Dear You,
You must be tired, exhausted, mentally drained, but do you know how strong you really are? All those times when giving felt tough you gave some more. Times when you felt hurt and angry but you kept the smile on. Disappointed, dejected and subdued but you kept going. Do you know how terribly bold and courageous you have been? No you are not told this often. But you need to know that is tremendous that you do and the way you make things possible, that undying energy, the spark of life, the zest to make it all work! It's great, take my words for it!
This has been an important year of your life. You came to re look at relationships anew. You got into a major relationship, which will now mark the course of your life. You found new people, you lost old friends, you gained them back and then got to know existing relationships in a new way. You have been confused, angry, hurt, your heart has been filled with longing, with want for some guidance, love and some old fashion care.
You learned to forgive yourself before you try and forgive others. It's okay you have not been able to do what you are supposed to do. There is always a next time. But don't slow now and remember the mistakes as scars. While you forgive and understand others, make sure you start with yourself.
You, a new phase is about to begin in your new life! Embrace it and not go toward it like an impending task! THIS PHASE OF YOUR LIFE IS JUST YOURS TO CELEBRATE. Dont let the past cloud your mind & heart. Look ahead, for future lies there.
Saturday, January 02, 2016
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Do you?
How do you do it?
Do what you are supposed to do
When your heart or mind is not in it.
Do you do it still?
How did you cope with the unfulfilling feeling
that tears the heart apart?
That constant comparison
Between what was and what is not
What is supposed to be,
What is not what you actually wanted?
Do you also blink away the tears
when memories come haunting?
Do you turn away your face
Lest it betrays your emotions.
Do you also try and replace
The vacant look with a meaningful one
Do you too, wish that ahappy thought
Was there to stay?
Do you also, wish that it stopped
Meaning quite as much?
Do you too, try to make the present
Worth the while, as long as it lasts?
Do you too, long for those times
We have left behind.
Do you too long for those conversations
That left you happy and fulfilled?
Or that one look
That conveyed what words were never needed?
Do you love me still
In some forgotten part of your life
Like I do?
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Do you mourn the void
What was once our world?
I guess not.
Do what you are supposed to do
When your heart or mind is not in it.
Do you do it still?
How did you cope with the unfulfilling feeling
that tears the heart apart?
That constant comparison
Between what was and what is not
What is supposed to be,
What is not what you actually wanted?
Do you also blink away the tears
when memories come haunting?
Do you turn away your face
Lest it betrays your emotions.
Do you also try and replace
The vacant look with a meaningful one
Do you too, wish that ahappy thought
Was there to stay?
Do you also, wish that it stopped
Meaning quite as much?
Do you too, try to make the present
Worth the while, as long as it lasts?
Do you too, long for those times
We have left behind.
Do you too long for those conversations
That left you happy and fulfilled?
Or that one look
That conveyed what words were never needed?
Do you love me still
In some forgotten part of your life
Like I do?
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Do you mourn the void
What was once our world?
I guess not.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Torment
“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”
- Warsan Shire
Time to time this quote comes back to haunt me. The questions that are there in my subconscious makes its presence felt. When I look back to the relationships I have had, the equations I had shared with each person, the takeaway from each of them I am left with a sense of massive loss. Loss because I have loved and lost so much, even when I was the one walking away. I had this sense of disappointment from each of these men who never really valued me while I was still around, never really took me seriously until I decided to walk away. All these men were wonderful, caring and genuinely wonderful human being but all lacked conviction when it came to me. Which brings me to the realization, that if all the men had a common flaw when it came to me must be something I did that made them all react the way they did. What else could prove their lack of conviction?
While one was intimidated by the woman I was slowly becoming, the other did not love me enough to keep me forever and one who had me forever did not want to do anything to keep there or make me his! What am I to make of this? Where did I go wrong? Did I not love enough? Did I trample on their ego making them feel inadequate? Was I never good enough?
Why do I have this nagging feeling that I am not meant for domesticity? Or the fact that I am a perfectionist will turn my loved ones away or that I may just end up with myself and really better by those who have let me down? Why is expecting someone to love you as much as you do so wrong? Isn't it strange that we are not supposed to talk about things that disappoint us, that let us down, that kill us from inside; lest it gives an ill impression of people who make us suffer, people with whom we are bound to. So like this we are destined to suffer.
Guess the only solution to this is to retreat to self, keep problems to myself and trudge along until life runs out..
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Rest in pieces
I've written this post a few times and left them mid way. Each time I wrote somehow a lot of time had gone by and the emotions had changed too.
It has been an year since I lost the most important person in my life, truly and completely. A year of never meeting but those occasional calls. There seems to be a void and dull ache. I have come to terms with my new life without him, with a new addition whom I have learned to value, new changes that I am still getting use to. If I am honest, I know I am not over Him, but I am not hungover either. I have just accepted that there will be days when I will long for those conversations, for that one glimpse in a familiar place but everyday his thought would occur, shadow me in everything I did throughout the day.
As I look back, I can't believe that this can happen, when there are no tangible links between us. We do miss each other (I would love to believe this) but there is no need for each others presence. But not being a part of each others life makes me really sad and intensifies the hurt caused by the realization that everything has a date for expiry and this is one of them! I thought we were special.
A year later I no longer need company, I donot need to be understood, to be validated, to be loved, that I am is a bonus. A year later I am more stoic, I am more collected, I measure my words more, I can put up facades and I have learned 'perfect' is perfectly imperfect and I have learned that there are times in life you have submit and compromise; for you don't get everything that you love.
A year later I am not His anymore, I am more mine and I am more his who thought I was worthy to be his better half. I wear his ring proudly, I smile seeing his protective hand on my arm, I have learned to tame my demons, to fight the apprehensions, to give in graciously to domesticity. No i am not perfect, there are too many damaged parts, too many lil compromises, too many changes, too much of getting used to in my new life but this is it, for better or for worse!
A year and I have learned to survive and move ahead without any emotional crutches!
It has been an year since I lost the most important person in my life, truly and completely. A year of never meeting but those occasional calls. There seems to be a void and dull ache. I have come to terms with my new life without him, with a new addition whom I have learned to value, new changes that I am still getting use to. If I am honest, I know I am not over Him, but I am not hungover either. I have just accepted that there will be days when I will long for those conversations, for that one glimpse in a familiar place but everyday his thought would occur, shadow me in everything I did throughout the day.
As I look back, I can't believe that this can happen, when there are no tangible links between us. We do miss each other (I would love to believe this) but there is no need for each others presence. But not being a part of each others life makes me really sad and intensifies the hurt caused by the realization that everything has a date for expiry and this is one of them! I thought we were special.
A year later I no longer need company, I donot need to be understood, to be validated, to be loved, that I am is a bonus. A year later I am more stoic, I am more collected, I measure my words more, I can put up facades and I have learned 'perfect' is perfectly imperfect and I have learned that there are times in life you have submit and compromise; for you don't get everything that you love.
A year later I am not His anymore, I am more mine and I am more his who thought I was worthy to be his better half. I wear his ring proudly, I smile seeing his protective hand on my arm, I have learned to tame my demons, to fight the apprehensions, to give in graciously to domesticity. No i am not perfect, there are too many damaged parts, too many lil compromises, too many changes, too much of getting used to in my new life but this is it, for better or for worse!
A year and I have learned to survive and move ahead without any emotional crutches!
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Winter rains and stench of nostalgia
Woke up this morning from two back to back dreams of you. It was a happy morning. There are times I know I shouldnt be thinking of you the way I used to, after all life has moved on for both of us but I look over my shoulder more often than I should, guiltily but I cant stop.
My belief in signs puts me in so much of heartache at times. Like yesterday, in at least 6 occasions your name came in front of me, be it a tweet by your namesake or a random flyer that flew on my face. I smiled, I felt that the universe was conspiring against me. It pushed me to remember two random things and the longing intensified. I remember how I used to hate going to work during my initial days in Delhi and on quite a few mornings a harmless peck would definitely get me late and not once did I have any regrets. Then those evenings I'd return home to see you in the kitchen sweating it out while making dinner. Now that I look back I am filled with so much of love and gratitude. Will there be anyone who will love me quite the way you did? Even I know the answer, maybe that is why you are and will always be my soulmate.
Sometimes I really wish to secure sometime for me and you and talk my heart out and tell you things the way they are with me. But there is just so much history that I dont think we can get past to be there for each other. And if someday we could, I'd tell you that I long for the you I had fallen in love with, I miss my soulmate and more than which I miss our conversations, those hugs that made me feel secure and the life that was ours.
Life has changed, we have moved on but must we give up on the love that fueled our soul?
My belief in signs puts me in so much of heartache at times. Like yesterday, in at least 6 occasions your name came in front of me, be it a tweet by your namesake or a random flyer that flew on my face. I smiled, I felt that the universe was conspiring against me. It pushed me to remember two random things and the longing intensified. I remember how I used to hate going to work during my initial days in Delhi and on quite a few mornings a harmless peck would definitely get me late and not once did I have any regrets. Then those evenings I'd return home to see you in the kitchen sweating it out while making dinner. Now that I look back I am filled with so much of love and gratitude. Will there be anyone who will love me quite the way you did? Even I know the answer, maybe that is why you are and will always be my soulmate.
Sometimes I really wish to secure sometime for me and you and talk my heart out and tell you things the way they are with me. But there is just so much history that I dont think we can get past to be there for each other. And if someday we could, I'd tell you that I long for the you I had fallen in love with, I miss my soulmate and more than which I miss our conversations, those hugs that made me feel secure and the life that was ours.
Life has changed, we have moved on but must we give up on the love that fueled our soul?
Monday, December 01, 2014
Of letters that are written but are never sent
Dear You,
I write to you often, most of these mails remain in the draft section of my mails only to be deleted months later. I talk to you too almost everyday. Though I must admit I have slowly stopped talking to you all the time. Was it a conscious decision? No but it happened as slowly the consciousness accepted that you are gone, maybe for good.
You, it has been a really tough 6 months. I have been close to you, at times frightfully close, being forced to relive our old life. I willed myself to breathe and get past the time. It was crazy you know. There was a time when I half suspected that God was playing such cruel games with me. But I learned to not wait for your call, not wait for some sick coincidence where I'd bump into you (I reckon that this happens only in movies) but I have started believing that like everyone else you abandoned me and slipped into oblivion like everyone else. No I donot have a grudge against you, I essentially believe it is good for you and eventually for me. Just that somehow its hard to believe that we dont talk or communicate anymore, its a sad feeling because i 'believed' that we would be connected somehow throughout our lives. This has honestly made me a bit cynical and skeptical about people and relationships and i admit i often believe the worst of people, not something I would do at one time. No you are not blamed but me, eventually life took its toll.
You know I have suffered major depression and so much going on I have done drastic things the intensity of things struck me only later. But I am proud I did not let my rash, impulsive actions and decisions leave behind yet another blotch in my life. I chose to take a day at a time and slowly I learned to value, appreciate and accommodate these new changes. It was really tough you know, I kept comparing, slighting, pretending and then breaking down until I genuinely gave life a chance. It drove me to despair but I guess the heart recognizes affection when it sees it coming from a person who genuinely cares about you. No life is not perfect, every day is a compromise until there comes a day when its not a compromise but genuine affection. Life has its rude and ruthless way to make you accept that you can only try and steer your life your way but what has been planned will happen anyway.
I am grateful to be around someone who knows me and its eerie at times. He reads through my expressions and knows exactly what i am feeling, even if these feelings are not directed at him and he pardons me for the same. I guess it takes courage to love someone when you know the same intensity of love is not returned, I have been there so I know and so maybe I value what I get because i am broken, less than complete but i am enough for someone, this keeps me going. I am grateful for recognition I am finally getting, the dignity of being which I have been denied. No life is less than perfect but for now till I learn to turn over a new leaf, this will do.
I miss you, i do. Truly madly deeply but I know when I am abandoned and I know enough not to look back because if this was as good as I had always believed it to be, it would have been there and not vanished into nothingness. You know, the only thing that has been constant is when I picture your face and I can also see you smile, and image you laugh, that gurgle of laughter that reflects in the twinkle in your eyes; I feel a strange sense of happiness fill my heart. I know no matter where you are, you are trying to be happy and that is enough. I am doing the same too. I falter but I trudge along, just wish you were there to talk to, to feel alive. But I have realized you cant go back to the person as a mere friend whom you have loved with all your being, so I accept that you wont be around rather grudgingly. When I look back I feel grateful to have met you, to live a fulfilling life. My life has changed forever but I am glad I met you, you are the best thing that happened to me, both good and bad! I loved, I learned and I have lived life the best way I could and I donot have regrets.
In the past 6 months, I have learned to live without you, I wish I could unlove you, life would have been simpler. But love heals and maybe eventually i will be a new person, not as I used to be when you were around but enough to live a life I truly desire & deserve. I have come to believe that you cant love, no two people the same way or with the same intensity! Doesnt mean it is not love!
Thank you for truly loving me and teaching me the importance of love, it makes me value the one who has loved me despite my million shortcomings.
Thank you for the memories.
I write to you often, most of these mails remain in the draft section of my mails only to be deleted months later. I talk to you too almost everyday. Though I must admit I have slowly stopped talking to you all the time. Was it a conscious decision? No but it happened as slowly the consciousness accepted that you are gone, maybe for good.
You, it has been a really tough 6 months. I have been close to you, at times frightfully close, being forced to relive our old life. I willed myself to breathe and get past the time. It was crazy you know. There was a time when I half suspected that God was playing such cruel games with me. But I learned to not wait for your call, not wait for some sick coincidence where I'd bump into you (I reckon that this happens only in movies) but I have started believing that like everyone else you abandoned me and slipped into oblivion like everyone else. No I donot have a grudge against you, I essentially believe it is good for you and eventually for me. Just that somehow its hard to believe that we dont talk or communicate anymore, its a sad feeling because i 'believed' that we would be connected somehow throughout our lives. This has honestly made me a bit cynical and skeptical about people and relationships and i admit i often believe the worst of people, not something I would do at one time. No you are not blamed but me, eventually life took its toll.
You know I have suffered major depression and so much going on I have done drastic things the intensity of things struck me only later. But I am proud I did not let my rash, impulsive actions and decisions leave behind yet another blotch in my life. I chose to take a day at a time and slowly I learned to value, appreciate and accommodate these new changes. It was really tough you know, I kept comparing, slighting, pretending and then breaking down until I genuinely gave life a chance. It drove me to despair but I guess the heart recognizes affection when it sees it coming from a person who genuinely cares about you. No life is not perfect, every day is a compromise until there comes a day when its not a compromise but genuine affection. Life has its rude and ruthless way to make you accept that you can only try and steer your life your way but what has been planned will happen anyway.
I am grateful to be around someone who knows me and its eerie at times. He reads through my expressions and knows exactly what i am feeling, even if these feelings are not directed at him and he pardons me for the same. I guess it takes courage to love someone when you know the same intensity of love is not returned, I have been there so I know and so maybe I value what I get because i am broken, less than complete but i am enough for someone, this keeps me going. I am grateful for recognition I am finally getting, the dignity of being which I have been denied. No life is less than perfect but for now till I learn to turn over a new leaf, this will do.
I miss you, i do. Truly madly deeply but I know when I am abandoned and I know enough not to look back because if this was as good as I had always believed it to be, it would have been there and not vanished into nothingness. You know, the only thing that has been constant is when I picture your face and I can also see you smile, and image you laugh, that gurgle of laughter that reflects in the twinkle in your eyes; I feel a strange sense of happiness fill my heart. I know no matter where you are, you are trying to be happy and that is enough. I am doing the same too. I falter but I trudge along, just wish you were there to talk to, to feel alive. But I have realized you cant go back to the person as a mere friend whom you have loved with all your being, so I accept that you wont be around rather grudgingly. When I look back I feel grateful to have met you, to live a fulfilling life. My life has changed forever but I am glad I met you, you are the best thing that happened to me, both good and bad! I loved, I learned and I have lived life the best way I could and I donot have regrets.
In the past 6 months, I have learned to live without you, I wish I could unlove you, life would have been simpler. But love heals and maybe eventually i will be a new person, not as I used to be when you were around but enough to live a life I truly desire & deserve. I have come to believe that you cant love, no two people the same way or with the same intensity! Doesnt mean it is not love!
Thank you for truly loving me and teaching me the importance of love, it makes me value the one who has loved me despite my million shortcomings.
Thank you for the memories.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Crash, burn and trudge along
It's been 4 months since the last nail on the coffin was hammered. And life has moved ahead at lightening speed. The health scares, the impulsive & rash decisions, the burning feeling that eats me inside out. Yet not once has the heart even felt upset for the one the heart loves and longs despite the wrongs done.
I know life has moved on for the one the heart longs for and the heart can't but be happy for him. Yet somewhere it has pushed me to be rash, giving rise to experiences that brands a new wound on my skin every time. Attempts to be happy, to just see the happier & brighter side is constant, sometimes it's natural sometimes the fake smiles brings forth the sudden tears.
So this is how it feels living a hollow existence feels?! I feel guilty and horrible for leading a dual existence! I shudder to think that this is for life! Should I feel sorry for my pretentious life and attempts to be happy while burning inside or should I feel guilty of not really giving my all to the one who has been a source of support! I'm doing exactly what I've detested, what I have been subject to before! I try to do things differently, I go halfway, falter and then try harder, the hurt hurting some more. I pray that this becomes life, I try to uncry those tears, I try to not compare everything to him, I try to forget but I'm reduced to a me I don't recognise anymore.
I tell myself that many like me lead such a life but I hate the stench of disloyalty! When those angry tears roll down my face I'm just grateful for the darkness that masks my face. Sometimes I'm grateful for the affection that comes my way it makes me forget the void of loneliness even if momentarily.
I'm happy that he is happy and I wonder at myself for being capable of so much love still.. It breaks me. Funny how love that burns me alive, is the same love that shimmers without a trace and it is also the source of all things that is so wrong with my life.
While I battle out illness, new life, the facades that I now live; there is a prayer which is almost a plea for it stop hurting, stop the love and stop the longing. Till then I keep trudging, because that is what is expected of me. So what happens to what I want? Who am I anyway?
I know life has moved on for the one the heart longs for and the heart can't but be happy for him. Yet somewhere it has pushed me to be rash, giving rise to experiences that brands a new wound on my skin every time. Attempts to be happy, to just see the happier & brighter side is constant, sometimes it's natural sometimes the fake smiles brings forth the sudden tears.
So this is how it feels living a hollow existence feels?! I feel guilty and horrible for leading a dual existence! I shudder to think that this is for life! Should I feel sorry for my pretentious life and attempts to be happy while burning inside or should I feel guilty of not really giving my all to the one who has been a source of support! I'm doing exactly what I've detested, what I have been subject to before! I try to do things differently, I go halfway, falter and then try harder, the hurt hurting some more. I pray that this becomes life, I try to uncry those tears, I try to not compare everything to him, I try to forget but I'm reduced to a me I don't recognise anymore.
I tell myself that many like me lead such a life but I hate the stench of disloyalty! When those angry tears roll down my face I'm just grateful for the darkness that masks my face. Sometimes I'm grateful for the affection that comes my way it makes me forget the void of loneliness even if momentarily.
I'm happy that he is happy and I wonder at myself for being capable of so much love still.. It breaks me. Funny how love that burns me alive, is the same love that shimmers without a trace and it is also the source of all things that is so wrong with my life.
While I battle out illness, new life, the facades that I now live; there is a prayer which is almost a plea for it stop hurting, stop the love and stop the longing. Till then I keep trudging, because that is what is expected of me. So what happens to what I want? Who am I anyway?
Monday, June 30, 2014
Have tried not to come back to this place with the negativity but then realized I dont have anyone to turn to anymore for comfort and the only person who i still need for comfort is the one person i can never turn to.
Life is getting stranger by the day but the only thing that remains constant is the longing for that someone who still defines the great love for me. Most of the time I go with the flow and do things the way it is done, sometimes i have fun but predominately His is that one thought that stays. Its like a cyclical mess, you miss someone dearly, you reminisce the good times, you sink into pits of despair, you remember the hurtful things he has said or done, you remember the gyaan your friends have given, you realize that maybe the distance is good, it will help him get back to his reality, then you remember his reality, feel charred and try moving on and then breakdown only to realize you cant stop for you have a life to lead and then you end up loving that someone despite the pain, despite the reality knowing that he owns a part of your soul like no other!
While I hurt, long and I wish to turn back time until tears blur the vision and breathing becomes difficult. I plunge myself into life, i socialize and amidst the chaos I find it hard to breathe. I question why I cant have him in life with others around, then I know why not, i know it would be painful for him and for me too eventually; so i stop being selfish and not reach out. Maybe he has forgotten me, may be he does not think of me any more. Maybe he has learnt to smile again and then I remember him smile and I know I'd be happy if he was, maybe he is not happy now but someday it will.
I trudge along, live life the way I have always wanted to. I travel, I read, I laugh and then every now and then he is there, in my thoughts, secure in my heart and sometimes away from prying eyes tears stream unabashedly. I know missing Him will be a part of my life. There will always be those conversations we will never have, those smiles we will never smile together, those hugs we will never melt into. Because this is life and shit happens.
Life is getting stranger by the day but the only thing that remains constant is the longing for that someone who still defines the great love for me. Most of the time I go with the flow and do things the way it is done, sometimes i have fun but predominately His is that one thought that stays. Its like a cyclical mess, you miss someone dearly, you reminisce the good times, you sink into pits of despair, you remember the hurtful things he has said or done, you remember the gyaan your friends have given, you realize that maybe the distance is good, it will help him get back to his reality, then you remember his reality, feel charred and try moving on and then breakdown only to realize you cant stop for you have a life to lead and then you end up loving that someone despite the pain, despite the reality knowing that he owns a part of your soul like no other!
While I hurt, long and I wish to turn back time until tears blur the vision and breathing becomes difficult. I plunge myself into life, i socialize and amidst the chaos I find it hard to breathe. I question why I cant have him in life with others around, then I know why not, i know it would be painful for him and for me too eventually; so i stop being selfish and not reach out. Maybe he has forgotten me, may be he does not think of me any more. Maybe he has learnt to smile again and then I remember him smile and I know I'd be happy if he was, maybe he is not happy now but someday it will.
I trudge along, live life the way I have always wanted to. I travel, I read, I laugh and then every now and then he is there, in my thoughts, secure in my heart and sometimes away from prying eyes tears stream unabashedly. I know missing Him will be a part of my life. There will always be those conversations we will never have, those smiles we will never smile together, those hugs we will never melt into. Because this is life and shit happens.
Friday, June 13, 2014
“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”
― Warsan Shire
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”
― Warsan Shire
Monday, May 12, 2014
You & Me, what will always be!
I wonder why I even write here anymore when I dont know if anyone reads me, or do I want anyone to? But I know I do get back here every so often when I want to share, to talk even if to myself.
May be there will always be some feelings that you are never meant to get over, no matter where you are placed in life and how much you have evolved. That one person, the thoughts of whom turns your insides into mush, and if you let your mind wander even if for a fraction of a second, it all comes rushing back. Those tiniest of things, like how it felt to feel his lips on yours, how a mere touch would turn your world upside down. Memories of those nights of being hugged tightly even in sleep that used to make you feel comforted, loved and complete; tears catches you unawares and stream down; irrespective of where you are. You blink them away and long and hurt some more and yet the feeling just refuses to die down.
In life, there will always be norms, things you have to do, duty and responsibilities you have to carry out, relationships you have to be in, do what you have to, be the person you are destined to be. But there will always be that One person who will own a part of your soul like no other! The lesser you fight and more you accept the better it is for you! I give up the fight. I give up fighting the feelings in my heart, i give up crying under the shower so that i dont have to acknowledge it! I give up pretending that all is good when it is not. I give in to realization that some feelings will never die down, no matter where you are and what you do. Soul mates are a part of you, completing you, even if its a feeling you cant acknowledge or indulge in. Who cares what happens in life when just a thought comforts you. Who cares if you long for that hug which is a thought that breaks you now, for it is not exclusive to you. Who cares if the thought of what was yours, was never yours in the first place. Who cares if the person who completes you is the one that breaks you. Who cares when at the end all you have is you and that feeling that is yours to keep, whether you belong to him or to someone else.
Every time I hear ' A thousand years' the one who shouldn't be remembered is thought of, with more love than I would like. Because sometimes you just cant control everything in life and some songs are just written because it binds you to your loved one. It is a reason why you trip and fall in love all over again when you hear that song, then you stop sulking and reach out, even if it is a game of Ruzzle. You smile, your insides light up when the screen of your phone lights up when your invite is accepted. You play the game, knowing you will lose for that moment, you exist with him, just you and him! As the moment slips away you slowly go back to your shell, close the doors to the feelings that are simmering behind the facade of a new life.
What if the person you think you love is not a person but an idea or the way he makes you feel! You know that feeling when you want something and you know it is all wrong for you? That! You do it anyway, because love is like that, it follows you everywhere you go, it doesnt really matter if the one you love is not around anymore, it doesnt matter if he loves you back, you get used to his absence but you love, the only way you know how.
Heard this song and totally loved it, it made sense at so many levels. Couldn't find a better way to end this post. This post is totally random, reckless but utterly liberating.
May be there will always be some feelings that you are never meant to get over, no matter where you are placed in life and how much you have evolved. That one person, the thoughts of whom turns your insides into mush, and if you let your mind wander even if for a fraction of a second, it all comes rushing back. Those tiniest of things, like how it felt to feel his lips on yours, how a mere touch would turn your world upside down. Memories of those nights of being hugged tightly even in sleep that used to make you feel comforted, loved and complete; tears catches you unawares and stream down; irrespective of where you are. You blink them away and long and hurt some more and yet the feeling just refuses to die down.
In life, there will always be norms, things you have to do, duty and responsibilities you have to carry out, relationships you have to be in, do what you have to, be the person you are destined to be. But there will always be that One person who will own a part of your soul like no other! The lesser you fight and more you accept the better it is for you! I give up the fight. I give up fighting the feelings in my heart, i give up crying under the shower so that i dont have to acknowledge it! I give up pretending that all is good when it is not. I give in to realization that some feelings will never die down, no matter where you are and what you do. Soul mates are a part of you, completing you, even if its a feeling you cant acknowledge or indulge in. Who cares what happens in life when just a thought comforts you. Who cares if you long for that hug which is a thought that breaks you now, for it is not exclusive to you. Who cares if the thought of what was yours, was never yours in the first place. Who cares if the person who completes you is the one that breaks you. Who cares when at the end all you have is you and that feeling that is yours to keep, whether you belong to him or to someone else.
Every time I hear ' A thousand years' the one who shouldn't be remembered is thought of, with more love than I would like. Because sometimes you just cant control everything in life and some songs are just written because it binds you to your loved one. It is a reason why you trip and fall in love all over again when you hear that song, then you stop sulking and reach out, even if it is a game of Ruzzle. You smile, your insides light up when the screen of your phone lights up when your invite is accepted. You play the game, knowing you will lose for that moment, you exist with him, just you and him! As the moment slips away you slowly go back to your shell, close the doors to the feelings that are simmering behind the facade of a new life.
What if the person you think you love is not a person but an idea or the way he makes you feel! You know that feeling when you want something and you know it is all wrong for you? That! You do it anyway, because love is like that, it follows you everywhere you go, it doesnt really matter if the one you love is not around anymore, it doesnt matter if he loves you back, you get used to his absence but you love, the only way you know how.
Heard this song and totally loved it, it made sense at so many levels. Couldn't find a better way to end this post. This post is totally random, reckless but utterly liberating.
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