Unconditional

Sometimes in life you come across someone who reminds you of you from a lost time. You recognize the same vulnerability, the confusion gnawing at the soul, the same torment that you have once experienced. From a younger version of you to the older and wiser one that you are now, you have been through it so when you see a loved one in a similar strife; you just try to ease it out by extending some understanding. You know some bridges need to be crossed by people themselves and you can but extend your support during the journey. Words would just help you cope, at least I hope mine does. To better times that is bound to be the sunlight piercing through the gloom.

Dear U,

You free spirited, social butterfly with the heart of gold; know that you embody the intrinsic values that make a person stand out. You, who is mature, kind, gorgeous, the heart of a party and the most sensible among peers. Acknowledge, embody and revel in the intrinsic goodness of being called U.

I write this to you for I want you to have this with you in writing if such a day comes when the world feels grey and nothing makes sense and yet you are unable to reach out for help. This will be there for you to remember and remind yourself that “You will be fine” and this too shall pass.

U, the society has skewed notions of right and wrong; acceptable and unacceptable. Do what you feel right even if it is grey. I may not have made the right choices in life; and I am definitely not telling you to follow my steps. I am merely telling you that a path exists beyond the “accepted” or the “approved” and you have to set your own rules and stick by it. 

Know that the only fear or apprehension you are allowed to have in life is when you are doing something your heart does not permit. And we are never going to debate on if what the heart feels or wants is wrong because the heart is often our soul talking. Allow yourself to make mistakes but deny yourself for allowing it to break or defeat you. Tell yourself no matter what you will not be trivial in life, be it your emotions, relationships or decisions in your life and everything else will work itself out; it will.

Know that when we go through a tough patch in life, we are sent companions to help get through it. Years later too there will be someone to help you through your then reality; be it me or someone else; so allow help to come through and let it bail you out. Because it’s easier to believe someone else than yourself because the mind plays tricks.

Remember, when we are put through strife we are also given the strength to get through it.

This too shall pass. Take heart my love, there will be a time when we will laugh at this, but never about what we felt.

I’m going to be your standby from now on. Always.

Lots of love
R

Grateful

They came into my life when I had least expected it. Like a dream, things fell into place and suddenly there they were, enveloping me in their warmth, filling my life with a lot of fun and teaching me to reclaim life the way I had always known it to be.

 

Maybe this is how friendship is. For as long as this may last, I am grateful.

Roots

What makes us the person we are? Is it the education? is it a place of belonging? Is it people? Or a place or the background we are born and brought up in? A little bit of everything I guess.


I guess as we grow older, away from roots or life as we were used to, meet newer people from diverse background, we move far ahead of time than what could have ever conceptualize that we stop to take a breath to feel, to let our reality sink in. At least this happened with me. Moving away from home, away from people I thought were my people, away from a place I call my motherland; I found my roots calling me ever so prominently.


Roots, those invisible bonds that tie you back to those little things that make up most of your being. Being away from all things familiar I keep my roots alive in the smallest of things; like making food the way I grew up having, incorporating lil nuances like the concshell in the temple, or trying hard to never forget everything that mattered something to me.


Sometimes all you can do is try, try to preserve your roots and not let time corrode it. To keep the fire simmering but not letting it burn you down. Someday I hope to pass it down, to recreate the beautiful ways that made me more than what I am, the soul rich in experience something that money can never compensate. Someday my little one, will experience it as if it is a way of life and not just as yet another experience to have.


Someday home will not be such a painful emotion.

30

Three decades on this planet does feel like a lot. I try and be happy or think about all the happy things that have happened in an attempt to be happy; but somehow I find it hard to recall (not because they donot exist but maybe the memories were not happy enough to be remembered) Nonetheless, I know even if momentarily I was happy. Be it getting a job, be it meeting my soulmate, be it making new friends or owning my car.

The thing with turning a year older is, I feel like I have lost time, I feel more alone than I have ever felt, I feel there is a sense of futility to this entire existence. It seems crazy but at the face of being 'settled in life' I have no one to call my own. I have material comforts but nothing that truly pleases me. I have family and people but none to call my own.

30, so many years on this planet yet none to cherish. There is a ring of finality, like there is no option but to grow up, to face your fate; live to inch closer to the end. Like there will be adult things I will not be able to overlook, duties that I will have to comply to, like this life will be about others and officially no longer mine, the fire that burns rebelliously to prove its individuality will eventually be extinguished and domesticated. A life which will be more about others and less about me.

I know not everything has to be a particular way because it is the norm. But at the face of rebellion, the disintegration is imminent even if slow. no amount of broad thinking, understanding partner or progressive society can stall the corrosion. Freedom, independence, equality are but jargons; words of consolation to appease the fire in you, until it can be eventually tamed and extinguished.

I say this not out of anger or reproach but as a sad acknowledgement. How many times have our mothers put their husbands, their kids to the forefront and forgotten their own needs, happiness or their own voice? How many times have they managed to retain their own identity and not be known as a wife or a mother? Few and rare times. How many times have their pursed their lips, taken things in their stride, muffled the voices that seemed to be loud enough to be heard? How many times have others stepped up / ahead taking into their stride her inability or failings? This is a fate we all have seen, turned away refusing to accept or fight so hard to push back but for a day, on her birthday. What happens when the day is over? 'Take her for granted' comes back in to the everyday life.

Pardon me, I donot want to sound cynical. Maybe I do, but importantly, i am but just stating the obvious. I am a positive person and would like to see the bright side but one must call a spade a spade; makes reality a bit more bearable instead of building an alternate reality.

What this new decade will unfurl I will but have to wait and see. But for the entire decade and more (11 years) of this blog being a part of my journey, for seeing me through some of the toughest times of my life, for keeping me sane, for being my only outlet! I am grateful!

This 30th year, I promise myself to find reasons to be happy than sad, to never indulge in my darkness, to take life as it comes. This 30, will be about healing!

Frayed bonds..

It is one of those days, I'm plugged to some amazing music. Music that takes me back in time to a part of my life which now seems light years away and puts me in a pensive, reflective mood. But of course there are other factors which contribute to this mood, like the fact that two important people in my journey of life is now quite present by way of communication.


Friendship has a way of coming back. Maybe it is one of the only ways how some people can be in your life despite the history you share. Maybe that is way the reappearance of S & HIM has been a welcome. It will be left to see if this will be yet another cause of heartache but I do believe in the essential goodness of people. Taking a leap of faith here, if I were to be proven wrong I'd know I tried.


Few days back S reached out to me out of the blue to talk. I don't know what propelled him to place that call but in some ways I was truly happy that he did. After all we had such amazing history and it is a pity we had to give up that friendship. Maybe we will take those baby steps to be in touch and maybe, just maybe we end up rekindling the friendship. What makes me jittery is that I see him contemplate what we were, regretting not making it work and constantly comparing his present to his past, which is unfair. We were young, carefree and probably at that point we had an impactful relationship. But times have changed since then, we are happy and settled in our lives now.


HIM, well we do our tiny bits of conversations now and then but nothing to write about. However brief the conversations are, I try and connect to my intellectual solace that he was to me. I crave for our length conversations, I crave for him to be there to understand what I am going through but that never happens. And the person that I have now become, understands and recognizes and makes peace with what I can never get.


Must all lovers die when their relationship ends? I'd rather evolve it to friendship but I do understand that it is easier said than done. Maybe you truly need to heal to be able to start afresh keeping the history behind. Maybe I have done my healing hence despite being reminded of my painful past I can choose to look beyond it to be there to be friends.


In life we rarely meet people whom we connect with, and if we do, can we just take them along in our journey of life?

Gender Equality And All That Jazz

Okay it's about 9:24 am and I am having a bad day. Yes already! Running a temperature, sore throat and body ready to give up. So why am I not home? Well because a women gets less care and attention as compared to a guy. When the guy falls sick you are all over him, running his errands, attending to his whims and fancies, giving him to care to nurse him back to life. What happens when it is you? You do get the words, but never the recognition. I hate to generalise, I hate it, I find this attitude regressive but if I am honest to my self, I know it is a reality I am in. So this is going to turn into a rant but I guess I am allowed a rant once in a while right?

Gender inequality is totally a thing, let not anyone tell you otherwise. Just think of it, no one really turns around and scolds, okay even realizes that you haven't eaten breakfast but you, the nurturer always notice the little things, you feel guilty for not being around enough, to shower your love enough, to be there, you feel guilty even for the times, you genuinely can't be there for people. But men? They are a strange creature, even the best of them. I know there are exceptions and I am happy for those who are lucky to have these exceptions in life. But mostly men, are 'takers' or maybe the ones in my life have always been takers, or maybe i am too much of a giver.

Isn't it strange how times have evolved now? People are warming up to the fact that women have careers and they contribute to life and lifestyle of a family, but they equality turn a blind eye to her taking up more than her share of work at home, be it cooking, cleaning, providing, or just helping others doing their thing.

Maybe it is a bad day, but maybe most women go through this, never say much and take it in their stride. maybe it is just me, maybe but maybe not! 

Disillusioned

How you do it?
Pick yourself up
time and again.
To resolve
To fight harder
To never give up?

Days turn into weeks
And then to months
And years.
Struggles remain
Magnitude change and
With it the pain.

Rejection,
Hurt
Anguish
Wallowing in self pity
How do you do it?
Pick yourself up
Resolving to
Start from scratch
once again?

Reunion

If you told me even a year back that there would be a time when we would meet, healed or pretending to have healed from the ravages of our past, as normal people would meet their loved one, be a friend or a colleague; I'd have disbelieved you. I still cannot overcome the overwhelming feeling that comes associated with the fact that we met, a lil over 3 years later, damaged, alive and willing to preserve our bond given just how drastically our lives have changed. You have welcomed the lil one in your life and I have found my copilot for life.. We have moved on but we found reasons to reconnect; can't thank God enough for this.


This is what I wrote in Jan 2015, which now seems eons away...

" Sometimes I really wish to secure sometime for me and you and talk my heart out and tell you things the way they are with me. But there is just so much history that I dont think we can get past to be there for each other. And if someday we could, I'd tell you that I long for the you I had fallen in love with, I miss my soulmate and more than which I miss our conversations, those hugs that made me feel secure and the life that was ours.
Life has changed, we have moved on but must we give up on the love that fueled our soul?"

I don't know how we did this, how did we convert your popping in and out of my life every few quarters to an almost believable more reliable once in a while correspondence? How did I manage to confide in you about the changes in my life? My struggles and shortcomings and you heard me out and was there. How did we manage to convert our telephone conversations to that one historic meeting? It is nothing short of a miracle for me and something I am tremendously grateful for, as it healed me and I probably found You anew in a way I know I will never lose You. 

The past few days has been about rewinding events as they happened and I stopped short because this is exactly what I used to do before as if to memorize everything just the way it happened, lest I forget and it made me really sad. The fear of losing, of running out of time, of not being around You have damaged me in ways that I had not anticipated. That wave when you first spotted me, of the way you kept looking at my face as I spoke to you, more animated than my usual self trying to make you believe that I had not changed over time, to preserve what is remaining of what was just ours. But what mattered most to me was, when we left the cafe the other day I knew we had forged something which we will never shy of admitting, something that is more durable and more true.

To a new innings...

Diwali

This weekend has been about setting the home in order and prepping up for Diwali and a lot of memories came tumbling out and hence the reflective mood.

Diwali has been somewhat a time for family but not that big with Bongs hence I always found myself without a plan and often friendless. My Diwali celebrations during the years away from home has been about visiting Vaidu in Mumbai, this was my time with her, with a generous dose of practicality and reality check thrown in. It also meant to feel left out, to feel unwanted, the feeling of not fitting in. But then V happened and life turned out. He stepped in to make my home feel complete with smallest of traditions and until life finally threw us together.

Diwali now means planning weeks in advance, to putting up lights up together, to plan lil gifts and planning for puja at home. No matter how much I crib about the lack of emotional intensity (all are misplaced notions) I know its there, just that there is a different facet to things now. Sometimes you dont need a burning fire as a proof of emotions, because sometimes that fire burns you down completely. And sometimes, you meet someone who is like glowing embers which you mistake for not being there but it is there, burning slowly and steadily keeping you warm, inside out.

I may not say it as much, but that hand gripping the ladder tightly as I reach out to fix the lights, or that constant loud conversations across rooms to check on where I am and what I am up to is strangely comforting and reassuring. Festivities are not just about continuing with accepted rituals but it is also about starting something new, together.

This festivities, start a new tradition.

Happy Diwali 

#MarriedNotBranded

I read this tweet by Twinkle Khanna and I think no one has pegged the topic with so few words. This is one of those things which is a trigger to me. No one told me, I did not discuss it with my better half and surely I had never really thought for myself what is it that I will look like, or feel like, or act like when I am married. Hence maybe I found the ‘married tag’ so difficult to deal with.

For the first six months, I became the dutiful daughter in law, being dressed in traditional on our weekends at home. While I was happy to do it, I cringed along the way. Until a major meltdown happened on totally unconnected thing, when I realized I hate being branded. Maybe that is why I never really even contemplated a name change post marriage. Did not think twice about contributing at home, doing my thing or actually put my point across emphatically (though at times not really required) that I will always be a working woman and mom eventually.

Much along the lines of what MrsFunnyBones said, being is not about being branded. Do I need tell a tale signs of being married to be or feel married I don’t think so! Took me a while to get here but nevertheless here I am knowing what I like and what I don’t. there is no set rules to go by here but something that feels right to you, just one thing, that one has to be supremely cautious not to hurt sentiments but manage them effectively while putting one’s thoughts ahead.