Love,
The last time I wrote to you was about 6 months back, when in the beginning of every month I would write to recount that month without you. Since then I have become stronger, I have learnt to blink back the tears that threatened to fall every time I set my eyes on you. Every time something would remind me of you, I felt a part of die a million deaths. Those nights of praying for sleep to take over so the mind would stop thinking about you are now over. All those mornings I would wake up with no zest for life as I would hurt, long for you and find reasons to hold on.
It has been an uphill task, no it has not stopped hurting, if possible it has increased manifolds. I have just bettered myself at reacting to it. Well one has to do things to preserve whatever little dignity one has right? You know, in all these months, the only thing that kept me going is the image of seeing you smile, the cloud of unhappiness not casting a shadow on your face, clear and bright your face smiling at me, for me, only for me. That, is my single most happy thought. Every time things go wrong and i feel upset and ready to explode I just close my eyes and picture you smile and it works wonders.
You are right, I have stopped needing you. I don't need you for anything. Not my mental peace. Not for friendship and surely not for love. I am content in my memories. In my memories you are mine. In my memories it is a perfect world. In my mind I talk to you every day, so what if you dont reply? So what if you dont hold me close when I need comforting the most. So what if I want to spend time with you and you just cant nor do you ever feel the need. So what? I have found my own lil world in my own thoughts. In my world there are no let downs, no insecurities, no anger and surely no lack of love. So many things are missing yet the things that are there make up for every single of them.
I feel surer, stronger and lot more in control of the emotions that create a chaos, too turbulent to keep in check. But at the same time I realize the importance you have in my life, so what you are not there any more? I know you are going to be a part of my existence, an intrinsic part of my soul. A part which I can never surgically part with. So instead of fighting, I have accepted that there is never going to be another you. You will be there in every breath I take. At the same time I will not let that be the only thing about my existence, I will live, love and be free.
Love, I have always wanted us to be special, in a way that you have never ever known before. I may have failed but then there is no knowing. But know that you were loved, you will be no matter how much it hurts. There are a million things I don't tell you, I never will, but that does not mean I don't feel them anymore, just that there is no need or use to express them anymore. The heart longs to know how you are coping with this, since we so efficiently behave as if nothing in life has changed since!
As the days go by, love assumes new form, it teaches so many ways to make things work. We fight, we are unhappy, we find newer ways to find the lost smiles in each other. We have learned to live apart but will we ever learn to live without each other? May we never find that out, for what we have, however little is enough, it shall fuel the love that keeps us together, despite being apart, in ways that most can't comprehend.
Love, the only way I know how..
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Of Books and Journals
This post is about me, the Me I used to be, the me i miss but I
realize I never will be. Every time I reconnect with anything that deals
with the times I have left behind a kind of numbness takes over. I try
real hard not to go back and read old pages from my journal, in fact I
try not to write, be it a blog or journal. I try hard not to tweet or
express in every written form but I end up doing it despite the
misgivings and that is my undoing.
I have always said that I write to preserve my sanity. But by writing I end up chronicling thoughts, thoughts I keep coming back to. Being a Virgo does not help, because I end up reading, analyzing, dissecting some more and in turn hurting twice over.
A couple of years back I re-read The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough. The first time I read it was when I was 13. This has been my favourite book and it was only when I was gifting this book to a loved one, I thought of re-reading the book. After two days of upset reading I completed the book, but it took me more time to snap out of the shocking realization that a book that I read at 13 had defined my thoughts and life unknowingly. In reflection, I dont think I am surprised, even as the events were happening and I was going through a roller coaster in life, the calmness with which I dealt with them, the ideologies I have and the reasons behind each of those choices I made, had a very strong influence for that one book. Revisiting the book probably made sense of all those confusing times when I was shocked at my own decisions.
Then there was this journal I kept in one of the darkest phases of my life. The journal chronicled about 6 months of a time when I just wrote to keep sane, to remember by penning down memories, bit by bit with care. I wrote about events that happened. what I felt, how people reacted, how situations were. I wept in anguish. I burned in anger. I wrote passionately, fell in love some more, in my fervent penning down I found a way to redeem myself. A year later, stronger, wiser and lot more in control I went back to this journal and broke down, actually feeling sorry for the naive young girl who changed the course of her entire life with just one mad, passionate, love filled decision. I cried in mourning, as if i was an outsider seeing someone else wince in pain. That was it, I felt such devotion like love and the pain it entailed should not be revered if it is not valued. There at one go, I ripped the pages out and took pains to make a billion pieces of it so that not even one word could be deciphered. Hot angry tears flowed, it hurt like hell but to see the remains of a beautiful phase of my life now reduced to just heaps of paper littered in my room; but it did give me some sadistic satisfaction!
I feel my education and my fiercely independent lifestyle will be my undoing. I question and analyze much more than required. The more I read, the more the vagabond in me feels wild, wanting to break away from pre-determined societal and familial norms. I find it hard to conform to the very basic tenets of relationships, social obligations and norms which at some point of time I used to adhere to. Existential questions plagues the mind and robbing the mind of peace. I think then, that my books and journals are the only things that allow me to escape the mundane world.. It whets the bold and fiercely independent spirit me that wants to defies the accepted and create my own niche. It becomes the only escape that I am permitted and it is through them that my parallel world is established, where all things I love and hold dear exists without a cloud of gloom or uncertainty shrouding it, this part of my existence no matter how ethereal, it is the only way that my existence feels worthwhile.
I have always said that I write to preserve my sanity. But by writing I end up chronicling thoughts, thoughts I keep coming back to. Being a Virgo does not help, because I end up reading, analyzing, dissecting some more and in turn hurting twice over.
A couple of years back I re-read The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough. The first time I read it was when I was 13. This has been my favourite book and it was only when I was gifting this book to a loved one, I thought of re-reading the book. After two days of upset reading I completed the book, but it took me more time to snap out of the shocking realization that a book that I read at 13 had defined my thoughts and life unknowingly. In reflection, I dont think I am surprised, even as the events were happening and I was going through a roller coaster in life, the calmness with which I dealt with them, the ideologies I have and the reasons behind each of those choices I made, had a very strong influence for that one book. Revisiting the book probably made sense of all those confusing times when I was shocked at my own decisions.
Then there was this journal I kept in one of the darkest phases of my life. The journal chronicled about 6 months of a time when I just wrote to keep sane, to remember by penning down memories, bit by bit with care. I wrote about events that happened. what I felt, how people reacted, how situations were. I wept in anguish. I burned in anger. I wrote passionately, fell in love some more, in my fervent penning down I found a way to redeem myself. A year later, stronger, wiser and lot more in control I went back to this journal and broke down, actually feeling sorry for the naive young girl who changed the course of her entire life with just one mad, passionate, love filled decision. I cried in mourning, as if i was an outsider seeing someone else wince in pain. That was it, I felt such devotion like love and the pain it entailed should not be revered if it is not valued. There at one go, I ripped the pages out and took pains to make a billion pieces of it so that not even one word could be deciphered. Hot angry tears flowed, it hurt like hell but to see the remains of a beautiful phase of my life now reduced to just heaps of paper littered in my room; but it did give me some sadistic satisfaction!
I feel my education and my fiercely independent lifestyle will be my undoing. I question and analyze much more than required. The more I read, the more the vagabond in me feels wild, wanting to break away from pre-determined societal and familial norms. I find it hard to conform to the very basic tenets of relationships, social obligations and norms which at some point of time I used to adhere to. Existential questions plagues the mind and robbing the mind of peace. I think then, that my books and journals are the only things that allow me to escape the mundane world.. It whets the bold and fiercely independent spirit me that wants to defies the accepted and create my own niche. It becomes the only escape that I am permitted and it is through them that my parallel world is established, where all things I love and hold dear exists without a cloud of gloom or uncertainty shrouding it, this part of my existence no matter how ethereal, it is the only way that my existence feels worthwhile.
Of books and journals,
Of words which aid me in finding you,
Time and again
Time and again
Words, which weaves a world
Of just you and me,
Of just you and me,
A world where there are no time frames
Where the day begins with your smile,
And ends with your arms holding me tight.
Through words, I live our forever after
A world where there are no fears for tomorrow
Just this moment that lasts a lifetime...
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Of summer heat and heart that beats..
She flicked a tendril of hair from her face, summers were here and the heat was already unbearable. It was one of her days off but instead of an afternoon siesta; there she was sitting curled up on the bean bag with a book. The only sound she could hear was of the gentle humming of the AC. She smiled to herself. Thinking back to the times gone by. Summers, always brought back various memories.
The most vivid childhood
memories were that of waking up to thunder and lightening and pitter patter
rain drops on her window sill. Those reluctant few moments, when she would pull
the covers up and let the sound of rain comfort her. Then there was that mad
dash to the terrace to get drenched as it poured like crazy, soaking her
clothes and purging her soul. Summers in Kolkata, meant Kalboishaki, storm and
thunder that took away the stinging heat of the day and it was that which she
loved like crazy.
As years rolled on, summers
would come to mean stinging Delhi summers, the days of traveling in an auto
with face covered up. Those midnight ice-cream cravings and him stepping out to
satiate each and every one of them. Sometimes it would be a malai kulfi and
sometimes a chocolate tub; whatever be the flavor, the ice cream miraculously
tasted heavenly only because he so lovingly fed it to her. Nights seemed to
wear off in his embrace, his gentle breathing lulling her off to sleep, her
days beginning with a kiss on his forehead and it would end with his loving
caress.
Memories came thick and
fast and she sighed, she knew life since then had changed drastically. Pain and
anguished marred her existence, going to the brink and back and then finding
peace. All she needed to do was close her eyes to see the images flashing in
front of her eyes. Unknowingly she had clenched her fists, her lips pursed in a
straight line, as memories took her back in time in some of the darkest hours
of her life. She felt as if she was spiraling into pits of despair like that
summer evening when she had watched her life collapse as he walked away; the
rain Gods had mercy on her and decided to pour. Minutes turned into hours and
time stood still.
A gentle kiss on her
forehead snapped her out of her reverie; as she looked up to see his smiling
face. Instantaneously warmth spread through her, the worst had passed, he was
there with her, to stay. As his arms came around her and he snuggled up to her,
she knew she had triumphed her fears and had come a long way. At a distance she
could see the rain clouds join forces and she could almost smell the rain. As
his fingers caressed her head, she tucked her head under his chin and settled
in. His familiar smell cocooning her as love reassured her that the storm had
passed.
As the first drops came
down in torrents, she handed him a cup of coffee and settled in beside
him. Life had come a full circle, if life was as harsh as the summers,
He was like the rain that took the sting away and made it worthwhile.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Words..
The lock opens easily as I push open the door to enter the tiny little pad I call home. Like a clockwork I shed the backpack, switch on the tv, flick the AC on and flip channels to set it to a music channel of my choice. Piling my hair on top of my head, I do my usual chores, the phone is set on charge on silent mode. Clothes are sorted and kept out to be worn post the shower. Dinner is prepared, in between tweets keep flowing, if a call is noticed, it is answered to with a sense of dismissed irritation. No I donot like talking on the phone. Dinner is had sans conversation, but of course, no I have stopped missing company. Life is pretty much like this, day in day out. No, no complains there..
There are nights when insomnia is tackled with some great reads, book reviewing has truly filled that void that has been eating into my existence. Relationships are missed but not in the truest of sense. While yes it would have been truly amazing to share my life but honestly I am yet to come across someone, even a friend who is willing to give just as much to a relationship. Friends primarily are a let down, even the long standing ones. I have seen them slip away one by one. Could be my doing.. but I am yet to come up with a reason why. I guess the problem with us as a generation is that we say or do things for the heck of saying or doing it, without understanding fully what we are really getting into.
Do you realize what it truly means when you say "I will be there for you through thick and thin?" have you been there for a friend who has braved your ill temper, your bad days, days when the world was a bitter place to be in? I do blame ego for it, most often we let ego rule not realizing ego has never been good enough for the relationships we live. Disillusioned about the relationships I have had in my life, and trust me I am not even meaning romantic ones. If a person cannot or should not be there for you, when you consider him/ a friend, how is it helping you anyway when you need someone the most? And we are not even talking about people who are not there by choice or sheer ignorance of being there for you. The end thing remains, when you want to just probably talk, may not even make sense, you have no-one around.
I say, know the scores and have just those who will be there or do as much for you, as you are willing to do for them. Do away with disappointment and misery because after all it is your life and you are the keeper of sanity and well being. Be there for yourself and do what needs to be done. Treat yourself as the doormat and see the world do the same to you.
Words, don't say what you donot mean. If said try and stick by it till the end, even if you find it hard. If you can't be there donot give your word for it! How hard is it? And if you think you have redundant relationships in your life, then make it clutter free, do away with what you can do without. If you dont love yourself, you can hardly expect others to do the same.
I won't say that following this has impacted my life in a revolutionary way, but I have been burnt way too many times for believing people when people say or imply "I will be there for you" and have not. I have been spurned in a way that it has left scars, when I have been there for people through thick and thin because of promising the same.
I take words very seriously and I can but lead by example. Hence, words are chosen with great thought, lest it impacts someone's life the way it did to mine..
There are nights when insomnia is tackled with some great reads, book reviewing has truly filled that void that has been eating into my existence. Relationships are missed but not in the truest of sense. While yes it would have been truly amazing to share my life but honestly I am yet to come across someone, even a friend who is willing to give just as much to a relationship. Friends primarily are a let down, even the long standing ones. I have seen them slip away one by one. Could be my doing.. but I am yet to come up with a reason why. I guess the problem with us as a generation is that we say or do things for the heck of saying or doing it, without understanding fully what we are really getting into.
Do you realize what it truly means when you say "I will be there for you through thick and thin?" have you been there for a friend who has braved your ill temper, your bad days, days when the world was a bitter place to be in? I do blame ego for it, most often we let ego rule not realizing ego has never been good enough for the relationships we live. Disillusioned about the relationships I have had in my life, and trust me I am not even meaning romantic ones. If a person cannot or should not be there for you, when you consider him/ a friend, how is it helping you anyway when you need someone the most? And we are not even talking about people who are not there by choice or sheer ignorance of being there for you. The end thing remains, when you want to just probably talk, may not even make sense, you have no-one around.
I say, know the scores and have just those who will be there or do as much for you, as you are willing to do for them. Do away with disappointment and misery because after all it is your life and you are the keeper of sanity and well being. Be there for yourself and do what needs to be done. Treat yourself as the doormat and see the world do the same to you.
Words, don't say what you donot mean. If said try and stick by it till the end, even if you find it hard. If you can't be there donot give your word for it! How hard is it? And if you think you have redundant relationships in your life, then make it clutter free, do away with what you can do without. If you dont love yourself, you can hardly expect others to do the same.
I won't say that following this has impacted my life in a revolutionary way, but I have been burnt way too many times for believing people when people say or imply "I will be there for you" and have not. I have been spurned in a way that it has left scars, when I have been there for people through thick and thin because of promising the same.
Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.
-Napoleon Hill
I take words very seriously and I can but lead by example. Hence, words are chosen with great thought, lest it impacts someone's life the way it did to mine..
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Because you loved me...
It was only when I finally stepped out into the world I realized how Baba (my dad) was my first soldier. He stood between me and the world, protecting me and allowing me to have a mind of my own and to grow without a bias pulling me down. I made my own academic choices, I opted to study in a different city, since then I have moved three cities, each time I had my Baba as a silent companion who supported me throughout without any questions asked. Marriage talks and parental pressure is something that I have no clue about.
Over the years I have been lucky to have had colleagues and friends who never really made me feel that I belong to what is known as the "weaker sex". Baring a few male chauvinists that came along my way, friends, colleagues and loved ones have been a pillar of strength. They call to check on me but never impose their ideas or rules on me. As an independent working woman staying in a city of Delhi, ups the worry quotient in most but not once have i been victimized for my choice of profession, or my attire or my activates.
It is only when I come across other women who share their grievances about not being treated equally or being subject to a different set of rules I realize just how lucky I have been to have men in my life who have been like pillars of strength and like soldiers protected my right to an equal world. Be it that protective hand on my waist to propel me in a crowd, or the telephonic conversation from Baba who inquires about my well being, or that text that inquires if I reached home or that email that tells me that all I have to do when in need is to reach out. Thanks to the men in my life I know a world that is but a myth for most.
I walk tall, I live life freely, I voice my opinions strongly, I live my life by my rules, I am confident as a person and a firm believer of the innate goodness of mankind because the men in my life.
Monday, March 18, 2013
The embers burn on..
In this journey of resurrection I realized that with time we evolve, we become newer versions of who will ultimately become. The old us will undergo changes, what remains intact is our views and values of life. It took me time to accept. I grappled hard to cling to what I believed was the Me I should be and I failed miserably. I have lost count to how many times I have made resolutions only to go back and break them. In all of this, I have loved fiercely, passionately and the only way I knew how. Ultimately I have given in to the fact, that rarely we come across someone we love wholeheartedly, with whom every dream comes true, who fits into your being and your life like a missing jigsaw puzzle, instead of fighting it I have welcomed love and also the pain of being unable to keep it there forever.
Forever, whenever I think of it I donot ever confine it to usual mundane things like marriage. Nothing against marriage here but how has marriage ever guaranteed love? It is when I am low, when nothing makes sense, every part of me wants to give up, a call comes through or a random email which has shared songs. It takes just that to comfort me. I know I dont need the usual 'I love you' to feel on top of the world. In times of strife when things are going downhill, he reaches out, I know I am the one he needs, I know then that here is a bond that defies all logic, defies the social norms, that transcends boundaries. That understands without even having to explain! That comforts you just the way you need comforting..
Apart as life destined us to be,
yet connected with the strangest of
bonds
A love that is rare!
You and me,what will always be,
a part of me!
In my selfishness of reveling in the pain and the knowledge that I have what most would die for, I had forgotten that there is a far bigger perspective to life: Death! I shuddered when the mind fleetingly raced to the situation when the knowledge that the smile that I so love is not there anymore! A part of me lurched, cringed in pain and ultimately gave in to the knowledge; that I'd rather lose him to life than to death, never to death. It was then that the pain of not having him close, to not wake up to him, to not melt in his arms, to not succumb to his passionate kiss or to live a lifetime together became a whole lot easier to bear.
I'd rather know that you are there somewhere
Even if you are not mine
Than know that the smile
That I so love
Has been extinguished forever!
Thursday, March 07, 2013
Forgive and Forget
When you are in love with someone you know that there will be fights, there will be situations when the love of your life will act just a little weird, that is when you have to stand tall and say "baby I understand, this is a bad phase, this too shall pass!" Then there are times when everything goes downhill, when despite trying everything, nothing made a difference; but you still hold on, because you know love will see you through.
Most often we forget to do the one thing that is most important, when we have a problem with the one we love. We choose to bottle things up, we tell our friends, we rant on social media, we let it all pile up or even act irrationally and vent our pent up frustration by just having one of the greatest fights ever. We never consider to talk to our partner about it. Alternatively, we never give our partner the importance to hear him or her out, we get defensive, too absorbed by other things that we ignore the needs, the pleas of the one we love the most. Sad but true. Then the pent up emotions erupts, harsh words are exchanged, hurt slashes painfully and that part of your heart you hold sacred shrinks smaller and smaller.
Sometimes, we realize sooner than later, that the words spoken has hurt our loved one and make amends too. The same loved one you can barely see go through any kind of pain, be it a blister on the feet or a migraine attack; is now hurt by your harsh words. Most often we fail to fathom the extent of damage that we have done which has corroded our relationship. We choose ego and our belief of what is self respect over love and lose a perfectly beautiful relationship. We forget that with time we can put behind a fight but the words spoken echoes long after they were said, haunting and scarring and ultimately destroying the love that you once prized so much.
Often we find it hard to forget, but it is still in our capacity to forgive and move on. When forgiving becomes difficult, moving on becomes the only option. Relationships are so difficult to nurture, giving up is tough, walking away is heartbreaking. So why not make the effort to love it like we did on the first day we realized we were in love? Why not make love a habit and a way of our life and not just those rare days when you feel taken over by the strong indulgent need to express and endorse love? By loving each day, we value every little thing we do for the one we love, we cherish every little thing that is done for us and ultimately we avoid saying or doing things when things comes to a pass where forgiving and forgetting have to be resorted to.
Love is essentially the most important feeling that guides us through every thing that we do. Be it the food we like eating, the person we want to wake up to, the clothes we prefer to wear or the job we do. Love makes all the difference! So love freely, love indulgently, love obsessively, love passionately, love like there is no tomorrow. Make love a way of life, love will see you through the time of strife! Love will ensure you never have to forgive or forget! Love is the only thing that makes this journey worthwhile.
Most often we forget to do the one thing that is most important, when we have a problem with the one we love. We choose to bottle things up, we tell our friends, we rant on social media, we let it all pile up or even act irrationally and vent our pent up frustration by just having one of the greatest fights ever. We never consider to talk to our partner about it. Alternatively, we never give our partner the importance to hear him or her out, we get defensive, too absorbed by other things that we ignore the needs, the pleas of the one we love the most. Sad but true. Then the pent up emotions erupts, harsh words are exchanged, hurt slashes painfully and that part of your heart you hold sacred shrinks smaller and smaller.
Sometimes, we realize sooner than later, that the words spoken has hurt our loved one and make amends too. The same loved one you can barely see go through any kind of pain, be it a blister on the feet or a migraine attack; is now hurt by your harsh words. Most often we fail to fathom the extent of damage that we have done which has corroded our relationship. We choose ego and our belief of what is self respect over love and lose a perfectly beautiful relationship. We forget that with time we can put behind a fight but the words spoken echoes long after they were said, haunting and scarring and ultimately destroying the love that you once prized so much.
Often we find it hard to forget, but it is still in our capacity to forgive and move on. When forgiving becomes difficult, moving on becomes the only option. Relationships are so difficult to nurture, giving up is tough, walking away is heartbreaking. So why not make the effort to love it like we did on the first day we realized we were in love? Why not make love a habit and a way of our life and not just those rare days when you feel taken over by the strong indulgent need to express and endorse love? By loving each day, we value every little thing we do for the one we love, we cherish every little thing that is done for us and ultimately we avoid saying or doing things when things comes to a pass where forgiving and forgetting have to be resorted to.
Love is essentially the most important feeling that guides us through every thing that we do. Be it the food we like eating, the person we want to wake up to, the clothes we prefer to wear or the job we do. Love makes all the difference! So love freely, love indulgently, love obsessively, love passionately, love like there is no tomorrow. Make love a way of life, love will see you through the time of strife! Love will ensure you never have to forgive or forget! Love is the only thing that makes this journey worthwhile.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
C'est la vie
Your perfume clinging to me
Long after you are gone..
You are the love that defines my kohled eyes
Smudged with sleep and ardent lovemaking
You are the reason, smile adorns my lips
Swollen with passion of hungry kisses.
Yours are love marks on my neck
That brand me as yours
Yours are the fingers laced in mine
As passion takes us higher.
Your is the arms that holds me tight
As night makes way for a new day.
Yours are the kisses I wake up to
Yours is the smile I trip over, time and again.
Yours is the last thought,
as sleep takes over.
Yours is the voice that brightens up my day
and brings back the much need peace.
Yours is the hug I melt into
And find my sanity.
Yours is the touch that makes me come alive
And fills me with a sense of belonging.
Today, tomorrow and always.
Yours are love marks on my neck
That brand me as yours
Yours are the fingers laced in mine
As passion takes us higher.
Your is the arms that holds me tight
As night makes way for a new day.
Yours are the kisses I wake up to
Yours is the smile I trip over, time and again.
Yours is the last thought,
as sleep takes over.
Yours is the voice that brightens up my day
and brings back the much need peace.
Yours is the hug I melt into
And find my sanity.
Yours is the touch that makes me come alive
And fills me with a sense of belonging.
You are mine, just the way I am yours,
the only way hearts filled with love can..
the only way hearts filled with love can..
Today, tomorrow and always.
Happy Valentine's Day Love!
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Two and still counting...
Love, it has been two months. I never knew that this day will come and I will be alive and deal with it unflinchingly! No the sting has not gone, it still hurts, tears do fall incessantly, sometimes without warning and there is not a soul I can turn to for comfort.
Being alive feels so wrong, nothing makes sense. I find it so hard to deal with a life without you. Amidst all the coping with a life without you, on a day to day basis, I had forgotten that this is how life will be from now, till the end of time. I feel so angry at myself for going through things twice over. I replay the events from the beginning of time, over and over again to try and see if a part of me wants to do it any other way. Each time I choose the same path and my trail of thought reaches where I am today. I get more and more angry at myself for it. You have never for once, in the happiest of moments or sad; lost focus of your responsibilities and duties; but here I am, I choose you over me time and again and I fail myself yet again...
I try and think of that day, two years back, when I stood on the platform, watching the train pull away, you stood there looking at me. As I saw the train disappear I felt a part of me die. It was only when I could see the train no more, that the tears finally came. I remember the mail I wrote to you telling you how it was the final goodbye to the most beautiful part of our lives. But then why did I melt down the moment I heard your voice on the phone? Why was I not strong enough to say, it was great when you were there, and now that you are gone I must move on, to be sane, to live. Why did I cling to you, to our memories, memorizing each and every event and capturing them in a journal, keeping 'us' alive? Why was I not strong enough to think about me, my future and walk away from 'us'? Why did I spurn all my friends who told me to move on for my own better future? Why did I go through this, knowing that you will never do the same for me? No, I am not grudging you for it, I never will. You have never given up for me, which means a lot to me, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is not enough.
As I look back, I can't forgive myself for having exposed myself to the same consequence twice over. Where did my practical self go? Why did I not have the strength to put an end to this when I still could and save myself for a lifetime of heartache? Why did I not think things through? Instead I came running back to you at the first opportunity? Why was I always happy with 'now' that 'tomorrow' never made sense to me? Why did I not think about myself for once? I willingly opened myself to some more heartache and more pain except this time the damage was forever. I wonder if I had not come to you, instead dealt with my circumstance, several thousands of miles away from you, would I not have been able to deal with life better, over time? You never led me to believe something that was never there, you never gave me false hopes, I am grateful to you for that. But why did I never question my happiness, my peace of mind, my dignity or my well being? You went away, for the second time, just the way it had been planned, like last time, this time too I saw you leave without a backward glance. Life fell apart for the second time, but I never questioned life, you or even myself about what next? What about me? Like other times I was left behind all alone, dealing with the intense sense of loss. Loss that I now know, I will never be able to survive or get over.
Now all that I see myself is as a broken individual, who is trudging along because she has no other option left. I find it so hard to forgive myself for not knowing better. I don't grudge the beautiful times we spent together, I don't regret the wonderful bond we share, your love encourages me to keep walking, it keeps me alive but the questions rip me apart. I have not a soul to turn to, not even you, somehow existing feels like a charade, I will death to come to me with every step I take. I know I can do better than this but for now, for this moment, pain makes it unbearable to go on.
More strength, God!
Being alive feels so wrong, nothing makes sense. I find it so hard to deal with a life without you. Amidst all the coping with a life without you, on a day to day basis, I had forgotten that this is how life will be from now, till the end of time. I feel so angry at myself for going through things twice over. I replay the events from the beginning of time, over and over again to try and see if a part of me wants to do it any other way. Each time I choose the same path and my trail of thought reaches where I am today. I get more and more angry at myself for it. You have never for once, in the happiest of moments or sad; lost focus of your responsibilities and duties; but here I am, I choose you over me time and again and I fail myself yet again...
I try and think of that day, two years back, when I stood on the platform, watching the train pull away, you stood there looking at me. As I saw the train disappear I felt a part of me die. It was only when I could see the train no more, that the tears finally came. I remember the mail I wrote to you telling you how it was the final goodbye to the most beautiful part of our lives. But then why did I melt down the moment I heard your voice on the phone? Why was I not strong enough to say, it was great when you were there, and now that you are gone I must move on, to be sane, to live. Why did I cling to you, to our memories, memorizing each and every event and capturing them in a journal, keeping 'us' alive? Why was I not strong enough to think about me, my future and walk away from 'us'? Why did I spurn all my friends who told me to move on for my own better future? Why did I go through this, knowing that you will never do the same for me? No, I am not grudging you for it, I never will. You have never given up for me, which means a lot to me, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is not enough.
As I look back, I can't forgive myself for having exposed myself to the same consequence twice over. Where did my practical self go? Why did I not have the strength to put an end to this when I still could and save myself for a lifetime of heartache? Why did I not think things through? Instead I came running back to you at the first opportunity? Why was I always happy with 'now' that 'tomorrow' never made sense to me? Why did I not think about myself for once? I willingly opened myself to some more heartache and more pain except this time the damage was forever. I wonder if I had not come to you, instead dealt with my circumstance, several thousands of miles away from you, would I not have been able to deal with life better, over time? You never led me to believe something that was never there, you never gave me false hopes, I am grateful to you for that. But why did I never question my happiness, my peace of mind, my dignity or my well being? You went away, for the second time, just the way it had been planned, like last time, this time too I saw you leave without a backward glance. Life fell apart for the second time, but I never questioned life, you or even myself about what next? What about me? Like other times I was left behind all alone, dealing with the intense sense of loss. Loss that I now know, I will never be able to survive or get over.
Now all that I see myself is as a broken individual, who is trudging along because she has no other option left. I find it so hard to forgive myself for not knowing better. I don't grudge the beautiful times we spent together, I don't regret the wonderful bond we share, your love encourages me to keep walking, it keeps me alive but the questions rip me apart. I have not a soul to turn to, not even you, somehow existing feels like a charade, I will death to come to me with every step I take. I know I can do better than this but for now, for this moment, pain makes it unbearable to go on.
More strength, God!
Monday, December 03, 2012
Memories of the months gone by...
Memories are what drives me.. it can be in a smell or a season or for that matter a month. I have been honoured by Nimue to take up The Writing Prompt, which is in its third year now. If you want to know more click here. Basically I will write about all the 12 months of the year and the memories attached to it.
Every year I do write "this year that was" well this year it is the same with just a little twist.
January- When I think back, a shudder runs down my spine. I cannot think of one happy moment. It was one of the most difficult phases of my life. I was in between jobs, my parents were worried about my future, there was this huge amount of pressure to give up this independent life and get home. Then there was personal life, even love was not comfort enough, it was beginning to crumble, i knew the end was near and it was a matter of time. I remember those long walks in the park, tears running down my face, silent prayers kept me going, i wanted things to just work out, that was all i needed. January was also a month of false hopes and almost sunrises but nothing materialized.
February- All i really wanted to do was curl up and die. I wanted to fast forward time, to escape. It was the darkest hour of my life, I was ready to give up. There was this one call from my Dad, then some more to finally get me going and yank out a suitcase, drop things randomly in it, scattered mind, raging emotions and every part of me was ready to give up on life. In the airport, one freak call from I and a new opportunity came in just when life felt so drab. Two weeks home and back to Delhi on a very cold morning, a couple of days of running around, random interviews for one opportunity that finally set the ball rolling. On Valentine's Day I was employed again. On personal front, I knew it was my first and last Valentine's Day that would mean anything. Hardly the kind for overtly romantic things, it was yet another a day with the one I loved the most. A regular day, great conversation, snuggled in the blanket, watching an iconic movie with the one person who means the world, some great wine and a yummy dinner, that is how beautiful my day was and I knew I was happy. That night when I went to sleep I promised myself that nothing would ever take away the essence of love and for whatever happened next, regrets would never ever cast a shadow.
March- Finally I decided to leave the dark past behind and walk ahead with head held high. I got back to work, new friends, new environment, newer challenges. Slowly but steadily I regained my confidence, took up challenges and sailed through some very tricky situations at work, I was learning, growing and I finally left behind the unsure, apprehensive and self doubting me and evolved into someone I used to be.
April- Winter had gone by and summer was here. Life too was taking newer turns. I finally let go of the vagabond me, who was living life as if to suddenly wake up from sleep one day, pack and move to a new city. I knew I would stick around. My state of mind got reflected in the way I dealt with life. I finally got out bought myself a fridge, the first sign that I was willing to give Delhi and life a chance. A trip to Mumbai finally restored the mental peace that was eluding me all this while.
May- While certain things in my life was falling into place, another part of my life was crumbling, the deadline was set and it was the beginning of the end.
June- Summers were here, with the sense of loss looming large over our heads, we knew this was all we could ever have. Love blossomed and happiness reigned in the fake comfort of Now.
July- While a part of me died every day, another part of me was angry at the injustice. There was an intense urge to lash out at the world impulsively to do something drastic. I was trying hard to reclaim an old life. I lived in the false belief that life is all about doing the right thing, I had forgotten how driven I was by emotions. While the heart belonged elsewhere I tried to follow my head.
August- It was a lull before the storm, the knowledge that time was running out was very prominent, no one acknowledged it. Life was a lot blissful on the surface but the storm was simmering within. I was rebellious, I was not willing to lie still and be left behind, I did things just to find the me I had left behind somewhere. The strong and independent individual in me surfaced and slowly I transformed my house into a home. While I was slowly learning not to need the One, I was making peace with the fact that the feelings I felt towards him was for keeps, it was one of the worst emotional roller coasters I have been through.
September- The most dreaded birthday month was here, as always, I knew it will be the worst I will go through and survive. I was hurt by a friend whom I had welcomed in a part of me where not many had an access to. If this was not bad enough, the end was just days away and I felt like I was living a life with a live bomb attached to me, it was as if I could hear the time tick by and nothing I did could make me relax or breathe, by the end of it I wanted the end to come because anticipating the end was like a slow death. On one hand I was making peace with the course my life was taking, I was preparing myself to let go gracefully without a fight. Days trickled by, the end was came and went as suddenly as it had began. I have no clue how I went through what I did. It felt as if I was living my worst nightmare, one that had no end.
October- I have lived this nightmare once before but it had not prepared me for the second onslaught of the same. This was it! I have no clue how I stayed alive, how I have went from day to day doing the daily things. All I can recollect is that I could not sleep for weeks on end. I felt like a dead person walking, nothing made sense. It was only when he reached out, loved me unconditionally, reassured me that I have not been abandoned and that my smiles are important for his well being, that the warmth of his love finally made me fight back with a whole new vengeance. I knew that even though I was broken, I was all that I had left and breaking down was not a luxury I enjoyed. Battered and bruised I got back to life, facing and triumphing challenges with every step.
November- While I survived the day to day things, I realized how much my life has changed and how certain things are for keeps. Like the love I feel for him, the bond we share or the pain that is throbbing and making me aware that I am alive. I went about getting back to life, rearranging it the way it comforts me the most. Most things were materialistic I know but it was the only thing that made me feel whole, the void continues though. It was a month when I also overcame some of the greatest challenges that life threw my way, on my own, and at the end of it I knew I had it in me to take this journey on my own.
December- The realization that 'I'm fine" is just a myth. How can I be fine when the one person who ever means anything to me is not around. I agree this is not one of the most optimistic of thoughts but then this is a phase to fight out the inner demons in my heart and to make peace with realities. It is that time of the year when I need to forgive myself the most, because the harshest of treatments I dished out was to myself. It is a month of self discovery. This year has been the most happy, sad, challenging, painful and fulfilling one of my life; but somewhere this year showed me just how strong I really am. Thus this year will go down as one of the most eventful one in the journey of my life.
When I took up this prompt I did not know the emotional roller coaster it will plunge me into. I was not prepared to revisit the events and memories I had long since buried and left to be forgotten in a dark little corner of my mind and heart. It took me 3 days to finish this post, but I am glad I took this up because by facing what troubled me the most, I have become stronger somehow.
Every year I do write "this year that was" well this year it is the same with just a little twist.
January- When I think back, a shudder runs down my spine. I cannot think of one happy moment. It was one of the most difficult phases of my life. I was in between jobs, my parents were worried about my future, there was this huge amount of pressure to give up this independent life and get home. Then there was personal life, even love was not comfort enough, it was beginning to crumble, i knew the end was near and it was a matter of time. I remember those long walks in the park, tears running down my face, silent prayers kept me going, i wanted things to just work out, that was all i needed. January was also a month of false hopes and almost sunrises but nothing materialized.
February- All i really wanted to do was curl up and die. I wanted to fast forward time, to escape. It was the darkest hour of my life, I was ready to give up. There was this one call from my Dad, then some more to finally get me going and yank out a suitcase, drop things randomly in it, scattered mind, raging emotions and every part of me was ready to give up on life. In the airport, one freak call from I and a new opportunity came in just when life felt so drab. Two weeks home and back to Delhi on a very cold morning, a couple of days of running around, random interviews for one opportunity that finally set the ball rolling. On Valentine's Day I was employed again. On personal front, I knew it was my first and last Valentine's Day that would mean anything. Hardly the kind for overtly romantic things, it was yet another a day with the one I loved the most. A regular day, great conversation, snuggled in the blanket, watching an iconic movie with the one person who means the world, some great wine and a yummy dinner, that is how beautiful my day was and I knew I was happy. That night when I went to sleep I promised myself that nothing would ever take away the essence of love and for whatever happened next, regrets would never ever cast a shadow.
March- Finally I decided to leave the dark past behind and walk ahead with head held high. I got back to work, new friends, new environment, newer challenges. Slowly but steadily I regained my confidence, took up challenges and sailed through some very tricky situations at work, I was learning, growing and I finally left behind the unsure, apprehensive and self doubting me and evolved into someone I used to be.
April- Winter had gone by and summer was here. Life too was taking newer turns. I finally let go of the vagabond me, who was living life as if to suddenly wake up from sleep one day, pack and move to a new city. I knew I would stick around. My state of mind got reflected in the way I dealt with life. I finally got out bought myself a fridge, the first sign that I was willing to give Delhi and life a chance. A trip to Mumbai finally restored the mental peace that was eluding me all this while.
May- While certain things in my life was falling into place, another part of my life was crumbling, the deadline was set and it was the beginning of the end.
June- Summers were here, with the sense of loss looming large over our heads, we knew this was all we could ever have. Love blossomed and happiness reigned in the fake comfort of Now.
July- While a part of me died every day, another part of me was angry at the injustice. There was an intense urge to lash out at the world impulsively to do something drastic. I was trying hard to reclaim an old life. I lived in the false belief that life is all about doing the right thing, I had forgotten how driven I was by emotions. While the heart belonged elsewhere I tried to follow my head.
August- It was a lull before the storm, the knowledge that time was running out was very prominent, no one acknowledged it. Life was a lot blissful on the surface but the storm was simmering within. I was rebellious, I was not willing to lie still and be left behind, I did things just to find the me I had left behind somewhere. The strong and independent individual in me surfaced and slowly I transformed my house into a home. While I was slowly learning not to need the One, I was making peace with the fact that the feelings I felt towards him was for keeps, it was one of the worst emotional roller coasters I have been through.
September- The most dreaded birthday month was here, as always, I knew it will be the worst I will go through and survive. I was hurt by a friend whom I had welcomed in a part of me where not many had an access to. If this was not bad enough, the end was just days away and I felt like I was living a life with a live bomb attached to me, it was as if I could hear the time tick by and nothing I did could make me relax or breathe, by the end of it I wanted the end to come because anticipating the end was like a slow death. On one hand I was making peace with the course my life was taking, I was preparing myself to let go gracefully without a fight. Days trickled by, the end was came and went as suddenly as it had began. I have no clue how I went through what I did. It felt as if I was living my worst nightmare, one that had no end.
October- I have lived this nightmare once before but it had not prepared me for the second onslaught of the same. This was it! I have no clue how I stayed alive, how I have went from day to day doing the daily things. All I can recollect is that I could not sleep for weeks on end. I felt like a dead person walking, nothing made sense. It was only when he reached out, loved me unconditionally, reassured me that I have not been abandoned and that my smiles are important for his well being, that the warmth of his love finally made me fight back with a whole new vengeance. I knew that even though I was broken, I was all that I had left and breaking down was not a luxury I enjoyed. Battered and bruised I got back to life, facing and triumphing challenges with every step.
November- While I survived the day to day things, I realized how much my life has changed and how certain things are for keeps. Like the love I feel for him, the bond we share or the pain that is throbbing and making me aware that I am alive. I went about getting back to life, rearranging it the way it comforts me the most. Most things were materialistic I know but it was the only thing that made me feel whole, the void continues though. It was a month when I also overcame some of the greatest challenges that life threw my way, on my own, and at the end of it I knew I had it in me to take this journey on my own.
December- The realization that 'I'm fine" is just a myth. How can I be fine when the one person who ever means anything to me is not around. I agree this is not one of the most optimistic of thoughts but then this is a phase to fight out the inner demons in my heart and to make peace with realities. It is that time of the year when I need to forgive myself the most, because the harshest of treatments I dished out was to myself. It is a month of self discovery. This year has been the most happy, sad, challenging, painful and fulfilling one of my life; but somewhere this year showed me just how strong I really am. Thus this year will go down as one of the most eventful one in the journey of my life.
When I took up this prompt I did not know the emotional roller coaster it will plunge me into. I was not prepared to revisit the events and memories I had long since buried and left to be forgotten in a dark little corner of my mind and heart. It took me 3 days to finish this post, but I am glad I took this up because by facing what troubled me the most, I have become stronger somehow.
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