reunited!

Tua,Jeet,Shilpa and Putu

Something really nice happened the other day when i was walking back home,i crossed this girl who reminded me vaguely of this childhood friend of mine.i wasn't sure because i haven't set my eyes on her for the last 7 years and i must say i was a bit taken aback.hesitantly i went back and enquired politely if she was Shilpa.suddenly i felt a steam roller was launched on me,and the air sucked out as a pair of arms clung to me in recognition.indeed it was her...now taller and prettier but she is still her flamboyant and spontaneous self and that was very heartening.....what followed a few days later was phone calls and a "program" was fixed and we decided to meet up.during our childhood we were a huge gang[mostly girls] and we used to play cricket on the streets;since almost all have grown up and shifted out of the locality it was not possible to inform all to come over.... it was like old times when all of us huddled in my room...sipping coffee and having massive "adda sessions"... Shilpa and her bro Jeet's leaving the locality was not a very happy one as some silly fights made it impossible for us then to even bid them a formal goodbye...but i am glad with time,those wounds have healed and it is just like old times... this picture features four of my childhood playmates.... Vartika and Mrinalika [others from the gang]..missed you guys...maybe some day we will have even more grand a reunion.its always great to meet up old friends and renew friendships...... here is to happier times... cheers!!!

A reason that keeps me excited and happy these days is the prospect of a trip to Delhi.Delhi holds a very special place in my life because of several reasons,firstly, Puneet. i have known him for almost 5 years or more now,he has been my friend through thick and thin and in may ways he made me a woman from a girl.he has known me from the time i was a pesky teen,with not care in the world.he has seen me delirious over sleepovers as well as seen me go through a heartbreak.it is he who gave food for my thoughts and wings to my imagination.sad but true,i have written longest emails,chatted online for hours,we have spoken almost three hours on an STD+roaming charges;but i have never met him.this maybe the first and last opportunity to meet him, for his health doesn't permit him to travel far and wide and my traveling to Delhi is not an easy thing.

I told dad, that i needed a vacation bad,and he is always unable to accompany me for more than two days.moreover i would have to move out of the city in 1 year and 6 months later.so i wanted to explore a city on my own.to travel and gain experience for life ahead.i knew somewhere that i would not make sense to my family but amazing my dad understood my wanting a change and to undertake this journey.this is my first maiden voyage.so naturally mom is worried sick,and relatives and friends adding to the tension by making negative comments are not helping either.but otherwise the plan is set.

visiting a place like Delhi is a delight for more reasons than one.meeting puneet maybe a big reason but the city in itself has always attracted me.its withs rich historical and cultural legacy it is the one place i could be lost forever in wonder and appreciation.it would be an icing on the cake if i get to visit Agra from Delhi..another historical place that i had always dreamt of visiting,there are a few other plans in the pipe line,i just hope it all works out fine...then it will be a dream vacation...will keep updating you all for the finalized plan...cheerio!

Restoration

Even though the chill is in the air, and the winter has finally arrived, life has a different tale to tell. it was for all to see; that the tough phase that i had had to endure in the past, but not anymore, the winter of my life is finally receding and the spring is knocking at the doors.

Like a ray of the glowing sun brightens up the room and fills the soul with a renewed vigor, the hope that the night will be replaced by the day has been reinstated. with a series of unfortunate events, a heavy heart and life that had stopped breathing, negativity had permeated in every part of my life and within me. but the gloom has been lifted, its time to be happy once more. my patience and suffering has paid of, and now its yet another beginning.hopefully all the unfortunate events have been left behind and the recovery is complete and the zest to move on ever strong. its time to heave a sigh of relief that "hardship is over" maybe momentarily.

The beginning of the end began when i put in a conscious effort to be happy, then the realization dawned that by nature i am a cheerful person.once i started being happy everything else fell into place. the though time i was facing with Samik has now been replaced by bountiful of love. smile never leaves our faces and longing from our heart.it seems that we have gone back in time, to the time we were initially dating almost three years back. just a little effort on both our parts have worked wonders for our relationship, it is no longer dormant but blossoming.it has been leased a new life and the happiness that we get is sometimes barely enough to last during the week, when the eagerness to meet during the weekend takes over.

I have found the strength to look back at my now past without flinching or any sense of emotion.there is no residual sense of anguish or grudge, by freeing negativity i freed my soul.my perpetrators have come back to me, the focus here is not of forgiveness or regret, it is a sense of justice.time has turned in my favor.no,this is not about glorifying in my achievements, but a celebration of restoration of peace, harmony and happiness back in my life..

I have always believed that i get whatever i want sooner or later and this has been proven right on more occasions than one, and this time is no different.i have been dying to meet Puneet for 5 long years of my life.he is my mentor, and my friend.it has always been a dream a desire that i kept hidden in my heart, secretly longing to meet the guy to whom i'm indebted to for more ways than one.the prospect of meeting up was almost near to nill as either Puneet's health or family obligations would prevent him to travel to Kolkata or allow me to travel to Delhi.but that is all about to change; as i am going to Delhi for a week, not only to meet him but on a vacation too,all own my own,but thats another post.

Happiness comes to those who allows happiness to seep into the heart and spread its splendor everywhere.it is we who complicate life.nothing can be greater than finding happiness in times of trial.it comes to those who seek it.

Are you still wondering if my exams have finished or not?well it hasn't even begun.actually i couldn't restrain myself anymore.i just had to come back and write. i was getting bored and not just that i really missed my blog.and what about my preparation???well its in an all time low,i know it but some how my mind hasn't registered it yet,but it will soon.And knowing me i will brave through this too,i will put in more effort, stay up nights,panic, throw up, drinks galleons of tea or coffee but i ll get through with descent grades.so the blogging continues. its really great to be back!

i never really thought i would ever do this. but then desperate situations call for desperate means. my exams are just 14 days off and i need to concentrate.so formally i am taking a break from blogging.i may appear now and then, and if i cant control myself i may even blog in between;but this decision had to be reached for all day i keep thinking what is it that i really want to do to make my blog better or blog topics...time now is to study not while time away.i will be online,on and off to read and comment.in case anyone wants to reach me i will be available in

Gtalk:mail2raka and,
Email:mail2raka@gmail.com

do take care...and keep blogging...
cheerio!

tag again!

I'm stealing this one from kaylee....frankly i am bored and i have nothing much to do...so here's another tag! :P

8 things I am passionate about:

• blog
• books
• family
• close friends
• studies
• literature
• music
• sports

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die:

• write a book
• learn to cook like a pro
• go on a world tour
• paint a pretty picture
• meet Puneet
• have babies of my own
• and own my own home.

8 Things I Often Say:

• damn!
• o crap!
• i so wanna run away!
• what the fu**!
• what the hell is ur problem?
• how rude
• no one loves me...
• mera bad luck hi kharap hai [my bad luck is bad]

8 Books I’ve Read Recently (or Still Reading):

• by the river peidra i sat down and wept!
• alchemist
• my feudal lord
• the best is yet to come
• paradise lost
• macbeth
• prince
• lazarillo de tormes

the last three were in my syllabus,i hope that counts too

8 Things that Attract Me to my Best Friends:

• honestly
• ability to give and receive
• transparency
• straight forwardness
• lucidity in conduct
• sincerity
• loyalty
• integrity

Diwali Pics!

In Quest Of Happiness!

The Happy Face:ME

I have had enough. And I am so tired and exhausted being sad and depressed. And I look so ugly too with that practiced calm on my face. Damn! I’ve been melancholy for ages it seems and now I want to smile, life is tough and no one will make it any easier for me. Then why not do something to get rid of the plague called “depression”. I made up my mind to go on a “I am going to try and be happy” drive, what I realized that no one absolutely no one had the power to make me unhappy it is me who is allowing things to effect me the wrong way, causing me to be unhappy. Why not beat my negativity and strive to be happy? I just have to add that my first day at it was a major success. I was not in pursuit of happiness, but I tried hunting it down within me. I know I am happy but it got clouded by so much of negative feelings running through me. I was angry at my peers for being so mean to me and moreover on me because I couldn’t combat their meanness, I was unhappy at Samik because he just wont give me the happiness I deserve, and I had failed to make any kind of impact on him regarding my woes; he was as indifferent as ever. Last but not the least; I was disappointed in me, that despite putting in so much of hard work I just couldn’t manage to get the right grades. God! How I had converted my mind and heart into a garbage dump but adding my negativity to already tough life! Sheesh!! I must be some mental of sorts! “Why me” thoughts didn’t help either. Terrible terrible. And yesterday while I was being narcissistic and taking my own pics, I realized I thought I looked best by appearing serious or gruff, but then out of nowhere what I was doing came to my mind and I actually smiled and that very moment the flash went off and the pic was well.. Nice! I mean I can look good even while smiling so why wasn’t I? God! I must have been so mad to indulge myself with the negativity that always threatens to overpower us.

Earlier I was this bindas girl! Tomboyish, I dint have the worry in the world. But I had troubles too; regarding my crush on whom I had been crushing for 4 long years, my nagging parents who wanted me to get good grades in mathematics and I was never interested to comply to their wishes [ I was a rebel to the core]. I had fun to the full blast! I was always up to something, a naughty smile always perched on my lips, in my free time I was always planning new ways to combat mom and dad when they forced me to do something I just hated. I even devised an ingenious plan to rebel against mom, who never allowed me to read mills and boons. I got a stack of the books, put them in a polly bag and then tied a string to it and I lowered it from the terrace to the window of the bathroom which only I used. Obviously what followed were long, longer and longest bathroom sessions, I used to be in there for hours reading the books, the pot became my throne and the books my septre and the bathroom my kingdom, just to think I defeated mom at her game filled me up with a renewed glee …. There was never a situation I couldn’t control to my best advantage. I would run about with no concern of my long flowing hair, which needed care, climbing up some wall or another or going on long cycle rides or playing cricket on the streets with boys. Mom used to be hopping mad seeing a 14year old jumping around in the locality. God! What days those were… then what happened? I grew up! Lol! Or so I thought :P disgusting then I became prim and proper, I started to take care of myself and worrying about things that I could afford not to, no parents didn’t encourage me for the change I did, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.

I know now it’s different, then I was 13 and now I am 20… but who cares... I am still young and the child in me hasn’t yet grown up, even though my mind has, I can still learn things in life without changing myself. One day of forcefully trying to be happy has taught me that I don’t have to force anything on me, naturally I am a happy person, its just that I tend to think and indulge myself in my thoughts a bit too much. I am a very optimistic person, seeing people depressed or indulging into pessimism has an impact on me too. I guess I have been reading or deal with a bit too many unhappy people who prefer to bask in their unhappiness and misfortune instead or trying to get out of it. Yesterday I lone diya taught me so much. In a room, pitch dark, a lone diya brightened up the whole room and also the adjacent one. Optimism and happiness are such things, if you are happy and positive you make others think the way you do and this way good cheer spreads so. I just hope someday I am able to emit so much happiness that others around will be equally happy and spread it. There will be enough time to cry and mourn. People come and go, friends become strangers, death distances everyone from their loved one, but isn’t it how it should be sooner or later? We are born to live, so what not make the full use of it? Trust me it feels great to smile, to feel the warm fuzzy feeling to spread all over. Its easier to bask in our pain and agony, sulking over how it hurts will make things just worse, why not defeat it all and let happiness ooze out which is dying to overflow with just try to free it… why not let the spirits fly… [in total fhilmi ishtyle] kya pata kal ho na ho [who knows if there is a tomorrow or not] :D

i am happy..... are you??

i dont think i could have celebrated my 200th post in any better way!

Congratulations Bloggy!!!

The Grand Interview!

I have been very excited to do this but now i am not too sure,i am too scared that people will trash me but do be kind and read through...Mann i love the way you framed the questions please do forgive me if i make an utter fool of myself....

Here are the Rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and may offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1 Hey Raka... I'm so sorry for being this late... But you know how it gets during holidays... I'm so glad we're finally going to do this... Ok... Lets start off with you pen name... Phoenix's are extremely powerful mythical creatures... Their most unique trait being that they burn and rise again from their ashes... So was there a particular reason why you chose this name?

ahem...well basically i never had someone to fall back on whenever i needed a shoulder to cry on...more often than not actually.... from my very childhood.i was never close to my parents,my sister is way older to me and a is a moron, and my friends,excepting a few i am not really that close to them to reveal personal details...so whatever the problems were, i dealt with it according to what i felt was right and i think i have done a good job at it,i have brought myself up in a grand way... :D *thank you thank you*. after every hurdle that i face.. i matured as a person.. and i brave though all of them knowing that some day this will end i will come out triumphant...just like the phoenix rising from the ashes... i rebuild my life from the scratch,heal my broken and bruised heart....does that mean i stop loving people or don't get hurt anymore?hell no!i get hurt over and over again but in the end i do survive and rise again!


2 That's really cool... I wish I'd come up with that... You've described yourself as a dreamer and philanthropist... What are your dreams for the society? What would you do to try and turn even a little bit of them into reality?

I have raised my voice against social evils ranging from child sexual abuse to simple things like personal hygiene and the social outlook of women and general issues like perversion...i just believe that there is so many changes we can bring about if we just try...we are all too lackadaisical....to even contemplate that these changes can be brought about....being a girl i know what girls face on the roads...and that is why even if i can change 1 person who reads my blog i think i have done my bit for my society..as a mere citizen i don't think i can change the far greater issues but i surely can do my bit towards the day to day problems that people face. i really hope that people will learn from me that always its not wise to act diplomatically,there are far important things than home and hearth...our society needs us to be a little more thoughtful and it needs us to voice our opinion...so with a lot of faith in me and my abilities to express my views i use my space to urge people to make a difference...

o yeah..after my post social menace...Jeya told me..i was about to protest about the things that you had written in your post about most men leching and portraying men in bad light...but then i realized you were not trying to typecast all men...just stating a fact.....its really heartening to see people read and think and if required change their outlook if that happens to be a bit faulty...if its not..then all the more good for people having same views for the society together can educate others to make a difference too...

3 Wow... That's very impressive... I know that your studies and everything keep you very busy... But when you do find the time to hear yourself think... What do you find yourself wanting to do? If you had a month off from all the craziness that happens in student life, how would you spend it?

Well... i simply love talking to myself...its something i truly love,other than blogging of course...that's why probably I'm not that prone to loneliness as others would be...whether its that long walk to or from college,or travelling to my tuition's or sitting vaguely in class or even maybe taking a bath..i tend to give my mind a free reign and as a rule i take time out every once in a while to analyse what is it that i am going through,and what is it that i want and just whats it that botters me,i just cannot deal with the fact,that i donot know wassup with me,i love analysing myself....

1 month is a lot,even if i get 1 day i would indulge in my private fantasy-more often than not i feel like packing my bags and go to a beach,all alone,where i can be alone from everything familiar to me,doing the things that i want to do-reading a good book,hearing my favourite songs and on a lappy type out my thoughts for my blog....other than that i always allow myself to dream of the things that i so want to do..and owning a one room apartment in a skyscraper,which i would call my home,i would have this puppy whom i'd call Cupid and it would yap at my feet,licking me to welcome me back home...aaaah!dreams.... :)

4 That's sounds like fun... Do you mind if I join you?
not at all...infact i would love to have you around....i like spending time with like minded people....and moreover its always fun to interact with different people and knowing the crazy person that you are,i am sure i am going to have a blast with you around....specially since your run away wedding idea has appealed to me more than you'll ever know.....

this has been lots of fun... I hope you enjoyed yourself too... Here's wishing you all the very best with everything... I'm looking forward to reading more from you...
oh c'mon its been totally my pleasure i was paranoid about this whole interview thingy and i am so glad you were the one to interview me because i got so caught up with the questions you had put forward for me that i forgot to even feel scared.....thanks a ton firewhisky for this!had a blast!

How feasible is “what we want”?

Often the one thing that most feel, and believe and in turn advise others to do is, one should always do what one wants. Sometimes social restraints, sometimes moral restraints, or sometimes responsibilities and codes of conduct prevent us from doing so. Just like the thought, “what could have been…” is luring; similarly “follow your heart!”- The statement is something equally lethal when it comes to how misleading it could be. Many a time I have been told and I too myself have told people to follow what the heart desires… but what makes me wonder is the after effect of what we actually desire? How do we know if what we want is feasible or it is attainable or not?

She sits on the park bench isolated yet not alone. Its her thoughts that keep her company. Her life is in a mess, she needs to make those 5 year plans of her life, she needs to take decisions and move on, her family requires her and her relationship is as good as over. Caught between what her heart desires and what is expected of her, she is confused and distressed. The duel between her heart and mind never ceases. First it was whether she should leave the city for better prospect in career front leaving behind a family who needs her. Her heart wants her to pursue her dreams for she knows if not now then never, she would be reduced to a piece of furniture in due coarse of time. But it is her mind that reminds her of her duty towards her parents. People tell her to follow her heart but how can she turn away from her parents who have made her whatever she is.

Her relationship too is headed nowhere, he is never by her side to support her instead she is left all alone to deal with the troubles of time alone. Quite frequently she wonders whether or not she should be with Him, they have been dating for a long time now. They may seem perfect together but in reality they were far from it. A workaholic he rarely has time for her and when He does, by then she has already learned to live with her loneliness and has removed herself from Him. She silently suffers His indifference who knowing her plight won’t do a thing, and has said so in as many words. So she has accepted her fate and had given in to the fact that things won’t ever change. She wants to break free from Him, knowing that he will be forever indifferent to her needs and a life with him would mean a lot of compromises, feelings would have to be sacrificed and hopes and dreams mercilessly strangled. Her mind tells her she is still better off, she knows the person who she would end up with, better than marrying a complete stranger. Moreover being with Him is now almost a second skin, it would be even unthinkable to move on, leaving Him behind. Her heart tells her she needs more, a bit more of love and attention. It tells her to be with one who would return her love, who would love her like no tomorrow, to whom she‘ll be the world, yet he would respect her for what she was and more. Mind tells that nothing from dreams ever come true, they are just figments of our imagination, no-one is perfect, one should accept and embrace the imperfections and mould them into happiness. She has tried, following her heart she has tried to either get accustomed to His indifference, to understand his plight, to sacrifice her emotions; but she has failed repeatedly. Now what remains is a carcass what had been and maybe never will be.

Bowed down by the weight of problems troubling her, she knows not how to resolve the situation, instead of improving things go from bad to worse. She was tired of struggling to survive and battling against all odds and come out triumph and now all she needed is an inch of clear blue sky with no thunder clouds threatening to darken her horizon. All her heart desires is to just pack off and leave on a long long vacation. Away from anyone or anything that she is familiar with. To build her life and her dreams from the very beginning. To indulge in painting, something she had always wanted to do. To buy that house that she had dreamt of from her very childhood. To live life carefree and not look back to all those who have harmed her and left her to pick up bits and pieces of her life and compelling her to rise from her ashes… a gentle breeze ruffled her hair, causing it to fall over her eyes, she was rudely brought out from her reverie and she sighed! Only if this was possible she wondered…..

More often than not we follow what we are expected to do or do what our mind says and what we truly want takes the back seat. Among the complexities that life hurls at us, our desires are castrated and there are no tears to bleed or acknowledgement of the sad demise. We learn in due coarse of time to act as per what we have to, quite contrary to what people advice us to do. Following the tiny voice in our heart, that yells and begs us to do what the heart desires, which by then doesn’t count anymore. It is not only about how we do what we should or expected to but the biggest question that we are confronted with is, how correct are we in our desires? What if following what we really want lands us in trouble? What if it is not the right path for us and we land up messing our life up? Will it still be worth it? Will we be able to console ourselves by saying ‘ I did what I really wanted, and even if now I know it wasn’t really the correct thing to do and now I am totally screwed up; I know that I did what my heart told me to do’ ? Or do we listen to our mind and land up quite successful in life, but with this nagging thought ‘what would have happened if I had taken the chance?

What could have been...

What could have been but is not is a rather potent and dangerously tempting, luring one to unknown. Wondering about it... is momentary bliss, which can often end up not so pleasantly, and when the illusion breaks and one is forced to embrace the reality, it is anything but pleasant, rather heartbreaking..

She walks through the empty platform towards the end, waiting for the train to come, thoughts come thick and fast. She shivers as a chill runs down her spine as her mind drifts off, she suddenly remember what He had once told her, whenever you are lonely I will always be in your thoughts at least to keep you company. She smiles as a tear escapes her otherwise leak proof eye-lids. ” I’m after all not all that tough.. I took him out of my life but never away from my thoughts..” she muttered as she allowed herself to think… one night, she had woken up suddenly, must have dreamt of something, the other side of her bed seemed empty and the coldness of the expanse beside her filled her with a sudden loneliness that reduced her to immediate inconsolable tears. She gave in this time, letting the darkness masquerade the tears that had been threatening for a long time. She dint know what occurred to her that she sent Him a text expressing how lonely she felt all of a sudden with no reason at all. It was after the text was delivered that she realized what she had just done, she had almost bled inwardly yet firmly she had chosen to ignore the obvious signs of love, refusing to read more into the matter, for his and her own good; and now she had reached out to the man who had made her a woman from a girl, who had taught her to fight for the one you love and she had in turn pushed him away and now she herself reached out for Him, knowing well that she may hurt him yet again. The screen of her cell began to flicker, it was Him, He was calling her back, even after what she had done to him. He must really love me to do this for me, must hurt Him damn much, yet for me He is still right there, waiting… what if we were together….. it has been 5 years and yet she wonders.. it is ‘what could have been’… that keeps her ticking even now, when he is no more and she still walks the same streets where they used walked light years back… she had outlived him but the thought of what would have happened if only she had allowed herself keeps her regretting and it is the regret that keeps her alive….

It is always what could have been that is intriguing and captivating.. if one allows oneself to drift one can easily loose oneself…and its one of the greatest temptation one can ever have… almost like the mirage in the desert.. What one hungers for, one sees and running after it foolishly one looses whatever one has… dwelling in a supposition often ruins the present as well as for the tomorrow that is yet to dawn. Living a lifetime of regret is one colossal weight to carry but life is not always fair and ‘shit does happen’… either one should just take the plunge and just do it, freeing the spirit and the soul from shackles of moral codes of conduct or doing the right thing; one just stick to the decision one has taken come what may. Pondering over what could have been and never could be will only complicate things… life never fails to amaze me… its intricacies … course of nature.. How even though one is hurt, but it is within oneself that there lies the cure to all the wounds, how with time there is nothing that cannot be achieved or healed.. I loved this dialogue where in the movie Jab We Met, Geet [Karrena] tells Aditya [Shahid] that she loves the game called life, “main meri favourite hoon” [I am my favorite!] it’s the simplicity in Geets thoughts and spirit that kept me wondering… what if the experience of life doesn’t not manage to make us cynical probably we would be better off…. But it’s the ‘what if..’ that keeps things unfinished… what if the ‘what if’s ‘could have been eradicated from the face of the earth? “What could have been but can never be… “