Incoherent Ramblings

....i had a hard day n right now all i need is my bed....going to school to watch the play was clearly a wrong decision..havent realy felt so humiliated and betrayed ever in my life,so i'm never goin back again....an era of my life is finally coming to an end and i am sealing all my connections with it....i dont know whether the decision is right of not but who cares????one thing good was that i met sushmita after a long time...can u belive it she has a boy friend???...the serious and studious sushmita has a boyfriend!!!well its always great to see people in love...but wait till the honeymoon period is over....trouble starts raising its ugly head....wondering why i am saying this????well because i had a massive fight with samik today.there are genuine issues with him which,i think i need to sort out.....right now i am not in my proper senses so that will have to be done tomorrow.i really need to stop blogging and sleep now because my eyes are drooping and my neck hurts so bad...tomorrow i ll sit down and make sense of all this....i cant even clearly think...havent slept in about 38 hrs or so.....yawn! yawn!i am off to bed now..if i stay up much longer then i ll drop dead,so here i split..chiao!

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Yet another bandh....but a holiday is always welcome.specially since last six months have been really hectic....what with college,internals,teaching a pest and then semester exams...sigh!i hardly got time to be with me...to think..or to sort out certain issues that were playing in my mind for quite some time now....newspapers lie in a stack...CD's scattered here and there...and of late books have been piling on my nightstand....last night i made my self a routine for today....i thought of pampering myself by sleeping in late and not waking up as early as i usually do...and till now everything is going the way i had planned......i finished reading the newspapers...cleaned up my room...and now i am sitting near the window soaking up the afternoon sun i let my thoughts take flight....
the phone hasn't buzzed since the morning..for some that maybe of some relief but not for me....i was expecting a call....i kept checking my cell from time to time...nope not a call not even a missed call.....has he forgotten me??the thought comes to my mind but i dismiss it.we had a tiff last night.so he must have misunderstood me when i announced that i wanted to hang up so abruptly.but what could i do?i was getting hurt that he wasn't understanding me or my actions.he complains that i never reach out for anything but instead i turn to my friends for help...little did he realise that he is always occupied with his assignments,or his semester exams or his family problems,that i felt highly guilty to approach him for help.i have many a times but he has very politely turned me down...is it wrong for me to turn to my friends for help if he is not around to bail me out?
instead of talking things out he thought it would be better to teach me a lesson by backtracking fro accompanying me to my school play...something that i was looking forward to,knowing well how much going back to school meant to me....hurt and angry i don't know what is it that i should do now...what pains me more is his total ignorance of my suffering and leading a normal life wallowing in self pity...he has to relocate in all probability and this is affecting both him and me..but instead of taking it in his stride he chooses to indulge in it.who is going to make him understand that i am going through the very same agony and instead of sharing our troubles,strengthening each other with the bonds of love,he is using me as a punching bag.......
hope this one of the trials of time and goes by soon....and the sun comes our shining bright after a rainy day..

CSA

i came across Pranaadhika's blog about Child Sexual Abuse-CSA and all of a sudden memories came flooding....while reading about how 80% of cases of CSA its within the family....i felt something stir deep withing me...i knew somewhere i have been a victim to it too...i too have gone through agonies of feeling "unclean" and "impure"...how i couldn't muster the courage to speak to my folks about this fearing that they would never believe me or understand me....n how to my horror they actually didn't..... though they came around later....i know the feeling that the mention this topic brings to my heart....i feel smothered and chocked....its something i would probably never forget....scarred as i am...i know some day may be i will heal but i know in some cases people actually never come out of it...they are affected for life.....i have been extremely lucky to have escaped this by a close shave.....it could have been more drastic....so i would like to raise my voice and urge people to speak out and to prevent such heinous crimes to be committed....these so called "uncles" and "brothers" need to be taught a lesson....children are blooming buds..they deserve to grow and live life unscathed by such dreadful experiences...today it is someone else....next it could be your near and dear ones.....so people do not sit back but rise to the occasion and protest and lets join hands together to combat CSA together ...so that someday we can build a better life for our predecessors.......here's to ELAAN.......kudos! for doing such a wonderful job.....

MUSINGS OF A SOLITARY HEART

the candle flickered
and died out.
the wind swept
the papers off my desk.
i sit solitary
in the dark
as i battle with the emotions
dueling within me
a silent tear courses
its way down unnoticed

lost in my thoughts
i lose track of time
caught in the grips
of an impending gloom
they say,futile it is
to love,
i say,
despite the agony
its well worth the pain

a soft breeze blows
as my hair falls on my face
incoherent thoughts
cloud my mind
as i stifle my sobs
and silently mourn
the absence of my love
fate has dealt me a cruel hand
and i suffer,the tyrannies of eventuality

as the sun comes up
a new hope dawns within me
i must survive
and dream again
to see this through
my love,
if only you were here
my life would have been complete.

Power Of Love


i feel like flying..
or to walk upon the air...
i feel so happy and
so free,
because i know
i am in love,with you....


when night falls
and the gentle breeze blows
ruffling my hair...
when i feel you whisper my name
i know i am not alone
for i know..
you love me too

hand in hand
we walk into the horizon
to our sun kissed future
just you and me
but before that hardships
we must endure

i know we will survive
the trying times
to emerge victorious
and together
i know we can make it
if only we try

so darling leave aside
you fears and apprehensions
and hear,i make a solemn promise
it is you,to whom i belong
it is you,whom i love
now and forever.
whenever you reach for me
you will never find me gone...

soon time will fly
and hardships will disappear
and we will be united again
and together we will
build a life of our own

so walk ahead
and brave the hurdles
as i anxiously wait
for you and for time to turn
when we ll be united forever
and then life will blossom
to all its glory
and reward our love
with its holy sanctity

together we will touch the sky
and scale the mountain high
because you fill me with love
and so much strength
that i know i can survive
if only you are my light
at the end of the tunnel

you,my love complete me
give me the strength;
urge me to fight
to dream dreams,
and make them reality.
you taught me to love
and now i give u me

GOING BACK TO SCHOOL


in just about a week i am goin back to school...its that time of the year again...and like every year our school is hosting our annual school concert-PERKIE AND THE PRINCE....and like all other years i ll be present but not as a student but as a alumni....i have started a whole new life in college...made some great friends and had many a wonderful moment....but every now and then...nostalgia would creep in...my heart would yearn for those days when my throat would become all sore from yelling and cheering for my house[vivekananda house-yellow] in the inter house games or sports meet..those house meeting...planning stragies to beat other houses...those secret talking with friends...or the exhilaration that coursed through me and my best pal while waiting for our voting results to come out...the ecstatic feeling when i won and became the house captain...then lifting the house cup of the year...all in all schhol life was as fun as it can get..barring ofcorse a few unpleasant encounters that id rather forget......
just to think that soon i ll be able to go back where i had met d most amazing friends of the world....learnt whatever i know today....a place that gave me my own identity,my school a place of greatest importance to me,being the best in the whole wide world....it fills me with a sense of childlike excitement,affection and a uncontrollable happiness just thinking of goin back to visit....it seems as if i cant contain the happiness within me....yippeee!!!!i am goin back to school.......to d golden era of my past and to my childhood days....

THE ILL FATED GIRL

Never had troubles
bogged me down
Never had pain
Affected me.
"Why now?"i ask myself
"Why me?"
Then the truth dawned
upon me..
I'm the ill fated girl
-As they called me
I am the me
One and only
I ll fated as always

NAMELESS

year after year,
alone she walked
braving the hurdles
that life sent her way.
then came the day
when the heart gave up,
"no more!here i quit"-it said

then silently and unnoticed
her soul passed away
to another world
far,far away.
no one cried,no one mourned
she remained inconspicuous,
as the day.
and thus she died a nameless death.

MIDNIGHT BLUES

reliazation has finally dawned upon me...samik will eventually go away....he has secured a very lucrative job offer in chennai...
all these days i was in denial...refusing to believe that he would leave some day...but today that illusion broke and was shattered into thousands of pieces.....
we both are together for the past 2 years or so...and during this time we have both evolved...seeing life in all its glory we have learnt how to love again and survive the many hurdles that had come our way...our relationship has blossomed through good and turbulent times...it has withstood tyrannies of fate and conspiracies of mankind...and now when we are in the threshold of a new phase in life,a new challenge has come up-to live without one another......
we may have braved through so many hardships,yet,we havent managed to master the art of staying apart....i smile through my tears,mask my unhappiness behind an always cheerful face..how can i show him,how much just the thought of separation is causing me?...it would weaken his resolve...its not a matter of days or weeks but 3 long and painful years of separation.regular telephone conversation would become weekly calls;frequent meetings would be replaced by meeting once a year,for a few odd days...terrible!terrible!....its like a nightmare that seems to have no end....when my friends would bask in the glory of love and would share a close companionship with their special one...i would yearn for the person i love...who would be soo many miles away and far out of reach....
thoughts such as these depresses and boggs me down..i am amazed at how soon i have gotten attached to samik that now life without him seems indespensable to me....when there is no way out and gloom sets in i just remember what my best friend,shubho once said..."tough times dont last but tough people do".i know if ever i am to falter,i have friends like shubho,rohit n nimisha to fall back on...but samik...who will he hav to comfort him in an alien city?no one but mayb my thoughts,i am much better of that way i am,i realise;atleast i have my friends....thus i comfort and give solace to myself...ending on a positive note i just hope against hope that samik gets a better offer here,in the city so that we donot have to go through the trials of separation.

DRIVING LESSONS


yesterday afternoon i got off the bus very aprehensively...SAMIK was taking me on a drive in this dads car..before i go further i would like to mention that samik is a new learner and this driving area is his neighbourhood....staying near d highway he has never really ventured out of his locality...so understandably i was scared about losing my life....
hesitantly i got in the passenger seat next to d drivers seat...i was pleasantly surprised to find out that..not only was SAMIK a good driver...he could manoeuvre the car even in most tricky situations.....the person who never ventured out of his neighbourhood ..he went sailing in d highway......it was a real wonderful experience...i had never felt so exhilarated by speed b4....i must conclude by adding that seeing my guy drive with such finesse made me real proud.i feel real guilty to even admit that i had once underestimated this ability...here's to samik's growing finesse in driving cheers!