When Vaidehi became Why-dahi..

My name is not Vaidehi... its Why-dahi?! ermmm okay... since then Vaidehi became 'Why-Dahi and why not chaas', a standing joke between all of us.

I first spoke to Vaidu, through Orkut when we both got through IIJNM. We decided to be roommates and in time we looped in others, Deepika (Deepu), Gayatri (Anu), Shephali (Shephu) and we were roommates. What followed was intensely long group chat conversations with all five of us till the run up to the time when we left home to build the career of our dreams. My childhood sweetheart (we were dating then) was suddenly thrown off balance, there was his girl friend who with venegence took up a course which would take her away from him, tipping their dream life. And to top it off she showed no signs of remorse or unhappiness; instead looked forward to a new life. Conversations were filled with Vaidu bought this today, you know Shephu said the Dean was a tough cookie. But there was hardly a thing he could do but watch. And then, yours truly got drunk and cried for hours in her sweethearts car just a couple of days prior to leaving home for her new life in Bangalore. When the tears subsided.. and I finally got home; the first ever drunk call and the only since then; was placed to Vaidu, "Raks sab theek ho jayega tu tension mat le... 10 months will pass by." I murmured okay and fell off to sleep. Till date I dont know why I called Vaidu, a would be room mate whom I knew, but I was not close to.

In IIJNM, we were roommates and our life was not hunky dory. We were not bum chums, we were close but yet not enough. We had our own set of friends. The nights I would be awake were the ones we would gather and talk. On our first night together, all of us talked about our boy friends, our love life and things that meant much to us. A bond was formed. There was something different about Vaidu, even though I got along with others with Vaidu it was somehow different. Our goodnight texts even though our beds were just opposite to each other. Waking up to her sleeping form. Caressing her hair on my way to the loo was our usual thing. I would get out of my shower and she would be drinking her bottle of water gearing up for the day ahead as the rest would be dead to the world. That one hour that we existed, without talking but connected. She understood that I need time in the morning to just be quiet but I liked her company, and I respected her need for her routine. She is probably the only person I would never mind running errands or doing her chores for. It was usual for her to speak to her boy friend now husband (sounds weird even to me) who was then in US as I quickly ironed my clothes and did hers too happily. No this does not mean we were close, we were attached in an unspoken way. we had the most terrible fight one day on the lamest of reasons and we laughed on it ever since! It was crazy.. i cant even remember bonding moments with her but I know we did. As the 10th month in IIJNM came to a close and it was time to bid hostel life goodbye, I found myself back in the room where it all started..all had their suitcases on the bed but this time not unpacking but packing to go away and then I looked at her scared of having to adjust without her; she smiled comfortingly it was an awful moment. As the cab pulled away I saw her standing on the driveway looking at the cab till she could see no more. It was then I realized I was leaving behind a loved one and not just a batchmate.

It has been three years since that day. I have visited Mumbai about 9 times during this period. We have kept in touch as if life depended upon it. It was only after IIJNM that we became close. I was the only soul who she made an extra effort to stay in touch. She was everything I had. I went back to her every few months to feel whole, to get some sense knocked into my head. The only one who did not judge me one bit when I broke norms, did things which even I could not imagine. There were no warm words of comfort but very direct hurtful comments which showed me light. She held my hand as I broke down, I told her things I could not admit to even myself. She saw to it that there would be someone who would show me the things that were and be there when it hit me and help me tide through it all.

Together we have seen the most terrible upheavals of life. But unlike me, she saw things through, as I screwed up and took risks; she held on with conviction. In our disagreements we found strength. Today my Vaidu long legs gets married to her childhood sweetheart. And I know what it took her to get here. She has found her happiness in Ashok who fought the world, sacrificed so much to be there for his girlfriend who has waited for him for 5 long years.. Today, as they get inked together forever, a hope lives, that dreams do come true.. today Why Dahi; becomes Mrs, Vaidehi Ashok and her friend has been unable to make it! Can anything be more crappy?

As she revels in her new found happiness, Instead of being there by her side here I am sitting in my cubicle trying to swallow the tears that threaten to spill. Vaidu, know that if I could be there I would have. Know that what we share is special. That it has stood the tests of time, it is for keeps. I may not say it often but I do love you, without you these last 4 years of my life would have been the toughest. Without you giving up on life would have been so easy. Thank you for being there and understanding me when no-one ever did... Wishing you the very best in life..Congratulations and have a very happy married life!!

Change

Strange thing this heart is, it unlearns everything with a touch of love, no matter how insignificant it is. Months of rigorous training all in vain! To top it off building the walls once again to shield the vulnerable self becomes a mammoth task! All the heart craves for, is some love and at the sight of a flicker of it, it throws caution to the wind and just submits to the heady feeling. And once the tide runs out and the darkness dawns, the heart grapples hard to adjust to the hard realities of life.

There is just so little to be happy or be content with, and if to top it off those little unique things are taken away, you are left wondering just how to cope with it all. Subconsciously I guess all I have ever wanted from you Love, is that we remain unique in our own eccentricities; something that will always make you smile every time you think about us. With time, I see you change, even if it is just the way you look at things now, things that used to be so precious to us. Things that may be insignificant, but so essential to 'us' that has just become 'me' and not 'you' anymore. As I see you change, a change that is not conscious I understand, a change I so detest, a change I cannot accept, a change that kills me, I realize this is just how it will be. Love wont change I want to believe, but when I see you evolve I am not sure any more.

Is it the first signs of a carefully loved world crumbling down? I wouldn't know but the sense of hurt is massive. I feel like I lost as essential part of my being. Why? Did I believe that I will be able to con reality always? Did I believe that I had the power to have my way some way or another, even if not in the truest of sense?

I always draw strength from the way we have managed to cling on to our emotions, that bind us together, in a way that even our realities have been unable to part us. We donot exist as 'us' anymore, but in our unique way, we love, we care and we are there for each other; the only way we can. But as I see those little things we so cheerished being reduced to just mine, a part of me dies, loses hope and the pain of which is unbearable. It is so hard to mourn this change, this change that will be so difficult to accept and internalize. The change, that will be yet another bitter pill I will have to swallow, yet another loss I will have to bear, despite having lost the one person I loved with all my heart; You.

Some more strength, God!

Little puddles of love..8 months and still many more to go

Love,

The last time I wrote to you was about 6 months back, when in the beginning of every month I would write to recount that month without you. Since then I have become stronger, I have learnt to blink back the tears that threatened to fall every time I set my eyes on you. Every time something would remind me of you, I felt a part of die a million deaths. Those nights of praying for sleep to take over so the mind would stop thinking about you are now over. All those mornings I would wake up with no zest for life as I would hurt, long for you and find reasons to hold on.

It has been an uphill task, no it has not stopped hurting, if possible it has increased manifolds. I have just bettered myself at reacting to it. Well one has to do things to preserve whatever little dignity one has right? You know, in all these months, the only thing that kept me going is the image of seeing you smile, the cloud of unhappiness not casting a shadow on your face, clear and bright your face smiling at me, for me, only for me. That, is my single most happy thought. Every time things go wrong and i feel upset and ready to explode I just close my eyes and picture you smile and it works wonders.

You are right, I have stopped needing you. I don't need you for anything. Not my mental peace. Not for friendship and surely not for love. I am content in my memories. In my memories you are mine. In my memories it is a perfect world. In my mind I talk to you every day, so what if you dont reply? So what if you dont hold me close when I need comforting the most. So what if I want to spend time with you and you just cant nor do you ever feel the need. So what? I have found my own lil world in my own thoughts. In my world there are no let downs, no insecurities, no anger and surely no lack of love. So many things are missing yet the things that are there make up for every single of them.

I feel surer, stronger and lot more in control of the emotions that create a chaos, too turbulent to keep in check. But at the same time I realize the importance you have in my life, so what you are not there any more? I know you are going to be a part of my existence, an intrinsic part of my soul. A part which I can never surgically part with. So instead of fighting, I have accepted that there is never going to be another you. You will be there in every breath I take. At the same time I will not let that be the only thing about my existence, I will live, love and be free.

Love, I have always wanted us to be special, in a way that you have never ever known before. I may have failed but then there is no knowing. But know that you were loved, you will be no matter how much it hurts. There are a million things I don't tell you, I never will, but that does not mean I don't feel them anymore, just that there is no need or use to express them anymore. The heart longs to know how you are coping with this, since we so efficiently behave as if nothing in life has changed since!

As the days go by, love assumes new form, it teaches so many ways to make things work. We fight, we are unhappy, we find newer ways to find the lost smiles in each other. We have learned to live apart but will we ever learn to live without each other? May we never find that out, for what we have, however little is enough, it shall fuel the love that keeps us together, despite being apart, in ways that most can't comprehend.

Love, the only way I know how..

Of Books and Journals

This post is about me, the Me I used to be, the me i miss but I realize I never will be. Every time I reconnect with anything that deals with the times I have left behind a kind of numbness takes over. I try real hard not to go back and read old pages from my journal, in fact I try not to write, be it a blog or journal. I try hard not to tweet or express in every written form but I end up doing it despite the misgivings and that is my undoing.

I have always said that I write to preserve my sanity. But by writing I end up chronicling thoughts, thoughts I keep coming back to. Being a Virgo does not help, because I end up reading, analyzing, dissecting some more and in turn hurting twice over.

A couple of years back I re-read The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough. The first time I read it was when I was 13. This has been my favourite book and it was only when I was gifting this book to a loved one, I thought of re-reading the book. After two days of upset reading I completed the book, but it took me more time to snap out of the shocking realization that a book that I read at 13 had defined my thoughts and life unknowingly. In reflection, I dont think I am surprised, even as the events were happening and I was going through a roller coaster in life, the calmness with which I dealt with them, the ideologies I have and the reasons behind each of those choices I made, had a very strong influence for that one book. Revisiting the book probably made sense of all those confusing times when I was shocked at my own decisions.

Then there was this journal I kept in one of the darkest phases of my life. The journal chronicled about 6 months of a time when I just wrote to keep sane, to remember by penning down memories, bit by bit with care. I wrote about events that happened. what I felt, how people reacted, how situations were. I wept in anguish. I burned in anger. I wrote passionately, fell in love some more, in my fervent penning down I found a way to redeem myself. A year later, stronger, wiser and lot more in control I went back to this journal and broke down, actually feeling sorry for the naive young girl who changed the course of her entire life with just one mad, passionate, love filled decision. I cried in mourning, as if i was an outsider seeing someone else wince in pain. That was it, I felt such devotion like love and the pain it entailed should not be revered if it is not valued. There at one go, I ripped the pages out and took pains to make a billion pieces of it so that not even one word could be deciphered. Hot angry tears flowed, it hurt like hell but to see the remains of a beautiful phase of my life now reduced to just heaps of paper littered in my room; but it did give me some sadistic satisfaction!

I feel my education and my fiercely independent lifestyle will be my undoing. I question and analyze much more than required. The more I read, the more the vagabond in me feels wild, wanting to break away from pre-determined societal and familial norms. I find it hard to conform to the very basic tenets of relationships, social obligations and norms which at some point of time I used to adhere to. Existential questions plagues the mind and robbing the mind of peace. I think then, that my books and journals are the only things that allow me to escape the mundane world.. It whets the bold and fiercely independent spirit me that wants to defies the accepted and create my own niche. It becomes the only escape that I am permitted and it is through them that my parallel world is established, where all things I love and hold dear exists without a cloud of gloom or uncertainty shrouding it, this part of my existence no matter how ethereal, it is the only way that my existence feels worthwhile.

Of books and journals,

Of words which aid me in finding you,
Time and again

Words, which weaves a world
Of just you and me,

A world where there are no time frames

Where the day begins with your smile,

And ends with your arms holding me tight.

Through words, I live our forever after

A world where there are no fears for tomorrow

Just this moment that lasts a lifetime...

Of summer heat and heart that beats..

She flicked a tendril  of hair from her face, summers were here and the heat was already unbearable. It was one of her days off but instead of an afternoon siesta; there she was sitting curled up on the bean bag with a book. The only sound she could hear was of the gentle humming of the AC. She smiled to herself. Thinking back to the times gone by. Summers, always brought back various memories.

The most vivid childhood memories were that of waking up to thunder and lightening and pitter patter rain drops on her window sill. Those reluctant few moments, when she would pull the covers up and let the sound of rain comfort her. Then there was that mad dash to the terrace to get drenched as it poured like crazy, soaking her clothes and purging her soul. Summers in Kolkata, meant Kalboishaki, storm and thunder that took away the stinging heat of the day and it was that which she loved like crazy.

As years rolled on, summers would come to mean stinging Delhi summers, the days of traveling in an auto with face covered up. Those midnight ice-cream cravings and him stepping out to satiate each and every one of them. Sometimes it would be a malai kulfi and sometimes a chocolate tub; whatever be the flavor, the ice cream miraculously tasted heavenly only because he so lovingly fed it to her. Nights seemed to wear off in his embrace, his gentle breathing lulling her off to sleep, her days beginning with a kiss on his forehead and it would end with his loving caress.

Memories came thick and fast and she sighed, she knew life since then had changed drastically. Pain and anguished marred her existence, going to the brink and back and then finding peace. All she needed to do was close her eyes to see the images flashing in front of her eyes. Unknowingly she had clenched her fists, her lips pursed in a straight line, as memories took her back in time in some of the darkest hours of her life. She felt as if she was spiraling into pits of despair like that summer evening when she had watched her life collapse as he walked away; the rain Gods had mercy on her and decided to pour. Minutes turned into hours and time stood still.

A gentle kiss on her forehead snapped her out of her reverie; as she looked up to see his smiling face. Instantaneously warmth spread through her, the worst had passed, he was there with her, to stay. As his arms came around her and he snuggled up to her, she knew she had triumphed her fears and had come a long way. At a distance she could see the rain clouds join forces and she could almost smell the rain. As his fingers caressed her head, she tucked her head under his chin and settled in. His familiar smell cocooning her as love reassured her that the storm had passed.

As the first drops came down in torrents, she handed him a cup of coffee and settled in beside him.  Life had come a full circle, if life was as harsh as the summers, He was like the rain that took the sting away and made it worthwhile.

Words..

The lock opens easily as I push open the door to enter the tiny little pad I call home. Like a clockwork I shed the backpack, switch on the tv, flick the AC on and flip channels to set it to a music channel of my choice. Piling my hair on top of my head, I do my usual chores, the phone is set on charge on silent mode. Clothes are sorted and kept out to be worn post the shower. Dinner is prepared, in between tweets keep flowing, if a call is noticed, it is answered to with a sense of dismissed irritation. No I donot like talking on the phone. Dinner is had sans conversation, but of course, no I have stopped missing company. Life is pretty much like this, day in day out. No, no complains there..

There are nights when insomnia is tackled with some great reads, book reviewing has truly filled that void that has been eating into my existence. Relationships are missed but not in the truest of sense. While yes it would have been truly amazing to share my life but honestly I am yet to come across someone, even a friend who is willing to give just as much to a relationship. Friends primarily are a let down, even the long standing ones. I have seen them slip away one by one. Could be my doing.. but I am yet to come up with a reason why. I guess the problem with us as a generation is that we say or do things for the heck of saying or doing it, without understanding fully what we are really getting into.

Do you realize what it truly means when you say "I will be there for you through thick and thin?" have you been there for a friend who has braved your ill temper, your bad days, days when the world was a bitter place to be in? I do blame ego for it, most often we let ego rule not realizing ego has never been good enough for the relationships we live. Disillusioned about the relationships I have had in my life, and trust me I am not even meaning romantic ones. If a person cannot or should not be there for you, when you consider him/ a friend, how is it helping you anyway when you need someone the most? And we are not even talking about people who are not there by choice or sheer ignorance of being there for you. The end thing remains, when you want to just probably talk, may not even make sense, you have no-one around.

I say, know the scores and have just those who will be there or do as much for you, as you are willing to do for them. Do away with disappointment and misery because after all it is your life and you are the keeper of sanity and well being. Be there for yourself and do what needs to be done. Treat yourself as the doormat and see the world do the same to you.

Words, don't say what you donot mean. If said try and stick by it till the end, even if you find it hard. If you can't be there donot give your word for it! How hard is it? And if you think you have redundant relationships in your life, then make it clutter free, do away with what you can do without. If you dont love yourself, you can hardly expect others to do the same.

I won't say that following this has impacted my life in a revolutionary way, but I have been burnt way too many times for believing people when people say or imply "I will be there for you" and have not. I have been spurned in a way that it has left scars, when I have been there for people through thick and thin because of promising the same.

Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another. 

-Napoleon Hill

I take words very seriously and I can but lead by example. Hence, words are chosen with great thought, lest it impacts someone's life the way it did to mine..

Because you loved me...

I belong to a family of 5 of which just one is a male member. I have for all of half a decade of life never been treated as a weaker sex. To be honest I never really felt being a girl child was something that is any different from being a boy. In fact when I look back I see a gangly me with unruly hair in shorts and tee playing cricket with my para (locality) boys. The only telling off I got from my parents was that I was out till late and that I needed to study and not how a girl should never wear shorts and play with boys.

It was only when I finally stepped out into the world I realized how Baba (my dad) was my first soldier. He stood between me and the world, protecting me and allowing me to have a mind of my own and to grow without a bias pulling me down. I made my own academic choices, I opted to study in a different city, since then I have moved three cities, each time I had my Baba as a silent companion who supported me throughout without any questions asked. Marriage talks and parental pressure is something that I have no clue about.

Over the years I have been lucky to have had colleagues and friends who never really made me feel that I belong to what is known as the "weaker sex". Baring a few male chauvinists that came along my way, friends, colleagues and loved ones have been a pillar of strength. They call to check on me but never impose their ideas or rules on me. As an independent working woman staying in a city of Delhi, ups the worry quotient in most but not once have i been victimized for my choice of profession, or my attire or my activates.

It is only when I come across other women who share their grievances about not being treated equally or being subject to a different set of rules I realize just how lucky I have been to have men in my life who have been like pillars of strength and like soldiers protected my right to an equal world. Be it that protective hand on my waist to propel me in a crowd, or the telephonic conversation from Baba who inquires about my well being, or that text that inquires if I reached home or that email that tells me that all I have to do when in need is to reach out. Thanks to the men in my life I know a world that is but a myth for most.

I walk tall, I live life freely, I voice my opinions strongly, I live my life by my rules, I am confident as a person and a firm believer of the innate goodness of mankind because the men in my life.

  This post is a part of #Soldierforwomen in association with BlogAdda.com

The embers burn on..

Last few months have been really emotionally draining, I fought hard to make peace with the pain killing me. I tried to smile through the tears, I wallowed in the pain, I tried to feel angry but failed successfully, I loved far more deeply. In all of this mess, I forgot how to smile genuinely, I forgot to feel happy, I forgot how it is to feel excited; no I have not learned to un-forget. I am still not in that space where I am who I used to be.

In this journey of resurrection I realized that with time we evolve, we become newer versions of who will ultimately become. The old us will undergo changes, what remains intact is our views and values of life. It took me time to accept. I grappled hard to cling to what I believed was the Me I should be and I failed miserably. I have lost count to how many times I have made resolutions only to go back and break them. In all of this, I have loved fiercely, passionately and the only way I knew how. Ultimately I have given in to the fact, that rarely we come across someone we love wholeheartedly, with whom every dream comes true, who fits into your being and your life like a missing jigsaw puzzle, instead of fighting it I have welcomed love and also the pain of being unable to keep it there forever.

Forever, whenever I think of it I donot ever confine it to usual mundane things like marriage. Nothing against marriage here but how has marriage ever guaranteed love? It is when I am low, when nothing makes sense, every part of me wants to give up, a call comes through or a random email which has shared songs. It takes just that to comfort me. I know I dont need the usual 'I love you' to feel on top of the world. In times of strife when things are going downhill, he reaches out, I know I am the one he needs, I know then that here is a bond that defies all logic, defies the social norms, that transcends boundaries. That understands without even having to explain! That comforts you just the way you need comforting..

Apart as life destined us to be,

yet connected with the strangest of bonds 

A love that is rare!

You and me,what will always be,

a part of me!

In my selfishness of reveling in the pain and the knowledge that I have what most would die for, I had forgotten that there is a far bigger perspective to life: Death! I shuddered when the mind fleetingly raced to the situation when the knowledge that the smile that I so love is not there anymore! A part of me lurched, cringed in pain and ultimately gave in to the knowledge; that I'd rather lose him to life than to death, never to death. It was then that the pain of not having him close, to not wake up to him, to not melt in his arms, to not succumb to his passionate kiss or to live a lifetime together became a whole lot easier to bear.

I'd rather know that you are there somewhere

Even if you are not mine

Than know that the smile 

That I so love

Has been extinguished forever!

Forgive and Forget

When you are in love with someone you know that there will be fights, there will be situations when the love of your life will act just a little weird, that is when you have to stand tall and say "baby I understand, this is a bad phase, this too shall pass!" Then there are times when everything  goes downhill, when despite trying everything, nothing made a difference; but you still hold on, because you know love will see you through.

Most often we forget to do the one thing that is most important, when we have a problem with the one we love. We choose to bottle things up, we tell our friends, we rant on social media, we let it all pile up or even act irrationally and vent our pent up frustration by just having one of the greatest fights ever. We never consider to talk to our partner about it. Alternatively, we never give our partner the importance to hear him or her out, we get defensive, too absorbed by other things that we ignore the needs, the pleas of the one we love the most. Sad but true. Then the pent up emotions erupts, harsh words are exchanged, hurt slashes painfully and that part of your heart you hold sacred shrinks smaller and smaller.

Sometimes, we realize sooner than later, that the words spoken has hurt our loved one and make amends too. The same loved one you can barely see go through any kind of pain, be it a blister on the feet or a migraine attack; is now hurt by your harsh words. Most often we fail to fathom the extent of damage that we have done which has corroded our relationship. We choose ego and our belief of what is self respect over love and lose a perfectly beautiful relationship. We forget that with time we can put behind a fight but the words spoken echoes long after they were said, haunting and scarring and ultimately destroying the love that you once prized so much.

Often we find it hard to forget, but it is still in our capacity to forgive and move on. When forgiving becomes difficult, moving on becomes the only option. Relationships are so difficult to nurture, giving up is tough, walking away is heartbreaking. So why not make the effort to love it like we did on the first day we realized we were in love? Why not make love a habit and a way of our life and not just those rare days when you feel taken over by the strong indulgent need to express and endorse love? By loving each day, we value every little thing we do for the one we love, we cherish every little thing that is done for us and ultimately we avoid saying or doing things when things comes to a pass where forgiving and forgetting have to be resorted to.

Love is essentially the most important feeling that guides us through every thing that we do. Be it the food we like eating, the person we want to wake up to, the clothes we prefer to wear or the job we do. Love makes all the difference! So love freely, love indulgently, love obsessively, love passionately, love like there is no tomorrow. Make love a way of life, love will see you through the time of strife! Love will ensure you never have to forgive or forget! Love is the only thing that makes this journey worthwhile.

C'est la vie

Your perfume clinging to me

Long after you are gone..

You are the love that defines my kohled eyes

Smudged with sleep and ardent lovemaking

You are the reason, smile adorns my lips

Swollen with passion of hungry kisses.

Yours are love marks on my neck
 That brand me as yours
Yours are the fingers laced in mine
As passion takes us higher.
Your is the arms that holds me tight
As night makes way for a new day.
Yours are the kisses I wake up to
Yours is the smile I trip over, time and again.
Yours is the last thought,
as sleep takes over.

Yours is the voice that brightens up my day
and brings back the much need peace.
Yours is the hug I melt into
And find my sanity.
Yours is the touch that makes me come alive
And fills me with a sense of belonging.

You are mine, just the way I am yours,
the only way hearts filled with love can..

Today, tomorrow and always.
 

Happy Valentine's Day Love!