Losing my virginity and other dumb ideas- Madhuri Banerjee

Before I talk about how I simply loved this book and the extent I went just to finish it; I think its important to tell how I managed to stumble upon this phenomenon called Madhuri Banerjee. I found a stray link on a friend's Facebook account to CNN IBN blog and soon I was not just reading Chastity Belt written by Madhuri Banerjee but I started fanatically reading whatever I could written by her. I read her articles for CNN blog, i fished our her blog and read up all her previous posts but the revelation happened when I came across Chapter 21 of her maiden book on Rediff.com. I did read her Two To A Tango (a short story written by her) before and liked the way she handled the entire story line but something about this one abstract chapter tugged at my heart and I knew I had to read it any how and soon. After frantically searching for her book "Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas" and being unable to locate it in any of Delhi's small bookstores, I was frustrated but not ready to give up. It was then that I did the unthinkable! It is very unlike me to reach out to anyone telling them how they have managed to move me, let alone a celebrity. But I did because I knew I could, and my joy knew no bounds when Madhuri herself replied. My desire to read her was now at its peak and I was even ready to overcome my innate fear of using the internet to buy anything but then I did what most book lovers do, I ordered her book off Flipkart and a fan was born, flipkart got one more loyal customer and Madhuri well... got herself something who is totally in awe of her. I simply lover her honest, forthcoming and very endearing ways, she is someone you can relate to, her charming ways makes you wish you were a little like her; confident, sauve and very intellectual.


Right: Madhuri Banerjee author of Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas

On reading the 21st chapter of the book I knew I wanted to know more. I was hooked and I knew I would have to find ways to get my hands on it. But then when I read that it was about a 30 year old virgin waiting to lose her virginity I felt "O my God! this book is going to be like TOI's lifestyle articles that talks about sex and other related stuff in a know all manner trying to impose a very western school of thought on a very Indian mindset!" I couldnt have been farther from the truth. My reasons for loving the book are many, mostly personal. I could identify myself with the protagonist where she values her virginity not because she didnt find anyone to lose it to but she wanted to make love to someone she was truly in love with. Isnt it how we all feel somehow? Isnt it how all are friends who have done "It" make those who havent feel, trying to impress upon us the need to devirginize us? I found myself in Kaveri in so many things, being in a relationship knowing it will never work but not having it in them to walk because love seemed to bind us in shackles. Funny how love drives us to do things, things which others dont understand. Despite several warnings we refuse to see reality and we do only when we are prepared to do it. Aditi, Kaveri's best friend reminded me so much of my best friend Vaidu and the role she plays in my life! Yes the book moved me to tears, it resonated with my very being but most importantly the book showed me the way I was looking for in all the books I have picked up in the recent past.

This post is not just to rant about how the book has managed to move me. But it is also about how well the book is written. Yes there are patches when my attension wavered to be honest and there were parts I didnt think was relevant but then mostly the book is probably a handbook for very urban girl. It contains a little bit of all of us, the usual paranoia about our weight, dilemma about what to wear, apprehension about being fat and not being attractive enough for the men. The constant struggle with love, losing ourselves in the man whom we consider to be the Great Love who ends up battering your soul and leaves you to pick up the broken pieces. The book talks about the desires of a lady in love, anguished having to share her man with his wife in a vulnerable yet endearing sort of a way. For once you wont term Kaveri as a slut or the Other Woman, you will empathize with her situation, you will understand that her reasons for being with a married man was just love and nothing else. Kaveri's character evolves as the book proceeds and with it the heart and soul of the reader gets purged. We are all allowed a mistake or two in life but what matters is learning from them and doing the right thing. Kaveri managed to find herself and her self respect, and she realizes what she did, she did it for the reasons she felt was right and that is what made this book so endearing.

Priced at a modest Rs 150/- the book is a delightful read. After Colleen McCullough's The Thorn Birds, which had a major impact on my psyche ever since I read the book at 13; Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas managed to move me once again. Loved reading the book will be an understatement. Unlike other chick lit or books belonging to the genre of popular fiction this book stands tall for being unique, and it has something for everyone. A must read if you are an avid reader. I can hardly wait for Madhuri Banerjee's second book, if the first book was this good I wonder what the next in the offering would be like...

The joy supposedly is in the giving, so when the joy is gone, when the giving starts to feel more like a burden, that's when you stop. But if you're like most people I know, you give till it hurts, and then you give some more.

Haunted Thoughts

Reality raises its ugly head

from time to time

reminding me of its presence

the heart is ripped apart

the agony of it kills me

shred by shred

slowly and painfully.

it mocks my futile efforts

to stall time

to live for the moment

to make peace with what i have

and what is and never will be

Why is it so painful?

when even i know it will never last..

On why marriage is not for me

 As we grow up we realize that there is something called contradictions. While you may love something, it may not be the right thing for you. Every good guy is not the perfect guy for you. That relationship which has given you a sense of completion is not the one to last you a lifetime. Morbid thoughts to many I know but think over it.

I have a beautiful set of parents who have been married blissfully for a period of 35 years. They have stuck it out through thick and thin, through those rough patches, they have fought hard, something’s with others sometimes with each other to keep the family together. Born out of immense love and a youthful romance, my parents to me are how marriages should be. I have a lot of examples of enduring marriages, some not so good ones but mostly ones that make you admire the strength two people have to keep things going for them. Donot frown upon me, I used to think being married to someone is a natural thing but now I realize otherwise. Most often we ignore the obvious; marriages are about accepting another person in your life for the most trivial things. Like while doing your own laundry you now do his too, you take into account his likes or his dislikes, if he likes to sleep on the left of the bed, you adjust and take to the right. If you are used to plugging your ipod first thing in the morning, now you sit with him with the first cup of tea. All of you who are married or had flatmates or roommates or even lived in would know what i mean.

  

I have nothing against marriages. I think it’s beautiful to be able to allow a person (preferably one whom you love, or someone you grow to love eventually) into your life. Trust me its not an easy proposition. I don’t have fear of my guy cheating on me because somewhere I know there are things that are beyond us, everything is not black and white, and then there is the grey areas too, and then there are things that are way beyond us, they may not be fair but that’s how it is meant to be! Other than having very strong intimacy issues which i think stems from the fact that i need to love and trust a person fully before getting married and I cannot get married because it is the right time to take the plunge.

Another reason why I think marriage is not for me is because I find it hard to allow another person to be a part of my daily existence!  I have never had to share my life with anyone till date. By the time I was growing up, my sister was married and long since gone so i basically grew up like an only child. It was only when i went to hostel i realized what my actual habits were like, my likes and dislikes, what totally pisses me off. Then i stayed on my own on my own terms so I never really accommodated anyone in my life. And now with friends getting married around me, I sit back and think and I shudder at the prospect of sharing my life with anyone. I maybe stubborn, unable to adjust to another human being, I’m a cleanliness freak, an utterly clumsy person; I cannot be dominated, and I’m totally obstinate. It would be a torture for anyone to be around me and deal with me day in day out. I wonder how our parents do it and do it so seamlessly. 

No I haven’t gone mad it’s just that marriage is the current favourite topic of discussion for my relatives who want me to get married early in life to avoid complicated pregnancies. Imagine, here i am whose life has not even started. I am too young to get married let alone think of having a baby and my relatives are planning my entire life for me! So much for being a family!! How do i tell them that i don’t have it in me anymore to give my all to anyone? How do i say i don’t have anything against marriage except that it is not meant for me! How do I explain that i am happy with who i am and i don’t feel the need to have a guy to complete me. Happiness and peace is within us and we need to find it to have a wholesome existence!

Desire

kiss me
touch me..
take me higher

brand me
love me..
be my desire

hold me
mould me
take me to completion..

caress me
take me
make me yours..

Anguished Soul

I strive each day

To be there

To make life

So much better for you!

I toil hard

To bring a smile

To make you feel loved

To make life easier for you!

I fight with myself

To put you before me

To selflessly give

To make life comfortable, just for you!

I chide myself

To be perfect

To do things

Just to please you!

Few words of appreciation

A smile for reward

An approving look

Is all that I desire!

I love, I cry

I give, I die

Some more each day,

When no matter what I do

I am unable to be

What you want me to be.

I hate, I loath

I rebuke, I blame

Myself, for not being good enough

For my gestures leave no imprint

My love goes unnoticed

Even my efforts go waste!

Tears have long since dried

Leaving behind a soggy stain

Heart is pained

Knife twists in my gut.

Not being good enough is such a bane!

Tranquil Thoughts

Even when I'm with you

When I'm blissfully at peace

When life feels complete 

I'm painfully aware of the transiency of it all

I memorize your smile

I drink in the moment

I live like there is no tomorrow

For there will be a tomorrow 

When you will be gone

And these moments will be there no more..

And I know I fear not that day.

Dard-E-Dilli

People have a lot of ideas about life, it is when they experience them first hand, then they realize how true or false it is. Such is the case with me. I had looked forward to my coming to Delhi as an escape to a whole new world. It took me 24 hours to realize how wrong I was. No offence to all Delhi-ites... Delhi has a lot of things going for them like the swanky metro and the way they manage the entire travelling scenario, it is something  I will look up to them for.. But there are other startling facts that are so hard to ignore. 

People are so fake and pseudo, show-off is written all over them. I had my first brush with Delhi-ites was during my flight... two middle aged gentlemen were cribbing about how people lower in social ladder own Skoda or Verna, these gentlemen claim proudly that they have never been on the metro but claim that it must be good for the middle class or the lower middle class.. Today morning when I went out for a walk I witnessed a brawl in the streets, it was raining blows and abuses... abuses I had never heard of in this lifetime :D and why? The newspaper boy accidentally scraped by this another street boy while cycling.

Metro was a wonderful experience. I was on my own in a new city for the first time, previously my house was always right next to my office so I never had the problem to adjust or find my way and Dad was always there to settle me down but this one time I did things on my own. It was both liberating and quite intimidating. Metro connectivity has surely done a world’s good to all Delhi-wallas and its gratifying to say the least. But what was jarring was the men in Delhi who are positively leach, with X-ray vision, stripping the girl with their eyes and have no shame when caught staring. They lurk everywhere in the vestibules of the ladies compartments, in shops, cafes and platforms, they are everywhere and it’s unnerving and totally intimidating. Girls are no less, I was in this coffee shop when the girls at the next table were heard boisterously claiming... " I have 14 cards including debit and credit card... I always get confused which one to use, I think I will use the HDFC card today, its blue and matches with my outfit" ..Followed by peals of giggles!! Before I forget Delhi summers are terrible, I feel like I have ropes for hair because it gets dry and dirty in no time, skin needs constant moisturizing because of the dryness and even the nights are not comfortable!! Bangalore I so miss you!! :( *sob* *sob*

Anyway all is not bad the best part about Delhi is Preeti Di... you may know her as Preetilata.. she is just there and the knowledge makes me feel lonely no longer. We have planned tons of shopping expeditions and host of other things hopefully we will implement these plans once I am back. O yea! There are tons of places like Janpath, where you get amazing clothes at dirt cheap and you need to bargain like hell. This summer dress which was quoted to me at 750/- miraculously was priced at 200/- when I started moving away! Then there is Sarojini and host of other places. If you are a silver junkie then Delhi Haat is your nemesis.. Silver stuff there is pretty to the core but burns a hole in your pocket! And the only other good thing that Delhi has is al least you understand what people are talking and finding your way out is not that big a deal!  

Enough of bashing and bitching, its not all that bad. The initial transition phase is really tough, hopefully I will be able to pen down tons of fabulous stuff about Delhi as and when I grow to love it. Ending the post without wishing my hubby is a shame so here goes.. Belated Happy Birthday Anwesa.. I hope you know how much you mean to me. Your silent support is a constant inspiration for me to go on and never give up on blogging, a platform that gifted me you. :) Wishing you lots of love and luck.

Only Memories

How does it feel to be back home after months altogether for not a couple of days, or a rushed stay but for a nice long stretch? relaxation? pure bliss? hell no!! its utter torture!! :) yes yes you heard it right and you can smile a little!

Life has been a roller coaster with it suddenly falling apart like a pack of cards, a brave front and the sheer will to go on kept me going. Suddenly I realized that there is nothing in me anymore that was scared at things not working out, that would be apprehensive of new things, that would be sad for leaving behind people, friends and everything that seemed so near and dear to me. Suddenly it was all gone, as i sat there on the flight with every thing that belonged to me with me, I looked out to the city that is second home to me (and will always be) i felt tears prick me, it was then that apprehensions came in, it was then the heart was ready to give up at the thought i was leaving behind a set life, but what kinda killed me for once i was guilty of leaving behind one person who probably loves me the most in the whole wide world, Someone who has let me down over time, someone who has never been there for me but has loved me madly and deeply. I knew there was no turning back, I had taken a step forward and there is no turning back...

Initial few days in Delhi was awful ( more on that in my next post. O yea there is gonna be other posts and I wont disappear) all i did was cry my eyes out. I didnt like anything nor the people, nor the culture and surely not the place other than the Metro (which is like superb). Securing a job entailed that I plan a trip back home ASAP. And here I am back home, for almost a week now, bored to death, ready to go back, wherever but not here. I'm sorry if it sounds like I hate home. Nope, i dont but overdose of home.. kinda gets to me. The auntys and uncles, the mashi's and meshos, the kakus and kakimas, the relatives calling for you 24*7, meeting with the entire clan, mom yelling at you to get off the phone; kinda gets to you trust me. And to top it off, people freaking you out with talks of marriage!! could it be worse??? yes it could, if you had a distant relative all of 12 years old, following you everywhere, even to the loo, who stares at you while you are asleep, because she wants to see how you look when asleep!!! Nope and my cribbing does not end here... with the mercury rising, the humidity at its all time high and no sign of rains, I had to go shopping to stock up for the next 6 months and trust me it can be taxing.. home for 4 days is ideal... then it becomes one big fat family overdose!! 

Amidst all these i came across a carton full of memories..journals, photographs,letters, scribblings, chocolate wrappers,bus tickets.. memories since the beginning of time.. somewhere i was lost..lost in a forgotten time...a time which slipped through my fingers.. a time which may have been reduced to being just memory but a time which has never lost its splendor.. to be honest sometimes when I see smiling faces of young lovers, of couples celebrating their youthful courtship... it feels as if a knife is twisting in my gut.. I'm reminded that in a months time it would have been 7 long years of togetherness..but not anymore... Sometimes I look back and wonder.. what if I could turn back time...and i am in two minds... You cant have everything in life.. there will always be an either and or situation.. and that choice we have to make no matter how difficult it is...

Life has spun out of control.. way beyond anything I had ever imagined... what was a fairytale is showing its fangs now.. it stings, it kills me some more each day.. its like you see the life you have nurtured with your entire being, fall slowly but surely. It hurts like hell.. in midst of all this mess called life i am discovering the monster that i am.. and the realities of my existence...its an uphill task... will need some getting used to... nothing that is impossible!! :)

Anyway enough of gloomy thoughts on my comeback post... next one is gonna be a Delhi bashing post.. sorry cant help it.. wrote it when i absolutely hated Delhi and i was just new to the city..but couldn't post it!! Hope you are doing fine? Btw i think i have gained some 10kilos since being home.. with all that ghar ka khana and all!! And Oh ya... i will get back to reading and commenting in a few hours time... hope you haven't forgotten me??!! :)

Sleepless..

Its just one of those days when sleep evades me and there is a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.. churning it so bad that i feel like puking... maybe i am upset.. maybe i am just sad... maybe i am just PMSing but something is not right..

Nostalgia was a constant companion today.. memories from different phases of my life resurfaced and i was struck by the lightening speed with which time is passing by... I can still vividly remember my childhood days, playing cricket with friends on the streets, shorts, tees and skirts were the order of the day. Worries meant homework, happiness meant summer holidays, reward meant an ice cream and fun meant playing with friends..life is whole lot different now somehow. Its hard to just say things without having the fear of being misinterpreted, actions are judged on parameters of morality and acceptance and emotions are often misconstrued as indifference. There are so many veils people wear, so many different masks that it gets difficult to recognize people... As we grow older our mind gets accustomed to the people around us, ego sits in, and even the strongest of bonds between two people breaks. Nothing really surprises me anymore and i wonder if that is a good thing.. isnt it a good thing if you get upset if your friend of 18 years refuses to talk to you? isnt it right if you cry after a fight with loved one? shouldnt it matter if your entire life is falling apart right in front of you? To me somehow all this has stopped making sense...Guess sometimes life gets the better of you and you can do nothing but go with the flow... I am in one such phase..

Anyway gloom breeds more of its like if given time... so i ll end this one right here, really random post I know...sometimes bouts of insanity makes you feel a lot saner... Hope you guys are doing good? Promise will read and comment on your blogs first thing from office.. Btw this was my 650th post! :) yay me...Goodnight people.. time to hit the bed...