Your thoughts

I feel a sense of love.

Of belonging

Take over…

I feel you near

Yours is the last thought

That adorns my lashes before

I drift off to sleep

Yours is the thought

That brightens my day

Nothing seems dull anymore

Loneliness envelopes me

Solitude my steady companion

But never for once does your thoughts

Bring with it regrets

Life will never be the same

Without you

For we were always

Destined to live life apart.

But it does not bother the heart

For it knows that you are

Safely cocooned in my thoughts

Buried in the very existence of my being

It is there, you are mine

Mine alone.

I have made peace with the god

Who cannot grant me you

I know that no matter what

You are there

Its as if I can feel you near

I close my eyes to find you here

Hugging me close

Whispering sweet nothings

Life seems a bliss

As tears bring with it

A jolt back to reality

Reality is that we were never meant to be

The love that we still share

Can never be granted

The bonds can never last

Letting go I will have to someday

Not now…

Memories are all that I have

Memories are all I can ever have

In my memories you are mine

Mine alone

And memories will last me a lifetime…

Of Memories of Bygone Times...

I sip coffee from the same mug
That would kiss your lips once
I let my mind take me away
To a lost time …
A time when every morning was
Filled with laughter and so much love
That unhappiness was forgotten
Reality lurked in the shadows
Seeking an apt moment to strike
We lived like there was no tomorrow..
Tomorrow lay shrouded in oblivion
Then it happened
Just the way we knew it would.

Then why does the heart not relent,
Hurting, pining for You
Despite knowing the consequences
Why does the pain magnify with each passing day!
Despite knowing that the end is inevitable
Why do I surrender to the torture of today?
The heart bleeds,
But it loves some more, each day!

Some star crossed lovers we were,
Instead of promising a lifetime of togetherness
We prepared each other for a lifetime of solitude
A life that could and would never have ‘us’
A life that would be barren,
Without the loving touches
Without loved one to wake up to
A life that would be devoid of
Smiles and the laughter that was ours.
Ours alone…
Devoid of your hands
Laced into mine..
Your smell clinging to my skin
Your touches branding me.

I knew it would be like
How it is now.
But the tears run down, incessantly
When the guard is down
And loneliness creeps in.
The heart longs for you
Just a glimpse of that smile
That caresses your lips
The twinkle in your eyes
As your face lightens up.
Those days are long since gone
Like you had warned me
It would
But the longing remains rampant
Memories of 'us' my only companion.

Vortex of desire

Your thoughts intoxicate me
Pushing me into a dreamless haze
The caresses leaving behind
A burning trail
Sensations coursing through
Making me aware of the
Sheer power of the need
Churning a deep seated desire
Desire to be loved, to be craved
To be taken and to be liberated
More than which to belong.
Your touches linger
taking me higher
Plunging me deeper into
the sensations that overpower me.
And I'm lost
Lost in you.
The love in your eyes
reflects in the gentlest
of touches.
The huskiness in your voice
is like the vortex of passion
Drawing me closer and closer
I surrender.
I surrender to you
I surrender to the love
That brought us closer
Uniting us one
Just you and me
Defying the rules of the world.

Tears of grief and longing

Today is just one of those days

When the pain in unbearable

The despair is gnawing at my soul

Tears are threatening to spill

It fills to the brim and overflows, unabashed

The pain makes me wonder out aloud

Why me? A voice in me answers

‘Because you are strong enough to tide through it all!’

But I don’t want to be the strong one

I don’t want to put up a façade of being brave

I wish I could just succumb to the pain that is tearing me apart

I want a pair of strong arms, His, to pull me up

Up against him, rocking me as I break down

His voice firm and full of love telling me,

That he is there, and I shall survive.

I break out of my reverie

Tears have left a soggy trail behind

I look for his arms, but he has long since gone

Just as I had known he would

Then why does the pain still rip me apart

Every time nostalgia visits me?

Life is changed manifolds

Never to be reversed again…

Thoughts make it hard to breathe
I feel myself free falling
into the vortex of despair
deeper and deeper
into nothingness
Pain tearing me apart.

Happier times are like a mirage
they disappear as i reach out
Unanswered questions gnaws at my soul
Why me? I ask myself
i hear muted sobs,mine in return
As loneliness stares backs..

How long must I carry on the charade?
how long will the ordeal continue?
how long before relief comes through?
Uncertainties are rampant
Peace still eludes me,
Long road ahead before I can repose.

Golmaal 3

I am not really a movie going kinds.. unless of course if its something sensible or romantic, then you know I ll be there.. so Golmaal 3 or Action Replay or even Dabaangg is not really my kinda movie.. but when you have a friend for company, and have time to kill and its just 9 am in the morning what do you do? We buy tickets for Golmaal 3 and walk in the Cineplex leaving our brains behind. That’s exactly what you should do before you go and watch this movie.

The movie has bright colours splashed all over, sun beach, pretty looking Kareena as arm candy amidst 5 other men, Ajay Devgan (the guy manages to appear hot even at 45 J) Arshad Warsi (lukewarm) Tushaar Kapoor (now a tad bit repetitive but brilliant performance as the dumb guy) Sheryas Talpade and Kunal Khemu ( totally wasted!). The movie is good in patches, laugh riot completely but then there were places when it felt as if you were forced to smile or literally held at gunpoint to laugh at jokes that fell flat. But having said that, some dialogues which made no sense to the scene was absolutely a treat! Mithun chakroborty in a comic avatar was really a surprise and did a commendable job even at this age. His dialogue to his girl friend’s father “jinke ghar sheeshay ke hote hain… who basement mein kapde badaltein hai!” tickled people pink. Music was pretty situational, nothing to rant about. The action sequence was well scripted and directed. In all the movie does manage well as a laughter filled time pass, a paisa wasool for sure… high on style quotient and a sure shot way to beat the blues of mundane world away!

A glimmer of hope is barely visible

the storm raging within me
threatens to engulf my sanity
I know not what lies ahead..
I know not when this journey ends
and when the new one begins...

Memories are at war
hurling unwanted thoughts at me
I know i must retrace my steps
I know my quest for moksha must continue
the hunt for peace making me restless
I know one day i will have to let go....
But vacillation comes easy to me
how long before end comes along?

Making a new comeback

Moksha…. Salvation… a step away from Destiny’s Child…same blog but with a whole new name. a name that reflects my current state of mind, that is symbolic of the much evolved me. Hope you stay with me as I gingerly make my way into the world that I had left behind. I may falter and may have writers block. I wont make tall comments as to how I will be back on the blogging on the blogging scene, I will just say that I will try and do my best. And I will do it for myself, to preserve my sanity.

The last time I wrote here I was a girl who returned home for what seemed like good, after a yearlong sojourn. I felt love was what made life bearable, I came back for the one I loved, giving up a career I had always wanted, compromising on my childhood dreams despite having financial liabilities. Things went downhill; I regretted giving up everything for someone I truly loved but that someone gave up me for everything else. Yes that was a bad phase, regrets were rampant, misgivings ruled, I couldn’t believe that I had messed up my life, maybe forever! But ultimately destiny showed me what she had planned for me. My belief never betrayed me… I soon got an opportunity I had always waited for…life from the outside felt like a dream come true little did I know that my carefully nurtured world would soon fall apart. Life never gave me an opportunity to breakdown to heal or evens be shattered… I had too many people pinning their hopes on me to let them down with my personal crisis. With the world falling apart for me in a distant land, I trudged along taking failures and heartbreak in my stride and built my life from scratch. My new world had its new challenges… I learned to cope up with this new phase called professional life… it had its stress and deliverables and all came at a massive price. I was blessed to have a mentor in a friend, a friend I had never even in my wildest dream contemplated of having that too in the least likely of places: office. Here I was forming new bonds and there on the personal front some old bonds were becoming weak… I was despairing at the course my life was taking… in pits of despair I found hope... I found strength... I found companionship... more than which I found the real me. The woman in me was born. 

The positives in my life outweighs the dark and more murky side. In my bid to escape my realities, to deal with the personal strife, to finally carve a career for myself I choose to move out of Hyderabad and now I’m back to Namma Bengaluru… and peace in search of which I found my way back to a place where I had started off, still eludes me. Confusion and chaos is still raging. I know I have made mistakes, I had wandered in search of salvation, more than which in search of me, in the process I have hurt people, wronged them. But my only consolation is that I have finally found me, I have realized what I really am, I have realized im not some perfectionist, but my ideal does exist only unattainable! But that does not change the feelings within me.. it does not change the most primitive of desires… that is of caring of concern and most importantly of love..

Be with me as a much matured Phoenix embarks upon a new journey of life in search of salvation… a special thanks to Anwesa who kept urging me to write to make a comeback…this one is for you babe! Leo without you goading me to finally write this post I would have procrastinated some more… Nikhil for never giving up on me in the darkest hour of my life…

Transitioning...

I have been home exactly a month back. Its been a massive journey in the past few months in my personal life.

Life at IIJNM hostel specially A2 (the room i stayed in) had transformed beyond my imagination just as the months ended and it was just a matter of a few weeks before we dismantled. it was a strange sensation, on one hand i was dying to get back, home seemed like paradise... at the same time a feeling of dread overcame me just imagining a life away from all my roomies. it was as if some invisible forces were bonding us in strong vices. the fun the laughter had suddenly magnified, we were closer than ever.

Vaidehi

Even now sometime i lay awake in the morning, closing my eyes tight imagining myself back at A2, hoping to just jump out of my bed and see all my roomies sleeping. i miss those goodnight and good morning sms's to Vaidu.. i miss seeing Deepi curled up in a ball, sleeping.. i miss the gurgling laughter of Anu...Shephali's morning exercise.. life was a routine... but mostly i miss having my best friend (Vaidu) around me 24*7.. its been painful experience to yank the roots i had spread at IIJNM to move away to my life (that has always been for the last 21 years) back at home. I cant ever forget the last roomie hug, the tears rolling down my face, clasping Vaidu's hands as they led me to the hostel gate where mum and dad were waiting for me to get into the car that would take me to the station and away from my 1 year stay at Bangalore and from people who had become my family. As the car moved away i could barely stop the tears., i could see Vaidu waving then she hung her head for a moment and then walked in stoically. the best part of the journey was, despite our differences, our clashing natures when it was time to say goodbyes we all left but we left being close to each other, and we left as good friends.

When i left home a year back I thought life was coming to an end on a personal front. But at the same time i knew my life was about to change forever, that it was my only opportunity to live a life that i had always wanted. I'm glad i took the plunge for the rise was surely worth it.

Coming up... Perks of living a life away from parents in a new city...

Scribblings

I write unsure of myself and of things i really want to write.

I have been home a little over a week and blogging has been on my mind ever since. But somehow i just couldn't make myself write. I wonder if i have anything more to offer to this place, this place has been instrumental in my life, both in my personal and professional life. This place became the one place where i could be me, where i went into incessant rants about my personal failings or achievements of issues i felt strongly about. But what took me back was that blogging gave me a leverage on my personal front. For the first time in life, during job interviews, I did not have to encounter quizzing eyes, when i told my HR that i blog, and have over 500 posts to my credit. it was then i realized what a world i had created for myself. I wonder why I feel this is important to say this, maybe its because I have not been able to give up on this space despite having nothing to offer.

On personal front life is messier than i had ever imagined. Not really a phase i'd like to rant about. For the first time in life probably i'm not sure of what i want. But in times of distress and immense personal strife one advantage is that I'm gonna earn doing what i love doing and what i do best: writing. However humble it may be, its a start; and i am grateful for that. Maybe this is what life had planned for me...

One of my learning's from this whole phase of transition, from a student to a professional is that

Nothing can be worse than living a life of regrets!

Sometimes its important in life to be selfish enough to fulfill your dreams and ambitions.. and not give it up for the supposed happiness of those you care most. Because life does not offer you opportunities each time and most often we live a life of regrets which does not really add to the happiness of our loved ones or ourselves.