100th post!

when i first began blogging i thought i had lost my flair..i used to blog in a different circuit that too was ages back and then rohit[my pal and college mate and also a blogger] asked me to comment on one of his posts...seeing his post i felt motivated to write again...and from then began my tryst with blogging....

my blog is my safe haven....my space..where i can be just me....my blog keeps an account of my journey of life where i write to commit to my memory the beautiful moments...so that someday i can look back and remember just how happy i have been....there are also not too happy incidents too...but then it is there for a reason too...when i look back i hope to see my mistakes...and i hope to learn something from it and then be a better friend more than which a better human being ....its also a culmination of my ideas....about life,people society in general....there are hordes of other stuff about friends,samik [my bf]hmm family....and it has been a revelation of its kind....

some people say blogging is just for voyeuristic pleasure ...but to me my blog is an extension of me.....and blogging is a therapeutic experience...by writing my thoughts i have purged myself maybe at times hurt,pain grief and sometimes of unwanted memories...somehow writing my experience have made me realize things i may not have come to know otherwise...so to me my blog is like my best pal...who just hears what i have to say,when i have to say.......and the comment tab..with all my blogging friends posting their views is like the therapist who advices you when you are lost,disillusioned and confused and more often making you see a different prospective to the same issue....

reading other posts on other blogs...have at times humbled me...made me think of issues which i may not have considered before....despite being spread out in various parts of the world we are all alike..same life and same problem...and more than which same expression:through blogs.....i have met some amazing friends in this journey to 100 posts...cindy,rajeev,steve,lisa,sharad,nefty and more recently jeya....these people whom i have hardly met...but reading about their lives....their experiences and the beautiful expression of ideas..though poems,stories,art,graffiti...seeing them i have found courage in putting up my poems[if i may call them so]..i have been insecure when i started but i am not now...i have found courage,strength in my soul....and a whole new confidence in this magical world of blogging.....i know two of my special friend,samik and ipsy is dying to try out blogging too...and this makes me feel worthwhile that seeing people blog they too has been inspired to write and pen down their thoughts.....

thank you everyone for taking time out to read my posts...to comment and make me feel your presence....its been an amazing 8 months of vigorous blogging and for those who are heaving a sigh of relief!i am not done yet...this tryst with blogging will continue...sometime more frequently and sometimes not...the journey of life lies long and it is long before i halt!!!

alot can happen over coffee

After a long long time yesterday all of us..yeah the whole gang went out together....it goes without saying it was whole lot fun! My god! it was seeming as if the whole of CCD had eyes only for us. Couples and elderly people all alike, we were the cynosure of every eye.....laughter rang every where....everyone was having a good time and digging in to some delicious food and drink....chocolate fantasy. tropical ice berg....sandwich...puff...chicken wrap...yummy....more than concentrating on the food. and savoring the taste...we laughed as if there was no tomorrow...this was one of the best times ever...so many of us huddled together....finally one plan to freak out worked.....


it seemed like all of a sudden the smiles were frozen in time...khyati enjoying her ice cream...shiladitya naughtily looking around...abhi casually stretched out..rohit sipping his coffee was taking all in....souro was up to tricks..and antoreep as usual on this horny act....ipsy and i kept chit chatting as ria looked on...khyati's digi cam came handy yet again...as scores of pics were taken...

all of a sudden I became nostalgic....I wanted to freeze the moment in time. The look of pure glee...the smiles...the naughtiness...the playful chiding...it really felt bad thinking that since we are officially second years now, two more years to graduate. And then we ll all go our own way..some will stay behind but others invariably move on.....we just dont have a choice.....ju has given me some great friends......and these are my possessions for a life time....times like this how i wish pictures were much more expressive...i wish they could capture the feeling. The feel of that moment...the thought process...

i wonder why people come and go from our lives....they share some exceptional moments ...in school we meet friends...some stick on for life others move on....school life changes into college. more great friends and more fun...but then this phase too doesn’t last....one just has to move on....we are compelled...however much we want to cling to it we have to let go...we shed tears feel the loss but in sometime it becomes a part of us. and then we realize that while we were not looking we have adjusted to this new phase in life...and that’s how life is...the only ever thing that is constant is change. no matter how bad or cruel it is...it just happens...i know i am feeling awful now that someday i wont be with my friends anymore like now....pictures will fade. pages will blur....e-mails will be scanty but the memories will remain...i'm sure they will....and the binds that are formed now will last...world thrives on faith...and i have faith in these wonderful times and beautiful people...maybe we all will meet someday...old and haggard...reminding each other the time of our youth...these wonderful moment s will be relived again....

friends forever...

the gloom has lift....
and i know i am not alone any more
cloud of misunderstanding
and distrust,has been cleared
and we are friends again.

my perfect world had been
eclipsed by a shadow of misgivings
but a simple touch and
a simple word,did it all

friends are opportunists
i used to think
not all are,i know now
exceptions are there

simplest of gestures
kindest of words
touched and melted my heart
and mellowed my pain.

i m not alone he said
showed me he cared
tears flowed out of love
and was soothed and dried tenderly

such tenderness and thoughtful
gestures coming from a guy...
full of fun and none of seriousness
though a surprise,touched me.

exceptions are truly the rule
not all are malicious they say,
but others are out there
to use and abandon you.

love makes you insecure,
and attachment vulnerable
but once the veil is lifted
its the same old friendship

this post is for two of my bestest pals in college...specially shiladitya who took the trouble of coming over..talking it out and making sure that i am fine...showing me for the first time ever that he cared...it meant much specially since i was going through a lot and this is my small way to show how touched i was and just how much it meant to me..thanks a ton shiladitya..for being there and for being the pal that you are..

oops i did it again!!!

yea i have done it again...and now i am back to where i was...yeah...hurt and bruised....after the fiasco last sem...where i was heartbroken because...truly my best pal then,betrayed and hurt me....i was devastated...and extremely heart broken....i had learnt a precious lesson...i had then decided that i wouldnt get attached to people who pretends to be your friend but isnt so actually....and this way i ll prevent myself from getting hurt...thus making up my mind..i made a new beginning this semester...

this sem i am back to where i began....in this materialistic world where people just use you to move ahead...where emotions hardly have any value...friendship and companionship is just another excuse to manipulate and use you....i being really poor at the art of deception and dissimulation gave my all to this new group of so called friends....gave away my personal note book of notes to friends..there was nothing called my personal notes..my internal answer scripts were xeroxed and distributed..i slogged hard to complied notes and others just used them...i dont mind helping my friends,giving away my last dime or my last morsel of food...but the least i expect is,them being nice to me..after whatever i have done....despite several problems i arranged study meets at my place...spared time for friends who needed me before the exams...attending to numerous calls...several suggestions..and explanations late into the night....and since the semesters are over now..i am of no use to them.....alas!i didnt learn any lesson even having undergone so much last semester..... i did what i told myself i never would...i got attached to these selfish people...and now i am hurt!

there is nothing really to brag here,for what i did,was for people i considered as friends and friends did that for friends and as for lamenting over this,i shall feel not sorry about all this...just this time,i know i am wrong...i did everything to deserve this...but this time i have sworn to metamorphose into a "better" person...a simple girl cant survive in this big bad world...the world just forces one to change to make us a part of it...no matter how bad this may seem but this is reality...the innocence,unpretentious and unassuming spirit is never appreciated...everything is done in order to make a person change...in the end the person is forced to succumb....maybe this is life....where people move about masqueraded as friends..on a lookout to use the next person who came along!beware people it truly is a big bad world

horrific experience..but its done and over with..

finally the honors papers are over and i can breathe a sigh of relief...my god!i cant imagine myself being such a wreck all day yesterday with the last four days of not studying...yesterday the pressure to finish my course was mounting every hour and every minute....and i was still in my own sweet world..lost and distracted...and with zero interest to study...huge argument with samik added fuel to the fire....and i was totaly devastated....but finally late last night that got resolved and i finally felt the kick....what with the syllabus being less...the options to answer questions too were restricted..god!i was in a mess.....i slept for just an hour...woke up at 3 in the night and sat to study..with my other pals online to keep my company at regular intervals!it was one hell of slogging....reading and re reading yet the pieces seemed not to make sense....somehow i kept going and managed to finish reading my course without remembering anything.....i knew i ll do horribly and i was resigned to my fate...what was worse was the rain found it appropriate time to pour!just when i had to concentrate on studies the whole atmosphere became very poetic...a sheer favorite of mine...torrents of rain and the smell of wet earth......

question papers were handed out in college i knew what was coming and i wasnt scared....my whole course was fused like anything...but then somehow i managed to write and i finally realized that i actually remembered something...1st answer took me 1 hour 10 min as to the 45 min i alloted to me...then i scanned through the paper and did another answer which i was sure of....my god!that too in 30 minutes with just 20 minutes to spare for the 3rd and last question that i was meant to answer...i have no idea what i wrote...whether i understood or not....it was a total disaster...but then the paper is done and over with i have nothing to worry till july...till results are out...now all i have to do is pass my ed and then i am free...yay!its time to finally have some fun!

i found out that a cousin of mine has just had a baby girl and even though we have been wronged by them..i am still feeling elated by the news....job hunting for the summer is on with no success yet!loads of plans are being made hope at least a few works out....and yea after yesterday i have learnt a lesson....i am not ...not even in a million years...no matter what...be lackadaisical regarding my studies and leave it for the last moment...i am usually not that way but then mood swings sets in..but not anymore from now..i swear!

a new dawn!

Pulling the lapels of my jacket close
I make my way through the streets
As tears courses down my face
My heart wrenches and cries out
It over at last!
The pain will go away I
Consoled myself
Three years is a long time
So many memories…
So many dawns and sunsets!
Then one day the end came.
It had to I reasoned
It wasn’t worth the pain
He didn’t love me as much as I did
What now?
How do I survive?
I let the rain wash away my tears
I let it purge my soul and
Drown my fears
Yes there will be a tomorrow
And the phoenix will rise again!

Happy Birthday Cindy!

Cindy has been my blogger friend...companion and guide for quite sometime now...we connected over blog space and we are friends ever since...i really thank god for the fact that he made Cindy find me by chance,even god has his way of uniting people..and i am grateful to have such a wonderful human being as my friend...calm,wise and extremely uncomplicated thats Cindy for you..a friend who is always there to calm you down and listen to you..someone who doesn't hesitate to love because there may be no tomorrow...a genuine giver...Cindy is all that and much more and my best friend both in blog world and in reality....despite coming from different cultural backgrounds..and the difference in age we have connected like no other...and now i can proudly call her my alter ego...and now that this wonderful soul turns a year older there is wishing you loads of happiness...may all your dreams and desires come true...and may success prosperity happiness and all the joys of the world belong to you...
with lots of love and kisses coming your way...here is wishing you...

A very happy birthday Cindy!!mwuah

chilling out...

finally two out of three honors papers are over..and thankfully they werent that disastrous as i had thought they would be...now the only hope is,that the teachers are a bit more benevolent and grant us more marks so that we get a 60% comfortably...thankfully one more to go and then the whole summer all to myself..and soon it will be time for the new 1st years to come and we ll then be the seniors....yay!

yesterday was one of the most toughest papers this semester..so after the exams went well...some 10-15 of us..stretched out on the feild and just lazed after a hectic few days of vigorous studying...it was actually fun just lazing around and making poor rohit search frantically for his cellphone or even playing truth and dare..where people were made to do weirdest of things...it was hilarious...it has us in splits..but the main entertainer was antareep.....what with him being in a good mood...he virtually raped another friend of ours...should have seen a very petrified abhi being ridden by this friend...the helpless squeals and the peals of laughter from us...the look of absolute glee on antoreep and the shocked and embarrassed look on abhi was worth million bucks!it took us quite sometime to get back to normal and what with a rohan,the class sneak finally under our thumb..making do an awkward strip tease which may have entertained us on different purpose wouldnt interest anyone else...sweet was the revenge!..thankfully i didnt fall prey to this weird dare game or i would not have just as much fun as now while relating the incidents... what a great way to unwind after tremendous study pressure...

To Dada,With Love....

the one thing that i had longed for,all my life was that of a brother....how i would envy my friends and my mother[she has 3 brothers]..those days when i was almost moved to tears because i had no one to fast for on bhai phota..or tie a rakhi on...how my heart wrenched just seeing my cousin,knowing of his existence aware of him being around and yet not having anything to do with him;for our families were having a feud and i was denied my brother....then again fate took pity on me...she made things go back to what it was before....and i was the happiest girl alive,i had my brother.....the whole experience of finally having my brother made me feel scared...scared that i may loose him...there was this ethereal feel to it..as if i half expected this dream to end abruptly only leaving more heartbroken than before...months turned in a year...and finally i believed that my brother and me will never be separated on mere family feuds...we had forged a bond beyond anything that our families could cut off....but fate must have smiled cruelly at my delirious happiness..for my bliss was not to last for this lifetime....another issue drove a wench between our families...and here i am at crossroads.....oneside is my family and the other my beloved brother...i cannot choose between the two..and i am not compelled to....i would have been blissfully happy thinking that my bond with my bro was an undying one but i was wrong...who am i fighting for?its like fighting a losing battle....i don't know if this is just an illusion or not....if my brother is reluctant to keep up his side of this relationship i wouldn't know what to do....i don't know if i would be able to survive this loss.....

there have been countless moments of fun and laughter...and not once did we speak of our feeling for each other..we never expression or talked about what we want to do if a situation like this arose....and now when this seems like a dead end,there is nothing left to do....just only a hope that despite the issues our relationship remains intact....and if even if that is a tough task then at least to keep alive the memories of our happy times and to hear the unspoken words that express just how much i love him and just how invaluable he is to me....to me he will always be the coolest bro,my best friend and my confidant and guide....a person who is just indispensable to me,a person i cant live without but i would if that kept him happy...those days when he patiently heard me rambling my problems,giving me advice...pulling my leg...trying to anger me...all those times when i hid the fact that he was smoking or him letting me take a puff on the eve of my 19th birthday,just to show he knows that i have grown up...those conversations on the stairs...and puchka treats and those long walks....will always remain precious to me...and it is the memory that i steal...i may not have my brother around...but i ll have his memories to last me a lifetime...this last year with him was the best ever....

in life if ever you feel you need me you ll have this sister to fall back upon...make no mistake of that..i ll never scorn you...you are and you ll always be my coolest,sweetest and dumbest brother ever...love you loads dada,i ll always miss you.

Lessons of life

In this journey of life,the process of learning never ceases...with smallest of incidents and largest of issues..it is didactic in nature...people come and people go but they too have a lesson to teach,and just when you think..you have finally learn't all and there isn't much you have to yet learn,you find out that this process of learning in never ending...till you are alive,every new dawn and every dusk will teach you the secret lessons of life....one who is perceptive and intelligent is the one who will readily accepts this knowledge and the ignorant..well they let knowledge pass not knowing just what it is that they have lost....

In my 19 years of life i have always learn't the lesson hard way...i have been hurt and heart broken,betrayed my friends and taken advantage by my peers..no matter how tattered and bruised i have always picked up myself,and then made the onward journey,hence,the blog title-"phoenix rising from the ashes"...just when i thought that i have seen it all..nothing worse can happen,it happened;only to show that learning is never really over.I found out that learning never ceases..life has a lesson to teach every time...and this cyclic process of learning will never end..so no matter how much i try to see the exceptions in bad,to smell fragrance in artificial flowers...or see the lining on every cloud...the fact remains the same....no-one is your mirror image..they are different....it is difficult to find people who are true to you just like obtaining oil by rubbing sand together...often people befriend you to take advantage of you..others who shelter you during your crisis may seem like savior and friends initially turns out to be even bigger opportunist who first rescues you from hell only to push you back into it later....i wonder how many smiling faces and sweet words are a part of a well rehearsed facade....just when i thought that last semester ended by teaching me an invaluable lesson in friendship...i was proved wrong...there was more to come...i guess this is life...it points you in your eye that your emotions and trust is something best kept to yourself...only let out it is bound to land you in a tight spot...

as always last 4 months have taught me to be even more mature and to add another page to my journey of life and yet another lesson to learn about humanity and people whom we call friends....and this journey is not over yet...and i know as i mature these pages will increase and maybe someday..i may as well learn something from it and not do things that i keep promising myself i ll never let myself into...maybe some day i ll learn to art of dissimulation...and hopefully then i ll be a part of this world where everyone plays a part...and its all about masquerade...and it is indeed the survival of the fittest...