they came,they conquered and they went away

yesterday was feeling blue all of a sudden without any reason...and soon i was drowned in nostalgia...memories came thick and fast...somehow i have always loved autumn and spring..the change of seasons..the smell in the air...dry leaves and cool breeze...brought back memories of my childhood days...those games of cricket...cycle rides and hopscotch...old friends.......

thinking of old friends who came who conquered and went by...forgetting everything...made my heart wince with pain...it hurts to know and realise that people who once meant and still do mean a lot...to them you are but a memory and in some cases even not that...its amazing to look back to the past and relive the happy moments with best friends who later get lost in time somehow.....

for a change i let myself feel and purge myself of the feeling i was bottling within me...for once i wasn't being hard on me by being too saintly or sacrificing....i finally realised how much hurt and pain i had buried deep withing me in a veil of doing the "right" thing...friends who utilised me and then disappeared without a trace....Neharika-was my closest pal in my childhood,we have had some amazing times together...shared our crushes,had those secret talks...those walks in the lakes and cooking together....i have been there when she needed a person to share her hurt and pain but she never looked back....Vartika her sis..was my alter ego....though she is 3 yrs younger,she is at par with me...those animated talks,cycling on bandh days or playing cricket,sleepovers and picnics....but now they have moved to a new neighbourhood and so i am no longer a part of their family...so much was the animosity [i wonder of what or why?] that they didn't even tell me until the day they left....times have changed but my feelings haven't...they are the same as they were for each one just as it has been for Anushri.....a year senior to me..she used to be my friend,confidante and guidee...but she too vanished into thin air......then came more friends....Puneet,Adrija and too an extent Somasree...lets leave aside people whom i thought as close friends but actualy not so,from here,that's a new chapter...... just thinking of these friends i was seething with anger for the first time....

i wondered why such things happened...people about whom you care a lot and they move on and forget you and you??are left behind longing for them...wishing that even if for once they would turn back and remember you and value you for who you are and what you were once to them...but all in vain...truly said by this special friend of mine..."this is a pert of growing up"...probably it is....but what happens to people like us who care for others even when their friends move along..forgetting their old friends??

CLAI

Thats me

Cheese-Pooja,Ekta,Tania,Abhinandan,Rimi, and Anuttama

UG-1 Volunteers-during dinner

UG 1 Comp.Lit in a mood to party after the fantastic results

Priyodarshi,Sayani,Varun,Nimisha,Me,Shiladitya,Rohit and Tania

My Big Brother

i am down with fever for the last few days...its been really terrible...what with the cold,the cough and the fever....i was too weak to even get up to check my mail or blog....just that having nothing to do drove me mad...i have had bad days but yesterday was the worst...i had nothing to do all day except watching television.....what with the TV as my only companion i thought of going over to my brothers place just to spend sometime with him...he was tiried and beat froma whole week of office and was relaxing...despite me gate crashing he was caring and very understanding.....to my amazement i saw my bro in a whole new avatar...something like never before...my brother was genuinely affectionate extremely caring...well this maybe sounding weird but if you know the whole it..it actually isn't...my brother doesn't believe in displaying emotions..[runs in the family i believe] my bro is a very conservative man in his own rights...he will never take my responsibility even if he is paid to...for which we have had many clashes..where he wouldn't just take me out somewhere or let me have something i want to have....but truly to speak he is the closest to me, along with samik...to him i confide all....whether it is my problems with samik.or college...anything and everything under the sun.....yesterday his caring nature just came out when he ever so thoughtfully and in a caring way massaged my head as it was aching pretty badly due to the cold...he even wrapped me in his blanket and told me things to do and not to, to get well soon....truly this thoughtful gesture of my brother touched me like never before...i saw a whole new side of him and its reassuring to know that i have the best brother in the whole wide world....

Cant live if living is without you
Can’t survive if you are not there
You are my heart, my soul
You are in everything I do or say

You are the thought that
Begins every morning
You are the conclusion
To my day…

How do I go on?
if you ever leave?
How do I cope with the pain?
How do I breathe without you?
How do I ever survive?

Where is the love?
That filled us with happiness
Which used to light up the sky?
And brighten up the day?

Has the magic of love faded?
Is it inflicted by oblivions curse?
Will everything come to end?
Will we become strangers yet again?

Fear grips me in its deathly clasp
Pain rips me apart
Desolation fills my heart
And kills my soul

Hope dawns yet again, says
Troubled times are not here to stay
Keep the faith and,
All will be well again.

An Eventful Day

yesterday has been one of the most eventful day of my life....getting up early i had to rush to do my chores and then manage to wear a Saree for CLAI which i did with finesse and then scoot to college...doing errands..getting print outs..gossiping cracking pj's i did it all...then came the lunch...which was truly awesome!moreover lunching with friends...was a really hilarious! a shadow of an unwanted and extremely leachous character always spoilt the mood here and there but with friends around who really cares for inconspicuous people..........

in the evening came the shock while most of us were taking a break...the results will be out in a few moments... my what a tension it was....what with samik over i surely didn't wanna flunk and that too risk him coming to know about my results but to gods grace i cleared my papers comfortably....the liberated feeling was just beyond expression.....my happiness was doubled knowing that my pal Rohit had topped our class...oh!what joy...all of us had got what we wanted..yes rohit had indeed made us all very happy...a well deserving person topped...who is not only a good human being but a good student too...justice has been done.....

dinner yesterday was even more animated and lively...samik joined our whole class and we were all gushing about our reactions to our results...pictures were taken....we were celebrating our good results and there was no stopping our endless clatter....at the end of the day..i had a sore feet and a terrible body ache but it was well worth the ordeal because in the end we were all happy...and thats what matters

kaleidoscope of happy moments

Bold And The Beautiful - Abhinandan,Rohit,Me,Nimisha and Shiladitya

JU Comparative Literature ledgelings-Shiladitya,Anuttama,Khyati,Nimisha,Me,Soura,Rohit and Abhinandan.

Wayward thinking

Loads have been happening on my personal front these last few days…. I have kept mum because I wanted to analyze the way I felt…divulging personal details on a public platform like the blog, is something that a particular someone has great dislike for…but I am sorry…my blog is my personal space to do whatever I want to with…. and on this account I wouldn’t like anyone to dictate terms as to what I should write and what I shouldn’t…its purely a personal decision and anyone having problems with what I write may stop viewing this blog altogether.

A thing that must be mentioned here is…I haven’t quite gotten over the ‘makeover’ issue…. I have forgiven the person concerned but forgotten? Well no! Because I have been scarred, and I think its unfair on the persons behalf to demand for forgiveness and for me to totally eradicated the matter from my memory… After being betrayed by people I call friends my only support system turned out to lash out to me with something that I have always been sensitive about! And it’s not a trivial issue for me. One may have committed a mistake but it is on the person who has been victimized to react whichever way he/she feels like. And I find it totally uncalled for, to demand that I totally ignore the whole issue and move on…because if I do that I’ll be lying because all is not okay with me…. somehow a series of event happening around me has hardened me… how do u trust some one after being betrayed by him? How do you put in your trust on someone you love who says one thing at one point and contradicts his own opinion in the other? …What do u say to a person who asks you to tell a truth knowing well that if u do so then you would be hurting the person?? Do you pretend that all is well…wouldn’t it amount to cheating? What do you do when you are trying to come to terms with reality and act normal and a person close to you misunderstands you on purpose??? How do u defend yourself on baseless allegations?? How do you deal with someone who demands forgiveness after hurting you?

Probably I am being difficult regarding a few issues but like everyone else I am a human being… I have my endurance level… I cannot be the punching bag for people to behave any way they chose to …… I have my ways to heal… is it right to demand things of me?? Am I not entitled to react the way I want to or be the person I am? Why is it always me who has to do as directed? I just cant seem to get my point across to a certain someone and he isn’t helping me either… the way I perceive of this situation…. soon a perfect friendship will fall apart if not anything more… I don’t want to let it all go… surely not after coming all this way… I don’t know how this person feels but I sure know how much this person means to me and I donot wish to lose someone I care about most. I just wish he would understand the trials of time that I am enduring and that it is not easy on me and I am the way I am because the situations have made me this way…. Hope the tough times don’t last and the sun comes out shining from its hiding and all becomes well again…

CSA and Pranaadhika

finally i got to meet Pranaadhika....been reading her blog entries..scrapping on and off but its nothing like meeting her one on one.....must say i simply adore her meticulous ways,strength in accepting her weakness and the wrongs done to her.her no nonsense attitude and forthright ways is what sets her apart...even though she hardly knew me in person she had maintained a very affectionate and caring relationship with me before even knowing me...and today meeting her was like meeting an old friend..After hearing her speak out proudly about her baby 'ELAAN' just proves how passionate she is about 'CSA',hearing people talk of their experiences[Rahul] and knowing factual details further solidified my resolve to work actively with ELAAN to fight CSA.....i hope Ponchie finds my CV acceptable enough to let me work for Elaan...i am keeping my fingers crossed...hope this thing works out then i ll know i have done my bit to prevent another innocent and defenceless child from being sexually abused....

Makeover???

i came across what a person close to me feels about me on a certain aspect...it just compels me to think if i am really not presentable...i mean i don't have the frills and air and graces of a typical girl...i don't spend an obscene amount of money on my self...i don't visit the parlour often....i don't do make up nor can am i a pro at it....most often than not i am not bothered about how i look...whether my kajal has smudged or my hair is ruffled....and i think that is so me...getting dressed for nothing doesn't appeal to me but ya occasions are exceptions,i do dress up then....you cannot really call me uncouth or a total geek or gypsy girl...but then after the comment yesterday and yet again today i am forced to consider a few things... should i be a bit more conscious about the way i present myself?or should i be the way i am?will it be right to change myself ?or do i hold on to my individuality and be myself.....the comment was heart breaking and humiliating...and to an extent baseless yet somehow it has left an impact on me and now i am confused....any kind of advise and suggestions are a welcome....

Random Rambling

Been gloomy for the past couple of weeks and I haven’t totally managed to snap out of it. I must have bored quite a few people stating how bad I am feeling.... how agonizing it all is. I have stopped howling like I did when this thing was first revealed to me and now I feel quite stable but since this heavy feeling refuses to go away I thought of venting a few thoughts that has been nagging in my mind….

I cant help but being a bit narcissistic here for once- Have been thinking what will I do for the next few months…. With the dawn of every new day a new fear clutches my heart. How will I cope up with the fact that Samik will go away?? What will life be like once he has gone…he seems to be my only shelter? My shoulder to cry upon…what is it that I will be doing after graduation?? Will I have courage to tell dad. Whether u like it or not I am shifting base to so and so city where Samik is?? Or will I be docile [I wonder if I have that in me, I have always been a rebel] and let him decide for me…. will I be able to go on with life post Samik’s departure? What is the fate of our relationship? Despite our families knowing and approving will we manage to stay together? Or will we give into trials of life? What will college life be like? If I loose friends like Rohit and Prakriti? After what happened with ****** I don’t know anything anymore…people seem to come and go and without a trace…i cant seem to hold on to them and tell them ’ please don’t go, don’t leave me. I feel scared of losing loved ones…I feel scared of getting hurt…I never seem to heal after a heart break…don’t go’ but eventually people do go away and lead a proper life apart from me…. I am not even spared a thought…. Why have people stopped being true to themselves and other people around them? …. why has the need to put up a façade risen? Why have our society become so savage? Why? Why? Why? Why me? Why do I get hurt? Why doesn’t the hurt go away? Why cant I have 1 true friend…why cant life go my way…I guess its not worth lamenting over all the why’s …what will happen will happen. And bitter truth it may be but I have accepted it
There I have done it and I am feeling…. oh! So proud…. finally I got it out of me and it is bound to do me good……hmmm… at least I sure hope so…