Home is where the heart is

Jo bhi main

Kehna chahoon
Barbad kare..
Alfaz mere
Alfaz mere.........

Kabhi mujhe
Lage ki jaise
Sara hi yeh
jahan hai jaadu
Jo hai bhi aur
Nahi bhi hai yeh
Fiza, Ghata, Hawa, Baharein
Mujhe..
Kare..
Ishare yeh..
Kaise..
Kahoon
Kahani main innki......

Do you know that there maybe times when you long for something with every fibre of your existence and when you actually have it you may feel a sense of loss? The feeling is not unknown to me. funny thing this heart is... why does it keep longing for things, places and people?

I have been longing for my second home a lot in the past few months, can you guess the place? Bangalore it is... the place is absolutely mystical and i have had too intense an affair with her to never really get over her... love her, hate her but you surely can never get over her. As a student when I was there I would long for home that it kind of overshadowed every possible emotion I may have had for this beautiful city. As my flight took off for home, for what I thought was for good, I knew I was never going to return to it EVER!! Fate always smiles at my silly absurd ways!! For I was back within months.

The next time my flight took off from Bangalore, the thoughts that were rampant was that I will be back, tears were hardly contained, as they fell thick and fast. Over the past few months, i have always let my mind wander, I can almost see myself sitting in the CCD at Cunningham Road, feeling the cold winter wind on my face sipping coffee with Ranjini. I can almost feel that hot gravel beneath my feet as I walked barefoot to ISCKON temple. I can smell the rich smell of coffee as I used to place my order saying "Anna ondu coffee". I remember haggling with the autowallahs "Anna Brigade road Bartira?!" i remember the silent tears, emotions creating a havoc as the heart longed for the One. Now with the longed one around, the realization of impermanence makes me long for the place i call home.

Home is not Kolkata anymore. The room is still mine, I still wake up to my dad's call for "kachouri for breakfast" when I am home. I still sleep on the veranga railing after waking up in the morning. I still sit slouched on the bed frantically flipping channels trying to play memory game with myself trying to remember all the channels. Mom feeds me, dad fusses around, Roshni (my niece) hangs around me as if I will dissapear if she blinks, sister laments on my inactive life, same boring calls to relatives. Yes its home but for holidays.

So what is home? Is it a city?  a house? a place which has your loved ones? The concept of home has been plaguing me like a nightmare that I cannot forget. More than what I am doing with life, where is home is the thought that plagues me. Its not about how many friends you have around, its not about family members you have around, its not about the appliances you have, or the fancy house you have. Its a place you call home, its a shelter, its where you are you, with kohl smudged eyes, chapped lips, stained tee or frayed shorts or face full of black heads. Home is where every chore seems wonderful, every dime saved goes into buying a thing or two, home is where the heart is at peace, the mind is at ease and where fears of tomorrow is laid rest; heartbreaks are acknowledged, demons are fought and won over, in times of strife and failure the phonix rises from its ashes. Home is where the heart is.

Finding Happiness

Okay so i have been down in the dumps and it hasnt been pleasant so far. I havent broken down yet and i am functioning like a zombie of late. I take forever to do the cooking and cleaning bit...i have been called lazy and good for nothing and i fear i may turn into one really someday if i keep going like this. I donot take care of me anymore and sometimes i try and wish my problems away, i sway dangerously close to making new mistakes, i forget to shampoo and take care, i wake up in the middle of the night and find myself talking to the imaginary me justifying everything that i am doing, praying secretly that life sorts itself out.

But amidst the mess i have found something beautiful. The world of blogs that somehow had lost out into my scheme of things. A place that made me feel loved, alive and truly great was shrouded but i have managed to wrestle it out of oblivion. For the first time I found myself feeling grateful and happy in someone else's happiness and I was surprised how the happiness spread, yes longing and a few 'if only's ruled' but then the gratifying feeling was beyond anything. Through the writings you connect, you find commonality, you bridge distances and you know someone new and thus the healing begins.
A big thank you to Ria for her beautiful day to day posts which reinstates hope, faith and primarily love in my life, thank you for lighting up my life! Sulagna im addicted to you, I cant stop myself from reading about you, your family and your lil princess, you have brought alive a part of me I had buried deep within me. thank you!!

I think the first step to healing is acknowledging that you have a problem and then to forgive yourself. I have made choices, some were well made and some just backfired. If you only give life a chance... it rescues you right back... like said by Rudyard Kipling

"If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";"


Life movies on and so should we...

Keeping Faith

t

So what do you do when you wake up one day and everything that you gave your life to came down crashing to nothingness? It has happened to me twice over but i am still at a loss!! Technically I should be equipped to salvage this situation, but I am not.. I wonder what is it that I should do now? Do I behave like an escapist? Do I sit back and try to find a way out of this mess? Well life is full of options and every option you take will have its pros and cons. So what do you do? You take a chance and hope its the right one. Sometimes you regret taking the chance, you know you dint choose right but you know you tried and sometimes thats all that matters!

As I sit trying to figure out what next I know i am lost... life seems to be going its own way, spinning way out of control. Struggling to stay afloat seems to be a daunting task but trudge along we must because sometimes its the only way we have got left. So what do you really do? You just keep the faith, keep praying for strength to take it all in your stride and keep walking in the hope that the mist will clear and life will present itself in a whole new light once again... So keep breathing.. keep walking... there will be a tomorrow.. there has to be. Keep the faith alive its the only way forward.

The last encounter

He sat at the dinner table surrounded by three of his closest friends and their family at an upmarket restaurant. It was a family dinner, arranged after a lot of cancellation and planning. Life had truly moved at a break neck pace. He felt as if he was leading life as if in a haze. There he was with friends whom he had met at college and now they were not just successful professionals but also family men with wife and kids. As he looked around he felt accomplished as he was surrounded by people who meant most to him, his wife, his 8 year old daughter and a set of friends and their family who were much closer to him than his family ever was, but there was a sense of unrest an incompleteness that he was never really able to fathom...

His mind wandered, and he reflected upon how his life had shaped in the last years. His friends would say that after a period of madness he has finally found his moorings and his life was finally on track... but was it really? Every day he came home to his beautiful daughter who was a source of joy and a very driven wife who was efficient, responsible and everything that one would wish for in a wife, she was a good mother, a dutiful daughter and a great homemaker. Then why was it that he yearned for her, he kept thinking about her, longing for her even after so many years.

Where would she be now? Has she married? Does she have children? Does she still smile in her sleep? Does she wake up only to snuggle deeper into the sheets? Does she ever wonder what happened to him? This trail of thought disturbed him. After so many years he had no business thinking about her. After all he had done the right thing, moved away before it rocked his settled life and she had agreed to the entire arrangement as well. Even though the mind is at ease the heart never was, it kept yearning for what was and what never will be.

A roar of laughter brought him back to the dinner table and he looked around smiling and it was then he noticed the most adorable girl he has ever seen walk up to the table next to theirs. She must be all of three, dressed in a red frock, hair falling till her shoulders fixed with clips and matching bunny shoes to complete the look, she was a pretty kid and for some reason he could never move his eyes from her. The kid was making fish faces at a person who was probably her mother on being denied her favorite toy, as his gaze left the kid and settled on the mother who had her back towards him something tugged at him, a familiar feeling coursed through him yet he couldn't really place it. Just then the lady turned to the daughter swinging her into her arms and turning around.

For a few moments time stood still. He was glad others at his table were too engrossed to notice his expression. He couldn’t believe it was her standing right in front of her even after so many years. His eyes drank in her sight. He loved the way she wore her hair long as it fell to her waist in soft natural curls. The beautiful white and red salwar kameez moulded her body as small diamond studs glittered in her ears, which got reflected in his nose pin. Her left wrist wore a simple elegant watch and the right wore two thin intricate bangles and her shapely fingers wore two rings one on each hand. Her eyes wore the familiar heavily kohled look and a touch of colour brightened her full lips.

She had maintained her no makeup look even after so many years which made her look elegant and breathtakingly beautiful and for a moment he was lost in her sight. It was the little girl’s giggle that brought him back to reality and he felt a rush of anger boiling in him. So she had gone ahead and married and had a family and had forgotten all about him with ease. He felt angry and stupid about himself for thinking about her till he felt possessed. For a moment he felt like walking up to her and slapping her but then he looked away.

Feeling a stare she looked up to see him and her face turned while and she hugged her daughter closer to her for comfort. It wasn’t just him who had noticed her, Arti had too, and she turned to her husband and whispered.

“Isn’t she Noyona, Neel?”

“Huh? Who? Aah... yes Noyona...” he tried to say smoothly hoping that she and others at the table wouldn’t notice the discomfort. Before he could figure what should be done next Arti pushed back her chair and walked up to Noyona. For a moment he felt uncomfortable, he felt a little guilty, Arti never really knew what he had shared with Noyona, but she had been really insecure and rather bitter about her which had led to a lot of spats until he stopped mentioning her at all. It had been four years since it was over between him and Noyona, but she lingered around in his marriage for no fault of her own. Arti could sense that Noyona was someone very important to Neel but could never accept it nor was she able to keep her off from her husband and the knowledge made her angry and inadequate.

“Hi Noyona?!”

Noyona turned to Arti in surprise.

“Arti? Hi!”

“Funny how we never met but we know each other”

“Really...so how have you been? You guys are now settled in Delhi?”

“Yes we have been for the last two years... didn’t you know?”

“I’m really sorry I guess I have been out of touch for a long time...”

“So are you based out of Delhi too now?”

“No I am still in Bangalore. Nandini my niece stays here and we had come to visit her and her fiancé.”

He had been listening on to the conversation for some time and felt it was time to chip in as the air

was turned on to be very uncomfortable.

“Hi Noyona...How have you been?” He asked trying to keep all emotion out of his voice.”

“I have been good and you?”

“I have been good too, funny how we seem to bump into each other all the time.”

A strange looked passed Noyona and he knew she remembered how they had first met. They had literally collided with each other on the office staircase. Arti fidgeted and he moved on to say something.

“So what brings you to Delhi? Planning to move here?” Arti gave a panicked look.

“No actually my niece has finally met someone and we have come to meet him.”

“Is this your daughter?”

“Err... yes her name is Ankhi.”

This time it was Neel who visibly recoiled. He remembered how she had once passionately said that she would name her son and daughter Ayon and Ankhi, as it meant eyes and she had always loved eyes as they she believed were the windows to the soul. And after so many years she had married and had kids and she had named her daughter Ankhi, her daughter but not fathered by him. Pain made it hard for him to breathe.

“Aah so you married? Where is your husband?” Arti chipped in.

Before she could reply they were joined by Nandini her niece and Arnab whom he recalled was her best friend from college. So finally Arnab got to marry Noyona, a girl who was his best friend and also someone he had had a massive crush on which he could never recover from. They had even met once. He reached out to greet him.

“Hi Arnab been a long time...”

“Yeah it has been... how have you been Neel?”

“Been pretty good, now settled in Delhi itself. Hey hi Nandini...we have never really met but we have spoken, I don’t know if you remember me?”

“Hey hi Neel I do remember you, it’s hard not to... it’s been a really long time na? By the way have you met Ayon the little monster?”

“O my!! Are Ayon and Ankhi twins?” Arti exclaimed.

“Yes they are... but that’s where all the similarities end. They are diametrically opposite but love each other nonetheless” Nandi exclaimed.

“Hey I think you should get back to your dinner, your friends are waiting!” Noyona said.

“I think we should, but you do keep in touch, it was really nice meeting you.”

“Thanks Arti it was the same for us, bye Neel.” With that Noyona turned away, trying to settle her kids. Ayon choose to sit with his Masi on her left as Noyona took to her right with Ankhi beside her and Arnab taking his place right across the table.

After the order was placed, it was finally Nandini who finally spoke out.

“Are you okay Noyon? Look if you want we can do somewhere else. I know this must be hard.... i

dint know he was in town or i would never have brought you here...”

“Relax its fine. I didn’t expect him to be here too but then given the history of running into each other I should have known I’d bump into him. Dont mind me, when is Rannvijay joining us?”

“He will be along any minute now.”

As he sipped his drink he felt drawn to her. She seemed happy; finally she had found her anchor in Arnab and decided to give life a chance. While at one level he was happy for her at another level anger and jealousy ripped him apart. He couldn’t believe she had lied to him. All those tall talks about not being able to envision sharing life with anyone else but him and deciding to be all alone throughout life because she loved him and couldn’t not love someone the same way, all was a lie! A small voice in his head told him what he was thinking was all wrong. He had chosen to end this unexpected relationship and decided to go back to his wife and kid and had given up on her, it was his choice not hers. But she knew from the beginning that there was no future yet she let herself be in this relationship, he reasoned. So does that mean even after he let go of her she was supposed to die mourning for him? He figured he was being unreasonable but the thought that some other man was in her life was disturbing enough let alone the fact that he had fathered her kids and was

a permanent part of her life. He died several deaths just thinking about how another man touched her, made love to her.

He imagined her waking up only to nuzzle her face against his chest, her smile brightening her face even before she fully opened her eyes. He remembered her painstakingly scrubbing his feet and throwing soap suds all over him because he wasn’t cooperating. He remembered her draping her saree and him watching her every move, the way it caressed and moulded her body. She had not made it to the puja pandal in time; he had ensured that his hands traced the contours of her body, kissed each and every curve of her body. It had been hours before she went out, the marks was there for all to see who cared enough to take a second look but she had not complained. That was the beauty of her, even in the dead of the night when she would lay deep in sleep and he would trace his fingers along her bare back, caressing her nape and kissing her ears, she would just languidly turn and submit herself in his arms.

But it wasn’t for the sheer beauty of her body that made him long for her, but the childlike quality in her. When she would decide to make dinner or lunch, food would be scattered all over the place, she would be clumsy and sloppy which led to innumerable fights. She would end up pissed giving him the cold shoulder and he would criticize her some more, until later things would be resolved in a moment of uncontrollable passion. He wanted to take care of her and hold her and take away all her pain but he knew he was not meant to be around forever, he had a home and family to go to and strangely she never seemed to challenge that. Maybe that’s why he loved her so much.

Now as he looked across the room he saw a mature lady who was sure about herself, the childlike innocence had been replaced by wisdom, her eyes were veiled but almost sad and the smile even though permanently adorning her lips was not natural. So much had changed, they had gone their separate ways just as they had known they would but then why even after so many years does heart still long for her? He wondered for the millionth time, what if he had decided to shirk his responsibilities and chosen her over them? How would life have been then?

His daughter laced her arm with his and he came out of his reverie only to meet Shekhar’s eyes. A friend of many years he knew exactly what transpired much more than anyone could ever imagine. He nodded to him and smiled signaling that things were in control. Seeing the happy faces around him he couldn’t help but feel disconnected. This was the first time in so many years Arti made an attempt to participate in any kind of conversation or be in a good mood in such gatherings yet the knowledge didn’t please him, he knew something was not right, was it her? Why did it bother him that she had chosen to settle down in life? He looked across to the kids perched on their high chair

feeding ice cream to one another. With ice cream smeared all over the face and a messy bib, they looked quite adorable, almost a reflection of their mother. And the familiar tug was back, they could be his if only... Arnab had linked his hands to hers under the table and his eyes rarely left hers. He knew at that very moment that he had truly lost her when he had chosen his family over her few years back and what they had had surely succumbed to the tests of time.

The cheque arrived and after paying he made his way out with his family and others. Before the restaurant door clicked shut he looked back, she sat there smiling hugging her kids close to her, her hair falling on her face masking her expression.

“Dad...... come on...”

“Coming coming....”

After Arnab and Noyona saw Nandini and her fiancé off, he settled the kids on the front seat of the car, securing them with the seat belt. He arranged their bags neatly on the backseat and kissed them goodnight.

“You okay?” Arnab said as he pulled her close for a tight hug.

“Been better before but will survive this.”

“Come on now smile.. Okay enough of brooding let’s get going. It’s getting late.”

“Drive safe Arnab. Goodnight.”

“You too Noyona. Goodnight.”

As Arnab saw the car turn into the driveway and disappear, his phone started ringing.

“Hi baby, how are you doing? You want me to pick something up on the way? Some ice cream? No cravings tonight? Are you sure? I’m not going out again once I’m home... uhuh!! Okay... yea the dinner went off well... Nandini’s fiancé is rather nice... yes IIT Delhi... good chap.. kids were great... yes we missed you.. Nandini understood that in your condition coming out would have been tough... yeah they can’t wait for the baby to arrive... you won’t believe who we met today... no no it was Neel... Noyona was stunned at first but then she seemed collected... did she tell him? No she didn’t. They kind of assumed that I was with her and no we didn’t not tell them otherwise. No she seemed perfectly okay with it... Anyway let’s discuss this once i get home? Okay see you in sometime then.”

He hung up and reflected on the events of the night and sighed. He felt sorry for Noyona for all that she had been through all alone for the last four years but more than that he was proud that she never for once faltered or complained. She accepted whatever life brought her way smilingly and braved all hardship. If only Neel knew... would he have done things otherwise? He didn’t think so. He started the engine and drove away.

~*~

Anything Else But Love- Ankita Chadha- Review

In the publishing industry a lot of things happen, including the fact that a good editor writes your back cover for you and paints a rosy picture which ultimately sells your book to a reader. Here lies the problem, like many readers I read the blurb about the book and found it to be a good read so ordered it. After 304 pages of utter torture i finally managed to end it. The book seems to mock everything filmy and ends up being an over the top, theatrical drama in print. Usually a good story keeps me hooked but this surely was a torture as i could barely manage to end it. The editing is very sloppy and the English is horrendous "She THROWED the teddies" "I wanted to Say to you" it seemed to have been written keep in mind the market where often film makers adopt books into movies and this was no better!! Characters are half baked and is made to do things just for prolonging a sense of excitement which had long since gone and the male characters and situations seem like an extension of a female persona. Moreover the places mentioned remain as lousy backdrop or a mere prop which shows the lack of research.

End verdict

You may have a story to tell but may not be a good story teller
You may know English but you may not be a good writer!!

A total waste of money not worth 175 bucks... the publication should pull up their socks because in chick lit genre they have to maintain the high standards set by Penguin and Rupa Publications... so attention to language usage, grammatical errors and errors in phrases and expression can be a reputation killer.

A Pocketful of sunshine

Okay I think i am being perennially depressed and i think negativity just breeds negativity. So I want to write about something nice, something funny and something happy. Yesterday was friendship day and i wondered about all the friends in my life. I personally consider all my friends (i can count them on my fingers) as close friends or best friends but then another friend of mine told me something which got me thinking. He said you donot have best friends you have A Best Friend. Another close friend told me, that I should probably be careful about whom I call best friends because most are not worthy to be called a best friend.

This got me thinking and for the first time it got me wondering if most of the close set of friends that I have are worthy to be called best friends, because truly there can be one best friend. So i will tell you who the one person who is my best friend and why because i think every one needs a little reminding and its wonderful to count your many blessing. I met him on my first day at college, we were in a crowd but somehow we got talking. We were seated with the rest in the canteen but we were existing in a whole new world that just had him and me. Within one hour I had told him everything about myself from my family to the long time boy friend and lots of odd stuff but yea about the long time boy friend bit kinda blew his chances or so he said. Its been 5 years now.. and this Guy who is my Best Friend truly has been with me through thick and thin. From gently but firmly scolding me, from flirting with me to copying notes for me, from teaching me before exams to constantly pulling me out of despair. Shubhankar has been a boulder. I go to him whining crying, telling him things i will never ever tell anyone. He never pulls me down like most others who in the garb of being friends who tell the truth, just scars my soul and just up the pain. So this friendship day and every one that will come up next will be solely for Shubhankar who put me before him time and again and is a pillar for strength, my conscience and the sole reason why this journey of life is so much better. Yes there are others but I guess I have learnt the difference between friends and acquaintance, and friends and best friend. Sometimes you just need that 4 am friend to go bonkers with, be crazy but most importantly to be yourself! Thanks Shu for being my oxygen life without you would have been so colorless!! :)

Since I have nothing more happy to write I thought why not do a TAG of sorts!! :)

A
Available: Hmm... kinda
Age: will be 24 in 28 days time :)
Annoyance: Not knowing where I am headed.

B
Beer: Naaah not my time.. i hate the smell!!
Birthday/Birthplace: 6th September, Kolkata
Best feeling in the world: to cuddle up and sleep
Best weather: waking up to pitter patter rain on my window, tons of water logging and lightning and thunder claps
Been on stage? Yes, was very intimidating to say the lease
Believe in life on other planets? Yes, we were taught in school werent we of the nine planets. 

C
Candy:cNaah i hate candies
Colour: Blue.
Chocolate/Vanilla: Brownies, with Vanilla icecream and Chocolate sauce. 
Country to visit: France. 

D
Day or night: night or the during day break
Dance in the rain? no more like a walk in the rains
Do the splits? nope

E
Eggs: Me loves eggs... specially omelet and there is this chain of restaurant Au Bon Pain in Blore, love their fried egg and presto sauce sandwich... totally sinful!
Everyone has: been a loser sometime or the other. Some still are. Most always will be. 

F
First crush: This guy who was my neighbor later became my nightmare!!
First thoughts waking up: O crap have to go to office again!! :(
Food:Im not a foodie but then Chinese is my all time favorite so is Coffee and ice cream!

G
Greatest Fear: to not able to identify with myself. 
Giver or taker: Giver
Goals:to find my moorings
Get along with your parents? Yes,I do

H
Hair Colour: Brown.
Height: Five feet, two and a half
Happy: Sometimes
How do you want to die? In my sleep
Health freak? Nope
Hate: Overbearing and patronizing people

I
Ice Cream: Chocolate brownie sundae and belgian dark chocolate ice cream.
Instrument: MP3 Player.

J
Jewellery: silver jewelry
Job: yes but want a new one!

K
Kids: love them, want two of my own
Kickboxing or karate: naa more of free style :D
Keep a journal? Yes. totally

L

Love: is too overrated, most dont know what it is, most think they dont, others just abuse love and use it as an excuse

Love at first sight: is too hard to believe

Laughed so hard you cried: Yes

M
Mooned anyone? No. 
Marriage: A major responsibility.
Motion sickness? No

N
Number of siblings: One.
Number of piercings: Two in each ear. 

O
One wish:To set the wrong right

P
Place you’d like to live: anywhere near the sea and the sand
Perfect pizza: single cheese margharita or corn and chicken
Pepsi/Coke: none

Q
Questionnaires: could be fun

R
Reason to cry: too many, but basically missing someone
Reality TV: gives me headaches
Roll your tongue in a circle: huh?

S
Song: Jay Z and Linkin Park, Numb encore (my current fav)
Shoe size: Six
Slept outside? No
Seen a dead body? Yes. 
Smoked? Yes and then spluttered
Skinny-dipped? nope
Shower daily? Yes. twice or thrice
Sing well? Nope, strictly bathroom singing
In the shower? when i'm in a good mood. 
Swear? Yes. 
Stuffed animals? Sometimes. 
Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberry jam
Scientists need to invent: Memory potions like Snapes tears

T
Time for bed: Whenever the eyes feel droopy and body just curls up to the pillow. 
Thunderstorms: beautiful
TV: Boring. 
Touch your tongue to your nose: naah cant

U
Unpredictable: Sometimes

V
Vegetable you hate: cabbage
Vegetable you love: Potato, ladys finger
Vacation spot: anywhere near the beach

W
Weakness: loving without thinking about myself
When you grow up: hey im 24 (almost) that makes me a grown up
Worst feeling: not being good enough
Wanted to be a model? no
Where do we go when we die? neverland?
Worst weather: humidity

X
X-Rays: havent gotten one done yet

Y
Year it is now: 2011
Yellow: i like the color

Z
Zoo animal: Giraffe
Zodiac sign: Virgo.

Okay if you are bored you can do this tag too!! :)

Ashamed

I sit sipping my cuppa at office. Another new day but the mess remains the same. I dont want to feel angry at life, i dont want to feel bad because things happened the way they did. Yes things are messed up. Beyond anything I know. I have been wronged and in turn I have wronged too. Today when I see someone, someone whom I used to hold dear go through the same things as I did, my heart lurches I know how painful the feeling is. Nothing one can say can ever make you feel better. And the shittiest realization of all is I who has suffered a similar thing has inflicted the same hurt and pain on other. Is there any forgiveness for it? No there shouldn't be. I dont deserve it as well.

Its sad how i pined, agonized, ran behind quicksand not bothering to hear painful wails, silent mourning of the one who willingly gave me up to the fate I choose. And today when all there remains is a heap of broken dreams, anguished memories and a Ghost of me whom I cant recognize, repentance comes easy to me. There can be no mercy, no respite. I accept it, I accept my fate. I let go because that is the best for you. You are far too good to deserve me.

I wanted to tell you how sorry i am for everything. For bringing you so much pain that I will understand you if you dont want to love again. Im sorry for ignoring the love I saw in your eyes. I went the way I wanted. I did what my heart desired not caring about you. I wish I could make it all right but I think it is a bit too late. And I want you to have the best in life and not me, because I know i dont deserve you. I have been afraid. Afraid of loving you, of you thinking I am not good enough. I was afraid of our life falling apart again. I was afraid of your rejection. Now that you are gone, the memories haunt me, the desire to be yours rips me apart. But I know this is how it is meant to be, I wont say this to you and let you down again.

Just know that I am sorry and I am ashamed of what I did. I wish I could take away your pain and make you feel whole again, I wish....

Wish things were different....

Wish I could send you my tears
Wish I tell you my fears

Wish I could let you know how I feel
Wish I could have you near

Dont know if you want to believe
Or if you care anymore?

But know that i miss you
I miss us
Miss what we used to be

Miss seeing you smile
Miss your hands laced in mine

The evenings spent laughing
Your hugs filling me with warmth

The wind on our face
Our smiles reflecting in our eyes

Where are you?
Will you not be around anymore?
Is it so hard for you to keep in touch?
Or you dont need me anymore?

I guess I wouldnt know..
I wont beg, I wont plead
Maybe this is how it is meant to be.

Now that you're gone...

Everyone said it, I refused to believe
But now i realized
Its true, I miss you

There is a longing in my heart
Memories tug painfully
My hand reaches out to you, I know I miss you

A lot of time has gone by
And i know i have wronged you
I realize now, how much i miss you

Is it love? I dont really know
I ask myself but i havent got a clue,
but i guess its true, I miss you

A million wrongs, the guilt of breaking your heart
The longing to hear your voice
Makes me miss you more, and tears me apart

Is it you? Are you there somewhere?
Or gone forever? Whatever next...
I hope you know how much i miss you.

Missing You

I turn in for the night

the shadows flikr on the walls

I long for your arms to hold me close

Your breath on my nape..

I snuggle up to you pillow

The whiff of your perfume intoxicates me

Memories makes the heart lurch in pain

The empty bed and vacant pillow reminds me of you again!

                                                                The day refuse to pass

Seconds feel like hours

Nothing feels the same any more,

Just the longing intensifies and makes me yours again

Just a glimpse of your smile

Your lashes kissing your cheeks

Eyes glittering with love

Makes me trip and fall in love all over again!

It is all wrong,

then why does it feel right?

Its transient, it was destined to be so

but why does it seem that it will last forever!

Questions remain
Answers illude us
Then why does love bind us closer still?
Love, has kept us together
With every new day, i love you all over again!