I really know, but here is what I really think love is. Love to me is to give my all to that one person, it can be day to day things, it can be feelings, thoughts, even those thoughts we think is not relevant. Its to share, to love as much as to lower one defences to allow the other person to love you. To care because you don’t know how not to. To give and not to expect in return. Yes the last bit hurts and why wont it, its not easy to love someone and know he is never ever gonna be yours, its sad to know that you connect with someone as if it were a dream and it is to be just not meant to be. But at the end of the day, I know I love Him enough for the both of us. So what I cant have a good nights sleep because His face is a constant dream that I see, so much that im paranoid at the thought of sleep. So what if my heart wrenches because my life feels empty without Him. Every morning my heart lurches painfully knowing He is not here and is never meant to be. Memories are all that I have but memories at times makes it difficult to breathe. No matter how much I smile, no matter where I go, no matter who I hang out with; I just miss Him, so much so that I want to give up everything in life and succumb to despair. But I know love is not as destructive as it is shown in movies, love is positive, it means to go on, it means to give and not be selfish, because if you give it a chance, love rescues you right back. 

Some love stories arent epic novels, some are just short stories it doesn't mean it’s any less filled with love. Its important to find the right reason to love and when you have found it, its important to cherish and nurture it because once lost, love will give you another chance but life wont. So love and let love!

I have found love in the unlikeliest of places in unlikeliest of person and even though I am not destined to have a ‘happily ever after’ with Him, my love for him gives me reason enough to scare the blues away and fight life, because what is life without love! Take care people and celebrate love, you need no Valentines Day to do it! :)

Pain penetrates me drop by drop

Darkness envelopes me
Tears glisten

Threatening to fall

Pain makes it hard to breathe

I have tried to

Muffle the sounds of memories

I have blocked the visions of us

From  putting up an appearance

But who will silence the heart

That so full of love

So consumed by your presence

That it has forgotten the reality

Like a moth drawn to fire

I felt drawn to you

I knew the end was near

But it never deterred me from you

No promises given

No promises sought

Present was all we had

And it was all we needed

Then why does the heart

Wince painfully

Why does the voice of reason

Not see what the heart feels

Why does tomorrow

Promise only of a dreary life

Devoid of love and happiness?

Devoid of you?

Some are meant to meet

To fall in love and then to part.

We were destined

A no different tomorrow.

It is but a matter of time

When the dreams will be shattered

Where our castle of love

Will be destroyed

And I will trudge along

Alone, as I have always been

Bearing my cross

In hopes of finding peace.

Reverie

She felt his arms snaking around her, pulling her close. She felt his lips on her name and she snuggled closer still. Minutes later she would open her eyes to peer into the depths of his eyes, so full of love, that smile that made her heart thud with joy. His lips would seek hers, and everything else blurred as they rode high on love and passion that threatened to consume them. They would later get out of bed, and hurriedly take a shower steal some more moments of intimacy before rushing to work. Life was blissful and she had met the guy who completed her in every way possible. But she knew that time was ticking and she would have to let go, soon. But that did not deter her; she loved him furiously with her entire being. She knew she would just have his memories to keep for a lifetime and getting hurt or ending up alone, did not frighten her anymore.

She stood there near the window sill, looking at the wast horizon stretched out in front of her. Skyscrapers jutted out obstructing her vision even from her 21^st floor office, she looked down to see tiny cars whizzing past, hussle and bustle ruled and life moved on at a break neck speed. Her Blackberry buzzed her hand notifying her of the new email, she choose to ignore it and sipped her coffee her eyes had a cold and distant look that her colleagues could easily identify with. They found her amicable but the coldness was hard to miss, her smile rarely reached her eyes and no one knew much about her other than the fact that she was the most ambitious and hard working employee in the team, whose workaholic nature was at the brink of insanity. She was indecipherable and she liked it that way.

Anticipation was the only thing that kept her alive... it saw her through those long days and those excruciatingly lonely nights. Life wasnt easy, she had to deal with a life that would never have Him. It was an informed choice, but still the heart bled, longed for him, to see that smile that adorns his lips, to see the twinkle in his eye. The heart constricted painfully and she physically flinched. Memories came back in a flash, those early morning chats over piping hot chai, sitting close and forgetting the world. Those long walks with her fingers entwined in his, stolen glances and smiles that lightened up her very being. Those days were now gone just like she had always known it would, he was gone and all that remained was memories, of happier times. Time that was theirs and theirs alone. She brushed aside a lone tear that that sneaked past giving away an otherwise stoic expression, and broke out of her reverie. Moving away from the window she placed her empty mug on the desk and flipped her laptop open and got back to work. There would be things she knew she would never have and she had made peace with it, the pain kept her alive but she knew the onward journey was hers to make, alone.

Circle of Life

Have you ever come across a time in life when you think life has come a full circle? Well it happened with me yesterday and its a nice and a funny incident that I thought could do wonders to lift the spirits of my blog! :)

Last year in January, I was still a student studying Journalism. Paranoid, apprehensive and unsure as to what lay ahead of me. I had by then become irregular to blogging but whenever I did post it was about campus placements, interviews, an my first brush with this competitive world of job hunting. You can read about my first placement day which in itself was a hilarious event in my life where I goofed up big time.So that was last year. Yesterday I found myself on the other side of the interview table where it was me who taking the interview. Yes it did wonders to my self confidence but more than which for once as an interviewer I know what each of the candidates were going through, so in itself it was a very humbling experience to say the least!

As a stream of freshers came and went, I noticed the beads of perspiration making its presence felt prominently. I saw the crossed fingers, the hopeful looks, the nervousness making the palms sweaty. As I sat there I wondered at the thoughts that must be coursing through the minds of these people who has walked into the room to try their luck to secure a job. I wondered just how they perceived of me! Did I appear to be someone serious, strict or someone they could be comfortable with?


I remember when this guy called Arun walked into the room he seemed to be a little fidgety. Halfway through he was perspiring like nobody's business. When I asked him to convince and sell me his tie, and I gave him a hard time, he just felt ready to fall apart. Ultimately i had to reach into my backpack to get him a tissue! I couldnt believe that people could take me seriously! :) All along I have been someone people are pally with, most of the jokes are like cracked on me and basically I couldnt imagine that there could be a time when even I could be someone to recon with (there goes... so much for an ego booster!! lol! :P) But jokes apart,  I was just doing my job there, and my heart went out to all those students who were at the threshold of an important phase of their lives.

I am amazed at how soon this past year has gone by. Its been like I have traveled to the moon and back. I wonder why, whenIi look back I cant look back in bitterness but only with a smile? Im glad I have chosen a brighter hue to look at life as opposed to my otherwise bleak and despair filled life, because I know if I dont smile, then tears are just a blink away! :) But this thing called circle of life, where we do come back to where we began our journey has always happened to me, and somehow it keeps recurring. Has it ever happened to you?

This song called "Circle of Life" fit my thoughts completely, so I thought of posting the lyrics here. Hope you like it.

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

Yearnings!

As the days slip by

It brings me closer still

To you, to us

Your thoughts are rampant

On my mind

I long to see your lips

Sporting a smile

The twinkle in your eye

Your deep voice

Calling my name

I long for your arms

Snaking around me

Pulling me close

Your lips on mine

Bringing me to life

I long to hear

The gurgle of laughter

To feel your possessive touch

Branding me

Making me yours!

I long to wake up

To your breath on my nape

Your lips kissing my blues away

Your presence

Brightening my day!

Time will fly

Years will go by

I will still have you

Here by my side

Love binding us

Closer still!

Thoughts of longing and despair!

Thoughts are rampant. They keep me company when loneliness shrouds my very existence. I think back to the days, not long ago when I was back home. Life was so different, so serene and so uncomplicated. As years wore on, with time, life has changed and so have I. regrets? I have none. I know I have achieved all that I had set to conquer, but there are those things that I had never anticipated. Some are very good but comes with its own set of problems something I had never bargained for. Every time I walk the long road home on Friday evenings after work, I feel a gloom fill me, I have a job I like, I have everything I had dreamed of, staying away from home, doing my own thing, making a life for myself, in a city of my dreams: Bangalore. But then why do the tall buildings that I always fancied not give me any warmth, why do the whooshing cards not thrill me anymore, why does the fancy gadgets I own not keep me company? Why do I have tears pricking my eyes and eventually run down uncontrollably? Why do I just long to see the faces of loved ones? I long for just a glimpse of them, I long to just rest my head on Ma's lap and to cry uncontrollably, I long to wake up to Dad's voice telling its kachouri for breakfast and for me to run to freshen up, I long to sleep peacefully in my bed and wake up in my room, to the sun streaming through the window, like it has always been... Alas! those days are but a rarity!


 A new city, a new life but I have a heart that is never at peace. Love reigns, its His thoughts that keeps me going, I know I’m headed nowhere but somehow it keeps me alive. I wonder, most often than not, how can I accept things half way? I have never been the kinds. What drives me to relish whatever I have got and not lament not getting more? Sometimes when despair strikes I wonder at the existence I have, how long will I be able to carry on the charade? Will I be able to walk away from love knowing it’s the right thing to do? Will there be a day when I wake up and not think of him, not need him, not love him anymore? Will there be someone who is meant just for me? Questions are all that I have. They make my existence now.

Counting My Many Blessings

Christmas is a time when you count your many blessings, that brightened your year. This year has been one steap ride but there has been things to be thankful for. Here are the few people I'm extremely blessed with and thankful for.

Mom and Dad: I took a decision in life which came as a shock to near and dear ones. What mattered most is how my parents would react to it all. They have stood by me, understood me and more than which they have supported me in one of the most difficult phases in my life. I'm totally thankful for.

Saroo: He has been my first colleague, a mentor, a friend and now he is simple indispensable to me. Life brought him to me when I was beginning a very crucial phase of my life. Life was falling apart, professional life had just started and more than which for the first time I was on my own; he was just there. Love is hardly a word I feel for him, today he means the world to me. I'm grateful for whatever time I got with him and I know this is for a lifetime.

Vaidu: Well what can I say, she is always the first to know when things go wrong. She is blunt, she is caring and she is always there, relentlessly. She is a friend I love and also I am scared of. She has guided me through some of the toughest times of my life. I really value her to death! 

Ipsy & Shubhankar: They are what you call as true friends. They may not be around all the time, there are times when we dont message, we dont talk for months, we live life as if we dont exist but when I needed to make sense to the world, when I knew the world would never understand me, they never batted an eyelid when I told them the one thing that changed me life forever. Not once did they judge me, but only said "I am there for you!" Love you guys!!

Yes last 6 months has been a roller coaster.. with some bad experiences balanced out with the good ones..memories are... well all I have and if anything I think it keeps me going!! :) I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!! And Hey! Dont forget to count the people who made a difference to your life, because loved ones are worth it!! :)

Its better to be alone and lonely than be with people

and still feel the same

You will never betray yourself, You will never let yourself down

The world will not understand you

But You will always will. 

You ignite the fire in me
The desire to take on the world
To fight against all odds
To smile at adversity
That is our reality

You fill me with so much love
That I know I can survive
The world is still a better place to live
That love is not lost
I can because you want me to

You instill a sense of pride
I know I am worth it
That world will judge me
But I will still be me
Because I know I am loved by you.

You have become the reason
Why I smile
Let the tears dry
Let my heart feel alive
Life is beautiful
Because I know I'm loved by you.

Your thoughts

I feel a sense of love.

Of belonging

Take over…

I feel you near

Yours is the last thought

That adorns my lashes before

I drift off to sleep

Yours is the thought

That brightens my day

Nothing seems dull anymore

Loneliness envelopes me

Solitude my steady companion

But never for once does your thoughts

Bring with it regrets

Life will never be the same

Without you

For we were always

Destined to live life apart.

But it does not bother the heart

For it knows that you are

Safely cocooned in my thoughts

Buried in the very existence of my being

It is there, you are mine

Mine alone.

I have made peace with the god

Who cannot grant me you

I know that no matter what

You are there

Its as if I can feel you near

I close my eyes to find you here

Hugging me close

Whispering sweet nothings

Life seems a bliss

As tears bring with it

A jolt back to reality

Reality is that we were never meant to be

The love that we still share

Can never be granted

The bonds can never last

Letting go I will have to someday

Not now…

Memories are all that I have

Memories are all I can ever have

In my memories you are mine

Mine alone

And memories will last me a lifetime…