This maddness called ME

You know me. You know how my journey of life has been. You have witnessed it all. But you donot know who this mad person is, who writers of this blog. So just for fun, here are a few funny quirks about me.

• I'm a girl who will stick post ids all over, be it my work station, my cupboard, kitchen everywhere. It ranges from quotes, reminders, things to do/buy lists
• I am a maha lists person, i make a list for everything.
• I have a thing with washing. I am forever washing, towels, linen, clothes. If I did not have a professional career I'd be a washer woman. 
• I have a huge sock fetish. I keep buying socks. I have some 100 pairs of them, of different colour and types.
• I love reading romantic novels. I end up crying secretly. 
• I cant write fiction which is not a love story.
• I am very idealistic when it comes to relationships and love.
• I talk to myself, a lot.
• I smile in my sleep
• I am a cleanliness freak
• I simply love chocolates and ice creams
• I'm overtly sentimental and get hurt very often
• I love cooking and main meri favourite hoon! :)
• I smile when thoughts come to my head, be it while walking, shopping, or even traveling. People often think I am some weirdo
• I forgive but I never forget
• I have a phoenix tattoo and I simply love it!
• I often reply memories in my head over and over again before I fall asleep
• I love babies and my insides hurt to think of the future I have chosen for myself
• All my stuff toys have names
• I love mushrooms
• I'm a complete bookworm and spent all my money buying them
• I have curly hair and I simply love it

Btw if you haven't guessed I am a Virgo... yeah that explains the freak in me no??!!

This N That

I came across this picture in a couple of blogs I was reading today and found it perfectly goes with the current mood that I am in.

Of late I am consumed with this feeling that used to persist in the early days of blogging. I wanted to, I did and I just could stop: Blogging. And I am back. I donot have something very significant to share, no poems, no gyan and no fiction. Just a thought. I began this year with vowing to break away and have a fresh start and finally I took a step towards future. I booked my tickets for going home (Bangalore). I know the journey will be beset with a lot of heartburn, pain and anguish and it will never agree with what I always believed, that I can never walk away from people I love. But I need to do this, and this one is for me, for my future and for me to have the life I deserve to have. Selfish as I may sound but for the first time in my life I am doing something that I really want to. Hope this is for the best!

Have you had random people, people you donot even know making you smile and brightening your day?? Well something just happened. I had a very busy and active day on Twitter. I had people mentioning me, talking, DMing me, adding me to groups, retweeting and I truly and completely felt alive and happy but more than which I let off a silent prayer. I am thankful for all of the activity that took place around. I felt loved and worthwhile and it was truly something!! And after a long time i believe I smiled, truly from my heart.


Okay so this post is not really going my way and its suddenly going off track. Ohh by the way did I tell you I am reading "The Immortals of Meluha" by Amish Tripathi and I have also purchased his second book, "The Secret of the Nagas". It really is interesting and well Shiva is hawwtt and what more he speaks like "Say yes dammit!" Really entertaining! But there is a story behind this book. I wanted to gift something to this friend for Christmas, but I was too pissed. But then when I received a box of chocolates as gift, I knew Id have to return the favour. You know izzat ka sawal hai and all that! So I went and got my friend "Immortals of Meluha" hoping to read it myself and I did just that and something more. I borrowed the book right back within a few days. It was like ek dheel se do nishana types!! I literally chuckled at my smartness!! After all, everyone has been recommending the book and I still hadn't read it. My friend obviously passed a snide remark that I am reading the book without consent but who cares, I surely didn't but then it happened. Due to my own carelessness I managed to spill coffee on the very book which was a gift from me. Now what? Thankfully Flipkart came to my rescue, got the same book at a discounted price and got its sequel too. So now I have a copy of my own, albiet with tea stains. And that's how I salvaged my izzat (what was remaining that is!) I think I should also make a resolution of being less clumsy this year.. what do you think? Ohh by the way, did I tell you that I had managed to almost burn my house down? O.. I just woke up one morning very sleepy, so I just went and switched on the water heater. After sometime i woke up to find fire and smoke. Even though I had switched on the heater I had forgotten to put it in the water, so the rug on which it was kept, caught fire!! YES I Know!! How careless can I be?! Yes this careless!! Really I think its time to take that oath and end this clumsiness or at least curb it?

Hope you are having a good week?

Shadow of Darkness

He got into the cab that was waiting for him just outside the airport. Settled in the cab, he pinched the bridge of his nose while loosening his tie. It had been quite a week. All this traveling to and fro was not doing anything for his health, pocket or his personal life but then it was a gamble he had to play, for as long as it lasted.

As the car sped on, his thoughts drifted to her. It had been a been a rough few weeks, he had hardly had time to be home, to talk to her, hold her and to top it off he had been extremely edgy and had snapped at her unnecessarily. Strangely she had been silent, hardly reacting and rather calm. He knew his approach hadnt been right and this time he mentally swore that he will set things right as soon as he got home! Home...funny how he kept referring to the homes he had...he suppressed a devilish chuckle, let the world think what they want, for now and as long as it lasted, home was with her. He just could wait to get home, hug her close, make love to her till exhaustion and reassure his love for her. He made a mental note to take the day off the next few days and spend quality time with her. He had to. This time unlike other times he felt something was not right. He couldn't place his finger on what it was but he had a strange restlessness that was eating him inside. 

As the car came to a stop, he stepped out and dragged his trolley behind him. Taking the keys out, he slowly climbed the stairs till he reached the door. He put the key in and turned and slowly pushed the door open. The house was in darkness. A sense of dread filled him. He hated coming back to an empty home but this was something else. He turned the light on. The house looked organized, neat and clean, just the way he liked. He took off his shoes and went to the bathroom to turn on the geyser for a nice long bath. She had stepped out he thought to himself and smiled inwardly. What a surprise it will be when she comes back and sees him.

He went to the washing machine and removed his socks and shirt and put them in. He then made his way to the cupboard to take his night clothes out. He had just opened the cupboard when he noticed the door to her cupboard slightly ajar, pushing it open he realized that her clothes, shoes, linen, books and jewellery was just not there. He turned back and looked at the dressing table, everything was intact, except that her things were not there. Her side of the nightstand did not have her regular stack of books or her charger or her glasses. He ran to the bathroom and opened the cabinet, her tooth brush was gone, so was her shampoo and other essentials. He went from the balcony, to the kitchen, opening cupboards, looking searching for one sign of her. But nothing was left. It was as if she had never been there.


Thoughts came thick and fast. Where would she be? Why had she gone?? When did she decide to leave? Why had she not told him? His head felt heavy and was ready to explode. His eyes was burning and he was hungry. But nothing mattered. She was gone! Like someone lost he went about trying to find something that would connect him to her. their photographs were gone. Her favourite mug from which she would sip her morning coffee, her collection of CDs, her books, her stuffed toy. Her arm chair wore an abandoned look, so he went and sat down holding his head on his hand. His cellphone beeped, Home calling.... he looked at the phone in an agitated way and switched it off. Tomorrow he would deal with his family, today he needed time alone.

As he walked back to the bedroom and sat down on his side of the bed he noticed the ring. It was the only that was left of her, no note, no email... he tried calling her phone but it was switched off, exhaustion and pain drained him completely, as tears brimmed his eyes. He couldn't believe that she had just gone without saying a thing. He felt angry, irritated and betrayed... How could she do this to him!! Anger boiled inside him and he tried remembering the last time he had seen her, she was standing at the door with a forlorn expression on her face but she dint say anything, she had even moved away when he moved in to hug her. Then he didnt think much, he knew he will set things right when he got back from home, maybe he should have been more sensitive... if onlys and maybes remain... As he saw the lights flicker on the wall and then darkness surround him, he knew he had lost her and this time she was gone forever and the pain was numbing but there was nothing he could do. He had always prepared her for the day he would be gone,with much resilience and stoicism but nothing had prepared him for the day he would lose her. Pain ripped him apart and guilt of what he had done to her made it difficult for him to breathe, the burden of the cross getting heavier by the minute but he knew this was his cross to bear and in a silent prayer he hoped against hope that someday she would have some love left in her to forgive him for wronging her.

The leaves of memory seemed to make
A mournful rustling in the dark

~The End~

Gajar Ka Halwa

1ngredients:

Gajaar (carrots)
Milkmaid/sugar
Cashew nuts
Raisins
Almonds
White oil
Choti Elaichi
Milk
Ghee

Grate the gajjar (carrots), squeeze the water out. Fry the gajjar in white oil, add chotti elaichi. Add a cup of milk and keep stirring till milk thickens and the entire mixture becomes pasty. Add milk maid (half a tin, taste and see if more is needed) then add cashew nuts and raisins. Add a spoonful of ghee. Before serving sprinkle almonds broken into smaller pieces. Your gajjar ka halwa is ready.

No I am not turning me blog into a food blog. Yes, I learned how to make gajjar ka halwa recently and it came out really yummy. But primarily the reason why I am writing a post on gajjar ka halwa is because our life is like Gajjar ka halwa.

No dont scratch your head yet. Let me explain. One look at the ingredients and you know the outcome is bound to be good irrespective of the order in which you place them together. Think about it, the carrots needs to be grated and reduced to shreds for it to bring out the typical flavor. The ghee needs to be melted to add to the rich aroma, the milk maid blends in to made it taste heavenly. So is life. Life is made of a lot of things, we analyze and dissect life only when things go downhill, but essentially life is full of wonderful things added in right proportion. Imagine what it would be like if you were to add more milkmaid than prescribed? Even though it tastes heavenly, too much of it makes you feel giddy. If elaichi is chewed upon it gives a bitter taste otherwise it adds to the rich smell of the  dish.

Life is not easy... no one said it would be. Sometimes its bitchy, stabs you on your back, rapes your emotions and makes your existence seem like a sham. But then a little bit of positive attitude, will power with dallops of confidence can be worthy companions in the darkest hour. If you let life get the better of you, you may sink with no hopes of surviving. So make most of the opportunities that life brings your way and use every ingredient of life to suit you in the best way possible!!

Life is what you make it... you give it a chance and it rescues you right back.

Happy New Year!!

This Year That Was...

Keeping my tradition of writing "This year that was", I write down the events that made me, broke me, scarred me and I believe made me stronger.

For the first time since I left college, I felt I was living a life I had always dreamed of professionally. I felt strong independent and I was surrounded by friends with whom I connected like a dream. I laughed, I drank galleons of coffee, made CCD richer, laughed some more and felt the pain of loving someone tearing me apart. I traveled a lot, wrote passionately, read avidly, missed tremendously, loved fiercely, lived resiliently. Until my perfect world came crashing down, panic, fear and longing for the loved one made me uproot myself, from friends, from a place which was my second home. The moment I reached this new place which has took me in readily, I knew the mistake I had committed but then there was no turning back.. The more I struggled.. more I was sucked into the quicksand and since then I have never really managed to make my way out.

Highlights

I know there are a million things gone bad this year but there were a few things that made me feel happy and made me smile and I'd rather recount the many blessings.

• I found an amazing friend in my colleague Sreeranjini. People at work tried to separate us, played petty politics but we stuck it through and when it was time for me to go, I guess I realized just how close we had become over the months and those millions mugs of coffee we drank till it became an addiction.
• Srimoyee- She is one of my best friends. We know each other since the first day of school in KG. We have always been close friends, but this year we both found solace in each other, gave strength to each other and together we fought out our battles, tried hard to stay afloat, encouraged each other and kept fighting as depression and ill-luck tried to pull us down.
• My brother (cousin) got married. His marriage brought the entire family close and I came closer to the brother whom I have always loved dearly but family strife always kept us away. My sis in law kinda cemented our bond and kept us closer.
• My niece (Roshni) became my close friend. She was and will always be my baby but somewhere she had grown up and took up her place as a friend, where she would ask, admonish and be there for me just like my friends would. Of course the child in her would surface every time she would find out that I have been out without her and having fun irrespective of the fact that I am several thousand miles away from her. I am still her territory whom she is unwilling to share with anyone.
• Vaidehi- she understood, supported, scolded and knocked some sense in me each time I was under the weather. Though we could manage to meet up this year, the longing to meet has kept us together. Been almost a year and a half since we left college but the bond just got stronger in time.
• Shubhankar- He is my lodestar. Words cannot summarize just what he means to me. He has, he is and will always remain the one person I can run to when the world comes crashing down. My rock, my friend and my guide, he is indispensable!!

Lessons

• No one in life is perfect. Perfection is a myth. It is important to grow out of childhood notions of perfect love, perfect love of life, perfect relationship or face the consequences of it when it breaks.
•  Its good to be impulsive if you are responsible enough to deal with whatever happens as a consequence.
• There are some relationships which you must let go, no matter how much you love or try once the trust is lost there is no point in struggling to keep things going. It may not be easy but it is the only way.
• Give your love wholeheartedly but be prepared to have your heart broken.
• There will not be a soul when you need some comforting, if you are lucky then the loved ones are there. It does not make them bad people but humans. So be self sufficient and face the problem.
• The best things about you is YOU

Hopes and prayers for the New Year

• More strength to deal with whatever comes my way
• To allow the head to rule over the heart
• To have the life I have always wanted
• To stand up for myself and do the right thing
• To let go and start afresh

Wishing you a very Happy New Year! May this year bring you lots of happiness, love and prosperity galore!! 

5 Enjoyable Reads of 2011

I am not too picky when it comes to books, I'm just a tad bit partial when it comes to light fiction and something that is easy to read and is enjoyable. Listed below are the top 5 books I loved reading

1.  Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas by Madhuri Banerjee- A simple coming of age story of a 30 year old lady who finds love at unlikeliest of people, the struggle to stay afloat and the discover of self. Simple and lucid the book was a treat to read.
2. The Zoya Factor byAnuja Chauhan- Its about how a girl and her so called luck affected Team India and a country which strongly believes in superstitions and on the backdrop is the mad frenzy of a nation obsessed with winning the World Cup. Funny and enjoyable really worth a buy.
3. The Dork series by Siddin Vadukut- About a quirky genius called Robin "Einstein" Varghese and the travels and tales of his life from a crazy but 'his' perspective.
4. The time of my life by Cecelia Adhern-  its a simple yet endearing story about the protagonist learning to come to terms with her Life and going past her obstacles to finally live life. It's a beautiful read to say the least and the best part is it teaches a lesson or two without being preachy.
5. Calcutta Exile by Bunny Suraiya- Bunny Suraiya's 'Calcutta Exile' evokes a bygone era of one of the most vibrant cities called Calcutta. Tracing the lives of one Anglo-Indian family in Calcutta of the 1950s, the Ryans, it paints a closely observed picture of a fast-vanishing culture. 

Other titles that I have read is In(eligible) Bachelors, Half a face by Nonda Chatterjee, Eat Pray and Love, You were my crush untill you said you loved me, No deadlines for love, Campus Cola, The Thorn Birds and scores of other titles which I am now finding it hard to recall.

Do suggest something good to read for me.

Happy Reading!!

Of you and me

Sometimes I wonder
If words are enough
If tears truly express
The anguish within

Sometimes I wonder
If life gives you another chance
If you reach out
Risking your heart

Sometimes I wonder
At the invisible bonds
That binds us close
Keeping us together

Sometimes I reason
That the feelings are just a phase
I suppress the desire
To reach out and feel you close

Sometimes just sometimes
I wish our insecurities, our anguish
Heals and a new dawn breaks
And I wake up in your arms

Maybe sometime this too
Shall be true
That I will wake up to a new day
That has you and me together again

Sometimes

Sometimes you miss someone

Despite the fact that he right there beside you

Sometimes the peace and calm

Shields the raging storm within

Sometimes despite the smiles

The warmth in them is lacking, and goes unnoticed

Sometimes behind the garb of normality

Lies battered existence and heartache galore

Sometimes... just sometimes

Its best to look beyond the obvious 

To reminisce one last time

Before the fire gets extinguished forever

For beyond all smiles

All natural calmness

Is deception, truth and the reality..

This heralds the beginning to the end

Sooner than we think

Home is where the heart is

Jo bhi main

Kehna chahoon
Barbad kare..
Alfaz mere
Alfaz mere.........

Kabhi mujhe
Lage ki jaise
Sara hi yeh
jahan hai jaadu
Jo hai bhi aur
Nahi bhi hai yeh
Fiza, Ghata, Hawa, Baharein
Mujhe..
Kare..
Ishare yeh..
Kaise..
Kahoon
Kahani main innki......

Do you know that there maybe times when you long for something with every fibre of your existence and when you actually have it you may feel a sense of loss? The feeling is not unknown to me. funny thing this heart is... why does it keep longing for things, places and people?

I have been longing for my second home a lot in the past few months, can you guess the place? Bangalore it is... the place is absolutely mystical and i have had too intense an affair with her to never really get over her... love her, hate her but you surely can never get over her. As a student when I was there I would long for home that it kind of overshadowed every possible emotion I may have had for this beautiful city. As my flight took off for home, for what I thought was for good, I knew I was never going to return to it EVER!! Fate always smiles at my silly absurd ways!! For I was back within months.

The next time my flight took off from Bangalore, the thoughts that were rampant was that I will be back, tears were hardly contained, as they fell thick and fast. Over the past few months, i have always let my mind wander, I can almost see myself sitting in the CCD at Cunningham Road, feeling the cold winter wind on my face sipping coffee with Ranjini. I can almost feel that hot gravel beneath my feet as I walked barefoot to ISCKON temple. I can smell the rich smell of coffee as I used to place my order saying "Anna ondu coffee". I remember haggling with the autowallahs "Anna Brigade road Bartira?!" i remember the silent tears, emotions creating a havoc as the heart longed for the One. Now with the longed one around, the realization of impermanence makes me long for the place i call home.

Home is not Kolkata anymore. The room is still mine, I still wake up to my dad's call for "kachouri for breakfast" when I am home. I still sleep on the veranga railing after waking up in the morning. I still sit slouched on the bed frantically flipping channels trying to play memory game with myself trying to remember all the channels. Mom feeds me, dad fusses around, Roshni (my niece) hangs around me as if I will dissapear if she blinks, sister laments on my inactive life, same boring calls to relatives. Yes its home but for holidays.

So what is home? Is it a city?  a house? a place which has your loved ones? The concept of home has been plaguing me like a nightmare that I cannot forget. More than what I am doing with life, where is home is the thought that plagues me. Its not about how many friends you have around, its not about family members you have around, its not about the appliances you have, or the fancy house you have. Its a place you call home, its a shelter, its where you are you, with kohl smudged eyes, chapped lips, stained tee or frayed shorts or face full of black heads. Home is where every chore seems wonderful, every dime saved goes into buying a thing or two, home is where the heart is at peace, the mind is at ease and where fears of tomorrow is laid rest; heartbreaks are acknowledged, demons are fought and won over, in times of strife and failure the phonix rises from its ashes. Home is where the heart is.