Thoughts of longing and despair!

Thoughts are rampant. They keep me company when loneliness shrouds my very existence. I think back to the days, not long ago when I was back home. Life was so different, so serene and so uncomplicated. As years wore on, with time, life has changed and so have I. regrets? I have none. I know I have achieved all that I had set to conquer, but there are those things that I had never anticipated. Some are very good but comes with its own set of problems something I had never bargained for. Every time I walk the long road home on Friday evenings after work, I feel a gloom fill me, I have a job I like, I have everything I had dreamed of, staying away from home, doing my own thing, making a life for myself, in a city of my dreams: Bangalore. But then why do the tall buildings that I always fancied not give me any warmth, why do the whooshing cards not thrill me anymore, why does the fancy gadgets I own not keep me company? Why do I have tears pricking my eyes and eventually run down uncontrollably? Why do I just long to see the faces of loved ones? I long for just a glimpse of them, I long to just rest my head on Ma's lap and to cry uncontrollably, I long to wake up to Dad's voice telling its kachouri for breakfast and for me to run to freshen up, I long to sleep peacefully in my bed and wake up in my room, to the sun streaming through the window, like it has always been... Alas! those days are but a rarity!


 A new city, a new life but I have a heart that is never at peace. Love reigns, its His thoughts that keeps me going, I know I’m headed nowhere but somehow it keeps me alive. I wonder, most often than not, how can I accept things half way? I have never been the kinds. What drives me to relish whatever I have got and not lament not getting more? Sometimes when despair strikes I wonder at the existence I have, how long will I be able to carry on the charade? Will I be able to walk away from love knowing it’s the right thing to do? Will there be a day when I wake up and not think of him, not need him, not love him anymore? Will there be someone who is meant just for me? Questions are all that I have. They make my existence now.

Counting My Many Blessings

Christmas is a time when you count your many blessings, that brightened your year. This year has been one steap ride but there has been things to be thankful for. Here are the few people I'm extremely blessed with and thankful for.

Mom and Dad: I took a decision in life which came as a shock to near and dear ones. What mattered most is how my parents would react to it all. They have stood by me, understood me and more than which they have supported me in one of the most difficult phases in my life. I'm totally thankful for.

Saroo: He has been my first colleague, a mentor, a friend and now he is simple indispensable to me. Life brought him to me when I was beginning a very crucial phase of my life. Life was falling apart, professional life had just started and more than which for the first time I was on my own; he was just there. Love is hardly a word I feel for him, today he means the world to me. I'm grateful for whatever time I got with him and I know this is for a lifetime.

Vaidu: Well what can I say, she is always the first to know when things go wrong. She is blunt, she is caring and she is always there, relentlessly. She is a friend I love and also I am scared of. She has guided me through some of the toughest times of my life. I really value her to death! 

Ipsy & Shubhankar: They are what you call as true friends. They may not be around all the time, there are times when we dont message, we dont talk for months, we live life as if we dont exist but when I needed to make sense to the world, when I knew the world would never understand me, they never batted an eyelid when I told them the one thing that changed me life forever. Not once did they judge me, but only said "I am there for you!" Love you guys!!

Yes last 6 months has been a roller coaster.. with some bad experiences balanced out with the good ones..memories are... well all I have and if anything I think it keeps me going!! :) I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!! And Hey! Dont forget to count the people who made a difference to your life, because loved ones are worth it!! :)

Its better to be alone and lonely than be with people

and still feel the same

You will never betray yourself, You will never let yourself down

The world will not understand you

But You will always will. 

You ignite the fire in me
The desire to take on the world
To fight against all odds
To smile at adversity
That is our reality

You fill me with so much love
That I know I can survive
The world is still a better place to live
That love is not lost
I can because you want me to

You instill a sense of pride
I know I am worth it
That world will judge me
But I will still be me
Because I know I am loved by you.

You have become the reason
Why I smile
Let the tears dry
Let my heart feel alive
Life is beautiful
Because I know I'm loved by you.

Your thoughts

I feel a sense of love.

Of belonging

Take over…

I feel you near

Yours is the last thought

That adorns my lashes before

I drift off to sleep

Yours is the thought

That brightens my day

Nothing seems dull anymore

Loneliness envelopes me

Solitude my steady companion

But never for once does your thoughts

Bring with it regrets

Life will never be the same

Without you

For we were always

Destined to live life apart.

But it does not bother the heart

For it knows that you are

Safely cocooned in my thoughts

Buried in the very existence of my being

It is there, you are mine

Mine alone.

I have made peace with the god

Who cannot grant me you

I know that no matter what

You are there

Its as if I can feel you near

I close my eyes to find you here

Hugging me close

Whispering sweet nothings

Life seems a bliss

As tears bring with it

A jolt back to reality

Reality is that we were never meant to be

The love that we still share

Can never be granted

The bonds can never last

Letting go I will have to someday

Not now…

Memories are all that I have

Memories are all I can ever have

In my memories you are mine

Mine alone

And memories will last me a lifetime…

Of Memories of Bygone Times...

I sip coffee from the same mug
That would kiss your lips once
I let my mind take me away
To a lost time …
A time when every morning was
Filled with laughter and so much love
That unhappiness was forgotten
Reality lurked in the shadows
Seeking an apt moment to strike
We lived like there was no tomorrow..
Tomorrow lay shrouded in oblivion
Then it happened
Just the way we knew it would.

Then why does the heart not relent,
Hurting, pining for You
Despite knowing the consequences
Why does the pain magnify with each passing day!
Despite knowing that the end is inevitable
Why do I surrender to the torture of today?
The heart bleeds,
But it loves some more, each day!

Some star crossed lovers we were,
Instead of promising a lifetime of togetherness
We prepared each other for a lifetime of solitude
A life that could and would never have ‘us’
A life that would be barren,
Without the loving touches
Without loved one to wake up to
A life that would be devoid of
Smiles and the laughter that was ours.
Ours alone…
Devoid of your hands
Laced into mine..
Your smell clinging to my skin
Your touches branding me.

I knew it would be like
How it is now.
But the tears run down, incessantly
When the guard is down
And loneliness creeps in.
The heart longs for you
Just a glimpse of that smile
That caresses your lips
The twinkle in your eyes
As your face lightens up.
Those days are long since gone
Like you had warned me
It would
But the longing remains rampant
Memories of 'us' my only companion.

Vortex of desire

Your thoughts intoxicate me
Pushing me into a dreamless haze
The caresses leaving behind
A burning trail
Sensations coursing through
Making me aware of the
Sheer power of the need
Churning a deep seated desire
Desire to be loved, to be craved
To be taken and to be liberated
More than which to belong.
Your touches linger
taking me higher
Plunging me deeper into
the sensations that overpower me.
And I'm lost
Lost in you.
The love in your eyes
reflects in the gentlest
of touches.
The huskiness in your voice
is like the vortex of passion
Drawing me closer and closer
I surrender.
I surrender to you
I surrender to the love
That brought us closer
Uniting us one
Just you and me
Defying the rules of the world.

Tears of grief and longing

Today is just one of those days

When the pain in unbearable

The despair is gnawing at my soul

Tears are threatening to spill

It fills to the brim and overflows, unabashed

The pain makes me wonder out aloud

Why me? A voice in me answers

‘Because you are strong enough to tide through it all!’

But I don’t want to be the strong one

I don’t want to put up a façade of being brave

I wish I could just succumb to the pain that is tearing me apart

I want a pair of strong arms, His, to pull me up

Up against him, rocking me as I break down

His voice firm and full of love telling me,

That he is there, and I shall survive.

I break out of my reverie

Tears have left a soggy trail behind

I look for his arms, but he has long since gone

Just as I had known he would

Then why does the pain still rip me apart

Every time nostalgia visits me?

Life is changed manifolds

Never to be reversed again…

Thoughts make it hard to breathe
I feel myself free falling
into the vortex of despair
deeper and deeper
into nothingness
Pain tearing me apart.

Happier times are like a mirage
they disappear as i reach out
Unanswered questions gnaws at my soul
Why me? I ask myself
i hear muted sobs,mine in return
As loneliness stares backs..

How long must I carry on the charade?
how long will the ordeal continue?
how long before relief comes through?
Uncertainties are rampant
Peace still eludes me,
Long road ahead before I can repose.

Golmaal 3

I am not really a movie going kinds.. unless of course if its something sensible or romantic, then you know I ll be there.. so Golmaal 3 or Action Replay or even Dabaangg is not really my kinda movie.. but when you have a friend for company, and have time to kill and its just 9 am in the morning what do you do? We buy tickets for Golmaal 3 and walk in the Cineplex leaving our brains behind. That’s exactly what you should do before you go and watch this movie.

The movie has bright colours splashed all over, sun beach, pretty looking Kareena as arm candy amidst 5 other men, Ajay Devgan (the guy manages to appear hot even at 45 J) Arshad Warsi (lukewarm) Tushaar Kapoor (now a tad bit repetitive but brilliant performance as the dumb guy) Sheryas Talpade and Kunal Khemu ( totally wasted!). The movie is good in patches, laugh riot completely but then there were places when it felt as if you were forced to smile or literally held at gunpoint to laugh at jokes that fell flat. But having said that, some dialogues which made no sense to the scene was absolutely a treat! Mithun chakroborty in a comic avatar was really a surprise and did a commendable job even at this age. His dialogue to his girl friend’s father “jinke ghar sheeshay ke hote hain… who basement mein kapde badaltein hai!” tickled people pink. Music was pretty situational, nothing to rant about. The action sequence was well scripted and directed. In all the movie does manage well as a laughter filled time pass, a paisa wasool for sure… high on style quotient and a sure shot way to beat the blues of mundane world away!