Half a Life! 3

Feeding kids while they are engrossed in watching cartoon on tv can be a daunting task. Specially if it was a Friday and you have had a long week at work and all you wanted to do was to crash in bed, after a nice shower, pulling up the sheets and reading a book until sleep took over! She didn’t really mind because even these little things gave her immense pleasure. It kept her mind off a lot of things; it became a reason for the joys in her life. As she was clearing the table the bell rang, wondering who it could be at this hour she gingerly washed her hands to get to the door.

As he rang the doorbell, he knew he would cave in any time. The past ten days had been harrowing to say the least, with countless meetings, travelling to and fro, her thoughts plaguing his mind. He felt angry, possessive, calm, distressed and totally devastated in regular succession thinking about her. How could she just calmly walk out of his life and then begin afresh. Anger and jealously tore at him and he wanted answers. Later, much later did he allow himself to think of her, of her happiness and her wishes. She carved her life just the way she wanted and she was happy and a part of him was at peace, felt a lot less guilty. But nothing could stop the thoughts that questioned him, how she could unfeelingly begin life afresh, didn’t she ever think of him while doing so? Was he ever important to her? Was she then lying when she said he was the one and she could never be with anyone else? Bitch! Yes that’s what she is or else why would she never try and find out how he has been all these years? He thought of her all the time, his mind kept replaying their life together; so much that he had memorized everything, every little detail. But at the end of 10 days he couldn’t contain himself. He had to find out for himself and he didn’t really care if she was prepared to answer them or if he was there with her. He needed to talk and he didn’t know any other way but this!

“What are you doing here?” A very surprised Noyona exclaimed while turning pale. She had never imagined he would come and find her. It has been 10 days and she assumed that by now the worst was over, and life would resume at the normal pace. But she was in for a rude shock

.

“I need to talk! Can I come in?”

“But… it’s late…”

“Look I think I made my intensions very clear… I am not going to rape you. It’s been a hectic 10 days, I’m exhausted and ready to pass out and in this state I wouldn’t be able to rape you even if I wanted to! And you know forcing myself on people, that has never been my style… and in any case people succumb to my charms… as you might remember!” He said smiling cheekily.

Mortified and blushing she moved back to allow him to come in and gestured him to make himself comfortable on the sofa while she went to tend to the kids who were now becoming restless as it was nearing bed time.

“Is it okay that I am here? I mean will he mind if he knew I was here? I mean… I’m sure you know what I mean right?” He said hesitantly.

Startled for a minute, she looked up “no it’s okay… I‘ll just get the kids to wash up and be back…”

“You want me to help?”

“No thanks I’ll manage…”

Here let me…. I‘ll carry her and you can carry him… I feel so shameless… I didn’t ask you their names..”

“Aankhi and Ayon…”

“Hmm… you had always wanted to name your daughter Aankhi haven’t you… Aankhi and Ayon…. Beautiful names…”

As he leaned over to pick Aankhi up he noticed a nervous look pass between mother and son, and Noyona was quick to reassure Ayon that it was okay that Aankhi was being picked up. The little girl however had no inhibitions; she gurgled gleefully, wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face against him. His heart twisted painfully and his throat became dry, he had no clue why he felt overwhelmed with emotions. Was it because he still couldn’t believe that this was Noyona’s kids? The Noyona who was wild, alive, constantly chattering, driving him crazy, whose love was all consuming. The Noyona who loved with abandonment, who had welcomed him in her life without any promises, she let him in a place where she had not let anyone else even come close. The youthful Noyona, as pretty as ever with those same kohl rimmed eyes, was almost the same but she was only quieter, more serious and had two lovely kids. Kids that could have been his 

reality!

He sighed as he opened the faucet to let water run, as he rinsed Ankhi’s mouth. He gently carried her into the room which looked like it belonged to the kids and sat down with her, as Noyona was busy with Ayon. In no time, he had seen all her toys, the names were known too and she was totally unaffected by a stranger in her private space. Instead she seemed eager to forge a bond with him, her little fingers played with the chain around his neck as he read to her. Soon Noyona walked in with Ayon, and putting him on the bed, she sat down.

“The kids don’t sleep with you?”

“No of late I’m trying to make them sleep in a different room. Sooner or later they would have to, and anyway Ayon takes care of her. He is the mature one of the two so I have nothing much to worry! Moreover they have a habit of sneaking into my room in the wee hours of the morning. So that’s how I begin the day. That partly cures my guilt of making them sleep in a different room.” She blabbered nervously.

He smiled, “A good thing you know… gives you room for some time alone too…” he winked at her and she blushed at his insinuation.

“I had almost forgotten to ask, do you want something to eat? I haven’t eaten too… “

“Are you sure it won’t be a problem that I’m here... It’s already around 9pm. I’d hate it if I caused problems for you”

“No its okay, don’t worry. Can you watch over the kids while I heat dinner? Just sit with them; they will fall asleep on their own,”

“Yeah okay…”

The moment she asked him to watch over her kids her heart winced. She even in her wildest dreams could have ever imagined that someday life would bring her face to face with him again. She thought that day at the airport was the last she saw of him, the last she would ever see him. But she was wrong. She saw him everywhere, he was ever present, he was there in Ayon, he was there in Ankhi. He was there in her memories. She was a fool to think that she could deceive fate and have the kids all to herself. That someday she would never have to share them with him. A part of her was angry but another part of her understood that there were things that were beyond her.

With the kids off to sleep, they finally sat down to eat. This entire family scene was getting to her, because she had carefully built her life from scratch and she didn’t want to disrupt any of that with his sudden appearance. But she knew this was temporary, her stint here would last another few days and then they would go back to the life they had embarked together. Then this will be just another memory, a cruel joke by fate

.

“So how have you been?” His voice startled her and she broke out of her reverie.

“I have been fine, with the kids and work. Life is good. So how are things on your end? And Ria?” she smiled weakly.

“She has been good, grown up and all. Work is good too, I have been busy. Just returned from a trip, and as you can see I’m completely exhausted…”

There was an eerie silence and unable to bear it any long he asked.

“So where is he? What does he do? Is it okay that I am here?”

“It’s fine that you are here. He is not around, never really been around.”

Something unsettled him and he could just not put a finger on to just what. Then he understood, the unhappiness in her eyes, the lack of smile…. She must have loved him a lot… with that realization came a stab in his gut, she has never really loved him as much. Why would she? I made no promises to her. Maybe he had…

“So when did you move in to this city? You came here for work?”

“I came here a couple of months back…for a short time though. Have some assignments to finish.”

He offered to help in clearing up the table but she would hear none of it. Reluctantly he went and made himself comfortable on the sofa. When she had finished her chores, she came to sit beside him with two bowls of ice cream only to find him fast asleep. The sight was very ordinary for her… she remembered so many such evenings, when they would stay up to talk, make passionate love and then she would watch him sleep. So many years later, she still watched over him as he slept only this time a lot had changed. She tried waking him up fearing that he may have to head home, but after his garbled reply that no-one was expecting him home and that he needed to sleep. She just made him comfortable and pulling a blanket over him and went into her room.

To be continued…

Half a Life! 2

With the newly bought suit over one arm, he fished out his cell phone from his pockets.

“Hey hi…yea I’m at the mall…will take some time…yeah ..okay see you at home for dinner then..where is Ria?... hmm okay.. Do you want me to pick up something??...hmmm .. okay..see you then…bye.”

And now for a cuppachino…thought Neel as he strode ahead towards the CCD. As he walked in, familiar smell of coffee greeted him. Heavenly! So far he has had a good day, he had bought a book he had wanted for the last few months but couldn’t manage to hit the bookstore for it, he had picked up his suit after much reminders and now sitting at his favorite coffee joint, reading his book and sipping coffee. Coming to the mall alone, was an ultimate escape on a Saturday afternoon to steal sometime away from the regular humdrum of life for himself!

As the coffee was served he looked up only to see the most adorable sight in the world! Two kids, identical to one another, maximum aged two, sitting on those high stools, taking a dig at the ice-cream and having a gala time half eating, half feeding one another and ending up feeding the bib. Somehow he felt transfixed to the scene, the little girl was having her ice cream with glee, and in the attempt she had some on her nose, her chin and almost all over her tee. The other kid, most probably her brother, was trying vehemently to fix his sister, by wiping her face and feeding her. They looked quite a sight, what was the best part was even though the mother was present at the table, her back towards him, seemed least perturbed by the mess her kids  were making, instead she seemed perfectly happy and at ease. Something about the scene touched his heart, a part of him that he wouldn’t ever acknowledge he had, was alive once again and he winced. The sloppy smile of the little girl, eyes twinkling with naughtiness, the little boys attempts to discipline his sister, the affectionate way in which he wiped her face clean time and time again tugged at his heart. They looked quite a sight but what surprised him was the mother who just sat there quietly drinking her coffee, seeing her kids up to their antics, whipping out her camera now and then to capture the moments but clearly enjoying herself, not once did she reprimand her kids for the mess! Something about her struck him, the way her glasses were perched on her head, her hair, wavy and long...

Realizing with a start that he had been a voyeur to an extremely private family scene, he decided to get back to his book and to the coffee which was now getting cold! After several attempts at concentrating, he gave up. He felt unsettled, the book didn’t interest him anymore, and somehow the restlessness made him uncomfortable. He got up after paying the bill only to realize the twins had left. He smiled at the half eaten bowl of ice cream, and the two empty coffee cups that lay abandoned on their table. Having remembered that he needed to go to the departmental store, he mentally made a list before stepping into the store.

With the things he needed he headed towards the counter to get them billed when a squeal of laughter caught his attention and he turned around. It was the twins again, but this time they were perched on the shopping cart with their mother striking things off her list and putting things in the trolley! Do people practice making list these days other than me?! Suddenly he was reminded of her, and her fanatic ways of making ‘to do lists’ to label things in the kitchen; he shook himself out of her reverie, it has been long but her thoughts were still very fresh in his mind and he couldn’t still deal with the fact that she had gone without a trace. He could still remember that last day at the air port; her smiling lopsidedly when they had hugged for the last time then she just turned and walked away. Blocking his mind from her thoughts, he made his way to the counter only to realize that while he was lost in his thoughts, there was a long que which meant some more time to go before his turn!

The twins and their mother were there in the que too; the little girl was drinking water from her sipper while her brother helped her with it! Their eyes met and he smiled, the girls smiled coyly and he felt his heart melt. The lady in front left to join her son in the other line, so now he had to move a step ahead! So now he was directly behind the twins who by now were engrossed watching the billing being done. With their mothers shopping amounting to two huge bag, he wondered how with two kids would she manage it all. Next was his turn, with just a small bag of shopping to pay for, it didn’t take him long, he turned to find the young mother trying to figure just how to carry her kids and the bags. He strode up to her from behind and offered to help.

“Here let me help you with the bags?”

She turned around and for the first time he saw her face and time stilled.

“Erm … thank you………” She couldn’t complete the sentence…

“Neel… “

“How have you been Noyona?”

Her face white as chalk, as if she was face to face with her worst nightmare, she was visibly shaking. It took her a few seconds to steady herself and she looked up at Neel.

His expression had changed from initial surprise to happiness and now his face was masked, unreadable almost as if he was mighty pissed about something. To avoid any kind of conversation, she said.

“Hey I really think I should go…. it’s getting late!”

“Where do you think you are going?”

“Home....it’s getting late… it’s time for the kids to eat…”

“I will drop you.”

“No thanks… I’ll take a cab… it’s not a big deal. I can manage”

“Who are you kidding Noyona, with two huge bags of shopping and two kids. Let me help you and don’t be stubborn. Here let me help you!”

Angry and dejected that she lost this round of argument, she followed him with Ankhi and Ayon in her arms. She couldn’t believe fate could be so cruel to her. After all these years, she was back in the city for a short stint and of all people she had to bump into Him!

“So where do you stay?”

“huh?”

“Noyona stop acting dumb, I’m not going to rape you… I merely asked you where you stay so that I can drop you!”

Having directed him to her house, something she totally hated! Now he knows where I live, she thought angrily! Soon the car pulled in front of her house, and the gate keeper came and helped her with her bags. She got off the car and turned to face him.

“Thank you, I appreciate it… “

“Cut it out Noyona…. Take care…”

With that he drove away! Leaving her confused and angry… Life was playing games with her once again but only this time she will have her way! She hugged her kids closer and stepped into the elevator.

To be continued...

Half a Life!

“Baby… “

“hmm.. ??”

“I love you…”

“I love you too…” she smiled and closed her eyes and let her mind drift. She knew that they had created something beautiful together and the joy was exquisite. With the joy came a sizzling pain, she knew the time had come to choose her path, however painful it may be, it was in her crazy way the only way she could keep him in her life. She flicked the button on her cellphone, 2am… they had exact 12 hours together. She said a silent prayer, God let me live my entire lifetime in these 12 hours the rest I will accept wholeheartedly.

Before even opening his eyes, he could feel her snuggling up to him, he could smell her shampoo, her soft skin against his, her face nuzzling in his chest, he knew this was bliss but reality was never far away. He opened his eyes and his gaze fell on their reflection on the mirror, they looked a very happy and loving sight and he knew in the madness called life this will always keep him going.

The car pulled up at the airport, she fetched the trolley while he got her luggage off. Their eyes met and they smiled, she had a calm look on her face, her smile was slightly sad but a lot peaceful, he coulnt put his finger onto what exactly but something was amiss, and a dread filled him, gripping him making it difficult for him to breathe. But he knew things were okay, she still wore the ring he had given her, they had made love fervently an hour or so back, all consumed by the millions of emotions coursing through them, as if to make up for the next few months. Then why was there a sense of loss, why was her eyes so veiled? Her smile never really reached her eyes. Maybe I’m thinking too much, it’s just a figment of our imagination I’m sure, he thought as he wheeled her trolley to meet her near the gate. There was still sometime before her boarding, and he intended to make the most of it.

“Have you taken everything? What about the book you were reading the other night? And the tee? And hey I forgot about the pill! Make sure you get it, the first thing you touch down okay.. and I don’t want to hear any excuses… get me? Noyona are you even listening??”

She smiled and she couldn’t help even at a crucial moment like this. How could she not? This is like a routine for them now, forgetting about the cares and the worries of the world, they united time and time again. Caution was never on their mind. But instead of fretting this one time she was secretly overjoyed, she knew that the knowledge was for hers to keep. This was just hers and she did not have to share it with anyone, not even him. That filled her with a sense of satisfaction, she smiled at God knowing this one time she beat him to it, and that this one time, she will have her way!

“They have just announced boarding, I think I need to go. But there is something I need you to know… No matter where I am, what I do, you will always be loved and missed. You will exist as the most important part of my life, the reason for my existence and as the love of my life and no one can change that…”

He stared at her, his heart sinking. Her eyes had no tears or emotions no glimpse of the girl he had fallen in love with. She now filled him with a sense of numbness, fear gripping him in anticipation of her few words.

“Neel I have loved you like I haven’t anyone. I have been there for you selflessly but this one time I want to be selfish, I want to live for myself. I want a direction to my life and I want permanence! When we met, I never asked for any promises and you gave none, and that holds true even now, just that I cant live half a life! We have everything going for us, but there is always going to be something we will never have, because we were never meant to, no matter how much we deny that. I cant carry on this charade and all I ask you now is to let me go!

She was shaking, she couldn’t believe she had finally said those words but as soon as she said it she felt confidence and a sense of surety fill her. She looked up and saw him looking at her with eyes brimming with love and her heart ached.

“I knew I would have to let go but the day would come so soon I never knew. Know that I have always loved you Noyona!”

“I know and I love you too!” with that she hugged him, holding him tight against her, she wanted to tell him out aloud but she couldn’t. Before she moved away from him the one last time, she gently kissed him and she closed her eyes, to capture this feeling for a lifetime! Her thoughts were haywire! Forgive me Neel, I have let you down and now I’m taking away a part of you without your knowledge!

She hugged him one last time and then she turned away without looking at him and walked towards boarding counter. She knew she was leaving behind an important part of her life, she knew she was taking an enormous step which entailed a lot of responsibility, something that would change her life forever. But she smiled, she had a secret and she knew that it would see her through all the troubles that life may hurl at her.

To be continued...

I, Me and Myself!

Ten How's?  

1.How did you get one of your scars?
I fell off my cycle trying to avoid a mad dog!
2. How did you celebrate your last birthday?
I cried myself to sleep the night before, sulked the entire day, starved myself, felt shitty, and eventually went to sleep thankful that the dreaded day was over and I was a year older!
3. How are you feeling at this moment?
As if a part of me has been amputated. Numb!
4. How did your night go last night?
I cooked some, read some more, worked until I was too exhausted and fell asleep.
5. How did you do in high school?
I was elected the school captain for four years, had great set of friends, got decent grades and school life was blissful
6. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
It’s a brown kurta and it was gifted to me by a friend.
7. How often do you see your best friend(s)
Once a year if we can manage, we live in different cities! : (
8. How much money did you spend last month?
Lets not even go there, I spent an obscene amount getting gifts for people at home.
9. How old do you want to be when you get married?
I wont if I can help it, or if I find someone who can convince me otherwise.
10. How old will you be at your next birthday?
24


Nine What's?

1. Your mothers name? 
Ruby Majumdar
2. What did you do last weekend?
A report on Nokia
3. What is the most important part of your life?
I don’t think I know anymore but I guess it has to be my parents
4. What would you rather be doing?
Erase memories!!
5. What did you last cry over?
Him
 6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
I remember him smiling
7. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? 
Maturity and sensitivity.
8. What are you worried about?
If I will ever get over love!
9. What did you have for breakfast?
Egg sandwich


Eight you’s?

1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yes!
2. Have you ever had your heartbroken?
Yes!
3. Have you ever been out of the country?
No, but someday for sure!
4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Too many to remember!
5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Totally!
6. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Naah… but nice prospect though! *wink*
7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Nope!
8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Like always! : )
Harry Potter Books, Mills and Boons, basically anything I can lay my hands on and that interests me.

Seven Who's:

1. Who was the last person you saw?
Sree, my colleague
2. Who was the last person you texted?
A friend
3. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Has to be that friend again!
4. Who was the last person to call you?
Ma
5. Who did you last hug?
HIM
6. Who is the last person who texted you?
Him
7. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?
Him

Six Where's:

1.Where does your best friend(s) live?
My support systems live in Ranchi, Mumbai, Delhi and Kolkata
2. Where did you last go?
For a drive
3. Where did you last hang out?
Commercial Street
4. Where do you go to school?
I went to school, Loreto Day school, Kolkata.
5. Where is your favorite place to be?
Seaside
6. Where did you sleep last night?
 In my bed.

 Five Do's:

 Do you think anyone likes you?
 Don’t really care.
2. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
Naaah!!
3. Do you know the muffin man?
Who??
4. Does the future scare you?
No, uncertainty does.
5.Do you love yourself?
No

Four Why's:

1. Why are you best friends with your best friend?
She accepts me for who I am, never minces her words, and is there for me unconditionally.
2. Why did you get into Blogging?
To air my opinions, to express and to preserve my sanity.
3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
I was born on a fullmoon night hence my Granny named me such. And I do by the name Phoenix because I believe in rising from the ashes.
4. Why are you doing this survey?
Because a beautiful person tagged me! : )

Three if's:

1. If you could have one super power what would it be?  
Re-write my life!
2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? 
Yes I would, I would learn to life for myself!
3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing, what would you bring?
My laptop and datacard!

Two-would-you-ever:

1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
No
2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
Without a doubt!

 One Last Question:

 1. Are you happy with your life right now?
No I am not but I am trying to discover reasons to be happy! 

 I tag all those who are reading this one! :)

Love or something like it?

Since it’s the season of love, I thought I ll have a relook at the last 7 years of my life and its brush with love.  You must be wondering why? Well it’s just because I want to do away with the freaking notion of love and the popular perception of me as the girl who had it all. Okay I am a bit upset… not make that a lot…but hell its my blog right… so I do get to rant. So scoot while you still can.

I have always been a girl who didn’t really want love. She read tons and tons of sappy sordid novels, which talked about a perfect guy, problems and love triumphing it all. Okay the perfect guy bit screwed up with my system but I could care less because I was happy in my own little world. Then came this silly neighbor who played the guitar, well he pretended to at least to get my attention. It was rocky and rather childish and after  a year of torment of thinking about the reasons why we care the way we do I knew I could do without with the thing called love. Specially I could do without someone who would not use me, who would be my friend who would love me as much as I did. So what happened? From the girl who had a semi relationship, to the one who found someone who convinced her that life is all about giving a chance, to risk it, to allow love to brighten the day. So after sis months of constant wooing, of contemplating love, I finally gave in but with just one aim, come what may this should last. The rest is history, if you have hung around this blog for the last 5 years of my writing it, you pretty much know everything. 

Then things fell apart. And I finally mustered the courage to walk away from something I gave my life to. And I know I did the right thing. Its been sometime, seven months to be exact and frankly I had lost track of time until now. Whenever I looked back, I did so with a smile, lovingly remembered all those beautiful moments, of times that was but that would never be, not with bitterness but with affection. But now I know its not, it never was pure and unadulterated love that I thought it was in the first place. That frankly took the wind out of my sails. And im not sure what love is anymore. Imagine what a fool I was to stick to a blind belief, going against the better judgment of loved ones to side without what I truly believed in, only to be told by the one that love wasn’t there, what was attraction and desire. So my notion of love and commitment kinda died a million times. 

So what is love?  Not that I really know, but here is what I really think love is. Love to me is to give my all to that one person, it can be day to day things, it can be feelings, thoughts, even those thoughts we think is not relevant. Its to share, to love as much as to lower one defences to allow the other person to love you. To care because you don’t know how not to. To give and not to expect in return. Yes the last bit hurts and why wont it, its not easy to love someone and know he is never ever gonna be yours, its sad to know that you connect with someone as if it were a dream and it is to be just not meant to be. But at the end of the day, I know I love Him enough for the both of us. So what I cant have a good nights sleep because His face is a constant dream that I see, so much that im paranoid at the thought of sleep. So what if my heart wrenches because my life feels empty without Him. Every morning my heart lurches painfully knowing He is not here and is never meant to be. Memories are all that I have but memories at times makes it difficult to breathe. No matter how much I smile, no matter where I go, no matter who I hang out with; I just miss Him, so much so that I want to give up everything in life and succumb to despair. But I know love is not as destructive as it is shown in movies, love is positive, it means to go on, it means to give and not be selfish, because if you give it a chance, love rescues you right back. 

Some love stories arent epic novels, some are just short stories it doesn't mean it’s any less filled with love. Its important to find the right reason to love and when you have found it, its important to cherish and nurture it because once lost, love will give you another chance but life wont. So love and let love!

I have found love in the unlikeliest of places in unlikeliest of person and even though I am not destined to have a ‘happily ever after’ with Him, my love for him gives me reason enough to scare the blues away and fight life, because what is life without love! Take care people and celebrate love, you need no Valentines Day to do it! :)

Pain penetrates me drop by drop

Darkness envelopes me
Tears glisten

Threatening to fall

Pain makes it hard to breathe

I have tried to

Muffle the sounds of memories

I have blocked the visions of us

From  putting up an appearance

But who will silence the heart

That so full of love

So consumed by your presence

That it has forgotten the reality

Like a moth drawn to fire

I felt drawn to you

I knew the end was near

But it never deterred me from you

No promises given

No promises sought

Present was all we had

And it was all we needed

Then why does the heart

Wince painfully

Why does the voice of reason

Not see what the heart feels

Why does tomorrow

Promise only of a dreary life

Devoid of love and happiness?

Devoid of you?

Some are meant to meet

To fall in love and then to part.

We were destined

A no different tomorrow.

It is but a matter of time

When the dreams will be shattered

Where our castle of love

Will be destroyed

And I will trudge along

Alone, as I have always been

Bearing my cross

In hopes of finding peace.

Reverie

She felt his arms snaking around her, pulling her close. She felt his lips on her name and she snuggled closer still. Minutes later she would open her eyes to peer into the depths of his eyes, so full of love, that smile that made her heart thud with joy. His lips would seek hers, and everything else blurred as they rode high on love and passion that threatened to consume them. They would later get out of bed, and hurriedly take a shower steal some more moments of intimacy before rushing to work. Life was blissful and she had met the guy who completed her in every way possible. But she knew that time was ticking and she would have to let go, soon. But that did not deter her; she loved him furiously with her entire being. She knew she would just have his memories to keep for a lifetime and getting hurt or ending up alone, did not frighten her anymore.

She stood there near the window sill, looking at the wast horizon stretched out in front of her. Skyscrapers jutted out obstructing her vision even from her 21^st floor office, she looked down to see tiny cars whizzing past, hussle and bustle ruled and life moved on at a break neck speed. Her Blackberry buzzed her hand notifying her of the new email, she choose to ignore it and sipped her coffee her eyes had a cold and distant look that her colleagues could easily identify with. They found her amicable but the coldness was hard to miss, her smile rarely reached her eyes and no one knew much about her other than the fact that she was the most ambitious and hard working employee in the team, whose workaholic nature was at the brink of insanity. She was indecipherable and she liked it that way.

Anticipation was the only thing that kept her alive... it saw her through those long days and those excruciatingly lonely nights. Life wasnt easy, she had to deal with a life that would never have Him. It was an informed choice, but still the heart bled, longed for him, to see that smile that adorns his lips, to see the twinkle in his eye. The heart constricted painfully and she physically flinched. Memories came back in a flash, those early morning chats over piping hot chai, sitting close and forgetting the world. Those long walks with her fingers entwined in his, stolen glances and smiles that lightened up her very being. Those days were now gone just like she had always known it would, he was gone and all that remained was memories, of happier times. Time that was theirs and theirs alone. She brushed aside a lone tear that that sneaked past giving away an otherwise stoic expression, and broke out of her reverie. Moving away from the window she placed her empty mug on the desk and flipped her laptop open and got back to work. There would be things she knew she would never have and she had made peace with it, the pain kept her alive but she knew the onward journey was hers to make, alone.

Circle of Life

Have you ever come across a time in life when you think life has come a full circle? Well it happened with me yesterday and its a nice and a funny incident that I thought could do wonders to lift the spirits of my blog! :)

Last year in January, I was still a student studying Journalism. Paranoid, apprehensive and unsure as to what lay ahead of me. I had by then become irregular to blogging but whenever I did post it was about campus placements, interviews, an my first brush with this competitive world of job hunting. You can read about my first placement day which in itself was a hilarious event in my life where I goofed up big time.So that was last year. Yesterday I found myself on the other side of the interview table where it was me who taking the interview. Yes it did wonders to my self confidence but more than which for once as an interviewer I know what each of the candidates were going through, so in itself it was a very humbling experience to say the least!

As a stream of freshers came and went, I noticed the beads of perspiration making its presence felt prominently. I saw the crossed fingers, the hopeful looks, the nervousness making the palms sweaty. As I sat there I wondered at the thoughts that must be coursing through the minds of these people who has walked into the room to try their luck to secure a job. I wondered just how they perceived of me! Did I appear to be someone serious, strict or someone they could be comfortable with?


I remember when this guy called Arun walked into the room he seemed to be a little fidgety. Halfway through he was perspiring like nobody's business. When I asked him to convince and sell me his tie, and I gave him a hard time, he just felt ready to fall apart. Ultimately i had to reach into my backpack to get him a tissue! I couldnt believe that people could take me seriously! :) All along I have been someone people are pally with, most of the jokes are like cracked on me and basically I couldnt imagine that there could be a time when even I could be someone to recon with (there goes... so much for an ego booster!! lol! :P) But jokes apart,  I was just doing my job there, and my heart went out to all those students who were at the threshold of an important phase of their lives.

I am amazed at how soon this past year has gone by. Its been like I have traveled to the moon and back. I wonder why, whenIi look back I cant look back in bitterness but only with a smile? Im glad I have chosen a brighter hue to look at life as opposed to my otherwise bleak and despair filled life, because I know if I dont smile, then tears are just a blink away! :) But this thing called circle of life, where we do come back to where we began our journey has always happened to me, and somehow it keeps recurring. Has it ever happened to you?

This song called "Circle of Life" fit my thoughts completely, so I thought of posting the lyrics here. Hope you like it.

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life

Yearnings!

As the days slip by

It brings me closer still

To you, to us

Your thoughts are rampant

On my mind

I long to see your lips

Sporting a smile

The twinkle in your eye

Your deep voice

Calling my name

I long for your arms

Snaking around me

Pulling me close

Your lips on mine

Bringing me to life

I long to hear

The gurgle of laughter

To feel your possessive touch

Branding me

Making me yours!

I long to wake up

To your breath on my nape

Your lips kissing my blues away

Your presence

Brightening my day!

Time will fly

Years will go by

I will still have you

Here by my side

Love binding us

Closer still!