Of friendships and mistakes...

When I wrote about how September is a month of losing I had no clue how many people I would end up losing or just how I will end up at the end of the ordeal. For starters, pain is just blinding.

In the past two days I felt angry, exasperated, almost distraught and lost. My emotions have been all over the place and well I honestly havent been sane. But when realization sunk in, I felt angry not at the friend who managed to just shrug me off and walk away as if nothing as happened but at myself. All these lessons of being hurt and let down, the caution with which I deal with people all have been in vain because at the end of the day I am hurt beyond anything I can imagine while he is just fine.

The way I see friendship, people are not similar, they will have fights, big ones, small ones, good days and bad days but one just gets past all the things because the friendship is important. We understand when our friend needs space, some gentle coaxing, some understanding and sometimes a patient hearing. If we let go without a fight is it then even worth calling friendship?

In the wake of a friendship lost, I allow myself to wonder if I am really responsible for all the chaos that is taking place is my life. Maybe I am the monster who is too idealist, too big a control freak, too moronish to wreck every relationship in my life, including the one relationship I valued. Why else would each and every person who has ever meant anything to me, say the same thing? Why would I keep losing anyone I have ever dared to love?

On the other hand, I feel emotionally paralyzed to even react, tears fill my eyes and fall with abandon when going gets tough, mind goes for a toss. A part of me wants to question if every moment spent smiling together, sharing, bonding ever meant anything? Because the cold blooded and precision with which I was snipped away, makes me feel that those moments were just a farce. I cant help but kick myself for trusting blindly and for being so naive to have allowed a person close enough to hurt me so much that going gets difficult. Maybe this is yet another lesson, yet another cross I have to carry.

I cant control how others choose to react but I can sure keep walking because breaking down has never been an option.

Wake up when September ends!

Today is just one of those days when nothing is going right. Tolerance level is zero. I am swinging from highs to lows. Alternating between being hurt, angry, resigning to the pain or being just disillusioned. Damn you! September why do I lose so much when you come along!

Pain slices through me, I let you go bit by bit, tears brim but never slip out. Breathing becomes difficult, as I see you around knowing this is one of the last time.. very last time. I memorize your smile, the way your lips curl up. I read the pain in your eyes, I know you are looking for a sign that I am hurting too, no there wont be any for you to see. No there wont be another time. I keep telling myself, it will stop hurting as I walk on, I will myself to go on; breaking down comes so easy but I know that is not an option I have. Sometimes all I really want to do is to curl up and die, willing the end to come. No I dont do that, I know I have to do this, go through this, because there is no option left. Some more strength God!

This month always brings with it heartache galore... if I am losing you.. I am also questioning who I have become or who I will be when you are gone. While I am losing you.. I am accommodating people in my life once again.. so is it a sign? Or just a survival tactic?

Some tears will remain unshed till you leave.. because you truly deserve a grand farewell  for all the good times we have had...

"Smile because it happened..don't cry because the good times are over, I celebrate because those good times happened!"

End.. the very end

It is all a game. You know there is an end. The journey till the end is what makes this journey unpredictable. You know the pain has to be endured. You know that tears can’t be shed. You know that the heart will be ripped apart. But what you don’t know is how much it will hurt, how much you have to go through till the end comes to you. Will the end then be rejoiced? The rules are the same; the funny part is you enter this game voluntarily. 

The vicious circle of illusion draws you in. You battle with yourself, as illusion and reality blinds you rendering you defenseless and disarming you of your better judgments. You cringe, you weep, you push the emotions away but the harder you strive to stay afloat, the deeper the pit gets, pulling you in. Mirage draws you closer for a hopeless, directionless tomorrow. You stumble, you fall, you reach out but reality seems far ahead.

As the end draws closer, you are almost thankful of the outcome. You know that it was good while it lasted but end is required, even celebrated and has to be accepted despite the painful consequence. The end was always there, just at a distance. The end that was dreaded once, was no longer feared but rejoiced now.

Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye Check the video out here

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody, I used to know
(Somebody) Now you're just somebody that I used to know
I used to know, that I used to know, I used to know somebody

Dreary shadows of silence

She lays still, facing the wall on her side. She could hear him breathe, watch a movie intently. She was lying next to the man who meant the world to her. The man for whom she had given up on everything that ever meant anything to her, yet today there was a disconnect. The closeness meant less or nothing to her, his indifference has struck home and she was tired of trying to make it work.The air always felt heavy, even the silence had become uncomfortable. 

Like before, she began her day kissing his forehead lovingly, spending a moment or two longer to see him peacefully  sleeping beside her. She knew that was the only moment he was the most peaceful, that sleeping moment he was hers. She never forgot even for once that soon it would be over. She choose to be a silent bystander because she knew her relationship had gone beyond repair, and that they had become strangers. The cold feeling had gripped her heart but her face never betrayed the turmoil inside.

She knew that someday soon he would wake up and she would not be the one beside him. She knew he would never feel her absence. She knew something’s would always elude her and she waited patiently for the end to come, the end was inevitable. Somewhere deep within the steely walls of her heart she knew that she had given him a part of her soul, something she would never be able to do with anyone. She found solace in the fact that she had loved and lost and that there were never going to be regrets.

Au revoir

There comes a time in our life when we see our life flash before us. In that moment we realize the truth of the situation we are in. All illusions falls apart, those lies we tell ourselves to feel good diminishes into nothingness. And you know it’s time to say goodbye. 

It was a normal argument which took an ugly turn. She felt anger course through her as she saw his face distort as he spew venom at her. She thought like every other fight this too shall pass but she had no clue how one argument would shatter the life she had painstakingly build.

“Whore!! I have never made you feel like one. But you are what you feel inside!” He spat

She trembled angrily and lunged forward. In one swift motion she whipped her palm across his face! It took him a second to recover from the shock of the slap. He rose from the couch, his hands firmly on her throat; he pushed her against the wall with all his might. She fell to her knees as she hit the cupboard, her knees hurt as tears pricked her eyes. She thought she was living a nightmare not realizing that the torture was not over yet. He was back within seconds, he yanked her hair and pulled her back on to her feet and threw her on the bed and strangled her.

As his hands gripped her throat in a vice like grip, she struggled hard to breathe. A dull ache in her head plunged her into a daze like state. She did not fight him. A part of her could not believe that it was the same man whom she loved with her very being who was hurting her. The guy who taught her how to love was the same man who was now hurting her so much that pain blinded her. She heard him saying, “How dare you hit me?! I will kill you. Yes you are a Whore!! You will always be one!” That moment she gave up, gave up on the love, gave up on the desire to live as the torture continued. One hand on her neck, and the other slapping her, she lost track of the number of times he smacked her across her face. She lay still, willing the end to come. It ended almost as soon as it began. A stunned silence reigned. It took her a few minutes to regain her breathing. Tears threatened to spill; broken dreams and shattered heart were all that was left. 

She remembered how he had once told her that she used tears to win an argument. Willing herself not to react, she tried to overcome the wooziness in her head, her eyes barely open, head throbbing painfully, she sat up, wiped the stray tears and made for the door, when a pair of arms stopped and embraced her.

For once she did not melt in the embrace. She did not bury her head in his chest and breathed in his scent as his warmth enveloped her. She recoiled, as if she has been possessed. She tried to tear herself away from him. His voice not registering in her head. She refused to even look at him. The more she begged him to let her go the more he tried to hold her close. All she wanted was to get away from him before he killed her, for her it was all over.

The more she tried to break away the tighter he hugged her. It took her a while to realize that he was not trying to harm her anymore, he was repentant. Tears came, sobs racked his body as she sat still as he hugged her, and not a tear trickled down her face. It took a while for his voice to reach her and there was no comfort. Nothing made the pain easier to bear. 

She knew what happened was in a fit of uncontrolled rage, she knew he did not want to harm her.  He would never have if she had not provoked him. But she knew it was over, they had crossed a line from which there was no return. Things would probably be normal but the scars would remain, as would the horrific memory of what happened, the love was lost forever. 

As tears rolled down his face, and he hung his head in shame, he sat cradling her, rocking her. She wanted to make him feel better, but she felt paralyzed unable to react. She knew all was not well, it never would be. She sat motionless as the tears turned into sobs, loud mournful ones, eyes begging for forgiveness. Hands touching her face tenderly, tracing the invisible scars that may have remained. There was not a single mark on her cheeks or on her throat but her soul was scarred. The realization shook her but the part of her that loved him wholeheartedly was anguished seeing his pain. Slowly, her she raised her arms slowly and hugged him close.

Only then did he break down. Her heart lurched, she hurt seeing him hurt. She rocked him, pacified him that it was fine, she forgave him. But she knew things had changed irrevocably. 

She had forgiven him the moment she had seen regret and repentance in his eyes but she could never live with the fact that loving him also meant giving up on who she was. 

Days later, Noyona pulled the door close behind her. She left her set of keys with the guard and instructed him to hand them over to Niel when he got home from work that evening.

                                                                             ~ *  ~

Movie Time

I have been watching a lot of movies of late. Blame it on the fact that summers are making my life unbearable in Delhi and lack of entertainment at home. So Saturday mornings, yes you read it right, I get up on time to go for the 10 am screening but before that a breakfast at MacD's is a must. Why morning show? Well it leaves the entire day free to do something creative, getting prime seats is easy and why forget its way affordable. I have been thinking of approaching the Cineplex owners to give me some sort of discount since I am a regular attendee there!! :) I thought what good is it if I dont get to write what I thought of the movie? So here goes some of the reviews of the movies I saw recently.

Shanghai Review

The much hyped movie from Shaghai released with the expectation soaring high. While the movie had some exceptional performance by Abhay Deol and Imran Hashmi, Kalki Kochlin failed to impress. Even Bengali superstar Prosenjit was not utilized to his full potential. Set amidst a political scene the movie was made well and cinematically was a good watch however it failed to make the desired impact. With this movie Dibakar Banerjee has proved that is a capable director who can handle the different genres of film making

My rating 3 and a half stars

Rock Of Ages Review

A musical which  features two of the prominent starts of Hollywood, Tom Cruise and Catherine Zeta Jones, the movie seemed to have garnered a lot of interest among cine goers much before its release. If you are the kind to love musicals then this movie is for you. What the movie lacks is a proper story line, as  it is as predictable as can be. The movie revolves around an aging rock star, a small town girl who loves rock, a young bartender, a journalist, the mayor’s wife, a prostitute, the scheming manager, and the two gay love birds who run the famous Bourbon Room Café. The movie is about the travails of these characters and how their lives entwine.

My rating 2 and a half stars

Ferrari Ki Sawari Review

This movie has been on ‘Must Watch’ list of all movie lovers for a long time. The movie is a feel good one, which leaves you with a happy feeling. The storyline is a tried and tested one. What works for the movie is the star cast, the very endearing Boman Irani and simple and lovable Sharman Joshi really played the Parsi father son duo to perfection and you tend to relate to them. The movie is good in patches, boosts your morale and it’s a movie that is for the family hence it is being much appreciated.

My rating 3 stars

What is Morality to You?!

What is morality to you? Is it something that your parents taught you or something that the society imposed? What really is morality?

Wikipedia states that "Morality (from the Latin moralitas "manner, character, proper behavior") is the differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are good (or right) and those that are bad (or wrong)."

So who decides what is wrong and what is right?? Is it our conscience or do our friends, family, society, workplace, peer group who decides for us? What is morality to you? 

 I am what I want to be. The world doesn't decide that for me.

Morality, and this is my personal view only, is the inherent feeling governed by a sense of right and wrong and differs from individual to individual. I don't allow people to govern my life, and what is moral to me may not be the same for you. Let us agree to disagree. After all isnt this a democratic world?

 Let us Agree to Disagree

Lets say your ideas of morality does not match mine? What do you do? Will you judge me? Will you tag me branding me "whore" "slut" or hurl any other obscenities at me? 



How do you call a person a slut? Let me guess, a person who sleeps around without any qualms about emotional entanglements, the person who one sleeps with changes with the change in season and sometimes faster than that and is often what we mean when we call a slut right? Then how is a slut different from a person who hops from a person to another, sleeps around with abandon and moves on not caring about the person left behind or the travails she/he goes through? Or does sleeping around for monetary benifit or for that promotion or extra favors that brands a person a slut? Would you consider a girl falling in love with say a married man and submitting herself completely to him, but moving away realizing the enormity of the situation not wanting to complicate things. So what comprises morality? Sleeping with people for the right reasons or sleeping with the right people?

Have opinions, let others have the space to have theirs

If you ask me, people have their own opinions, all of them are right, to each his own. But the point here is to not judge someone not knowing what made their situation is. You can only judge a person if you are his/her shoes. No two fingers in our hand is the same, how we react to a situation is different, depending upon the kind of person we are. We have a right to do what we want to our life but we donot have a right to judge or question the morality of another person. And if we dare to judge another soul, then we need to make sure we donot have have skeletons in our closet to be judged back as well. Spare a thought to the quote below and tell me What is Morality to you?

Don't judge me till you walk a mile in my shoes or live a day in my life.

I miss you a little

Has it ever happened to you, that you give your everything for a relationship or even a friendship and then you realize at a point how useless it all was? I know expectation is a bitch.. and you should never expect if you choose to be there for someone. I beg to differ, if you are a stranger to me, I will not expect anything from you. But if you are someone I consider close I will have basic exception from you, such as I will expect you to be polite and keep up the correspondence in an amicable manner.

Of late, I have lost almost every one of the handful of close friend I had. I have felt disconnected and let down by how they have been. While I donot judge them for their reasons for the fall out I do feel a sense of sadness at the void they have left behind... I do understand that there will be a time when you can cease to be close friends, or lovers but what happens to the friendship that was the foundation of the relationship? What happens to all those beautiful memories you both have made together? How can you walk away without a goodbye? How can you not try to make up? How can you give up on a friend who used to mean something to you? Its unpardonable if you ask me. While you cant do anything about it, you surely can cut these people out and try to move on and not hurt endlessly. Its better to have one true friend than to have tons of people you consider as friends, but who walk away the moment you need them the most. Heartache like these should be avoided at any cost. No one deserves your precious tears, because the one who loves you will never want to make you cry.

I am hurt today, but someday the pain will fade away. Someday I will have better judgement of a person's character, and I will make better friends. Till then, memories will remain...

I had come across this song called " I Miss You a Little" by John Michael Montgomery.. I love the song for the beautiful meaningful lyrics that has touched my heart time and again... nothing expresses my feelings better than this one. Attached is the lyrics if you want to sing along.. hope you enjoy it! :)

Sometimes a song can touch a nerve
That takes me back to you
When I pick up my old guitar
And I play your favorite tune

Every now and then, some little thing
I've buried comes bubblin' up
And once in a while, you feel close enough to touch

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

When I go by our old house
I pretend that you're still there
Waitin' for me on the porch
But there's just an empty chair

Wish I could see you just one more time
Before I drive away
So I could stop and go inside, and say

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often

A little more every day
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

Learning to let go..

Sometimes we come across a song that defines what we are going through in more ways than one...this is just one of those... its a beautiful song... it reflects the situation I'm in, more than the emotions. A relationship ends, you learn so much, more about yourself. Instead of fighting the pain the emotions ripping you apart, embracing the pain, making peace with it makes you realize that you have earned much more than you have ever lost. 

Sometimes its best it ended when it did, because it would be more painful if it continued. Sometimes you are just happy because he is where he belongs. No you dont want someone like him, he was unique, irreplaceable and will always be. Probably all you wish is that someday you learn to make peace, learn to let go of the pain and smile without flinching. You realize that love will live on, in its special way, in you, in your very existence. You will know it was good while it lasted. And that you had kept the promise to be brave, to let go without a fight when it was time to say goodbye. You will finally find being happy because he is happy and then with time, your will find new reasons to smile, to trust someone with your heart again...

Hope you enjoy the song...

Someone Like You

I heard that you're settled down

That you found a girl and you're married now.

I heard that your dreams came true.

Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, "

Yeah

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised

In a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Yeah

Nothing compares

No worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes

They are memories made.

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me, I beg

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,

Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

Yeah 

Happy Birthday Samik

Dear Samik...

I know I should have mailed, or found a way to wish you in person instead of putting out a post here. But considering how you wanted to end this, id restrict my thoughts to a private trusted corner of my being, just the way it is meant to be.

No its not all gone for me. I still feel for you and I just dont know how not to. Its been two years since we broke up, we have been in relationships since then. We somehow have managed to remain connected until recently.I always believed, that the kind of love we shared was unique, childlike, where we will always find our way back to each other, knowing that no matter what form our relationship takes, it is for keeps. It is not, i know now. I have conditioned my mind not to think of you, of how our life has been. I forced my mind to block you away. I constantly find myself angry at you, for not choosing to be around. I keep questioning the love you claim to have for me. I reason, that if you still claim to love me, then you would be around. I wish for a millionth time that you were around, because I love and miss you in my own way. I somehow feel that if you are there I will survive life and the mess I am in. But then I realize how selfish I am. I am sorry. I understand that you are not around and you wont be now on. I am not okay about it, but with time I will be.

I know what you have been through when I walked away, but I just want you to know that I tried my best. It didnt work out, I am sorry. But despite being committed to someone whom I consider my great love, i  never gave up on you. I thought you would do the same. Today two years have gone by, but you are important to me, just as you were once, the love has assumed a new form, but I have not been able to give up on those millions of memories we made together, the feeling of belonging to someone, the dreams of living a lifetime together.. these feelings have eluded me ever since we fell apart..

I know I am messed up, I am chasing an illusion. I have lost everything I had. But somewhere down the line I am happy for you, happy that you had the courage to end this, I would never have been able to do it. I'm glad that you choose a happy life for you sans any complications, as a friend nothing makes me more happy. I wish we dint have to fade into oblivion, i wish you were still around, there to hold me as the world shattered, but I know it would be wrong to ask that of you now.

I dint reach out because I know you want it that way. When you don't receive any communication from me, I know you will think I have moved on, that I don't care, but I do. More than you will know, more than I will ever be able to tell you. Just know today tomorrow, always, you will be there in my thoughts and prayers and I will be there somewhere hoping nothing but the best for you.

Happy Birthday GGCC

I love you, I always have and I always will in my crazy way,

P